Southern Living at it's Lowest

Me and Alli go to the Legion!

2009-04-17T11:11:00.002-04:00

Sorry this is a loooong post, but it was a looong night.........

So I got invited to a party...at the Legion. I know, Klassy, right? It was a birthday party, with cake, therefore attendance was mandatory. As I was frantically rummaging thru my closets looking for an (in)appropriate outfit to wear, Alli comes strolling in.
Alli: What's the plan for tonight fatty?
Me: er, nothing! Just going to a bible study at the church!
Alli: So they allow halter tops at church now? I must have missed that sermon.
Me: haa haa, I'm TOTALLY going to wear a sweater over it...
Alli: So what you wearing over the mini-skirt? A tent?
Me: um, I'm actually wearing leggings under that!
Alli: Oh yea, that's still in style...if you're 8....and live in a trailer park.(as she moves up behind me and starts twisting my arm!)
Me: Ow!!! Alright alright, it's a party!!! I'm going to party!!! and you're totally NOT invited!
Alli: (twisting harder) What? I don't think I hear you clearly Shamu. Say it in english.
Me: Ok, you can go,...(mumble mumble) it'll be fun...

So I got dressed. I am not sure if ya'll are aware, but there a strict dress code for the ladies at the Legion. It involves the use of spandex, outfits that accentuate your cleavage, fake tans, and tons of Aqua Net. So Alli and I had our work cut out for us..
Me: (Standing in front of the bathroom mirror) Alli, can you please tease it up a little higher?
Alli: Sure, I thought this was a birthday party not a costume party, Marie Antoinette.
Me: OK, just another can of Aqua Net.(spray, spray, spray) Alli, shouldn't you take that cigarette out of your mouth while I'm spraying this?
Alli: Nah, it'll be fine.
My Hair: Pouf!!!

So anyway, we got ready. I decided since it was going to be at the Legion, I ought wear something fancy, so I wore my Dolly Parton costume from last year's Hall-o-weenie Roast. Alli was wearing brown, as usual. So we grabbed our purses and hit the door. Just when we got to the car, I had a flash of brilliance!
Me: Alli, you totally have something on the back your pants.
Alli: (flipping around back and forth trying to look at it) Where?
Me: There, on the back. What is that? Man it looks bad!
Alli: I better go change. Hang on.
Me: (grinning ear to ear) I'll be riiiight here...

So Alli goes back into the house to change. I make like Bo and Luke Duke and dive thru the window and try to start the car!
Me: Oh mercifulheavens. Crank!! Crank Dammit CRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(pounding on steering wheel)
Alli: (standing at the door holding the battery cables) Oh, that was a good one. You're totally gonna pay for that later....

So after we put all the parts back on the car. I drive off, with Alli riding shotgun, and go to the Legion. We get in and are immediately swarmed by elderly, lonely Legionnaires. I mean, I was rockin hawt and all!
Legionnaire #1: Hey purty little lady, you're a cool drink of water. Lemme buy you a drink!
Me: Gee thanks! That's be great! (while giving Alli the finger)
Legionnaire #1: (facing Alli) Would your chubby friend like a drink too? (glancing at me.)
Alli: Don't mind if I do!
Legionnaire #1 then falls off his barstool, wets his pants and falls asleep.

So I decide (or rather Alli DECIDES) that we oughta stay away from those high caloric alcohol beverages and check out the party. So we walk to the other room and Man was that place rocking!! They had a band and everything!
Alli: Great Music, Let's dance!
Me: What?
Alli: I SAID LET'S DANCE! IT WILL BURN OFF SOME CALORIES, and the Good Lord knows you need to do that.
Me: WHAT!!
Man standing beside me: Who are you talking too?

So Alli grabs me by that arm and drags me out on the dance floor. I was sooo embarrassed because no one else was dancing. But they were playing the Electric Slide and that's Alli favorite dance, so....
Alli: Dear Lord, you WERE born with 2 left feet.
Me: Alli that's mean! I am just out here to humor you!
Alli: Well, dance over there and act like you don't know me, that will humor me more.
Me: Ok whatever. (as I waltz away)
Hot Guy #1 : Why is that fat chick dancing and talking herself?
Hot Guy #2: (pointing at me) Her? Dude, I think she's having a seizure.
Hot Guy #3 (wincing) Quick! Stop pointing before she sees you and latches on? She's a freak!
Me: (waving and gesturing frantically at Hot Guy #2) OMG! OMG! Allie, that guy over there is TOTALLY flirting with me!!
Hot Guy #1,2, and 3: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, 3 or 4 hours later...
Me: Alli, can we sit down now? Nobody else is dancing and I'm getting hungry.
Alli: Is that the Macarena I hear!! Shake that money maker fatty!
Me: (sobbing and falling to the floor) Wah!!! These shoes are killing my feet!
Alli: Oh alright drama queen! Why'd you wear those CFM pump's anyway?
Me: (eagerly dragging Alli by the arm over to the food buffet) Let's eat!!
Alli: I'm not hungry and you're fat.
Me: PLEASE PLEASE I'll be good!!!! I promise!
Alli: You better.

So we split up and go to fix our plates. Alli just got a plate of carrot sticks, so she sat down at the table previously occupied by the Hot Guys. I wonder what ever happened to them?
Me: (heaving 3 plates of delicious goodness over to my chair)
Alli: For the love of Free Willy, girl. Did you leave any food on the buffet?!?!?
Me: Well, I thought I'd fix a plate for the guy who was flirting with me earlier!
Alli: Oh, you mean the one who ran away screaming like his hair was on fire when he saw you waving at him?
Me: Yea, that one. He likes me, we bonded. I can tell. Want some ranch for those carrot sticks?Alli: (delicately biting a carrot stick)No, thank you
Me: (drinking the ranch dressing out of a cup) Man, this stuff is good!
Alli: Gurl, you need to step away from that cup or you're totally gonna regret it!
Me: I just hate to see food to go waste.
Alli: You haven't seen your waist since Junior High.

So we ate our food. Well I ate my food, and the Hot Guy's food, while Alli glared at me. Then, when I saw that she had lost her appetite, I ate her carrot sticks!
Me: Yea, they're cutting the cake. Want me to get you a piece?
Alli: You ain't eating cake, fatbutt and no ofcourse I don't want a piece of cake!
Me: Just one piece. One itty bitty little piece!
Alli: I will make you regret it.
Me: (totally ignoring Alli while gazing lovingly at the cake) One teeny weeny , itsy bitsy little piece.
All: iWhatever. You'll pay later.

So I go over and get a piece of cake.
Allie: Um...What are you doing?
Me: (smiling, holding up my piece of cake) Getting me a piece of cake! Like you said I could!
Alli: That's the entire cake, they haven't cut it yet dummy.
Me: My bad. (runs to put cake back on table)
Lady at Cake Table: (holding knife with confused look) Are you talking to someone dearie?

So anyway, after enduring the world's longest version of Happy Birthday to You, I finally got a piece of cake. Boy was it ever yum!Then after the all that food, and cake, 6 glasses of wine, 3 mixed drinks, and 9 beers, Alli thought it would be a good idea to dance some more.
Alli: (pulling me by my hair) Get your fat a$$ out there and dance off some of that blubber!!
Me: Ow ow ow!So anyway, we danced.

And finally around 1 AM, some really nice Legionnaires that me and Alli met at the bar decided to dance with us! First there were 2 brothers. I'm not sure how old they were but they did say that they both fought in WW2. Their names were Mr. Bartles and the other one was Mr. James. They were soooo nice. But it seemed like they only wanted to dance with Alli. They were kinda dirty dancing with her, you know, grinding on her and stuff. But she really seemed not to notice.

So, I was stuck dancing with Mr. Pepperidge. He was nice too, though. He said he had fought in the war with the Bartles & James brothers and some guy named Jack Daniels. Anyway after the war was over, Mr. Pepperidge bought a farm and lived there until his mean kids put him in the nursing home. Boy he sure was a talker, aa dancer too! Although he really couldn't do all the moves, cause he was using a walker and his pants kept falling down. But anyway.
Alli: (glancing slyly at Mr. Pepperidge) He thinks you're hot..
Me: (gazing adoringly at Mr. Pepperidge) You think I'm pretty?!
Mr. Pepperidge: Honey everyone's pretty at 2am!! But there seems to be 2 of you, which one should I dance with?
Me: I love you!! Let's keep dancing!
Mr. Pepperidge: Oops I think I just pooped my pants.
Me: Don't worry about it, happens all the time to me!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, it was like lightning had struck me in the gut!!! I started writhing in pain, bending over, and clutching my stomach. It was the most horrible pain I'd ever had, since that Baby Shower last year. I totally thought I was dying!!!!!
Mr Pepperidge: (waving a dollar bill) That's right work it baby! Shake it for Daddy!
Alli: Ha ha! Told you, you'd be sorry.
Me: Bathroom, now!

So I ran like my a$$ was on fire, which it really was, to the bathroom, and that is where my Hub found me when he came to pick me up.
Hub: (to the bartender) I'm here to pick up my wife. You called?
Bartender: I sure did. You came just in the nick of time too. We called the Sheriff's too. They're on their way too.
Hub: (shrugs)So..where's she at?
Bartender: (pointing)See that brown trail on the dance floor? She's at the other end of that.
Hub: (sighs)Dear Lord, give me strength.
Bartender: Please remind your wife, when she sobers up, that she's still banned from the Legion AND she doesn't even have a membership here.

And that's where the Hub found me. In the Men's Room, sitting on a trashcan and puking in the urinal.
Hub: Dear Lord..help me.
Me: BLEH!!!
Alli: Ha ha! Told ya, dumb a$$!
Me: (puking/pooping/crying/screaming) YOU'RE A BIZ-ACTH I HATE YOU!!!
Hub: Baby, who are you talking too?

So anyway, when we got home that night Alli locked me in the bathroom ALL NIGHT as punishment for eating all those calories. I was in there until dawn. Then she said that she thought I'd learned my lesson and let me out.

On the bright side, my husband is starting to talk to me again. He says he can't afford to divorce me, and he got me an application to the VFW!! AND Alli is going on Spring Break with some co-eds she met. She says they need her.

And like they say, when the cats away, the mouse will play......

CAN YOU SAY EASTER CANDY!!!

Movie Review: Knowing, ...I wished I'd known before I wasted $20 bucks.

2009-04-09T09:32:00.006-04:00

So the hub secretly worships all things Nicolas Cage. Ask him which actor he likes best and he'll tell you, "Oh I like Al Pacino, or Marlon Brando (or any other tool in The Godfather)', but he really wants to get a wonky eye, and hair plugs just like his secret boyfriend Nicco.. So he begged me to go see this movie with him last Sunday. Yea, that was 2 hours that I'll never get back.

So the trailer of the movie makes you think that Nicolas Cage has a set of numbers that will tell him when the end of the world is, so he can do alot of manly stuff and then save the world. The trailer is nothing like the movie....The movie starts out showing a little girl staring at the sky like a loon, while other kids are playing on the playground in 1959. Right away, you know that the poor kid is a loser. Let me give you a real life comparison. When I was in 6th grade we had this little boy named Wade in our class. Now Wade was a little pale kid with red hair and freckles, but he wanted to be a gangster worse than anybody I ever met.

So Wade spent all his time wearing skin tight maverick jeans and writing on his body with ink pens. One day, he'd write L-O-V-E across one knuckle and H-A-T-E across the other. Or he'd write some random name like Ethel on his arm. He'd flex his skinny white arm in my face until I'd groan and say, "Who's Ethel?: and he'd tell me it was his grandmother and how she was dead and blah blah blah.. So since no one was duly impressed, Wade had to up his game. So when we all had to go out and buy protractors for math, Wade started carving his arm. His carving cursive really sucked compared to his mad ink skillz. He'd come to school looking like he'd been attacked by a pole cat, and flex those pale arms in my face, until I'd sigh, and say, "What happened to your arm Wade?", then he'd proudly point to his bloody arm and say, "It says Wade, man it hurt like hell." Then he'd wince and look over his shoulder to make sure the teacher didn't hear him say the H word.

One day, Wade really upped the anty and brought a rat in a mayonnaise jar into school. A big rat. A small jar. It was brown. He'd caught the rat at his grandma's house. Dead Grandma Ethel... Creepy. Our teacher Mrs. Bornhauser was about 3 cigs away from a fatal heart attack, but she was cool about the rat. She said, "Um Wade, I'm gonna need you to put that thing in your desk. AND DON'T LET IT LOOSE!!" Wade being the little stud he was, said, "But I wuv him."

I never found out what happened to Wade, but I did see his picture on the DOCC website for convicted felons, so I guess he turned out ok.

So anyway back to the movie, this poor little girl, her name was Lucinda, and she was a loser with a capitol L, poor thing. So she's in 5th grade, and all the kids hate her, cause she's like Sissy Spacek in Carrie. So the lame school she goes to gets the brilliant idea to make a time capsule and have all the kids draw a stupid picture of what they think 2009 will be like and stuff it in the capsule. Right away, you can tell that although Lucinda is a loser, she's a heck of a lot smarter than all those other dumb kids in her class. Case in point. All these kids are in 5th grade, and they draw pictures using CRAYONS. I mean really! I know it was 1959, but heck, couldn't they have atleast used color pencils or something. And the pictures were so lame it was like my dog Pedro had drawn them, and he doesn't even have thumbs!

So loser Lucinda chose the high road, and decided to just go on a little acid trip and draw numbers, WITH A PENCIL, on her paper instead. Well the teacher, being the jealous bi-aitch that she was (Jealous of Lucinda's smarts, and her future ability to probably get laid unlike Miss Prissy Pants teacher) was like all, "Lucinda! Time's up! Give me that paper!" and then snatches it off poor Lucinda's desk. Total bi-aitch move.

Well Lucinda was pissed, so while Miss Prissy Pants takes the entire school outside to put their lame pictures in the stupid time capsule, Lucinda goes to the broom closet in the school basement to sneak a smoke, and finish writing her numbers. When she got there, she discovered that she had forgot her pencil, AND HER CIGS, so she just wrote the rest of numbers on the door in her own blood. (I bet Wade would totally do this!)

So then, when whoever produced this pile of crap movie got tired of ragging on Lucinda, the movie suddenly switches to 2008, and you see Nicolas Cage's huge fake hair covered head on the screen. This is when you realize the Nicolas Cage ain't got it no more, cause if he was still hot, he'd be playing a college student, and not a loser College Professor, which was sad. Remember the Paper Chase with Ryan O'Neal back in the 70's? Well Nicco looked like Ryan O'Neals college professer, and not Ryan O'Neal in that show. You know the old man, the 60 year old who wore the ugly corderouy jacket with the arm patches? That's Nicolas Cage.

So anyway Nicolas Cage is teaching a class and it was soo boring that I started counting the popcorn kernals in my bag. Then the movie switches to Nicco cooking weeney's for his kid, in the dark, in the middle of winter, outside, in the freezing cold. You can tell this kid hates him cause he won't eat the weeneys and goes back in the house. This is about the time that you find out that Nicolas Cage's wife thought he was such a douchebag that she started a fire in a hotel room and killed herself just to get away from Nicolas Cage. Now that's what I call serious hatred.

Anyway, Nicolas Cage is all up in his kid's gravy every chance he gets, and tries to be all funny and witty and happy, so the kid just goes to bed. So when the kid goes to bed, he starts hearing whispering, and stuff and he freaks. (wouldn't you?) So I don't know what happened next cause this is about the time that Hub started whining about having popcorm grease all over his hands. Hmmm, pour a gallon of butter over your popcorn then wonder why it's greasy? Yes, this is the brilliance of Hub.

Then the sad little kid goes to school and they open the stupid time capsule, and Nicolas Cage is such a tool that he gets to school late and almost misses his sad kid singing a song with all the other kids. Then they let all the kids pull a envelope out of the time capsule and ofcourse all the dumb kids are like vultures on crack, all freaking out trying to get an envelope, like maybe the drawings are made out of acid and they'll get high if they lick them, or something. So that leaves Nicolas Cage's sad kid with GUESS WHO'S envelope?!?! Yep, poor Lucinda's. Wow, I never seen that one coming...

Then Nicolas Cage and his sad kid go home, and Nicolas Cage does something stupid and pisses the kid off again. So the kid goes to bed, and Nicolas Cage gets drunk and starts 'seeing' things in Lucinda's paper, so he stays up all night writing on a white board, sniffing markers. Then the next morning he takes a picture of the white board to his tool friend at college and starts trying to freak him out about the numbers. His friend thinks he's stupid just I did.

So Nicolas Cage goes out and finds the teacher, Miss Prissy Pants, and starts freaking out on her about who is Lucinda?, what happened to Lucinda?, reckon she'd put out? So yes I too was shocked that Miss Prissy Pants was still alive, but apparently that's God's punishment for being a prude, you never get laid and you live forever.So Miss PP gives Nic the address of Lucinda, and Nicolas Cage being the total douche bag that he is goes ripping over there and sees a hot young wench getting in a car with her own Loser Lucinda. He then uses his spidey abilities and instantly knows that this is Lucinda's kid, and grandkid.

So like a total stalker he makes his sad little kid lay out of school and then proceeds to drags the poor sad kid all over town, stalking COL (Child of Lucinda) and her kid. Finally he makes his sad little boy go talk to her sad weird girl and through the kids, Nicolas Cage starts trying to horn in on COL. You'd think he's just trying to get laid, but NO, he wants to talk to COL about Lucinda! So she gets mad, cause being the suave guy he is, Nicolas Cage starts talking about what a crazy bi-atch Lucinda was. (Oh yea, that's how to win her over!)

Then for some reason, some really pale albino gay guys in turtle necks start chasing the sad little boy, and COL losing her mind, breaks down and drags her weird kid over the Nicolas Cage's house. Then her and Nicolas Cage think it's a grand idea to drag the kids out for a drive to poor dead Lucinda's trailer home out in the middle of the woods, on a school night, after midnight, with the world's smallest flashlight. So he and COL get to the trailer, the poor kids are passed out in the back seat, and being the responsible parents that they are, Nicolas Cage and COL leave the kids in the car, go into the trailer and create lots of sexual tension without doing anything sexual.

They just wander around in the dark in Lucinda's piece of crap trailer. That trailer reminds me of a guy I used to go 'visit' back when I was single and dumb. He was such a loser that I refused to take him out anywhere public, but he did have his skillz, so I'd go over to his trailer, when there was nothing else to do. Well anyway that was LONG before the Hub.

So Nicolas Cage and COL are in the trailer, the kids are passed out in the back seat in the dead of the night, in the freezing cold, on a schoolnight, and here come the Albino Gay Guys in turtle necks, trying to get the kids. Being the good parents that they are, ofcourse the car doors were not lock. So the kids are freaking out, ecspecially sad boy, but being the billiant child of Nicolas Cage he doesn't have the sense to lock the car doors, so finally the little girl starts blowing the car horn and the abinos run away and the parents break up the party and come out side.

This is about the time that Nicolas Cage has figured out that the world in gonna end and takes everbody back over to his house. You think that it being the end of the world and all that Nicolas Cage would be a stud and try to shag COL. But NO!! they both go lay down with their kids. But you can tell that both the kids hate it too because both of the parents are totally hogging the bed.

I don't remember much after that because I suddenly became fascinated with my popcorn and a gum wrapper that I found in my purse, but at the very end, a spaceship appears, the albino gay guys turned into space aliens with huge buttcracks and the kids, seeing this as an opportunity to get away from their useless parents beg the albino space aliens to take them away. Nicolas Cage cries like a bi-aitch and runs home to his mummy and daddy. They didn't look real happy to see him either. I guess it's because all thru out the movie Nicolas Cage kept trying to feel up his sister's boobies every time he hugged her. She totally look like guy too.

This movie was crap, and Nicolas Cage, as usual, did not stray far from the losers he's been playing ever since he made Moonstruck, the only good movie he's ever made. I give this movie absolutely no stars.

The Allen Curse.....

2009-01-14T08:31:00.000-05:00

So the running joke is that any thing an Allen touches get broke.Case in point....I have been dropping and breaking things since I can remember. My hands look like I did time in Iraq on the front lines from all the burns, cuts and scrapes I got myself into..

The entire family is klutzy...

My neice, 'Adventures in Ashley' falls down the stairs, and up the stairs constantly (and she doesn't even drink!)
Everytime one of the kids (or me) use a lawnmower we break it.
The list just goes on and on...

On the bright side, the Allen family are the Masters of Duct Tape...

So last night the curse reared its ugly head in full force... The hubby and I get home from work and it was 105 degrees in the upstairs of our house. (105 people!! We even double checked the temp on another thermometer!!!) It was so hot in our room that the door handles were warm to the touch...Seems that I had discovered the batteries were low in the thermostat the night before and was trying to replace them. When I did, I accidently hit the Program button on the unit which was programmed to run the heat continously unless the room temp was between 70 degrees and 70 degrees. Anything lower or higher than 70 caused the heat to run, so when the temp got above 70, the heater just ran and ran.

Then after my husband recovered from his heart attack about the heat, how much money I wasted and the electric bill for next month, blah blah blah, he was stirring a pot of spagetti sauce on the stove. I threw a tennis ball up the basement steps for the dog, and (yep you guessed it) it landed smack in the middle of the sauce, throwing scalding hot sauce all over the hubby and the stove... Then he tried to clean it up and burned his arm on the stove. (He's not even an Allen! Guess the curse just rubbed off on him!)

So to end our beautiful evening.... the hubby wanted a piece of chocolate from a box he keeps on his dresser, so I handed him a chocolate and ofcourse it all gooey and groody from the heat earlier, so we had chocolate all over our fingers. But then they looked so yummy, I decided to have a piece.... My piece was totally liquidfied, and when I went to pick it up, it ran all over the other chocolates in the box, my shirt, the beadspread.....

Hey did I mention how handy I was with the duct tape?

New Year, New Me...

2009-01-01T19:40:00.003-05:00

02352.5

Don't even ask about the numbers above. Figure it out.

For once in my life, I feel like making New Year resolutions. Don't know whats up with that, but here goes.....

This Year, I want to be more thoughful, be thoughtful about what I put in my body, love more, be more patient, run (walk swiftly) another race or 2. Be a better mother, wife, student. Make memories, live dangerously. Stop saying swear words, exercise more, eat more fiber. Be sexy for my husband, for my self!! Stop wasting time, live, explore, take more chances. Love my children harder, stop being critical of myself, of others! Love my body! Improve my skin!.. I'll think of more later....

A Letter to Santa

2008-12-30T11:49:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa,

Remember when I told you that I had been good.

I lied. But thanks for the loot.

You Friend,
SouthernChickie

Do I ask for too much?

2008-12-12T15:02:00.005-05:00

This is an open letter to all those 3rd world countries that make our clothing...

To whom it may concern:

WTH! I have been 5'8" for approximately 30 years now, but yet it seems that my clothes are getting shorter and shorter. Where is the rest of my shirts" What have you done to the waist of my pants? I am sure that somewhere in an office in the fashion district of New York, there's a man who sits smugly at his desk because HE was the one who came up with the brilliant idea to cut the bottom 3 inches of all shirts off to save money. It was him, with the help of his harlot of a daughter, who re-introduced hip huggers back into our everyday language. I can hear him now... "Imagine all the fabric that can be used to make even more, shorter shirts, imagine the money we'll save!!"

Well hello, I got some news for you Mr. Man. I've squeezed 3 kids out mah belly and thru my hips!!! One of them an 11 lbs, half grown toddler. Ain't no one on earth wants to see my mid- drift. And guess what, going around ALL DAY pulling down my shirt, or hitching up my pants so my battle scarred belly, and my fatback don't hang out, ARE NOT considered a form of exercise!!

I've I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna come over to your house and cut the crotch out of ALL your pants!

Have a Great Day!
SouthernChickie

P.S. You Suck.

Why with all the drama?

2008-12-11T10:28:00.003-05:00

So rarely do I take a lunch alone. But Monday I did. Stopped off and bought a good book to read and sat my butt down at Stevie B to eat Pizza tops (I'm on a carb diet, don't cha know.) So there I was, when all of a sudden, I see this guy 2 tables over jump up and start peeling off his shirt while shouting obscenities at someone else at another table.

Not sure who it was aimed out, cause I immediately stuck my nose deep into my book while trying to look, not look.. So anyway Johnny Gangbanger was all cussing and flexing and cussing, while the entire place was staring intently at their plates desperately trying not to make eye contact.

I noticed while this was going on, the his pants wear AROUND HIS KNEES!! He had a nice round ass BTW. (I'm just saying..) then he shouted a gem that said it all, "Hey MF-er, I got felony convictions against me, I ain't skeered of you!" ...mmmm...Klassy. Yea, I'm totally going to use THAT one next time I get mad at someone.

So after a while of getting no response or acknowledgement of anyone in the restaurant, the girl at the table with Johnny GB, says, "Please leave, just leave." Boyfriend pulls on his shirt, and walks out.

So what do you think the girl did next?

Leave out the back? Cry? Call the cops?

She went back and herself another plate of pizza. While everybody else nervously sat around waiting on Johnny GB to come back in and blow our asses away with a 9mm. So I crammed another pizza top in my gullet and got the H out of there, and who should I see standing in the parking lot with arms crossed, leaning up against a car (3 cars away from mine!!!) and glaring into Stevie B's but,,,,yep you guessed it,,, Crazy A. Johnny GangBanger!!! Oh joy! He's gonna kill me in the damn parking lot.

So I walked to the far end of the parking lot and snuck up to my car and got in, just as another guy from the place approached my car beside me from the other direction. As we were pulling out, we both gave each other a look like, "Thank God, we're still alive!"

On my way out, I was gonna scream something like, "Pull your damn pants" up at Johnny B, but knew that my car would probably conk out right then and there, and he would pull my arms off and beat the hell outta me with them...

What a douche.

Ode to my Car....and the damn Check Engine light.

2008-12-02T14:18:00.002-05:00

When my Father In Law(FIL) kicked it back in '04, God rest his soul, I 'inherited' his Smoking hot 99 Toyota Corolla. (And by smoking, I mean like real smoke, coming out of the tail pipe!) Actually it’s not too bad of a car. I have put ATLEAST 50,000 mile on it, and only :
1 set of brakes. (Maybe 2)
1 engine gasket of some sort.
1 or 2 sets of tires.
countless quarts of yummy oil

I say that I ‘inherited’ the car, because it’s really not ours. My MIL insists that although she hasn’t driven since the late 70’s when she was burning up the roads back in the day in Queens (NY) that she is totally going to start driving ‘her car’ just as soon as the state of Georgia comes to their minds and takes the curves and hills out of all the roads down here. I figure that this might take some time, therefore I have been driving ‘her’car in the meantime….just to keep the engine was rusting… ya’ know.

So, the little ugly white Corolla, or as I affectionately call her, Gertie the Ghost has been taking me to 100 miles round trip everyday to work and school. Never missing a beat. She’s warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. But suddenly,,,SUDDENLY (like last year!) I start to see this!!! and no matter HOW MANY TIMES I RESET the little monster, SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK ON!!!!! Ungrateful Car.

A wasted weekend.....

2008-11-07T13:25:00.001-05:00

Some people travel to exotic places on the weekend.
Some people have hot dates on the weekend.
Some people catch up on their sleep on the weekend.

Me, I get co-erced into scrapbooking, and blowing off my homework on the weekend.

I am bound for the firey pits of hell...fer sure.

2008-11-03T08:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I took the Mother In Law out...aka the Troll, to go return items at Linen's and Things. You know Linens and Things are going out of business right? Well all OVER every inch of their store are signs posted saying, "We ABSOLUTLEY will not take ANY returns EVA!! You try to return an item and you will be shot." or something to that effect. So what is the MIL's grand plan? To return a set of sheets that she slept on (Once! I swear by God) and DRYCLEANED!! (Who the hell drycleans sheets beside Donald Trump?)

This time, since she knew she was TOTALLY pushing the envelop, she decides to incorporate me into her evil scheme of helping L&T go bankrupt a little quicker. So she strolls up with her sheets, sans original packaging but STILL in the dryclean bag, and produces a receipt from JUNE! (She called me in a hot panic Sunday saying she MUST go to L&T NOW!!!) flopped the sheets AND a bedpad out of the bag and starts demanding her money back on both. Her receipt was a receipt issued on a previous return that she returned to trade out for this latest sheet set. Original item (hmm yea sheets) returned was $100, next set of sheets was $42, drycleaning charge was $46, and tried to get these people to PAY for the sheets, the pad (no receipt on that one, Crazy Lady!) AND THE DRYCLEANING BILL!!!!

So after the 2 pimply face teens manning the register, stopped howling with laughter, they gave her $42 bucks back on a gift card for the sheets. MIL then preceded to get all teary eyed about how she paid $46 for the drycleaning.. I was like, "Come on, let's get the heck outta here before they change their minds about the card!!"

Then I took her to the ShoeStore, then Wal-Mart.... During these random trips we both realized that she had not reset her watch to the new time..and that I had not reset the dashboard clock either...BUT sometime during our time out she forgot that the clocks were not reset, and gets in a panic to go home because dinner is being served at 5:30, and she doesn't want to miss it (She lives in a retirement home, they got schedules, people..) so she's all in a hot panic to get back home.'

So I do remind her that, "Hey the clocks are wrong, remember?"

What do you think?

Yep, I fell for Facebook

2008-10-17T20:13:00.002-04:00

But dangit, I can't tell you who I am on it 'cause I've totally revealed to much on my blog... Oh well, live and learn.

It only happens where I live....

2008-10-02T14:08:00.003-04:00

So this is how it started:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said the possible fetus was found late Tuesday afternoon. The fetus has been sent to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation to make the final determination.Investigators were still on the scene at the school Tuesday evening.Please refresh this developing story for updates.

Then it went down like this:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Brian Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the fetal remains.The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner has been asked to get involved and to make the final determination.Police said they believe the fetus was probably a miscarriage in the first trimester and someone may be in need of medical attention. Officials said they are hoping a parent or friend may have noticed a loved one acting differently and will report it.Anyone with any information is asked to call the Paulding County Sheriff's Office.

After a while, I guess someone actually 'poked it with a stick':

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials have confirmed the finding at McClure Middle School in Paulding County of the tissue-like substance to be that of a large blood clot and not that of a fetus.
Paulding County officials said Tuesday they believed they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.
Cpl. Brandon Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the tissue-like substance.
The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner was asked to get involved and to make the final determination.
The investigation by the sheriff's office is in the process of being concluded, according to officials. Authorities said at this time, there are no signs or evidence that leads them to believe that this is anything more than a medical issue.

Meanwhile, mother's ALL over Paulding Co. were emailing each other, checking their middle school daughters' under pants, and whollopping on their sons while explaining the Bird and Bees to them.

Here's was my take on it:

This is soooo sad. I been up all night crying about the fetus. I even named him Cletus and asked the angels to take care of him. When I heard 'Cletus" was in the first stages, I raided my little girl's Barbie clothes to try and find white dress to bury poor Cletus in.

Last night around mid-night, my heart was hurting so bad, that I took out a shovel and dug a little hole to put poor "Cletus" once the GBI people released him for burial. Thank Goodness, I was soo distressed that I smoked an ENTIRE pack of cigs. I looked at that empty box of Marlboros and thought, "Hey I'll bet poor "Cletus" would fit in there just fine.

So I spent the next 2 hours hot gluing lace doiles and rhinestones all over the box so poor little "Cletus" would have something special to rest in.

After I finished, I wrote an obituary for poor Cletus and mailed it to the News ERA.

**************
It said:

Funeral services will be held tomorrow for the poor little fetus named Cletus McClure.Poor little Cletus never had a chance and passed away in the last stall on the right in the 6th grade hall before he was born.

Cletus is survived my his mother, a little tramp who shall remain nameless, that doesn't have any manners.and a father, probably some jock from the football team.

Poor little Cletus is also survived by his maternal grandparents, who are wolves, and need to teach their children how to flush a toilet! and his paternal grandparents who really need to sit their boy down and have "The Talk" with him about the birds and the Bees!

Cletus will lie in state in tomorrow, in Malibu Barbie's 1984 wedding dress (From when she married Ken, before she found out he was gay), inside his be-dazzled Marlboro box.

SouthernChickie will be receiving Friends and Family all day until burial (Especially Cheffy! BRING CAKE!!)

Internment will be in SouthernChickies back yard between all the dog turds that her husband and 4 children rufuse to acknowledge and the big clump of weeds that the neighbors let grow between the houses so that they wouldn't have to look at said turds.

All are welcome.
**************
So now you tell me it was a CLOT!?!?!?! What am I suppose to do with this darn hole I dug?

I just really feel sorry for the poor stupid kid who forgot to flush the toilet.

The Cassville Flash

2008-09-25T09:09:00.007-04:00

My best friend from grade school sent me a birthday card. It was late. So I waited FOREVER to call her back and thank her. (Late for Late, I suck..I’m vindictive. Who cares.) She’s so cool. I miss her.

I met her in 8th grade, she taught me to love the Stones, and feather my bangs. I used to go over to her house in the village and spend the night. She was the coolest eva! Her mom had let her watch the Exorcist, so she and I would shake her little sister’s bed, to scare the hell out of her. (My mom wouldn’t let me watch it, 25 years later when I did watch it, I found out why, Day-um!!!) Me and the Flash used to lip synch Blondie’s songs into a hairbrush.

Flash taught me, it's ok to skip out on homeroom and sneak down to the store for a candy run! Taught me to tormet our poor cat-lovin, 'I AM TOTALLY A STRAIGHT MALE' teacher Mr. Perry to death with out even saying a word.. Sorry Mr. Perry, I was just practicing my future fliration moves on you, didn't mean to make you have a near nervous breakdown that year...

Flash introduced me to her older hot brother’s picture and he became my 1st man-crush. (He was grown and in the army, so I only met his picture. He had a Freddie Mercury moustache…..so rocking hot in the 70’s.) Flash helped me to sew up the bellbottom legs on all our jeans so that they would be fashionably skin tight. We were the shit!!

She also didn’t mind that I was uber-obsessed with her “mama-boy’s” neighbor and would spend hours and hours with me walking up and down her neighborhood streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he drove his big ole puke green T-bird to his job…..at the funeral home. (I still love you Bud!!! Ha ha..) Yea, we never hooked up, I was only in 8th, and he was much too old for me.

Flash didn’t mind taking the left-overs when we double dated with her sister. (Who went on to become MUCH more cool and braver than we ever were. Nicely done, Jenny smoking pot in the girls bathroom in middle school, and calling in bomb threats to school when you wanted to lay out. You TOTALLY rocked back then!) Even though Flash took the ‘leavins’, he still was the hottest boy on our triple date. She went on to marry him, discover he was a worthless no account wife beating hillbilly, and divorce his sorry ass, pronto. Good Job, Flash, don’t take no shit off no man!

Flash gave me the courage to sneak out of my bedroom window at night to meet boys, then helped my haul my fat ass back in just as my mother was opening the door to ground me within an inch of my life, then laughed hysterical when Mom shut the door, thus making me laugh hysterically although my entire life was flashing before my eyes right then...

Years later, Flash sat with me in the football stands while we watched the daughter I had just re-met (after giving her up for adoption 18 years earlier) graduate from highschool and begin her life as an adult. She was the rock that I needed that day, as I sat on the sidelines of the next phase of my beloved's wonderful life.

Flash was the girl I took to NYC with me. What a fun WEEK!!! NYC didn’t know what the hell hit them when she blew into town. Dropping her honey-childs, ya’ll, and I DECLARE’s all over town. Charming men all over the city!!!

Talking to the Flash brings back all those wonderful memories, back when I was skinny, had long beautiful hair with perfectly manicured feathered bangs, and no stretch marks.

Can’t wait to see her again. As I have grown old and fat over the years, the Flash hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still rocking hot, single, loving life and listening the the Stones. (You be-oitch!)

The Varsity and why my husband needs to be killt.

2008-09-15T16:33:00.005-04:00

I am a good wife, and a true Southern Girl, therefore after many years of marital bliss, I tried to introduce my husband to 'The Varsity". And you know what that lily livered, yellow bellied, carpet-bagging yankee had to say about the Varsity?

"Ahhh, it's not that great." NOT.THAT.GREAT!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! It's better that great! It's a damn southern tradition. It's the damn secret weapon that could have won the war of agression....if only they'd thought of it 100 yrs early.

I can see it now, Sherman comes riding into Atlanta, all crazy eyed, with his half million desperately hungry troops. Riding into Atlanta to ravish all the women, and looking to start a fire, so that they can get them some grub. And there on corner of Northside and what ever street stands The Varsity!! As Sherman pulls into the parking lot with the troops, trying to decide what to burn down next, out runs 20 car hops, with their red coats flapping, paper hats flapping in the breeze, and their pads out ready to write, screaming, "Whaddayahave Waddayahave?

After getting thier fill of de-li-cious chili dogs, and onion rings, and Hey! add a Big ol Varsity Orange to that while you're at it!! All Sherman and his men would want to do is just lie around rubbing their big fat tummies.... or looking for a bathroom, cause damn! them chili dogs work quicker that Milk O Mag!!!

Anyway, back to MY STORY, the husband is NOT WORTHY, and will have to do some big time grovelling to get back into the Queen's good graces after his little snub of my favorite-ist place to eat.

He did wear the sexy paper hat though so everyone would know he was a virgin. That WAS kinda cute, and sweet of him.

All is well.........

2008-09-11T18:35:00.003-04:00

The house is quiet and no one's home but me... Ofcourse, I should have my fat butt at the gym, that I am paying for and not attending, but what the hey..

I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....

But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..

Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!

Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:

On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!

It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!

But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.

The ALLI Chronicles (part V of IV) You thought that was the end?

2008-09-09T15:46:00.002-04:00

OK, no chitting you! This is the last posting that I posted about ALLI on the other website that I 2-time with... Here's the last of all the ALLI drama...

My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.

So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.

As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."

So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)

Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.

Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!

Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...

Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!

BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.

I heart the Palin's!!

2008-09-04T20:45:00.026-04:00

I have had a little trouble since I've found out that I can't wear contacts fulltime, and have had to resort to wearing sensible glasses. My heart has been broken ever since. (As if every time I look in the mirror and see a middle aged woman staring back at me instead of the hot MILF that I used to be with the contacts in).

So imagine my overwhelming joy when McCain announced the he has chosen Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, former Beauty Queen, Mother of 5, Total Hot Babe and WEARS SENSIBLE GLASSES, as his choice of Vice President of the United States of America!!! (Cue up the marching bands here, and release the tickertape and patriotic balloons.)

Check out that HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Sarah for fullfilling my husband's 'Hot Librarian" fantasies and making me see it's sexy to wear glasses too (and be in charge!)

But sexy isn't the only thing that Palin's got going for her. Oh no! She multi-talented! In addition to being governor, and raising unruly children, she's also managed to snag a totally rocking hot guy. (Who totally doesn't mind being married to the most powerful guy (er girl) in the entire state of Alaska!

Folks, I give you Mr. Palin!!

OK, that's not really him, but it sure looks ALOT like him!

Total Yumness!! and very absorbent too!!

Although future VP Palin got her start on the beauty pagent circuit (Who knew all those bullcheese speeches about world peace and love would ever be realized!) she really proved that she's the right man (er I mean girl) for the job!

(In this picture she's saying, "I love you all, now pay your damn taxes!)

It's so good to know that in times of like these (aka severe ecomonomic depression, high inflation, and rising unemployment) we can rely onVP Palin to do her part to boost the economy!

She can:

Kill her own meat WHILE entertaining the kids!!

(Hey Guys, it's called MULTI-TASKING!! Ya'll should try it!!

Fish for healthy meal ideals!! While ridding the ocean of ugly fish who might scare off the whales and baby seals!!

And distract the enemy... (then shoot 'em right between the eyes!!)

OK, I am praying this ones a photoshop, it's just too wrong to wear a bathing suit like that when you're in the Oval Office. (Or should we call it the Ovary Office!)

Here's Hilary's reaction when she heard the Sarah Palin was going to be the vice President AND had a hot body!!

(She's saying, "This is YOUR fault Obama!!")

So, in conclusion, I just like you all to know my opinion of the New Vice President (in waiting) of the Unites States of America!!!

Last of the ALLI Chronicle (part IV)..aren't you getting tired of all that crap anyway?

2008-09-04T08:36:00.003-04:00

On another note... I just called and asked for 2 apps to run in some races. I promised my kid (The Fabuluous Lana) that I would run in the Peachtree with her next summer. Might as well try to kill myself before then, by doing some 'practice (Death Marches) runs.

On to the ALLI!

Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.

Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.

So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...

Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
ALLI: No.
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
ALLI: No.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?

So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.

Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!

And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)

When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...

Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
ALLI: No.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?

So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....

About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!

ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

ALLI Q&A:
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.

Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?

The ALLI Chronicles (Part III)

2008-09-02T11:19:00.003-04:00

Before I get started with all the sheeze, let me say that my littlest kid has her 12th BD Party. Know what? 12 yr old boys are HAWT! when they aren't kin to you. (kidding)

Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.

Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)

Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!

Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.

Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.

So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!

Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...

It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.

It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.

So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.

ALLI: No.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!

So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.

She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."

So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.

ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?

Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!

So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:

QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?

My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.

QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?

My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.

Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.

I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....

So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!

Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!

I found that I wrote this in my comments box.

2008-08-30T20:23:00.003-04:00

Dear Anonymous,

In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance naked....in heels.

Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!

As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.

And thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, my penis works fine, thanks for asking. Er...Nope, car insurance is already covered, but thanks for looking out for me.

One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back.

Have a nice day.

Public Service Announcement for Men

2008-08-29T07:48:00.008-04:00

Maybe it was the crazy dude in the rusted a-- Ford van on I-285 that nearly rear-ended me with an evil laugh and a gleam in his eye, while refusing to let my gurl in the Saab merge in front of him, (Dude, how-d you like it when I looked back, and motioned for her to get IN FRONT of me, you bout swallowed your 'chaw, didn't you?) or maybe it happened way back when my Dad ran off and left my mom, with 2 little children, and a newborn, in a strange town, after emptying our bank account, in the middle of the night... at CHRISTMAS, I just don't know when it started, but I am about over the way SOME 'men' behave...So Gentleman, our behalf of ALL the women in the world...I'd like to give you a little public service annoucement..

Yes, we ARE women, but we are also LADIES. Therefore, yes, we do expect you to allow us to merge in front of your in traffic when the damn merge lane ends. We also expect You, Mr. Man to open the door for us when we are walking into a building with you and our arms are full. We expect you to get your a-- up and give us your seat when we get on the bus/train, and you see that we are elderly, or have our hands full of children, groceries, whatev. We also expect you to hold the elevator for us, when you are standing inside it and see us running to make it, instead of frantically pushing the buttons to close the doors in our faces.

At home, we (the women of the world)do expect you to PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT. If the seat was suppose to be left up, it wouldn't have hinges. Face it, it was created for a purpose. When the trash is full, yes we DO expect that you will take it out, and when the yard gets knee-high in grass, and we can't find the children, we DO expect that YOU will mow it, not us. And another thing, girls don't know chit about cars, ok? So when our tires are ABSOLUTELY bald and swerving all over the road as we take your heirs to soccer/ballet/football/cheerleading practice, or the fricking car is smoking, and overheating so badly that the polar ice caps are melting, after we told you three months ago that something is wrong, AND YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT, please don't feel the overwhelming need to wank about all the money we threw away at the mechanic's and how they ripped us off 'cause 'we're just girls', ok?

Further more, as you are slaving away at your job all day, in addition to being expected to remember to put the damn seat down, and allowing us to merge in traffic IN FRONT, not behind you in traffic, and holding the elevator for us (It's alot of burden on you, we almost understand...) Please don't accuse us of sitting on the couch all day watch soaps and eating Bons Bons just becauase some of us don't work. Just in case you were wondering what we do ALL DAY? We are packing your lunch, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, trying to stretch your all mighty dollar so that we can afford ALL the wonderful THINGS that YOU buy for us, cause 'OH WORSHIP ME, I WORK, YOU DON"T', raising your kids, making sure they don't kill eachother and set YOUR house on fire, trucking them all over God's green earth, cooking your dinner, and YES, most of us are doing all this AND also having to work, just like you. And guess what? Unlike the girls on "Sex in the City", our jobs don't involve setting in nice restaurants all day, drinking martinis and gossiping about men, that only happens on TV, ok? So please don't feel the need to comment on 'How easy we have it at our job" mmmk?

Now we know that you are so put upon because sometimes, 'HOW DARE US', we have asked you to help with some of the above tasks, after we get off work. Or maybe sometimes we ARE actually tired after doing ALL the above, and ask for a pass in the bedroom. It don't mean we don't love you, it also don't mean that we're having an affair either, OK? I mean, hey, it's almost like when YOU are too tired to talk when we need to talk, or deal with the kids, so you SO SWEETLY leave us to deal with that, while you go relax. Maybe had you honored your damn commitment to 'love and chreish us, and take care of our needs like you promised in front of our parents and all those people years ago, maybe we wouldn't have to work and could complete ALL our responsibilites, in addition to jumping your bones everynight of the week!

Oh, and BTW, your farts ... NOT amusing. They DO stink, and burping at the table IS NOT a sign of appreciation for our cooking.

Please remember, not only are we your wives, we are also your mothers, sisters and daughters. We have the one thing that YOU really want (I mean, Hey! have you EVER heard of a mad FEMALE rapist on the loose?) and if it wasn't for US spending 12 to 20 hours of our already short lives, pushing out your extremely LARGE head from our most vunerable spot (Yes, it does HURT worse the getting hit in the balls!) YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE HERE!!!!

So next time you feel the OVERWHELMING desire to run us and our weeks worth of groceries down in the grocery store parking lot, cause we were walking in the walking lane, in your way, and you're 'in a hurry dammit!', or if the lane should run out and we feel the need to merge in front of you and not behind you 'how dare us!!', or we let out a blood curtaling scream at 3:00am in the middle of the night because our hineys just touched the toilet water CAUSE YOU LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!!! ALREADY!!!!, and wake you from your 'much needed sleep', please forgive us....and we'll forgive you, because 'you forgot', or you 'didn't hear us' when we told you for the umpth teenth time.

Honey, we know how you want a 'Lady in the Streets, a Genuis in the Boardroom, Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the Bedroom, we want that for you too! We just want you to know, we're trying our best, ok? Maybe you could try a little harder too?

It's a pretty small price to pay considering you got to vote and wear pants for thousands of years before we did...don't cha think?

The ALLI Chronicles - (Part II)

2008-08-27T09:25:00.007-04:00

OK, before I get into the ALLI story. Let's talk PTA. I mean last night was the 1st one of the year. Am I just jaded, or are those skinny capri wearing Stay-At-Home-Mommie's just too much!? I mean Damn! Chill Ladies, have a cocktail already!!! I am thinking about having a PTA intervention on some of them ladies.

And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':

Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)

Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...

OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!

Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)

Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)

So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.

Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!

Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)

For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.

OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady, I.got.my.eye.on.you.

Crap!! Has it been a year already?!?! ALLI Chronicles (Part !)

2008-08-26T09:14:00.005-04:00

Since that time I have lost, gained, and tried to lose again. 40lb. Reconnected with my daughter. Had my younger son move to AK, then Cali, then back home again, Dammit!! Had my old boy move back in Dammit! and also had my niece graduate from H.S., enroll in College and yes, you guessed it! also move in with me!

My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.

It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!

I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.

So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)

Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM

Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".

Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!

(then later in the day....)

Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM ...one hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..

(then a little later in the day....)

Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM
3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?

Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.

They . just. keep. slipping. out.

All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!

More to follow....

Eleven 11 Year old Girls at a Slumber Party?

2007-08-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

JUST.SAY.NO.

Oh my!!! I barely survived this weekend!!!!!Thank You Lord, for helping me survive this past weekend.. And thank you everyone who gave me good suggestions for how to keep the little prisses entertained.

Just to let you know. 11 year girls don't want to watch movies, they want to DANCE, and SING, LISTEN TO MUSIC, and TALK ABOUT 'iS ZAC EFRON HOT OR NOT' (not hot), and PUT ON FINGERNAIL POLISH, then take it off, and put it back on, and take it off, and put it back on, and PUT ON MAKE-UP, and DO FACE MASKS, over and over and over til their faces are red and raw…oh yea, did I mention AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT?

So, in 24 hours, they devoured a half a sheet cake. (meant to feed between 30 and 50 people.) 4.5 pounds of candy. (They dropped the other half pound on the floor and the dogs ate it and puked it up on the carpet at midnight..) a cookie cake, 6 Papa John's Pizza (PPJ, You RULE!!! And I'd like to apologize to the poor hapless driver who came to our door only to be greeted by 11 screaming, freaking out girls. Sorry dude.) 3 pounds of chips, 36 kool aids drinks, 9 liters of coke, 3 boxes of cereal, gallon of milk, and everything else I didn't nail down or hide.

In 24 hours, we had the following accidents or issues. One girl thinking that a tornado was coming cause it was storming. One kid calling her parents and grandmother at midnight cause everyone was being mean to her. Tears. Fingernail Polish Remover in the eye. (And I forgot to tell the Mom about it the next day, yikes.) Explosive Diarreha (from all that candy I am sure.) Lost cell phone (found it 10mins after panic freak out mode set in.) Whipped Cream in the eyeball. And that's about it.

I learned a lot about my daughter by observing her with her friends, and I learned that girls ARE a lot like their moms. The quiet mom has a quiet daughter. The healthy mom has a health conscious daughter, the prissy mom has a prissy daughter (kid brought 2 purses for a 24 hour sleepover!).

Ofcourse my husband totally hid upstairs (Like a scared puppy) in his room until they all left… hee hee.

They were a good bunch of girls. We are lucky.

Just a little thank you for my employer......

2007-08-23T15:50:00.001-04:00

Dear People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company,

Have I not been a good employee? Do I not rush out the door every morning at 5:30, just so I can crawl on a bus for an hour, then take the Marta train for another 20 mins with half a million of my homeys, so that I can be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed every morning?
Now, I knew that you were not one to throw around money when I came to work here, and quickly realized that the policy for ordering office supplies consisted of stealing pens, paper and staples from co-workers desk or waiting until someone quit to go through their desk drawers for fresh office supplies.

And what about the air conditioning/heating situation? It's true, our offices are beautiful works of amazing architecture from the outside, but you People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company, are one smart cookie! You, being the eco-conscious group that you are, turn the air off everyday at 6pm. Great idea! Unless you have to work over, or come in early. Not that I am complaining or anything… but by the time I get to my desk from the lobby, I have sweated a gallon all over my outfit of the day.

Good thing I keep a little DO for the BO in my desk drawer! We also appreciate the way that you have remembered how Jimmy Carter sought to balance the budget back in 1976, by having all of America set their thermostats to 78 in the summer and 68 in the winter. Thanks the beautiful floor to ceiling windows that make up the outer walls of our office paradise, that 78 degrees usually lingers around 92 degrees during the day all summer long. It's like being at the beach! But without the sand, and water, and cute bikinis, and beer…..

But I digress.. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for removing the free coffee that we have enjoyed these past years and replacing it with a new computerized machine that charges us .50 cents per cup for this amazing brew. And THANK YOU, for providing NO INSTRUCTIONS on how to use this amazing new invention. That's probably the best part of this whole change. Can you imagine the sense of accomplishment we'll all feel when we figure out where to stick our quarters so that a delicious brown bubbling brew will fill our eager outstretched foam receptacles of morning hope?

I can't wait to see the next batch of improvements!!

Arg..... Another Year Older, just a bigger PITA

2007-08-21T15:22:00.000-04:00

So the spawn is turning 11 and wants to have a party, no not just A PARTY, for that would be far too simple and uninspired! We must have 2 Parties!!! Cause we're all rich and everything.

So it's a swim party for all (at the neighbor's pool, THANK YOU FRIENDS!) then it's a slumber party for the girls afterward!! Oh freaking joy.. Didn't we just have a slumber hell recently? I think we did!

All I remember about that one, was the after the little itches left, I had no toilet paper (TP Fashion Show - a must do!) and the house was ABSOLUTELY wrecked. I don't just mean wrecked, like "Oh my, we (meaning me) need to vacuum and dust now!" but wrecked like FEMA Disaster Recovery Team with the search dogs, and helicopters. So while all you lucky people spend your weekend sipping your cocktails, I'll be sweating my arse off by a borrowed pool, holding a birthday cake and trying to make sure that 12 kids don't rise up against me and have a mutiny!! Cause that's what I live for OK?!?

Then it'll be off to the next lovely event of the day. Trying to keep half a dozen suger fueled, hormonal, future WASPs entertained for the evening (and way into the wee morning!) while making sure that no one gets their feelings hurt cause someone forgot to say something nice about their totally rocking pajama's from Wal-Mart ya'll, and making sure that they don't spill finger nail polish on my carpet, or play spin the bottle with eachother!! My life is so full…

On to other news….I have lost 25 lbs, and NO I DIDN"T CUT OFF MY ARM!! Even though I have seriously thought about cutting off a leg to lose weight in the past to win a stupid contest at work. I mean, it's a win-win situation! I instantly lose 75lbs, and everyone feels sorry for me cause, hey, I only got one leg. And then, I can start getting shoes half off!

But anyway, I WOULD TOTALLY KILL FOR SOMETHING SUGARY right now. 2 weeks ago, I inhaled a blueberry cream cheese biscuit from Hardee's and gained 5 lbs. Did I mention that my evil BROTHER supplied the crack to me? I HATE HIM sometimes, even when he's nice to me…

I will blog again, only if I live thru the weekend.
Toodles.

Career Suicide

2007-08-14T13:23:00.001-04:00

Would it be career suicide to paint my toenails at my desk? Hey, I'm on ANOTHER conference call so what's the big deal.

This Stay-at-Home-Mom crap sucks!!

2007-08-06T20:36:00.000-04:00

Warning! This post is long and tragic...

Ok, so I thought I'd take a vacation day from work today to send the hubby and kid off to the 1st day of school with a good hot breakfast and lots of love....HA!!What the heck was I thinking?!?!? I was wondering what SAHM do all day... Now I know, and it ain't pretty.

When I told the hubby that I was taking today off, I suddenly saw the wheels turning in his little mind.... I told him that I would cook a nice breakfast and fix little missy's hair so ALL the kids woud look at how cute she looked and die with envy!

He immediately assigned the following for me to do today.
1. Get emissions on the car
2. Drop off drycleaningThen Little Missy added
3 Get crickets for stupid unwanted toads that refuse to get old and die.

Then hubby added (by way of the child 'cause he knew I was already fuming.)
4. Pick up prescriptions. (Which was ok, because I needed to pick up my crazy pills at CVS anyway.)

So I thought 'since I wasn't doing nothing', I'd
5. Get the oil changed on the car.6. Get the repairman to check out the stove that WON"T FREAKING LIGHT TO SAVE MY LIFE!
7. Take mystery movies that I forgot we had A MONTH AGO back to blockbuster.
8. Pick up some contacts.

So this morning comes too early for my SAHM day. At 6am, I am cooking the breakfast for the ungrateful family!
At 6:15, the child is "tired" and won't get outta bed, so she doesn't get her hair done. (OK, I half a$$ed it, and she had to redo it.)
Then at 7:40, hubby and child run frantically out the door as I try to snap a photo of the 1st day of school. (I got the photo, 1min after she managed to spill her Dad's coke down the front of her shirt. Nice..)

No thanks for the food, I appreciate it, it was good or nothing. Just as they left, I smelt something that smelled like a cross between a corpse and a cat turd, it was my morning catbox present from Grumpy Gretchen. I don't know how she lays those dinosaur size turds in her box without dying, but she does EVERYMORNING! So, I had to scoop that monster out of the box before the smell killed all the houseplants (and me.)

So then I settle down to try to catch some shut eye til CVS opens, cause that's what SAHM's do, right? Ha! Phone starts ringing, its the church phonetree telling us to pray for some poor lady at church (younger than me, 4 kids, had an anuerysm.) So that tore me up, and I made a couple of phone calls about that.

By then it was 10 and time to do my 'missions' then come home and relax and watch soaps with a stiff martini..

1st CVS, tried to develop the photos I just took of the 1st day of school. You know the saying, "Photos in Seconds" HA!! Someone put an order of 200 photos on the machine RIGHT BEFORE I HIT SEND ON MY 2 PHOTOS... So the lady said it would be a 30min wait.That's cool, I have to get prescriptions anyway, so I walk over to the drug counter, and am told that one of my hubby's drugs was out of stock, er no wait it's suddenly in now, and we can fill it. So I wait while they fill it. Then the other lady comes over and said that the Insurance computer crashed and she can only give me half the presscription. (DANGIT!) So now I gotta come back later. But atleasy I got my crazy pills!

So I get to the car to discover that my water bottle is now heated up to 5 millions degrees from sitting in the car.. so I decide to wait to take the crazy pills until I have something to wash it down with.

Then on to Blockbuster.. Ok that was smooth, but I have a free movie that I can get, and since I am SAHM today, I have all the time in the world to watch a movie right? Ha!! I get there, take back the movins, the guys were nice, but it's monday, and THERE'S NOT ONE DECENT MOVIE IN THE ENTIRE STORE THAT I HAVEN"T ALREADY WATCHED!! So I get Miss Potter, 'the amazingly delightful romantic story of some old bird whose been dead 100 years, who wrote kid books about rabbits'. What ev! I grabbed it anyway.

Then over to SAM's (while calling my eye doctor to get my prescription). Got there, had to wait like 10 mins, then saw someone who I used to deal with 10 yrs ago when I went to the eye doctor, so I had to get all the dirt that's been going on with her these past 10 yrs. (She probably didn't remember me from Adam, but I remembered her, and so we gossiped, ok?) So since I was there, ofcourse, I had to check out the deals on clothes. ah, nothing special.

Then on the get the oil changed. You know those oil places that say, "we change your oil while you sit in your car! or 2 minute oil changes. Just say no! I sat in my car for 15 minutes in 1,000 degree heat while these VERY SWEATY OILY guys changed my oil. Not fun..

By this time, I was sure that I was going to die a slow death from not eating so I decided to go Stevie B's. Know what Stevie B's ain't no fun without the kids, and I can't eat carbs anyway! So I had a salad and like 100 slices of pizza tops, (no crust shall pass my lips!) The lady cleaning the table kept giving me dirty looks, and when I got up to get more pizza tops, she cleaned my table and took my glass away. She hates me cause I was being wasteful not eating the crust and she know that there's starving kids in India.. Wench.

So after I get some grub, I get the emissions done. OK, that was quick and easy. No complaining there. Except when I got out of the car, I suddenly felt the pizza hit my gut like a mexican dinner! Ah carumba!! I really need to 'drop some kids off at the pool' now!!

But I gotta wait til I get the freaking crickets and go back to CVS!!!

So I go to PetsMart, (you remember my last time there, Grumphy Gretchen, the cat from H*ll?) So I steered clear of all cute adoptable pets, and headed straight for the cricket case. They don't have no crickets til tomorrow!?!? What the heck are those stupid toads suppose to eat til then? So I go over the Pet Showcase, guess what? They're out of business! Great. so now we'll just have to cacth some out in the yard..wahoo....

Then back to CVS. Got the pictures and the pills, not probably.. But while there I suddenly remembered that I NEVER TOOK MY CRAZY PILL!!! HAAAA!! Now I will feel bad for the rest of the day, and I have to take them before lunch or I can't sleep at night. Who cares..It is now 3:30 and I still haven't 'dropped some kids of at the pool'. So I race home to do that.

Barely made it! Let's say I totally got the cat back for that stinker this morning, just to put it bluntly. As I am sitting there doing that, and checking the mail, I remember that I ALSO forgot to call the repairman about the stove, CRAP.. Oh well, how does sandwiches sound for dinner?

Afterwards, while I am sitting here typing this, the little one has the nerve to call me from school and ask me if I went to CVS, dropped off the drycleaning, did the emissions and got crickets!!! (I am sure her Dad put her up to this!) AND the old (moved out) child just called and wants to come home and cry on my shoulder about something.

I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!I swear if I could find the ladder, I would use it to climb to the roof and jump off the house!

SAHM's, HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Alaska Cruising....

2007-07-30T12:23:00.000-04:00

And for your your viewing pleasure....

Things I saw in Alaska!

Yea, there's a whale in this picture. See him? No? That's because he's UNDERWATER! Duh!

Things we were told we'd see on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion...

Things that the tour guide on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion saw other times when he was doing the $110 Whale Watching Excursion ...

Yep....you guessed it Whales.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip! I'd live in Alaska in a heartbeat, if only I could figure out how to dress.. (One day it's tropical hot, the next day it's freezing ass cold!)

However I will warn you, Alaska cruises are geared toward old people. So if you decide to take one, better bring your own entertainment!

Where ya been Southern Chickie?

2007-07-23T08:57:00.000-04:00

I have been on a cruise to Alaska.. So when I get back to work and find that I have 972 emails to weed thru, do I get right to work?

um NO!!

I check the blogs! I will post more details at a later time. It was a VERY INTERESTING TRIP!

Til then....

2007-07-09T15:12:00.000-04:00

LIFE LESSON # 534,698

I have learned an important life lesson, the hard way, this past weekend.

Never talk to children when you’ve been drinking.

So Thursday night, I stumbled over to the neighbor’s house to retrieve my lovely princess from their pool. (Heck it was 10pm and a weeknight!) and found that ALL the little girls from the hood were swimming over there. As I am telling the kid to get her arse outta the pool and ‘come on’ she begins what is known as the bargaining technique..

The bargaining technique is used whenever a child wants something and is not within smacking distance….

Here’s how our little angel uses it:

A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? NO ONE ELSE IS LEAVING!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!

Me: Come on darling, it’s late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning. I just want to know that you are safe and in the house before I go to sleep. (And to myself, “And plus, I’m wearing a ratty old night gown, that’s totally see thru and no bra, therefore let’s get the heck out of dodge before the neighbor’s husband walks out.”)

A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!

Me: (To myself, “Oh crap, here he comes!! Hide Boobies! Don’t.stand.in.the.light..”) Come on darling! If you get out of the pool now (Right freaking now!) I’ll let you have a spend the night tomorrow.

A: Mu-wah wah!! Can ALL the girls come over?

Me: Ofcourse, now let’s run home. (To myself: RUN!!! Get your crap and MOVE IT!)

So guess who calls me at work the next day?

A: So we’ll be having 4 girls beside me, over tonight (Mu-wah wah!) Let’s order Pizza!!!

Me: Oh.kill.me.now..

Yep, 5 ten and eleven year old girls camped out at MY house, in the living room. Giggling, gossiping, singing, dancing, eating pizza, drinking all my sodas, pouting, PMSing till 7am the next day..

I have quit drinking.

4th of July..What no Rednecks!?!?!

2007-07-06T14:04:00.000-04:00

So we went down to Lennox for the 4th of July. For those of you not in the know..It's in Buckhead, which is still Atlanta, only it's 'uptown Atlanta'.

Got a GREAT deal on a room! (Thanks to my homegurl K!) and spent the afternoon with the family, the neighbors, and another couple, sitting by the pool, watching the kids (7) argue, try to race eachother, outdive eachother, kill eachother, whine about being bored, and play. Our room was right next to the pool, so guess who got to sleep in 7 wet spots? (Thanks to 7 wet kids watching cartoons in our room!) Because, hey that's why we rented a room downtown, so you kids could sit inside and watch cartoons!

Actually the kids were pretty good, however I did have to have a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with my own spawn.. She's usually sweet, but her patience was sorely tested yesterday being around 6 (other) wild children all day.

The fireworks were good, but a little short due to the drought. We didn't have any of the drama that we'd had in previous years due to mixing alcohol and red necks. Dang it.

I also had a Dr's appt with the hunney on Thurs. They took us in together, which was kind of creepy. Which means that I totally didn't get the complimentary breast exam I so look forward to each visit. (I'm kidding, hunney...or am I?)

So anyway, I beg and take on, act pathetic, and plead, but only get 2 freaking prescriptions, meanwhile HE walks out with like 8. What is up with that! No Fair... I am much more sicker that he is. I even had a fever for Heaven's Sakes!!! Stupid Doctor.

So today, it's back at work for 1 whole day, and I am totally dying. I am sure that I was born to lie back in a reclining position, eating bons-bons, and watching soaps all day........

Weekend Update...

2007-07-02T10:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is for the men out there…..

It’s definitely NOT ok to pass gas on public transportation.

Now on to other topics:

I had a nice weekend. It was pretty relaxing, which hardly ever happens!

Friday night – Tried to watch The Messengers, couldn’t, too scary, and it was dark out. (I got more phobias that Howard Hughes!)

Saturday, took the MIL shopping. Of course she brought along a 2 pairs of pants that she had bought somewhere at Christmas and wanted to return. She had no idea where she got them from, so she wanted to visit EVERY fricking store in the mall to find out. (She never found out.) We had a nice lunch (ok, I am lying, we went to IHOP) at 11am, because she was STARVING when I picked her up.

Didn’t talk about her bowel movements, so that was good. She only complained about:

1. The sharp pain in her arm.
2. The sharp pain in her side.
3. Excruciating Heartburn
4. Arthritis

So, she is obviously having a slow month, due to her excitement of going with us on a cruise next week. Ahhhh the romance of it all.. Just me, my hunney, MIL, and the kid, oh vey and the niece and her vegan Orthodox Jewish cousin.

I can’t wait to see what this poor girls eats……. if anything.

Anywho, the Mil insisted on buying me 2 tops while at the mall, because I am having birthday in a month and a half and HELLO! who am I to argue with a smart woman?

After the mall, I dropped Mil off at the old folks home, and took a nice hot bath in anticipation of dinner out with friends. (My dirty little habit...the ‘friends’ are internet posters from my county's website!) Met a lot of people I know on line, and had a nice meal. Of course I had to hold a gun to my husband’s head before we left, but as usual, he got into the evening, was charming and pleasant, so we had a nice time.

Sunday, I rode my bike on the trail for 7 miles. The darn bike has flat tires, and I was afraid to inflate them too much, so I basically rode my bike for 3.5 miles, and rested, walked, ran out of water, and dragged the damn bike for 3.5 miles.

Got home, and co-erced the poor clueless hunney into helping me with the grocery shopping. Kipnapped him to help me do the 3 min wash on the car, so now it’s cleaner inside and out. (Not immaculate mind you, just $3 dollar cleaner!)

Went to Sam’s, watched him freak out when he recognized people from his school. (OMG! OMG!! That’s the kid from …..er….where do I know that kid from?)

Then hit up Wally World, cause it you can't find it at Wally World, you don't really need it!

Came home. Had a visit from the 19 yr old boy, and watched The Messengers with him and the 10 yr old, in the middle of the day, with the blinds cracked, so the monsters wouldn’t get me! (I am a puss!)

So that’s my boring weekend in a nutshell…

Now it’s Monday… All I got to say is THANK YOU JESUS for the 4th of July!

Per the older son, Grandchild's new word is, "Hello, Hello, Hello" and she uses it CONSTANTLY.

2007-06-29T08:58:00.000-04:00

Today is Friday..Yippie! Last week, I screwed myself out of the weekend because like a dummy I redid the bathroom. It looks GREAT (I totally could be a designer on a homemaker over show!) but I spent a darn weekend re-doing it.

So this weekend, I plan to go shopping. I need to dress for formal night on the cruise we’re taking next week. I hate to shop for dresses, because 1st of all, I have cankles, and I look like a lumberjack in a dress.

And formal night on a cruise ship reminds me of the prom. You spend a couple of hundred dollars on a dress that you only wear once, and your date can’t wait to rip off you at the 1st opportunity.
I have other dresses from other formal nights, but they look so freaking matronly. I think tomorrow before I go out to shop, I may slug back a couple of fo-tees (40oz beers) so that I will be in the right frame of mind to get a sexy dress….. that covers the cankles, while exposing my wonderful cleavage to the very best advantage.

Then, after shopping with MIL, I have to take her back to the old folks home, then rush home and get ready for my night out with my gossip buddies. Who are the GB’s you ask? Well, that’s a group of people who all subscribe to a website for our county. We all get on the site periodically during the day, to spread gossip, provide breaking news updates about what’s happening around the county (such as cow loose on Main Street, take alternate route), argue about silly stuff, and brag about our gardens, husbands, and children. It’s like the new age party line. I LOVE IT!
This will be my 2nd meet and greet, the other one was small, but this one is going to be about 15 or so people!! So I am really excited. WAHOO! I am dragging the hunney along for this one, since he is ALWAYS a great conversationalist, and whined when I went to the last and he didn’t. (Even though he said he didn’t want to go!)

Other that those 2 horrible exciting things, I really don’t have any other plans, other than to looks for a snowsuit for the little one to wear on her dog sled run next month. I haven’t seen that stupis snowsuit in years, so wish me luck!

Don’t hate me because my life is SO exciting. (I know, what-ev heifer!)

Herman Munster...

2007-06-27T09:29:00.000-04:00

This goes out to the man who rides public transportation with me. So sorry to hear you’re getting a divorce. Now I know it’s none of my bees-wax, but heck man, when you have a booming voice like Herman Munster and you chatter about it on your cell phone, THE.ENTIRE.HOUR. that we’re stuck with you on the ride, one can’t help but hear your saga.

So you need to ‘steal’ your motorcycle back from the wife? Ever you ever thought about perhaps asking her for it? Call me crazy (no don’t, I’ll cut ya!) but me thinks she might just be holding it as a bargaining chip… What ‘cha got to trade?

Forevermore you’ll be known as Herman. Herman, BTW, it’s a small town we live in, you might want to lower your voice. After hearing you on the phone, talking about the ‘new’ friend. I think I might have a couple of bargaining chips myself.

I've had better conversation with goldfish....

2007-06-26T12:44:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was Monday... Here I am standing at the smellavator with my lunch buddy getting ready to go to lunch. (Wahoo, Lunch!) When she casually mentions that the boss is going with us.

Wha?!?! The boss?!?! The one I.can't.quit.sucking.up.to.?

Yep.

Took a minute to register but lo and behold, then he walked up.

OK, this guy is SHY... He's nice, but being the boss meant that all conversations about fornification, drinking, and 'how sorry men are' was TOTALLY off limits.

Heck if you can't talk about those things, what can is there left to talk about?

Hence the title of this entry....

Stop me before I butt-kiss again!

2007-06-21T13:13:00.000-04:00

What the hey… I have worked myself out of a job!! Since I have most inconveniently been sent to set at the (right hand of God) by the boss, I have been working like a total suck up…I am like that episode of when the Brady Girls met Davey Jones.

Geesh, he just asked me a question (as he came back from lunch and totally caught me playing Spider Solitare) and not only do I answer it, but I give the world's longest diatribe about nothing in particular. ARG!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!

Did I take my crazy meds today?? That usually shuts me up. I'll take another one, cause I ain't so sure, but D-A-M-N, I really need to simmer. Ofcourse if I take too many pills in one day, I'll lay in bed later and re-hash all the sucking up I did at work! Decisions, decisions.

So anyway, I have worked like a dog for 8 hours a day on stuff I used to work on for about an hour a day. (Hey, I like to pace myself!) It's not like I am a slacker, (OK, I totally am a slacker!) but this is a job that doesn't require a lot of brain power, so I have plenty of time to research "important" stuff on the net. Like Hollywood Gossip. Which starlet is really and truly preggers. (As it stands now, Christina A=Yes, Tom Cruise's Stepford Wife=No, Nicole I need to eat some candy Richie=Maybe), hone up my Spider Solitare skills so that I can go to Vegas and form a
tournament and totally win a million and read everyone's blogs.

But now that boss boy sits behind me, and apparently has a spring in his ass, and randomly pops up and by my desk about a zillion times a day, I can't get anything done, but work!!! What the hey! It doesn't help that I have a desktop monitor the size of a billboard. Gad!

In the last 4 days, I have :

Researched and updated all records in 4 different systems.
Cross checked billing records against 350 customers.
Cleaned out and Organized my email.
Updated and Organized my favorites.
Cleaned out and sorted my files in My Documents.
Organaized and planned ALL my workload thru July 31.
Cleaned my drawers out, and top of desk.
Cleaned fingerprints off billboard size monitor.
Defunked the crude off the phone where I now sit. (Miami CSI would have a field day with this thing!)

So I guess I will relegate my self to fricking updating my own blog on in Word, then convertly cutting and pasting it into the Blog………..and waiting on something to explode here at work so I will have some busy work.

Open Letter.......

2007-06-20T08:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

This is an open letter to some people I know and some don’t know. Some people I know and wish I didn’t know…And some people I’ll never know, THANK YOU JESUS.

To my new buddy, thank you for regaling me with tales of your uterus while I am trapped for hours on end, on public transportation with you. Who knew that uteruses could be like combat zones, and the stories that you loudly tell would make so many people nauseated each time you screamed out the terrible tales of horror and tragedy regarding your uterus!

And thank you for all the interesting stories about your high schools days! I can’t remember my high school days, but I am sure they are nothing compared to all the things you told me about when you were in high school! Wow, you knew the football captain! And even better, HE KNEW YOU TOO! Hey, weren’t you in the band? I thought that band geeks and football jocks revolved on different planets! I racked my brain for like 3 minutes last night trying to remember the name of my football captain. I’m not even sure if we had a football at my school, but if we did, then the captains name would be something like Biff, or Jock or something. Who knows, who cares.

Also, you mentioned your “boney white ass”. Honey, your ass ain’t boney and don’t you let people tell you it is! As a matter of fact, I was standing behind you the other day, and it blocked out the sun. Go Figure.

Anyway, public transportation friend, I (cringe)look forward to seeing you everyday.

To the liars who run the public transportation. Thank you for consistently lying to me when I call you because the ride is 45 minutes late, and I am tired of standing out in the rain waiting to pay you my $2.00 bucks so that I can ride with Uterus, I knew the Football Captain in high school, girl everyday. Gosh, after crawling out of bed at 5am, and working 9 hours at the phone company, riding home is the HIGHLIGHT of my day. I especially enjoy the ride when the air isn’t working, and we have a full load of sweaty construction workers crammed in like sardines. Does ANYONE beside me wear deodorant? No?

To the girl I’ll never know on Marta. Now, nothing says I’m a professional, take me serious, like a outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood, and multicolored braids to your waist. Gurl, I’m just hating on you, ‘cause you looked like a porn star in that outfit and 5 inch heels. I bet you get a raise at work. I really enjoyed the ghetto blasting, rap crap coming from those headphones around your neck. Are your ears really on your neck, cause something on the side of your head was sporting some huge hoops! Nothing like 30 solid minutes of some baby daddy rhyming about “hot ho’s” and how he’s gonna “get him some”. I would have complimented you on your sense of style and choice of music, but I saw that you were busy reading a parenting magazine, and I was afraid you might “pop a cap in my ass”. I looked forward to not meeting you again.

To all the losers who think that their seat, and the seat next to them on public transportation is their birthright. Hey, it’s rush hour, and I know that you’re either a homeless bum, or a business man flying back from Jersey, but would it kill you to put your earthly treasures on the floor between you legs, and perhaps give that seat to the 60 yr old lady whose been standing on her feet all day at work?

To all the young men who do give us there seats to the little old ladies. You guys ROCK!! Your momma raised you well. You’ll go far in life, and in heaven. God smiles down on you when you give up your seat.

And lastly, to my bestest friend in the whole world. Thank you for regaling me with the terrible tragedy that was your day. After working all day, then standing in the rain for nearly an hour waiting on my ride home, I really look forward to hearing about the horrors of your day. It must be a real bitch getting up at 9am on a Tuesday, then having to spend all day (playing)working on your computer trying to book excursions for our cruise that is a full month away, and hey did I mention that the excursions can be purchased on the ship? Then horror of horrors! Having to get on i-tunes to help the little one purchase songs for her iPod. How do you make it thru the day?

I am sorry about not wanting to get bizy with you last night, but after hearing about the terrible day that you’d had. I felt that it might be better if you tried to rest and perhaps recover so that you could brace yourself for another horrible day of your 8 freaking week vacation. You poor dear! I know that the days are slipping by, and another school year is just around the corner, and I do sympathize that you’ll be back in school again before you know. Try to take it easy for the rest of June and July, honey I worry about you!

As for me, I’ll spend the summer, getting up at 5am, riding public transportation with all my ‘friends’, and working at the phone company….oh! and (bitching)blogging about it all!

Why Dr Atkins needs a kick in the butt...

2007-06-19T09:09:00.000-04:00

So I have been on the carb diet for about 3 weeks now. How much weight have I lost you ask? 10lbs? 20 lbs? NO!! 7 itty bitty freaking fricking lbs. What up people! I am dying for some chocolate!! I swear...

Now on to other news....

Like when the heck is it gonna rain in Atlanta? I went out of town last week and it sprinkled every day I was there. But not a drop at my house. I think God has given up on me and sent me and my block to hell already. My yard is brown grass and dog turds. So decorative! So not Martha Stewart!

I'm baaaaaaaack!

2007-06-18T11:59:00.000-04:00

It's been a long year. I am back in the wonderful East Tower at work, and back to blogging more regularly. If you remember from last years posts. I was moved to the West Tower at work, and had MAJOR restrictions on the internet due to the "zone" I was placed in. Well, I am back and WHOOPIE!!! I sure did miss ya'll!

So let's review the past year.....

My older son found a girl, then they had a girl. (See angelic pictures of my most adorable grandchild in previous posts.)

My oldest daughter got married and has stopped speaking to me or returning my phone calls for some reason. (Oh well, I am praying on that one!) He's a good man, and I hear they are happy, so I am happy for them both.. Now if, they'd just get bizy on some chillren!

I kicked my younger son out of the house. (Slacker wouldn't go to school or get a J-O-B!) I love him, but I gotta be hard momma on him. He now has a job, got his GED, and sleeps on the floor of his friend Larry's bedroom. (I feel so sorry for Larry's poor momma!) I told him that he could come back if he paid rent, but he is living free on the floor at Lar's, so he said no.

My little-ist girl finally got B's on her report card and proved to us that she is human afterall and not a robot sent to destroy all mankind.. Kidding, she's not going to take over the world, but she IS going to be President on the US someday.

My husband FINALLY got out of college, graduated Magna Cum Laude, whatever that is. He's teaching at a middle school and loving it. (He loves it because now he has a reason to compain even more!!) He was voted new teacher of the year, so Momma's very proud! I love my hunnie!!

I joined a gym, turned into a gym freak and lost 20lbs, then I went on a cruise and stopped going and gained 15 lbs back....dammit!

Did 3 courses on line for a college, and now have college credits!! Yippie. I want to get more classes and maybe do something different with my life, but then hunnie announced that he plans to go to college SOME MORE, so I guess I will have to work around his schedule.

Ok, now to the BAD NEWS...

My poor cousin died in March. He was only 40, but he has been sick for so long. I heard he was in the hospital for like 6 weeks before he died. So that was sad. His mom has 5 kids, and now 3 are dead. Bummer.

My only living grand parent died last week. My grandma. So sad. She had a stroke about a month ago, and we thought she was getting better, but then she up and kicked the bucket! I think I am most like her. (A little crazy....) I loved her so much...

Well, it's been a short year and a LLLLOOOONNNGG year too. Missed ya'll

Dogs are EVIL!!

2006-07-21T18:31:00.000-04:00

So our annual 4th of July went off as usual. Let's see.... There was BBQ, Fireworks, Swimming, Drunkedness, and the usual FAMILY FEUD.. Same as always..Only one truly awful thing happened..... MY DEAD MOTHER'S DAMN DOG RAN OFF!!!

Stupid stupid be-aytch!!!

When my mom died 3 years ago, I gathered around the dog, with my brothers and we tried to figure out what to do with her untrained, groodey, stinking, flea infested, turd incrusted, stupid as dirt dog.

Brother # 1 - "I'll take if to the pound, but it ain't going in my car.

Brother # 2 - "Dur".. (not really, yes really.) "Well you can't use my truck, cause it ain't a running. (Yep, his cars NEVER run, and he REALLY talks like that.

Me - (Hysterical) "I can't believe ya'll want to kill the only thing in the world that made our momma happy! You guys are gonna burn for this! I'll take this beautiful dog, and love it as my own, and honor and cherish our mother's memory FOREVER!!! (or something close to that..)

So I packed up the little ungrateful, carpet pooping pooch, and took her smelly butt straight to the vet so that he could de-flea her, shave her and find out what the heck she really was, and check her for all kinds of nasty dog diseases! Then, I took the ungrateful mutt in, let her pee and poo all over my house til I got her trained, feed her treats constantly til she blew up like a hog, and loved her to death for the past 3 years.

HOW DOES SHE REPAY ME?????

She waits til we go out of town (and like the hillbillies we are, we took the dogs with us. ) She then proceeded to time her little escape until it was after midnight, with absolutely no moon in the sky, I was half drunk, was in the middle of no where, and had no shoes on... then when I let her out to pee, it was like someone had put a rocket on her butt, she started chasing my husband's van for dear life down a GRAVEL DRIVEWAY!! Did I mention, I had no SHOES ON!?!?!

Yep, I ran about 3 steps, stepped on a rock, and screamed, "I hope you die you ungrateful mutt"!! as she merrily ran toward the main highway thru town. Later, as my husband was coming back (around 3am thank you very much!) I told him, and you'd thought I had just told him that I'd killed all our children and burned down the house. He starts sniveling, gets teary eyed, and accuses me of "letting her run off". (He claimed he never said that,, but he totally DID!)

He then proceeded to spend the next 2 hours wandering thru the dark, calling out her name (Loud enough to wake the entire town of Philomath!) then comes in, man-cries a little more, vows that he will find her in the morning, and then tried to guilt trip me about "how scared she must be" and "how lonely she must be in the dark".

Meanwhile, I am utterly convinces the dumbdog is out getting her groove on with some huge Bulldog or Rottweiler and I start planning my next pet... (Less trouble, doesn't need to go to the vet...probably gonna get a pet rock or something.) Next morning, it was hours and hours of the same thing, wandering the back roads of Philomath, yelling for the dumbdog, and looking like complete morons.... All to no avail.

So we pack our stuff, and leave. My husband agonizing all the way home over the fate our "poor little dog". (Did I mention that he's a yankee from NYC, born and raised? Never had a pet growing up..)

Next day, he guilt trips me into calling the local newspaper and trying to put in a ad.I was thinking that it should go something like:"STUPID DOG - GONE!!! If you see it, kick it. Thank you very much."

But he wrote the ad, and it was much more descriptive. Something like: "Small black adorable dog. Missing in Town of Philomath. Cute, Adorable, Beloved family pet, if you see her, please put her somewhere safe, and give her lots of kisses and tell her Daddy is coming to get his precious little doggie"... or something along those lines.

Well, to make a VERY LONG story short.. Someone found dumb-dumb. She got bit by her big lover on the back, and my husband raced 2 and half hours back to Philomath to bring her to home. Took her to the vet and $160 dollars later, worthless is back, looking guilty as hell with bite marks on her back... LUCKY DOG!

Just another 4th of July...

2006-07-02T10:06:00.000-04:00

Well Friends- It's that time again!!! going to Philomath for the 4th, again... If you don't know where that is, get yo map o' Georgia out, and a magnifying glass. You'll will find Phyllo Math in between Athens and Greensboro.

This is our 3rd year in a row meeting our friends out there at Momma and Diddy's house. I don't see how those poor people can stand seeing us every year, it seems we stay a little longer and bring more crap every time we go... (Bringing the dogs and company this year.) Sorry Ya'll. We sure do appreciate ya'll having us again!!

Stay tuned for the "aftermath" of Philomath.

I am PERFECT!!!!

2006-05-27T14:08:00.000-04:00

Hello! My name is Sabrina!

And i t's not my fault, I'm perfect... I was born that way..

For example:

My parents think I am perfect:

My granny thinks I hung the moon:

And I did!! Because I AM PERFECT!!!

and

CUTE

and

ADORABLE

and

BRILLIANT.

Even when I don't try to be!!!

Like when I wear my cute little dress:

Even with my hair wet:

ADORABLE!!!!

Look into my eyes......

You are now under my spell of cuteness!!

Thank you for your time, if you don't agree that I am perfect......

I will BITE YOUR NOSE!!!

Dang the PHONE COMPANY... and other news

2006-04-03T13:14:00.000-04:00

OK, for all you guys who thought I was dead....I practically am!!!! Here's what happened. I work for the "phone company"... and we have 2 lovely towers where I work. One tower, the East Tower, aka the "Party Tower" is where I worked until November 15th. The other tower, the West Tower aka the "Tower of Purgatory" is where I work now.

In the Party Tower, someone's always taking up a collection to buy a cake, or order out lunch for someone's birthday/ baby shower/just had a baby/"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that your momma passed on" party. I mean heck, there's a party like EVERY DAY at lunch. And when we wasn't partying, we were setting at our desk reading interesting blogs, and updating the world on our blog!

SoI got a new boss. Guess where he sets? Yep, Tower of Purgatory. At the Tower of Purg, we can't check our hotmail accounts, download good pictures of Ricky Martin in a Speedo, or read blogs OF ANY KIND!!!! Needless to say, my production is thru the roof, but I am totally out of the loop.

So here's the dirt in a nutshell....My dear Daughter moved to Jacksonville, and is making pottery at the Jewish Center? Why? Cause she can!!

My older son, has a new BABY!!!!! Yep, I'm a GRANDMOM finally!!!! Thank you Sweet Jesus!!!

Only the poor child looks like Condalezza Rice, and thinks like Ricky Martin so far.. But life is sweet so I am confident that that's all a changing soon. My Grandbaby lives in FREAKING WASHINGTON STATE SO FREAKING FAR AWAY!! so I haven't held her yet, but my son says he's coming in June with the family, or I will plan on going out there and kipnapping the precious little bug!!

The younger monster, er I mean son, is turning 18 in 2 weeks. So I am trying to organize a party, that won't be too gay or juvenile, but will mark the end of his childhood properly.

My littlest daughter, is still perfect, uptight and making straight A's. Did you expect anything less?

My husband is student teaching, and is 90% sure that he will be offered a job for next fall, at the school that he is teaching at. YIPPIE!!!! BRING ON THAT PAYCHECK!!!

Me... Well, I joined a gym. I'm still fat as crap, but getting muscles, and have discovered that it's all about the "core". Still working at the phone company, staying under the radar.

And that's about it for me... I solemnly promise to update my blog more often, like when I can get time on the home computer(which I can't because my darling husband is on it ALWAYS researching AKA "downloading porn" probably!) But I will try my best to update more often... and Dear Brother if you're reading this, HELLO DUMMY!!

Stay tuned for exciting upcoming Blog episodes like:
Why my Grand daughter is better than yours!
Why are the people at my gym so obsessed with my "core"?
My family in the hills, and all the people who are either sick or dying this month.
The phone company, will I ever get back to Party Tower, and I afford it?
Summer Weddings... better be happening with my 2 oldest children!!!

Oh and I got a digital camera for Christmas!!!! So stay tuned for pictures of:
The Cutest Baby in the World!!
The Cutest Kids in the World!!!
My Core!
and other random images, that no one really wants to see, but will.

Til then!

2 Chicks and a side of B eef

2005-11-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

OK, I just had lunch with these 2 gorgeous chicks!! And B, "the boyfriend."

The one on the left? She's Mine!! (Lucky me!) and the one on the right, she's like mine!!

So this was my opportunity to meet B, my daughter's boyfriend, and while it's still fresh in my mind.. I just gotta give you "THE MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE".

Overall, I give B, 4 out a 5 lawn chairs!! I like him just fine, but he's dating my daughter therefore I must subtract a point for that!! haha.

See, my baby was born with a recessive gene. No tard's not that gene!! The one, that makes her smart beautiful and perfect. It's not her fault!! She was born that way... This makes her much too special for any man on earth...but I think B might be just about ok, in my book..

And in there lies another problem.... He's coming up on the dreaded 6 month mark!! And if you know my girl, then you know about the 6 month curse!!!!! Yes, I did mention it at lunch and I do apologize for that! (Funny, but in bad form..) See my child grows easily bored with the mere mortal man, because, well.. they're all so dull... So after a couple of months, the embers start to cool, she stays at the office later and later, more outings with the girls, less dates with the guy, excuses not to see you, because for the love of all things holy, YOU ARE FRAKING SMOTHERING ME LIKE A DAMN HASHBROWN AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE, and oh yea is it asking to much if I take a pee and you don't stand outside the door like a freaking puppy!?!?!

I mean, hell the poor girl can't help it. She's a goddess, and all men adore her!! But B is different... It's been almost 6 months, and we haven't heard

THE

FIRST

PEEP...

Not one complaint, nothing. AND he seems to have his head on straight. I mean usually by this time, my lovely daughter usually has her man whipped into submission, carrying her purse, well you get the idea. Not this one though....

He's got a little back bone in him, and he's kind of funny too! I like that!

So....what if? This goes on for 6 months?!?! And then they sign on for another 6 months?!?!? then another, and heck maybe they GET MARRIED!?!?! OH NO!

Then they have children!?!?!? NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!

DAHLINKS!!! I am too young for z grandkids!

But if you think about B... He's got good hair, but not too much hair like a Neaderthal. He's tall, but not too tall, like Andre the Giant, and he's not fat, and not too skinny, so their children won't be thin like little starving Ethiopians..

So, combine B's attributes with my child's dazzling good looks and brilliance... and my grandsons would turn out like this:

Only less gay, hopefully..

And the grand daughters might be alot like this:

Only not as homely... (Just kidding Condaleeza, don't bomb my house..)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. For heaven's sake, their only dating!!!

But just in case, I just ordered this t-shirt!!

Atlanta Mayoral Results are IN!!!!!

2005-11-11T08:51:00.000-05:00

So even though I don't live in ATL, I work in ATL, and gurl I LOVE ME SOME SHIRLEY FRANKLIN!!! She's just been elected as Atlanta 1st FEMALE Mayor of the ATL, AGAIN!!!!

OK, here's her story. This sister never NEVER held an elected post before winning the mayor's race!! She was the master mind behind the scene of Atlanta guvment all these years. She probably sat her at little desk in the corner of the mayor's office. Quietly typing memo's, eating lunch at her desk, making coffee, making copies...Well, you get the picture!! In fact, while she was doing all that, she was probably also watching, and waiting, taking minutes at all those meetings, reading every memo, and copy that was flung so carelessly into her in-box....waiting and learning, watching and dreaming...

Then one day......

Her time came!! (No not that time that comes, every month, THE BIG TIME!!)

Ladies and Germs, I proudly present to you

ATLANTA's FIRST FEMALE MAYOR!!

Look closely at the above picutre. Tell me, what do you notice? There's something about our gurl Shirley, hmmm, that I've never seen on any other Mayor....

Hmm,,,, What is it? Let me think........OH!!!!!

THE FLOWER!!!!!!!!

Our very own Mayor has started the latest Fashion Trend in Atlanta, Again!

Here's a shot of her campaign photo as evidence!

In this picture, Shirley is saying,"I want to be your mayor!" and "Look into the flower!!!! Look into the flower!! You're getting very sleepy...You WILL vote for ME for mayor of Atlanta!!!"

Here's another pic of Atlanta's Pride and Joy!!

OK, bitches, how many Mayors do you know who are concerned enough about the environment to not only plant a tree, but to also manage to co-ordinate her chest flower and gloves to the plants in the park!!! Can your mayor do that?

Or about bout this??? Can your mayor dance?!?! Shirley Can!!

She ROCKS!!!

Now as you know, being Mayor of Atlanta is not all about fun and game, sometimes Shirely has not bring the hammer down....

I like to call this her "Watch chu talking about Willis!" look.

Then there's the

"Don't make me come down there and bitch slap your ass" look. Every now and then Shirley has to pull that look out of her bag of tricks to bring the water department back in line.

But Shirley is also a Patron of the workers!

Like...

Now, I don't know who this girl is with Shirley, but she's definitely had some work done!

Shirley also luvs the chilren!!

"OK, little girl..Don't stand in front of my flower, or I will fire your momma's ass." I don't care if she has worked for the city for 20 years, and needs this job to support her 5 children.. DON'T STAND IN FRONT OF MY FLOWER, DAMMIT!!!"

But life as Mayor of Atlanta isn't all about fun and games...

Like the time, Shirley had to fill in that pothole....

"Dammit, this is ruining my heels!!!'

Then there was the time that awful man stole her chest flower!

He was so slick about it, she didn't even realize that he took it til it was too late!!! She thought he was just trying to get him a little sumthing sumthing...

So that night she had to go to the ball...

WITH OUT

HER

PRECIOUS

FLOWER!

OH MY!!

But being the resourceful mayor that she is, Shirley manages to make the best of an awful situation. She just brought out that favorite fashion accesory every girl uses when in a pinch...

THE MAYORAL BOOB!

So after the horrible flower perpertrator was finally apprehended, Shirley decided to get some security on that flower. (Can you blame her?!)

hmmm. He's kinda cute in a Captain Kangaroo sort of way.. Might need me some security..

And here's a picture of our Mayor with her undercover security entourage. Uh no honey, not the guy on her right, he's her floral designer!

So as you see our Mayor is a fashion icon. I am just so thankful that it's the flower that she brought back, and not

LEG WARMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

Shirley, Gurl I love you something awful, I wouldn't change anything about you!

except maybe that hair.

Nancy Lou Isa

2005-11-02T07:58:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's my great grandmother's name.. My grandmother, on my dad's side, is getting up in her years. So, I recently visited her and spent the night over at her house. Just like I did when I was a little girl. She LOVES TO TALK!! But hey, when you're 85 and done alot, seen alot, you got things to say, dammit!

So anyway, realizing that I know nothing about her family, my granddad's family and how they meet, I asked her to tell me all about it..

Really interesting!! She was telling me about her mom, she kept saying "Mom this" and "Mom that", and my dad always called her Granny Bird, so I didn't even know her 1st name!! So I asked Grandmom. She said,"Well her name was Nancy Lou Isa."

I said, "Wow, she basically had 2 middle names!! Grandmom got a confused look on her face, then smiled and said, "I guess where you're from, you'd call her Nancy Louisa!"

Ahh... spreak engrish lady!

She also has funny sayings. I heard her on the phone talking to her neighbor and she was talking about someone she hadn't seen in years. She said, "Well I wouldn't know him from Adam's tomcat"!!! (Adam - like Adam and Eve, get it? haha)

In case you're wondering, my grandparents were married for about 60 years. My granddad, Abe is dead now. But he was the greatest, best looking, smartest man I ever knew! He never said it, but he always made me feel like I was his favorite grandchild. He also made all his other 19 grands kids feel the same way, I am sure!

My grandmother, whose maiden name was Bird, told me this story about how they started dating. She said that her, and alot of her neighbors, used to walk to church. It seems that the they had church ALL THE TIME!! But I remember when I was a kid, living near where she lives now, people would set up tents in their yards, invite Pastors from out of town to visit, and hold Tent Revivals, like ALL THE TIME!! So I suppose that she also went to alot of revivals.

So anyway, Grandmom and some of her friends were walking to church along with Pap (Granddad!) and Pap says, "Hey, what's your favorite kind of bird?" Some people said, "Oh, I just love Cardinals!" Someone said, "Blue Birds" and other such things. My Pap just said, "Well my favorite kind of bird is Catherine Bird!!" (Grandmom's cheeks turned red, just talking about it 60 somthing years later..)

So anyway, they dated (aka walked to church) for a while then my Pap left for a job in another state. She said that he told her that he was going to marry her, and would gett frustrated that she would never commit. (Hey she was only 16! He was an older man of 21 or 22.) So he left the state to go work in the coal mines. Finally, his absence made her heart grow fonder, and she eventually married him when he came back to town for one last attempt to win her over..

They lived quite happily ever after....

Something old, something new...

2005-11-01T10:33:00.000-05:00

Ok I have no idea how to link to other blogs.. or even if I should get permission. but you have to check this chickie out. She is at http://busywithnothing.blogspot.com/ and she is hilarious and brutally honest!!

Reading her blog takes me back to when I was a kid, growing up in good old Hick Town, North Ga. In Hick Town, is so darn hick that I still can't mention the name of it, or everyone still stuck in that God forsaken place would know me immediately and come after me with shotguns for writing about them.

I was that kid back then, whose parents were divorced. Therefore I was the social outcast of the school. I wasn't good enough for the "good kids who went to church with BOTH their parents every Sunday" and my mom wouldn't allow me to hang with the "wild kids", who were raised by wolves and ate with their mouths open at the dinner table. So I didn't have alot of friends.

I lived outside the city limits and my mom insisted that I go to the city school, which is where she attended and anyway evryone knows that city folk are refined. When I was at school I was basically either ignored or tormented by all the other kids who had special clicks formed because they all either lived near each other or attended church together.

We didn't go to church.... Or atleast, sometimes, I would hop on whatever church bus ran by my house, on a mission to save my soul. And ofcourse, everyone knows that kids who ride the church bus to church must really have sinful parents, or are the spawns of Satan and that's why their parents don't go to church....

Anyway, where am I going with this crazy story anyway. I see that I started it in MAY!!! Crap! Let's just run with it... Oh yea, it's a sotry of me never feeling good enough. But don't all kids have those feeling growing up? My little daughter, who is probably the most self assured child in the world, recently came to me crying about how she had no friends in the hood anymore...WAH!!! All this, while little boys are knocking on the door wanting her to come out and play ball.

I guess it all came to together a couple of years ago for me, when I went home to do some shopping at the outlet mall in town, and saw the homecoming bitch (er I mean Queen!) working in the shoe store, down on her knees putting shoes on some fat lady. She looked at me, and you could tell she just wanted to die...

So what goes around, comes around. Atleast I ain't working in a damn shoe store....yet!

Bow down and WORSHIP!!!

2005-10-18T07:08:00.000-04:00

I look so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, I didn't lose the last 80lbs of baby fat from that monster I sired 17 short years ago!! It's my hair, actually.

I promised for years and years, never give in to the hype. Never toss out the trusty curling irons of my youth for a flat iron. NEVER slow down at the mall and pause when the nice people at the flat iron booth tell you that your hair looks like total shit, and then wave the magic flat iron wands in your face, and offer to change you from frumpy to stunning in "5 short minutes!" NEVER EVER, even look at the flat irons at Wal-Mart, or price them out, cause you can't afford a ceramic one anyway....

So guess who caved?? Me!

I got my, once a year, haircut last week, and asked for just a trim, and walked out $20 poorer and looking just like I did when I walked in. So as is usual for me, I decided that this called for drastic measures and decided that I couldn't live unless I got a perm. Yep, a good old 80's flashdance, stuck my finger in the light socket perm! So what do I do? I procrasinate, procrastinate, procrastinate... I mean dang, I just spent 30 minutes of my already too short life in chair at a hair salon, flitting away $20 bucks on an invisible trim, and now I would have to spend like 2 hours and $40 at the salon again for a perm!!!! What's a girl to do??

So in between taking the littlest spawn to Taco Bell for a "girls only" Lunch and picking up crickets for said spawn's favorite new pets (Toads!)and oh yea! getting the pooches nails trimmed. (Bitch gets a manicare, even I don't get manicures!!) I decided that I could swing by Sally Beauty Supply and check out......
....
...
..
that crazy new rice paper oil blotting paper that's only been out in Japan since the last, oh 1,000 years! So I bought some of that, and then THEY started calling...
softly..
sweetly....

"Hey!! Come here! Take a looksee! Nothing can hurt you in here... (Unless you got a cosmetologist license, then, hell, you can buy enough bleach to turn the entire population of China into Albinos!!) COME TO ME!!!

So I used the excuse to the lady that I (Peeping over at the flat irons) wanted to check out some fake hair for my daugther, so she could throw that fake hair into pony tail and look like Rapunzel! And well, I'll be a Son of a Gun there's them crazy flat irons!!!!

So, I casually asked (with slobbering lips and panting breath!!)"How much are those flat irons there?"The lady showed me the Cadillac of the flat irons and said, "Here's a good one!"

I asked, "How much?"

She says, "Well, it's on special!"

I ask, "How much?"

She says, "It's ceramic"

I ask, "How much?"

She says, "Well..... on special......with $5 dollars off... it's...um....only....um $44.95!!!" Do you get the feeling that this girl might be on commission?

After she gently picked me off the floor, gasping, I pointed at the flat iron prices at $29.99, and told her that I wasn't ready for such a big commitment.

She cheerfully grabbed the flat iron I had pointed to, and told me that this one also was $5 bucks off. YEAH!!!

So, clutching my purchases, I rushed out of the store, only to find the spawn's head popping up thru the sunroof of the car like a prom queen at the homecoming parade!!

Yep, I know it's a crime to leave a child unattended in a car, and that the Mommy Police will come and take away your mothering license, but dammit, someone had to hold the bag of crickets AND we had the stupid nervous dog in the car, and she's a notorious pooper whenever she's stressed!! AND I gave SheSpawn the kidnapper speech AND I locked the doors, AND I parked in right in front of the store,,,, AND, well, I know I was wrong dammit, already!!

So anyway, I get in the car, give the little one the "bad people gonna git you for sticking your head thru the sunroof" speech and then speeded out of the parking lot, mowing down several shoppers, so I could get home and try out the "new toy"!!!

So I get home, I had washed my hair and piled it into my mandatory Saturday ponytail earlier, and heated my new friend up... I then spent about 10 minutes parting and pressing my hair to near Malibu Barbie straightness. Then took a moment to admire my results.

It was AMAZING!!!! I was gorgeous!!! My hair, MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! It shimmers, it shines, IT'S SO FREAKING STRAIGHT.. I looked so hot, that I totally wanted to "do" myself!!! I could wait to show my little one. She didn't motive anything different. Not even when I said, "Do you notice anything different and pointed to my head."

So I showed the dog!! Then the other dog!! One just wanted to pee, and the other rolled over for a belly scratch.. Then the cats!! They both just yawned and looked bored. Then I tried to show the Toads, but one was busy humping the other one... However the 50 crickets that I had just bought to feed to the toads, seemed somewhat impressed. Either that, are they were just jumping all over the place because they knew they were dead meat.

So I decided that I would wait til my honey got home, and show him my amazing hotness.... So I put on a leetle makeup, put the new "push my boobies up on my chest again bra", and waited,,,,,and waited,,,,, then forgot about waiting and dragged my poor child out again, so total strangers could look at my hair AND BE JEALOUS!!!

When I got home later, he was there. (My honey had been to a Math conference (don't ask) and was away the night before) He took one look at me, and said, "You look so pretty!"

Ah, just what I was gunning for!! And ofcourse he got the most amazing loving that night!!

But better yet, my hair still looked good the next day at church, then again on Monday, and now again it's Tuesday, and I AM STILL HOT!!!!

I am afraid to wash my hair because I am afraid that it's just a fluke and that the flat iron only had enough mojo for the one time I used it!!! But on the other hand, it's been like 3 days since I washed my hair and HELLO IT'S TIME!!!

So tonight I will wash, and flat iron again. AND hopefully throw out my damn curling iron and NEVA look back!!!

Wish me luck.....

Only in Hiram...

2005-10-18T06:54:00.000-04:00

Only in Hiram, will you see a girl riding a horse....at the movie theatre....in the middle of the day. Only in Hiram will you find tambourine Lady standing in front of the Target, waving her bible, thumping on her tambourine, screaming at traffic...telling them to "Get right wif God, huney chile!" and "Jesus loves you, u huh, yes he do!!"

Where I live, only 45 minutes from downtown Atlanta. (Unless it's rush hour, and then it may take you hours to get to downtown!) Hiram..

Not sure why I ever moved to this little hole in the wall town, but I sure do like it here!!!

Ouch!!

2005-10-05T08:53:00.000-04:00

OMG - The Phone company is trying to kill me!!! But anyway....

So when we last left off, our beautiful, yet hapless, heroine had been tied to the railroad tracks by the dastardly villain.....Oh wait.. wrong story!!

So I told you about how it happened and where my mother sent me to live during the time...But before I take you into Labor and Delivery..let me tell you about 1 last memory of my time at "The Florence Crittenton Home for Unwed Mothers, and Runaway Girls".

My mother had a friend named Betty that she liked to hang with. Betty was a divorce with 2 daughters by husband #1, and a daughter by husband #2. The 2 older girls were my age, and they were alright girls, The younger daughter was about 8 years younger than us and a little spoiled rotten monster. Little Bit was the spittin image, in every way, of her manic depressive hoochy ass mother.

Once Little Bit was born, the older daughters became the built in babysitters so that Betty and my mom could run around town, and scout out new husbands! Betty also loved to take out all her frustrations on these poor girls too. They cooked, they cleaned, they watched the little monster, and all they every got in return for this was Betty's constant criticism, and put downs. I used to go over to their house and hang with them while our mom's were out together. We'd listen to music, and entertain the demon child, call people on the phone, etc. but we never really were very close because their mom hated all children, and I couldn't handle the venom, so I kept my distance when Betty was around, and Betty thought I was an uppity little bitch with a smart mouth. (because I was, maybe?)

So when I got pregnant and went to live at "Flo's House", I got very few visitors, since it was suppose to be a huge secret that I had been "knocked up". For my birthday, my mother planned a picnic at a nearby lake and brought Betty and her older girls. Once we got to the picnic area, I could just see Betty's gloating face. She was just SO FREAKING HAPPY to see me knocked up, bummed out and near suicidal..

I can only imagine her conversation with her girls on the way home that day, "Hey, you little stupid asses will be in the same boat if you don't watch yourself!!" "You are so worthless that you'll probably be knocked up like that soon."

I thought to myself afterwards, "Yes, Betty I may be here, but pregnancy only last 9 months, and you'll be an ugly dried up, crazy ass, bullemic bitch for the rest of your life.."

Oh well....just another hysterical memory..

So on the morning of September 17, I got up, dragged my bloated corpse to breakfast. Took one look at my oatmeal, and left to vacuum the hallway. (See, we all had chores at Flo's House, I had lucked out and had vacuuming that week.) Once that was done, I talked to nurse and told her that I thought that I might be in labor... She asked me if I had one of the 3 signs.

The 3 signs were..1. Labor Pains, duh!! 2. That gross Mucus Thingie, and 3. Extreme gushing of water from your girl parts.. I had 1 and 2. So Nurse (I wish so much I could remember her name!! - Nice Lady) took me to the hospital and checked me in, and disappeared to call my mother, while I under went the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life!!!

So some where, a man I am sure!, decided that all women in labor must been colonically cleansed, and have their girl parts shaved like a stripper... So this nurse holds me down, and does her trim job, then gives me an enema. Then she tells me to go to the bathroom, so I look around the room and see a very small door, and says, "Over there right?" She just gets an evil maniacal look on her face and says, "Ha, down the hall, on the left. Hurry!"

And me being the nice, never defecated on the floor, God fearing girl that I am, hold the back of my way too small, ass showing in the rear hospital gown, and make a mad dash out of the room, only to find that every freaking father to be on earth is standing in the hallway looking at my HUGE ASS!! So I finally make the 10 mile hike to the bathroom, explode like a atomic Bomb, and come back to the room, half the girl I used to be...

Then they put me in a bed, beside the female version of Hannibal Lechter!! I will call her Psycho Bitch for this story. I swear this girl was laying in bed, levitating, her head was spinning around, she was vomiting split pea soup....well you get the picture. So while she is taking a little break from screaming her lungs out and climbing the walls like a banshee, (these breaks seems to coincide with the soap operas that were playing on the TV / aka she only went wild during the commercials)I ask her how old she is... 27!!! So I began to look at the end of her bed, convinced that by the way she is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT, that any second, a 3 headed baby will pop out from between her legs !!!

So then in comes her mother, who makes Psycho Girl look like a member of the Mormon Boys Tabernacle Choir, and starts freaking out.... "Oh my baby, my baby!!! For the love of all things holy, give my little baby something for the pain!!!!!"Heading spinning around now... "I WILL HURT YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T GIVE MY PRECIOUS DARLING SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN!!!!" and so forth..

So then General Hospital, which by the way has way too many commercials!, comes back on and psycho girl is miraculously cured from the pain once again. So I ask her, "This is your first baby, right?" She say, "Nope, 2nd." then the commercials come back on again, dammit!!

So my nurse, not the evil one, comes in and takes my blood pressure, and she gets a stricken look and backs out of the room. Next thing I know, everyone is yelling and pushing my bed into another room, me, thinking that I must be dying, start praying like a dickens, "God I am sooooo sorry about this!! Please don't kill me, and I will be good, forever and ever, Amen!"

So they get me to another room ,and a female doctor comes in and turns on General Hospital (Like my ass was all into it or something!! It was during the Genie and Luke days, yuck!!) and the doctor sets down and starts telling me that she needs to take my BP again, that it was dangerously high. So she takes it, and smiles (all the while staring past me at the TV!) and says that the other girl must have really been upsetting me because my BP is now normal. (Thank you Lord, and I was just kidding about all that stuff I said earlier!)

So I say to the doctor, "Boy oh boy, Psycho Girl must be gonna blow any minute!" Doctor tells me that she's only half way as far as I am.... Damn girl!! Get a grip!! Then the nice doctor asked me if I would like something for the pain, never being one to turn down a good dose of free drugs, I say sure, and the nice lady gives me a shoot of Demerol and says, "Let's just sit here (While I totally don't work, and watch General Hospital!!), and let me know if you feel any pain. So I laid there, and she sit there, and we watch GH, and we sat, and we watched....

Finally after an hour or two, she says, "Don't you feel any pain? Anything?", I said, "Yep, but I don't even give a shit!"

Then she checks me, um down there.. and tells me that it is time. Heck GH was off anyway.. So we all go to the Delivery Room, where a nice lady then proceeds to jump and down on my belly until little Ms. Meh popped out like a pop tart popping out of a toaster!! While the another doctor was finishing up, he asked me if I needed anything, I had the munchies, so I promptly asked for a Little Debbie Brownie. Everyone laughed!! Dang it I hadn't ate all day!!!

Later, after all was done, and I was back in my room, sad, and blue, and alone....a nurse came to me and held me hand, and told me that she had also had to make the decision that I was about to make a couple of years before, and that she was praying for me.....

My heart hurt, I would be leaving without my baby. I would just go back to being a 16 yr old kid, trying to get out of highschool.. yeah right...

The next morning, I went down to the nursery, and immediately locked eyes with the most incredible baby ever to grace earth!! Her perfect little face, her tiny wise eyes..... I died a thousand deaths in that single moment, and promised her that once day I would find her.

Morning After...

2005-09-30T13:56:00.000-04:00

So when I last left you, let's see. I was or was not dating Bobby. Oh yea, we broke up. So the next couple of months were a blur of morning sickness, and skipping school as often as possible. I remember that during my sophomore year, I skipped school so much that when I DID show up, people I had known my entire life would just stare at me like I was a total stranger. I basically dropped all my friends and went into my little shell of denial.

My brother graduated in June from high school, so my mother planned a little party, and my Dad came to town along with other assorted relatives that I almost never see. But that time I was about 5 or 6 months along, and all my relatives must have known, because their eyes popped out when they saw me. I remember going to award ceremony with my mother the night before graduation (cause my brother was a total overachiever!) and watching all the seniors getting the awards and scholarships, and thinking, "Dear God, get me outta of this town!"

So as the summer bore along, I finally broke down and told my mother in late June that I was pregnant. Her first words? "What will all MY friends say?!?!?" Ah Mommy Dearest.... She was worried about what HER friends would think.. haha

So she told me that I needed to call the father, (Something about having them help pay for this mess, I believe). So I did, I talked to his mother(She's nice, but looked like Cruella from 101 Dalmations back then!) and she gave me the usual line, "Oh he's not at home right now." So rather forcfully I said, "Well you better get him home, because I'm going to have his baby, and we need to talk."

He
called
back
in
5
minutes...

And he asked the old standard question girls always love to hear whenever they tell someone that they're pregnant. "Is it mine?" For the first time in my life I went totally bitch on him, and said a couple of really not nice things to him..

My mother got me an appt with her GYN and we went to the appt. He took one look at me and said, "I'm afraid little sister is pregnant." and ordered an x-ray. So we ran over to the x-ray place, and got an x-ray done. They put it in an envelope and handed it to us. When we got outside, Mother pulled the x-ray out and held it up to the sun. And the SHE was!!

There was a picture of the MOST PERFECT CHILD ever conceived!!! One perfect child, IN MY STOMACH!!! Sweet little head down, tiny hands tucked under her chin, long legs crossed and tucked up to her tummy. My life changed that instant. I was momentarily blown away, I couldn't believe that something so AMAZING could be growing in me, right under my broken heart!!

My mother kept that x-ray hidden in her closet for years. I think as a reminder of what she thought that she had done for me. I, in a fit of rage, burnt the x-ray years later, when she had pissed me off about something..I so wished that I still had that, it was perfect....

The next couple of weeks were a blur of an aborted abortion attempt, and a short vacation to Tybee Island, where I did alot of watching the ocean and thinking about the future.. and my Mother finding a place to fix me or "hide" me.

My mom's first thought was, "Hell, she'll get an abortion!" So she took me to a "hospital" in Atlanta. Well, the sign said "Hospital" but it was just an old house that was an abortion clinic. When we got to the waiting room, there were about 60 people there, all waiting to get abortions. Some of them were chained to the chairs with police guarding them. I about died, when I saw that place!!! The place was old, and dirty and reeked of urine and cigarette smoke. But Mother just smiled and we found a seat and we waited for our turn.

So after waiting, and trying not to make any eye contact with any woman who might slit my throat, my turn was called. I went to the back and was introduced to a nice Doctor named, I shit you not!!, Dr. Hook!!!! and she had about 3 inch long bright red painted fingernails!!! I lost it... I freaked out and started hyperventelating, turning all shades of blue and red... She was nice, held my hand and looked at my x-ray. She said that I was probably too far along to have a regular abortion then proceeded to tell me about the "other" way they do abortions.

"Not a big deal, really".. but did require an overnight visit in the "hospital". First they take a needle filled with saline solution and shoot it into the baby. This slowly (and painfully- I bet) kills the baby. Then they open your cervix, and smack the baby in the head to crush the skull, so it will come out easier. Once all this is complete, then they induce labor, and let you hang out at the "hospital" and have the baby during the night. Although this sounded like "great fun", I continued to freak out. She then told me that I was probably so far along that I couldn't have this kind of abortion either. (Do you get the feeling that she was trying to "work" with me?)

After she promised me that she wouldn't harm the baby in anyway, I let her examine me. She then confirmed that I couldn't have an abortion of any kind, and went out to tell my mother. When we left that place, I was smiling ear to ear, and my mother was freaking out and bitching about needing a drink...

The next week, we made an appt with DFCS. We then met with a super nice lady at Dept of Family and Children Services. Her name was Harriet Wadkins. She was so comforting, she never judged, she was always sympathetic and constantly told me to call her anytime I just wanted to talk. My mother had told Harriet that she needed to find a place that would keep me til the baby came, help find a find a home for the baby, and not cost my mother anything (Since she was "so sweetly" giving (selling) them a baby! - Be-aytch!) So Harriet found a place in Chattanooga called The Florence Crittenton Home.

Harriet was also finding a set of prospective parents who would adopt the baby. The cool thing is that she was interviewing these people, then telling me very generic details about who they were, and what they were like, and ASKING my opinion on whether I thought they'd be the right parents for my baby!!! This was awesome!!! Ssomeone was finally asking MY opinion of what I THOUGHT was best. I almost couldn't believe it!! I think that she was sent from heaven now..

Florence Crittenton house was a house for pregnant girls and run away girls. By runaway girls, I mean girls who were either so bad or damamged that they couldn't live at home or in foster care. It was situtated in a old mansion near an industrial park. So it was gated like a fortress. It was a nice place although really old, but you couldn't really go outside the gates too very much or you'd get mugged. So we packed our bags and my mother dropped me off there.

Ok, before I go on, yes my mother was a bitch about everything, but on the other-hand she was also totally overwhelmed. She was a single mother with 3 kids, almost no child support from my Dad (or help), and she had a drinking problem. Here I was, 15, in school, got my self knocked up by one of her friend's child, totally helpless about that whole thing, and ofcourse with no help or support from the father of MY child. (He ran away and joined the Air Force after I told him. Was later kicked out for being a puss during boot camp.)

So my mother left me there, and I was put up on the 3rd floor with 3 other girls in my room. There were all pregnant like me. Once of the girls, Christy, later, who became my best buddy there, was only 13. She lived in Atlanta, and had gotten pregnant by her neighbor (I think that they call that molestation now!). Then there was Abigail, who was 12 and pregnant. She said that a distant family member had done the deed, but I kept getting hints that it was her father.. Poor thing. I can't quite remember the other 2 girls.

But there was other people there that I do remember, like the lady who was almost 30 and living there while pregnant. By the time of her Due Date, she had convinced herself that she would keep the baby and raise it by herself. Unfortunately she delivered during my time there, and the baby, a little boy, was born with the cord wrapped around his neck and died. That was devastating for everyone there.

Then there was the DJ who was in her 20's, living there and pregnant. She worked at a hip-hop radio station, and mostly kept to herself. She seemed to always be crocheting a mint green baby blanket. Just staring off into space and crocheting, crocheting. Whenever she smiled, she would just smile with far away eyes.. She was kicked out before the baby came. I think that she got back together with her boyfriend. (Her Baby Daddy!)

The there were that run aways that lived there. Or the throw aways as I like to think. One girl, named Patty, was just as sweet, sad, and loving as she could be. Her mother has been gone so long that Patty couldn't remember anything about her. Patty had been bounced from foster home to foster home to foster home. She was just so sweet, and meek and lost. She'd just hug on you, and hold your hand and try to make you love her... She was only 12.

Then there were the 2 sisters. They were bitches, but crazy mean bitches!! One was named Sue and the other was Serone, I think. They were like 13 and 15, both had children at home, making their poor mother raise 'em, and were at this home. They once gained up on me and tried to tell me how sorry I was for giving my baby away. I told them something like, "Me?!?! Who the hell is raising your babies? If you were such good mothers, why are you here? Is it better to raise children you can't provide for who will grow up and be just like you?" They didn't say to much to me after that. Later I saw one of them jump on one of the home counselers and slap the shit out of the poor lady. I have to say that the lady probably deserved it. She was one smug bitch.

There was a girl there who was about 15, can't remember her name, but she LOVED the truck drivers!! She dissappeared every now and then, or snuck out to meet and boink truck drivers. She'd always come back with a handful of pills for everyone.

Meh, before you freak out and convince yourself that you are a crack baby, I only took one "speckled bird!!"

Even though I was there to have a baby, I did manage to bond with many of the girls and other people there. Like Joy, a girl from my hometown, who had been raped and came there to have her baby and give it up. The Nurse, who was built like a line-backer with the meanest face I ever saw, but she just happened to be the sweetest person I had ever met and she could light up the room when she smiled. The house mother's who stayed with us at night.

Some were friendly, some kept to themselves. One of them was the single mother of 2 boys, and she would come into our rooms, and set on the floor like a teenager, and we'd talk long into the night about highschool, boys, and our dreams. She never asked us how we'd gotten there, and never judged. Or the "Super Fly" middle aged single lady with the rocking afro! I had to go down to her room one night after lights out and wake her up to check on a sick girl. Her "rocking" afro was setting on her dresser and she had her little bald head wrapped in a stocking cap.

I
about
fell
over
dead!!

Also some of the funny things there were when we went on outings. People would see about 15 pregnant teenagers get out of a van holding their backs and rubbing their big bellys... and their eyes would bulge out. Once time a guy, with his wife, was so rudely staring that I just looked at him and said, "Don't worry, we're not blaming you,,,this time!!" He started laughing and he and his wife asked all kinds of funny questions.

Let's see, I got to go to a "Mother's Finest/38 Special" concert. My 1st rock concert every,,, WAHOO!! Saw Hank Williams Jr's drunk ass about fall off stage. Saw Sara Vaughn in concert, she just blew me away. Saw and fell madly in love with Don "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" McClean's music.

Being there was like having 30 sisters. We were all in a jam together and learned to watch out for each other. Whenever someone would have a traumatic event, like a visit from a boyfriend or parent, or whenever someone was in trouble, we had their back.

I later moved to the 9th month room, which was the only room in the house that you could sneak out of the windows. Alomst every night girls would dress up in thier slut-clothes (Mostly the non-pregnant ones!) slap on tons of make-up, and slap their heels over the shoulders and make a mad dash out the window. Now to "escape" you had to go out the window, OVER MY BED, crawl down the roof of the car port, then climb down the fire escape. I never left, I was afraid I'd slide down the roof, fall and split open like a watermelon!!

Then after the night of "passion" was over, it was back up the escape, crawl UP the roof, rap rap on the window, and back to bed. I got no sleep in that room!! It was so hiliarious. They'd take off looking all suave, and come back with hickies all over their necks, make up smeared, their hair all smooshed up, and amazing tales of their adventures...

Also while I was there, Lady Diana married her Prince Charles. All the girls were glued to the TV's, watching every perfect detail of the events leading up to the wedding, and finally the wedding. We all wished that our princes would come and save us from our dreary existance!! Ofcourse all the days went by, and my tummy got bigger and bigger...the time that I had been looking toward FINALLY CAME TO PASS...

Then there was Bobby....

2005-09-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

Why am I talking about stuff that happened 25 yrs ago? I have no clue... I think it's just that I think about that Robert Frost poem alot about the Fork in the Road...

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I am so thankful of the path that I have taken in life, but I do wonder about where I'd be today if I had made other choices 25 years ago. Here's a little bit more of my look back on time...

So after darling "Zitty Man" and I stopped seeing each other, I had went to church with a girl who lived in my neighborhood. She was a freak! Her parents were even freakier! The whole family reminded me of "Married with Children". I loved being there!! Her grandad had a wrestling bear, I.kid.you.not... or a "wrasslin' bear" as I recall him saying.. So she and I went to her church one winter evening, and while there I saw a guy I knew was a friend of my cousin Ricky. His name was Bobby. My cousin lived the next town away and went to another school. Farimount High - Home of the Bulldogs!!! Bobby also went to Farimount. He had just graduated when I met him. My cousin had told me that he was a "nice guy".

Anyway, I saw him there, and we chatted a little. He was 19 at the time, I was 15. Now before I tell you anymore, there were 2 classes of people in the town I grew up in. Not the Upper Class, and Middle Class, but the "I can't wait to graduate and get married and work at a carpet mill, and have lots a kids asap!" class and the "I can't wait til graduation, so I can get the hell outta of this freaking place!" class.

Bobby was the former, I was the latter. Bobby was 1 of 4 boys. He was Boy #3. He was the baby until he was about 10, then his parents had another little boy and commenced to spoiling that one rotten. Both Bobby's older brother's were already married and out of the house. Bobby's house was a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life. His brother's were always visiting with the wives and kids. Or he had assorted relatives around, and it seemed that his mom was always cooking loads and loads of food. It was the home, I never had!! Full of love, and excitement. (Not that I had a horrible home life, just kind of boring and ruled.)

So after seeing Bobby at church, we chatted a little and decided that it's be cool to meet up the next weekend and go caroling with the church. (Caroling - so hokie!!) So we met up the next weekend, and went with about a group of 10 or so and caroled at other church member's houses. After that time, Bobby and I became rather exclusive. Right after Christmas, I suspected that I might be pregnant. I kept the secret to myself for the longest time. I knew who the father was because at that time, I had only been with one person.

Once it became clear that I was pregnant, I thought that this was something that I needed to tell the "father/perpetrator" in person. So I called him, and called him, and freaking called him. He never answered or called back. After awhile I just gave up. Bobby suspected that something was up because I was practically outta of my mind with fear. After about a month of begging and prodding, Bobby began to suspect that I wanted to break it off with him. I didn't...I just didn't think that we were close enough to each other for me to share this with. Heck, I was going out and having the best fun with Bobby. He was my buddy, took me places, treated my like a queen. I thought that if I told him the news, that he'd run like hell, like any normal boy would! Like the father had. (I think he suspected, even though I hadn't told him.)

So one evening after hours of talking, and arguing about why I was so bitchy.. I came out with the truth to Bobby. I said something along the lines of , "Remember that guy, I told you about? Well, I'm going to have a baby, and it's his."

Bobby (Classic Bobby...) didn't miss a beat, didn't bat an eyelash. He just grabbed my hands and said, "I will marry you, and we will raise this child as our own, and no one will ever have to know."

I was in shock, and I was amazed. I told him that I needed to think on it. When you are damaged, you naturally assume that anyone who could love you must also be damaged. This is what I believed about Bobby. How could someone love me? I'm dirty, bad and no good!! AND I'm pregnant for God's sake!!!

Later when the offer was made again, I told him that we would just wait and see. As the months went by, I convinced myself that I did love Bobby and that we should get married. I later gave myself to him, thinking that I could love him thru sex. I did love him, but not enough to marry him and have him raise a child that was not his.

I later broke up with Bobby as my belly began to swell and he began to force the marriage issue more and more. I really loved Bobby, he treated me like I was sacred. I think that he worshipped me way too much.

After the baby (You- Meh!) was born, I later dated Bobby again. I told him all about what had happened during the months we were apart, and about the baby. He never condemned me, or made me feel bad about the choice that I had made. He just took my hands again, and said, "We'll get married."

As time went by, and we dated, I hated myself for the decision that I had made concerning the baby, and the big secret that I was keeping from the world. I felt like I wanted to die, and wasn't worthy of living. If ever I was close to killing myself, this was the time. Bobby loved me anyway, he never judged or questioned my decision. I gradaully convinced myself that Bobby must be crazy to love someone as flawed as me and began to find fault with him. I picked and picked at every little imagined flaw that he had. I eventually broke up with him, before he could come to his senses and break up with me!!

Very soon after, he married a girl he knew from his school and they immediately started having kids of their own. Last I had heard, the were still happily married with boys of their own. I hope their house is a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life...

The world is a better place thanks to men like him..

How I met your father....

2005-09-27T15:21:00.000-04:00

So will be 25 years ago this fall that I met Meh's father, biological father, sperm donor,the Zitty Man, etc...etc..

How did it all start? Oh I remember it so well. I was only in 10th grade and homecoming was on the way. For some strange reason, I had decided that I wanted to participate in high school activities, after a year of standing on the side lines...

Yes, it was homecoming, and the theme for 1980's homecoming was "Popular Music", so our class decided to go with the song "Lonesome Loser" - "Have you heard about the lonesome loser?" So our float for the "big parade" was to feature the mascot of the opposing team playing cards...alone (So original). This meant lots of chicken wire and about a million paper napkins!!

So I caught a ride to the armory, which is where each grade was building their floats for the big day, and started stuffing napkins in the frame of the float. All of a sudden, I feel a light tap tap tap on my shoulder, so I slowly turn my head, so that I wouldn't mess up my carefully coiffed feathered bangs, and looked behind me.

And there he was... in. all. his. glory. Short, pimply, with permed hair,in the 11th grade AND with a CAR!!!!! He was part of the cool, rich boy, stoner crowd, so naturally my mouth about hit the floor to see him at an after-school event. Once, I regained my composure, I gave him a little toss of the hair, and smiled. He asked me if I had plans that weekend. Did I have plans?!?! Hell it was only homecoming week, and I had no frigging date to the dance! Did I have plans, you ask?!?! "I shyly smiled and said, "Um no, why?" (Naturally thinking that he'd taken notice of my perfect Farrah Fawcett hair-do and perky little boobies and wanted to take me to the dance! (Because hell, that was my crowd, the geeky going to the school dance crowd!!)

He just said, "Cool, wanna go out this weekend?" So I (a little disappointed) said, "Sure, what did you have in mind?" (taking me to the dance, perhaps?) he said that we'd just figure it out when the time came.

Well ,the weekend came, and I wanted to go to the homecoming game atleast, so we decided that we'd move our little date to Saturday. I went to the game, with my boring (non potsmoking) friends, and he hung out (God knows where) with his druggie crew. I don't remember where we went or how the date ended, but I do remember that he was sweet, we kissed, and that I liked him very much. He introduced me to pot that night.. We also drank a little beer, but I had never been much of a drinker, so I didn't get wasted. (It used to be SO EASY to buy beer back then!!)

The weekend before, I had had a date with a "much older guy" of 19 who had his head on straight, a full time job, (aka looking for a mommy for his youngins) and had pinned me down to the front seat of his Buick and tried for dear life to get me outta of my pants. (Think God for those tight pants of the '80's) The older guy wasn't too awfully rude about it when I said, "No way." but I just knew when he dropped me off that that would be the last time I ever saw him. It was our 1st and last date, ever.

So back to the 11th grader. The first date turned into holding hands and kissing (total PDA) at school the next week, long phone conversations, and promises of other dates. So, soon after, we decide to "move it up to the next level". Yet again we go out, he drops me off at the crucial 11pm curfew, and we discover that we have the house. all. to . ourselves....... So one thing leads to another, and we are in bed together. he had already told me that he had already had sex, so I thought he was a pro. Only he was terrible. I had no clue what I was doing, but hell I had read some romance novels... (Funny thing, I didn't know that you were suppose to hold you legs up when you were having sex, I thought that they were suppose to be plastered to the bed, so he had to tell me, "Hey, you are suppose to lift you legs up a little." So stupid!)

When it was all over with, he confessed that he was a virgin, and asked me if I was. I told him, "Duh! Yes!"

It seemed that after the 1st time, we couldn't get enough of eachother. We HAD TO HAVE EACHOTHER CONSTANTLY.. And our clueless parents, never seemed to be around. so we did it at my house, his house, friends' houses. We'd lay out of school, hang out at eachother's house, smoke pot (my new best friend!) and make love.

He was so sweet, and gentle. (But he still actually sucked at making love, now that I think back on it.) The best part of being a teenager is that you have spent hours and hours of petting, by the time you ever have sex, so you are like the Masters of Foreplay. I remember often sitting between his legs while we watched TV, or listened to music, and he would rub my arms, or play with my hair for hours on end.

My family wasn't really very demonstrative when it came to love, and my mom was single, so this was totally new to me. I mistook this as REAL LOVE, haha. But hey, I was only 15 at the time.

By Christmas, it was all over between us. He like most other boys was too broke or cheap to shell out any dough for a Christmas gift on a girlfriend (People, I know this, I got 2 boys of my own!!) so he gradually quit calling, quit coming over, etc.. etc.. I feel like our sexual experience had opened the flood gates for both of us. So, he started dating a total hooker from another school, and I met an older guy (19 again, DAMN!) that my cousin introduced me too. The other guy....

....deserves his own posting.

Should I be worried...

2005-08-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

Here is a picture of my son and his church friends.....at church. It was a "church" bonfire. Should I be worried??

I'm thinking yes.

Cruise Notes

2005-08-17T09:44:00.000-04:00

Ok, I had forgot about this one, but it was so darn cute that I gotta tell ya.

Every night of the cruise, there were shows on board. Vegas style entertainment. Nearly Naked Dancers, Comedians, Magicians, etc..etc..

So on the night that they had the magician, he brought up 3 little kids to help him do a magic trivck. He was going to saw this one kid's head off, and the other 2 children were suppose to catch it so that it didn't roll off stage. (I know, yuck.. but sooo funny!!) There were to little boys about 7 and 10, and a little girl.

So the magician put the collar around the old boy's neck, and had the other 2 children hold out their hands.....to catch the head.

The little girl was a little skinny black kid. Just as cute as could be. Had on her Sunday Best dress, and little white shoes. You could tell Momma had taken some time with her hair too. She was just perfect!!

So the magician gets ready to do his trick and asks the little girl, "What's the magic word?"

She looks at him straight in the eyes, real sweet and shy, and says, "Pleeeeaaaasssseee?"

The crowd went wild..................................................................

Laughing during sex?

2005-08-11T09:40:00.000-04:00

Not a good thing.

I can't help it. My husband is so damn funny! Sometimes we just lay in bed and he's says things, and it makes me laugh dammit!

Last night, well I can't tell you about last night, but it was freaking insane. Let's just say that I know that I married a guy who will take care of me in my old age.

Gotta love it.

She's Baaaaacccckkk!!!!

2005-08-10T10:08:00.000-04:00

I went on vacation last week. Wahoo!

I went on a cruise! Big Wahoo! A Carnival Cruise!

It was great. No, this isn't my 1st cruise, (nor my last) and yes, I know that Carnival is the cruise of the the "low class" peoples. But guess what?!?!? I lucked out on this cruise. I took the Carnival Glory! It's a NEW HUGE BEAUTIFUL boat. Unlike my other 2 Carnival Cruises which were rather old boats and a little worn. (Think Blackbeard's Pirate Ship)

This ship has GREAT ROOMS!! With big shiny white down comforters and down pillows. I am so damn lazy that I spent the majority of the cruise sacked out in bed. But, when I was up and outta my cabin, I did have a great time. Shows, Karoake, Eating, Drinking (lots!), Gambling, going to 3rd world countries to buy overpriced souvenirs, etc.. etc..

I also found out some very interesting things about my family on this cruise, also.

1.) My poor husband is whooped. Whenever there was any arguments or pouting or tears, he would just hang his head and get the faraway gaze in his eyes.. (I'll explain later..)

2.) A ship that holds 3,500 passengers and 1,500 crew members is too small, when it comes to my family.. Example - My little girl and I were at each others throats most of the time, I saw my son on various occasions trying to act cool (unsuccessfully!), making out with random girls, gambling, etc.. etc.. I saw my mother in law ALL OVER the damn place, talking to strangers and eating desserts (which I hear diabetics are suppose to do!)

3.) My Mother-in-Law takes FOREVER in the bathroom and goes about 10 million times a day AND expects me to wait while she goes!

4.) My little Daughter is trying to de-throne the Queen of all Things Bitchy and Evil! (Me) Poor little thing, I love her so, because she's me made over. I just wish that I had the brains that kid has when I was her age. I would have been ruler on the universe by now!!!

She, Daddy and I shared a room, and by the end of the cruise, my poor husband was curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room, sucking his thumb.. She and I argued, complained and pouted at eachother most of the time. It seems that we're both madly in love with the same man (no, dude - not is that sick way!!) And having him trapped in a room with the both of us for the entire week, was just about more than he could handled. haha!! I love MEN!!

It's so funny, when ever 2 female argue, there's almost always tears or pouting, and if a man sees tears, he's like, " It's the end of the world!!!" Ofcourse to the females who are arguing, it's just normal, cause that's how we communicate, when we are trying to make our point.

Guys on the other hand, they belch in eachothers face or fart on a pillow to show that they don't agree with eachother.

Once we got home from the cruise, me and little sissy were back to normal. We love eachother but we know that we definitely both need our space.

I don't even know why I am mentioning this. I guess because my poor husband had to listen to all our bitching. AND on a brighter note - (Really this is good news!)

I TURNED 40!!!!! last week

Why is this good news you ask? (Yes, you over there in the corner) Well heck, everyday that you wake up and you're still alive is a great thing! I rather be fat and forty than thin, twenty and dead!!

How about you?

Parenting 101

2005-07-27T09:52:00.000-04:00

I sometimes wonder how I can fully damage my children mentally. (The courts say that I am not allowed to "hit" them anymore. Not even where the bruises don't show.)

Here's some of the amazing tools that I use, in order to make sure that my children remain emotionally broken and move out of my house the second they turn 18.

1.) Go to PTA meeting wearing Daisy Duke's and a tube top. (I am a large, old woman, and have lovely stretch marks all over my body!) This is my way of telling my children, "Thank you for ruining my girlish figure, with your abnormally large head during gestation. I am proud to sport the body that you gave me!

2.) When ever I drop the kids off at school in the morning, I wait until the little darling gets out of the car and yell at the top of my lungs, "Mommy loves you!, Make good choices!, Just say NO to drugs!" This immediately turns my child into a Olympic Sprinter toward the school.

3.) Talk about your child's hygiene and bowel movements to completed strangers. Example: Task your precious one into a drug store or department store, the larger the better. Make your way up to the store manager or pharmacist while holding your child firmly in your grasp so that he/she can't escape, and ask a question like, "Do you sell Husky?" or "Little Tommy hasn't went number 2 in 3 days, do you have anything for that?"

4.) Talk to members of the opposite sex in front of your child. "So you go to school with Jenny? Do you think she's hot? Have you ever seen her wear that red sweater? Do you want to take her to the prom?"

5.) Make a scene. Laugh Loud, Sing to yourself in public, Talk to strangers. Wear anything bright...etc.. Just about any sudden movement or noise that you make that would identify you as your child's mother is a source of of extreme embarrassment to your child.

That's all that come to mind right now, but I am sure after I come back from a week of vacation with my little angels that I will have MANY more parenting tips to share.

Raspberry..

2005-07-26T17:42:00.000-04:00

So everything is Raspberry flavored now. What is a Raspberry anyway? Just an unripe Blackberry if you ask me!

Raspberries suck, who likes them anyway?

AND

They're red dammit! Not blue. Who in marketing came up with the brilliant idea that anything raspberry must be blue? (Especially marketed to children)

Probably a damn man!

B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!!

2005-07-22T14:05:00.000-04:00

I am such a Suzy Homemaker this week. My deep and unsettling hatred of XMIL has caused me to do something that I haven't done in a while.

MAKE A SHIRT!!!

Stand back Calvin Klien, Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan, I am the greatest new fashion designer of the world!!! Ok, so really it was a McCalls pattern that I got off the sales rack at Wal-Mart last winter, and the fabric costs only a dollar a yard. But I made it dammit and it's so cute!!!

I wore it to work today, and it's a little low necked, so whenever I look down, guess what I see?

B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!!

That's right, my girls!! My pride and joys!!! Right up there under my nose. I have no idea why, but those puppies are really up there today!! I will probably have to retire my wonderful boobilicious shirt after today, but it was nice to wear something I actually made myself. (It's totally Daisy Duke looking - original DD)

The only draw back is (besides being way too low necked!) is that I keep seeing random strings coming out of the shirt. I am afraid that if I pull anything, that the whole she-bang will just come loose and drop in a puddle around me ankles, and everyone will see my "old lady bra".

Oh well, can't win 'em all, but atleast I do have B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!

Ex-wife's Mother-in-Law

2005-07-20T10:41:00.000-04:00

No, not my ex-wife, my husband's. I am an idiot, that's all there is...

See, my husband's ex-wife quit talking to her mother about 5 years ago, because XMIL didn't support her daugther's decision to divorce my darling prince. So, what does XMIL do, she starts calling my husband telling him how much she'd like to visit her granddaughter and how she knows that the mom will never let her visit the granddaughter again, because they aren't speaking. So being the putz that I am (and not realizing XMIL tru evil side!) I encourage him to let the old bat come visit.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E. The first couple of visits went ok. XMIL would come and visit, whisper to the grown up about what a low life her daughter was, and basically just enjoy her time with the granddaughter. But then, BUT THEN, the true colors began to show.

First all, - the lady is hard of hearing. (She lied to us and told us that her mom hit her in the head until she went deaf. - not true) AND she's from Brooklyn, AND she keeps birds, lots of birds. Combine all that together and you get a loud, highpitched, nasally Brooklyn accent. This is a voice that strips paint of the wall, when she talks!! But miraculous, she has the hearing of a damn eagle whenever you say something that you DON'T want her to hear, and will even give you her unsolicited opinion on it, even though you weren't asking her!

2ndly - She lies, and she talks bad about EVERYONE she knows. She dissed her kid, her family AND her friends. She was showing me pictures one time and actually had the nerve to tell me that God was punishing her friend (he's in a wheelchair) because his parents were like 3rd cousins and married eachother. (Nice...) I told her that I didn't think that God worked like that. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, and she still tells Her husband that my husband is STILL with her daughter!! (Confusing, I know!)

3rdly - She tells our daughter bad things about her mother. (the daughter) AND her dad. (Talking shit about my husband will earn you an ass kicking real quick, from me!) She tells my child that she doesn't know why her mommy doesn't love grandma anymore, and that mommy is mean to grandma. (Hey lady, you dissed your daughter when she needed you the most, then talked bad about her, to everyone you know. HELLO, this is your daughter that you are pissing on!) Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of the ex-wife myself, but she IS the mommy, therefore we don't talk bad about the mommy.

Grandma also told our child some silly story about how a family pet had gotten ran over, and then told the child that Daddy has basically lied about how it really happened. (it was totally stupid and not true, but it eroded our daughter's confidence in her dad.)

4thly - The woman eats like a damn horse, AND pretends that she has food allergies. The old bat weighs less than 100lbs, and has a great figure, but she can eat you out of house and home! From the minute she hits are door, she is CONSTANTLY munching and grazing like an old milk cow!! And everynow and then, she'll pretend like she has some silly allergy and want you to buy her "special food". One time, she had a milk allergy, therefore she made us supply her with rice milk, which she didn't drink, because it tastes like liquid garbage!! (She has drank milk since then with no problems, old wench!!)
Last weekend, when the bat was visting, I made a chocolate cake. My husband nervously tells me that XMIL is allergic to chocolate. I just said, "Watch this." then asked the old bat is she wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Ofcourse she said sure, and even went back for seconds. (and probably thirds, when no one was looking!)I waited all night for that old hag to swell up and die. I was so disappointed!!

5thly- The woman never opens her purse for shit!! She complains that she's hungry the minute you get her off the plane, so we have to take her out to a restaurant. Does she offer to pay, ever? Hell no!! We drive an hour to pick her dumb ass up at the airport, have to totally rearrange our schedules, does she offer anything on gas? No!! She goes shopping, buys her friends all kinds of crap to take back to NY, buys her damn birds all kinds of crap... Does she buy her ONLY granddaughter even a freaking piece of gum? Whaddaya think? NO!!!! Heifer bitchass hooch!

Just to let you know of this lady's love toward her grandchild. There was this one time that our daughter was showing XMIL a ring that her mom had given her. XMIL looks at it and says "that's my wedding band that I gave my mother 30 years ago, I want it back!!", and then tried to take the ring from our 6 yr old. Our child said, "No, my mother gave me that ring!: (Apparently the XMIL's mom had held on the ring for 25 years or so, then gave it to HER granddaughter and told her that she could have the ring since it was the wedding band of her parents, who had divorced right after she was born.) So XMIL runs to my husband and tell him (like a damn 5 yr old!) that she wants her ring back from the 6 yr old, and that "she won't give it back". Husband says, "that's between you and her."

Then the bat from hell, runs to me and says the same thing. I tell her that it's our daughter's ring and therefore her decision, but that XMIL CANNOT just take the ring. So XMIL guilt trips the poor child for about a day, until she finally caves and say that the old bat can have the ring. but ONLY if XMIL will buy her another ring. So XMIL makes me take her to Wal-Mart to get a another ring. She strolls over to the racks that holds the cheap stuff, while the daughter and I proceed to the ring counter to find the most expensive ring possible. In the end, the little monster saw something glittery and purple, therefore I could only peg the ole bat for $40 bucks. (Darnit.)

Anyway, these crazy wench came for another visit this past weekend, and totally showed her ass as usual. I told my husband that the next time she wanted to visit, to tell her not to come, because we are having martial problems.

He gave me a stricken look, and said, "But we're not having marital problems."

I just said, "Oh we will, if she ever comes back!''

Army Surplus Store

2005-07-13T07:45:00.000-04:00

So now I ride the bus to work.. Ridin da' bus. Ridin da' bus..

We pass by a Army Surplus Store, and what's in the wnidow, but a big ole queer flag. Beautiful Rainbow Colors.... Somehow I don't think I ever saw those flag in any wars...

I liked it, it was sweet.

NOthing new to report. Except the mother in law is back.....and very needy.

Then there was Sunday...

2005-07-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

As you will soon figure out, we did alot of traveling (and partying) over the weekend of the 4th.

Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)

So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.

John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town mentality..cool.) So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.

So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.

So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)

So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.

John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."

Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!

Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."

Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)

So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.

As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!

A Month's Worth of Drama Packed into 1 Wild Night!!

2005-07-05T10:05:00.000-04:00

So, I laid outta work on Friday, because the phone company finally saw the good in me and hired me on fulltime. I AM SUCH A PRIZE!! So I had to take my final temp employee comp day...or lose it.

So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)

So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.

Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!

One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!!!

So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.

So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?

They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.

So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.

We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"

Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..

But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".

I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.

So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.

Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.

Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.

Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!

So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!

Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)

Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...

So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.

Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.

My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...

So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)

Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.

So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.

I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..

So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"

Yeah right, you freaks...

Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.

A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....

Huli,,,Huli,,,Huli,,,,you quitter.

2005-06-20T14:50:00.000-04:00

So one of my favorite people quit the phone company today. You wench....I have to admire her though. She started working here when I started, did the job for 4 months, discovered that she hated it, and said, "See ya later alligators!" I'm gonna miss her...

She was so funny. We used to go out and get Chinese every now and then and she'd open her fotune cookie and say, "Never trouble trouble, til trouble troubles you!" and that's exactly how she lived her life.

Can you imagine, just having a job you hated and saying, "F it, I am outta here!" She handled it better than that ofcourse, but that was basically the theme of how it went down. She was much more ladylike about it than how I would have been.. haha

Miss you Huli, poor G-girl had to go smoke by herself today...Come Back!!

It's Monday alllllll day long aroung here..

Where is my new post?

2005-06-10T10:11:00.000-04:00

Blogger ate it.. that's where. Tards. I hate you .

Is Friday already? Yep, thank the Lord!!

Anyone want to take a nice mother in law and 8yr old kid off my hands for the evening? So I can go meet my husband at a motel and "get my groove on". Didn't think so..

Only my husband would be so anal as to get a hotel room, so he can be close to a testing facility that was only two hours away, so that he can take a test a 07:30 am tomorrow.

Excuse me dear, I could have swore you said that we were broke. Right before you booked that 7 day cruise you booked last week. And weren't you the one that said that we didn't have enough money for you to go to the dentist and have that toothache looked at BEFORE it needed a root canal? Wasn't that just last night?

Enjoy your hotel room, sweetie...... While I "enjoy" entertaining you mother.

Anyone out there got a sharp stick?

Some People

2005-06-09T18:36:00.000-04:00

Guilty as charged here. You all know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to rag on people. Dumb People, Irritating People, no one's immune from my wrath. Which is why I have to tell you about my dear co-worker Farg.

That's not really her name, but it does rhyme with Farg. Anway Farg is IRRITATING to the inth degree. Poor Thing. She has no life so she must invent one. It's a life that is better than yours, more tragic than yours, or worse than yours, depending upon what the story is that she needs to top.

I must be getting old, when people lie to me, then contradict themselves, I almost always believe that I am the one losing my mind. Never assuming that I am being lied too. Lucky for me, there's another coworker that knows Farg from way back when...

Farg's husband was killed in Desert Storm, he was also killed in Hawaii. Damned if I know how he managed to get himself killed twice. Dear old buddy coworker confirmed that he actually divorced Farg. hmmm, wonder why????

In Farg's 42 years of life, she has worked at S%^&t, trained to be a nurse, been a nurse, been an overseas stewardess, and a homemaker, among other things. At her job at S%^&t, she has been everything from a Director to an Admin Assistance (let that one slip today - dumbass..)

Farg has had cancer. One day it was breast cancer, next time she told the story, it was cancer of the breast AND the female organs down south. She has implants. It appears that the doctor put them closer to her belly button than he should have. In one conversation regarding cancer, she did not lose any hair during chemo, but 2 sentences later she DID lose hair during chemo and it grew back curly (It's straight.) Then she had cancer of the mother. The mother died. (She really did, per Dear old buddy coworker) Farg managed to hang on to dearly departed Mom's handicap parking sticker, and now parks in the best spots in the parking garage. (Bitch - I hope you trip on the handicap curb...)

Farg has a boyfriend. He's from Ireland. He plays in a band. The band mates travel all over the southeast. He's an inventor. He's a scientist. He's a doctor. Damn he must be busy!!! He never calls, no one's ever met him. He doesn't exist.

Farg is moving to her mansion in East Cobb. Now she's selling that same mansion for a half million, only now it's in Vinings. Guess you can't get half million for a mansion in East Cobb. She actually lives with her girlfriend. Now she lives with a bunch of girls in a apt.

Her roommate makes cakes. Now she owns a Hair club for Men. She's rich! This roommate recently almost died in a carwreck and was in the hospital awaiting surgery. The roommate made a birthday cake the next day. Do they have ovens in hospital rooms now?

Farg loves to talk AND interrupt. When ever you start to say something, she starts talking. Only she's louder and faster.

Farg is a VIP. No matter what you're doing. Talking to a manager, director, God. If you're on a conf call and she needs something, she'll interrupt and and keep asking her quesion . Loudly.

Farg is a big VIP. Going out to lunch? "Would you mind posting these letters for me." I didn't know that there were restuarants at the Post Office? Going to the breakroom? "Would cha bring me a coke? some ice?" If she figures out how someone else can pee for her, she'll pawn that off too.

Farg is a suck up. She is so good at it that her last name sounds like ass kiss. I swear to you, it does. When the boss is in the room, she talks, and talks, and talks. Even if she doesn't have a clue, she'll tell the boss the she is the subject matter expert on this and that. On anything, everything...she knows it all.

Farg loves reports. She gets on the phone and calls people and says things like, "I can get that to you on a spreadsheet." "I can do a report on that." "Really, it's no problem to do a report for you on that." My third grader is better at reports than Farg. But that doesn't deter Farg from slapping it on Excel and sending out to God and everybody to see. If we're not careful, she'll put me and you on a report and email it to someone. Beware.

Farg talks to herself. Whenever someone gives her a sharp look or an annoyed remark, She tells herself (loudly) that she "was just trying to blah blah blah".

Farg has tourrettes syndrome. Poor thing. Whenever you are on the phone, trying to have a private conversation, she blurts out her unwanted (expert) advice. Sometimes, she screams something out for now reason at all. "Nice One!" "Haha, I can't believe that ____ did ____, I just ain't believing this!" She reminds me of Rainman. (Judge Wapner at 6 o'clock!!!)

I use to think I was just a bitch, or losing my mind. Then I started to hear others whispering about Farg. "How irritating..." "What a freaking liar..." "What the hell?" and I knew it wasn't just me. It was Farg.

Poor thing. I think every office needs aleast one Farg. It keeps thing interesting. I wouldn't change her for nothing in the world.

Maw In Law

2005-05-31T11:01:00.000-04:00

So What happen to me? you are asking yourselves....

Well, Maw-in-Law is back in town..... Yep, leave it to an in-law to call you, after you are in bed, but 3 minutes before you are about to get down to biz-ness with her little boy!!! That's exactly how it happened too. (or didn't happen, come to think of it!)

On a Thursday night... the one night of the month when we were going to get lucky...Ring!!!Ring!!! goes the phone. Nothing kills the mood like the voice of your mother, in a hot hurry panic....to book a plane trip ...... to your house.... 3 weeks earlier than originally planned.

Love you Maw-in-Law!!! Thanks for the call!

So she was at her psycho sister's house. (sister = Sybil, 3 Faces of Eve, Angelina Joli in Girl Interrupted..) MIL and sister got into a knock down drag out, so MIL called us and wanted to jet back to our house. No problem, love to have you here...Only I haven't cleaned the house since you left back in February.

So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was spent in a frenzy of cleaning, clearing and organizing!! Even though, MIL has spent every single second since her arrival re-cleaning, re-clearing, and re-organizing, me, again....

On a brighter note!! She is heading back to my Sister-in-law's to re-clean, re-clear, and re-organize her house in 3 weeks. Oh Joy!!

I love having MIL at my house, she's Arabic and I'm Southern, so every sentence we speak ends with "Can you repeat that?". And though we have nothing in common, expect we both love the same guy, (Her boy, my hubby!),we manage to have fun. She is really keeping me on the go. She likes to shop, eat out, and visit places, while I like to lay around, sleep, and do nothing. Guess whose agenda, we follow? Yep, hers!! So you will hear less and less of me the next 3 weeks or so, while I try to work, clean house for a change, entertain MIL, and somewhere in the middle of all that, lay around and do nothing!!!

I'll miss you!

Children of the Corn..

2005-05-16T08:15:00.000-04:00

So Saturday night we are feeling a little sorry for the neighbor, because his wife is not the proud owner of the local Tai Kwon Do (Spelling?) studio and now must spend every waking moment of their life at it, or funding raising for it.

So the wife had organized a "sleep in" to raise money for the studio (This in the same day after she did a carwash AND a yardsale for the same studio) So anyway, we are feeling sorry for the neighbor guy, because wife took off with the 3 older kids and left him with the 2 yr old for the evening. So I invited them over for dinner and a movie.

The neighbor is originally from Michigan, the red neck part. So I thought that I'd give him some good ole home cooking. So I fried up some chicken livers, steamed some cabbage, made pinto beans and cornbread and oh yea potato salad. Evidently people in Michigan never were as poor as us Southerns. He had never had chicken livers before. He was so funny, he said, "People actually eat these as a meal?" He wouldn't touch cornbread or cabbage. Put he did have the potato salad a little bit of beans, so I guess he didn't starve.

His 2 year old on the other hand was in heaven. I swear that kid will eat anything. He was slurping down sweet tea like it was heaven. He was begging his dad for beans (Those have to be rationed because they make for awful messy diapers, per the dad.) and I had also made some noodles for my finicky brats, but the baby was totally enthralled by the noodles. He was slurping those like worms, throwing them on his head, throwing on my son's head, making mustaches out of them, feeding them to the dogs... (The dogs were in heaven too, to find a new "feed me at the table" source!) The baby was just too cute!!

I just love the nieghbor's kids. They are so cool for kids. I think it must be because their parents have tons of patience and take them everywhere they go. I rarely ever hear the mom "snap" (which is something that I am prone to.) and she is always on top of their behavior. So that makes for well behaved kids. Now they do have their moments, but they are few and far between.

I think these little monster's are my training pants for when I have grandkids. I just love them, the come over and entertain me, and when they get on my last nerve, I just open the door and say, "Is that your mom calling? Must be time for you to go home!"

TGIF .. and keep the change

2005-05-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

TGIF - When I was a kid, my mom has a pack a day - box of matches. (so classy..) Wednesday said something like "hump day". Saturday said "Bath Day" and Friday said "TGIF". I used to get the Friday packs and study them for dear life.

What does it mean? What does T-G-I-F stand for? Is this some sort of secret grown up code for something? Could it mean There's Ghosts In Fridge?

Hey I never claimed to be smart!!

Now, I know only too well what TGIF means. It's Friday, the day I live for, the day that I go to bed early so that I can sleep late on Saturday. The day that begins me weekly mini vacation!!

Damn, I need to simmer down, it's only a Friday, not like a national holiday or anything. Whew!

Yesterday I barfed. Now for those that know me well, I am not a barfer. I (unfortunately) retain every morsel that passes my lips. (Usually on my hips!) but I went out to lunch yesterday with a co-worker, had a marvelous feast of Pizza Hut Pizza Bar and salad. Got up to pay, and..... felt it all coming up! Yep, barely made it to the restroom. I felt somewhat better afterwards, and prided myself on becoming a instant bullemic. I actually felt quite slim for the rest of the day.

So by the time I get home from work, I am in a near panic to eat. I was so freaking hungry,,, that I could have eaten the "crotch outta a ragdoll" "the balls of a bear", "the ass of a orangutan",,, well you get the picture. (sorry for being so gross - but these quotes that I hear often from my redneck circle of friends.)

So my lovely hubby has made Lasagna. IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! Ofcourse even though he called to see what time I was coming home from work, so he could have it on the table when I got home... it still wasn't ready when I got home. I was practically hopping to eat. When I finally get to eat, IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! really it was good! So even though I was felling queasy, I had a second helping. Then, even though I couldn't possibly eat another bite..I had a third serving.. Yep, I am a piglet!!

The rest of the night I WAS SO FREAKING SICK!!! to my stomach, AND COULDN'T BARF!! So much for my new found bullemia..

Seriously though, how could someone be bullemic? Crap.. is throwing up fun? Having to clean the toilet off, afterwards a joy! walking around with the taste of barf in your mouth all day orgasmic? I just don't get it. I hate throwing up worse than labor. Might be why have so many damn kids..

Ok - here is my "How not to get a woman to fall in bed with you" hint of the day:

When your woman walks in the door from work, dropping kid off at dance, running to the grocery store, and picking up kid from dance, while you ain't doing nothing at all- and is putting away groceries that YOU did not help carry in, and she has to pee like a racehorse. You must insist that she drop everything, and I do mean everything, to help you move the stupid entertainment center so that you can check the damn cable box of the retarded TV that you ain't even watching. And whatever you do, DO NOT OFFER TO HELP HER PUT AWAY THE GROCERIES even if she tells you that she will help you once the groceries are put away and it will go faster if you help!

This move will work every time you want a women NOT to fall in to bed with you!!

And while I am whing about my hubby, my daughter sent this...

2005-05-11T08:51:00.000-04:00

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

she reads my mind..

Men!! Can't live with 'em, ain't allowed to kill 'em

2005-05-11T08:17:00.000-04:00

My dearest hubby is on break from college. (Will this darn man ever graduate?!?) So he is under the impression that although I get up at the crack of dawn, and disappear all day, that I must not be doing anything, therefore I must wait on him hand and foot, whilst he sits atop his throne and orders me about!! Men are useless..

Sunday, (MOTHER'S DAY!!!) I assembly EVERYTHING needed for the trip to the amusement park. (Food, towels, extra clothes, lawn chairs, kids...) feed the animals, pack the freaking van,etc.. etc.. while he lounges in bed.. Only after everything is packed does he get up and take a long and leisurely shower. Then after the entire family waits in the drive for 15 minutes, out he comes fresh as a daisy!!

Monday, I go to work. He calls me 4 freaking times, BEFORE 9AM!!! because he can't find something (his ass, probably!!) then calls to say, "Nevermind, I found it!". Ofcourse, because I work, I am busy and can't answer the phone. so I call him back and he says, "Where were you?" I swear if I wasn't 40 miles away, I would have just smacked him!! So Monday progresses, and I get home from work. Is dinner ready, I ask you? Heck no!!! He took the car to the mechanic and HUNG OUT AND TALKED TO THE GUY ALL DAY!! Cause that's what my husband does, he doesn't drop anything off to be repaired and then comes back... HECK NO!!! He just hangs out and talks your ears off, while you fix what he brought to you. Does he trust me to have it repaired? A mere woman?!? Heck No!! So I get home, throw dinner together and then have to listen to him whine about how hard his day was.

Later that night he gets in the bed and starts whining about how he needs me to bring him up a bowl of ice cream. OK, no problem. between making sure teeth are brushed, doing laundry, cleaning up the damn dinner dishes from the dinner that I COOKED, AFTER I GOT HOME FROM WORKING ALL DAY, picking up kid from work, feeding animals, chasing down and putting animals in for night, locking up, turning off the 1 million lights all over the house that you and the kids left on, I will be more than happy to get your lazy butt some DARN ICECREAM!!!!

So ofcourse I forgot the ice cream. Does he just let it go?!?!? Heck NO!! He starts with the "You forgot my icecream, WAH!! That's OK. I do stuff all the time for you!, But don't worry about it, that's quite OK, I'll just lay here...hint hint hint!" So instead of hearing his wanking for the next 8 hours, I go get the damn ice cream!!

Tuesday - He takes the other 2 cars for tires. (Yep, I could have just dropped them off, but remember "I'm just a woman!) So he must research every freaking site within a 1,000 mile radious of our house on the internet, to make sure the he's getting the best deal. (Darn!! These things are a dime cheaper per tire in ALA? That's almost a whole dollar!) But aleast he did cook dinner, so I will give him that. Even though he tried to substitute collards for spianch in the dish. (It was yuk!) Ofcourse I told him it was delicious, so that I wouldn't have to hear about how he "slaved" in the kitchen and I didn't appreciate it. Guess who cleared the table? Yep, me..

Then he made me watch "Ole Yeller"with him and the little one! "OLE YELLER" hurls!! It was just as bad this time as the other 7 million times I watched it every freaking Sunday night of my life growing up!!!

So today is Wednesday, he says that he is doing yard work. What he is doing I have no clue. Looks like he has about $200 worth of chemicals to throw out on the yard. We really don't have grass, in the back. It's all weeds, and overgrowth. Our front yard is about the size of my ass, and it looks fine to me. I am sure that this "yard work" (or using the riding mower with his toy hooked to the back to throw out the fertilizer) will take all day, therefore I will need to cook dinner.

It's be nice if he helped with house work, but he has no freaking idea where we even keep the vacuum cleaner, or the mop (even though he passes by it EVERY time he goes out into the garage to worship his mower!)

Do I sound a little bitter? A little jealous that he's on vacation and I'm not? Maybe I need to be medicated.. Or euthanized? Maybe I'm getting my period? Yep, that must be it.

My sister-in-law (married to my brother) was recently telling me how she gets prescription drugs from her doctor. She said to just say to the doctor, "I want to saw my husband's head off, do you have anything to stop that?" Yea, maybe I need to talk to the doctor.. haha

Seriously, I do love my husband and I am the reason he is so aggravating. I think that I marry a man and then set about making him helpless the minute I say, "I do!" so it's all my own fault.

And I wouldn't change anything about him for the world!!

Ice Cream Headache...

2005-05-09T08:50:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, you just play like you're rich!! So this morning to celebrate that my co-worker's back from vacation (yep, I live for the little moments..) I went down stairs to our "Psuedo Starbuck's" and got me a strawberry smoothie for an amzing $3 dollas. *Yep, I said Dollas on purpose, so bite me, already you spell checker nazis.)

So anywho, I have been sucking on this silly thing like a porn queen, and I can't get the darn thing up thru the straw. Damn, I really wanted a ice cream headache. (Strange I know. but I like that feeling.) I can't stir that stupid thing, because it's so thick the straw just wobbles around, and bends. DARNIT, DANGIT!!!

This silly thing cost me a arm and a leg, and now I have to sit here and watch it melt before I can even drink it!!! I COST ME $3 WHOLE DOLLAS, I WANT TO DRINK IT NOW!!!! If you get what you pay forn, then I should've gotten a massage with this silly thing..

Man, I should have had some coffee this morning........

Welcome to Mother's Day!!

2005-05-06T08:34:00.000-04:00

So this weekend is Mother's Day, and like all good redneck moms. I will be taking the kids to the annual MOTHERS DAY AT 6 FLAGS weekend. Yippie..

I actually dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.. I look forward to having the family together, going with the neighbors and hanging out, enjoying their sweet little kids, riding the rides, not waiting in long lines, and the beautiful weather.

But, I really dread, having to get up early on the one day that I could have pulled the "sleeping real late" excuse, packing the cooler, packing the car-while my darling husband is mysteriously MIA during the packing, organizing extra outfits and shoes-just in case (you never know!) hunting down sunscreen, showing my fat white legs in shorts to half the world, listening to kids whining about walking, being tired, being hot, being thirsty, being too short to ride certain riders, too scared to ride other rides, etc..

But then when the day is over, and we're back at home all happy and sunburned, I think, "What a great day, I can't wait til next year.."

On an other note... I took the girls to Target last night to pick out some cards and whatnot, and the little one saw my boy manning the cash register (He's so HANDSOME in the red shirt and khakis!!) she was thrilled to death!! So she stood behind him at his register and made silly faces while he tried to look all "hey I'm cool and business like". Instead of thumping her on the head or threatening her with razzberry boogers, he started talking to her. They talked about what they got me for Mother's Day.

A little while later she comes running over to me saying, "Na na na na, I know what he got you for Mother's Day, and I ain't telling."

So like any good mother, I told her that I would beat it out of her later. She was just so thrilled that big brother acknowledged her in public and was actually nice and cool to her.

I was so thrilled also. . . I live for moments when my kids show each other love.

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me!!!

2005-05-05T16:48:00.000-04:00

I was wrong... and I just can't live without you!!

I miss the 80's so badly.

Where else can you....

proudly wear leggings!

wear a old holey T-shirt and look like a Flash Dancer.

get your hair permed until it's absolutely fried and say, "I meant it to turn out that way!"

wear jeans that are so tight, you have to lay down on the bed, and use a fork to zip them up.

wear a pair of jeans from K-Mart that has a Willie Nelson slogan on that back pocket.

give a guy a hickey and not be accused of being a slut.

wear really dark blue eye shadow and not be accused of being a crack ho.

wear a mullet proudly.

sport a rat tail.

smoke a cig...ANY WHERE you want!!

wear a huge belt and cowboy boots and not look like a Texan

wear huge shoulder pads (SOO slimming!)

wear lots of ruffles

rock out to heavy metal bands without shame!

ahhh the good old days....

Some people really suck!

2005-05-03T08:53:00.000-04:00

So I see my neighbor out pushing a stroller the other day. Since she doesn't have a kid small enough to fit in the stroller, AND i know that's she's been looking to foster-to-adopt a kid, (and I think maybe she might have kidnapped a kid - and there's a reward for me to find it..) I go out and do the neighborly and nosey thing. I go out and - check out the new baby!!

So we are out in the cul-de-sac, and she has the cutest little kid out there, laying in the stroller. Sure enough, she's fostering the little dollbaby. The baby is only 3 months old, and is laying out in the stroller just being a perfect little angel.

Then she whips back the blanket to reveal that cutey-pie is sporting a body cast from his upper chest to his toes!. So being the clueless one that I am, I say, "What's up with that, is it pigeon-toed, got bow-legs?"

"No", she says, "he actually has 3 broken bones in his legs."

Seems he was dropped off at the hospital with this injury and another injury that happens when you slap a baby really hard in the face. When the hospital started asking questions, the people who brought her/him to the hospital simply faded away.

How is it that this happens!! I find it awful that we dedicate so much news time to some ditz who runs away from home 4 days before her wedding, but we have little babies in this same city who are being abused to the edge of death, and we never hear about it? I am sure that is this poor baby had dies from the injuries, we might have heard a 30 second news blurp on what happened, or read about it on page 14 of the news paper! But crap! let the kid grow up and run off to Vegas for the weekend and WHOA STOP THE PRESSES!!

Amazing! In this last year, I have seen a baby born so addicted to herion, that it was on methadone every 2 hours for months, while the stupid mother claimed it was only gas. I met a toddler that was "seized" during a drug bust, that baby later tested positive for drugs. I know a kid who almost died of starvation while his mom hung out at the Waffle House trying to turn tricks so that she could get a hotel room to get her child out of the winter weather.

Did we read about any of this on the news? No we didn't. We were too busy with the "Runaway Bride"!

Isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

2005-04-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

Isn't it ironic - that since our Oil Rich Texan president (that I voted for) has been in office, that gas prices have risen by 50% ??

Isn't it ironic - that the price of eggs has not?

Isn't it ironic - that we're always on a damn diet, and America is fatter than ever?

Isn't it ironic - that some poor girl in Atlanta disappears 4 days before her wedding AND 600 people have RSVP'd? (Honey - I hope they find you safe and sound somewhere.)

Isn't it ironic - That a highschool in Boston is censoring music at an upcoming prom, but no one is addressing the fact that probably half the girls will show up at the prom dressed like porn stars?

Isn't it ironic - that Brad Pitt dumped Gwynth for "earthy girl" Jenn, then dumped Jenn for "nasty girl" Angelina? What's next Brad? Roseanne?

Isn't it ironic - that people in Clayton county GA are flipping out because some poor girl got murdered at a birthday party and are blaming it on school violence? (Don't ya think it might have been something to do with the fact that there were 250 un-supervised teenagers at the party - which was held at someone's home?)

Isn't it ironic - that it's Friday and because I work, I have 2 days worth of laundry, housecleaning and grocery shopping to get done?

Isn't it ironic??

Kids,,,

2005-04-26T14:20:00.000-04:00

So my little one (brilliant 8 yr old) is getting dressed for school as I am running out the door to work. I ask her what shirt she picked out. She says, "I'mm wearing the Iceland t-shirt."

I kinda pause and wonder, "Where did she get a t-shirt from Iceland"?

So I said, "You mean the Artic Bunny t-shirt"?

Her: "No the Iceland t-shirt".

Hmm.. I wonder. "Let me see it please."

"Oh the Island t-shirt"!!! "The S is silent in the Island, huneybuney"!!

That's my girl!!

Charity Auction!! Today Only!

2005-04-20T13:11:00.000-04:00

Today only, I'll be holding a charity auction to support a cause near and dear to my heart. It's the fight against cellulite. Ok, so it's really not that near my heart, but I, like billions of sufferers, across the earth have been afflicted with this terrible disease.

So here's a list of the items that I will be auctioning off today to support this honorable cause. The auction will be for today only, and all bids start at $1. The highest bidder at the end of the day, will be announced and will IMMEDIATELY recieve their spectacular prizes!

1.) A Christmas Card signed by Elves! - So, you say " You Ain't Nuthin but a Hound Dog", but you'd like to be a "Hunka Hunka Burnin Love"! Then this is the the MUST HAVE card for you!! Yes folks, it's the genuine article!! A Christmas card signed by Elves! So what if it's spelled with an e and not an i, just wave it around quickly in front of your friends faces and then lock it in a drawer. They'll never SEE the difference!! Stand back and watch as they swoon with envy!!

2.) A Picture of Buddha!! - OK, it's really a picture of my husband, but lots of people say he looks exactly like Buddha. Having this picture prominently displayed in your work space or home is sure to bring years good luck and great fortune. (I 'm also willing to throw in genuine article to the highest bidder, for an additional $100. If you are constantly pestered by that friend/co-worker/ significant other who seems to ALWAYS be your in way, then "The Buddha" is just the thing for you!!! Watch as he magically disappears at the 1st sign of housework, yardwork or cranky children!! Be AMAZED to see him VAPORIZE into thin air upon hearing phrases such as, "Does this outfit make me look fat?", "Let's Cuddle." and "Can you help me carry in the groceries?"!!!!! But don't worry, when you're ready for your new best friend/co-worker/significant other to re-appear, all you have to say is, "Dinner's on the table!", "I didn't know the Dolphins were playing today?", or "Oh, is that the last Twinkie?" and he'll re-appear in a FLASH!!

3.) Advertising Space on My Right Palm. - Yep, you heard it right folks!! Actually advertising space on my entire right palm until the ink wears off. I promise to prominently display your ad to anyone who walks up to me, through out the entire day!! AND, I'll keep your ad on my palm til I wash my hands or the ink wears off!!! (ad must be in good taste AND you must supply your own Sharpie to write on my palm)

4.) Paper Papal Pope Hat! (say that really fast 3 times!) - Must see to believe!!! Be the 1st (and only) one in your neighborhood to wear a hat just like the Pope's!! With this hat, all your friends, and enemies are sure to stop you to kiss your hand, AND ask for your blessings and forgiveness all throughout the entire day!! You're sure to grab attention around the office with the marvelous hat!

5.) And lastly!! THIS IS A GROUND FLOOR OPPORTUNITY!!!! So, get it while you can!! It's my Daughter's STRAIGHT A REPORT CARD!!! Imagine the possibilities!! Even though she's only 8, I'm certainly convinced that with grades like these, my little princess is destined to become the FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.!!! Move over Condolezza, my baby's got it in the bag!! Just think, you can buy this report card for small change, yet it could be worth millions in about 50 years from now!!!! OR proudly display this report card at your next family gathering, and watch as your relatives hang their heads in shame,(and caste withering looks at their own useless kids!) as you regal and entertain them with the "Amazing Adventures of your Perfect Imaginary Child!!! All this without the expense and hassle of a wedding and childbirth!!!

Remember this supports a good cause and all proceeds will go toward the purchase of lo-carb snacks for over-nourished people!!

So bid often and bid high, if you want to win!

Yard Work... definitely not for sissies.

2005-04-18T12:01:00.000-04:00

My huney is both brilliant and terribly lazy. We have lived in our house for almost 4 years now and I have noticed that every year, the yard just tends to get smaller and smaller.

How does this happen? Glad you asked. See the back part of our lot is wooded. So is one side. The side that we share with our favorite neighbors. They are probably our favorite neighbors because we have a tropical rain forest growing between our houses.

So, every year instead of mowing up close to the woods and rainforest, my darling husband just "forgets" to mow the 3 ft closest to these areas. Thus, our yard is 9 to 12 ft smaller than when we first moved in. Now I was suspious about this, but when I decided to plant a little garden near the woods area, it soon became apparent that my husband was up to an evil plan...

I planted my garden about 6 feet from the woods, about 2 weeks before mowing season started this year. So a couple of weeks later, my huuney goes out and mows the yard, and "Viola", he doesn't mow behind the garden! So now our woods just ate 6 more feet of the yard! I asked him about this and he said." I can't get the lawn mower back there. So just to prove my point, "I go out and weedeat the back 12. (feet closet to the woods and rainforest) and I ask him again, (this time in front of our neighbor, all of us standing by the windows overlooking the woods.) "Why can't you mow behind the garden?"

"I can't get back there." This sends my neighbor into a fit of "soda thru your nose" giggles. (Me too!) And we start commenting on all the things that we can fit thru the space between the garden and woods. A Jeep, A transfer truck, a marching band, a third world country...

So we'll just have to see, what all he mows next time.

Later that day, I decide to tackle the rainforest between the houses. The rainforest is known as "No Man's Land" in our cul de sac. It was designed and installed by some blind, drunk, hack from county services before we moved in. No Man's Land is situated on a down hill slope from the cul de sac and is suppose to serve as a place for rainwater to run off from the cul de sac. There is even a very impressive manhole and drain at the top of the hill in the cul de sac. This is the only impressive part. When you walk down the slope you will see that that drain ends about half way down our properties and the drain empties out into a rock pile , then No Man's Land, which consists of overgrown brush, trees and awful amounts of briars. The neigborhood kids have lost many a ball down the drain, and into No Man's Land. Every once in a while, you'll see a kid down there screaming his lungs out, because he made the fatal mistake of going after a basketball and has become entangled in the briars. I personally have battle No Man's Land many atime to save my little darling's life...

So anyway, seeing that my industrious huney was never going to get around to trimming back No Man's Land, and thinking that we have about a billion dollars worth of basketballs down there, I decided to tackle the mess myself. My tools of destruction were the weedeater, a hedgetrimmer and a dry wall saw. After 3 hours time, I managed to clear a path about 12 feet wide and 10 feet long. I found a red ball, a wiffle ball, a football, and the neighbors secret dirt bike trail. I piled all the brush in a heap at the edge of the yard and had a pile of brush about the size of our guest bedroom. I was quite proud of myself.

I found 2 Mimosa trees in the mess, and decided that I would keep the mimosas in the ground, because they are just about my favorite tree. The only trouble was that, I had this ugly old witchy looking tree that looked about petrified, growing practically on top of one of my Mimosa's.
So I spent about a half an hour trying to saw that crazy tree down with my dry wall saw. I had already sawed about a dozen trees down, so I know that this tree was definitely on some kind of tree steriods.

Finally the next day, the neighbor had to come over with his chain saw and saw that sucker down. His chain saw barely would cut it, and the poor neighbor was just a sweating, and a cussin up a storm. It took about 15 minutes to saw it down. I was so happy!!!

Later that day I began to clear the back part of No Man's Land. This was the worst ordeal of my live. I would rather have my arms and legs chewed off by rats than have to do this again. The back part was just full briars. As I cleared it off, I had to wonder about the first suckers who came to America, and what they thought about the briars as they were trying to clear thier lands, way back when.

Now the briars in No Man's Land are also on steriods. Most of them are more than 9 feet high, and grow on a single stalk. So the briars are basically shaped like a whip, and have the same flex (Not that I'm a expert on whips, mind you!) The only way to cut down the briars were to saw thru them with the drywall saw. I was wearing shorts, big mistake! I had gardening gloves that I paid a dollar for from Target, even bigger mistake!! Every inch of the stalk had briars all over it, so when you are sawing thru the briar it's cutting your hand like a slice of bologna. Once the briar stalk is sawed thru, then you have to pull it from the rest of the man eating plants that are intertwined in the briars. Once the briar stalk is frre, it whips around and inbeds its selve into various parts of your body. Like the back of your leg, your arm, the front of your leg, etc...etc..

So now, I look like I have been in a fight with a bag full of mad cats. After 3 hours of torture, and 1 basketball, 1 soccer ball and a orange hand ball, I finally gave up working in the yard because I was dripping blood from my wounds and attracting flies.

As in the words of our dear Scarlett, "As God is my witness!" "I will conquer No Man's Land!!! Maybe next weekend. So, do me a favor, if I never blog on here again,. would you kindly send a search party out to No Man's Land. Maybe you can even get National Geographic to sponser the trip.......It's that bad!!

The Notebook / A Movie Review

2005-04-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

So the movie "The Notebook" is now on DVD. I have heard about this movie since last summer. "Oh, it's the best movie ever!" "I cried my eyes out!" "I saw it 5 times" all these comments were made by young twenty something females.

OK, so I rent the movie and sat down to watch it while the little darlings were at church. I saw about an hour of it, and had to turn it off to go pick up the chillens. So when I got them back home, I asked them if they'd like to also see this movie. They assume that anything on DVD is the best movie ever, so ofcourse they agreed to watch it with me.

I really liked the first hour of the movie. Guy meets Girl. Guy is instantly smitten by Girl. Girl then falls in love with Guy. Life/Parents/Money come between Guy and Girl. So I am watching with the kids, we ain't saying much about what's going on til the sex scene starts up. This is the time when I say the standard, "Sex outside of marriage is BAD!" and "Close your eyes, I'll tell you when you can open them." (Then I usually forgot to tell them to open them, just for meaness.)

Now, I am not going to give away the ending, except to say that even though this is suppose to be some kind of shocker when the story all comes together at the end, I had it all figured out about 30 minutes into the movie. The ending is suppose to be so "touching" that water will pour out of your eyes, until you are knee deep in tears. This didn't happen for me...

Both my daughter and niece (both in their early twenties and both never "seriously" in a relationship, but typical Harlenquin Romance Girls.) just went on and on about that a tear jerker this movie is, and how wonderful it was. When the movie goes off, I look over at the 15 and 16 year olds, and ask them what they thought. They both thought the movie was pretty lame, just like I did.

Now I am worried that they both are either jaded or don't have hearts. (Like me, but I am excused because I am a old lady, and I've seen all, so I am immune!)

I guess time will tell with those two...but in the meantime, I am glad to know that there not saps.

Terri Shiavo and The Pope

2005-03-31T09:19:00.000-05:00

I gotta weigh in on this one. (Not that my opinions are worth a plug nickle!) One the one hand, we have a poor middle-aged bedridden person, who can't speak her mind on what she wants, and is being starved to death. On the other hand, we have a man who is older than dirt, and somewhat aware, being forcefeed by a feeding tube.

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??!!

I wonder is anyone had a conversation with the Pope before he got the hook up? "Hey, you're looking a little thin, and we need you back at work...?"

Seriously though, since learning of both these news worthy stories, I've been flip flopping back and forth, with the "what would I do, if it were me " issue.

I have to ask the question, why is the Pope worthy of a feeding tube, but not Terri S? He's obviously suffering, she obviously isn't (or wasn't before they pulled the plug!) From the looks of things, they've both been practically vegetables for years. Sure, the Pope can hold his head up by himself, but did you ever notice, they HE can't even operate his own electric chair? Have you ever REALLY seen him move anything lately?

If it were my loved one, what would I do? Well, I guess I'd have to say that it would depend on where I fall in the family chain.

If the Pope was my Dad, or Granddad (all you Catholics would be terribly upset and shocked!) I think that I would try to get his opinion on what he wanted to do. (I seriously doubt that anyone has asked his opinion on this matter!) Then, I'd carry out his wishes. NOW, if I were his Mom, (no, not that Mom, the biological mom!) I'd stick that feeding tube in, and fill it up with steaks, and shakes til he fattened up like a little piglet, whether he wanted it or not!

Now about Terri Shiavo. If I were her husband, I'd ofcourse want to follow her wishes. BUT, if I were her mom, I'd once again, keep that tube in, feed her steaks,shakes and chocolate (cause everyone knows that we women LOVE our chocolates!) til she just about popped, not caring one little bit what she thought her wishes would have been, because everyone knows that Mother knows Best!

So that's the truth, I think that everyone's right. I think that the Pope is being tortured, by being forcefed, but who am I to say what's right for him. I think that Terri Schiave is being starved and tortured, but I am not her parent's or husband. I just wonder why her life is valued so differently than the Pope's. I think that when all is said and done, that she will have made just as a big an impact on so many people as the Pope has.

I think that it's stupid that she and her husband didn't not have a living will. But heck, I know completely what me husband's wishes are if he is ever in that condition, and WE don't have living wills drawn up! (Guess, we're stupid too.) I also know that if something happens to him, that his mom would do eveything in her power to keep him alive, while I would do everything in MY power to help him die, because he told me that was what he would want. Do you see that vicious circle here?....

And just so you all know, if something happens to me, I lied. I told the honey and kids that I'd want to be kept alive no matter what just to torture them forever. I also told the kids, that the meanest, most useless kid would be designated as my caretaker, so that he or she would have to spend the rest of his or her, and my life with me in a hospital bed, parked in front of the living room picutre window, hooked up to car batteries. Also that I expected my awful little child to keep me fed, dressed cute, and changed regular for pay back for all the awful things that he or she had put me though. Also that my presence would be a constant deterrent to my kid and keep them from having a social life, just like they have kept me from having a social life, due to all the times I have had to go down to the school because they were bad, and all the times that I missed out on fun stuff because I was having to hunt them down to do their homework/clean their room/take a bath/come in for dinnner.

Well like I said, I lied. If I am truly incapitated, kill me. If I am suffering, help me die. Don't let time be my enemy, make it quick. Please don't starve me, because you know I could never starve you. Just be a sweetie, make me a little pudding with enough drugs to stop the heart of an elephant, and I'll be sure to put in a good word for you in heaven..... when I get there.

Spring has sprung, and I can't breathe

2005-03-30T15:44:00.000-05:00

Evidently the weather people are over the pollen. I remember years past when the nice weather people on Channel 2 (the best news channel ever.) would talk about pollen season like it was a tornado warning.

"The CDC reports that the pollen count today in at 2000. That's means that if you have allergies you must stay inside. You must not leave your house. If you leave your house or open your window, you will immediately be covered in pollen, and you will die........immediately. But (bright smile here) all the flowers and trees are in bloom and their just gorgeous so try and get out and enjoy this beautiful spring day if you can!"

I always enjoyed "Pollen Season" or Spring as I used to call it, until this year. This year, I just want to die. My sinus cavity feels like the dead sea. Whenever I talk to someone, I can feel the "sea" starting to leak out of my head. If I stand still and stick my fingers in my ears, I can hear the ocean. When I breathe in, (through my mouth ofcourse, the only thing on my head that will now take in oxygen, it feels like I am trying to breath big yellow sponge into my dead sea.

I wish I had invested in stock Pfizer, because I have made them all filthy rich by purchasing every Sudafed tablet every made in 2004 and 2005. CVS recently had a sale on Sudafed, I bought 'em out. Now sure, I could go to the Doctor, but what fun is that? He'd just load me down with medication that has all those, "This medication makes you drowsy." "Don't take this medication with alcohol." and all those other dire warnings that everyone ignores, then wishes that they didn't.

And anyway what would I complain about if I wasn't dying of pollenation?? When I was a kid, my mom told me that pollen makes your boobs grow (She said that about everything.) so I guess I'll just keep suffering and hope for the best!!

Hell just opened a new attraction....

2005-03-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

....it's called "The Skating Rink". Yeah, so I went there when I was much much younger, but my o my pudding and pie, how times have changed!

My husband overheard our darlin' 15 yr old neice plotting via the phone to meet a boy at the skating ring. So my adoring honey felt obligated to email me with this info at work. So, being the tricky oldlady that I am, I immediately phoned home, (Yep,she was still on the phone with the little perpertrator) and informed her that I work for the phone company and we can monitor any conversation that we want from my office. (It's true, we probably could if we wanted to, but the goverment won't let us, and I didn't technically say that I was monitoring THAT particular conversation...so I didn't lie) And I asked her what's all this stuff about "meeting up"at the skating ring......Total Dead Silence on her end, then ....."Uh, Uh, Uh, well...." and for some odd strange moment, I said those words that I will forever regret....

"Well, I guess since I can't trust you, I'll have to go to the skating ring with you tonight!" I swear, I must truly have tourettes syndrome!

So I hang up, leave work, and all I can think about all the way home is,"Why!?!?! Why!?!?!

I get home, and then ask the 8 yr old if she would also like to go. Well, duh!! Ofcourse she would! Then somehow, next thing I know, I am inviting along the neighbor's kid. (Which is OK because she has 3 younger brothers, so she is a naturaly babysitter, and keeps my kid entertained for the most part!)

So we all load up and go skating. Whee!! Well, I didn't actually skate, I was just there...Like a knot on a log...watching the paint dry.... like a deer in the headlights...

The minute we walk thru the door, everyone immediately scatters in opposite directions. Since, I only have 2 eyes, with 3 girls to watch, I was at a lose. So I take my big hiney over to the tables and set down. Just when I have my nose good and deep in a book, over comes the younger 2 with their skates... "Whah! We can't get our skates on!" So I unlace, shove feet into stinky skates and then relace for a full 10 minutes. I now know how that poor footman felt in the Cinderella story! (I repeated this exercise 3 more times with them this evening, unlace, shove, relace..)

Once, the skates are on, off they go!! Finally, back to my book. About this time, I see a gaggle of hoodlums of in the corner, and guess who's holding court with 'em? You guessed it! My big girl! Geez, about this time, she sees me looking real "crazy eyed" over at her, and skates over and announces that "It's hot in here!" and whips off her jacket to reveal a tight tight low necked spagetti strap shirt underneath. I tell her to pull up the front so her boobies don't fall out, and off she sails on her skates again. (I really must learn to check outfits before we leave the house!)

At about this time, over comes my 8 year old to whine. Man! Something about the skating rink brings out the worst in that dang kid! "Whah! I can't skate fast, Whah! I fell down, Whah! I'm thirsty, Whah! Whah! Whah! AND did I mention world class tattle tailing!?! Anyway, after about 5 minutes of her, I simply shouted, "Shush!! you!! Be gone!!!"

Back to my fricking book!! Have you ever tried to read a book in the skating rink? With strobe lights, disco balls, loud thumping music and 500 kids bumping into your fricking table even though the little wretches have an aisle as wide as a barn to pass through? I swear, I have no idea why darn kids have to touch everything!! Everytime they passed my table, they'd grab the chair or the fricking table. So I moved off into the corner, in fact I moved 3 times, with the same results at every table...

I finally gave up on the book, and started actually trying to figure out where my girls were. It's amazing how many hiding places there are at the skating rink! Even though it's one huge room! I walked around, lugging my big ole' granny purse, sticking out like a sore thumb, (If you were there, yes I was that old lady wearing the Jesus VBS shirt, toting the big black doctor's bag. When did I get so darn old?) and I'd run across them at the most random spots....setting at a video game (even though they didn't have any money, and there was a line of people waiting to get on the same game), standing in the corner with other people their age, all desperately trying to look cool, and ignore each other, while standing close enough to each other to look like their all friends with each other.

We were at the skating rink for a total of 3 hours tonight, and I think that each one of my girls spend a total of 10 minutes each skating, and it cost 33 bucks for me to get them in. I'd would have had a much better deal, if I'd ditched them all, and took that money to go get my nails done!! Don't you agree!

Well I guess that I'll go nighty night for now, while I dream of skating rinks that still do the Hokey Pokey, sell beer and don't allow kids...

Some guys just don't get it....

2005-03-23T14:57:00.000-05:00

Soooo, now that I have a new computer, (Thanks, Phone Company!) I am back!!

The other day, I saw a guy who reminded me of a guy I used to know. Now I ain't one to mention names, (David) but let me tell you about this smoooooth operator.

I remarried about 4 years ago, but before my marriage, I enjoyed the glorious life of a single girl. There was this guy that I had met at one of my many past jobs, who had kept in touch with me throughout the demise of my last marriage and my single years. He acted like such a nice guy. When I first met him, we worked at a LD company. He was in sales, I was in sales support. He was such a nice, professional, courteous gentleman. (Think - snake in the henhouse!) Whenever the girls had a little night out at the bars, he'd chaperone. When we'd had a little too much to drink, there he was offering to drive us home. Drink glass empty? Here's another drink from good ole' David.

He was a basically a nice looking guy, but totally not my type. So there was never any attraction on my part, nor did I feel that he might have had the hots for me! (He's about 6 inches shorter than me and dainty, I'd be afraid that I'd break him in half, if I jumped his bones.)

I used to feel sorry for him, because he was always moaning and groaning about how he had to sell something, because he was having to pay his ex-wife a ton a alimony, AND he was also paying a ton in child support to his child with this chickie.. He was so broke that he had to live at his parent's, and he could barely scrape by. Poor sweet guy!!

Well, he kept this game up for a couple of years. We both changed jobs, but still kept in touch. I was his shoulder to cry on, and I knew that if I ever needed a free taxi, he'd be there. Sweet as pie, he was..

So one night out of the blue, he calls me at my house. He says that he is dog/house setting for a friend nearby, and wouldn't it be great if he dropped by my place, and we'd shoot the breeze for a while. I was happy to hear from him, but my kids were at home, and I have a HUGE rule about mixing men and kids. But then I thought, this nice sweet guy, and he IS just a really good friend.

So idiot me, says "Sure you can drop by for a bit, but it is a school night and my boys are both at home, but sure you can come by and visit for a minute." Can you see the words SUCKER written across my forehead?

So he came over (way later than he was suppose to), at about the time that I was going to bed, so I could get up the next morning and go into the office. But, the kids were already in bed, Thank the Lord! So here he comes, toting a bottle of wine. (Nice!) He says that he'll just stay for a glass or two. "Cool" I think, he'll be gone in an hour or less!

Hahahaha, did I say that I was a sucker? Oh yeah, he drunk all the wine he brought, all the wine I had in the house, found some beer in his car, and he drunk that too. Heck, I wouldn't have been surprised to have seen him working on the toilet cleaner. So about 2 hours later, near midnight he annouces that he is drunk and that he's afraid to drive the half mile over to the house that he's staying at.

"Uh- I thought you were also dog sitting", I thought. So he asked me if he could stay the night and that he conveniently has his office suit out in his car, because he just picked it up from the drycleaners. (Oh, it gets better from here!) So reluctantly, very reluctantly, I say that he can stay in the guest room. He seems fine with that.

So he goes out to his car and bring in his suit and his ho-bag (that's a bag that you pack when you know ahead of time that you'll be staying at someone's house for sex - in case you didn't know!) I didn't realize that it was a ho-bag til later. I show him the guest room and the bathroom, and tell him goodnight, and to make himself at home. Then I drag my tired ass off to bed. I was so fricking tired. I took off my make-up, brushed my fangs, and slipped into my favorite ratty looking PJ's. (Far far from sexy!)

About the time, that I was drifting off, I hear a little knock, so I say, "Come in." and guess who standing there in his underpants?!?!? You gotta it! Good ole' David! Now the underpants were not normal, the were actually kind of cute, and could have passed for "wearing in public" shorts. And I noticed that his nipples were pierced (Ladies - This is the BIG warning factor that I missed.) He gets this mopey look on his face, and says that he just really feels like talking and that I am so easy to talk to, can he come in? So I tell him that it's late and I gotta get up early for work tomorrow. . . He starts looking teary eyed, and hangs his head like a little kid. So dummy me, sets up in bed, and he comes over and sits on the edge of the bed.

He starts out telling me how so many girls have done him wrong, the he progresses onto how one girl he knows, is totally in love with him, and hey by the way! he took her to a "couples" club and they made out with a married couple. Next, he talks about how he loves to go to these joints, but he just can't find a girl to go with him. I am so clueless and tired that I am missing these totally lame hints. Meanwhile he keeps asking me to use my bathroom (of the master bath.) Everytime he disappears in there, I start racking my brain trying to figure out how to get rid of his ass with out hurting his feelings.

So after a bit of him talking on and on about only God knows what, because I am half asleep and trying to steer the conversation out of the gutter. He grabs one of my fancy ruflfled, not for sleeping on, pillows and hugs it to his chest. Then he lays it in his lap. Meanwhile I am in shock because here he is, sitting on my damn bed after midnight, pissing and moaning about life, AND manhandling my good pillow!

Next thing I know, he's back to talking about the "couples club" and asking me if I had ever been to one. About this time, I notice my "good" pillow starting to bounce up and down in his lap. OK, now I've had it! (You can irritate me to death, drink all my wine, deprive me of my sleep, but keep your damn paws off my good pillows!) I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" He looks at me like I am outta of my mind for even asking and says, "Somethings, when I snort coke, I have to play with it to keep it hard." He was calm as could be. Then he offered to share his "wonderful" coke with me. Well I lost it then, I told him that he needed to get the hell out, and started herding him to the door. Grabbing his coke, suit and ho-bag, and shoving him, and them out the door and locking it.

Looking back on the incident, I know that I should have seen the warning signs, and that I am sometimes clueless when it comes to bad people. And I wonder why, if he wanted to sleep with me, he didn't just come right out and say it like normal guys do. (Hey, you're hot, let's screw! )

Lastly, he is living proof that people who don't live like God intends, will never know His blessings! That is why his life was so miserable. I hate to get up on the pulpit and I am FAR FAR from perfect, but I really feel the need to point this out in relation to this story.

Well guess you've all had about a belly full of me by now, so I am out! for now...

Slacker Blog Chick strikes at last!!

2005-03-09T19:22:00.000-05:00

So I started my new job. Love It!! But I still don't have a computer, so I am trying to use Hubby's piece of crappola that doesn't have a freakingspacebardammit!! Anyway, I wanted to share the terrible new with you all.

My ditzy neice wants me to take her for her learner's licenses. This is the poor child who falls UP the stairs atleast once a week. She has chipped about every dish in the house from"helping me" in the kitchen. If you live on the West side of Atlanta, be afraid, be VERY afraid.....

A posting...atlast!!

2005-03-04T12:21:00.000-05:00

Where have you been little Chickie?? You are all asking. Well, let me tell you some JUICY JUICY news. Some of you dear people may remember about 2 months ago, I interviewed for a job in front of about 7 or 8 people wearing my push up bra. (Remember??Me neither..) Anyway, thought I'd made an ass of myself, but THEY HIRED ME!!! YIPPIE YA YI YO!! It's with the "Phone Company", hint hint wink wink.. I am so very happy, 10K a year more, and bye bye to my old boss "Head Thumper" So, I laid out of work on Tuesday (Which I never ever do!) with one of my "imaginary southern magnolia fainting spell migraines" and got the final word that day. So I dragged my happy ass in on Wednesday, typed up a resignation, and told the boss, "Love ya, behave, and buh bye".

He asked why I was leaving and like the yellow bellied coward that I am, I said, "Oh more money, better benefits, better hours, etc.." instead of saying,"Because my forehead seems to be the favorite target of your booger infected fingers, you pompous ass hole!!" I know that they all (management) knew something was up because the big boss (Who thinks I hung the moon!) called and wanted to know the "real reason" why I quit. I told him the same thing. I was just so grateful to get the crap outta there, and I don't think I should burn any bridges. Heck, I've already burn so many in my life, that you can see them all over the world on Satellite!!

So I start at the "Phone Company"on Monday, doing what I was made for!! I am one happy camper! Funny thing, Bad Hair Elvis(coworker), when he found out grabbed me and hugged me hard (yuck!) and said, "Get me outta here!" I was starting to think he was ok and amusing at the end. I guess hardship brings people closer.

So starting Monday, I will be sitting downtown in a shiny new building, happy as a clam. Whatever will I bitch about now???!!!

Sorry that after a week, that this posting is short and weak, but I am forced to use hubby's, groody computer with the broken space bar on the keyboard. It's just too damn painful to type a sentence, then having to back up and pound the spacebar like a sledgehammer to seperate my words.

So,untilIgetabettercomputersituation,solong,andloveyouall!!

Who stole my weekend!!!

2005-02-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

So last week was "Winter Break" for the kids in our fine county. What the hell is "Winter Break"? Like we're all rich and can afford to go to Aspen to ski with Bunny and Biff for the week?

Luckily for me, all my little angels have different daddies (as before you get any ideas and start calling me harlot, different mommies too!) so the older 2 decided to take off to spend the week with their worthless, ain't got real jobs, daddies. (Not that I am judging or anything!) So big boy ran off on Tuesday, right after I told him that I expected him to vacuum and dust the entire house, and right before he actually did it! And big girl took off on Thursday afternoon, AFTER she had completed her chores for the week. (GOOD GIRL!)

So that left us with the little one (8 yrs old) to entertain. Unfortunately, her daddy lives at our house (as my hapless Hubby!), and her mother in mostly invisible so she got stuck with us, the old farts, for the remainder of the week! Well, we didn't have any means of babysitters (what with our indentured servants on vacation with their daddies) so Hubby had to take little one to college with him one day. (Daddy had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb..) Well, she absolutely loved it!!! And she even knew the answer to one of the questions that the teacher threw out to the class. So now she's all hard core to finish up with 3rd grade as quick as possible so she's can get one grade closer to college!!

We had a nice, boring time this weekend. I took little one and one of her girlfriends to see the "On Account of Winn Dixie" movie. I highly recommend it if you have a child 5th grade and under.

Nothing else much happened except the husband was sick with a cold all weekend, and he turns every little illness into a major production. So it was entertaining to watch him dramatize about his latest "near death" experience.

One funny note, he was walking out of the bathroom and as I walked by, so I yelled out, "Boo!" He grabbed his heart and leaned into the doorway, and looked like he was going to pass out on the spot. This kinda made me nervous knowing that he's suppose to be the big brave strong one, in case an intruder ever broke into the house!

Pope a licious!!

2005-02-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or have you also noticed that the Pope never takes a vacation.!Now I am not a Cath-o-lick or anything, but I do go to church. My Pastor is from Arkansas, and once a year we pack him and the family up and send them home for a little R & R. Our Pastor is also into fishing and scuba diving (not very preacherly! but he is) so we also like to send him to the water once a year to do a little fishing and diving. Then the Pastor comes back after a week, refreshed and loaded down with pictures of all the fun he and the wife had during their little vacation. We (the church) loves when the pastor comes back from vacation, cause he's all smiles, and he has about a million great stories to tell in church. Not just any story mind you, as our Pastor is a master "yarn weaver". We love his stories because he manages to weave the Word into every day life for us, and we see how to apply Faith into our everyday lives.

But have you ever noticed..... that the Pope NEVER takes a vacation?!? Have you ever seen a picture of the Pope in swim trunks, setting on the beach, holding a Daiquiri? Nope. Bet not. Have you ever seen the Pope fishing? Scuba Diving? Riding a horse, wearing chaps? Nope!! See Cath-o-lick People, that's why your Pope is sick. That's why your Pope has been bitching about your lack of faith for the last 30 years! That's why he always looks like he just sucked on a lemon. That's why he's in the hospital AGAIN! Because you guys NEVER EVER give him a vacation.

Here's a suggestion, book him in a Sandal's Resort on some island IMMEDIATELY. Or better yet, get him on the next Disney Cruise leaving Cape Canaveral!! Or, how about a week at a Dude ranch! (Ofcourse, you'll have to get him outta that dress and into some Levis.)

I feel really bad for the poor Pope, he's older than dirt, and he's still working!! What is he, like in his 80's?!? For heavens sakes, leave the poor man alone, and let him retire! I think that being a Pope is alot like joining a Gang. You get jumped in, and if you survive, then you're in the 'Pope gang' until you die. That kinda sucks. Take the Pope before this one for instance. He got jumped in and died like a month later. I can just imagine all those Cardinals with the last Pope laying on the floor, while they kicked the crap outta of the poor guy screaming, "You talking to me? I know you ain't talking to me?!?!" That's what really happened to the Pope before this one.

And anyway, don't you think that the the name John Paul is just about wore out! I say it's time for a Pope Steve, or a Pope Ryan, or how about a Pope Justin!?! How are we suppose to keep up with them all, if they all have the same first and last names? Hey, that's probably why the poor guy can't take a vacation. Can you imagine trying to book the Pope into a hotel?

"Hello and thank you for calling Holiday Inn, how can I help you?"

"Yes, I am calling from the Vatican and I'd like to make a reservation."

"OK, sir what name would you like to book that under."

"Last name John Paul, first name Pope."

"Don't you mean first name John Paul and last name Pope."

"No, last name John Paul, first name Pope."

"Ok, sir let me see if I have this correct. First name is John Paul and the last name is Pope?"

"No! Last name John Paul, first name Pope!"

"Ok sir, first name is John Paul and the last name is Pope?"

"No dammit!!! THE FRICKING LAST NAME IS JOHN PAUL AND THE FIRST NAME IS POPE. Aw hell!! Just forget it, I'm calling the Days Inn!!!

So anyway, at the very least, let your Pope take a little break!! I mean, what's the worst that could happen if he takes a week off?? You all run out to the store and buy contraceptives and take a week off from procreating? Or you cheat and eat Pork Rinds for dinner on a Friday, instead of fish? You do it anyway and you know that you can always confess it later!!!

I have been Mary K O'd!!

2005-02-23T08:42:00.000-05:00

If you have never been to a Mary Kay party? If not, I suggest you go. It's kinda of hokey, but it's really fun!

So my niece was invited to a Mary Kay/Birthday party for Mom's and Daughters, and since she doesn't have a mom, and I was handy...guess who got to play the stand in role for Mom? Me!! The kid and Mom hosting this party are friends of mine from church, and I've never seen the Mom within 10 feet of a make up mirror, so I thought it'd be a real hoot.

So I zip out a homemade birthday card on the ole' home computer, throw a $20 in it and off we go, thru the rain and hail, with the 8 yr old daughter in tow.

So we get to the party, and find out that it's going to be 3 moms and 3 teens total. The kitchen table is all set up and ready to "party". Meaning that the MK Lady has these adorable little pink mirrors and foam art trays set at every place. The table was also piled with all the MK products that we might be using that night. After a little chit chatting we all set down and MK Lady gives us the MK spill. She asks us what we know about MK products and the only thing that I could think of to say was, "Well, I know for a fact that MK finally kicked the bucket."

The MK Lady got a reverent look on her face and said that no one every really knew her true age. Then MK Lady went around the table and asked each one of us what our nightly beauty regiment was. I, being the uneducated beauty idiot that I am, happily said, "Soap and Water!"

MK Lady takes about 4 steps back, (Like she thinks that I am about to steal her purse.) grabs her heart and tells me that it might be too late to reverse all the damage that I've done to my face. Horror of horrors!! (OK, I'm 40, and I have earned every damn laugh line and wrinkle, AND I still get mistaken for my kids' sister, I'LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW!!) So after she said that, I didn't think that it would be prudent to tell her that I actually use the hand soap thats suppose to kill germs on my face.....

Then MK Lady starts to tell us about the complicated and detailed nightly beauty routine that she submits her face to every night. Cleanse, Tone, Moisturize, etc..etc.. As she's talking, I start counting wrinkles on her face (lots), and noticing the Samsonite Luggage under her eyes. Oh well..

MK Lady also tells us that we need to take care of our hands, and she details a 4 part moisturizing, beauty treatment for our little paws, and asks for a volunteer. Being that braveheart that I am, I instantly raise my craggy, liver spotted mit in the air and say, "Me, Me, oh pick ME!!"

So she takes me to the sink, and greases my hand with a product that suspiciously reminds me of Crisco, then makes me rub, rub, rub. Next comes the exfoliation product, and rub, rub, rub. 3rd step was on to the cleanser, by this time, my hands look like I had dipped them in sour cream, and rub, rub, rub. Then she tells me that I can wash them, FINALLY!! YEAH!! So I wash and dry them, then what does she do? Puts something else that resembles Crisco right back on them!! What is that all about? I am thinking, that number 2 and 3 products probably don't do squat, but were thrown in the package so that MK Lady can double the price!! Anyway, after I moisturized the paws, then everyone wanted to get in on the act, so that killed 30 minutes. That's when I noticed a most delicious chocolate cake setting off to the side, and decided that we needed to get this show on the road and eat some cake!!

After the hand washing ritual was completed, MK Lady sets up down out our cute little mirrors and starts squirting 4 different kinds of cream on each foam tray. Then she instructs us all to take our index and middle (bird) finger and rub cream #1 every so gently into our cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" (Guess she never got hit in the boob, huh?). So we all start rubbing round and round on our cheeks, only I forgot to use the index finger and was rubbing with only my bird fingers which sent all the teenagers into fits of laughter and then they all dropped their index fingers during the rubbing session. This action resulted in a sharp look from MK Lady, who was taking our beauty routines VERY seriously!!

After both cheeks are thoroughly saturated with gobs of MK cream, MK Lady hands us a wet paper towel and tells us to remove our make up. REMOVE OUR MAKE UP??

Me: "Whadda mean remove our make up?"

MK: Yes, you must now remove your make up so that you can experience our fine MK products."

Me: "Er, nobody ever said anything about us removing our make up."

While I am bitching and moaning about this, I look in the mirror and realize that the cream that I just rubbed so gently into my cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" was eating my make up off my face like bathroom scrubbing bubbles.

Now I got a problem with taking my make up off, a big problem. No one has every seen me with out the war paint, except the hubby and kids. And I only let the hubby saw me like this AFTER I got married!! Now, I don't know about you girls, but as for me, I am the type of girl who takes her make up bag everywhere. I even had it in the recovery room after my kids were born and after my surgery a couple of years ago!! No one sees the Queen without her war paint!!

So seeing that the make up was half off already, and checking to make sure that the hostess' husband was safely in the other room, comatose in front of the television, I commenced to removing my kabuki mask. After about 3 rolls of paper towels, and a good 5 minutes of scrubbing, I was bare faced atlast.

All the teens and Mom just kind of looked at each other real bashful while mentally trying to figure out who was the ugliest without make up. One of the cheekier girls spoke up and said, "Mom, you look TERRIBLE without makeup!" So I reminded her that scientific evidence shows that all girls will look EXACTLY like their mother's in 20 years. The poor girl was so stricken that she had to leave the room for fresh air!

After stripping down to our real skin, we were then instructed to dab cream #2 into our "tender eye regions", " the most tender parts of our bodies" using (this time) only the ring finger! in a "upward circular motion""carefully avoiding the eye lashes as this will make our mascara run if we get lotion on them". Well, I was so freaked out with all the instructions, that I immediately stuck my finger in my eye and got cream on my contact! Next we were allowed to use cream #3 on the rest of our faces again using the other 2 fingers and same ole' "upward circular motion". Mission Accomplished.

Then MK Lady went around with plastic card that she held to our freshly scrubbed cheeks under the kitchen light. This was so she could determine what color we were. (I can see EEOC forms all over the world being changed from Caucasian, Afro American, and Latino to Ivory, Ebony and Beige.) I am proud to say that after 40 years of guessing and hoping, that I am Ivory 200 Medium, thank you very much!!

Then she gave us a little make up samples in our predetermined color. We were instructed to squirt the make up in our little foam trays. Then we were told to apply the make only to one cheek and wait 2 minutes to determine the TRUE color match. So we all did. With the exception of one of the mom's who had a really red face from all the scrubbing, MK Lady was dead on with the correct colors.

After it was determined that our make up matched our faces, we were allowed to put the color all over our faces. Now I don't know about you, but when I apply foundation, I find it necessary to make funny faces. Faces like, turning my head up and looking down sideways, then opening my mouth and sticking my tongue in my cheek. I don't know why, it just helps to get the darn stuff on my face. Unfortunately, I noticed that no one else at the party, has this affliction. So after all the facial contortions, I managed to cover my entire face in foundation.

Next it was on to eyes/cheeks/lips. so MK Lady tosses about a dozen paper cards on the table and cheerfully says, "These are coordinated color palettes for you eye, cheeks, and lips. Pick out any color you'd like to try."

I get all glassy eyed and ask, "Um. aren't you going to tell me if I am Winter, Spring or Summer?"

MK Lady: "What?"

Me: "So what color am I? Winter, Spring or Summer?"

MK Lady (confused look): "What are you talking about"

Me: "Oh nevermind, which one do you suggest?"

MK Lady: "Just pick out something that you wouldn't normally wear."

OK, so I spy a lovely palette card called, Breezy. Lovely name! I open it to find a dark dark blue eye shadow along with 2 other eye shadows that appeared to be Taupe. Orange Cheek Blush and Coral Lipstick in a shade called Cantaloupe. Now I love anything Coral, it looks terrible on me, but I just like thye word... Coral Coral Coral. Reminds me of the ocean. Thinking of the ocean reminds me of Pina Coladas, and I LOVE PINA COLADAS!! But, I am getting off the subject.

So MK Lady says, "OK now you can start putting your colors on your faces!" Yippie, and here I was thinking that since SHE was the "Beauty Expert" that she'd be doing all the painting. Oh well.. Lucky for us all, there was VERY detailed directions on how to apply all these lovely shades to our various body parts. So I start with the eyes, I load my teeny tiny little eye wand up with the 1st eye shadow and slap it on. Then I turn the teeny tiny little wand over and load color #2 and slap that above color #1 on my eye. Then seeing that I had yet another color to apply (The dramatic highlight color, she called it.) I had to put another teeny tiny little wand from my color palette to apply color #3. So I slap on color #3 right where the card said to put in and start looking around for another card so that I can work on the other eye.

About that time, the hostess looks up from her mirror over at me and starts laughing hysterically. (Wench.) The everyone else looks at me and start laughing too. (So what the heck is so funny, I ask.) About this time, MK Lady looks over at me and hisses, "I am sure that she will blend that in!" her her most serious meanest voice.

So I look at my eye in the mirror and grab my teeny tiny little wand and start moving some of the eye shadows over to the other eye. I was following the card instructions to the T (so I thought) but apparently even though the card shows that you are suppose to look like Boy George after you apply all this color, you're not! Curses!! As instructed by the suddenly evil MK Lady, I start to blend blend blend.

So after I blend the Boy George color into my eye, and every one else at the table have applied their eye shades perfectly, like damn super models, we are instructed to find the apples of our cheeks. This is so that we can put on blush (or rouge as she said, Tres French!!) So here I am feeling my face up like a pedophile in a daycare, looking for my apple. No Luck! No apples on this girl. Maybe if I'd actually ate some apples instead of all those candied apples, I could find thohse elusive apples in my cheeks. We were instructed to "carefully and lightly" apply our "rouge" in a "half moon along our apple", so I just stuck 2 half moons under my eyes instead.

MK Lady suddenly forgot that we were suppose to put on our eyeliner, so we had to go back to the eyeballs for a little more. So she hands out these lovely microscopic eye liners and tells us to start applying. Now I don't know about ya'll, but I have spent the last 40 years trying to convince the world that I am a direct descendant of Cleopatra, so I line my eye all the way around, real heavy. Then as the added "Egyptian" touch, I like to put a upward curvy line at the outside end of my eye to complete the sexy exotic cat look.

Per MK Lady, this is a "NO NO NO". "For the naturally look" we are suppose to "lightly and gently feather" the liner on the top lid, then only line the bottom of the eye from the pupil to the outer end. (Yep, Mary Kay looked totally naturally!) No cool curves past the eye lid. "Otherwise we are closing off the eye" AND we are to never put any liner in the eye booger pool (inner corner) "because it is unsanitary". Well, thank the Lord, I found this lady before I died of pink eye!! Funny note, the hostess wench about poked her eye out with the eye liner and then had a laughing fit and almost peed her pants. (That'll teach you to laugh at me!!)

So after the eye liner, we go to the lips. Now the lips are a complicated detailed 3 step process. First step in to line. "Line the kissy part first" (Her words!) to make a sexy pout. Then the old ladies in the group (Moms) were instructed to line OUTSIDE our natural lip line because apparently, in addition to sagging boobs, wrinkles and cellulite, our lips are also falling into our mouths and disappearing. Therefore, we need to draw big fat fake ones around where the old ones use to reside. Now, God blessed me with a fat ass and big feet, but to make up for it, he gave me big fat lips! But who am I to argue with a trained professional, so I draw a big circle around me mouth. MK Lady glances over nervously and yells, "Don't line all the way to the end!!" Uh ooh, anybody got a Kleenex?

Next we are instructed to apply our lipstick inside the lines. I look for my teeny tiny lipstick applicator and discover to my horror that I already used it to put on that 3rd coat of eye shadow. So I discreetly wip my wand on the corner of the table clothe, under the table. Next, I apply to lovely coral lipstick that resembles a sunset in Hawaii inside my new lip line. After we all get our fabulously huge lips finished. MK Lady starts handing out lip gloss samples. I get coffee and cream, mmm mmm good. I was so happy, it even smelled and tasted like coffee and cream, and by this time, I was sure ready for some caffeine. Then I started smelling cotton candy, chocolate, and strawberries and cream, and looked around and realized that everyone else in the room, got something even better. I was really bummed, I was kind of craving something sweet. So we all put our super shiny lip glosses on and check ourselves in the mirror.

I could see my entire reflection in my lips, that was so cool! But my lips were HUGE!!! Like something out of a horror picture. I couldn't believe 'em, it was like the "Lips that ate New York"!!!

After lip time, MK Lady tells us that we all need to put on mascara. (Wonder why we keep switching back and forth all over the face?) So, OKey dokey. She gives us tiny little wands loaded full of "Luxurious MK Mascara" and we start apply. She also told us to never "pump" our wands, but to "twist them" then proceeded to show us how to twist our wands in our containers. It looked suspiciously exactly like it does, when you are twisting the cap off! Then she tells us that bugs live on our eye lashes and that if we don't wash all our mascara off every night that the bugs will eat the mascara and all our eye lashes off. And that the lashes won't grow back!! Yep, I really wanted to know that MK Lady!! This statement makes me want to taste my mascara to see what those bugs are all hyped up bout! The hostess was so alarmed by this statement that she then proceeded to poke her other eye with the mascara wand. By this time, I am thinking that this girl must be into S&M.

Finally after mascara is applied, we all set back in our chairs and admire our new looks. I have to admit that it was a little much for me, but I did really love the foundation and it wasn't expensive, so I bought a tube of that.

After MK Lady got our orders, then and only then were we allowed to have dessert. Well, heck by this time, I had so much gunk on my face, I could barely open my mouth, so I only had the tiniest sliver of chocolate cake. Curses!!

After all was finished, it was 10 o'clock and I had to go get my teen boy from work. So he gets in the car, and do you think he EVEN NOTICED mommy's new look? Heck no! I swear, teenagers are SO self involved!! Finally I get home, and my husband sees me and does a double take, then a triple take, then he actually walks out of the room and back in. He finally says, "That is just too much make up!! You look like a prostitute!" So I ask him how much he'd pay me to have sex with him. Apparently I didn't look that much like a prostitute because he didn't take me up on the offer. Darnit.

So I go take a shower and wash away my fabulous night of fun down into the drain, using only soap and water....

Another life in the day..