Alaska Cruising....

And for your your viewing pleasure....


Things I saw in Alaska!


Yea, there's a whale in this picture. See him? No? That's because he's UNDERWATER! Duh!

Things we were told we'd see on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion...

Things that the tour guide on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion saw other times when he was doing the $110 Whale Watching Excursion ...

Yep....you guessed it Whales.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip! I'd live in Alaska in a heartbeat, if only I could figure out how to dress.. (One day it's tropical hot, the next day it's freezing ass cold!)

However I will warn you, Alaska cruises are geared toward old people. So if you decide to take one, better bring your own entertainment!

Dogs are EVIL!!

So our annual 4th of July went off as usual. Let's see.... There was BBQ, Fireworks, Swimming, Drunkedness, and the usual FAMILY FEUD.. Same as always..Only one truly awful thing happened..... MY DEAD MOTHER'S DAMN DOG RAN OFF!!!

Stupid stupid be-aytch!!!

When my mom died 3 years ago, I gathered around the dog, with my brothers and we tried to figure out what to do with her untrained, groodey, stinking, flea infested, turd incrusted, stupid as dirt dog.

Brother # 1 - "I'll take if to the pound, but it ain't going in my car.

Brother # 2 - "Dur".. (not really, yes really.) "Well you can't use my truck, cause it ain't a running. (Yep, his cars NEVER run, and he REALLY talks like that.

Me - (Hysterical) "I can't believe ya'll want to kill the only thing in the world that made our momma happy! You guys are gonna burn for this! I'll take this beautiful dog, and love it as my own, and honor and cherish our mother's memory FOREVER!!! (or something close to that..)

So I packed up the little ungrateful, carpet pooping pooch, and took her smelly butt straight to the vet so that he could de-flea her, shave her and find out what the heck she really was, and check her for all kinds of nasty dog diseases! Then, I took the ungrateful mutt in, let her pee and poo all over my house til I got her trained, feed her treats constantly til she blew up like a hog, and loved her to death for the past 3 years.

HOW DOES SHE REPAY ME?????

She waits til we go out of town (and like the hillbillies we are, we took the dogs with us. ) She then proceeded to time her little escape until it was after midnight, with absolutely no moon in the sky, I was half drunk, was in the middle of no where, and had no shoes on... then when I let her out to pee, it was like someone had put a rocket on her butt, she started chasing my husband's van for dear life down a GRAVEL DRIVEWAY!! Did I mention, I had no SHOES ON!?!?!

Yep, I ran about 3 steps, stepped on a rock, and screamed, "I hope you die you ungrateful mutt"!! as she merrily ran toward the main highway thru town. Later, as my husband was coming back (around 3am thank you very much!) I told him, and you'd thought I had just told him that I'd killed all our children and burned down the house. He starts sniveling, gets teary eyed, and accuses me of "letting her run off". (He claimed he never said that,, but he totally DID!)

He then proceeded to spend the next 2 hours wandering thru the dark, calling out her name (Loud enough to wake the entire town of Philomath!) then comes in, man-cries a little more, vows that he will find her in the morning, and then tried to guilt trip me about "how scared she must be" and "how lonely she must be in the dark".

Meanwhile, I am utterly convinces the dumbdog is out getting her groove on with some huge Bulldog or Rottweiler and I start planning my next pet... (Less trouble, doesn't need to go to the vet...probably gonna get a pet rock or something.) Next morning, it was hours and hours of the same thing, wandering the back roads of Philomath, yelling for the dumbdog, and looking like complete morons.... All to no avail.

So we pack our stuff, and leave. My husband agonizing all the way home over the fate our "poor little dog". (Did I mention that he's a yankee from NYC, born and raised? Never had a pet growing up..)

Next day, he guilt trips me into calling the local newspaper and trying to put in a ad.I was thinking that it should go something like:"STUPID DOG - GONE!!! If you see it, kick it. Thank you very much."

But he wrote the ad, and it was much more descriptive. Something like: "Small black adorable dog. Missing in Town of Philomath. Cute, Adorable, Beloved family pet, if you see her, please put her somewhere safe, and give her lots of kisses and tell her Daddy is coming to get his precious little doggie"... or something along those lines.

Well, to make a VERY LONG story short.. Someone found dumb-dumb. She got bit by her big lover on the back, and my husband raced 2 and half hours back to Philomath to bring her to home. Took her to the vet and $160 dollars later, worthless is back, looking guilty as hell with bite marks on her back... LUCKY DOG!

Just another 4th of July...

Well Friends- It's that time again!!! going to Philomath for the 4th, again... If you don't know where that is, get yo map o' Georgia out, and a magnifying glass. You'll will find Phyllo Math in between Athens and Greensboro.

This is our 3rd year in a row meeting our friends out there at Momma and Diddy's house. I don't see how those poor people can stand seeing us every year, it seems we stay a little longer and bring more crap every time we go... (Bringing the dogs and company this year.) Sorry Ya'll. We sure do appreciate ya'll having us again!!

Stay tuned for the "aftermath" of Philomath.

Cruise Notes

Ok, I had forgot about this one, but it was so darn cute that I gotta tell ya.

Every night of the cruise, there were shows on board. Vegas style entertainment. Nearly Naked Dancers, Comedians, Magicians, etc..etc..

So on the night that they had the magician, he brought up 3 little kids to help him do a magic trivck. He was going to saw this one kid's head off, and the other 2 children were suppose to catch it so that it didn't roll off stage. (I know, yuck.. but sooo funny!!) There were to little boys about 7 and 10, and a little girl.

So the magician put the collar around the old boy's neck, and had the other 2 children hold out their hands.....to catch the head.

The little girl was a little skinny black kid. Just as cute as could be. Had on her Sunday Best dress, and little white shoes. You could tell Momma had taken some time with her hair too. She was just perfect!!

So the magician gets ready to do his trick and asks the little girl, "What's the magic word?"

She looks at him straight in the eyes, real sweet and shy, and says, "Pleeeeaaaasssseee?"

The crowd went wild..................................................................

She's Baaaaacccckkk!!!!

I went on vacation last week. Wahoo!

I went on a cruise! Big Wahoo! A Carnival Cruise!

It was great. No, this isn't my 1st cruise, (nor my last) and yes, I know that Carnival is the cruise of the the "low class" peoples. But guess what?!?!? I lucked out on this cruise. I took the Carnival Glory! It's a NEW HUGE BEAUTIFUL boat. Unlike my other 2 Carnival Cruises which were rather old boats and a little worn. (Think Blackbeard's Pirate Ship)

This ship has GREAT ROOMS!! With big shiny white down comforters and down pillows. I am so damn lazy that I spent the majority of the cruise sacked out in bed. But, when I was up and outta my cabin, I did have a great time. Shows, Karoake, Eating, Drinking (lots!), Gambling, going to 3rd world countries to buy overpriced souvenirs, etc.. etc..

I also found out some very interesting things about my family on this cruise, also.

1.) My poor husband is whooped. Whenever there was any arguments or pouting or tears, he would just hang his head and get the faraway gaze in his eyes.. (I'll explain later..)

2.) A ship that holds 3,500 passengers and 1,500 crew members is too small, when it comes to my family.. Example - My little girl and I were at each others throats most of the time, I saw my son on various occasions trying to act cool (unsuccessfully!), making out with random girls, gambling, etc.. etc.. I saw my mother in law ALL OVER the damn place, talking to strangers and eating desserts (which I hear diabetics are suppose to do!)

3.) My Mother-in-Law takes FOREVER in the bathroom and goes about 10 million times a day AND expects me to wait while she goes!

4.) My little Daughter is trying to de-throne the Queen of all Things Bitchy and Evil! (Me) Poor little thing, I love her so, because she's me made over. I just wish that I had the brains that kid has when I was her age. I would have been ruler on the universe by now!!!

She, Daddy and I shared a room, and by the end of the cruise, my poor husband was curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room, sucking his thumb.. She and I argued, complained and pouted at eachother most of the time. It seems that we're both madly in love with the same man (no, dude - not is that sick way!!) And having him trapped in a room with the both of us for the entire week, was just about more than he could handled. haha!! I love MEN!!

It's so funny, when ever 2 female argue, there's almost always tears or pouting, and if a man sees tears, he's like, " It's the end of the world!!!" Ofcourse to the females who are arguing, it's just normal, cause that's how we communicate, when we are trying to make our point.

Guys on the other hand, they belch in eachothers face or fart on a pillow to show that they don't agree with eachother.

Once we got home from the cruise, me and little sissy were back to normal. We love eachother but we know that we definitely both need our space.

I don't even know why I am mentioning this. I guess because my poor husband had to listen to all our bitching. AND on a brighter note - (Really this is good news!)

I TURNED 40!!!!! last week

Why is this good news you ask? (Yes, you over there in the corner) Well heck, everyday that you wake up and you're still alive is a great thing! I rather be fat and forty than thin, twenty and dead!!

How about you?

Then there was Sunday...

As you will soon figure out, we did alot of traveling (and partying) over the weekend of the 4th.

Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)

So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.

John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town mentality..cool.) So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.

So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.

So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)

So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.

John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."

Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!

Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."

Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)

So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.

As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!