Today is Friday..Yippie! Last week, I screwed myself out of the weekend because like a dummy I redid the bathroom. It looks GREAT (I totally could be a designer on a homemaker over show!) but I spent a darn weekend re-doing it.

So this weekend, I plan to go shopping. I need to dress for formal night on the cruise we’re taking next week. I hate to shop for dresses, because 1st of all, I have cankles, and I look like a lumberjack in a dress.

And formal night on a cruise ship reminds me of the prom. You spend a couple of hundred dollars on a dress that you only wear once, and your date can’t wait to rip off you at the 1st opportunity.
I have other dresses from other formal nights, but they look so freaking matronly. I think tomorrow before I go out to shop, I may slug back a couple of fo-tees (40oz beers) so that I will be in the right frame of mind to get a sexy dress….. that covers the cankles, while exposing my wonderful cleavage to the very best advantage.

Then, after shopping with MIL, I have to take her back to the old folks home, then rush home and get ready for my night out with my gossip buddies. Who are the GB’s you ask? Well, that’s a group of people who all subscribe to a website for our county. We all get on the site periodically during the day, to spread gossip, provide breaking news updates about what’s happening around the county (such as cow loose on Main Street, take alternate route), argue about silly stuff, and brag about our gardens, husbands, and children. It’s like the new age party line. I LOVE IT!
This will be my 2nd meet and greet, the other one was small, but this one is going to be about 15 or so people!! So I am really excited. WAHOO! I am dragging the hunney along for this one, since he is ALWAYS a great conversationalist, and whined when I went to the last and he didn’t. (Even though he said he didn’t want to go!)

Other that those 2 horrible exciting things, I really don’t have any other plans, other than to looks for a snowsuit for the little one to wear on her dog sled run next month. I haven’t seen that stupis snowsuit in years, so wish me luck!

Don’t hate me because my life is SO exciting. (I know, what-ev heifer!)

Herman Munster...

This goes out to the man who rides public transportation with me. So sorry to hear you’re getting a divorce. Now I know it’s none of my bees-wax, but heck man, when you have a booming voice like Herman Munster and you chatter about it on your cell phone, THE.ENTIRE.HOUR. that we’re stuck with you on the ride, one can’t help but hear your saga.

So you need to ‘steal’ your motorcycle back from the wife? Ever you ever thought about perhaps asking her for it? Call me crazy (no don’t, I’ll cut ya!) but me thinks she might just be holding it as a bargaining chip… What ‘cha got to trade?

Forevermore you’ll be known as Herman. Herman, BTW, it’s a small town we live in, you might want to lower your voice. After hearing you on the phone, talking about the ‘new’ friend. I think I might have a couple of bargaining chips myself.

I've had better conversation with goldfish....

So yesterday was Monday... Here I am standing at the smellavator with my lunch buddy getting ready to go to lunch. (Wahoo, Lunch!) When she casually mentions that the boss is going with us.

Wha?!?! The boss?!?! The one I.can't.quit.sucking.up.to.?

Yep.

Took a minute to register but lo and behold, then he walked up.

OK, this guy is SHY... He's nice, but being the boss meant that all conversations about fornification, drinking, and 'how sorry men are' was TOTALLY off limits.

Heck if you can't talk about those things, what can is there left to talk about?

Hence the title of this entry....

Stop me before I butt-kiss again!

What the hey… I have worked myself out of a job!! Since I have most inconveniently been sent to set at the (right hand of God) by the boss, I have been working like a total suck up…I am like that episode of when the Brady Girls met Davey Jones.

Geesh, he just asked me a question (as he came back from lunch and totally caught me playing Spider Solitare) and not only do I answer it, but I give the world's longest diatribe about nothing in particular. ARG!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!

Did I take my crazy meds today?? That usually shuts me up. I'll take another one, cause I ain't so sure, but D-A-M-N, I really need to simmer. Ofcourse if I take too many pills in one day, I'll lay in bed later and re-hash all the sucking up I did at work! Decisions, decisions.

So anyway, I have worked like a dog for 8 hours a day on stuff I used to work on for about an hour a day. (Hey, I like to pace myself!) It's not like I am a slacker, (OK, I totally am a slacker!) but this is a job that doesn't require a lot of brain power, so I have plenty of time to research "important" stuff on the net. Like Hollywood Gossip. Which starlet is really and truly preggers. (As it stands now, Christina A=Yes, Tom Cruise's Stepford Wife=No, Nicole I need to eat some candy Richie=Maybe), hone up my Spider Solitare skills so that I can go to Vegas and form a
tournament and totally win a million and read everyone's blogs.

But now that boss boy sits behind me, and apparently has a spring in his ass, and randomly pops up and by my desk about a zillion times a day, I can't get anything done, but work!!! What the hey! It doesn't help that I have a desktop monitor the size of a billboard. Gad!

In the last 4 days, I have :

Researched and updated all records in 4 different systems.
Cross checked billing records against 350 customers.
Cleaned out and Organized my email.
Updated and Organized my favorites.
Cleaned out and sorted my files in My Documents.
Organaized and planned ALL my workload thru July 31.
Cleaned my drawers out, and top of desk.
Cleaned fingerprints off billboard size monitor.
Defunked the crude off the phone where I now sit. (Miami CSI would have a field day with this thing!)

So I guess I will relegate my self to fricking updating my own blog on in Word, then convertly cutting and pasting it into the Blog………..and waiting on something to explode here at work so I will have some busy work.

Open Letter.......

Dear Friends,

This is an open letter to some people I know and some don’t know. Some people I know and wish I didn’t know…And some people I’ll never know, THANK YOU JESUS.

To my new buddy, thank you for regaling me with tales of your uterus while I am trapped for hours on end, on public transportation with you. Who knew that uteruses could be like combat zones, and the stories that you loudly tell would make so many people nauseated each time you screamed out the terrible tales of horror and tragedy regarding your uterus!

And thank you for all the interesting stories about your high schools days! I can’t remember my high school days, but I am sure they are nothing compared to all the things you told me about when you were in high school! Wow, you knew the football captain! And even better, HE KNEW YOU TOO! Hey, weren’t you in the band? I thought that band geeks and football jocks revolved on different planets! I racked my brain for like 3 minutes last night trying to remember the name of my football captain. I’m not even sure if we had a football at my school, but if we did, then the captains name would be something like Biff, or Jock or something. Who knows, who cares.

Also, you mentioned your “boney white ass”. Honey, your ass ain’t boney and don’t you let people tell you it is! As a matter of fact, I was standing behind you the other day, and it blocked out the sun. Go Figure.

Anyway, public transportation friend, I (cringe)look forward to seeing you everyday.

To the liars who run the public transportation. Thank you for consistently lying to me when I call you because the ride is 45 minutes late, and I am tired of standing out in the rain waiting to pay you my $2.00 bucks so that I can ride with Uterus, I knew the Football Captain in high school, girl everyday. Gosh, after crawling out of bed at 5am, and working 9 hours at the phone company, riding home is the HIGHLIGHT of my day. I especially enjoy the ride when the air isn’t working, and we have a full load of sweaty construction workers crammed in like sardines. Does ANYONE beside me wear deodorant? No?

To the girl I’ll never know on Marta. Now, nothing says I’m a professional, take me serious, like a outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood, and multicolored braids to your waist. Gurl, I’m just hating on you, ‘cause you looked like a porn star in that outfit and 5 inch heels. I bet you get a raise at work. I really enjoyed the ghetto blasting, rap crap coming from those headphones around your neck. Are your ears really on your neck, cause something on the side of your head was sporting some huge hoops! Nothing like 30 solid minutes of some baby daddy rhyming about “hot ho’s” and how he’s gonna “get him some”. I would have complimented you on your sense of style and choice of music, but I saw that you were busy reading a parenting magazine, and I was afraid you might “pop a cap in my ass”. I looked forward to not meeting you again.

To all the losers who think that their seat, and the seat next to them on public transportation is their birthright. Hey, it’s rush hour, and I know that you’re either a homeless bum, or a business man flying back from Jersey, but would it kill you to put your earthly treasures on the floor between you legs, and perhaps give that seat to the 60 yr old lady whose been standing on her feet all day at work?

To all the young men who do give us there seats to the little old ladies. You guys ROCK!! Your momma raised you well. You’ll go far in life, and in heaven. God smiles down on you when you give up your seat.

And lastly, to my bestest friend in the whole world. Thank you for regaling me with the terrible tragedy that was your day. After working all day, then standing in the rain for nearly an hour waiting on my ride home, I really look forward to hearing about the horrors of your day. It must be a real bitch getting up at 9am on a Tuesday, then having to spend all day (playing)working on your computer trying to book excursions for our cruise that is a full month away, and hey did I mention that the excursions can be purchased on the ship? Then horror of horrors! Having to get on i-tunes to help the little one purchase songs for her iPod. How do you make it thru the day?

I am sorry about not wanting to get bizy with you last night, but after hearing about the terrible day that you’d had. I felt that it might be better if you tried to rest and perhaps recover so that you could brace yourself for another horrible day of your 8 freaking week vacation. You poor dear! I know that the days are slipping by, and another school year is just around the corner, and I do sympathize that you’ll be back in school again before you know. Try to take it easy for the rest of June and July, honey I worry about you!

As for me, I’ll spend the summer, getting up at 5am, riding public transportation with all my ‘friends’, and working at the phone company….oh! and (bitching)blogging about it all!

Why Dr Atkins needs a kick in the butt...

So I have been on the carb diet for about 3 weeks now. How much weight have I lost you ask? 10lbs? 20 lbs? NO!! 7 itty bitty freaking fricking lbs. What up people! I am dying for some chocolate!! I swear...

Now on to other news....

Like when the heck is it gonna rain in Atlanta? I went out of town last week and it sprinkled every day I was there. But not a drop at my house. I think God has given up on me and sent me and my block to hell already. My yard is brown grass and dog turds. So decorative! So not Martha Stewart!

I'm baaaaaaaack!

It's been a long year. I am back in the wonderful East Tower at work, and back to blogging more regularly. If you remember from last years posts. I was moved to the West Tower at work, and had MAJOR restrictions on the internet due to the "zone" I was placed in. Well, I am back and WHOOPIE!!! I sure did miss ya'll!

So let's review the past year.....

My older son found a girl, then they had a girl. (See angelic pictures of my most adorable grandchild in previous posts.)

My oldest daughter got married and has stopped speaking to me or returning my phone calls for some reason. (Oh well, I am praying on that one!) He's a good man, and I hear they are happy, so I am happy for them both.. Now if, they'd just get bizy on some chillren!

I kicked my younger son out of the house. (Slacker wouldn't go to school or get a J-O-B!) I love him, but I gotta be hard momma on him. He now has a job, got his GED, and sleeps on the floor of his friend Larry's bedroom. (I feel so sorry for Larry's poor momma!) I told him that he could come back if he paid rent, but he is living free on the floor at Lar's, so he said no.

My little-ist girl finally got B's on her report card and proved to us that she is human afterall and not a robot sent to destroy all mankind.. Kidding, she's not going to take over the world, but she IS going to be President on the US someday.

My husband FINALLY got out of college, graduated Magna Cum Laude, whatever that is. He's teaching at a middle school and loving it. (He loves it because now he has a reason to compain even more!!) He was voted new teacher of the year, so Momma's very proud! I love my hunnie!!

I joined a gym, turned into a gym freak and lost 20lbs, then I went on a cruise and stopped going and gained 15 lbs back....dammit!

Did 3 courses on line for a college, and now have college credits!! Yippie. I want to get more classes and maybe do something different with my life, but then hunnie announced that he plans to go to college SOME MORE, so I guess I will have to work around his schedule.

Ok, now to the BAD NEWS...

My poor cousin died in March. He was only 40, but he has been sick for so long. I heard he was in the hospital for like 6 weeks before he died. So that was sad. His mom has 5 kids, and now 3 are dead. Bummer.

My only living grand parent died last week. My grandma. So sad. She had a stroke about a month ago, and we thought she was getting better, but then she up and kicked the bucket! I think I am most like her. (A little crazy....) I loved her so much...


Well, it's been a short year and a LLLLOOOONNNGG year too. Missed ya'll