Me and Alli go to the Legion!

Sorry this is a loooong post, but it was a looong night.........

So I got invited to a party...at the Legion. I know, Klassy, right? It was a birthday party, with cake, therefore attendance was mandatory. As I was frantically rummaging thru my closets looking for an (in)appropriate outfit to wear, Alli comes strolling in.
Alli: What's the plan for tonight fatty?
Me: er, nothing! Just going to a bible study at the church!
Alli: So they allow halter tops at church now? I must have missed that sermon.
Me: haa haa, I'm TOTALLY going to wear a sweater over it...
Alli: So what you wearing over the mini-skirt? A tent?
Me: um, I'm actually wearing leggings under that!
Alli: Oh yea, that's still in style...if you're 8....and live in a trailer park.(as she moves up behind me and starts twisting my arm!)
Me: Ow!!! Alright alright, it's a party!!! I'm going to party!!! and you're totally NOT invited!
Alli: (twisting harder) What? I don't think I hear you clearly Shamu. Say it in english.
Me: Ok, you can go,...(mumble mumble) it'll be fun...

So I got dressed. I am not sure if ya'll are aware, but there a strict dress code for the ladies at the Legion. It involves the use of spandex, outfits that accentuate your cleavage, fake tans, and tons of Aqua Net. So Alli and I had our work cut out for us..
Me: (Standing in front of the bathroom mirror) Alli, can you please tease it up a little higher?
Alli: Sure, I thought this was a birthday party not a costume party, Marie Antoinette.
Me: OK, just another can of Aqua Net.(spray, spray, spray) Alli, shouldn't you take that cigarette out of your mouth while I'm spraying this?
Alli: Nah, it'll be fine.
My Hair: Pouf!!!

So anyway, we got ready. I decided since it was going to be at the Legion, I ought wear something fancy, so I wore my Dolly Parton costume from last year's Hall-o-weenie Roast. Alli was wearing brown, as usual. So we grabbed our purses and hit the door. Just when we got to the car, I had a flash of brilliance!
Me: Alli, you totally have something on the back your pants.
Alli: (flipping around back and forth trying to look at it) Where?
Me: There, on the back. What is that? Man it looks bad!
Alli: I better go change. Hang on.
Me: (grinning ear to ear) I'll be riiiight here...

So Alli goes back into the house to change. I make like Bo and Luke Duke and dive thru the window and try to start the car!
Me: Oh mercifulheavens. Crank!! Crank Dammit CRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(pounding on steering wheel)
Alli: (standing at the door holding the battery cables) Oh, that was a good one. You're totally gonna pay for that later....

So after we put all the parts back on the car. I drive off, with Alli riding shotgun, and go to the Legion. We get in and are immediately swarmed by elderly, lonely Legionnaires. I mean, I was rockin hawt and all!
Legionnaire #1: Hey purty little lady, you're a cool drink of water. Lemme buy you a drink!
Me: Gee thanks! That's be great! (while giving Alli the finger)
Legionnaire #1: (facing Alli) Would your chubby friend like a drink too? (glancing at me.)
Alli: Don't mind if I do!
Legionnaire #1 then falls off his barstool, wets his pants and falls asleep.

So I decide (or rather Alli DECIDES) that we oughta stay away from those high caloric alcohol beverages and check out the party. So we walk to the other room and Man was that place rocking!! They had a band and everything!
Alli: Great Music, Let's dance!
Me: What?
Alli: I SAID LET'S DANCE! IT WILL BURN OFF SOME CALORIES, and the Good Lord knows you need to do that.
Me: WHAT!!
Man standing beside me: Who are you talking too?

So Alli grabs me by that arm and drags me out on the dance floor. I was sooo embarrassed because no one else was dancing. But they were playing the Electric Slide and that's Alli favorite dance, so....
Alli: Dear Lord, you WERE born with 2 left feet.
Me: Alli that's mean! I am just out here to humor you!
Alli: Well, dance over there and act like you don't know me, that will humor me more.
Me: Ok whatever. (as I waltz away)
Hot Guy #1 : Why is that fat chick dancing and talking herself?
Hot Guy #2: (pointing at me) Her? Dude, I think she's having a seizure.
Hot Guy #3 (wincing) Quick! Stop pointing before she sees you and latches on? She's a freak!
Me: (waving and gesturing frantically at Hot Guy #2) OMG! OMG! Allie, that guy over there is TOTALLY flirting with me!!
Hot Guy #1,2, and 3: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, 3 or 4 hours later...
Me: Alli, can we sit down now? Nobody else is dancing and I'm getting hungry.
Alli: Is that the Macarena I hear!! Shake that money maker fatty!
Me: (sobbing and falling to the floor) Wah!!! These shoes are killing my feet!
Alli: Oh alright drama queen! Why'd you wear those CFM pump's anyway?
Me: (eagerly dragging Alli by the arm over to the food buffet) Let's eat!!
Alli: I'm not hungry and you're fat.
Me: PLEASE PLEASE I'll be good!!!! I promise!
Alli: You better.

So we split up and go to fix our plates. Alli just got a plate of carrot sticks, so she sat down at the table previously occupied by the Hot Guys. I wonder what ever happened to them?
Me: (heaving 3 plates of delicious goodness over to my chair)
Alli: For the love of Free Willy, girl. Did you leave any food on the buffet?!?!?
Me: Well, I thought I'd fix a plate for the guy who was flirting with me earlier!
Alli: Oh, you mean the one who ran away screaming like his hair was on fire when he saw you waving at him?
Me: Yea, that one. He likes me, we bonded. I can tell. Want some ranch for those carrot sticks?Alli: (delicately biting a carrot stick)No, thank you
Me: (drinking the ranch dressing out of a cup) Man, this stuff is good!
Alli: Gurl, you need to step away from that cup or you're totally gonna regret it!
Me: I just hate to see food to go waste.
Alli: You haven't seen your waist since Junior High.

So we ate our food. Well I ate my food, and the Hot Guy's food, while Alli glared at me. Then, when I saw that she had lost her appetite, I ate her carrot sticks!
Me: Yea, they're cutting the cake. Want me to get you a piece?
Alli: You ain't eating cake, fatbutt and no ofcourse I don't want a piece of cake!
Me: Just one piece. One itty bitty little piece!
Alli: I will make you regret it.
Me: (totally ignoring Alli while gazing lovingly at the cake) One teeny weeny , itsy bitsy little piece.
All: iWhatever. You'll pay later.

So I go over and get a piece of cake.
Allie: Um...What are you doing?
Me: (smiling, holding up my piece of cake) Getting me a piece of cake! Like you said I could!
Alli: That's the entire cake, they haven't cut it yet dummy.
Me: My bad. (runs to put cake back on table)
Lady at Cake Table: (holding knife with confused look) Are you talking to someone dearie?

So anyway, after enduring the world's longest version of Happy Birthday to You, I finally got a piece of cake. Boy was it ever yum!Then after the all that food, and cake, 6 glasses of wine, 3 mixed drinks, and 9 beers, Alli thought it would be a good idea to dance some more.
Alli: (pulling me by my hair) Get your fat a$$ out there and dance off some of that blubber!!
Me: Ow ow ow!So anyway, we danced.

And finally around 1 AM, some really nice Legionnaires that me and Alli met at the bar decided to dance with us! First there were 2 brothers. I'm not sure how old they were but they did say that they both fought in WW2. Their names were Mr. Bartles and the other one was Mr. James. They were soooo nice. But it seemed like they only wanted to dance with Alli. They were kinda dirty dancing with her, you know, grinding on her and stuff. But she really seemed not to notice.

So, I was stuck dancing with Mr. Pepperidge. He was nice too, though. He said he had fought in the war with the Bartles & James brothers and some guy named Jack Daniels. Anyway after the war was over, Mr. Pepperidge bought a farm and lived there until his mean kids put him in the nursing home. Boy he sure was a talker, aa dancer too! Although he really couldn't do all the moves, cause he was using a walker and his pants kept falling down. But anyway.
Alli: (glancing slyly at Mr. Pepperidge) He thinks you're hot..
Me: (gazing adoringly at Mr. Pepperidge) You think I'm pretty?!
Mr. Pepperidge: Honey everyone's pretty at 2am!! But there seems to be 2 of you, which one should I dance with?
Me: I love you!! Let's keep dancing!
Mr. Pepperidge: Oops I think I just pooped my pants.
Me: Don't worry about it, happens all the time to me!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, it was like lightning had struck me in the gut!!! I started writhing in pain, bending over, and clutching my stomach. It was the most horrible pain I'd ever had, since that Baby Shower last year. I totally thought I was dying!!!!!
Mr Pepperidge: (waving a dollar bill) That's right work it baby! Shake it for Daddy!
Alli: Ha ha! Told you, you'd be sorry.
Me: Bathroom, now!

So I ran like my a$$ was on fire, which it really was, to the bathroom, and that is where my Hub found me when he came to pick me up.
Hub: (to the bartender) I'm here to pick up my wife. You called?
Bartender: I sure did. You came just in the nick of time too. We called the Sheriff's too. They're on their way too.
Hub: (shrugs)So..where's she at?
Bartender: (pointing)See that brown trail on the dance floor? She's at the other end of that.
Hub: (sighs)Dear Lord, give me strength.
Bartender: Please remind your wife, when she sobers up, that she's still banned from the Legion AND she doesn't even have a membership here.

And that's where the Hub found me. In the Men's Room, sitting on a trashcan and puking in the urinal.
Hub: Dear Lord..help me.
Me: BLEH!!!
Alli: Ha ha! Told ya, dumb a$$!
Me: (puking/pooping/crying/screaming) YOU'RE A BIZ-ACTH I HATE YOU!!!
Hub: Baby, who are you talking too?

So anyway, when we got home that night Alli locked me in the bathroom ALL NIGHT as punishment for eating all those calories. I was in there until dawn. Then she said that she thought I'd learned my lesson and let me out.

On the bright side, my husband is starting to talk to me again. He says he can't afford to divorce me, and he got me an application to the VFW!! AND Alli is going on Spring Break with some co-eds she met. She says they need her.

And like they say, when the cats away, the mouse will play......

CAN YOU SAY EASTER CANDY!!!

Movie Review: Knowing, ...I wished I'd known before I wasted $20 bucks.

So the hub secretly worships all things Nicolas Cage. Ask him which actor he likes best and he'll tell you, "Oh I like Al Pacino, or Marlon Brando (or any other tool in The Godfather)', but he really wants to get a wonky eye, and hair plugs just like his secret boyfriend Nicco.. So he begged me to go see this movie with him last Sunday. Yea, that was 2 hours that I'll never get back.

So the trailer of the movie makes you think that Nicolas Cage has a set of numbers that will tell him when the end of the world is, so he can do alot of manly stuff and then save the world. The trailer is nothing like the movie....The movie starts out showing a little girl staring at the sky like a loon, while other kids are playing on the playground in 1959. Right away, you know that the poor kid is a loser. Let me give you a real life comparison. When I was in 6th grade we had this little boy named Wade in our class. Now Wade was a little pale kid with red hair and freckles, but he wanted to be a gangster worse than anybody I ever met.

So Wade spent all his time wearing skin tight maverick jeans and writing on his body with ink pens. One day, he'd write L-O-V-E across one knuckle and H-A-T-E across the other. Or he'd write some random name like Ethel on his arm. He'd flex his skinny white arm in my face until I'd groan and say, "Who's Ethel?: and he'd tell me it was his grandmother and how she was dead and blah blah blah.. So since no one was duly impressed, Wade had to up his game. So when we all had to go out and buy protractors for math, Wade started carving his arm. His carving cursive really sucked compared to his mad ink skillz. He'd come to school looking like he'd been attacked by a pole cat, and flex those pale arms in my face, until I'd sigh, and say, "What happened to your arm Wade?", then he'd proudly point to his bloody arm and say, "It says Wade, man it hurt like hell." Then he'd wince and look over his shoulder to make sure the teacher didn't hear him say the H word.

One day, Wade really upped the anty and brought a rat in a mayonnaise jar into school. A big rat. A small jar. It was brown. He'd caught the rat at his grandma's house. Dead Grandma Ethel... Creepy. Our teacher Mrs. Bornhauser was about 3 cigs away from a fatal heart attack, but she was cool about the rat. She said, "Um Wade, I'm gonna need you to put that thing in your desk. AND DON'T LET IT LOOSE!!" Wade being the little stud he was, said, "But I wuv him."

I never found out what happened to Wade, but I did see his picture on the DOCC website for convicted felons, so I guess he turned out ok.

So anyway back to the movie, this poor little girl, her name was Lucinda, and she was a loser with a capitol L, poor thing. So she's in 5th grade, and all the kids hate her, cause she's like Sissy Spacek in Carrie. So the lame school she goes to gets the brilliant idea to make a time capsule and have all the kids draw a stupid picture of what they think 2009 will be like and stuff it in the capsule. Right away, you can tell that although Lucinda is a loser, she's a heck of a lot smarter than all those other dumb kids in her class. Case in point. All these kids are in 5th grade, and they draw pictures using CRAYONS. I mean really! I know it was 1959, but heck, couldn't they have atleast used color pencils or something. And the pictures were so lame it was like my dog Pedro had drawn them, and he doesn't even have thumbs!

So loser Lucinda chose the high road, and decided to just go on a little acid trip and draw numbers, WITH A PENCIL, on her paper instead. Well the teacher, being the jealous bi-aitch that she was (Jealous of Lucinda's smarts, and her future ability to probably get laid unlike Miss Prissy Pants teacher) was like all, "Lucinda! Time's up! Give me that paper!" and then snatches it off poor Lucinda's desk. Total bi-aitch move.

Well Lucinda was pissed, so while Miss Prissy Pants takes the entire school outside to put their lame pictures in the stupid time capsule, Lucinda goes to the broom closet in the school basement to sneak a smoke, and finish writing her numbers. When she got there, she discovered that she had forgot her pencil, AND HER CIGS, so she just wrote the rest of numbers on the door in her own blood. (I bet Wade would totally do this!)

So then, when whoever produced this pile of crap movie got tired of ragging on Lucinda, the movie suddenly switches to 2008, and you see Nicolas Cage's huge fake hair covered head on the screen. This is when you realize the Nicolas Cage ain't got it no more, cause if he was still hot, he'd be playing a college student, and not a loser College Professor, which was sad. Remember the Paper Chase with Ryan O'Neal back in the 70's? Well Nicco looked like Ryan O'Neals college professer, and not Ryan O'Neal in that show. You know the old man, the 60 year old who wore the ugly corderouy jacket with the arm patches? That's Nicolas Cage.

So anyway Nicolas Cage is teaching a class and it was soo boring that I started counting the popcorn kernals in my bag. Then the movie switches to Nicco cooking weeney's for his kid, in the dark, in the middle of winter, outside, in the freezing cold. You can tell this kid hates him cause he won't eat the weeneys and goes back in the house. This is about the time that you find out that Nicolas Cage's wife thought he was such a douchebag that she started a fire in a hotel room and killed herself just to get away from Nicolas Cage. Now that's what I call serious hatred.

Anyway, Nicolas Cage is all up in his kid's gravy every chance he gets, and tries to be all funny and witty and happy, so the kid just goes to bed. So when the kid goes to bed, he starts hearing whispering, and stuff and he freaks. (wouldn't you?) So I don't know what happened next cause this is about the time that Hub started whining about having popcorm grease all over his hands. Hmmm, pour a gallon of butter over your popcorn then wonder why it's greasy? Yes, this is the brilliance of Hub.

Then the sad little kid goes to school and they open the stupid time capsule, and Nicolas Cage is such a tool that he gets to school late and almost misses his sad kid singing a song with all the other kids. Then they let all the kids pull a envelope out of the time capsule and ofcourse all the dumb kids are like vultures on crack, all freaking out trying to get an envelope, like maybe the drawings are made out of acid and they'll get high if they lick them, or something. So that leaves Nicolas Cage's sad kid with GUESS WHO'S envelope?!?! Yep, poor Lucinda's. Wow, I never seen that one coming...

Then Nicolas Cage and his sad kid go home, and Nicolas Cage does something stupid and pisses the kid off again. So the kid goes to bed, and Nicolas Cage gets drunk and starts 'seeing' things in Lucinda's paper, so he stays up all night writing on a white board, sniffing markers. Then the next morning he takes a picture of the white board to his tool friend at college and starts trying to freak him out about the numbers. His friend thinks he's stupid just I did.

So Nicolas Cage goes out and finds the teacher, Miss Prissy Pants, and starts freaking out on her about who is Lucinda?, what happened to Lucinda?, reckon she'd put out? So yes I too was shocked that Miss Prissy Pants was still alive, but apparently that's God's punishment for being a prude, you never get laid and you live forever.So Miss PP gives Nic the address of Lucinda, and Nicolas Cage being the total douche bag that he is goes ripping over there and sees a hot young wench getting in a car with her own Loser Lucinda. He then uses his spidey abilities and instantly knows that this is Lucinda's kid, and grandkid.

So like a total stalker he makes his sad little kid lay out of school and then proceeds to drags the poor sad kid all over town, stalking COL (Child of Lucinda) and her kid. Finally he makes his sad little boy go talk to her sad weird girl and through the kids, Nicolas Cage starts trying to horn in on COL. You'd think he's just trying to get laid, but NO, he wants to talk to COL about Lucinda! So she gets mad, cause being the suave guy he is, Nicolas Cage starts talking about what a crazy bi-atch Lucinda was. (Oh yea, that's how to win her over!)

Then for some reason, some really pale albino gay guys in turtle necks start chasing the sad little boy, and COL losing her mind, breaks down and drags her weird kid over the Nicolas Cage's house. Then her and Nicolas Cage think it's a grand idea to drag the kids out for a drive to poor dead Lucinda's trailer home out in the middle of the woods, on a school night, after midnight, with the world's smallest flashlight. So he and COL get to the trailer, the poor kids are passed out in the back seat, and being the responsible parents that they are, Nicolas Cage and COL leave the kids in the car, go into the trailer and create lots of sexual tension without doing anything sexual.

They just wander around in the dark in Lucinda's piece of crap trailer. That trailer reminds me of a guy I used to go 'visit' back when I was single and dumb. He was such a loser that I refused to take him out anywhere public, but he did have his skillz, so I'd go over to his trailer, when there was nothing else to do. Well anyway that was LONG before the Hub.

So Nicolas Cage and COL are in the trailer, the kids are passed out in the back seat in the dead of the night, in the freezing cold, on a schoolnight, and here come the Albino Gay Guys in turtle necks, trying to get the kids. Being the good parents that they are, ofcourse the car doors were not lock. So the kids are freaking out, ecspecially sad boy, but being the billiant child of Nicolas Cage he doesn't have the sense to lock the car doors, so finally the little girl starts blowing the car horn and the abinos run away and the parents break up the party and come out side.

This is about the time that Nicolas Cage has figured out that the world in gonna end and takes everbody back over to his house. You think that it being the end of the world and all that Nicolas Cage would be a stud and try to shag COL. But NO!! they both go lay down with their kids. But you can tell that both the kids hate it too because both of the parents are totally hogging the bed.

I don't remember much after that because I suddenly became fascinated with my popcorn and a gum wrapper that I found in my purse, but at the very end, a spaceship appears, the albino gay guys turned into space aliens with huge buttcracks and the kids, seeing this as an opportunity to get away from their useless parents beg the albino space aliens to take them away. Nicolas Cage cries like a bi-aitch and runs home to his mummy and daddy. They didn't look real happy to see him either. I guess it's because all thru out the movie Nicolas Cage kept trying to feel up his sister's boobies every time he hugged her. She totally look like guy too.

This movie was crap, and Nicolas Cage, as usual, did not stray far from the losers he's been playing ever since he made Moonstruck, the only good movie he's ever made. I give this movie absolutely no stars.