OK, no chitting you! This is the last posting that I posted about ALLI on the other website that I 2-time with... Here's the last of all the ALLI drama...
My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.
So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.
As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."
So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)
Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.
Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!
Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...
Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!
BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.
Showing posts with label ALLI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ALLI. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Last of the ALLI Chronicle (part IV)..aren't you getting tired of all that crap anyway?
On another note... I just called and asked for 2 apps to run in some races. I promised my kid (The Fabuluous Lana) that I would run in the Peachtree with her next summer. Might as well try to kill myself before then, by doing some 'practice (Death Marches) runs.
On to the ALLI!
Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.
Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.
So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...
Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
ALLI: No.
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
ALLI: No.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?
So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.
Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!
And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)
When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...
Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
ALLI: No.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?
So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....
About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!
ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI Q&A:
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.
Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?
On to the ALLI!
Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.
Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.
So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...
Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
ALLI: No.
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
ALLI: No.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?
So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.
Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!
And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)
When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...
Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
ALLI: No.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?
So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....
About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!
ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI Q&A:
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.
Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
The ALLI Chronicles (Part III)
Before I get started with all the sheeze, let me say that my littlest kid has her 12th BD Party. Know what? 12 yr old boys are HAWT! when they aren't kin to you. (kidding)
Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.
Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)
Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!
Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.
Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.
So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!
Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...
It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.
It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.
So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.
ALLI: No.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!
So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.
She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."
So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.
ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?
Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!
So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:
QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?
My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.
QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?
My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.
Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.
I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....
So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!
Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!
Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.
Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)
Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!
Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.
Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.
So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!
Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...
It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.
It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.
So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.
ALLI: No.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!
So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.
She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."
So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.
ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?
Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!
So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:
QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?
My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.
QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?
My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.
Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.
I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....
So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!
Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The ALLI Chronicles - (Part II)
OK, before I get into the ALLI story. Let's talk PTA. I mean last night was the 1st one of the year. Am I just jaded, or are those skinny capri wearing Stay-At-Home-Mommie's just too much!? I mean Damn! Chill Ladies, have a cocktail already!!! I am thinking about having a PTA intervention on some of them ladies.
And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':
Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)
Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...
OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!
Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)
Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)
So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.
Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!
Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)
For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.
OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady, I.got.my.eye.on.you.
And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':
Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)
Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...
OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!
Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)
Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)
So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.
Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!
Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)
For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.
OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady, I.got.my.eye.on.you.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Crap!! Has it been a year already?!?! ALLI Chronicles (Part !)
Since that time I have lost, gained, and tried to lose again. 40lb. Reconnected with my daughter. Had my younger son move to AK, then Cali, then back home again, Dammit!! Had my old boy move back in Dammit! and also had my niece graduate from H.S., enroll in College and yes, you guessed it! also move in with me!
My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.
It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!
I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.
So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)
Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM
Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".
Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!
(then later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM ...one hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..
(then a little later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM
3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?
Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.
They . just. keep. slipping. out.
All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!
More to follow....
My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.
It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!
I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.
So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)
Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM
Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".
Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!
(then later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM ...one hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..
(then a little later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM
3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?
Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.
They . just. keep. slipping. out.
All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!
More to follow....
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