Alaska Cruising....

And for your your viewing pleasure....


Things I saw in Alaska!


Yea, there's a whale in this picture. See him? No? That's because he's UNDERWATER! Duh!

Things we were told we'd see on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion...

Things that the tour guide on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion saw other times when he was doing the $110 Whale Watching Excursion ...

Yep....you guessed it Whales.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip! I'd live in Alaska in a heartbeat, if only I could figure out how to dress.. (One day it's tropical hot, the next day it's freezing ass cold!)

However I will warn you, Alaska cruises are geared toward old people. So if you decide to take one, better bring your own entertainment!

Where ya been Southern Chickie?

I have been on a cruise to Alaska.. So when I get back to work and find that I have 972 emails to weed thru, do I get right to work?

um NO!!

I check the blogs! I will post more details at a later time. It was a VERY INTERESTING TRIP!

Til then....

LIFE LESSON # 534,698

I have learned an important life lesson, the hard way, this past weekend.

Never talk to children when you’ve been drinking.

So Thursday night, I stumbled over to the neighbor’s house to retrieve my lovely princess from their pool. (Heck it was 10pm and a weeknight!) and found that ALL the little girls from the hood were swimming over there. As I am telling the kid to get her arse outta the pool and ‘come on’ she begins what is known as the bargaining technique..

The bargaining technique is used whenever a child wants something and is not within smacking distance….


Here’s how our little angel uses it:

A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? NO ONE ELSE IS LEAVING!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!

Me: Come on darling, it’s late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning. I just want to know that you are safe and in the house before I go to sleep. (And to myself, “And plus, I’m wearing a ratty old night gown, that’s totally see thru and no bra, therefore let’s get the heck out of dodge before the neighbor’s husband walks out.”)

A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!

Me: (To myself, “Oh crap, here he comes!! Hide Boobies! Don’t.stand.in.the.light..”) Come on darling! If you get out of the pool now (Right freaking now!) I’ll let you have a spend the night tomorrow.

A: Mu-wah wah!! Can ALL the girls come over?

Me: Ofcourse, now let’s run home. (To myself: RUN!!! Get your crap and MOVE IT!)

So guess who calls me at work the next day?

A: So we’ll be having 4 girls beside me, over tonight (Mu-wah wah!) Let’s order Pizza!!!

Me: Oh.kill.me.now..

Yep, 5 ten and eleven year old girls camped out at MY house, in the living room. Giggling, gossiping, singing, dancing, eating pizza, drinking all my sodas, pouting, PMSing till 7am the next day..

I have quit drinking.

4th of July..What no Rednecks!?!?!

So we went down to Lennox for the 4th of July. For those of you not in the know..It's in Buckhead, which is still Atlanta, only it's 'uptown Atlanta'.

Got a GREAT deal on a room! (Thanks to my homegurl K!) and spent the afternoon with the family, the neighbors, and another couple, sitting by the pool, watching the kids (7) argue, try to race eachother, outdive eachother, kill eachother, whine about being bored, and play. Our room was right next to the pool, so guess who got to sleep in 7 wet spots? (Thanks to 7 wet kids watching cartoons in our room!) Because, hey that's why we rented a room downtown, so you kids could sit inside and watch cartoons!

Actually the kids were pretty good, however I did have to have a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with my own spawn.. She's usually sweet, but her patience was sorely tested yesterday being around 6 (other) wild children all day.

The fireworks were good, but a little short due to the drought. We didn't have any of the drama that we'd had in previous years due to mixing alcohol and red necks. Dang it.

I also had a Dr's appt with the hunney on Thurs. They took us in together, which was kind of creepy. Which means that I totally didn't get the complimentary breast exam I so look forward to each visit. (I'm kidding, hunney...or am I?)

So anyway, I beg and take on, act pathetic, and plead, but only get 2 freaking prescriptions, meanwhile HE walks out with like 8. What is up with that! No Fair... I am much more sicker that he is. I even had a fever for Heaven's Sakes!!! Stupid Doctor.

So today, it's back at work for 1 whole day, and I am totally dying. I am sure that I was born to lie back in a reclining position, eating bons-bons, and watching soaps all day........

Weekend Update...

Ok, this is for the men out there…..


It’s definitely NOT ok to pass gas on public transportation.


Now on to other topics:

I had a nice weekend. It was pretty relaxing, which hardly ever happens!

Friday night – Tried to watch The Messengers, couldn’t, too scary, and it was dark out. (I got more phobias that Howard Hughes!)

Saturday, took the MIL shopping. Of course she brought along a 2 pairs of pants that she had bought somewhere at Christmas and wanted to return. She had no idea where she got them from, so she wanted to visit EVERY fricking store in the mall to find out. (She never found out.) We had a nice lunch (ok, I am lying, we went to IHOP) at 11am, because she was STARVING when I picked her up.

Didn’t talk about her bowel movements, so that was good. She only complained about:

1. The sharp pain in her arm.
2. The sharp pain in her side.
3. Excruciating Heartburn
4. Arthritis

So, she is obviously having a slow month, due to her excitement of going with us on a cruise next week. Ahhhh the romance of it all.. Just me, my hunney, MIL, and the kid, oh vey and the niece and her vegan Orthodox Jewish cousin.

I can’t wait to see what this poor girls eats……. if anything.

Anywho, the Mil insisted on buying me 2 tops while at the mall, because I am having birthday in a month and a half and HELLO! who am I to argue with a smart woman?

After the mall, I dropped Mil off at the old folks home, and took a nice hot bath in anticipation of dinner out with friends. (My dirty little habit...the ‘friends’ are internet posters from my county's website!) Met a lot of people I know on line, and had a nice meal. Of course I had to hold a gun to my husband’s head before we left, but as usual, he got into the evening, was charming and pleasant, so we had a nice time.

Sunday, I rode my bike on the trail for 7 miles. The darn bike has flat tires, and I was afraid to inflate them too much, so I basically rode my bike for 3.5 miles, and rested, walked, ran out of water, and dragged the damn bike for 3.5 miles.

Got home, and co-erced the poor clueless hunney into helping me with the grocery shopping. Kipnapped him to help me do the 3 min wash on the car, so now it’s cleaner inside and out. (Not immaculate mind you, just $3 dollar cleaner!)

Went to Sam’s, watched him freak out when he recognized people from his school. (OMG! OMG!! That’s the kid from …..er….where do I know that kid from?)

Then hit up Wally World, cause it you can't find it at Wally World, you don't really need it!

Came home. Had a visit from the 19 yr old boy, and watched The Messengers with him and the 10 yr old, in the middle of the day, with the blinds cracked, so the monsters wouldn’t get me! (I am a puss!)

So that’s my boring weekend in a nutshell…

Now it’s Monday… All I got to say is THANK YOU JESUS for the 4th of July!


Per the older son, Grandchild's new word is, "Hello, Hello, Hello" and she uses it CONSTANTLY.

Today is Friday..Yippie! Last week, I screwed myself out of the weekend because like a dummy I redid the bathroom. It looks GREAT (I totally could be a designer on a homemaker over show!) but I spent a darn weekend re-doing it.

So this weekend, I plan to go shopping. I need to dress for formal night on the cruise we’re taking next week. I hate to shop for dresses, because 1st of all, I have cankles, and I look like a lumberjack in a dress.

And formal night on a cruise ship reminds me of the prom. You spend a couple of hundred dollars on a dress that you only wear once, and your date can’t wait to rip off you at the 1st opportunity.
I have other dresses from other formal nights, but they look so freaking matronly. I think tomorrow before I go out to shop, I may slug back a couple of fo-tees (40oz beers) so that I will be in the right frame of mind to get a sexy dress….. that covers the cankles, while exposing my wonderful cleavage to the very best advantage.

Then, after shopping with MIL, I have to take her back to the old folks home, then rush home and get ready for my night out with my gossip buddies. Who are the GB’s you ask? Well, that’s a group of people who all subscribe to a website for our county. We all get on the site periodically during the day, to spread gossip, provide breaking news updates about what’s happening around the county (such as cow loose on Main Street, take alternate route), argue about silly stuff, and brag about our gardens, husbands, and children. It’s like the new age party line. I LOVE IT!
This will be my 2nd meet and greet, the other one was small, but this one is going to be about 15 or so people!! So I am really excited. WAHOO! I am dragging the hunney along for this one, since he is ALWAYS a great conversationalist, and whined when I went to the last and he didn’t. (Even though he said he didn’t want to go!)

Other that those 2 horrible exciting things, I really don’t have any other plans, other than to looks for a snowsuit for the little one to wear on her dog sled run next month. I haven’t seen that stupis snowsuit in years, so wish me luck!

Don’t hate me because my life is SO exciting. (I know, what-ev heifer!)

Herman Munster...

This goes out to the man who rides public transportation with me. So sorry to hear you’re getting a divorce. Now I know it’s none of my bees-wax, but heck man, when you have a booming voice like Herman Munster and you chatter about it on your cell phone, THE.ENTIRE.HOUR. that we’re stuck with you on the ride, one can’t help but hear your saga.

So you need to ‘steal’ your motorcycle back from the wife? Ever you ever thought about perhaps asking her for it? Call me crazy (no don’t, I’ll cut ya!) but me thinks she might just be holding it as a bargaining chip… What ‘cha got to trade?

Forevermore you’ll be known as Herman. Herman, BTW, it’s a small town we live in, you might want to lower your voice. After hearing you on the phone, talking about the ‘new’ friend. I think I might have a couple of bargaining chips myself.

I've had better conversation with goldfish....

So yesterday was Monday... Here I am standing at the smellavator with my lunch buddy getting ready to go to lunch. (Wahoo, Lunch!) When she casually mentions that the boss is going with us.

Wha?!?! The boss?!?! The one I.can't.quit.sucking.up.to.?

Yep.

Took a minute to register but lo and behold, then he walked up.

OK, this guy is SHY... He's nice, but being the boss meant that all conversations about fornification, drinking, and 'how sorry men are' was TOTALLY off limits.

Heck if you can't talk about those things, what can is there left to talk about?

Hence the title of this entry....

Stop me before I butt-kiss again!

What the hey… I have worked myself out of a job!! Since I have most inconveniently been sent to set at the (right hand of God) by the boss, I have been working like a total suck up…I am like that episode of when the Brady Girls met Davey Jones.

Geesh, he just asked me a question (as he came back from lunch and totally caught me playing Spider Solitare) and not only do I answer it, but I give the world's longest diatribe about nothing in particular. ARG!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!

Did I take my crazy meds today?? That usually shuts me up. I'll take another one, cause I ain't so sure, but D-A-M-N, I really need to simmer. Ofcourse if I take too many pills in one day, I'll lay in bed later and re-hash all the sucking up I did at work! Decisions, decisions.

So anyway, I have worked like a dog for 8 hours a day on stuff I used to work on for about an hour a day. (Hey, I like to pace myself!) It's not like I am a slacker, (OK, I totally am a slacker!) but this is a job that doesn't require a lot of brain power, so I have plenty of time to research "important" stuff on the net. Like Hollywood Gossip. Which starlet is really and truly preggers. (As it stands now, Christina A=Yes, Tom Cruise's Stepford Wife=No, Nicole I need to eat some candy Richie=Maybe), hone up my Spider Solitare skills so that I can go to Vegas and form a
tournament and totally win a million and read everyone's blogs.

But now that boss boy sits behind me, and apparently has a spring in his ass, and randomly pops up and by my desk about a zillion times a day, I can't get anything done, but work!!! What the hey! It doesn't help that I have a desktop monitor the size of a billboard. Gad!

In the last 4 days, I have :

Researched and updated all records in 4 different systems.
Cross checked billing records against 350 customers.
Cleaned out and Organized my email.
Updated and Organized my favorites.
Cleaned out and sorted my files in My Documents.
Organaized and planned ALL my workload thru July 31.
Cleaned my drawers out, and top of desk.
Cleaned fingerprints off billboard size monitor.
Defunked the crude off the phone where I now sit. (Miami CSI would have a field day with this thing!)

So I guess I will relegate my self to fricking updating my own blog on in Word, then convertly cutting and pasting it into the Blog………..and waiting on something to explode here at work so I will have some busy work.

Open Letter.......

Dear Friends,

This is an open letter to some people I know and some don’t know. Some people I know and wish I didn’t know…And some people I’ll never know, THANK YOU JESUS.

To my new buddy, thank you for regaling me with tales of your uterus while I am trapped for hours on end, on public transportation with you. Who knew that uteruses could be like combat zones, and the stories that you loudly tell would make so many people nauseated each time you screamed out the terrible tales of horror and tragedy regarding your uterus!

And thank you for all the interesting stories about your high schools days! I can’t remember my high school days, but I am sure they are nothing compared to all the things you told me about when you were in high school! Wow, you knew the football captain! And even better, HE KNEW YOU TOO! Hey, weren’t you in the band? I thought that band geeks and football jocks revolved on different planets! I racked my brain for like 3 minutes last night trying to remember the name of my football captain. I’m not even sure if we had a football at my school, but if we did, then the captains name would be something like Biff, or Jock or something. Who knows, who cares.

Also, you mentioned your “boney white ass”. Honey, your ass ain’t boney and don’t you let people tell you it is! As a matter of fact, I was standing behind you the other day, and it blocked out the sun. Go Figure.

Anyway, public transportation friend, I (cringe)look forward to seeing you everyday.

To the liars who run the public transportation. Thank you for consistently lying to me when I call you because the ride is 45 minutes late, and I am tired of standing out in the rain waiting to pay you my $2.00 bucks so that I can ride with Uterus, I knew the Football Captain in high school, girl everyday. Gosh, after crawling out of bed at 5am, and working 9 hours at the phone company, riding home is the HIGHLIGHT of my day. I especially enjoy the ride when the air isn’t working, and we have a full load of sweaty construction workers crammed in like sardines. Does ANYONE beside me wear deodorant? No?

To the girl I’ll never know on Marta. Now, nothing says I’m a professional, take me serious, like a outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood, and multicolored braids to your waist. Gurl, I’m just hating on you, ‘cause you looked like a porn star in that outfit and 5 inch heels. I bet you get a raise at work. I really enjoyed the ghetto blasting, rap crap coming from those headphones around your neck. Are your ears really on your neck, cause something on the side of your head was sporting some huge hoops! Nothing like 30 solid minutes of some baby daddy rhyming about “hot ho’s” and how he’s gonna “get him some”. I would have complimented you on your sense of style and choice of music, but I saw that you were busy reading a parenting magazine, and I was afraid you might “pop a cap in my ass”. I looked forward to not meeting you again.

To all the losers who think that their seat, and the seat next to them on public transportation is their birthright. Hey, it’s rush hour, and I know that you’re either a homeless bum, or a business man flying back from Jersey, but would it kill you to put your earthly treasures on the floor between you legs, and perhaps give that seat to the 60 yr old lady whose been standing on her feet all day at work?

To all the young men who do give us there seats to the little old ladies. You guys ROCK!! Your momma raised you well. You’ll go far in life, and in heaven. God smiles down on you when you give up your seat.

And lastly, to my bestest friend in the whole world. Thank you for regaling me with the terrible tragedy that was your day. After working all day, then standing in the rain for nearly an hour waiting on my ride home, I really look forward to hearing about the horrors of your day. It must be a real bitch getting up at 9am on a Tuesday, then having to spend all day (playing)working on your computer trying to book excursions for our cruise that is a full month away, and hey did I mention that the excursions can be purchased on the ship? Then horror of horrors! Having to get on i-tunes to help the little one purchase songs for her iPod. How do you make it thru the day?

I am sorry about not wanting to get bizy with you last night, but after hearing about the terrible day that you’d had. I felt that it might be better if you tried to rest and perhaps recover so that you could brace yourself for another horrible day of your 8 freaking week vacation. You poor dear! I know that the days are slipping by, and another school year is just around the corner, and I do sympathize that you’ll be back in school again before you know. Try to take it easy for the rest of June and July, honey I worry about you!

As for me, I’ll spend the summer, getting up at 5am, riding public transportation with all my ‘friends’, and working at the phone company….oh! and (bitching)blogging about it all!

Why Dr Atkins needs a kick in the butt...

So I have been on the carb diet for about 3 weeks now. How much weight have I lost you ask? 10lbs? 20 lbs? NO!! 7 itty bitty freaking fricking lbs. What up people! I am dying for some chocolate!! I swear...

Now on to other news....

Like when the heck is it gonna rain in Atlanta? I went out of town last week and it sprinkled every day I was there. But not a drop at my house. I think God has given up on me and sent me and my block to hell already. My yard is brown grass and dog turds. So decorative! So not Martha Stewart!

I'm baaaaaaaack!

It's been a long year. I am back in the wonderful East Tower at work, and back to blogging more regularly. If you remember from last years posts. I was moved to the West Tower at work, and had MAJOR restrictions on the internet due to the "zone" I was placed in. Well, I am back and WHOOPIE!!! I sure did miss ya'll!

So let's review the past year.....

My older son found a girl, then they had a girl. (See angelic pictures of my most adorable grandchild in previous posts.)

My oldest daughter got married and has stopped speaking to me or returning my phone calls for some reason. (Oh well, I am praying on that one!) He's a good man, and I hear they are happy, so I am happy for them both.. Now if, they'd just get bizy on some chillren!

I kicked my younger son out of the house. (Slacker wouldn't go to school or get a J-O-B!) I love him, but I gotta be hard momma on him. He now has a job, got his GED, and sleeps on the floor of his friend Larry's bedroom. (I feel so sorry for Larry's poor momma!) I told him that he could come back if he paid rent, but he is living free on the floor at Lar's, so he said no.

My little-ist girl finally got B's on her report card and proved to us that she is human afterall and not a robot sent to destroy all mankind.. Kidding, she's not going to take over the world, but she IS going to be President on the US someday.

My husband FINALLY got out of college, graduated Magna Cum Laude, whatever that is. He's teaching at a middle school and loving it. (He loves it because now he has a reason to compain even more!!) He was voted new teacher of the year, so Momma's very proud! I love my hunnie!!

I joined a gym, turned into a gym freak and lost 20lbs, then I went on a cruise and stopped going and gained 15 lbs back....dammit!

Did 3 courses on line for a college, and now have college credits!! Yippie. I want to get more classes and maybe do something different with my life, but then hunnie announced that he plans to go to college SOME MORE, so I guess I will have to work around his schedule.

Ok, now to the BAD NEWS...

My poor cousin died in March. He was only 40, but he has been sick for so long. I heard he was in the hospital for like 6 weeks before he died. So that was sad. His mom has 5 kids, and now 3 are dead. Bummer.

My only living grand parent died last week. My grandma. So sad. She had a stroke about a month ago, and we thought she was getting better, but then she up and kicked the bucket! I think I am most like her. (A little crazy....) I loved her so much...


Well, it's been a short year and a LLLLOOOONNNGG year too. Missed ya'll

Dogs are EVIL!!

So our annual 4th of July went off as usual. Let's see.... There was BBQ, Fireworks, Swimming, Drunkedness, and the usual FAMILY FEUD.. Same as always..Only one truly awful thing happened..... MY DEAD MOTHER'S DAMN DOG RAN OFF!!!

Stupid stupid be-aytch!!!

When my mom died 3 years ago, I gathered around the dog, with my brothers and we tried to figure out what to do with her untrained, groodey, stinking, flea infested, turd incrusted, stupid as dirt dog.

Brother # 1 - "I'll take if to the pound, but it ain't going in my car.

Brother # 2 - "Dur".. (not really, yes really.) "Well you can't use my truck, cause it ain't a running. (Yep, his cars NEVER run, and he REALLY talks like that.

Me - (Hysterical) "I can't believe ya'll want to kill the only thing in the world that made our momma happy! You guys are gonna burn for this! I'll take this beautiful dog, and love it as my own, and honor and cherish our mother's memory FOREVER!!! (or something close to that..)

So I packed up the little ungrateful, carpet pooping pooch, and took her smelly butt straight to the vet so that he could de-flea her, shave her and find out what the heck she really was, and check her for all kinds of nasty dog diseases! Then, I took the ungrateful mutt in, let her pee and poo all over my house til I got her trained, feed her treats constantly til she blew up like a hog, and loved her to death for the past 3 years.

HOW DOES SHE REPAY ME?????

She waits til we go out of town (and like the hillbillies we are, we took the dogs with us. ) She then proceeded to time her little escape until it was after midnight, with absolutely no moon in the sky, I was half drunk, was in the middle of no where, and had no shoes on... then when I let her out to pee, it was like someone had put a rocket on her butt, she started chasing my husband's van for dear life down a GRAVEL DRIVEWAY!! Did I mention, I had no SHOES ON!?!?!

Yep, I ran about 3 steps, stepped on a rock, and screamed, "I hope you die you ungrateful mutt"!! as she merrily ran toward the main highway thru town. Later, as my husband was coming back (around 3am thank you very much!) I told him, and you'd thought I had just told him that I'd killed all our children and burned down the house. He starts sniveling, gets teary eyed, and accuses me of "letting her run off". (He claimed he never said that,, but he totally DID!)

He then proceeded to spend the next 2 hours wandering thru the dark, calling out her name (Loud enough to wake the entire town of Philomath!) then comes in, man-cries a little more, vows that he will find her in the morning, and then tried to guilt trip me about "how scared she must be" and "how lonely she must be in the dark".

Meanwhile, I am utterly convinces the dumbdog is out getting her groove on with some huge Bulldog or Rottweiler and I start planning my next pet... (Less trouble, doesn't need to go to the vet...probably gonna get a pet rock or something.) Next morning, it was hours and hours of the same thing, wandering the back roads of Philomath, yelling for the dumbdog, and looking like complete morons.... All to no avail.

So we pack our stuff, and leave. My husband agonizing all the way home over the fate our "poor little dog". (Did I mention that he's a yankee from NYC, born and raised? Never had a pet growing up..)

Next day, he guilt trips me into calling the local newspaper and trying to put in a ad.I was thinking that it should go something like:"STUPID DOG - GONE!!! If you see it, kick it. Thank you very much."

But he wrote the ad, and it was much more descriptive. Something like: "Small black adorable dog. Missing in Town of Philomath. Cute, Adorable, Beloved family pet, if you see her, please put her somewhere safe, and give her lots of kisses and tell her Daddy is coming to get his precious little doggie"... or something along those lines.

Well, to make a VERY LONG story short.. Someone found dumb-dumb. She got bit by her big lover on the back, and my husband raced 2 and half hours back to Philomath to bring her to home. Took her to the vet and $160 dollars later, worthless is back, looking guilty as hell with bite marks on her back... LUCKY DOG!

Just another 4th of July...

Well Friends- It's that time again!!! going to Philomath for the 4th, again... If you don't know where that is, get yo map o' Georgia out, and a magnifying glass. You'll will find Phyllo Math in between Athens and Greensboro.

This is our 3rd year in a row meeting our friends out there at Momma and Diddy's house. I don't see how those poor people can stand seeing us every year, it seems we stay a little longer and bring more crap every time we go... (Bringing the dogs and company this year.) Sorry Ya'll. We sure do appreciate ya'll having us again!!

Stay tuned for the "aftermath" of Philomath.

I am PERFECT!!!!

Hello! My name is Sabrina!

And i t's not my fault, I'm perfect... I was born that way..

For example:

My parents think I am perfect:

My granny thinks I hung the moon:

And I did!! Because I AM PERFECT!!!

and

CUTE

and

ADORABLE

and

BRILLIANT.

Even when I don't try to be!!!

Like when I wear my cute little dress:

Even with my hair wet:

ADORABLE!!!!

Look into my eyes......

You are now under my spell of cuteness!!

Thank you for your time, if you don't agree that I am perfect......

I will BITE YOUR NOSE!!!

Dang the PHONE COMPANY... and other news

OK, for all you guys who thought I was dead....I practically am!!!! Here's what happened. I work for the "phone company"... and we have 2 lovely towers where I work. One tower, the East Tower, aka the "Party Tower" is where I worked until November 15th. The other tower, the West Tower aka the "Tower of Purgatory" is where I work now.

In the Party Tower, someone's always taking up a collection to buy a cake, or order out lunch for someone's birthday/ baby shower/just had a baby/"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that your momma passed on" party. I mean heck, there's a party like EVERY DAY at lunch. And when we wasn't partying, we were setting at our desk reading interesting blogs, and updating the world on our blog!

SoI got a new boss. Guess where he sets? Yep, Tower of Purgatory. At the Tower of Purg, we can't check our hotmail accounts, download good pictures of Ricky Martin in a Speedo, or read blogs OF ANY KIND!!!! Needless to say, my production is thru the roof, but I am totally out of the loop.

So here's the dirt in a nutshell....My dear Daughter moved to Jacksonville, and is making pottery at the Jewish Center? Why? Cause she can!!

My older son, has a new BABY!!!!! Yep, I'm a GRANDMOM finally!!!! Thank you Sweet Jesus!!!

Only the poor child looks like Condalezza Rice, and thinks like Ricky Martin so far.. But life is sweet so I am confident that that's all a changing soon. My Grandbaby lives in FREAKING WASHINGTON STATE SO FREAKING FAR AWAY!! so I haven't held her yet, but my son says he's coming in June with the family, or I will plan on going out there and kipnapping the precious little bug!!

The younger monster, er I mean son, is turning 18 in 2 weeks. So I am trying to organize a party, that won't be too gay or juvenile, but will mark the end of his childhood properly.

My littlest daughter, is still perfect, uptight and making straight A's. Did you expect anything less?

My husband is student teaching, and is 90% sure that he will be offered a job for next fall, at the school that he is teaching at. YIPPIE!!!! BRING ON THAT PAYCHECK!!!

Me... Well, I joined a gym. I'm still fat as crap, but getting muscles, and have discovered that it's all about the "core". Still working at the phone company, staying under the radar.

And that's about it for me... I solemnly promise to update my blog more often, like when I can get time on the home computer(which I can't because my darling husband is on it ALWAYS researching AKA "downloading porn" probably!) But I will try my best to update more often... and Dear Brother if you're reading this, HELLO DUMMY!!

Stay tuned for exciting upcoming Blog episodes like:
Why my Grand daughter is better than yours!
Why are the people at my gym so obsessed with my "core"?
My family in the hills, and all the people who are either sick or dying this month.
The phone company, will I ever get back to Party Tower, and I afford it?
Summer Weddings... better be happening with my 2 oldest children!!!

Oh and I got a digital camera for Christmas!!!! So stay tuned for pictures of:
The Cutest Baby in the World!!
The Cutest Kids in the World!!!
My Core!
and other random images, that no one really wants to see, but will.

Til then!

2 Chicks and a side of B eef

OK, I just had lunch with these 2 gorgeous chicks!! And B, "the boyfriend."

The one on the left? She's Mine!! (Lucky me!) and the one on the right, she's like mine!!

So this was my opportunity to meet B, my daughter's boyfriend, and while it's still fresh in my mind.. I just gotta give you "THE MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE".

Overall, I give B, 4 out a 5 lawn chairs!! I like him just fine, but he's dating my daughter therefore I must subtract a point for that!! haha.

See, my baby was born with a recessive gene. No tard's not that gene!! The one, that makes her smart beautiful and perfect. It's not her fault!! She was born that way... This makes her much too special for any man on earth...but I think B might be just about ok, in my book..

And in there lies another problem.... He's coming up on the dreaded 6 month mark!! And if you know my girl, then you know about the 6 month curse!!!!! Yes, I did mention it at lunch and I do apologize for that! (Funny, but in bad form..) See my child grows easily bored with the mere mortal man, because, well.. they're all so dull... So after a couple of months, the embers start to cool, she stays at the office later and later, more outings with the girls, less dates with the guy, excuses not to see you, because for the love of all things holy, YOU ARE FRAKING SMOTHERING ME LIKE A DAMN HASHBROWN AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE, and oh yea is it asking to much if I take a pee and you don't stand outside the door like a freaking puppy!?!?!

I mean, hell the poor girl can't help it. She's a goddess, and all men adore her!! But B is different... It's been almost 6 months, and we haven't heard

THE

FIRST

PEEP...

Not one complaint, nothing. AND he seems to have his head on straight. I mean usually by this time, my lovely daughter usually has her man whipped into submission, carrying her purse, well you get the idea. Not this one though....

He's got a little back bone in him, and he's kind of funny too! I like that!

So....what if? This goes on for 6 months?!?! And then they sign on for another 6 months?!?!? then another, and heck maybe they GET MARRIED!?!?! OH NO!

Then they have children!?!?!? NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!

DAHLINKS!!! I am too young for z grandkids!

But if you think about B... He's got good hair, but not too much hair like a Neaderthal. He's tall, but not too tall, like Andre the Giant, and he's not fat, and not too skinny, so their children won't be thin like little starving Ethiopians..

So, combine B's attributes with my child's dazzling good looks and brilliance... and my grandsons would turn out like this:

Only less gay, hopefully..

And the grand daughters might be alot like this:

Only not as homely... (Just kidding Condaleeza, don't bomb my house..)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. For heaven's sake, their only dating!!!

But just in case, I just ordered this t-shirt!!

Atlanta Mayoral Results are IN!!!!!

So even though I don't live in ATL, I work in ATL, and gurl I LOVE ME SOME SHIRLEY FRANKLIN!!! She's just been elected as Atlanta 1st FEMALE Mayor of the ATL, AGAIN!!!!

OK, here's her story. This sister never NEVER held an elected post before winning the mayor's race!! She was the master mind behind the scene of Atlanta guvment all these years. She probably sat her at little desk in the corner of the mayor's office. Quietly typing memo's, eating lunch at her desk, making coffee, making copies...Well, you get the picture!! In fact, while she was doing all that, she was probably also watching, and waiting, taking minutes at all those meetings, reading every memo, and copy that was flung so carelessly into her in-box....waiting and learning, watching and dreaming...

Then one day......

Her time came!! (No not that time that comes, every month, THE BIG TIME!!)

Ladies and Germs, I proudly present to you

ATLANTA's FIRST FEMALE MAYOR!!

Look closely at the above picutre. Tell me, what do you notice? There's something about our gurl Shirley, hmmm, that I've never seen on any other Mayor....

Hmm,,,, What is it? Let me think........OH!!!!!

THE FLOWER!!!!!!!!

Our very own Mayor has started the latest Fashion Trend in Atlanta, Again!

Here's a shot of her campaign photo as evidence!

In this picture, Shirley is saying,"I want to be your mayor!" and "Look into the flower!!!! Look into the flower!! You're getting very sleepy...You WILL vote for ME for mayor of Atlanta!!!"

Here's another pic of Atlanta's Pride and Joy!!

OK, bitches, how many Mayors do you know who are concerned enough about the environment to not only plant a tree, but to also manage to co-ordinate her chest flower and gloves to the plants in the park!!! Can your mayor do that?

Or about bout this??? Can your mayor dance?!?! Shirley Can!!

She ROCKS!!!

Now as you know, being Mayor of Atlanta is not all about fun and game, sometimes Shirely has not bring the hammer down....

I like to call this her "Watch chu talking about Willis!" look.

Then there's the

"Don't make me come down there and bitch slap your ass" look. Every now and then Shirley has to pull that look out of her bag of tricks to bring the water department back in line.

But Shirley is also a Patron of the workers!

Like...

Now, I don't know who this girl is with Shirley, but she's definitely had some work done!

Shirley also luvs the chilren!!

"OK, little girl..Don't stand in front of my flower, or I will fire your momma's ass." I don't care if she has worked for the city for 20 years, and needs this job to support her 5 children.. DON'T STAND IN FRONT OF MY FLOWER, DAMMIT!!!"

But life as Mayor of Atlanta isn't all about fun and games...

Like the time, Shirley had to fill in that pothole....

"Dammit, this is ruining my heels!!!'

Then there was the time that awful man stole her chest flower!

He was so slick about it, she didn't even realize that he took it til it was too late!!! She thought he was just trying to get him a little sumthing sumthing...

So that night she had to go to the ball...

WITH OUT

HER

PRECIOUS

FLOWER!

OH MY!!

But being the resourceful mayor that she is, Shirley manages to make the best of an awful situation. She just brought out that favorite fashion accesory every girl uses when in a pinch...

THE MAYORAL BOOB!

So after the horrible flower perpertrator was finally apprehended, Shirley decided to get some security on that flower. (Can you blame her?!)

hmmm. He's kinda cute in a Captain Kangaroo sort of way.. Might need me some security..

And here's a picture of our Mayor with her undercover security entourage. Uh no honey, not the guy on her right, he's her floral designer!

So as you see our Mayor is a fashion icon. I am just so thankful that it's the flower that she brought back, and not

LEG WARMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

Shirley, Gurl I love you something awful, I wouldn't change anything about you!

except maybe that hair.