Me and Alli go to the Legion!

Sorry this is a loooong post, but it was a looong night.........

So I got invited to a party...at the Legion. I know, Klassy, right? It was a birthday party, with cake, therefore attendance was mandatory. As I was frantically rummaging thru my closets looking for an (in)appropriate outfit to wear, Alli comes strolling in.
Alli: What's the plan for tonight fatty?
Me: er, nothing! Just going to a bible study at the church!
Alli: So they allow halter tops at church now? I must have missed that sermon.
Me: haa haa, I'm TOTALLY going to wear a sweater over it...
Alli: So what you wearing over the mini-skirt? A tent?
Me: um, I'm actually wearing leggings under that!
Alli: Oh yea, that's still in style...if you're 8....and live in a trailer park.(as she moves up behind me and starts twisting my arm!)
Me: Ow!!! Alright alright, it's a party!!! I'm going to party!!! and you're totally NOT invited!
Alli: (twisting harder) What? I don't think I hear you clearly Shamu. Say it in english.
Me: Ok, you can go,...(mumble mumble) it'll be fun...

So I got dressed. I am not sure if ya'll are aware, but there a strict dress code for the ladies at the Legion. It involves the use of spandex, outfits that accentuate your cleavage, fake tans, and tons of Aqua Net. So Alli and I had our work cut out for us..
Me: (Standing in front of the bathroom mirror) Alli, can you please tease it up a little higher?
Alli: Sure, I thought this was a birthday party not a costume party, Marie Antoinette.
Me: OK, just another can of Aqua Net.(spray, spray, spray) Alli, shouldn't you take that cigarette out of your mouth while I'm spraying this?
Alli: Nah, it'll be fine.
My Hair: Pouf!!!

So anyway, we got ready. I decided since it was going to be at the Legion, I ought wear something fancy, so I wore my Dolly Parton costume from last year's Hall-o-weenie Roast. Alli was wearing brown, as usual. So we grabbed our purses and hit the door. Just when we got to the car, I had a flash of brilliance!
Me: Alli, you totally have something on the back your pants.
Alli: (flipping around back and forth trying to look at it) Where?
Me: There, on the back. What is that? Man it looks bad!
Alli: I better go change. Hang on.
Me: (grinning ear to ear) I'll be riiiight here...

So Alli goes back into the house to change. I make like Bo and Luke Duke and dive thru the window and try to start the car!
Me: Oh mercifulheavens. Crank!! Crank Dammit CRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(pounding on steering wheel)
Alli: (standing at the door holding the battery cables) Oh, that was a good one. You're totally gonna pay for that later....

So after we put all the parts back on the car. I drive off, with Alli riding shotgun, and go to the Legion. We get in and are immediately swarmed by elderly, lonely Legionnaires. I mean, I was rockin hawt and all!
Legionnaire #1: Hey purty little lady, you're a cool drink of water. Lemme buy you a drink!
Me: Gee thanks! That's be great! (while giving Alli the finger)
Legionnaire #1: (facing Alli) Would your chubby friend like a drink too? (glancing at me.)
Alli: Don't mind if I do!
Legionnaire #1 then falls off his barstool, wets his pants and falls asleep.

So I decide (or rather Alli DECIDES) that we oughta stay away from those high caloric alcohol beverages and check out the party. So we walk to the other room and Man was that place rocking!! They had a band and everything!
Alli: Great Music, Let's dance!
Me: What?
Alli: I SAID LET'S DANCE! IT WILL BURN OFF SOME CALORIES, and the Good Lord knows you need to do that.
Me: WHAT!!
Man standing beside me: Who are you talking too?

So Alli grabs me by that arm and drags me out on the dance floor. I was sooo embarrassed because no one else was dancing. But they were playing the Electric Slide and that's Alli favorite dance, so....
Alli: Dear Lord, you WERE born with 2 left feet.
Me: Alli that's mean! I am just out here to humor you!
Alli: Well, dance over there and act like you don't know me, that will humor me more.
Me: Ok whatever. (as I waltz away)
Hot Guy #1 : Why is that fat chick dancing and talking herself?
Hot Guy #2: (pointing at me) Her? Dude, I think she's having a seizure.
Hot Guy #3 (wincing) Quick! Stop pointing before she sees you and latches on? She's a freak!
Me: (waving and gesturing frantically at Hot Guy #2) OMG! OMG! Allie, that guy over there is TOTALLY flirting with me!!
Hot Guy #1,2, and 3: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, 3 or 4 hours later...
Me: Alli, can we sit down now? Nobody else is dancing and I'm getting hungry.
Alli: Is that the Macarena I hear!! Shake that money maker fatty!
Me: (sobbing and falling to the floor) Wah!!! These shoes are killing my feet!
Alli: Oh alright drama queen! Why'd you wear those CFM pump's anyway?
Me: (eagerly dragging Alli by the arm over to the food buffet) Let's eat!!
Alli: I'm not hungry and you're fat.
Me: PLEASE PLEASE I'll be good!!!! I promise!
Alli: You better.

So we split up and go to fix our plates. Alli just got a plate of carrot sticks, so she sat down at the table previously occupied by the Hot Guys. I wonder what ever happened to them?
Me: (heaving 3 plates of delicious goodness over to my chair)
Alli: For the love of Free Willy, girl. Did you leave any food on the buffet?!?!?
Me: Well, I thought I'd fix a plate for the guy who was flirting with me earlier!
Alli: Oh, you mean the one who ran away screaming like his hair was on fire when he saw you waving at him?
Me: Yea, that one. He likes me, we bonded. I can tell. Want some ranch for those carrot sticks?Alli: (delicately biting a carrot stick)No, thank you
Me: (drinking the ranch dressing out of a cup) Man, this stuff is good!
Alli: Gurl, you need to step away from that cup or you're totally gonna regret it!
Me: I just hate to see food to go waste.
Alli: You haven't seen your waist since Junior High.

So we ate our food. Well I ate my food, and the Hot Guy's food, while Alli glared at me. Then, when I saw that she had lost her appetite, I ate her carrot sticks!
Me: Yea, they're cutting the cake. Want me to get you a piece?
Alli: You ain't eating cake, fatbutt and no ofcourse I don't want a piece of cake!
Me: Just one piece. One itty bitty little piece!
Alli: I will make you regret it.
Me: (totally ignoring Alli while gazing lovingly at the cake) One teeny weeny , itsy bitsy little piece.
All: iWhatever. You'll pay later.

So I go over and get a piece of cake.
Allie: Um...What are you doing?
Me: (smiling, holding up my piece of cake) Getting me a piece of cake! Like you said I could!
Alli: That's the entire cake, they haven't cut it yet dummy.
Me: My bad. (runs to put cake back on table)
Lady at Cake Table: (holding knife with confused look) Are you talking to someone dearie?

So anyway, after enduring the world's longest version of Happy Birthday to You, I finally got a piece of cake. Boy was it ever yum!Then after the all that food, and cake, 6 glasses of wine, 3 mixed drinks, and 9 beers, Alli thought it would be a good idea to dance some more.
Alli: (pulling me by my hair) Get your fat a$$ out there and dance off some of that blubber!!
Me: Ow ow ow!So anyway, we danced.

And finally around 1 AM, some really nice Legionnaires that me and Alli met at the bar decided to dance with us! First there were 2 brothers. I'm not sure how old they were but they did say that they both fought in WW2. Their names were Mr. Bartles and the other one was Mr. James. They were soooo nice. But it seemed like they only wanted to dance with Alli. They were kinda dirty dancing with her, you know, grinding on her and stuff. But she really seemed not to notice.

So, I was stuck dancing with Mr. Pepperidge. He was nice too, though. He said he had fought in the war with the Bartles & James brothers and some guy named Jack Daniels. Anyway after the war was over, Mr. Pepperidge bought a farm and lived there until his mean kids put him in the nursing home. Boy he sure was a talker, aa dancer too! Although he really couldn't do all the moves, cause he was using a walker and his pants kept falling down. But anyway.
Alli: (glancing slyly at Mr. Pepperidge) He thinks you're hot..
Me: (gazing adoringly at Mr. Pepperidge) You think I'm pretty?!
Mr. Pepperidge: Honey everyone's pretty at 2am!! But there seems to be 2 of you, which one should I dance with?
Me: I love you!! Let's keep dancing!
Mr. Pepperidge: Oops I think I just pooped my pants.
Me: Don't worry about it, happens all the time to me!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, it was like lightning had struck me in the gut!!! I started writhing in pain, bending over, and clutching my stomach. It was the most horrible pain I'd ever had, since that Baby Shower last year. I totally thought I was dying!!!!!
Mr Pepperidge: (waving a dollar bill) That's right work it baby! Shake it for Daddy!
Alli: Ha ha! Told you, you'd be sorry.
Me: Bathroom, now!

So I ran like my a$$ was on fire, which it really was, to the bathroom, and that is where my Hub found me when he came to pick me up.
Hub: (to the bartender) I'm here to pick up my wife. You called?
Bartender: I sure did. You came just in the nick of time too. We called the Sheriff's too. They're on their way too.
Hub: (shrugs)So..where's she at?
Bartender: (pointing)See that brown trail on the dance floor? She's at the other end of that.
Hub: (sighs)Dear Lord, give me strength.
Bartender: Please remind your wife, when she sobers up, that she's still banned from the Legion AND she doesn't even have a membership here.

And that's where the Hub found me. In the Men's Room, sitting on a trashcan and puking in the urinal.
Hub: Dear Lord..help me.
Me: BLEH!!!
Alli: Ha ha! Told ya, dumb a$$!
Me: (puking/pooping/crying/screaming) YOU'RE A BIZ-ACTH I HATE YOU!!!
Hub: Baby, who are you talking too?

So anyway, when we got home that night Alli locked me in the bathroom ALL NIGHT as punishment for eating all those calories. I was in there until dawn. Then she said that she thought I'd learned my lesson and let me out.

On the bright side, my husband is starting to talk to me again. He says he can't afford to divorce me, and he got me an application to the VFW!! AND Alli is going on Spring Break with some co-eds she met. She says they need her.

And like they say, when the cats away, the mouse will play......

CAN YOU SAY EASTER CANDY!!!

Movie Review: Knowing, ...I wished I'd known before I wasted $20 bucks.

So the hub secretly worships all things Nicolas Cage. Ask him which actor he likes best and he'll tell you, "Oh I like Al Pacino, or Marlon Brando (or any other tool in The Godfather)', but he really wants to get a wonky eye, and hair plugs just like his secret boyfriend Nicco.. So he begged me to go see this movie with him last Sunday. Yea, that was 2 hours that I'll never get back.

So the trailer of the movie makes you think that Nicolas Cage has a set of numbers that will tell him when the end of the world is, so he can do alot of manly stuff and then save the world. The trailer is nothing like the movie....The movie starts out showing a little girl staring at the sky like a loon, while other kids are playing on the playground in 1959. Right away, you know that the poor kid is a loser. Let me give you a real life comparison. When I was in 6th grade we had this little boy named Wade in our class. Now Wade was a little pale kid with red hair and freckles, but he wanted to be a gangster worse than anybody I ever met.

So Wade spent all his time wearing skin tight maverick jeans and writing on his body with ink pens. One day, he'd write L-O-V-E across one knuckle and H-A-T-E across the other. Or he'd write some random name like Ethel on his arm. He'd flex his skinny white arm in my face until I'd groan and say, "Who's Ethel?: and he'd tell me it was his grandmother and how she was dead and blah blah blah.. So since no one was duly impressed, Wade had to up his game. So when we all had to go out and buy protractors for math, Wade started carving his arm. His carving cursive really sucked compared to his mad ink skillz. He'd come to school looking like he'd been attacked by a pole cat, and flex those pale arms in my face, until I'd sigh, and say, "What happened to your arm Wade?", then he'd proudly point to his bloody arm and say, "It says Wade, man it hurt like hell." Then he'd wince and look over his shoulder to make sure the teacher didn't hear him say the H word.

One day, Wade really upped the anty and brought a rat in a mayonnaise jar into school. A big rat. A small jar. It was brown. He'd caught the rat at his grandma's house. Dead Grandma Ethel... Creepy. Our teacher Mrs. Bornhauser was about 3 cigs away from a fatal heart attack, but she was cool about the rat. She said, "Um Wade, I'm gonna need you to put that thing in your desk. AND DON'T LET IT LOOSE!!" Wade being the little stud he was, said, "But I wuv him."

I never found out what happened to Wade, but I did see his picture on the DOCC website for convicted felons, so I guess he turned out ok.

So anyway back to the movie, this poor little girl, her name was Lucinda, and she was a loser with a capitol L, poor thing. So she's in 5th grade, and all the kids hate her, cause she's like Sissy Spacek in Carrie. So the lame school she goes to gets the brilliant idea to make a time capsule and have all the kids draw a stupid picture of what they think 2009 will be like and stuff it in the capsule. Right away, you can tell that although Lucinda is a loser, she's a heck of a lot smarter than all those other dumb kids in her class. Case in point. All these kids are in 5th grade, and they draw pictures using CRAYONS. I mean really! I know it was 1959, but heck, couldn't they have atleast used color pencils or something. And the pictures were so lame it was like my dog Pedro had drawn them, and he doesn't even have thumbs!

So loser Lucinda chose the high road, and decided to just go on a little acid trip and draw numbers, WITH A PENCIL, on her paper instead. Well the teacher, being the jealous bi-aitch that she was (Jealous of Lucinda's smarts, and her future ability to probably get laid unlike Miss Prissy Pants teacher) was like all, "Lucinda! Time's up! Give me that paper!" and then snatches it off poor Lucinda's desk. Total bi-aitch move.

Well Lucinda was pissed, so while Miss Prissy Pants takes the entire school outside to put their lame pictures in the stupid time capsule, Lucinda goes to the broom closet in the school basement to sneak a smoke, and finish writing her numbers. When she got there, she discovered that she had forgot her pencil, AND HER CIGS, so she just wrote the rest of numbers on the door in her own blood. (I bet Wade would totally do this!)

So then, when whoever produced this pile of crap movie got tired of ragging on Lucinda, the movie suddenly switches to 2008, and you see Nicolas Cage's huge fake hair covered head on the screen. This is when you realize the Nicolas Cage ain't got it no more, cause if he was still hot, he'd be playing a college student, and not a loser College Professor, which was sad. Remember the Paper Chase with Ryan O'Neal back in the 70's? Well Nicco looked like Ryan O'Neals college professer, and not Ryan O'Neal in that show. You know the old man, the 60 year old who wore the ugly corderouy jacket with the arm patches? That's Nicolas Cage.

So anyway Nicolas Cage is teaching a class and it was soo boring that I started counting the popcorn kernals in my bag. Then the movie switches to Nicco cooking weeney's for his kid, in the dark, in the middle of winter, outside, in the freezing cold. You can tell this kid hates him cause he won't eat the weeneys and goes back in the house. This is about the time that you find out that Nicolas Cage's wife thought he was such a douchebag that she started a fire in a hotel room and killed herself just to get away from Nicolas Cage. Now that's what I call serious hatred.

Anyway, Nicolas Cage is all up in his kid's gravy every chance he gets, and tries to be all funny and witty and happy, so the kid just goes to bed. So when the kid goes to bed, he starts hearing whispering, and stuff and he freaks. (wouldn't you?) So I don't know what happened next cause this is about the time that Hub started whining about having popcorm grease all over his hands. Hmmm, pour a gallon of butter over your popcorn then wonder why it's greasy? Yes, this is the brilliance of Hub.

Then the sad little kid goes to school and they open the stupid time capsule, and Nicolas Cage is such a tool that he gets to school late and almost misses his sad kid singing a song with all the other kids. Then they let all the kids pull a envelope out of the time capsule and ofcourse all the dumb kids are like vultures on crack, all freaking out trying to get an envelope, like maybe the drawings are made out of acid and they'll get high if they lick them, or something. So that leaves Nicolas Cage's sad kid with GUESS WHO'S envelope?!?! Yep, poor Lucinda's. Wow, I never seen that one coming...

Then Nicolas Cage and his sad kid go home, and Nicolas Cage does something stupid and pisses the kid off again. So the kid goes to bed, and Nicolas Cage gets drunk and starts 'seeing' things in Lucinda's paper, so he stays up all night writing on a white board, sniffing markers. Then the next morning he takes a picture of the white board to his tool friend at college and starts trying to freak him out about the numbers. His friend thinks he's stupid just I did.

So Nicolas Cage goes out and finds the teacher, Miss Prissy Pants, and starts freaking out on her about who is Lucinda?, what happened to Lucinda?, reckon she'd put out? So yes I too was shocked that Miss Prissy Pants was still alive, but apparently that's God's punishment for being a prude, you never get laid and you live forever.So Miss PP gives Nic the address of Lucinda, and Nicolas Cage being the total douche bag that he is goes ripping over there and sees a hot young wench getting in a car with her own Loser Lucinda. He then uses his spidey abilities and instantly knows that this is Lucinda's kid, and grandkid.

So like a total stalker he makes his sad little kid lay out of school and then proceeds to drags the poor sad kid all over town, stalking COL (Child of Lucinda) and her kid. Finally he makes his sad little boy go talk to her sad weird girl and through the kids, Nicolas Cage starts trying to horn in on COL. You'd think he's just trying to get laid, but NO, he wants to talk to COL about Lucinda! So she gets mad, cause being the suave guy he is, Nicolas Cage starts talking about what a crazy bi-atch Lucinda was. (Oh yea, that's how to win her over!)

Then for some reason, some really pale albino gay guys in turtle necks start chasing the sad little boy, and COL losing her mind, breaks down and drags her weird kid over the Nicolas Cage's house. Then her and Nicolas Cage think it's a grand idea to drag the kids out for a drive to poor dead Lucinda's trailer home out in the middle of the woods, on a school night, after midnight, with the world's smallest flashlight. So he and COL get to the trailer, the poor kids are passed out in the back seat, and being the responsible parents that they are, Nicolas Cage and COL leave the kids in the car, go into the trailer and create lots of sexual tension without doing anything sexual.

They just wander around in the dark in Lucinda's piece of crap trailer. That trailer reminds me of a guy I used to go 'visit' back when I was single and dumb. He was such a loser that I refused to take him out anywhere public, but he did have his skillz, so I'd go over to his trailer, when there was nothing else to do. Well anyway that was LONG before the Hub.

So Nicolas Cage and COL are in the trailer, the kids are passed out in the back seat in the dead of the night, in the freezing cold, on a schoolnight, and here come the Albino Gay Guys in turtle necks, trying to get the kids. Being the good parents that they are, ofcourse the car doors were not lock. So the kids are freaking out, ecspecially sad boy, but being the billiant child of Nicolas Cage he doesn't have the sense to lock the car doors, so finally the little girl starts blowing the car horn and the abinos run away and the parents break up the party and come out side.

This is about the time that Nicolas Cage has figured out that the world in gonna end and takes everbody back over to his house. You think that it being the end of the world and all that Nicolas Cage would be a stud and try to shag COL. But NO!! they both go lay down with their kids. But you can tell that both the kids hate it too because both of the parents are totally hogging the bed.

I don't remember much after that because I suddenly became fascinated with my popcorn and a gum wrapper that I found in my purse, but at the very end, a spaceship appears, the albino gay guys turned into space aliens with huge buttcracks and the kids, seeing this as an opportunity to get away from their useless parents beg the albino space aliens to take them away. Nicolas Cage cries like a bi-aitch and runs home to his mummy and daddy. They didn't look real happy to see him either. I guess it's because all thru out the movie Nicolas Cage kept trying to feel up his sister's boobies every time he hugged her. She totally look like guy too.

This movie was crap, and Nicolas Cage, as usual, did not stray far from the losers he's been playing ever since he made Moonstruck, the only good movie he's ever made. I give this movie absolutely no stars.

The Allen Curse.....

So the running joke is that any thing an Allen touches get broke.Case in point....I have been dropping and breaking things since I can remember. My hands look like I did time in Iraq on the front lines from all the burns, cuts and scrapes I got myself into..

The entire family is klutzy...

My neice, 'Adventures in Ashley' falls down the stairs, and up the stairs constantly (and she doesn't even drink!)
Everytime one of the kids (or me) use a lawnmower we break it.
The list just goes on and on...

On the bright side, the Allen family are the Masters of Duct Tape...

So last night the curse reared its ugly head in full force... The hubby and I get home from work and it was 105 degrees in the upstairs of our house. (105 people!! We even double checked the temp on another thermometer!!!) It was so hot in our room that the door handles were warm to the touch...Seems that I had discovered the batteries were low in the thermostat the night before and was trying to replace them. When I did, I accidently hit the Program button on the unit which was programmed to run the heat continously unless the room temp was between 70 degrees and 70 degrees. Anything lower or higher than 70 caused the heat to run, so when the temp got above 70, the heater just ran and ran.

Then after my husband recovered from his heart attack about the heat, how much money I wasted and the electric bill for next month, blah blah blah, he was stirring a pot of spagetti sauce on the stove. I threw a tennis ball up the basement steps for the dog, and (yep you guessed it) it landed smack in the middle of the sauce, throwing scalding hot sauce all over the hubby and the stove... Then he tried to clean it up and burned his arm on the stove. (He's not even an Allen! Guess the curse just rubbed off on him!)

So to end our beautiful evening.... the hubby wanted a piece of chocolate from a box he keeps on his dresser, so I handed him a chocolate and ofcourse it all gooey and groody from the heat earlier, so we had chocolate all over our fingers. But then they looked so yummy, I decided to have a piece.... My piece was totally liquidfied, and when I went to pick it up, it ran all over the other chocolates in the box, my shirt, the beadspread.....

Hey did I mention how handy I was with the duct tape?

New Year, New Me...

02352.5

Don't even ask about the numbers above. Figure it out.

For once in my life, I feel like making New Year resolutions. Don't know whats up with that, but here goes.....

This Year, I want to be more thoughful, be thoughtful about what I put in my body, love more, be more patient, run (walk swiftly) another race or 2. Be a better mother, wife, student. Make memories, live dangerously. Stop saying swear words, exercise more, eat more fiber. Be sexy for my husband, for my self!! Stop wasting time, live, explore, take more chances. Love my children harder, stop being critical of myself, of others! Love my body! Improve my skin!.. I'll think of more later....

A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Remember when I told you that I had been good.

I lied. But thanks for the loot.

You Friend,
SouthernChickie

Do I ask for too much?

This is an open letter to all those 3rd world countries that make our clothing...

To whom it may concern:

WTH! I have been 5'8" for approximately 30 years now, but yet it seems that my clothes are getting shorter and shorter. Where is the rest of my shirts" What have you done to the waist of my pants? I am sure that somewhere in an office in the fashion district of New York, there's a man who sits smugly at his desk because HE was the one who came up with the brilliant idea to cut the bottom 3 inches of all shirts off to save money. It was him, with the help of his harlot of a daughter, who re-introduced hip huggers back into our everyday language. I can hear him now... "Imagine all the fabric that can be used to make even more, shorter shirts, imagine the money we'll save!!"

Well hello, I got some news for you Mr. Man. I've squeezed 3 kids out mah belly and thru my hips!!! One of them an 11 lbs, half grown toddler. Ain't no one on earth wants to see my mid- drift. And guess what, going around ALL DAY pulling down my shirt, or hitching up my pants so my battle scarred belly, and my fatback don't hang out, ARE NOT considered a form of exercise!!

I've I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna come over to your house and cut the crotch out of ALL your pants!

Have a Great Day!
SouthernChickie

P.S. You Suck.

Why with all the drama?

So rarely do I take a lunch alone. But Monday I did. Stopped off and bought a good book to read and sat my butt down at Stevie B to eat Pizza tops (I'm on a carb diet, don't cha know.) So there I was, when all of a sudden, I see this guy 2 tables over jump up and start peeling off his shirt while shouting obscenities at someone else at another table.

Not sure who it was aimed out, cause I immediately stuck my nose deep into my book while trying to look, not look.. So anyway Johnny Gangbanger was all cussing and flexing and cussing, while the entire place was staring intently at their plates desperately trying not to make eye contact.

I noticed while this was going on, the his pants wear AROUND HIS KNEES!! He had a nice round ass BTW. (I'm just saying..) then he shouted a gem that said it all, "Hey MF-er, I got felony convictions against me, I ain't skeered of you!" ...mmmm...Klassy. Yea, I'm totally going to use THAT one next time I get mad at someone.

So after a while of getting no response or acknowledgement of anyone in the restaurant, the girl at the table with Johnny GB, says, "Please leave, just leave." Boyfriend pulls on his shirt, and walks out.

So what do you think the girl did next?

Leave out the back? Cry? Call the cops?

She went back and herself another plate of pizza. While everybody else nervously sat around waiting on Johnny GB to come back in and blow our asses away with a 9mm. So I crammed another pizza top in my gullet and got the H out of there, and who should I see standing in the parking lot with arms crossed, leaning up against a car (3 cars away from mine!!!) and glaring into Stevie B's but,,,,yep you guessed it,,, Crazy A. Johnny GangBanger!!! Oh joy! He's gonna kill me in the damn parking lot.

So I walked to the far end of the parking lot and snuck up to my car and got in, just as another guy from the place approached my car beside me from the other direction. As we were pulling out, we both gave each other a look like, "Thank God, we're still alive!"

On my way out, I was gonna scream something like, "Pull your damn pants" up at Johnny B, but knew that my car would probably conk out right then and there, and he would pull my arms off and beat the hell outta me with them...

What a douche.

Ode to my Car....and the damn Check Engine light.

When my Father In Law(FIL) kicked it back in '04, God rest his soul, I 'inherited' his Smoking hot 99 Toyota Corolla. (And by smoking, I mean like real smoke, coming out of the tail pipe!) Actually it’s not too bad of a car. I have put ATLEAST 50,000 mile on it, and only :
1 set of brakes. (Maybe 2)
1 engine gasket of some sort.
1 or 2 sets of tires.
countless quarts of yummy oil

I say that I ‘inherited’ the car, because it’s really not ours. My MIL insists that although she hasn’t driven since the late 70’s when she was burning up the roads back in the day in Queens (NY) that she is totally going to start driving ‘her car’ just as soon as the state of Georgia comes to their minds and takes the curves and hills out of all the roads down here. I figure that this might take some time, therefore I have been driving ‘her’car in the meantime….just to keep the engine was rusting… ya’ know.

So, the little ugly white Corolla, or as I affectionately call her, Gertie the Ghost has been taking me to 100 miles round trip everyday to work and school. Never missing a beat. She’s warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. But suddenly,,,SUDDENLY (like last year!) I start to see this!!! and no matter HOW MANY TIMES I RESET the little monster, SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK ON!!!!! Ungrateful Car.

A wasted weekend.....

Some people travel to exotic places on the weekend.
Some people have hot dates on the weekend.
Some people catch up on their sleep on the weekend.

Me, I get co-erced into scrapbooking, and blowing off my homework on the weekend.

I am bound for the firey pits of hell...fer sure.

Yesterday I took the Mother In Law out...aka the Troll, to go return items at Linen's and Things. You know Linens and Things are going out of business right? Well all OVER every inch of their store are signs posted saying, "We ABSOLUTLEY will not take ANY returns EVA!! You try to return an item and you will be shot." or something to that effect. So what is the MIL's grand plan? To return a set of sheets that she slept on (Once! I swear by God) and DRYCLEANED!! (Who the hell drycleans sheets beside Donald Trump?)

This time, since she knew she was TOTALLY pushing the envelop, she decides to incorporate me into her evil scheme of helping L&T go bankrupt a little quicker. So she strolls up with her sheets, sans original packaging but STILL in the dryclean bag, and produces a receipt from JUNE! (She called me in a hot panic Sunday saying she MUST go to L&T NOW!!!) flopped the sheets AND a bedpad out of the bag and starts demanding her money back on both. Her receipt was a receipt issued on a previous return that she returned to trade out for this latest sheet set. Original item (hmm yea sheets) returned was $100, next set of sheets was $42, drycleaning charge was $46, and tried to get these people to PAY for the sheets, the pad (no receipt on that one, Crazy Lady!) AND THE DRYCLEANING BILL!!!!

So after the 2 pimply face teens manning the register, stopped howling with laughter, they gave her $42 bucks back on a gift card for the sheets. MIL then preceded to get all teary eyed about how she paid $46 for the drycleaning.. I was like, "Come on, let's get the heck outta here before they change their minds about the card!!"

Then I took her to the ShoeStore, then Wal-Mart.... During these random trips we both realized that she had not reset her watch to the new time..and that I had not reset the dashboard clock either...BUT sometime during our time out she forgot that the clocks were not reset, and gets in a panic to go home because dinner is being served at 5:30, and she doesn't want to miss it (She lives in a retirement home, they got schedules, people..) so she's all in a hot panic to get back home.'

So I do remind her that, "Hey the clocks are wrong, remember?"


What do you think?

Yep, I fell for Facebook

But dangit, I can't tell you who I am on it 'cause I've totally revealed to much on my blog... Oh well, live and learn.

It only happens where I live....

So this is how it started:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said the possible fetus was found late Tuesday afternoon. The fetus has been sent to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation to make the final determination.Investigators were still on the scene at the school Tuesday evening.Please refresh this developing story for updates.

Then it went down like this:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Brian Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the fetal remains.The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner has been asked to get involved and to make the final determination.Police said they believe the fetus was probably a miscarriage in the first trimester and someone may be in need of medical attention. Officials said they are hoping a parent or friend may have noticed a loved one acting differently and will report it.Anyone with any information is asked to call the Paulding County Sheriff's Office.

After a while, I guess someone actually 'poked it with a stick':

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials have confirmed the finding at McClure Middle School in Paulding County of the tissue-like substance to be that of a large blood clot and not that of a fetus.
Paulding County officials said Tuesday they believed they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.
Cpl. Brandon Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the tissue-like substance.
The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner was asked to get involved and to make the final determination.
The investigation by the sheriff's office is in the process of being concluded, according to officials. Authorities said at this time, there are no signs or evidence that leads them to believe that this is anything more than a medical issue.

Meanwhile, mother's ALL over Paulding Co. were emailing each other, checking their middle school daughters' under pants, and whollopping on their sons while explaining the Bird and Bees to them.

Here's was my take on it:

This is soooo sad. I been up all night crying about the fetus. I even named him Cletus and asked the angels to take care of him. When I heard 'Cletus" was in the first stages, I raided my little girl's Barbie clothes to try and find white dress to bury poor Cletus in.

Last night around mid-night, my heart was hurting so bad, that I took out a shovel and dug a little hole to put poor "Cletus" once the GBI people released him for burial. Thank Goodness, I was soo distressed that I smoked an ENTIRE pack of cigs. I looked at that empty box of Marlboros and thought, "Hey I'll bet poor "Cletus" would fit in there just fine.

So I spent the next 2 hours hot gluing lace doiles and rhinestones all over the box so poor little "Cletus" would have something special to rest in.

After I finished, I wrote an obituary for poor Cletus and mailed it to the News ERA.

**************
It said:

Funeral services will be held tomorrow for the poor little fetus named Cletus McClure.Poor little Cletus never had a chance and passed away in the last stall on the right in the 6th grade hall before he was born.

Cletus is survived my his mother, a little tramp who shall remain nameless, that doesn't have any manners.and a father, probably some jock from the football team.

Poor little Cletus is also survived by his maternal grandparents, who are wolves, and need to teach their children how to flush a toilet! and his paternal grandparents who really need to sit their boy down and have "The Talk" with him about the birds and the Bees!

Cletus will lie in state in tomorrow, in Malibu Barbie's 1984 wedding dress (From when she married Ken, before she found out he was gay), inside his be-dazzled Marlboro box.

SouthernChickie will be receiving Friends and Family all day until burial (Especially Cheffy! BRING CAKE!!)

Internment will be in SouthernChickies back yard between all the dog turds that her husband and 4 children rufuse to acknowledge and the big clump of weeds that the neighbors let grow between the houses so that they wouldn't have to look at said turds.

All are welcome.
**************
So now you tell me it was a CLOT!?!?!?! What am I suppose to do with this darn hole I dug?


I just really feel sorry for the poor stupid kid who forgot to flush the toilet.

The Cassville Flash

My best friend from grade school sent me a birthday card. It was late. So I waited FOREVER to call her back and thank her. (Late for Late, I suck..I’m vindictive. Who cares.) She’s so cool. I miss her.

I met her in 8th grade, she taught me to love the Stones, and feather my bangs. I used to go over to her house in the village and spend the night. She was the coolest eva! Her mom had let her watch the Exorcist, so she and I would shake her little sister’s bed, to scare the hell out of her. (My mom wouldn’t let me watch it, 25 years later when I did watch it, I found out why, Day-um!!!) Me and the Flash used to lip synch Blondie’s songs into a hairbrush.

Flash taught me, it's ok to skip out on homeroom and sneak down to the store for a candy run! Taught me to tormet our poor cat-lovin, 'I AM TOTALLY A STRAIGHT MALE' teacher Mr. Perry to death with out even saying a word.. Sorry Mr. Perry, I was just practicing my future fliration moves on you, didn't mean to make you have a near nervous breakdown that year...

Flash introduced me to her older hot brother’s picture and he became my 1st man-crush. (He was grown and in the army, so I only met his picture. He had a Freddie Mercury moustache…..so rocking hot in the 70’s.) Flash helped me to sew up the bellbottom legs on all our jeans so that they would be fashionably skin tight. We were the shit!!

She also didn’t mind that I was uber-obsessed with her “mama-boy’s” neighbor and would spend hours and hours with me walking up and down her neighborhood streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he drove his big ole puke green T-bird to his job…..at the funeral home. (I still love you Bud!!! Ha ha..) Yea, we never hooked up, I was only in 8th, and he was much too old for me.

Flash didn’t mind taking the left-overs when we double dated with her sister. (Who went on to become MUCH more cool and braver than we ever were. Nicely done, Jenny smoking pot in the girls bathroom in middle school, and calling in bomb threats to school when you wanted to lay out. You TOTALLY rocked back then!) Even though Flash took the ‘leavins’, he still was the hottest boy on our triple date. She went on to marry him, discover he was a worthless no account wife beating hillbilly, and divorce his sorry ass, pronto. Good Job, Flash, don’t take no shit off no man!

Flash gave me the courage to sneak out of my bedroom window at night to meet boys, then helped my haul my fat ass back in just as my mother was opening the door to ground me within an inch of my life, then laughed hysterical when Mom shut the door, thus making me laugh hysterically although my entire life was flashing before my eyes right then...

Years later, Flash sat with me in the football stands while we watched the daughter I had just re-met (after giving her up for adoption 18 years earlier) graduate from highschool and begin her life as an adult. She was the rock that I needed that day, as I sat on the sidelines of the next phase of my beloved's wonderful life.

Flash was the girl I took to NYC with me. What a fun WEEK!!! NYC didn’t know what the hell hit them when she blew into town. Dropping her honey-childs, ya’ll, and I DECLARE’s all over town. Charming men all over the city!!!

Talking to the Flash brings back all those wonderful memories, back when I was skinny, had long beautiful hair with perfectly manicured feathered bangs, and no stretch marks.

Can’t wait to see her again. As I have grown old and fat over the years, the Flash hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still rocking hot, single, loving life and listening the the Stones. (You be-oitch!)

The Varsity and why my husband needs to be killt.

I am a good wife, and a true Southern Girl, therefore after many years of marital bliss, I tried to introduce my husband to 'The Varsity". And you know what that lily livered, yellow bellied, carpet-bagging yankee had to say about the Varsity?

"Ahhh, it's not that great." NOT.THAT.GREAT!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! It's better that great! It's a damn southern tradition. It's the damn secret weapon that could have won the war of agression....if only they'd thought of it 100 yrs early.

I can see it now, Sherman comes riding into Atlanta, all crazy eyed, with his half million desperately hungry troops. Riding into Atlanta to ravish all the women, and looking to start a fire, so that they can get them some grub. And there on corner of Northside and what ever street stands The Varsity!! As Sherman pulls into the parking lot with the troops, trying to decide what to burn down next, out runs 20 car hops, with their red coats flapping, paper hats flapping in the breeze, and their pads out ready to write, screaming, "Whaddayahave Waddayahave?

After getting thier fill of de-li-cious chili dogs, and onion rings, and Hey! add a Big ol Varsity Orange to that while you're at it!! All Sherman and his men would want to do is just lie around rubbing their big fat tummies.... or looking for a bathroom, cause damn! them chili dogs work quicker that Milk O Mag!!!

Anyway, back to MY STORY, the husband is NOT WORTHY, and will have to do some big time grovelling to get back into the Queen's good graces after his little snub of my favorite-ist place to eat.

He did wear the sexy paper hat though so everyone would know he was a virgin. That WAS kinda cute, and sweet of him.

All is well.........

The house is quiet and no one's home but me... Ofcourse, I should have my fat butt at the gym, that I am paying for and not attending, but what the hey..

I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....

But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..

Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!

Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:

On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!

It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!

But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.

The ALLI Chronicles (part V of IV) You thought that was the end?

OK, no chitting you! This is the last posting that I posted about ALLI on the other website that I 2-time with... Here's the last of all the ALLI drama...


My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.

So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.

As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."

So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)

Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.

Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!

Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...

Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!

BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.

I heart the Palin's!!

I have had a little trouble since I've found out that I can't wear contacts fulltime, and have had to resort to wearing sensible glasses. My heart has been broken ever since. (As if every time I look in the mirror and see a middle aged woman staring back at me instead of the hot MILF that I used to be with the contacts in).

So imagine my overwhelming joy when McCain announced the he has chosen Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, former Beauty Queen, Mother of 5, Total Hot Babe and WEARS SENSIBLE GLASSES, as his choice of Vice President of the United States of America!!! (Cue up the marching bands here, and release the tickertape and patriotic balloons.)

Check out that HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Sarah for fullfilling my husband's 'Hot Librarian" fantasies and making me see it's sexy to wear glasses too (and be in charge!)

But sexy isn't the only thing that Palin's got going for her. Oh no! She multi-talented! In addition to being governor, and raising unruly children, she's also managed to snag a totally rocking hot guy. (Who totally doesn't mind being married to the most powerful guy (er girl) in the entire state of Alaska!

Folks, I give you Mr. Palin!!

OK, that's not really him, but it sure looks ALOT like him!

Total Yumness!! and very absorbent too!!

Although future VP Palin got her start on the beauty pagent circuit (Who knew all those bullcheese speeches about world peace and love would ever be realized!) she really proved that she's the right man (er I mean girl) for the job!

(In this picture she's saying, "I love you all, now pay your damn taxes!)

It's so good to know that in times of like these (aka severe ecomonomic depression, high inflation, and rising unemployment) we can rely onVP Palin to do her part to boost the economy!

She can:

Kill her own meat WHILE entertaining the kids!!

(Hey Guys, it's called MULTI-TASKING!! Ya'll should try it!!

Fish for healthy meal ideals!! While ridding the ocean of ugly fish who might scare off the whales and baby seals!!

And distract the enemy... (then shoot 'em right between the eyes!!)

OK, I am praying this ones a photoshop, it's just too wrong to wear a bathing suit like that when you're in the Oval Office. (Or should we call it the Ovary Office!)

Here's Hilary's reaction when she heard the Sarah Palin was going to be the vice President AND had a hot body!!

(She's saying, "This is YOUR fault Obama!!")

So, in conclusion, I just like you all to know my opinion of the New Vice President (in waiting) of the Unites States of America!!!

Last of the ALLI Chronicle (part IV)..aren't you getting tired of all that crap anyway?

On another note... I just called and asked for 2 apps to run in some races. I promised my kid (The Fabuluous Lana) that I would run in the Peachtree with her next summer. Might as well try to kill myself before then, by doing some 'practice (Death Marches) runs.


On to the ALLI!

Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.

Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.

So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...

Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
ALLI: No.
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
ALLI: No.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?

So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.

Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!

And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)

When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...

Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
ALLI: No.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?

So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....

About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!

ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

ALLI Q&A:
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.

Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?

The ALLI Chronicles (Part III)

Before I get started with all the sheeze, let me say that my littlest kid has her 12th BD Party. Know what? 12 yr old boys are HAWT! when they aren't kin to you. (kidding)

Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.

Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)

Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!

Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.

Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.

So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!

Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...

It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.

It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.

So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.

ALLI: No.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!

So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.

She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."

So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.

ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?

Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!

So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:

QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?

My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.

QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?

My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.

Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.

I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....

So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!

Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!

I found that I wrote this in my comments box.

Dear Anonymous,

In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance naked....in heels.

Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!

As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.

And thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, my penis works fine, thanks for asking. Er...Nope, car insurance is already covered, but thanks for looking out for me.

One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back.

Have a nice day.