Ex-wife's Mother-in-Law

No, not my ex-wife, my husband's. I am an idiot, that's all there is...

See, my husband's ex-wife quit talking to her mother about 5 years ago, because XMIL didn't support her daugther's decision to divorce my darling prince. So, what does XMIL do, she starts calling my husband telling him how much she'd like to visit her granddaughter and how she knows that the mom will never let her visit the granddaughter again, because they aren't speaking. So being the putz that I am (and not realizing XMIL tru evil side!) I encourage him to let the old bat come visit.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E. The first couple of visits went ok. XMIL would come and visit, whisper to the grown up about what a low life her daughter was, and basically just enjoy her time with the granddaughter. But then, BUT THEN, the true colors began to show.

First all, - the lady is hard of hearing. (She lied to us and told us that her mom hit her in the head until she went deaf. - not true) AND she's from Brooklyn, AND she keeps birds, lots of birds. Combine all that together and you get a loud, highpitched, nasally Brooklyn accent. This is a voice that strips paint of the wall, when she talks!! But miraculous, she has the hearing of a damn eagle whenever you say something that you DON'T want her to hear, and will even give you her unsolicited opinion on it, even though you weren't asking her!

2ndly - She lies, and she talks bad about EVERYONE she knows. She dissed her kid, her family AND her friends. She was showing me pictures one time and actually had the nerve to tell me that God was punishing her friend (he's in a wheelchair) because his parents were like 3rd cousins and married eachother. (Nice...) I told her that I didn't think that God worked like that. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, and she still tells Her husband that my husband is STILL with her daughter!! (Confusing, I know!)

3rdly - She tells our daughter bad things about her mother. (the daughter) AND her dad. (Talking shit about my husband will earn you an ass kicking real quick, from me!) She tells my child that she doesn't know why her mommy doesn't love grandma anymore, and that mommy is mean to grandma. (Hey lady, you dissed your daughter when she needed you the most, then talked bad about her, to everyone you know. HELLO, this is your daughter that you are pissing on!) Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of the ex-wife myself, but she IS the mommy, therefore we don't talk bad about the mommy.

Grandma also told our child some silly story about how a family pet had gotten ran over, and then told the child that Daddy has basically lied about how it really happened. (it was totally stupid and not true, but it eroded our daughter's confidence in her dad.)

4thly - The woman eats like a damn horse, AND pretends that she has food allergies. The old bat weighs less than 100lbs, and has a great figure, but she can eat you out of house and home! From the minute she hits are door, she is CONSTANTLY munching and grazing like an old milk cow!! And everynow and then, she'll pretend like she has some silly allergy and want you to buy her "special food". One time, she had a milk allergy, therefore she made us supply her with rice milk, which she didn't drink, because it tastes like liquid garbage!! (She has drank milk since then with no problems, old wench!!)
Last weekend, when the bat was visting, I made a chocolate cake. My husband nervously tells me that XMIL is allergic to chocolate. I just said, "Watch this." then asked the old bat is she wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Ofcourse she said sure, and even went back for seconds. (and probably thirds, when no one was looking!)I waited all night for that old hag to swell up and die. I was so disappointed!!

5thly- The woman never opens her purse for shit!! She complains that she's hungry the minute you get her off the plane, so we have to take her out to a restaurant. Does she offer to pay, ever? Hell no!! We drive an hour to pick her dumb ass up at the airport, have to totally rearrange our schedules, does she offer anything on gas? No!! She goes shopping, buys her friends all kinds of crap to take back to NY, buys her damn birds all kinds of crap... Does she buy her ONLY granddaughter even a freaking piece of gum? Whaddaya think? NO!!!! Heifer bitchass hooch!

Just to let you know of this lady's love toward her grandchild. There was this one time that our daughter was showing XMIL a ring that her mom had given her. XMIL looks at it and says "that's my wedding band that I gave my mother 30 years ago, I want it back!!", and then tried to take the ring from our 6 yr old. Our child said, "No, my mother gave me that ring!: (Apparently the XMIL's mom had held on the ring for 25 years or so, then gave it to HER granddaughter and told her that she could have the ring since it was the wedding band of her parents, who had divorced right after she was born.) So XMIL runs to my husband and tell him (like a damn 5 yr old!) that she wants her ring back from the 6 yr old, and that "she won't give it back". Husband says, "that's between you and her."

Then the bat from hell, runs to me and says the same thing. I tell her that it's our daughter's ring and therefore her decision, but that XMIL CANNOT just take the ring. So XMIL guilt trips the poor child for about a day, until she finally caves and say that the old bat can have the ring. but ONLY if XMIL will buy her another ring. So XMIL makes me take her to Wal-Mart to get a another ring. She strolls over to the racks that holds the cheap stuff, while the daughter and I proceed to the ring counter to find the most expensive ring possible. In the end, the little monster saw something glittery and purple, therefore I could only peg the ole bat for $40 bucks. (Darnit.)

Anyway, these crazy wench came for another visit this past weekend, and totally showed her ass as usual. I told my husband that the next time she wanted to visit, to tell her not to come, because we are having martial problems.

He gave me a stricken look, and said, "But we're not having marital problems."

I just said, "Oh we will, if she ever comes back!''

Maw In Law

So What happen to me? you are asking yourselves....

Well, Maw-in-Law is back in town..... Yep, leave it to an in-law to call you, after you are in bed, but 3 minutes before you are about to get down to biz-ness with her little boy!!! That's exactly how it happened too. (or didn't happen, come to think of it!)

On a Thursday night... the one night of the month when we were going to get lucky...Ring!!!Ring!!! goes the phone. Nothing kills the mood like the voice of your mother, in a hot hurry panic....to book a plane trip ...... to your house.... 3 weeks earlier than originally planned.

Love you Maw-in-Law!!! Thanks for the call!

So she was at her psycho sister's house. (sister = Sybil, 3 Faces of Eve, Angelina Joli in Girl Interrupted..) MIL and sister got into a knock down drag out, so MIL called us and wanted to jet back to our house. No problem, love to have you here...Only I haven't cleaned the house since you left back in February.

So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was spent in a frenzy of cleaning, clearing and organizing!! Even though, MIL has spent every single second since her arrival re-cleaning, re-clearing, and re-organizing, me, again....

On a brighter note!! She is heading back to my Sister-in-law's to re-clean, re-clear, and re-organize her house in 3 weeks. Oh Joy!!

I love having MIL at my house, she's Arabic and I'm Southern, so every sentence we speak ends with "Can you repeat that?". And though we have nothing in common, expect we both love the same guy, (Her boy, my hubby!),we manage to have fun. She is really keeping me on the go. She likes to shop, eat out, and visit places, while I like to lay around, sleep, and do nothing. Guess whose agenda, we follow? Yep, hers!! So you will hear less and less of me the next 3 weeks or so, while I try to work, clean house for a change, entertain MIL, and somewhere in the middle of all that, lay around and do nothing!!!

I'll miss you!

Oh the Insanity!!! and Mominlaw

OK, so yesterday was a bad rant on the co-worker. I take it all back. It's just me, not him.

So I was late for work this morning. Luckliy so was the boss. When I got in, he was standing at someone's cube shooting the breeze, holding his briefcase. Yesterday I beat him into the ofc by a full hour. I am such a slacker. I couldn't leave this house this morning until I heard a full report of all the body aches and pains that my mother-in-law was having.

Mominlaw is living with us now. It'll be a week this week. I feel sorry for her, her husband of 40 something years died on 11/6. She is completely lost without him. At the age of 73, she has NEVER been in charge of her own life. She went straight from her father's house into marriage. Sp she has spent her entire life waiting hand and foot on others.

A little bit about Mominlaw. She is Arabic. (I'm Southern, hubbie's from NewYork. It's an interesting house we have.) She was born in Jordan, rasied in Lebanon. She is one of 11 children, only 3 of them girls. Now, in the middle eastern culture, women are "More priceless than Rubies" but they also spend their entire catering to the men in their family. (Scrubbing, cooking, cleaning, having babies, etc..) Mominlaw's own mother died when she was 18 yrs old. Mominlaw was the 4th of all the children (I believe), and her youngest brother was only 7 yrs old. So Mominlaw immediately became the "Lady of the house". This was in the 1950's.

Shortly after the death of the Mother, Mominlaw and the family moved to New York City. All the oldfer brother's set about finding fabulous jobs and beautiful wives, while Mominlaw quietly raised the younger children, scrubbed the floors, cooks the meals, and did the laundry.

Mominlaws big act of rebellion was going out to get a job at the Loew's Movie Theatre when she was 26 years old. Mominlaw worked in the theatre as a cashier/ticket-taker.

She told me that after working their for some time, that she met a handsome English man in a coffee shop once day when she was on her break from Loew's. Well, this handsome young man found out where she worked, and followed her back to the theatre. 3 Months later he became her husband.

At this time, she was close to 30, all the younger kids were raised, and the most of the brother's had by then found wives. So at that time, they had no more use for Mominlaw's services by then. This all occurred after the brothers had turned down 3 marriage proposals that were offered up to Mominlaw. (Evidently back during this time, Arabic men saw the woman, determined that they liked her, then made an offer of marriage to the men in the house. Oh the romance of it all!) The brothers had turned down previous suitors for the following reasons, "Too tall, not rich enough, and I can't even recall the other lame reason."

Anyway, I am telling you the Mominlaw story to let you know how respressed and lost this poor woman is. She speaks Arabic, English, French, Italian and Hebrew fluently. She is 73 yrs old, and still sharp as a tack. She is brilliant!! She has spent her entire lift waiting on others, and now at the age of 73, she finally can focus on herself. I'd love to see her just fly the coop!! Have a little fun, travel, blow her inheritance....but so far nothing.

Time will tell, I suppose. I hope, I hope for her.