Nancy Lou Isa

Yep, that's my great grandmother's name.. My grandmother, on my dad's side, is getting up in her years. So, I recently visited her and spent the night over at her house. Just like I did when I was a little girl. She LOVES TO TALK!! But hey, when you're 85 and done alot, seen alot, you got things to say, dammit!

So anyway, realizing that I know nothing about her family, my granddad's family and how they meet, I asked her to tell me all about it..

Really interesting!! She was telling me about her mom, she kept saying "Mom this" and "Mom that", and my dad always called her Granny Bird, so I didn't even know her 1st name!! So I asked Grandmom. She said,"Well her name was Nancy Lou Isa."

I said, "Wow, she basically had 2 middle names!! Grandmom got a confused look on her face, then smiled and said, "I guess where you're from, you'd call her Nancy Louisa!"

Ahh... spreak engrish lady!

She also has funny sayings. I heard her on the phone talking to her neighbor and she was talking about someone she hadn't seen in years. She said, "Well I wouldn't know him from Adam's tomcat"!!! (Adam - like Adam and Eve, get it? haha)

In case you're wondering, my grandparents were married for about 60 years. My granddad, Abe is dead now. But he was the greatest, best looking, smartest man I ever knew! He never said it, but he always made me feel like I was his favorite grandchild. He also made all his other 19 grands kids feel the same way, I am sure!

My grandmother, whose maiden name was Bird, told me this story about how they started dating. She said that her, and alot of her neighbors, used to walk to church. It seems that the they had church ALL THE TIME!! But I remember when I was a kid, living near where she lives now, people would set up tents in their yards, invite Pastors from out of town to visit, and hold Tent Revivals, like ALL THE TIME!! So I suppose that she also went to alot of revivals.

So anyway, Grandmom and some of her friends were walking to church along with Pap (Granddad!) and Pap says, "Hey, what's your favorite kind of bird?" Some people said, "Oh, I just love Cardinals!" Someone said, "Blue Birds" and other such things. My Pap just said, "Well my favorite kind of bird is Catherine Bird!!" (Grandmom's cheeks turned red, just talking about it 60 somthing years later..)

So anyway, they dated (aka walked to church) for a while then my Pap left for a job in another state. She said that he told her that he was going to marry her, and would gett frustrated that she would never commit. (Hey she was only 16! He was an older man of 21 or 22.) So he left the state to go work in the coal mines. Finally, his absence made her heart grow fonder, and she eventually married him when he came back to town for one last attempt to win her over..

They lived quite happily ever after....

Only in Hiram...

Only in Hiram, will you see a girl riding a horse....at the movie theatre....in the middle of the day. Only in Hiram will you find tambourine Lady standing in front of the Target, waving her bible, thumping on her tambourine, screaming at traffic...telling them to "Get right wif God, huney chile!" and "Jesus loves you, u huh, yes he do!!"

Where I live, only 45 minutes from downtown Atlanta. (Unless it's rush hour, and then it may take you hours to get to downtown!) Hiram..

Not sure why I ever moved to this little hole in the wall town, but I sure do like it here!!!

Then there was Sunday...

As you will soon figure out, we did alot of traveling (and partying) over the weekend of the 4th.

Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)

So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.

John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town mentality..cool.) So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.

So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.

So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)

So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.

John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."

Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!

Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."

Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)

So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.

As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!

A Month's Worth of Drama Packed into 1 Wild Night!!

So, I laid outta work on Friday, because the phone company finally saw the good in me and hired me on fulltime. I AM SUCH A PRIZE!! So I had to take my final temp employee comp day...or lose it.

So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)

So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.

Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!

One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!!!

So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.

So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?

They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.

So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.

We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"

Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..

But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".

I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.

So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.

Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.

Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.

Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!

So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!

Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)

Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...

So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.

Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.

My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...

So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)

Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.

So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.

I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..

So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"

Yeah right, you freaks...

Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.

A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....

Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a....

Yep, I bet you never hear that one, right. Yes, dear Scarlett I am near Acworth. (I Love Acworth.) right down 92 as a matter of fact, to the west. 'Bout 12 miles away. By the way, Cokes are called Dope by old people in Boaz, AL. Thanks for the comments, I loved them! It's really encouraging to know that someone is reading my rants.

So I let the amazing "free money" with CVS deals expire. Oh the Tragedy!! I even dragged my ass back there last Thursday and aimlessly wandered the aisles again, looking for the pot of gold to spend the "free" money on. Speaking of the "Pot of Gold", candy that is. It was almost $9 at CVS. It's only like $6 at WalMart. So even though I despise WalMart's Pharmacy and think it's run by demons from a verrryyy slow hell, I will continue to shop at good old WallyWorld for every thing except for the Pills, they'll come from CVS, where I will continue to get that free money that I can't figure out how to spend.

Oh, so I had ANOTHER job interview. I blew it, I got all purty and went in there expecting to see some guy that I could shake my boobs at. (Nah, not really.) but I did expect it to be only one person. I was met out in the lobby by this really sweet lady and she sat me down in the lounge with a couple of other suckers (potential job candidates) and we had to fill out this questionnaire that said, "How much do you want to make", and had one customer problem that we had to solve.

Sweet lady kept telling me to take my time and if I didn't finish answering the customer problem that I could do it after the interview, so I start writing out a looooonnnggg story about how to resolve this customer problem. Then I was taken back to the back room for the interview. There I was, on the way back, I was sucking up my gut and pushing up those ole' boob, just a getting ready. (The fact that the lady kept referring to He, and Eric, gave me the hint..)

Sweet Lady opens the door and DANGIT!!! There sat 8 PEOPLE!!!! 8 PEOPLE I TELL YOU!! around a u shaped table with a desk and chair in the middle of the room. I bout fell over dead right then and there!

I had just spent and hour and a half reading this stupid document from the internet entitled, "12 Interview questions that you should always know how to answer." If you get that thing off the internet, DON'T READ IT, Throw it away IMMEDIATELY.

I feel like I made good eye contact and that I had good experience for the job, but heck I wasn't expecting all those people!! I think that I blew the interview. I answered most of the questions ok, but I #1 didn't ask for the job like I should have. and #2 had canned answers for all the questions that they were asking. (They evidently also had a copy of that stupid document because guess what questions they asked me.)

I am such an idiot, and IT WAS MY DREAM JOB... Oh well, they are suppose to make a decision today or next week. So I will keep praying.

Since I am in the writing mood, I want to tell you that I just lost, about 20lbs this past 3 weeks. Nope I am not on Extreme Makeover or the Swan show. I went to the Doctor about another condition that I have and he prescribe something (not that I am a big pillhead or anything) to help that. The great side effect is weight loss, and the BAD side effect it that I have a dry mouth and I can't sleep worth a hoot. I like to go to sleep at night and sleep like a total zombie, now I dream these crazy dreams and feel like I wake up every 15 minutes all night, but it is getting a little better and I must be sleeping because I am not sleepy the next day...Maybe my dreams are just scaring me.

My wonderful excellent husband is taking me out tonight. I LOVE HIM SO!!! He wanted to take me to see Mrs. Robinson at the Fox, but I really didn't want to, that whole, messing around on your husband with your daughter's boyfriend scenario just really pisses me off. So, we are going to see a move and go out to eat in Douglasville. I think that just a night out when we aren't screaming at kids, dodging dogs, and trying to study/do housework/cook dinner/pay bills will be such a good time. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I know that so many people are unhappy in their marriage, but like our preacher says, "Instead of studying all the things wrong about your spouse why don't you concentrate on all the things right about 'em." Our preacher is a really smart guy to be from Arkansas.

Later folks.

Southern Dictionary

I am so tired of constantly being corrected on how I speak AND the only people who correct me are...People from up North!!

Folks, if you're gonna live down here in the South, LEARN OUR LANGUAGE!!!!

So for all you misplaced souls here in the south, let me provide you with some phrases and definitions.

I reckon - "I assume"
I swannie - "I can't believe it"
I'm fixin to - "I will get to that task very shortly."
warsher - "Washing Machine"
peench (Long E sound) - "Pinch"
mater - "Tomato"
tater - "Potato"
peecan (Long E sound) "pecan" - the only nut we use for baking.
dinner "Lunch"
supper "Dinner"
farplace - "fireplace"
ain't or taint - "is not" OR "are not"
keyarnine "anything that smells moldey or rotten"
loomnum fol "Aluminum Foil"
cancer stick "cigarette"
wacky backy "marijuana"
chaw "chewing tobacco"
dope "soda"
nekked "naked"
pee bug - "Male Genitals"
tutu - "Female Genitals"
knocked up - "pregnant"
Mondee, Tuesdee Wednesdee etc.. - "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday"
Ya'll "You all"
episode "any illness that you don't want to elaborate on, like the runs or menstrual cramps"
peel "medication prescribed by a doctor or the outter skin of fruits and veggies.
air,our and hour all all pronouned the same. (pronouned as Eer)


So there you are. They're not in any particular order, but just random things that I have to explain to my favorite little Yankee husband on a daily basis. I love it when he gives me hell for the way I speak, I just smile and say, "Where do you live again"?

Red Neck Weddings or How's Your Mom an Dem

So I was invited to the social event of the season. (I use "The" and "Social Event" very loosely. ) I fixed up (i.e. - hooked up for sex...) 2 people in my neighborhood.

I NEVER meant for the dum dum's to get married!?!?! Ok, so I am a floozy of the most obviously sort. When I found out that a cute single guy was moving into my hood, I trounced my self over there to get a better look. (And to scope him out for my single girlfriends.) He was every bit the hottie that I had heard he was. Bought the nicest 2 story in our hood, on a full basement! He's in the military and never been married! (Can you say, "SECURE PAY, and NO BAGGAGE?!?!)

So he's all good, just needed to pick my most worthiest girlfriend for the hook up, er I mean "fix up"!

So my dumb other neighbor, who is a housewife with a really bad afro, was going thru a divorce. Seems her hubby was leaving her for a much younger, supposedly less clingy piece of A. So my afro neighbor, who never had time to even say hello before, is suddenly knocking on my door, ALL THE TIME! I go to the door, she's got her 3 snot nosed brats with her, and she's bawling and taking on about "That sorry son of a bitch"! Like I want to hear all that..

So anyway, in a weak moment (VERY WEAK), I made the mistake of saying, "Hey I met this guy who just moved in..." Well, honey LET ME TELL YOU!! That's all it took, til the black widow put the web out to catch her man!

Called him on a Sunday, Met him on a Monday, and again on Tuesday, then went out on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday... well, you get the picture!! So anywho, about 3 dates later, she comes up to my door covered in hickeys from boots to chin saying, "I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to (insert name here)!"

And a year later, she getting married. Not that I hate her or anything, but the second he said, "I do." He just got really ugly and married looking. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd never mess around on my Prize, but dang - it sure was nice seeing Mr. Single working in his yard with that shirt off!

Now that he's married to the "fro", she'll be feeding him, and fattening him up. She'll make him wear a shirt all the time, so when we do get a glimpse of the former "hunk of burning love", we'll just be looking at the same old thang that we got a home. Just another chubby, pastey, farmer's tan, married guy.

Damn her, she ruined my eye candy. Oh well, her house will be for sale soon, so if you're single and hot.... she owes me one!!

Trailer Parks and Tornadoes

So it's raining today. Not just raining, but BIG TIME raining. with lightning, thunder and tornadoes. I hear that there's been tornadoes in Louisiana and Alabamie both.

So tell me.... why are trailers so popular in the south? There are absolutely everywhere here in the south. I go out west and north on occasion and NEVER EVER see any kinds of trailers. What is up with that?

Here's my trailer park philosophy. Poor people and miserable people buy trailers. They buy trailers and move them to places that are prone to tornadoes. Why? Because they are unhappy and smart. I say that they are unhappy because they buy these ugly boxes to live in and move them to locations that will more than likely be annihilated by a tornado. I say the they are smart because, they know that if they get hurt or killed, that someone in their family will inherit money. I know this because I grew up poor.

When I was growing up, it didn't matter if there was a crumb to eat in the entire house and the lights were being turned off for non-payment. My grandmother always made sure to pay her insurance premiums. She didn't just have insurance on herself, but ALL her kids and other random relatives. She also had Accidental Death and Dismemberment (AD&D)

I always thought that she had all those insurance premiums because she was lonely and just wanted to be able to count on the insurance guy to come see her every month and collect them premiums. (Kind of like an escort service, but without the sex!)

But now, I am sure that she did it because she was smart (Very Smart!). Now my grandmother never lived in a trailer, but one of her kids did. (She had a big ole premium on that one.) Now the AD&D came in handy because all my relatives did really risking things, like shooting guns, drinking and driving, and their own auto-repairs (every hear the story of the engine block falling on uncle Roy, and taking his arm off? Was worth $10,000)

But I digress, back to the Trailer Tribes of the South. Have you ever seen a Trailer Park? They trailers are so close together that when you open your trailer door, it bumps into the trailer in front of it!! Whenever a tornado comes thru a trailer park and wipes out half the population of the park, you can bet your sweet hiney, that those lots will have new (I use the word New very loosely) trailers BACK on them in less than a month.

I remember when I was a teen, I used to think, "I can't wait til I grow up and find me a husband. We will buy us some land, and get us a trailer" I must have been VERY poor or miserable..

I wish I was

I wish I was one of them singers that you see on the Gospel Shows, late at night. You know the one. She's the chick that clutches the microphone and a hankerchief in one hand, while she is swording fighting heaven with her other hand. She's so loud and so good that she doesn't even really need the microphone. All during the song, she's jumping about and wailing "Amens!" all over the place. It's like the song is being pulled out of her body by force. I call that the "Come to Jesus Singer".

I would give almost anything to be that singer. I'd be in the front of church every Sunday belting one out! I hear that in the bible is says, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord".

I try to, but every time I open my mouth, it sounds like a kitten is being tortured.

Wonder what my talent is?