So the movie "The Notebook" is now on DVD. I have heard about this movie since last summer. "Oh, it's the best movie ever!" "I cried my eyes out!" "I saw it 5 times" all these comments were made by young twenty something females.
OK, so I rent the movie and sat down to watch it while the little darlings were at church. I saw about an hour of it, and had to turn it off to go pick up the chillens. So when I got them back home, I asked them if they'd like to also see this movie. They assume that anything on DVD is the best movie ever, so ofcourse they agreed to watch it with me.
I really liked the first hour of the movie. Guy meets Girl. Guy is instantly smitten by Girl. Girl then falls in love with Guy. Life/Parents/Money come between Guy and Girl. So I am watching with the kids, we ain't saying much about what's going on til the sex scene starts up. This is the time when I say the standard, "Sex outside of marriage is BAD!" and "Close your eyes, I'll tell you when you can open them." (Then I usually forgot to tell them to open them, just for meaness.)
Now, I am not going to give away the ending, except to say that even though this is suppose to be some kind of shocker when the story all comes together at the end, I had it all figured out about 30 minutes into the movie. The ending is suppose to be so "touching" that water will pour out of your eyes, until you are knee deep in tears. This didn't happen for me...
Both my daughter and niece (both in their early twenties and both never "seriously" in a relationship, but typical Harlenquin Romance Girls.) just went on and on about that a tear jerker this movie is, and how wonderful it was. When the movie goes off, I look over at the 15 and 16 year olds, and ask them what they thought. They both thought the movie was pretty lame, just like I did.
Now I am worried that they both are either jaded or don't have hearts. (Like me, but I am excused because I am a old lady, and I've seen all, so I am immune!)
I guess time will tell with those two...but in the meantime, I am glad to know that there not saps.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Terri Shiavo and The Pope
I gotta weigh in on this one. (Not that my opinions are worth a plug nickle!) One the one hand, we have a poor middle-aged bedridden person, who can't speak her mind on what she wants, and is being starved to death. On the other hand, we have a man who is older than dirt, and somewhat aware, being forcefeed by a feeding tube.
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??!!
I wonder is anyone had a conversation with the Pope before he got the hook up? "Hey, you're looking a little thin, and we need you back at work...?"
Seriously though, since learning of both these news worthy stories, I've been flip flopping back and forth, with the "what would I do, if it were me " issue.
I have to ask the question, why is the Pope worthy of a feeding tube, but not Terri S? He's obviously suffering, she obviously isn't (or wasn't before they pulled the plug!) From the looks of things, they've both been practically vegetables for years. Sure, the Pope can hold his head up by himself, but did you ever notice, they HE can't even operate his own electric chair? Have you ever REALLY seen him move anything lately?
If it were my loved one, what would I do? Well, I guess I'd have to say that it would depend on where I fall in the family chain.
If the Pope was my Dad, or Granddad (all you Catholics would be terribly upset and shocked!) I think that I would try to get his opinion on what he wanted to do. (I seriously doubt that anyone has asked his opinion on this matter!) Then, I'd carry out his wishes. NOW, if I were his Mom, (no, not that Mom, the biological mom!) I'd stick that feeding tube in, and fill it up with steaks, and shakes til he fattened up like a little piglet, whether he wanted it or not!
Now about Terri Shiavo. If I were her husband, I'd ofcourse want to follow her wishes. BUT, if I were her mom, I'd once again, keep that tube in, feed her steaks,shakes and chocolate (cause everyone knows that we women LOVE our chocolates!) til she just about popped, not caring one little bit what she thought her wishes would have been, because everyone knows that Mother knows Best!
So that's the truth, I think that everyone's right. I think that the Pope is being tortured, by being forcefed, but who am I to say what's right for him. I think that Terri Schiave is being starved and tortured, but I am not her parent's or husband. I just wonder why her life is valued so differently than the Pope's. I think that when all is said and done, that she will have made just as a big an impact on so many people as the Pope has.
I think that it's stupid that she and her husband didn't not have a living will. But heck, I know completely what me husband's wishes are if he is ever in that condition, and WE don't have living wills drawn up! (Guess, we're stupid too.) I also know that if something happens to him, that his mom would do eveything in her power to keep him alive, while I would do everything in MY power to help him die, because he told me that was what he would want. Do you see that vicious circle here?....
And just so you all know, if something happens to me, I lied. I told the honey and kids that I'd want to be kept alive no matter what just to torture them forever. I also told the kids, that the meanest, most useless kid would be designated as my caretaker, so that he or she would have to spend the rest of his or her, and my life with me in a hospital bed, parked in front of the living room picutre window, hooked up to car batteries. Also that I expected my awful little child to keep me fed, dressed cute, and changed regular for pay back for all the awful things that he or she had put me though. Also that my presence would be a constant deterrent to my kid and keep them from having a social life, just like they have kept me from having a social life, due to all the times I have had to go down to the school because they were bad, and all the times that I missed out on fun stuff because I was having to hunt them down to do their homework/clean their room/take a bath/come in for dinnner.
Well like I said, I lied. If I am truly incapitated, kill me. If I am suffering, help me die. Don't let time be my enemy, make it quick. Please don't starve me, because you know I could never starve you. Just be a sweetie, make me a little pudding with enough drugs to stop the heart of an elephant, and I'll be sure to put in a good word for you in heaven..... when I get there.
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??!!
I wonder is anyone had a conversation with the Pope before he got the hook up? "Hey, you're looking a little thin, and we need you back at work...?"
Seriously though, since learning of both these news worthy stories, I've been flip flopping back and forth, with the "what would I do, if it were me " issue.
I have to ask the question, why is the Pope worthy of a feeding tube, but not Terri S? He's obviously suffering, she obviously isn't (or wasn't before they pulled the plug!) From the looks of things, they've both been practically vegetables for years. Sure, the Pope can hold his head up by himself, but did you ever notice, they HE can't even operate his own electric chair? Have you ever REALLY seen him move anything lately?
If it were my loved one, what would I do? Well, I guess I'd have to say that it would depend on where I fall in the family chain.
If the Pope was my Dad, or Granddad (all you Catholics would be terribly upset and shocked!) I think that I would try to get his opinion on what he wanted to do. (I seriously doubt that anyone has asked his opinion on this matter!) Then, I'd carry out his wishes. NOW, if I were his Mom, (no, not that Mom, the biological mom!) I'd stick that feeding tube in, and fill it up with steaks, and shakes til he fattened up like a little piglet, whether he wanted it or not!
Now about Terri Shiavo. If I were her husband, I'd ofcourse want to follow her wishes. BUT, if I were her mom, I'd once again, keep that tube in, feed her steaks,shakes and chocolate (cause everyone knows that we women LOVE our chocolates!) til she just about popped, not caring one little bit what she thought her wishes would have been, because everyone knows that Mother knows Best!
So that's the truth, I think that everyone's right. I think that the Pope is being tortured, by being forcefed, but who am I to say what's right for him. I think that Terri Schiave is being starved and tortured, but I am not her parent's or husband. I just wonder why her life is valued so differently than the Pope's. I think that when all is said and done, that she will have made just as a big an impact on so many people as the Pope has.
I think that it's stupid that she and her husband didn't not have a living will. But heck, I know completely what me husband's wishes are if he is ever in that condition, and WE don't have living wills drawn up! (Guess, we're stupid too.) I also know that if something happens to him, that his mom would do eveything in her power to keep him alive, while I would do everything in MY power to help him die, because he told me that was what he would want. Do you see that vicious circle here?....
And just so you all know, if something happens to me, I lied. I told the honey and kids that I'd want to be kept alive no matter what just to torture them forever. I also told the kids, that the meanest, most useless kid would be designated as my caretaker, so that he or she would have to spend the rest of his or her, and my life with me in a hospital bed, parked in front of the living room picutre window, hooked up to car batteries. Also that I expected my awful little child to keep me fed, dressed cute, and changed regular for pay back for all the awful things that he or she had put me though. Also that my presence would be a constant deterrent to my kid and keep them from having a social life, just like they have kept me from having a social life, due to all the times I have had to go down to the school because they were bad, and all the times that I missed out on fun stuff because I was having to hunt them down to do their homework/clean their room/take a bath/come in for dinnner.
Well like I said, I lied. If I am truly incapitated, kill me. If I am suffering, help me die. Don't let time be my enemy, make it quick. Please don't starve me, because you know I could never starve you. Just be a sweetie, make me a little pudding with enough drugs to stop the heart of an elephant, and I'll be sure to put in a good word for you in heaven..... when I get there.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Spring has sprung, and I can't breathe
Evidently the weather people are over the pollen. I remember years past when the nice weather people on Channel 2 (the best news channel ever.) would talk about pollen season like it was a tornado warning.
"The CDC reports that the pollen count today in at 2000. That's means that if you have allergies you must stay inside. You must not leave your house. If you leave your house or open your window, you will immediately be covered in pollen, and you will die........immediately. But (bright smile here) all the flowers and trees are in bloom and their just gorgeous so try and get out and enjoy this beautiful spring day if you can!"
I always enjoyed "Pollen Season" or Spring as I used to call it, until this year. This year, I just want to die. My sinus cavity feels like the dead sea. Whenever I talk to someone, I can feel the "sea" starting to leak out of my head. If I stand still and stick my fingers in my ears, I can hear the ocean. When I breathe in, (through my mouth ofcourse, the only thing on my head that will now take in oxygen, it feels like I am trying to breath big yellow sponge into my dead sea.
I wish I had invested in stock Pfizer, because I have made them all filthy rich by purchasing every Sudafed tablet every made in 2004 and 2005. CVS recently had a sale on Sudafed, I bought 'em out. Now sure, I could go to the Doctor, but what fun is that? He'd just load me down with medication that has all those, "This medication makes you drowsy." "Don't take this medication with alcohol." and all those other dire warnings that everyone ignores, then wishes that they didn't.
And anyway what would I complain about if I wasn't dying of pollenation?? When I was a kid, my mom told me that pollen makes your boobs grow (She said that about everything.) so I guess I'll just keep suffering and hope for the best!!
"The CDC reports that the pollen count today in at 2000. That's means that if you have allergies you must stay inside. You must not leave your house. If you leave your house or open your window, you will immediately be covered in pollen, and you will die........immediately. But (bright smile here) all the flowers and trees are in bloom and their just gorgeous so try and get out and enjoy this beautiful spring day if you can!"
I always enjoyed "Pollen Season" or Spring as I used to call it, until this year. This year, I just want to die. My sinus cavity feels like the dead sea. Whenever I talk to someone, I can feel the "sea" starting to leak out of my head. If I stand still and stick my fingers in my ears, I can hear the ocean. When I breathe in, (through my mouth ofcourse, the only thing on my head that will now take in oxygen, it feels like I am trying to breath big yellow sponge into my dead sea.
I wish I had invested in stock Pfizer, because I have made them all filthy rich by purchasing every Sudafed tablet every made in 2004 and 2005. CVS recently had a sale on Sudafed, I bought 'em out. Now sure, I could go to the Doctor, but what fun is that? He'd just load me down with medication that has all those, "This medication makes you drowsy." "Don't take this medication with alcohol." and all those other dire warnings that everyone ignores, then wishes that they didn't.
And anyway what would I complain about if I wasn't dying of pollenation?? When I was a kid, my mom told me that pollen makes your boobs grow (She said that about everything.) so I guess I'll just keep suffering and hope for the best!!
Friday, March 25, 2005
Hell just opened a new attraction....
....it's called "The Skating Rink". Yeah, so I went there when I was much much younger, but my o my pudding and pie, how times have changed!
My husband overheard our darlin' 15 yr old neice plotting via the phone to meet a boy at the skating ring. So my adoring honey felt obligated to email me with this info at work. So, being the tricky oldlady that I am, I immediately phoned home, (Yep,she was still on the phone with the little perpertrator) and informed her that I work for the phone company and we can monitor any conversation that we want from my office. (It's true, we probably could if we wanted to, but the goverment won't let us, and I didn't technically say that I was monitoring THAT particular conversation...so I didn't lie) And I asked her what's all this stuff about "meeting up"at the skating ring......Total Dead Silence on her end, then ....."Uh, Uh, Uh, well...." and for some odd strange moment, I said those words that I will forever regret....
"Well, I guess since I can't trust you, I'll have to go to the skating ring with you tonight!" I swear, I must truly have tourettes syndrome!
So I hang up, leave work, and all I can think about all the way home is,"Why!?!?! Why!?!?!
I get home, and then ask the 8 yr old if she would also like to go. Well, duh!! Ofcourse she would! Then somehow, next thing I know, I am inviting along the neighbor's kid. (Which is OK because she has 3 younger brothers, so she is a naturaly babysitter, and keeps my kid entertained for the most part!)
So we all load up and go skating. Whee!! Well, I didn't actually skate, I was just there...Like a knot on a log...watching the paint dry.... like a deer in the headlights...
The minute we walk thru the door, everyone immediately scatters in opposite directions. Since, I only have 2 eyes, with 3 girls to watch, I was at a lose. So I take my big hiney over to the tables and set down. Just when I have my nose good and deep in a book, over comes the younger 2 with their skates... "Whah! We can't get our skates on!" So I unlace, shove feet into stinky skates and then relace for a full 10 minutes. I now know how that poor footman felt in the Cinderella story! (I repeated this exercise 3 more times with them this evening, unlace, shove, relace..)
Once, the skates are on, off they go!! Finally, back to my book. About this time, I see a gaggle of hoodlums of in the corner, and guess who's holding court with 'em? You guessed it! My big girl! Geez, about this time, she sees me looking real "crazy eyed" over at her, and skates over and announces that "It's hot in here!" and whips off her jacket to reveal a tight tight low necked spagetti strap shirt underneath. I tell her to pull up the front so her boobies don't fall out, and off she sails on her skates again. (I really must learn to check outfits before we leave the house!)
At about this time, over comes my 8 year old to whine. Man! Something about the skating rink brings out the worst in that dang kid! "Whah! I can't skate fast, Whah! I fell down, Whah! I'm thirsty, Whah! Whah! Whah! AND did I mention world class tattle tailing!?! Anyway, after about 5 minutes of her, I simply shouted, "Shush!! you!! Be gone!!!"
Back to my fricking book!! Have you ever tried to read a book in the skating rink? With strobe lights, disco balls, loud thumping music and 500 kids bumping into your fricking table even though the little wretches have an aisle as wide as a barn to pass through? I swear, I have no idea why darn kids have to touch everything!! Everytime they passed my table, they'd grab the chair or the fricking table. So I moved off into the corner, in fact I moved 3 times, with the same results at every table...
I finally gave up on the book, and started actually trying to figure out where my girls were. It's amazing how many hiding places there are at the skating rink! Even though it's one huge room! I walked around, lugging my big ole' granny purse, sticking out like a sore thumb, (If you were there, yes I was that old lady wearing the Jesus VBS shirt, toting the big black doctor's bag. When did I get so darn old?) and I'd run across them at the most random spots....setting at a video game (even though they didn't have any money, and there was a line of people waiting to get on the same game), standing in the corner with other people their age, all desperately trying to look cool, and ignore each other, while standing close enough to each other to look like their all friends with each other.
We were at the skating rink for a total of 3 hours tonight, and I think that each one of my girls spend a total of 10 minutes each skating, and it cost 33 bucks for me to get them in. I'd would have had a much better deal, if I'd ditched them all, and took that money to go get my nails done!! Don't you agree!
Well I guess that I'll go nighty night for now, while I dream of skating rinks that still do the Hokey Pokey, sell beer and don't allow kids...
My husband overheard our darlin' 15 yr old neice plotting via the phone to meet a boy at the skating ring. So my adoring honey felt obligated to email me with this info at work. So, being the tricky oldlady that I am, I immediately phoned home, (Yep,she was still on the phone with the little perpertrator) and informed her that I work for the phone company and we can monitor any conversation that we want from my office. (It's true, we probably could if we wanted to, but the goverment won't let us, and I didn't technically say that I was monitoring THAT particular conversation...so I didn't lie) And I asked her what's all this stuff about "meeting up"at the skating ring......Total Dead Silence on her end, then ....."Uh, Uh, Uh, well...." and for some odd strange moment, I said those words that I will forever regret....
"Well, I guess since I can't trust you, I'll have to go to the skating ring with you tonight!" I swear, I must truly have tourettes syndrome!
So I hang up, leave work, and all I can think about all the way home is,"Why!?!?! Why!?!?!
I get home, and then ask the 8 yr old if she would also like to go. Well, duh!! Ofcourse she would! Then somehow, next thing I know, I am inviting along the neighbor's kid. (Which is OK because she has 3 younger brothers, so she is a naturaly babysitter, and keeps my kid entertained for the most part!)
So we all load up and go skating. Whee!! Well, I didn't actually skate, I was just there...Like a knot on a log...watching the paint dry.... like a deer in the headlights...
The minute we walk thru the door, everyone immediately scatters in opposite directions. Since, I only have 2 eyes, with 3 girls to watch, I was at a lose. So I take my big hiney over to the tables and set down. Just when I have my nose good and deep in a book, over comes the younger 2 with their skates... "Whah! We can't get our skates on!" So I unlace, shove feet into stinky skates and then relace for a full 10 minutes. I now know how that poor footman felt in the Cinderella story! (I repeated this exercise 3 more times with them this evening, unlace, shove, relace..)
Once, the skates are on, off they go!! Finally, back to my book. About this time, I see a gaggle of hoodlums of in the corner, and guess who's holding court with 'em? You guessed it! My big girl! Geez, about this time, she sees me looking real "crazy eyed" over at her, and skates over and announces that "It's hot in here!" and whips off her jacket to reveal a tight tight low necked spagetti strap shirt underneath. I tell her to pull up the front so her boobies don't fall out, and off she sails on her skates again. (I really must learn to check outfits before we leave the house!)
At about this time, over comes my 8 year old to whine. Man! Something about the skating rink brings out the worst in that dang kid! "Whah! I can't skate fast, Whah! I fell down, Whah! I'm thirsty, Whah! Whah! Whah! AND did I mention world class tattle tailing!?! Anyway, after about 5 minutes of her, I simply shouted, "Shush!! you!! Be gone!!!"
Back to my fricking book!! Have you ever tried to read a book in the skating rink? With strobe lights, disco balls, loud thumping music and 500 kids bumping into your fricking table even though the little wretches have an aisle as wide as a barn to pass through? I swear, I have no idea why darn kids have to touch everything!! Everytime they passed my table, they'd grab the chair or the fricking table. So I moved off into the corner, in fact I moved 3 times, with the same results at every table...
I finally gave up on the book, and started actually trying to figure out where my girls were. It's amazing how many hiding places there are at the skating rink! Even though it's one huge room! I walked around, lugging my big ole' granny purse, sticking out like a sore thumb, (If you were there, yes I was that old lady wearing the Jesus VBS shirt, toting the big black doctor's bag. When did I get so darn old?) and I'd run across them at the most random spots....setting at a video game (even though they didn't have any money, and there was a line of people waiting to get on the same game), standing in the corner with other people their age, all desperately trying to look cool, and ignore each other, while standing close enough to each other to look like their all friends with each other.
We were at the skating rink for a total of 3 hours tonight, and I think that each one of my girls spend a total of 10 minutes each skating, and it cost 33 bucks for me to get them in. I'd would have had a much better deal, if I'd ditched them all, and took that money to go get my nails done!! Don't you agree!
Well I guess that I'll go nighty night for now, while I dream of skating rinks that still do the Hokey Pokey, sell beer and don't allow kids...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Some guys just don't get it....
Soooo, now that I have a new computer, (Thanks, Phone Company!) I am back!!
The other day, I saw a guy who reminded me of a guy I used to know. Now I ain't one to mention names, (David) but let me tell you about this smoooooth operator.
I remarried about 4 years ago, but before my marriage, I enjoyed the glorious life of a single girl. There was this guy that I had met at one of my many past jobs, who had kept in touch with me throughout the demise of my last marriage and my single years. He acted like such a nice guy. When I first met him, we worked at a LD company. He was in sales, I was in sales support. He was such a nice, professional, courteous gentleman. (Think - snake in the henhouse!) Whenever the girls had a little night out at the bars, he'd chaperone. When we'd had a little too much to drink, there he was offering to drive us home. Drink glass empty? Here's another drink from good ole' David.
He was a basically a nice looking guy, but totally not my type. So there was never any attraction on my part, nor did I feel that he might have had the hots for me! (He's about 6 inches shorter than me and dainty, I'd be afraid that I'd break him in half, if I jumped his bones.)
I used to feel sorry for him, because he was always moaning and groaning about how he had to sell something, because he was having to pay his ex-wife a ton a alimony, AND he was also paying a ton in child support to his child with this chickie.. He was so broke that he had to live at his parent's, and he could barely scrape by. Poor sweet guy!!
Well, he kept this game up for a couple of years. We both changed jobs, but still kept in touch. I was his shoulder to cry on, and I knew that if I ever needed a free taxi, he'd be there. Sweet as pie, he was..
So one night out of the blue, he calls me at my house. He says that he is dog/house setting for a friend nearby, and wouldn't it be great if he dropped by my place, and we'd shoot the breeze for a while. I was happy to hear from him, but my kids were at home, and I have a HUGE rule about mixing men and kids. But then I thought, this nice sweet guy, and he IS just a really good friend.
So idiot me, says "Sure you can drop by for a bit, but it is a school night and my boys are both at home, but sure you can come by and visit for a minute." Can you see the words SUCKER written across my forehead?
So he came over (way later than he was suppose to), at about the time that I was going to bed, so I could get up the next morning and go into the office. But, the kids were already in bed, Thank the Lord! So here he comes, toting a bottle of wine. (Nice!) He says that he'll just stay for a glass or two. "Cool" I think, he'll be gone in an hour or less!
Hahahaha, did I say that I was a sucker? Oh yeah, he drunk all the wine he brought, all the wine I had in the house, found some beer in his car, and he drunk that too. Heck, I wouldn't have been surprised to have seen him working on the toilet cleaner. So about 2 hours later, near midnight he annouces that he is drunk and that he's afraid to drive the half mile over to the house that he's staying at.
"Uh- I thought you were also dog sitting", I thought. So he asked me if he could stay the night and that he conveniently has his office suit out in his car, because he just picked it up from the drycleaners. (Oh, it gets better from here!) So reluctantly, very reluctantly, I say that he can stay in the guest room. He seems fine with that.
So he goes out to his car and bring in his suit and his ho-bag (that's a bag that you pack when you know ahead of time that you'll be staying at someone's house for sex - in case you didn't know!) I didn't realize that it was a ho-bag til later. I show him the guest room and the bathroom, and tell him goodnight, and to make himself at home. Then I drag my tired ass off to bed. I was so fricking tired. I took off my make-up, brushed my fangs, and slipped into my favorite ratty looking PJ's. (Far far from sexy!)
About the time, that I was drifting off, I hear a little knock, so I say, "Come in." and guess who standing there in his underpants?!?!? You gotta it! Good ole' David! Now the underpants were not normal, the were actually kind of cute, and could have passed for "wearing in public" shorts. And I noticed that his nipples were pierced (Ladies - This is the BIG warning factor that I missed.) He gets this mopey look on his face, and says that he just really feels like talking and that I am so easy to talk to, can he come in? So I tell him that it's late and I gotta get up early for work tomorrow. . . He starts looking teary eyed, and hangs his head like a little kid. So dummy me, sets up in bed, and he comes over and sits on the edge of the bed.
He starts out telling me how so many girls have done him wrong, the he progresses onto how one girl he knows, is totally in love with him, and hey by the way! he took her to a "couples" club and they made out with a married couple. Next, he talks about how he loves to go to these joints, but he just can't find a girl to go with him. I am so clueless and tired that I am missing these totally lame hints. Meanwhile he keeps asking me to use my bathroom (of the master bath.) Everytime he disappears in there, I start racking my brain trying to figure out how to get rid of his ass with out hurting his feelings.
So after a bit of him talking on and on about only God knows what, because I am half asleep and trying to steer the conversation out of the gutter. He grabs one of my fancy ruflfled, not for sleeping on, pillows and hugs it to his chest. Then he lays it in his lap. Meanwhile I am in shock because here he is, sitting on my damn bed after midnight, pissing and moaning about life, AND manhandling my good pillow!
Next thing I know, he's back to talking about the "couples club" and asking me if I had ever been to one. About this time, I notice my "good" pillow starting to bounce up and down in his lap. OK, now I've had it! (You can irritate me to death, drink all my wine, deprive me of my sleep, but keep your damn paws off my good pillows!) I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" He looks at me like I am outta of my mind for even asking and says, "Somethings, when I snort coke, I have to play with it to keep it hard." He was calm as could be. Then he offered to share his "wonderful" coke with me. Well I lost it then, I told him that he needed to get the hell out, and started herding him to the door. Grabbing his coke, suit and ho-bag, and shoving him, and them out the door and locking it.
Looking back on the incident, I know that I should have seen the warning signs, and that I am sometimes clueless when it comes to bad people. And I wonder why, if he wanted to sleep with me, he didn't just come right out and say it like normal guys do. (Hey, you're hot, let's screw! )
Lastly, he is living proof that people who don't live like God intends, will never know His blessings! That is why his life was so miserable. I hate to get up on the pulpit and I am FAR FAR from perfect, but I really feel the need to point this out in relation to this story.
Well guess you've all had about a belly full of me by now, so I am out! for now...
The other day, I saw a guy who reminded me of a guy I used to know. Now I ain't one to mention names, (David) but let me tell you about this smoooooth operator.
I remarried about 4 years ago, but before my marriage, I enjoyed the glorious life of a single girl. There was this guy that I had met at one of my many past jobs, who had kept in touch with me throughout the demise of my last marriage and my single years. He acted like such a nice guy. When I first met him, we worked at a LD company. He was in sales, I was in sales support. He was such a nice, professional, courteous gentleman. (Think - snake in the henhouse!) Whenever the girls had a little night out at the bars, he'd chaperone. When we'd had a little too much to drink, there he was offering to drive us home. Drink glass empty? Here's another drink from good ole' David.
He was a basically a nice looking guy, but totally not my type. So there was never any attraction on my part, nor did I feel that he might have had the hots for me! (He's about 6 inches shorter than me and dainty, I'd be afraid that I'd break him in half, if I jumped his bones.)
I used to feel sorry for him, because he was always moaning and groaning about how he had to sell something, because he was having to pay his ex-wife a ton a alimony, AND he was also paying a ton in child support to his child with this chickie.. He was so broke that he had to live at his parent's, and he could barely scrape by. Poor sweet guy!!
Well, he kept this game up for a couple of years. We both changed jobs, but still kept in touch. I was his shoulder to cry on, and I knew that if I ever needed a free taxi, he'd be there. Sweet as pie, he was..
So one night out of the blue, he calls me at my house. He says that he is dog/house setting for a friend nearby, and wouldn't it be great if he dropped by my place, and we'd shoot the breeze for a while. I was happy to hear from him, but my kids were at home, and I have a HUGE rule about mixing men and kids. But then I thought, this nice sweet guy, and he IS just a really good friend.
So idiot me, says "Sure you can drop by for a bit, but it is a school night and my boys are both at home, but sure you can come by and visit for a minute." Can you see the words SUCKER written across my forehead?
So he came over (way later than he was suppose to), at about the time that I was going to bed, so I could get up the next morning and go into the office. But, the kids were already in bed, Thank the Lord! So here he comes, toting a bottle of wine. (Nice!) He says that he'll just stay for a glass or two. "Cool" I think, he'll be gone in an hour or less!
Hahahaha, did I say that I was a sucker? Oh yeah, he drunk all the wine he brought, all the wine I had in the house, found some beer in his car, and he drunk that too. Heck, I wouldn't have been surprised to have seen him working on the toilet cleaner. So about 2 hours later, near midnight he annouces that he is drunk and that he's afraid to drive the half mile over to the house that he's staying at.
"Uh- I thought you were also dog sitting", I thought. So he asked me if he could stay the night and that he conveniently has his office suit out in his car, because he just picked it up from the drycleaners. (Oh, it gets better from here!) So reluctantly, very reluctantly, I say that he can stay in the guest room. He seems fine with that.
So he goes out to his car and bring in his suit and his ho-bag (that's a bag that you pack when you know ahead of time that you'll be staying at someone's house for sex - in case you didn't know!) I didn't realize that it was a ho-bag til later. I show him the guest room and the bathroom, and tell him goodnight, and to make himself at home. Then I drag my tired ass off to bed. I was so fricking tired. I took off my make-up, brushed my fangs, and slipped into my favorite ratty looking PJ's. (Far far from sexy!)
About the time, that I was drifting off, I hear a little knock, so I say, "Come in." and guess who standing there in his underpants?!?!? You gotta it! Good ole' David! Now the underpants were not normal, the were actually kind of cute, and could have passed for "wearing in public" shorts. And I noticed that his nipples were pierced (Ladies - This is the BIG warning factor that I missed.) He gets this mopey look on his face, and says that he just really feels like talking and that I am so easy to talk to, can he come in? So I tell him that it's late and I gotta get up early for work tomorrow. . . He starts looking teary eyed, and hangs his head like a little kid. So dummy me, sets up in bed, and he comes over and sits on the edge of the bed.
He starts out telling me how so many girls have done him wrong, the he progresses onto how one girl he knows, is totally in love with him, and hey by the way! he took her to a "couples" club and they made out with a married couple. Next, he talks about how he loves to go to these joints, but he just can't find a girl to go with him. I am so clueless and tired that I am missing these totally lame hints. Meanwhile he keeps asking me to use my bathroom (of the master bath.) Everytime he disappears in there, I start racking my brain trying to figure out how to get rid of his ass with out hurting his feelings.
So after a bit of him talking on and on about only God knows what, because I am half asleep and trying to steer the conversation out of the gutter. He grabs one of my fancy ruflfled, not for sleeping on, pillows and hugs it to his chest. Then he lays it in his lap. Meanwhile I am in shock because here he is, sitting on my damn bed after midnight, pissing and moaning about life, AND manhandling my good pillow!
Next thing I know, he's back to talking about the "couples club" and asking me if I had ever been to one. About this time, I notice my "good" pillow starting to bounce up and down in his lap. OK, now I've had it! (You can irritate me to death, drink all my wine, deprive me of my sleep, but keep your damn paws off my good pillows!) I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" He looks at me like I am outta of my mind for even asking and says, "Somethings, when I snort coke, I have to play with it to keep it hard." He was calm as could be. Then he offered to share his "wonderful" coke with me. Well I lost it then, I told him that he needed to get the hell out, and started herding him to the door. Grabbing his coke, suit and ho-bag, and shoving him, and them out the door and locking it.
Looking back on the incident, I know that I should have seen the warning signs, and that I am sometimes clueless when it comes to bad people. And I wonder why, if he wanted to sleep with me, he didn't just come right out and say it like normal guys do. (Hey, you're hot, let's screw! )
Lastly, he is living proof that people who don't live like God intends, will never know His blessings! That is why his life was so miserable. I hate to get up on the pulpit and I am FAR FAR from perfect, but I really feel the need to point this out in relation to this story.
Well guess you've all had about a belly full of me by now, so I am out! for now...
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Slacker Blog Chick strikes at last!!
So I started my new job. Love It!! But I still don't have a computer, so I am trying to use Hubby's piece of crappola that doesn't have a freakingspacebardammit!! Anyway, I wanted to share the terrible new with you all.
My ditzy neice wants me to take her for her learner's licenses. This is the poor child who falls UP the stairs atleast once a week. She has chipped about every dish in the house from"helping me" in the kitchen. If you live on the West side of Atlanta, be afraid, be VERY afraid.....
My ditzy neice wants me to take her for her learner's licenses. This is the poor child who falls UP the stairs atleast once a week. She has chipped about every dish in the house from"helping me" in the kitchen. If you live on the West side of Atlanta, be afraid, be VERY afraid.....
Friday, March 04, 2005
A posting...atlast!!
Where have you been little Chickie?? You are all asking. Well, let me tell you some JUICY JUICY news. Some of you dear people may remember about 2 months ago, I interviewed for a job in front of about 7 or 8 people wearing my push up bra. (Remember??Me neither..) Anyway, thought I'd made an ass of myself, but THEY HIRED ME!!! YIPPIE YA YI YO!! It's with the "Phone Company", hint hint wink wink.. I am so very happy, 10K a year more, and bye bye to my old boss "Head Thumper" So, I laid out of work on Tuesday (Which I never ever do!) with one of my "imaginary southern magnolia fainting spell migraines" and got the final word that day. So I dragged my happy ass in on Wednesday, typed up a resignation, and told the boss, "Love ya, behave, and buh bye".
He asked why I was leaving and like the yellow bellied coward that I am, I said, "Oh more money, better benefits, better hours, etc.." instead of saying,"Because my forehead seems to be the favorite target of your booger infected fingers, you pompous ass hole!!" I know that they all (management) knew something was up because the big boss (Who thinks I hung the moon!) called and wanted to know the "real reason" why I quit. I told him the same thing. I was just so grateful to get the crap outta there, and I don't think I should burn any bridges. Heck, I've already burn so many in my life, that you can see them all over the world on Satellite!!
So I start at the "Phone Company"on Monday, doing what I was made for!! I am one happy camper! Funny thing, Bad Hair Elvis(coworker), when he found out grabbed me and hugged me hard (yuck!) and said, "Get me outta here!" I was starting to think he was ok and amusing at the end. I guess hardship brings people closer.
So starting Monday, I will be sitting downtown in a shiny new building, happy as a clam. Whatever will I bitch about now???!!!
Sorry that after a week, that this posting is short and weak, but I am forced to use hubby's, groody computer with the broken space bar on the keyboard. It's just too damn painful to type a sentence, then having to back up and pound the spacebar like a sledgehammer to seperate my words.
So,untilIgetabettercomputersituation,solong,andloveyouall!!
He asked why I was leaving and like the yellow bellied coward that I am, I said, "Oh more money, better benefits, better hours, etc.." instead of saying,"Because my forehead seems to be the favorite target of your booger infected fingers, you pompous ass hole!!" I know that they all (management) knew something was up because the big boss (Who thinks I hung the moon!) called and wanted to know the "real reason" why I quit. I told him the same thing. I was just so grateful to get the crap outta there, and I don't think I should burn any bridges. Heck, I've already burn so many in my life, that you can see them all over the world on Satellite!!
So I start at the "Phone Company"on Monday, doing what I was made for!! I am one happy camper! Funny thing, Bad Hair Elvis(coworker), when he found out grabbed me and hugged me hard (yuck!) and said, "Get me outta here!" I was starting to think he was ok and amusing at the end. I guess hardship brings people closer.
So starting Monday, I will be sitting downtown in a shiny new building, happy as a clam. Whatever will I bitch about now???!!!
Sorry that after a week, that this posting is short and weak, but I am forced to use hubby's, groody computer with the broken space bar on the keyboard. It's just too damn painful to type a sentence, then having to back up and pound the spacebar like a sledgehammer to seperate my words.
So,untilIgetabettercomputersituation,solong,andloveyouall!!
Monday, February 28, 2005
Who stole my weekend!!!
So last week was "Winter Break" for the kids in our fine county. What the hell is "Winter Break"? Like we're all rich and can afford to go to Aspen to ski with Bunny and Biff for the week?
Luckily for me, all my little angels have different daddies (as before you get any ideas and start calling me harlot, different mommies too!) so the older 2 decided to take off to spend the week with their worthless, ain't got real jobs, daddies. (Not that I am judging or anything!) So big boy ran off on Tuesday, right after I told him that I expected him to vacuum and dust the entire house, and right before he actually did it! And big girl took off on Thursday afternoon, AFTER she had completed her chores for the week. (GOOD GIRL!)
So that left us with the little one (8 yrs old) to entertain. Unfortunately, her daddy lives at our house (as my hapless Hubby!), and her mother in mostly invisible so she got stuck with us, the old farts, for the remainder of the week! Well, we didn't have any means of babysitters (what with our indentured servants on vacation with their daddies) so Hubby had to take little one to college with him one day. (Daddy had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb..) Well, she absolutely loved it!!! And she even knew the answer to one of the questions that the teacher threw out to the class. So now she's all hard core to finish up with 3rd grade as quick as possible so she's can get one grade closer to college!!
We had a nice, boring time this weekend. I took little one and one of her girlfriends to see the "On Account of Winn Dixie" movie. I highly recommend it if you have a child 5th grade and under.
Nothing else much happened except the husband was sick with a cold all weekend, and he turns every little illness into a major production. So it was entertaining to watch him dramatize about his latest "near death" experience.
One funny note, he was walking out of the bathroom and as I walked by, so I yelled out, "Boo!" He grabbed his heart and leaned into the doorway, and looked like he was going to pass out on the spot. This kinda made me nervous knowing that he's suppose to be the big brave strong one, in case an intruder ever broke into the house!
Luckily for me, all my little angels have different daddies (as before you get any ideas and start calling me harlot, different mommies too!) so the older 2 decided to take off to spend the week with their worthless, ain't got real jobs, daddies. (Not that I am judging or anything!) So big boy ran off on Tuesday, right after I told him that I expected him to vacuum and dust the entire house, and right before he actually did it! And big girl took off on Thursday afternoon, AFTER she had completed her chores for the week. (GOOD GIRL!)
So that left us with the little one (8 yrs old) to entertain. Unfortunately, her daddy lives at our house (as my hapless Hubby!), and her mother in mostly invisible so she got stuck with us, the old farts, for the remainder of the week! Well, we didn't have any means of babysitters (what with our indentured servants on vacation with their daddies) so Hubby had to take little one to college with him one day. (Daddy had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb..) Well, she absolutely loved it!!! And she even knew the answer to one of the questions that the teacher threw out to the class. So now she's all hard core to finish up with 3rd grade as quick as possible so she's can get one grade closer to college!!
We had a nice, boring time this weekend. I took little one and one of her girlfriends to see the "On Account of Winn Dixie" movie. I highly recommend it if you have a child 5th grade and under.
Nothing else much happened except the husband was sick with a cold all weekend, and he turns every little illness into a major production. So it was entertaining to watch him dramatize about his latest "near death" experience.
One funny note, he was walking out of the bathroom and as I walked by, so I yelled out, "Boo!" He grabbed his heart and leaned into the doorway, and looked like he was going to pass out on the spot. This kinda made me nervous knowing that he's suppose to be the big brave strong one, in case an intruder ever broke into the house!
Friday, February 25, 2005
Pope a licious!!
Is it just me, or have you also noticed that the Pope never takes a vacation.!Now I am not a Cath-o-lick or anything, but I do go to church. My Pastor is from Arkansas, and once a year we pack him and the family up and send them home for a little R & R. Our Pastor is also into fishing and scuba diving (not very preacherly! but he is) so we also like to send him to the water once a year to do a little fishing and diving. Then the Pastor comes back after a week, refreshed and loaded down with pictures of all the fun he and the wife had during their little vacation. We (the church) loves when the pastor comes back from vacation, cause he's all smiles, and he has about a million great stories to tell in church. Not just any story mind you, as our Pastor is a master "yarn weaver". We love his stories because he manages to weave the Word into every day life for us, and we see how to apply Faith into our everyday lives.
But have you ever noticed..... that the Pope NEVER takes a vacation?!? Have you ever seen a picture of the Pope in swim trunks, setting on the beach, holding a Daiquiri? Nope. Bet not. Have you ever seen the Pope fishing? Scuba Diving? Riding a horse, wearing chaps? Nope!! See Cath-o-lick People, that's why your Pope is sick. That's why your Pope has been bitching about your lack of faith for the last 30 years! That's why he always looks like he just sucked on a lemon. That's why he's in the hospital AGAIN! Because you guys NEVER EVER give him a vacation.
Here's a suggestion, book him in a Sandal's Resort on some island IMMEDIATELY. Or better yet, get him on the next Disney Cruise leaving Cape Canaveral!! Or, how about a week at a Dude ranch! (Ofcourse, you'll have to get him outta that dress and into some Levis.)
I feel really bad for the poor Pope, he's older than dirt, and he's still working!! What is he, like in his 80's?!? For heavens sakes, leave the poor man alone, and let him retire! I think that being a Pope is alot like joining a Gang. You get jumped in, and if you survive, then you're in the 'Pope gang' until you die. That kinda sucks. Take the Pope before this one for instance. He got jumped in and died like a month later. I can just imagine all those Cardinals with the last Pope laying on the floor, while they kicked the crap outta of the poor guy screaming, "You talking to me? I know you ain't talking to me?!?!" That's what really happened to the Pope before this one.
And anyway, don't you think that the the name John Paul is just about wore out! I say it's time for a Pope Steve, or a Pope Ryan, or how about a Pope Justin!?! How are we suppose to keep up with them all, if they all have the same first and last names? Hey, that's probably why the poor guy can't take a vacation. Can you imagine trying to book the Pope into a hotel?
"Hello and thank you for calling Holiday Inn, how can I help you?"
"Yes, I am calling from the Vatican and I'd like to make a reservation."
"OK, sir what name would you like to book that under."
"Last name John Paul, first name Pope."
"Don't you mean first name John Paul and last name Pope."
"No, last name John Paul, first name Pope."
"Ok, sir let me see if I have this correct. First name is John Paul and the last name is Pope?"
"No! Last name John Paul, first name Pope!"
"Ok sir, first name is John Paul and the last name is Pope?"
"No dammit!!! THE FRICKING LAST NAME IS JOHN PAUL AND THE FIRST NAME IS POPE. Aw hell!! Just forget it, I'm calling the Days Inn!!!
So anyway, at the very least, let your Pope take a little break!! I mean, what's the worst that could happen if he takes a week off?? You all run out to the store and buy contraceptives and take a week off from procreating? Or you cheat and eat Pork Rinds for dinner on a Friday, instead of fish? You do it anyway and you know that you can always confess it later!!!
But have you ever noticed..... that the Pope NEVER takes a vacation?!? Have you ever seen a picture of the Pope in swim trunks, setting on the beach, holding a Daiquiri? Nope. Bet not. Have you ever seen the Pope fishing? Scuba Diving? Riding a horse, wearing chaps? Nope!! See Cath-o-lick People, that's why your Pope is sick. That's why your Pope has been bitching about your lack of faith for the last 30 years! That's why he always looks like he just sucked on a lemon. That's why he's in the hospital AGAIN! Because you guys NEVER EVER give him a vacation.
Here's a suggestion, book him in a Sandal's Resort on some island IMMEDIATELY. Or better yet, get him on the next Disney Cruise leaving Cape Canaveral!! Or, how about a week at a Dude ranch! (Ofcourse, you'll have to get him outta that dress and into some Levis.)
I feel really bad for the poor Pope, he's older than dirt, and he's still working!! What is he, like in his 80's?!? For heavens sakes, leave the poor man alone, and let him retire! I think that being a Pope is alot like joining a Gang. You get jumped in, and if you survive, then you're in the 'Pope gang' until you die. That kinda sucks. Take the Pope before this one for instance. He got jumped in and died like a month later. I can just imagine all those Cardinals with the last Pope laying on the floor, while they kicked the crap outta of the poor guy screaming, "You talking to me? I know you ain't talking to me?!?!" That's what really happened to the Pope before this one.
And anyway, don't you think that the the name John Paul is just about wore out! I say it's time for a Pope Steve, or a Pope Ryan, or how about a Pope Justin!?! How are we suppose to keep up with them all, if they all have the same first and last names? Hey, that's probably why the poor guy can't take a vacation. Can you imagine trying to book the Pope into a hotel?
"Hello and thank you for calling Holiday Inn, how can I help you?"
"Yes, I am calling from the Vatican and I'd like to make a reservation."
"OK, sir what name would you like to book that under."
"Last name John Paul, first name Pope."
"Don't you mean first name John Paul and last name Pope."
"No, last name John Paul, first name Pope."
"Ok, sir let me see if I have this correct. First name is John Paul and the last name is Pope?"
"No! Last name John Paul, first name Pope!"
"Ok sir, first name is John Paul and the last name is Pope?"
"No dammit!!! THE FRICKING LAST NAME IS JOHN PAUL AND THE FIRST NAME IS POPE. Aw hell!! Just forget it, I'm calling the Days Inn!!!
So anyway, at the very least, let your Pope take a little break!! I mean, what's the worst that could happen if he takes a week off?? You all run out to the store and buy contraceptives and take a week off from procreating? Or you cheat and eat Pork Rinds for dinner on a Friday, instead of fish? You do it anyway and you know that you can always confess it later!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
I have been Mary K O'd!!
If you have never been to a Mary Kay party? If not, I suggest you go. It's kinda of hokey, but it's really fun!
So my niece was invited to a Mary Kay/Birthday party for Mom's and Daughters, and since she doesn't have a mom, and I was handy...guess who got to play the stand in role for Mom? Me!! The kid and Mom hosting this party are friends of mine from church, and I've never seen the Mom within 10 feet of a make up mirror, so I thought it'd be a real hoot.
So I zip out a homemade birthday card on the ole' home computer, throw a $20 in it and off we go, thru the rain and hail, with the 8 yr old daughter in tow.
So we get to the party, and find out that it's going to be 3 moms and 3 teens total. The kitchen table is all set up and ready to "party". Meaning that the MK Lady has these adorable little pink mirrors and foam art trays set at every place. The table was also piled with all the MK products that we might be using that night. After a little chit chatting we all set down and MK Lady gives us the MK spill. She asks us what we know about MK products and the only thing that I could think of to say was, "Well, I know for a fact that MK finally kicked the bucket."
The MK Lady got a reverent look on her face and said that no one every really knew her true age. Then MK Lady went around the table and asked each one of us what our nightly beauty regiment was. I, being the uneducated beauty idiot that I am, happily said, "Soap and Water!"
MK Lady takes about 4 steps back, (Like she thinks that I am about to steal her purse.) grabs her heart and tells me that it might be too late to reverse all the damage that I've done to my face. Horror of horrors!! (OK, I'm 40, and I have earned every damn laugh line and wrinkle, AND I still get mistaken for my kids' sister, I'LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW!!) So after she said that, I didn't think that it would be prudent to tell her that I actually use the hand soap thats suppose to kill germs on my face.....
Then MK Lady starts to tell us about the complicated and detailed nightly beauty routine that she submits her face to every night. Cleanse, Tone, Moisturize, etc..etc.. As she's talking, I start counting wrinkles on her face (lots), and noticing the Samsonite Luggage under her eyes. Oh well..
MK Lady also tells us that we need to take care of our hands, and she details a 4 part moisturizing, beauty treatment for our little paws, and asks for a volunteer. Being that braveheart that I am, I instantly raise my craggy, liver spotted mit in the air and say, "Me, Me, oh pick ME!!"
So she takes me to the sink, and greases my hand with a product that suspiciously reminds me of Crisco, then makes me rub, rub, rub. Next comes the exfoliation product, and rub, rub, rub. 3rd step was on to the cleanser, by this time, my hands look like I had dipped them in sour cream, and rub, rub, rub. Then she tells me that I can wash them, FINALLY!! YEAH!! So I wash and dry them, then what does she do? Puts something else that resembles Crisco right back on them!! What is that all about? I am thinking, that number 2 and 3 products probably don't do squat, but were thrown in the package so that MK Lady can double the price!! Anyway, after I moisturized the paws, then everyone wanted to get in on the act, so that killed 30 minutes. That's when I noticed a most delicious chocolate cake setting off to the side, and decided that we needed to get this show on the road and eat some cake!!
After the hand washing ritual was completed, MK Lady sets up down out our cute little mirrors and starts squirting 4 different kinds of cream on each foam tray. Then she instructs us all to take our index and middle (bird) finger and rub cream #1 every so gently into our cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" (Guess she never got hit in the boob, huh?). So we all start rubbing round and round on our cheeks, only I forgot to use the index finger and was rubbing with only my bird fingers which sent all the teenagers into fits of laughter and then they all dropped their index fingers during the rubbing session. This action resulted in a sharp look from MK Lady, who was taking our beauty routines VERY seriously!!
After both cheeks are thoroughly saturated with gobs of MK cream, MK Lady hands us a wet paper towel and tells us to remove our make up. REMOVE OUR MAKE UP??
Me: "Whadda mean remove our make up?"
MK: Yes, you must now remove your make up so that you can experience our fine MK products."
Me: "Er, nobody ever said anything about us removing our make up."
While I am bitching and moaning about this, I look in the mirror and realize that the cream that I just rubbed so gently into my cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" was eating my make up off my face like bathroom scrubbing bubbles.
Now I got a problem with taking my make up off, a big problem. No one has every seen me with out the war paint, except the hubby and kids. And I only let the hubby saw me like this AFTER I got married!! Now, I don't know about you girls, but as for me, I am the type of girl who takes her make up bag everywhere. I even had it in the recovery room after my kids were born and after my surgery a couple of years ago!! No one sees the Queen without her war paint!!
So seeing that the make up was half off already, and checking to make sure that the hostess' husband was safely in the other room, comatose in front of the television, I commenced to removing my kabuki mask. After about 3 rolls of paper towels, and a good 5 minutes of scrubbing, I was bare faced atlast.
All the teens and Mom just kind of looked at each other real bashful while mentally trying to figure out who was the ugliest without make up. One of the cheekier girls spoke up and said, "Mom, you look TERRIBLE without makeup!" So I reminded her that scientific evidence shows that all girls will look EXACTLY like their mother's in 20 years. The poor girl was so stricken that she had to leave the room for fresh air!
After stripping down to our real skin, we were then instructed to dab cream #2 into our "tender eye regions", " the most tender parts of our bodies" using (this time) only the ring finger! in a "upward circular motion""carefully avoiding the eye lashes as this will make our mascara run if we get lotion on them". Well, I was so freaked out with all the instructions, that I immediately stuck my finger in my eye and got cream on my contact! Next we were allowed to use cream #3 on the rest of our faces again using the other 2 fingers and same ole' "upward circular motion". Mission Accomplished.
Then MK Lady went around with plastic card that she held to our freshly scrubbed cheeks under the kitchen light. This was so she could determine what color we were. (I can see EEOC forms all over the world being changed from Caucasian, Afro American, and Latino to Ivory, Ebony and Beige.) I am proud to say that after 40 years of guessing and hoping, that I am Ivory 200 Medium, thank you very much!!
Then she gave us a little make up samples in our predetermined color. We were instructed to squirt the make up in our little foam trays. Then we were told to apply the make only to one cheek and wait 2 minutes to determine the TRUE color match. So we all did. With the exception of one of the mom's who had a really red face from all the scrubbing, MK Lady was dead on with the correct colors.
After it was determined that our make up matched our faces, we were allowed to put the color all over our faces. Now I don't know about you, but when I apply foundation, I find it necessary to make funny faces. Faces like, turning my head up and looking down sideways, then opening my mouth and sticking my tongue in my cheek. I don't know why, it just helps to get the darn stuff on my face. Unfortunately, I noticed that no one else at the party, has this affliction. So after all the facial contortions, I managed to cover my entire face in foundation.
Next it was on to eyes/cheeks/lips. so MK Lady tosses about a dozen paper cards on the table and cheerfully says, "These are coordinated color palettes for you eye, cheeks, and lips. Pick out any color you'd like to try."
I get all glassy eyed and ask, "Um. aren't you going to tell me if I am Winter, Spring or Summer?"
MK Lady: "What?"
Me: "So what color am I? Winter, Spring or Summer?"
MK Lady (confused look): "What are you talking about"
Me: "Oh nevermind, which one do you suggest?"
MK Lady: "Just pick out something that you wouldn't normally wear."
OK, so I spy a lovely palette card called, Breezy. Lovely name! I open it to find a dark dark blue eye shadow along with 2 other eye shadows that appeared to be Taupe. Orange Cheek Blush and Coral Lipstick in a shade called Cantaloupe. Now I love anything Coral, it looks terrible on me, but I just like thye word... Coral Coral Coral. Reminds me of the ocean. Thinking of the ocean reminds me of Pina Coladas, and I LOVE PINA COLADAS!! But, I am getting off the subject.
So MK Lady says, "OK now you can start putting your colors on your faces!" Yippie, and here I was thinking that since SHE was the "Beauty Expert" that she'd be doing all the painting. Oh well.. Lucky for us all, there was VERY detailed directions on how to apply all these lovely shades to our various body parts. So I start with the eyes, I load my teeny tiny little eye wand up with the 1st eye shadow and slap it on. Then I turn the teeny tiny little wand over and load color #2 and slap that above color #1 on my eye. Then seeing that I had yet another color to apply (The dramatic highlight color, she called it.) I had to put another teeny tiny little wand from my color palette to apply color #3. So I slap on color #3 right where the card said to put in and start looking around for another card so that I can work on the other eye.
About that time, the hostess looks up from her mirror over at me and starts laughing hysterically. (Wench.) The everyone else looks at me and start laughing too. (So what the heck is so funny, I ask.) About this time, MK Lady looks over at me and hisses, "I am sure that she will blend that in!" her her most serious meanest voice.
So I look at my eye in the mirror and grab my teeny tiny little wand and start moving some of the eye shadows over to the other eye. I was following the card instructions to the T (so I thought) but apparently even though the card shows that you are suppose to look like Boy George after you apply all this color, you're not! Curses!! As instructed by the suddenly evil MK Lady, I start to blend blend blend.
So after I blend the Boy George color into my eye, and every one else at the table have applied their eye shades perfectly, like damn super models, we are instructed to find the apples of our cheeks. This is so that we can put on blush (or rouge as she said, Tres French!!) So here I am feeling my face up like a pedophile in a daycare, looking for my apple. No Luck! No apples on this girl. Maybe if I'd actually ate some apples instead of all those candied apples, I could find thohse elusive apples in my cheeks. We were instructed to "carefully and lightly" apply our "rouge" in a "half moon along our apple", so I just stuck 2 half moons under my eyes instead.
MK Lady suddenly forgot that we were suppose to put on our eyeliner, so we had to go back to the eyeballs for a little more. So she hands out these lovely microscopic eye liners and tells us to start applying. Now I don't know about ya'll, but I have spent the last 40 years trying to convince the world that I am a direct descendant of Cleopatra, so I line my eye all the way around, real heavy. Then as the added "Egyptian" touch, I like to put a upward curvy line at the outside end of my eye to complete the sexy exotic cat look.
Per MK Lady, this is a "NO NO NO". "For the naturally look" we are suppose to "lightly and gently feather" the liner on the top lid, then only line the bottom of the eye from the pupil to the outer end. (Yep, Mary Kay looked totally naturally!) No cool curves past the eye lid. "Otherwise we are closing off the eye" AND we are to never put any liner in the eye booger pool (inner corner) "because it is unsanitary". Well, thank the Lord, I found this lady before I died of pink eye!! Funny note, the hostess wench about poked her eye out with the eye liner and then had a laughing fit and almost peed her pants. (That'll teach you to laugh at me!!)
So after the eye liner, we go to the lips. Now the lips are a complicated detailed 3 step process. First step in to line. "Line the kissy part first" (Her words!) to make a sexy pout. Then the old ladies in the group (Moms) were instructed to line OUTSIDE our natural lip line because apparently, in addition to sagging boobs, wrinkles and cellulite, our lips are also falling into our mouths and disappearing. Therefore, we need to draw big fat fake ones around where the old ones use to reside. Now, God blessed me with a fat ass and big feet, but to make up for it, he gave me big fat lips! But who am I to argue with a trained professional, so I draw a big circle around me mouth. MK Lady glances over nervously and yells, "Don't line all the way to the end!!" Uh ooh, anybody got a Kleenex?
Next we are instructed to apply our lipstick inside the lines. I look for my teeny tiny lipstick applicator and discover to my horror that I already used it to put on that 3rd coat of eye shadow. So I discreetly wip my wand on the corner of the table clothe, under the table. Next, I apply to lovely coral lipstick that resembles a sunset in Hawaii inside my new lip line. After we all get our fabulously huge lips finished. MK Lady starts handing out lip gloss samples. I get coffee and cream, mmm mmm good. I was so happy, it even smelled and tasted like coffee and cream, and by this time, I was sure ready for some caffeine. Then I started smelling cotton candy, chocolate, and strawberries and cream, and looked around and realized that everyone else in the room, got something even better. I was really bummed, I was kind of craving something sweet. So we all put our super shiny lip glosses on and check ourselves in the mirror.
I could see my entire reflection in my lips, that was so cool! But my lips were HUGE!!! Like something out of a horror picture. I couldn't believe 'em, it was like the "Lips that ate New York"!!!
After lip time, MK Lady tells us that we all need to put on mascara. (Wonder why we keep switching back and forth all over the face?) So, OKey dokey. She gives us tiny little wands loaded full of "Luxurious MK Mascara" and we start apply. She also told us to never "pump" our wands, but to "twist them" then proceeded to show us how to twist our wands in our containers. It looked suspiciously exactly like it does, when you are twisting the cap off! Then she tells us that bugs live on our eye lashes and that if we don't wash all our mascara off every night that the bugs will eat the mascara and all our eye lashes off. And that the lashes won't grow back!! Yep, I really wanted to know that MK Lady!! This statement makes me want to taste my mascara to see what those bugs are all hyped up bout! The hostess was so alarmed by this statement that she then proceeded to poke her other eye with the mascara wand. By this time, I am thinking that this girl must be into S&M.
Finally after mascara is applied, we all set back in our chairs and admire our new looks. I have to admit that it was a little much for me, but I did really love the foundation and it wasn't expensive, so I bought a tube of that.
After MK Lady got our orders, then and only then were we allowed to have dessert. Well, heck by this time, I had so much gunk on my face, I could barely open my mouth, so I only had the tiniest sliver of chocolate cake. Curses!!
After all was finished, it was 10 o'clock and I had to go get my teen boy from work. So he gets in the car, and do you think he EVEN NOTICED mommy's new look? Heck no! I swear, teenagers are SO self involved!! Finally I get home, and my husband sees me and does a double take, then a triple take, then he actually walks out of the room and back in. He finally says, "That is just too much make up!! You look like a prostitute!" So I ask him how much he'd pay me to have sex with him. Apparently I didn't look that much like a prostitute because he didn't take me up on the offer. Darnit.
So I go take a shower and wash away my fabulous night of fun down into the drain, using only soap and water....
Another life in the day..
So my niece was invited to a Mary Kay/Birthday party for Mom's and Daughters, and since she doesn't have a mom, and I was handy...guess who got to play the stand in role for Mom? Me!! The kid and Mom hosting this party are friends of mine from church, and I've never seen the Mom within 10 feet of a make up mirror, so I thought it'd be a real hoot.
So I zip out a homemade birthday card on the ole' home computer, throw a $20 in it and off we go, thru the rain and hail, with the 8 yr old daughter in tow.
So we get to the party, and find out that it's going to be 3 moms and 3 teens total. The kitchen table is all set up and ready to "party". Meaning that the MK Lady has these adorable little pink mirrors and foam art trays set at every place. The table was also piled with all the MK products that we might be using that night. After a little chit chatting we all set down and MK Lady gives us the MK spill. She asks us what we know about MK products and the only thing that I could think of to say was, "Well, I know for a fact that MK finally kicked the bucket."
The MK Lady got a reverent look on her face and said that no one every really knew her true age. Then MK Lady went around the table and asked each one of us what our nightly beauty regiment was. I, being the uneducated beauty idiot that I am, happily said, "Soap and Water!"
MK Lady takes about 4 steps back, (Like she thinks that I am about to steal her purse.) grabs her heart and tells me that it might be too late to reverse all the damage that I've done to my face. Horror of horrors!! (OK, I'm 40, and I have earned every damn laugh line and wrinkle, AND I still get mistaken for my kids' sister, I'LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW!!) So after she said that, I didn't think that it would be prudent to tell her that I actually use the hand soap thats suppose to kill germs on my face.....
Then MK Lady starts to tell us about the complicated and detailed nightly beauty routine that she submits her face to every night. Cleanse, Tone, Moisturize, etc..etc.. As she's talking, I start counting wrinkles on her face (lots), and noticing the Samsonite Luggage under her eyes. Oh well..
MK Lady also tells us that we need to take care of our hands, and she details a 4 part moisturizing, beauty treatment for our little paws, and asks for a volunteer. Being that braveheart that I am, I instantly raise my craggy, liver spotted mit in the air and say, "Me, Me, oh pick ME!!"
So she takes me to the sink, and greases my hand with a product that suspiciously reminds me of Crisco, then makes me rub, rub, rub. Next comes the exfoliation product, and rub, rub, rub. 3rd step was on to the cleanser, by this time, my hands look like I had dipped them in sour cream, and rub, rub, rub. Then she tells me that I can wash them, FINALLY!! YEAH!! So I wash and dry them, then what does she do? Puts something else that resembles Crisco right back on them!! What is that all about? I am thinking, that number 2 and 3 products probably don't do squat, but were thrown in the package so that MK Lady can double the price!! Anyway, after I moisturized the paws, then everyone wanted to get in on the act, so that killed 30 minutes. That's when I noticed a most delicious chocolate cake setting off to the side, and decided that we needed to get this show on the road and eat some cake!!
After the hand washing ritual was completed, MK Lady sets up down out our cute little mirrors and starts squirting 4 different kinds of cream on each foam tray. Then she instructs us all to take our index and middle (bird) finger and rub cream #1 every so gently into our cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" (Guess she never got hit in the boob, huh?). So we all start rubbing round and round on our cheeks, only I forgot to use the index finger and was rubbing with only my bird fingers which sent all the teenagers into fits of laughter and then they all dropped their index fingers during the rubbing session. This action resulted in a sharp look from MK Lady, who was taking our beauty routines VERY seriously!!
After both cheeks are thoroughly saturated with gobs of MK cream, MK Lady hands us a wet paper towel and tells us to remove our make up. REMOVE OUR MAKE UP??
Me: "Whadda mean remove our make up?"
MK: Yes, you must now remove your make up so that you can experience our fine MK products."
Me: "Er, nobody ever said anything about us removing our make up."
While I am bitching and moaning about this, I look in the mirror and realize that the cream that I just rubbed so gently into my cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" was eating my make up off my face like bathroom scrubbing bubbles.
Now I got a problem with taking my make up off, a big problem. No one has every seen me with out the war paint, except the hubby and kids. And I only let the hubby saw me like this AFTER I got married!! Now, I don't know about you girls, but as for me, I am the type of girl who takes her make up bag everywhere. I even had it in the recovery room after my kids were born and after my surgery a couple of years ago!! No one sees the Queen without her war paint!!
So seeing that the make up was half off already, and checking to make sure that the hostess' husband was safely in the other room, comatose in front of the television, I commenced to removing my kabuki mask. After about 3 rolls of paper towels, and a good 5 minutes of scrubbing, I was bare faced atlast.
All the teens and Mom just kind of looked at each other real bashful while mentally trying to figure out who was the ugliest without make up. One of the cheekier girls spoke up and said, "Mom, you look TERRIBLE without makeup!" So I reminded her that scientific evidence shows that all girls will look EXACTLY like their mother's in 20 years. The poor girl was so stricken that she had to leave the room for fresh air!
After stripping down to our real skin, we were then instructed to dab cream #2 into our "tender eye regions", " the most tender parts of our bodies" using (this time) only the ring finger! in a "upward circular motion""carefully avoiding the eye lashes as this will make our mascara run if we get lotion on them". Well, I was so freaked out with all the instructions, that I immediately stuck my finger in my eye and got cream on my contact! Next we were allowed to use cream #3 on the rest of our faces again using the other 2 fingers and same ole' "upward circular motion". Mission Accomplished.
Then MK Lady went around with plastic card that she held to our freshly scrubbed cheeks under the kitchen light. This was so she could determine what color we were. (I can see EEOC forms all over the world being changed from Caucasian, Afro American, and Latino to Ivory, Ebony and Beige.) I am proud to say that after 40 years of guessing and hoping, that I am Ivory 200 Medium, thank you very much!!
Then she gave us a little make up samples in our predetermined color. We were instructed to squirt the make up in our little foam trays. Then we were told to apply the make only to one cheek and wait 2 minutes to determine the TRUE color match. So we all did. With the exception of one of the mom's who had a really red face from all the scrubbing, MK Lady was dead on with the correct colors.
After it was determined that our make up matched our faces, we were allowed to put the color all over our faces. Now I don't know about you, but when I apply foundation, I find it necessary to make funny faces. Faces like, turning my head up and looking down sideways, then opening my mouth and sticking my tongue in my cheek. I don't know why, it just helps to get the darn stuff on my face. Unfortunately, I noticed that no one else at the party, has this affliction. So after all the facial contortions, I managed to cover my entire face in foundation.
Next it was on to eyes/cheeks/lips. so MK Lady tosses about a dozen paper cards on the table and cheerfully says, "These are coordinated color palettes for you eye, cheeks, and lips. Pick out any color you'd like to try."
I get all glassy eyed and ask, "Um. aren't you going to tell me if I am Winter, Spring or Summer?"
MK Lady: "What?"
Me: "So what color am I? Winter, Spring or Summer?"
MK Lady (confused look): "What are you talking about"
Me: "Oh nevermind, which one do you suggest?"
MK Lady: "Just pick out something that you wouldn't normally wear."
OK, so I spy a lovely palette card called, Breezy. Lovely name! I open it to find a dark dark blue eye shadow along with 2 other eye shadows that appeared to be Taupe. Orange Cheek Blush and Coral Lipstick in a shade called Cantaloupe. Now I love anything Coral, it looks terrible on me, but I just like thye word... Coral Coral Coral. Reminds me of the ocean. Thinking of the ocean reminds me of Pina Coladas, and I LOVE PINA COLADAS!! But, I am getting off the subject.
So MK Lady says, "OK now you can start putting your colors on your faces!" Yippie, and here I was thinking that since SHE was the "Beauty Expert" that she'd be doing all the painting. Oh well.. Lucky for us all, there was VERY detailed directions on how to apply all these lovely shades to our various body parts. So I start with the eyes, I load my teeny tiny little eye wand up with the 1st eye shadow and slap it on. Then I turn the teeny tiny little wand over and load color #2 and slap that above color #1 on my eye. Then seeing that I had yet another color to apply (The dramatic highlight color, she called it.) I had to put another teeny tiny little wand from my color palette to apply color #3. So I slap on color #3 right where the card said to put in and start looking around for another card so that I can work on the other eye.
About that time, the hostess looks up from her mirror over at me and starts laughing hysterically. (Wench.) The everyone else looks at me and start laughing too. (So what the heck is so funny, I ask.) About this time, MK Lady looks over at me and hisses, "I am sure that she will blend that in!" her her most serious meanest voice.
So I look at my eye in the mirror and grab my teeny tiny little wand and start moving some of the eye shadows over to the other eye. I was following the card instructions to the T (so I thought) but apparently even though the card shows that you are suppose to look like Boy George after you apply all this color, you're not! Curses!! As instructed by the suddenly evil MK Lady, I start to blend blend blend.
So after I blend the Boy George color into my eye, and every one else at the table have applied their eye shades perfectly, like damn super models, we are instructed to find the apples of our cheeks. This is so that we can put on blush (or rouge as she said, Tres French!!) So here I am feeling my face up like a pedophile in a daycare, looking for my apple. No Luck! No apples on this girl. Maybe if I'd actually ate some apples instead of all those candied apples, I could find thohse elusive apples in my cheeks. We were instructed to "carefully and lightly" apply our "rouge" in a "half moon along our apple", so I just stuck 2 half moons under my eyes instead.
MK Lady suddenly forgot that we were suppose to put on our eyeliner, so we had to go back to the eyeballs for a little more. So she hands out these lovely microscopic eye liners and tells us to start applying. Now I don't know about ya'll, but I have spent the last 40 years trying to convince the world that I am a direct descendant of Cleopatra, so I line my eye all the way around, real heavy. Then as the added "Egyptian" touch, I like to put a upward curvy line at the outside end of my eye to complete the sexy exotic cat look.
Per MK Lady, this is a "NO NO NO". "For the naturally look" we are suppose to "lightly and gently feather" the liner on the top lid, then only line the bottom of the eye from the pupil to the outer end. (Yep, Mary Kay looked totally naturally!) No cool curves past the eye lid. "Otherwise we are closing off the eye" AND we are to never put any liner in the eye booger pool (inner corner) "because it is unsanitary". Well, thank the Lord, I found this lady before I died of pink eye!! Funny note, the hostess wench about poked her eye out with the eye liner and then had a laughing fit and almost peed her pants. (That'll teach you to laugh at me!!)
So after the eye liner, we go to the lips. Now the lips are a complicated detailed 3 step process. First step in to line. "Line the kissy part first" (Her words!) to make a sexy pout. Then the old ladies in the group (Moms) were instructed to line OUTSIDE our natural lip line because apparently, in addition to sagging boobs, wrinkles and cellulite, our lips are also falling into our mouths and disappearing. Therefore, we need to draw big fat fake ones around where the old ones use to reside. Now, God blessed me with a fat ass and big feet, but to make up for it, he gave me big fat lips! But who am I to argue with a trained professional, so I draw a big circle around me mouth. MK Lady glances over nervously and yells, "Don't line all the way to the end!!" Uh ooh, anybody got a Kleenex?
Next we are instructed to apply our lipstick inside the lines. I look for my teeny tiny lipstick applicator and discover to my horror that I already used it to put on that 3rd coat of eye shadow. So I discreetly wip my wand on the corner of the table clothe, under the table. Next, I apply to lovely coral lipstick that resembles a sunset in Hawaii inside my new lip line. After we all get our fabulously huge lips finished. MK Lady starts handing out lip gloss samples. I get coffee and cream, mmm mmm good. I was so happy, it even smelled and tasted like coffee and cream, and by this time, I was sure ready for some caffeine. Then I started smelling cotton candy, chocolate, and strawberries and cream, and looked around and realized that everyone else in the room, got something even better. I was really bummed, I was kind of craving something sweet. So we all put our super shiny lip glosses on and check ourselves in the mirror.
I could see my entire reflection in my lips, that was so cool! But my lips were HUGE!!! Like something out of a horror picture. I couldn't believe 'em, it was like the "Lips that ate New York"!!!
After lip time, MK Lady tells us that we all need to put on mascara. (Wonder why we keep switching back and forth all over the face?) So, OKey dokey. She gives us tiny little wands loaded full of "Luxurious MK Mascara" and we start apply. She also told us to never "pump" our wands, but to "twist them" then proceeded to show us how to twist our wands in our containers. It looked suspiciously exactly like it does, when you are twisting the cap off! Then she tells us that bugs live on our eye lashes and that if we don't wash all our mascara off every night that the bugs will eat the mascara and all our eye lashes off. And that the lashes won't grow back!! Yep, I really wanted to know that MK Lady!! This statement makes me want to taste my mascara to see what those bugs are all hyped up bout! The hostess was so alarmed by this statement that she then proceeded to poke her other eye with the mascara wand. By this time, I am thinking that this girl must be into S&M.
Finally after mascara is applied, we all set back in our chairs and admire our new looks. I have to admit that it was a little much for me, but I did really love the foundation and it wasn't expensive, so I bought a tube of that.
After MK Lady got our orders, then and only then were we allowed to have dessert. Well, heck by this time, I had so much gunk on my face, I could barely open my mouth, so I only had the tiniest sliver of chocolate cake. Curses!!
After all was finished, it was 10 o'clock and I had to go get my teen boy from work. So he gets in the car, and do you think he EVEN NOTICED mommy's new look? Heck no! I swear, teenagers are SO self involved!! Finally I get home, and my husband sees me and does a double take, then a triple take, then he actually walks out of the room and back in. He finally says, "That is just too much make up!! You look like a prostitute!" So I ask him how much he'd pay me to have sex with him. Apparently I didn't look that much like a prostitute because he didn't take me up on the offer. Darnit.
So I go take a shower and wash away my fabulous night of fun down into the drain, using only soap and water....
Another life in the day..
Friday, February 18, 2005
Conversations I've had with my kids...
Step Daughter when she was 4.
Me: Are you eating boogers?!?
Her: Yes.
Me: Why?
Her: Cause they taste good.
Other Kid: What do they taste like?
Her: Raspberries!!!
****************
Them today.
8 yr and 16 yr old (Now)
Him: If you don't stop bugging me, I'm gonna tell everyone about you eating Raspberries!
Her" WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
******************
My son when he was 3.
Him: Mom, I know all about boys and girls!
Me: You do? Tell me what you know.
Him: Boys have penises and Girls have china!
Me: That's right! You are VERY smart!
*******************
My son at 6.
Him: Mom, I know all about sex!
Me: Hush up and eat your burger.
Him: I do Mom!! I know that you have had sex 3 times. To make me, my brother and my sister!
Me: That's right!
Him: Mawmaw has had sex 5 times. To make Nana, Uncle C, Uncle J, Uncle B and Aunt J.
Me: That's right!
Him: But she's so old, I don't know who'd want to have sex with her!
**********************
My son now.
Me: Good Morning!
Him:
Me: Love ya!
Him:
Me: Give mommy a kiss!
Him:
Me: Wanna see the stretch marks that you put on Mommy's tummy?
Him: NNNOOOOO NNNNOOO NNNOOO!!!!
***********************
My other son at 2.
Him: I am pursefect. (perfect)
Me: You sure are!
************************
My other son now (at 21)
Him: Look Mom, I got a tattoo!
Me: Lord, help me!
Him: Look Mom, I got another tattoo!
Me: Kill me now!
Him: Look Mom, I got my nose pierced!
Me: TAKE ME NOW JESUS!!
***************************
My Niece at 8.
Her: I really like Pokemon.
Me: Why?
Her: Cause boys like 'em.
*****************************
My Neice now (15)
Her: I'm in love!
Me: Really? How long have you known him?
Her: Since yesterday!
Me: Um, don't you think that's a little quick?
Her: He's the love of my life!! Can I go to the skating ring? How does this shirt look? My butt is so big. I hate my chin. My boobs are too little. Can I borrow ten dollars? Do you think XYZ likes me?
Me: AAAAARRRRRGGGG!!!
Me: Are you eating boogers?!?
Her: Yes.
Me: Why?
Her: Cause they taste good.
Other Kid: What do they taste like?
Her: Raspberries!!!
****************
Them today.
8 yr and 16 yr old (Now)
Him: If you don't stop bugging me, I'm gonna tell everyone about you eating Raspberries!
Her" WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
******************
My son when he was 3.
Him: Mom, I know all about boys and girls!
Me: You do? Tell me what you know.
Him: Boys have penises and Girls have china!
Me: That's right! You are VERY smart!
*******************
My son at 6.
Him: Mom, I know all about sex!
Me: Hush up and eat your burger.
Him: I do Mom!! I know that you have had sex 3 times. To make me, my brother and my sister!
Me: That's right!
Him: Mawmaw has had sex 5 times. To make Nana, Uncle C, Uncle J, Uncle B and Aunt J.
Me: That's right!
Him: But she's so old, I don't know who'd want to have sex with her!
**********************
My son now.
Me: Good Morning!
Him:
Me: Love ya!
Him:
Me: Give mommy a kiss!
Him:
Me: Wanna see the stretch marks that you put on Mommy's tummy?
Him: NNNOOOOO NNNNOOO NNNOOO!!!!
***********************
My other son at 2.
Him: I am pursefect. (perfect)
Me: You sure are!
************************
My other son now (at 21)
Him: Look Mom, I got a tattoo!
Me: Lord, help me!
Him: Look Mom, I got another tattoo!
Me: Kill me now!
Him: Look Mom, I got my nose pierced!
Me: TAKE ME NOW JESUS!!
***************************
My Niece at 8.
Her: I really like Pokemon.
Me: Why?
Her: Cause boys like 'em.
*****************************
My Neice now (15)
Her: I'm in love!
Me: Really? How long have you known him?
Her: Since yesterday!
Me: Um, don't you think that's a little quick?
Her: He's the love of my life!! Can I go to the skating ring? How does this shirt look? My butt is so big. I hate my chin. My boobs are too little. Can I borrow ten dollars? Do you think XYZ likes me?
Me: AAAAARRRRRGGGG!!!
I am such a bad mother...
So I was perusing the local newspaper yesterday and saw the my eight year old made the Honor Roll. Reports cards came out last week and I didn't even bother to check her grades. I just let Dad sign away. I think that she's so smart that we naturally assume that she's on the honor roll. Last time I pitched a report card fit, it was because she made a 91 in Science, then I only half heartedly yelled, "You can do better!"
Now before you think that I am just bragging about how brilliant my eight year is, I must tell you that she is actually my step-child. Daughter of my also brilliant, somewhat anal husband. (He's retired from the Navy and goes to school fulltime and ALWAYS pulls down a 4.0) Our eight year old is also ranked in the top 10 percentile for all the smart kids in the US. How the school figured that one out, I will never know? But that's what the note that she brought home said. She's a hoot too. She used to come home from school all the time and say, "School is SO easy!" She even got in a little trouble last year for being chatty.
My husband thinks that she's chatty because she's bored. Sounds right to me. He's concerned that she is going to turn into a juvenile deliquent because of her talking problem, so he says to me, "What am I going to do?!?!"
I casually look over at My child (his step son) whose is sixteen years old, and intently studying a booger on his finger in the living room and say, "You're asking me? Have you met my kids?"
Seriously though, my husband and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when is comes to education. He quit school at 15, got a GED, was already in college when his high school class graduated. He then dropped out of college to "serve his country" and did the next 20 years in the Navy, working like a dog. He was the 1st at work and the last to leave every day.
I, on the other hand, finished high school, barely, with the rest of my class. Opted out of a nursing scholarship (Blood? Ick!!) and immediately starting spitting out babies and working at the 1st job, I could find. I've did ok, although I passionately hate my job now. I am performer, just not a superstar. I used to be the briefcase toting, suit wearing, power lunch girl, but I finally realized that my kids were suffering (and out of control) and that all I wanted to be remembered for, was that I loved my children. (sniff sniff)
I think that in order to get ahead in the work, it's expected that you step on your coworkers, neglect your kids and grub up to the man! I say, "Screw it all!!!" When you die, what do you want on your tombstone?
Now before you think that I am just bragging about how brilliant my eight year is, I must tell you that she is actually my step-child. Daughter of my also brilliant, somewhat anal husband. (He's retired from the Navy and goes to school fulltime and ALWAYS pulls down a 4.0) Our eight year old is also ranked in the top 10 percentile for all the smart kids in the US. How the school figured that one out, I will never know? But that's what the note that she brought home said. She's a hoot too. She used to come home from school all the time and say, "School is SO easy!" She even got in a little trouble last year for being chatty.
My husband thinks that she's chatty because she's bored. Sounds right to me. He's concerned that she is going to turn into a juvenile deliquent because of her talking problem, so he says to me, "What am I going to do?!?!"
I casually look over at My child (his step son) whose is sixteen years old, and intently studying a booger on his finger in the living room and say, "You're asking me? Have you met my kids?"
Seriously though, my husband and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when is comes to education. He quit school at 15, got a GED, was already in college when his high school class graduated. He then dropped out of college to "serve his country" and did the next 20 years in the Navy, working like a dog. He was the 1st at work and the last to leave every day.
I, on the other hand, finished high school, barely, with the rest of my class. Opted out of a nursing scholarship (Blood? Ick!!) and immediately starting spitting out babies and working at the 1st job, I could find. I've did ok, although I passionately hate my job now. I am performer, just not a superstar. I used to be the briefcase toting, suit wearing, power lunch girl, but I finally realized that my kids were suffering (and out of control) and that all I wanted to be remembered for, was that I loved my children. (sniff sniff)
I think that in order to get ahead in the work, it's expected that you step on your coworkers, neglect your kids and grub up to the man! I say, "Screw it all!!!" When you die, what do you want on your tombstone?
Here lies
Josie Blow
came in early
worked late
OR
Here lies
Josie Blow
beloved
Mother
Wife
Sister
Friend
So I guess what I am trying to instill in my kids, (ecspecially Little Miss Brilliant and Mr. Slackerboy) is to enjoy life. Live, Love, Laugh.
I look back on my life and realized that I missed so much. I was at work when my kids learned how to walk, I was at work when my children were learning their ABC's. I missed so many days. When I think back to the best times of my life, I don't remember anything about work, or the fabulous vacations that I took. I remember the times that I spent with my kids, the times when we cuddled under the blankets on a rainy morning, and times when I held them in my lap and they told me that I was the best mommy in the world.
I still feel like I am missing so much. I get up early, scream byebye as I hit the door to drive 2 hours to a job THAT I HATE!!, then drive 2 hours to get home, slap dinner on the table, do a load of laundry, yell at the kids to pick up their messes and collapse in front of the TV like a zombie..
When is my time to be a good mom? Would the kids even want me to be? Sometimes I talk to the older ones (15 and 16) and they look at me like I've grown another head. Other times I have them following me (ecspecially the 15 yr old) from room to room trying talk to me, as I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off.
My eight year old has just about given up, she just stays either outside or in her room.
AARGGGHHH!!! I'd got to get control of my life before it's too late. I need more time and patience!! I need it like a crackhead needs a fix!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The State of the Royal Titties...
There I said it, Titties!! I am going straight to hell. But I must comment on the Future Princess Consort Camilla's rack. I am just sure that the English press must hate her worse than spicey food. I know this is true, because every bit of footage that they are showing of her, has her in that hideous Gunny Sack Prom Dress from the '80's. (The white long sleeved number.) It doesn't do a thing for her figure!!
I am guessing that Camilla is probably loaded considering that she is dating a Prince and lives on a big estate in England. I just gotta wonder why she doesn't invest in a Wonder Bra. Lord help us, Queen Elizabeth's breasts are about six inches highes on her chest that Cam's and she is 20 years older and has spit out 4 kids as compared to Cam's 2. (Probably didn't breast feed them though. I am sure that this duty feel to the Royal Milk Nurse or Royal Nanny.)
Camilla honey, let's get this show on the road! Go out and have those fangs brightened so you don't look like Austin Powers and invest in some support bras. And very soon you too will be the toast of England. We all love a Princess, even if she's a Princess Consort!!
I am guessing that Camilla is probably loaded considering that she is dating a Prince and lives on a big estate in England. I just gotta wonder why she doesn't invest in a Wonder Bra. Lord help us, Queen Elizabeth's breasts are about six inches highes on her chest that Cam's and she is 20 years older and has spit out 4 kids as compared to Cam's 2. (Probably didn't breast feed them though. I am sure that this duty feel to the Royal Milk Nurse or Royal Nanny.)
Camilla honey, let's get this show on the road! Go out and have those fangs brightened so you don't look like Austin Powers and invest in some support bras. And very soon you too will be the toast of England. We all love a Princess, even if she's a Princess Consort!!
Monday, February 14, 2005
Please, I need advice..
My boss is a total ass. He is arrogant and pompous. These are his good qualities!! Here's my concern. He has this habit of flicking people in the head. Yep, I said FLICKING PEOPLE IN THE HEAD.
The first time he showed this side to me, we were standing in the middle of the office surrounded by about 5 other people and he had some papers in his hand. We were talking about a customer and he didn't like the answer that I gave him, so he just reached over and banged me over the head with his papers. I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. I come from a culture (upbringing) where hitting just doesn't take place, and isn't allowed. Even when you are trying to be cute. I am sure that I turned instantly red allover. (I also do not appreciate it when someone touches my head or hair - think Mary's brother in Something About Mary.)
I was so pissed, but I didn't say anything. I thought that I might be over reacting, but then I heard a coworker say to someone else in the office, "For God's sake, don't piss him off, or he'll hit you too." I told a couple of my girlfriends about it later and they were also mortified, but had no real advice on how to handle it. I also told my hubby about it and he wanted to whoop his ass. (I think because he saw how mortified I was when I told him.)
Oh it doesn't stop here. He has also done this to a coworker. And the boss has tried to flick me in the head again, twice!! One time, he was setting at his desk and I was standing beside him. (He asked me a question, then when I answered, he puts his fingers up and tries to flick me in the head.) Last time this happened I backed away and he said, "Come here." like he thought I would let him hit me!! I just looked at him real dirty and changed the subject.
Again, the stupid bastard tried to do it to me again this morning!!! This was about 10 minutes after I drove an hour and half thru the damn rain to get to work!!! Bastard!! He didn't do it, but he stood over me with his fingers about 8 inches from my forehead like he was going to flick me. I don't even know why! Ok, like I said, I need advice please.
Although I am not a hitter. (damn I have spent the last 20 something years teaching my kids not to hit) I was so close to putting my fingers together and pretending like I was going to flick him in the balls. I would have, but I thought that it would border on some kind of "sexual workplace" infraction.
I don't know what to do!! Should I say something like, "Excuse me, we do not hit." Call his Boss and tell him what's going on? Try to be cute about it when he does it? or just continue to ignore it? I don't think that I can continue to ignore it, it pisses me off so badly!
I feel that this is an intimindation thing with him. Whenever he does it to me, or I see him do it to someone else, I get really disturbed and angry. Maybe I am over reacting, but if I heard that my husband or children did this to someone, I would totally pitch the world's biggest hissy fit!
Any Ideas?
The first time he showed this side to me, we were standing in the middle of the office surrounded by about 5 other people and he had some papers in his hand. We were talking about a customer and he didn't like the answer that I gave him, so he just reached over and banged me over the head with his papers. I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. I come from a culture (upbringing) where hitting just doesn't take place, and isn't allowed. Even when you are trying to be cute. I am sure that I turned instantly red allover. (I also do not appreciate it when someone touches my head or hair - think Mary's brother in Something About Mary.)
I was so pissed, but I didn't say anything. I thought that I might be over reacting, but then I heard a coworker say to someone else in the office, "For God's sake, don't piss him off, or he'll hit you too." I told a couple of my girlfriends about it later and they were also mortified, but had no real advice on how to handle it. I also told my hubby about it and he wanted to whoop his ass. (I think because he saw how mortified I was when I told him.)
Oh it doesn't stop here. He has also done this to a coworker. And the boss has tried to flick me in the head again, twice!! One time, he was setting at his desk and I was standing beside him. (He asked me a question, then when I answered, he puts his fingers up and tries to flick me in the head.) Last time this happened I backed away and he said, "Come here." like he thought I would let him hit me!! I just looked at him real dirty and changed the subject.
Again, the stupid bastard tried to do it to me again this morning!!! This was about 10 minutes after I drove an hour and half thru the damn rain to get to work!!! Bastard!! He didn't do it, but he stood over me with his fingers about 8 inches from my forehead like he was going to flick me. I don't even know why! Ok, like I said, I need advice please.
Although I am not a hitter. (damn I have spent the last 20 something years teaching my kids not to hit) I was so close to putting my fingers together and pretending like I was going to flick him in the balls. I would have, but I thought that it would border on some kind of "sexual workplace" infraction.
I don't know what to do!! Should I say something like, "Excuse me, we do not hit." Call his Boss and tell him what's going on? Try to be cute about it when he does it? or just continue to ignore it? I don't think that I can continue to ignore it, it pisses me off so badly!
I feel that this is an intimindation thing with him. Whenever he does it to me, or I see him do it to someone else, I get really disturbed and angry. Maybe I am over reacting, but if I heard that my husband or children did this to someone, I would totally pitch the world's biggest hissy fit!
Any Ideas?
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Time to start burning our Bras!!
What the heck is up (or down,depending on how they hang) with my bra today. It's totally poking me in the side like a six year old on a candy rush! Dangit!! If my knockers didn't drag the floor, I'd go to the ladies room right now and throw this bra in the TOILET!!!
Whoa is the time when I use to wear my manhunting uniforms!! Matching panties and bras that kept my boobies in that nice perky place right under my chin. Hard to believe that time as flown by so fast. I still have those sets, every now and then when I am trawling thru my drawers looking for a missing sock, I will come across the odd bra or stray panty.
Last time I saw my favorite push up being worn, it was tied across my little one's chest. She thought it was the most amazing invention ever. Her little face was lit up like it was Christmas, and she adoringly gaze upon the empty cup, wishing that they would soon "runneth over". Yep, she'll regret that wish soon enough..
Well, I haven't bitched and moaned about office life lately, so here's a little update. We moved our office to the "better" side of town. We are no longer in the hood, but now in a little trendy building at the Perimeter. If you are from Atl, then you must know that the Perimeter area has more traffic than than I-95 during a Hurricane evacuation. I could throw a rock at I-285 from my office, but it takes me 20 minutes to get the darn car on the ramp every night, after work. I now have to drive 1.5 hours to get home every night!!! It's 35 miles, DADBURNIT!!!
Anyway, needless to say, tempers are short around the office, because everyone is trying to adjust to the new drive. One morning I get off the elevator a little before 9am and there sits my coworker, Bad Hair Elvis. So I ask, "Uh, what's up?" and he launches into his tirade about how he is coming from Kennesaw and how it takes him forever to get to work isf he doesn't leave early, and he's been here since 7am this morning trying to get into the office. (None of us Sales People have keys now, because we can't be trusted to not screw with the thermostats, and sharpen our pencils down to wasteful little nubs, when Management is not around.)
So we sit at the elevator for about 15 minutes waiting on someone with a key to show up. I sit, he whines, you know the routine. When suddenly the elevator doors open and there stands the receptionist (Penelope Pittstop) with that wet hair, I just rolled my ass outta bed, look. She is supposed to be in the office by 8am to let us in. She's hourly, we're not.
She's making all the crazy excuses about how she worked out new hours with management. OK, whatever, just let us in already. So she lets us in, and I turn up the computer and try to start work.
I have to go see Penelope for office supplies, so I walk back to her new office. (She picked it, by the corner, biggest-nicest office in the whole place.- I have to ask the question in my head..."Who IS that girl sleeping with?" She's the receptionist for Goodness Sakes!!!) So I am standing there, chit chatting, trying to get my damn supplies, when up walks Elvis. He interrupts as usual to ask some assinine question and then proceeds to throw 2 moving boxes into an empty office. Penelope sees red and says "Stack it up in there!" Elvis wigs out and screams at P, P screams at E. blah blah blah. (Oh yes, I slunk back to my cube.)
Then Elvis comes to me and explains why he was just a total ass to her, and wants to know if he was in the right. Then a little later, P comes to me, same thing. (Crap!-What do I look like, Ms. Manners?!?!) Anywho when the boss (Mr One Up) gets in both are racing to get to him, to tattle first. Then the boss and P race over to me to get the story. I calmly pick up the phone and pretend like I am having a deep conversation with the dial tone. He and P just stand there for like 3 minutes while I talk and talk... Finally they gave up. THANK THE LORD!!
You know when my kids whine, complain and bicker, I always threaten to show them my hideous stretch marks. And when I do, I say, "You think you got problems, Look what you did to Mommy." I was so close...HA HA.
Well it's 1:30 right now and I have all kinds of things that I need to get done. I think that I will go down and shoot the shit with the crazy (crazy nice, not crazy gonna take hostages) Iranian guy who runs the cafe downstairs.
Ciao'
Whoa is the time when I use to wear my manhunting uniforms!! Matching panties and bras that kept my boobies in that nice perky place right under my chin. Hard to believe that time as flown by so fast. I still have those sets, every now and then when I am trawling thru my drawers looking for a missing sock, I will come across the odd bra or stray panty.
Last time I saw my favorite push up being worn, it was tied across my little one's chest. She thought it was the most amazing invention ever. Her little face was lit up like it was Christmas, and she adoringly gaze upon the empty cup, wishing that they would soon "runneth over". Yep, she'll regret that wish soon enough..
Well, I haven't bitched and moaned about office life lately, so here's a little update. We moved our office to the "better" side of town. We are no longer in the hood, but now in a little trendy building at the Perimeter. If you are from Atl, then you must know that the Perimeter area has more traffic than than I-95 during a Hurricane evacuation. I could throw a rock at I-285 from my office, but it takes me 20 minutes to get the darn car on the ramp every night, after work. I now have to drive 1.5 hours to get home every night!!! It's 35 miles, DADBURNIT!!!
Anyway, needless to say, tempers are short around the office, because everyone is trying to adjust to the new drive. One morning I get off the elevator a little before 9am and there sits my coworker, Bad Hair Elvis. So I ask, "Uh, what's up?" and he launches into his tirade about how he is coming from Kennesaw and how it takes him forever to get to work isf he doesn't leave early, and he's been here since 7am this morning trying to get into the office. (None of us Sales People have keys now, because we can't be trusted to not screw with the thermostats, and sharpen our pencils down to wasteful little nubs, when Management is not around.)
So we sit at the elevator for about 15 minutes waiting on someone with a key to show up. I sit, he whines, you know the routine. When suddenly the elevator doors open and there stands the receptionist (Penelope Pittstop) with that wet hair, I just rolled my ass outta bed, look. She is supposed to be in the office by 8am to let us in. She's hourly, we're not.
She's making all the crazy excuses about how she worked out new hours with management. OK, whatever, just let us in already. So she lets us in, and I turn up the computer and try to start work.
I have to go see Penelope for office supplies, so I walk back to her new office. (She picked it, by the corner, biggest-nicest office in the whole place.- I have to ask the question in my head..."Who IS that girl sleeping with?" She's the receptionist for Goodness Sakes!!!) So I am standing there, chit chatting, trying to get my damn supplies, when up walks Elvis. He interrupts as usual to ask some assinine question and then proceeds to throw 2 moving boxes into an empty office. Penelope sees red and says "Stack it up in there!" Elvis wigs out and screams at P, P screams at E. blah blah blah. (Oh yes, I slunk back to my cube.)
Then Elvis comes to me and explains why he was just a total ass to her, and wants to know if he was in the right. Then a little later, P comes to me, same thing. (Crap!-What do I look like, Ms. Manners?!?!) Anywho when the boss (Mr One Up) gets in both are racing to get to him, to tattle first. Then the boss and P race over to me to get the story. I calmly pick up the phone and pretend like I am having a deep conversation with the dial tone. He and P just stand there for like 3 minutes while I talk and talk... Finally they gave up. THANK THE LORD!!
You know when my kids whine, complain and bicker, I always threaten to show them my hideous stretch marks. And when I do, I say, "You think you got problems, Look what you did to Mommy." I was so close...HA HA.
Well it's 1:30 right now and I have all kinds of things that I need to get done. I think that I will go down and shoot the shit with the crazy (crazy nice, not crazy gonna take hostages) Iranian guy who runs the cafe downstairs.
Ciao'
Monday, February 07, 2005
God answers Prayers...Even the little ones.
It's so true. Here's my example. So I have be obsessing about my son's bathroom clutter in the basement. I thought that a shelf would be nice, so Saturday morning I go out to buy a shelf. As I am walking out, my husband informs me that we are broke, as usual. So I go to Big Lots, I also needed a new fluorescent light for the kitchen. Its so dad-blamed dark in there.
So here I am at Big Lots, looking at a $50 shelf, then a $30 plant stand thinking that I hated both of these, and couldn't afford them anyway. So I cruise over to the plastics aisle and check out these cool stackable drawer units that I really liked. But they were $8 per unit and I needed atleast 4 units to start. TOO EXPENSIVE!!
I also didn't find ANY lights for the kitchen, so I mope out of the store and vowed to try K-Mart later in the week. I go home and plug up the existing fluorescent light over the kitchen window, it hasn't worked in over a year, and fix myself a snack. A couple of hours later, as it's getting dark out, I notice that the light IS WORKING!!! It's on, it's shining bright and I LOVE IT!!!
Happy as a clam, I leave to drop the 15yr old to church and WHAT DO I FIND IN THE NEIGHBORS TRASH!!!! An amazing drawer unit with about 8 drawers in all different sizes. The bottom drawer was damaged, but I think that I can turn that one around and still use it. (Before you stone me for picking thru the neighbor's trash, she's moving out of her home and we all pick thru eachothers trash and it's fine with her, so there!)
Once I stuck the lovely drawer unit in the garage to be cleaned up (it has a couple of Cinderella stickers on some of the drawers) and I thought about what I had said earlier in the day when I was looking for the light and shelf units. I think I said something like, "Lord, help me..." AND HE DID!!
I believe that God is also working another miracle in my life right now, but it's so in the premature stages, that I don't even want to talk about it right now, I am afraid that just talking about it will "nosh" the deal. So hopefully, I will have some more good news to share later this week. This one is something that I have prayed and prayed about. I have prayed and begged God so hard on this one that I feel a little guilty about it, but in His own time, it seems that he is also answering this BIG ONE!!
You know, while we are on the subject... About a year ago I saw a miracle and told a couple of people about it and they looked at me like I had lost my mind. I saw this couple at church go up the alter and pray with our pastor for good health for the wife. She has been suffering seizures and blackouts for years. While they were praying with their heads together, I saw like a golden glow rise from between them all, light up there faces. I was mesmorized, I didn't want to move and look away when it happened. It lasted about 30 seconds, I was totally dumbfounded. Yep, a minor miracle or even just something strange, but it certainly got my attention.
I have always been bummed out that I never saw a ghost, an alien or Big Foot. I also have never seen the Virgin Mary in the clouds, or Jesus on a wall or sandwich or anything. But after seeing this light at church, I realized that I had seen many miracles in my lifetime. Like the time on 285 when I saw a lady standing in the middle lanes of the highway beside her overturned SUV without a scratch on her. Or the time that my brother was put thru a hay conveyor and ended up with only mashed fingers. Or my little cousin before he died as a teenager, he told us that he wasn't afraid to die because people from heaven had come to him and told him that they would take care of him there. Or another family member, who on her death bed raised her arms to the sky and said, "Take me Jesus, I am ready to go!"
This last one pissed me off so bad. Here was a 38 year old woman with a new daughter to take care of, and she was suppose to be fighting heart disease. I was so mad that she just gave up and said, "Take me." Later, I realized that she didn't ever give up, that she was put on earth to only live those 38 years and that God gave her the miracle of acceptance of her situation. Her little daughter is now being cared for by the grandparents, and that little girl has brought so much joy into this family who has already lost 2 of their children to death, and is now watching a third child get sick and die.
Anyway, I am obviously opening my cracked heart up today. Forgive me, I am just feeling so sappy over my new drawers and my old (now working) new light. Thank You Lord!!!
So here I am at Big Lots, looking at a $50 shelf, then a $30 plant stand thinking that I hated both of these, and couldn't afford them anyway. So I cruise over to the plastics aisle and check out these cool stackable drawer units that I really liked. But they were $8 per unit and I needed atleast 4 units to start. TOO EXPENSIVE!!
I also didn't find ANY lights for the kitchen, so I mope out of the store and vowed to try K-Mart later in the week. I go home and plug up the existing fluorescent light over the kitchen window, it hasn't worked in over a year, and fix myself a snack. A couple of hours later, as it's getting dark out, I notice that the light IS WORKING!!! It's on, it's shining bright and I LOVE IT!!!
Happy as a clam, I leave to drop the 15yr old to church and WHAT DO I FIND IN THE NEIGHBORS TRASH!!!! An amazing drawer unit with about 8 drawers in all different sizes. The bottom drawer was damaged, but I think that I can turn that one around and still use it. (Before you stone me for picking thru the neighbor's trash, she's moving out of her home and we all pick thru eachothers trash and it's fine with her, so there!)
Once I stuck the lovely drawer unit in the garage to be cleaned up (it has a couple of Cinderella stickers on some of the drawers) and I thought about what I had said earlier in the day when I was looking for the light and shelf units. I think I said something like, "Lord, help me..." AND HE DID!!
I believe that God is also working another miracle in my life right now, but it's so in the premature stages, that I don't even want to talk about it right now, I am afraid that just talking about it will "nosh" the deal. So hopefully, I will have some more good news to share later this week. This one is something that I have prayed and prayed about. I have prayed and begged God so hard on this one that I feel a little guilty about it, but in His own time, it seems that he is also answering this BIG ONE!!
You know, while we are on the subject... About a year ago I saw a miracle and told a couple of people about it and they looked at me like I had lost my mind. I saw this couple at church go up the alter and pray with our pastor for good health for the wife. She has been suffering seizures and blackouts for years. While they were praying with their heads together, I saw like a golden glow rise from between them all, light up there faces. I was mesmorized, I didn't want to move and look away when it happened. It lasted about 30 seconds, I was totally dumbfounded. Yep, a minor miracle or even just something strange, but it certainly got my attention.
I have always been bummed out that I never saw a ghost, an alien or Big Foot. I also have never seen the Virgin Mary in the clouds, or Jesus on a wall or sandwich or anything. But after seeing this light at church, I realized that I had seen many miracles in my lifetime. Like the time on 285 when I saw a lady standing in the middle lanes of the highway beside her overturned SUV without a scratch on her. Or the time that my brother was put thru a hay conveyor and ended up with only mashed fingers. Or my little cousin before he died as a teenager, he told us that he wasn't afraid to die because people from heaven had come to him and told him that they would take care of him there. Or another family member, who on her death bed raised her arms to the sky and said, "Take me Jesus, I am ready to go!"
This last one pissed me off so bad. Here was a 38 year old woman with a new daughter to take care of, and she was suppose to be fighting heart disease. I was so mad that she just gave up and said, "Take me." Later, I realized that she didn't ever give up, that she was put on earth to only live those 38 years and that God gave her the miracle of acceptance of her situation. Her little daughter is now being cared for by the grandparents, and that little girl has brought so much joy into this family who has already lost 2 of their children to death, and is now watching a third child get sick and die.
Anyway, I am obviously opening my cracked heart up today. Forgive me, I am just feeling so sappy over my new drawers and my old (now working) new light. Thank You Lord!!!
Friday, January 28, 2005
Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a....
Yep, I bet you never hear that one, right. Yes, dear Scarlett I am near Acworth. (I Love Acworth.) right down 92 as a matter of fact, to the west. 'Bout 12 miles away. By the way, Cokes are called Dope by old people in Boaz, AL. Thanks for the comments, I loved them! It's really encouraging to know that someone is reading my rants.
So I let the amazing "free money" with CVS deals expire. Oh the Tragedy!! I even dragged my ass back there last Thursday and aimlessly wandered the aisles again, looking for the pot of gold to spend the "free" money on. Speaking of the "Pot of Gold", candy that is. It was almost $9 at CVS. It's only like $6 at WalMart. So even though I despise WalMart's Pharmacy and think it's run by demons from a verrryyy slow hell, I will continue to shop at good old WallyWorld for every thing except for the Pills, they'll come from CVS, where I will continue to get that free money that I can't figure out how to spend.
Oh, so I had ANOTHER job interview. I blew it, I got all purty and went in there expecting to see some guy that I could shake my boobs at. (Nah, not really.) but I did expect it to be only one person. I was met out in the lobby by this really sweet lady and she sat me down in the lounge with a couple of other suckers (potential job candidates) and we had to fill out this questionnaire that said, "How much do you want to make", and had one customer problem that we had to solve.
Sweet lady kept telling me to take my time and if I didn't finish answering the customer problem that I could do it after the interview, so I start writing out a looooonnnggg story about how to resolve this customer problem. Then I was taken back to the back room for the interview. There I was, on the way back, I was sucking up my gut and pushing up those ole' boob, just a getting ready. (The fact that the lady kept referring to He, and Eric, gave me the hint..)
Sweet Lady opens the door and DANGIT!!! There sat 8 PEOPLE!!!! 8 PEOPLE I TELL YOU!! around a u shaped table with a desk and chair in the middle of the room. I bout fell over dead right then and there!
I had just spent and hour and a half reading this stupid document from the internet entitled, "12 Interview questions that you should always know how to answer." If you get that thing off the internet, DON'T READ IT, Throw it away IMMEDIATELY.
I feel like I made good eye contact and that I had good experience for the job, but heck I wasn't expecting all those people!! I think that I blew the interview. I answered most of the questions ok, but I #1 didn't ask for the job like I should have. and #2 had canned answers for all the questions that they were asking. (They evidently also had a copy of that stupid document because guess what questions they asked me.)
I am such an idiot, and IT WAS MY DREAM JOB... Oh well, they are suppose to make a decision today or next week. So I will keep praying.
Since I am in the writing mood, I want to tell you that I just lost, about 20lbs this past 3 weeks. Nope I am not on Extreme Makeover or the Swan show. I went to the Doctor about another condition that I have and he prescribe something (not that I am a big pillhead or anything) to help that. The great side effect is weight loss, and the BAD side effect it that I have a dry mouth and I can't sleep worth a hoot. I like to go to sleep at night and sleep like a total zombie, now I dream these crazy dreams and feel like I wake up every 15 minutes all night, but it is getting a little better and I must be sleeping because I am not sleepy the next day...Maybe my dreams are just scaring me.
My wonderful excellent husband is taking me out tonight. I LOVE HIM SO!!! He wanted to take me to see Mrs. Robinson at the Fox, but I really didn't want to, that whole, messing around on your husband with your daughter's boyfriend scenario just really pisses me off. So, we are going to see a move and go out to eat in Douglasville. I think that just a night out when we aren't screaming at kids, dodging dogs, and trying to study/do housework/cook dinner/pay bills will be such a good time. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I know that so many people are unhappy in their marriage, but like our preacher says, "Instead of studying all the things wrong about your spouse why don't you concentrate on all the things right about 'em." Our preacher is a really smart guy to be from Arkansas.
Later folks.
So I let the amazing "free money" with CVS deals expire. Oh the Tragedy!! I even dragged my ass back there last Thursday and aimlessly wandered the aisles again, looking for the pot of gold to spend the "free" money on. Speaking of the "Pot of Gold", candy that is. It was almost $9 at CVS. It's only like $6 at WalMart. So even though I despise WalMart's Pharmacy and think it's run by demons from a verrryyy slow hell, I will continue to shop at good old WallyWorld for every thing except for the Pills, they'll come from CVS, where I will continue to get that free money that I can't figure out how to spend.
Oh, so I had ANOTHER job interview. I blew it, I got all purty and went in there expecting to see some guy that I could shake my boobs at. (Nah, not really.) but I did expect it to be only one person. I was met out in the lobby by this really sweet lady and she sat me down in the lounge with a couple of other suckers (potential job candidates) and we had to fill out this questionnaire that said, "How much do you want to make", and had one customer problem that we had to solve.
Sweet lady kept telling me to take my time and if I didn't finish answering the customer problem that I could do it after the interview, so I start writing out a looooonnnggg story about how to resolve this customer problem. Then I was taken back to the back room for the interview. There I was, on the way back, I was sucking up my gut and pushing up those ole' boob, just a getting ready. (The fact that the lady kept referring to He, and Eric, gave me the hint..)
Sweet Lady opens the door and DANGIT!!! There sat 8 PEOPLE!!!! 8 PEOPLE I TELL YOU!! around a u shaped table with a desk and chair in the middle of the room. I bout fell over dead right then and there!
I had just spent and hour and a half reading this stupid document from the internet entitled, "12 Interview questions that you should always know how to answer." If you get that thing off the internet, DON'T READ IT, Throw it away IMMEDIATELY.
I feel like I made good eye contact and that I had good experience for the job, but heck I wasn't expecting all those people!! I think that I blew the interview. I answered most of the questions ok, but I #1 didn't ask for the job like I should have. and #2 had canned answers for all the questions that they were asking. (They evidently also had a copy of that stupid document because guess what questions they asked me.)
I am such an idiot, and IT WAS MY DREAM JOB... Oh well, they are suppose to make a decision today or next week. So I will keep praying.
Since I am in the writing mood, I want to tell you that I just lost, about 20lbs this past 3 weeks. Nope I am not on Extreme Makeover or the Swan show. I went to the Doctor about another condition that I have and he prescribe something (not that I am a big pillhead or anything) to help that. The great side effect is weight loss, and the BAD side effect it that I have a dry mouth and I can't sleep worth a hoot. I like to go to sleep at night and sleep like a total zombie, now I dream these crazy dreams and feel like I wake up every 15 minutes all night, but it is getting a little better and I must be sleeping because I am not sleepy the next day...Maybe my dreams are just scaring me.
My wonderful excellent husband is taking me out tonight. I LOVE HIM SO!!! He wanted to take me to see Mrs. Robinson at the Fox, but I really didn't want to, that whole, messing around on your husband with your daughter's boyfriend scenario just really pisses me off. So, we are going to see a move and go out to eat in Douglasville. I think that just a night out when we aren't screaming at kids, dodging dogs, and trying to study/do housework/cook dinner/pay bills will be such a good time. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I know that so many people are unhappy in their marriage, but like our preacher says, "Instead of studying all the things wrong about your spouse why don't you concentrate on all the things right about 'em." Our preacher is a really smart guy to be from Arkansas.
Later folks.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Free?? Money from CVS!
Boy am I excited! I went to CVS and used my little savings card when I purchased my prescriptions. I got COUPONS!!! for 9 bucks back!!! But ofcourse as in everything in life, there are rules...
Must redeem before January 29th.
$3 must be spent toward the purchase of CVS products.
$3 must be spent on Candy.
That leaves $3 bucks to spend ANYWAY I want~!!! WAHOO!!
I was so darn excited when the coupons printed out the I walked up and down the aisles for 20 minutes trying to decide how to spend my money. Should I get the big bottle of CVS aspirin and 2 pounds of jawbreakers, or go for the CVS toilet paper and a pound of chocolate??
Oh decisions, decisions!?!?
If you have any idea on how I can spend the coups, I'd like to hear them!
Must redeem before January 29th.
$3 must be spent toward the purchase of CVS products.
$3 must be spent on Candy.
That leaves $3 bucks to spend ANYWAY I want~!!! WAHOO!!
I was so darn excited when the coupons printed out the I walked up and down the aisles for 20 minutes trying to decide how to spend my money. Should I get the big bottle of CVS aspirin and 2 pounds of jawbreakers, or go for the CVS toilet paper and a pound of chocolate??
Oh decisions, decisions!?!?
If you have any idea on how I can spend the coups, I'd like to hear them!
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Cox Suckers!!!!
So yesterday I went to the above mentioned giant conglomerate for an interview. My sharp little young pup headhunter met me out there to introduce me to my potential boss. So me and the Headhunter go in to get an access badge.
Security Officer: Sign here please.
Security Officer: I need to see some form of picture ID please.
Security Officer: Who are you here to see?
Security Officer: What year is your car?
Security Officer" What is the Make and Model of your car?
Why does he need to know this? Is he going out to pee on my tires while I am in the interview, or maybe he's going to steal my AC/DC CD that even I can't get out of the CD Player? Heck I dunno.
So anyway, back to the Cox Sucker story. The security gets all our info and gives us a badge. The SO (Security Officer) then calls the guy that we are suppose to see. The SO gets voicemail and leaves a msg. We wait about 5 minutes and SO calls again. Again, he gets the voicemail, and hangs up. So my HH (headhunter) calls the guys number on his cell phone (Why? I don't know, maybe he thought SO was faking the voicemail thing.) Then my HH calls the HR chick who set up the interview, bingo voicemail again!
Then my HH starts stopping random people who are leaving for lunch. He is asking them if they know Mr. NoShow, while I silently edge away from HH and pretend like I am not with him. Finally the 3rd person that he asks says, "Sure I know him, let me find you someone from his dept." So the guy flags down some poor girl who takes us up to Mr. NoShow's important cubicle by the window. This girl then finds someone who knows Mr. NoShow's cell phone number.
So this new guy calls the butthead on his cellphone. Does this guy answer the cellphone? (The cellphone that Cox is paying for him to have so that he can be available at all times.) HELL NO!! So then the guy radioes the cellphone (Nextel - We love you!) Mr. NoShow answers immediately and says that he is walking into the building. The guy says "Good, you have someone here to see you."
So me and HH go back to the important cubicle by the window and wait. Mr. NoShow walks in with wet slicked down hair and bleary eyed. (It's so obvious the his sorry ass just tumbled out of bed and showered.) It's 11:30 by now, and 30 minutes after our agreed meeting time.
We introduce ourselves, "Hey, how ya doing?" Mr. NoShow says, "You really got me on the spot here, can I speak to you for a moment Mr. Head Hunter?" So they walk away from me about 10 feet and start whispering like 4th grade catholic school girls. A minute later HH comes over, looking like he just swallowed his tie and says, "I am so so sorry, Mr. NoShow just told me that the position was eliminated due to downsizing 2 days ago and that he told this all to the HR chick. She was suppose to call us and tell us that Mr. No Show would not be interviewing you today."
I sweetly bit my tongue and told HH, "Aw don't worry about it, it's not your fault, just some simple miscommunication, no big deal." Me and HH chit chatted for a bit and walked out together while he apologized the whole time. But.....I was so PISSED. I wanted to rip that wet head off Mr. NoShow and shove it up his gay arse!
Although I STILL desperately want to work for Cox, I am beginning to think that you either have to be kin to someone or be sleeping with someone to get a damn job there!!! I don't know which. I have a GREAT resume', everyone tells me so. I have submitted the resume to Cox's website hundreds (I am not lying ATLEAST 300) of times, for positions that I an either qualified for or over qualified for. THEY NEVER RESPOND!! This particular job that I NEARLY interviewed for had been posted for 7 weeks, 7 FREAKING WEEKS!!! I was contacted by 8 headhunter agencies, ALL of them saying that my resume fit this position PERFECTLY!! And they ALL wanted to submit me for the opening.
So I ask you Cox, what the hell am I doing wrong? I am a great fit for your company, and except for the occasional hissy fit, a stable dependable hardworking employee. Come on you chickens!! Call me!! Interview me!!! I double dog dare you!!!
If I have not been so pissed the other day after driving 60 miles round trip during my lunch hour for a non-interview, I would have went out to Mr. NoShow's car and peed on HIS TIRES!!
Ok, I'm done now, the hissy fit is over, back to sending out my resume to people who put out job ads on the interent even though they don't really need to hire anyone.
Have a Great Day!
Security Officer: Sign here please.
Security Officer: I need to see some form of picture ID please.
Security Officer: Who are you here to see?
Security Officer: What year is your car?
Security Officer" What is the Make and Model of your car?
Why does he need to know this? Is he going out to pee on my tires while I am in the interview, or maybe he's going to steal my AC/DC CD that even I can't get out of the CD Player? Heck I dunno.
So anyway, back to the Cox Sucker story. The security gets all our info and gives us a badge. The SO (Security Officer) then calls the guy that we are suppose to see. The SO gets voicemail and leaves a msg. We wait about 5 minutes and SO calls again. Again, he gets the voicemail, and hangs up. So my HH (headhunter) calls the guys number on his cell phone (Why? I don't know, maybe he thought SO was faking the voicemail thing.) Then my HH calls the HR chick who set up the interview, bingo voicemail again!
Then my HH starts stopping random people who are leaving for lunch. He is asking them if they know Mr. NoShow, while I silently edge away from HH and pretend like I am not with him. Finally the 3rd person that he asks says, "Sure I know him, let me find you someone from his dept." So the guy flags down some poor girl who takes us up to Mr. NoShow's important cubicle by the window. This girl then finds someone who knows Mr. NoShow's cell phone number.
So this new guy calls the butthead on his cellphone. Does this guy answer the cellphone? (The cellphone that Cox is paying for him to have so that he can be available at all times.) HELL NO!! So then the guy radioes the cellphone (Nextel - We love you!) Mr. NoShow answers immediately and says that he is walking into the building. The guy says "Good, you have someone here to see you."
So me and HH go back to the important cubicle by the window and wait. Mr. NoShow walks in with wet slicked down hair and bleary eyed. (It's so obvious the his sorry ass just tumbled out of bed and showered.) It's 11:30 by now, and 30 minutes after our agreed meeting time.
We introduce ourselves, "Hey, how ya doing?" Mr. NoShow says, "You really got me on the spot here, can I speak to you for a moment Mr. Head Hunter?" So they walk away from me about 10 feet and start whispering like 4th grade catholic school girls. A minute later HH comes over, looking like he just swallowed his tie and says, "I am so so sorry, Mr. NoShow just told me that the position was eliminated due to downsizing 2 days ago and that he told this all to the HR chick. She was suppose to call us and tell us that Mr. No Show would not be interviewing you today."
I sweetly bit my tongue and told HH, "Aw don't worry about it, it's not your fault, just some simple miscommunication, no big deal." Me and HH chit chatted for a bit and walked out together while he apologized the whole time. But.....I was so PISSED. I wanted to rip that wet head off Mr. NoShow and shove it up his gay arse!
Although I STILL desperately want to work for Cox, I am beginning to think that you either have to be kin to someone or be sleeping with someone to get a damn job there!!! I don't know which. I have a GREAT resume', everyone tells me so. I have submitted the resume to Cox's website hundreds (I am not lying ATLEAST 300) of times, for positions that I an either qualified for or over qualified for. THEY NEVER RESPOND!! This particular job that I NEARLY interviewed for had been posted for 7 weeks, 7 FREAKING WEEKS!!! I was contacted by 8 headhunter agencies, ALL of them saying that my resume fit this position PERFECTLY!! And they ALL wanted to submit me for the opening.
So I ask you Cox, what the hell am I doing wrong? I am a great fit for your company, and except for the occasional hissy fit, a stable dependable hardworking employee. Come on you chickens!! Call me!! Interview me!!! I double dog dare you!!!
If I have not been so pissed the other day after driving 60 miles round trip during my lunch hour for a non-interview, I would have went out to Mr. NoShow's car and peed on HIS TIRES!!
Ok, I'm done now, the hissy fit is over, back to sending out my resume to people who put out job ads on the interent even though they don't really need to hire anyone.
Have a Great Day!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Southern Dictionary
I am so tired of constantly being corrected on how I speak AND the only people who correct me are...People from up North!!
Folks, if you're gonna live down here in the South, LEARN OUR LANGUAGE!!!!
So for all you misplaced souls here in the south, let me provide you with some phrases and definitions.
I reckon - "I assume"
I swannie - "I can't believe it"
I'm fixin to - "I will get to that task very shortly."
warsher - "Washing Machine"
peench (Long E sound) - "Pinch"
mater - "Tomato"
tater - "Potato"
peecan (Long E sound) "pecan" - the only nut we use for baking.
dinner "Lunch"
supper "Dinner"
farplace - "fireplace"
ain't or taint - "is not" OR "are not"
keyarnine "anything that smells moldey or rotten"
loomnum fol "Aluminum Foil"
cancer stick "cigarette"
wacky backy "marijuana"
chaw "chewing tobacco"
dope "soda"
nekked "naked"
pee bug - "Male Genitals"
tutu - "Female Genitals"
knocked up - "pregnant"
Mondee, Tuesdee Wednesdee etc.. - "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday"
Ya'll "You all"
episode "any illness that you don't want to elaborate on, like the runs or menstrual cramps"
peel "medication prescribed by a doctor or the outter skin of fruits and veggies.
air,our and hour all all pronouned the same. (pronouned as Eer)
So there you are. They're not in any particular order, but just random things that I have to explain to my favorite little Yankee husband on a daily basis. I love it when he gives me hell for the way I speak, I just smile and say, "Where do you live again"?
Folks, if you're gonna live down here in the South, LEARN OUR LANGUAGE!!!!
So for all you misplaced souls here in the south, let me provide you with some phrases and definitions.
I reckon - "I assume"
I swannie - "I can't believe it"
I'm fixin to - "I will get to that task very shortly."
warsher - "Washing Machine"
peench (Long E sound) - "Pinch"
mater - "Tomato"
tater - "Potato"
peecan (Long E sound) "pecan" - the only nut we use for baking.
dinner "Lunch"
supper "Dinner"
farplace - "fireplace"
ain't or taint - "is not" OR "are not"
keyarnine "anything that smells moldey or rotten"
loomnum fol "Aluminum Foil"
cancer stick "cigarette"
wacky backy "marijuana"
chaw "chewing tobacco"
dope "soda"
nekked "naked"
pee bug - "Male Genitals"
tutu - "Female Genitals"
knocked up - "pregnant"
Mondee, Tuesdee Wednesdee etc.. - "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday"
Ya'll "You all"
episode "any illness that you don't want to elaborate on, like the runs or menstrual cramps"
peel "medication prescribed by a doctor or the outter skin of fruits and veggies.
air,our and hour all all pronouned the same. (pronouned as Eer)
So there you are. They're not in any particular order, but just random things that I have to explain to my favorite little Yankee husband on a daily basis. I love it when he gives me hell for the way I speak, I just smile and say, "Where do you live again"?
Monday, January 10, 2005
The Winds They Are A Changing...
So what the hey is going on here? Bad Hair Elvis has not picked up the phone all day!?!? He seems to "NOT BE IN THE SELLING MOOD!!" Has he finally seen the light and realized that there ain't no way in heck that we can ever convince even a comatose patient to buy our products?
I am very concerned, if Elvis is not running to the boss's office every 5 minutes to get his "pat on the head" then the boss may soon take an interest in what I am (or am not) doing.
Speak of the devil here comes the boss. Gotta run!! Damn!
I am very concerned, if Elvis is not running to the boss's office every 5 minutes to get his "pat on the head" then the boss may soon take an interest in what I am (or am not) doing.
Speak of the devil here comes the boss. Gotta run!! Damn!
Friday, January 07, 2005
OK, so I am going STRAIGHT TO HELL for this..
There's a new chick in our office who is intellectually stunted, BIG TIME. She is in her mid 20's but acts like she just crawled out from under a rock----yesterday!!
Ofcourse the stupid boss thinks she hung the moon. Her first order of business when she started was to completely organize and clean the damn kitchen because if it's messy, "it reflects poorly on me". SHE'S THE RECEPTIONIST for crying out loud!!! I found out REAL quick to avoid any conversations with her at all cost. Because she just rattles on, and on... She talks about her husband, her kid, her overweight family. AAAAAHHHHH it never ends.
She also loves to tell you how she's down with the brothers, but keeps mentioning thoese interesting tid bits over and over, so you know that black people really terrify her to no end.. (Um, I have a lot of black friends, There's alot of black people in my neigborhood, in my child's school, at my last job, etc..) Whatever freak!!
Even Bad hair Elvis is bitching about her. He just proved to me that being a good listener is SO MUCH better than being a big talker. He was just now over here bitching about her music tastes (Country Music turned up REAL LOUD) and her views on Jane Fonda (the antichrist), when she walks by and saysmumbles some random comment. I just know that she heard him. So what does he do? He tucks his flaccid little peepee between his legs and runs over to her desk and starts making chit chat to make sure her feelings aren't hurt. (or to see how much she heard, whatever)
Evidently she's so dense that she didn't comprehend what she overheard. I, meanwhile sat here quietly smiling, watching the whole thing.
I got a bit of a backache. I must have pulled something trying to open the 1,ooo lb front door to the building, so another co-worker gave me a Percocet earlier. The one brightspot in this dreary office. Whohoo I am flying now!!
I need to make up names for these crazy people in my office. From the day forward they will be know as the following:
Bad Hair Elvis - The snake new co-worker who thinks he's a selling god, but hasn't sold anything. He looks like a Las Vegas Elvis reject that you'd find in a smoky bar crusing for lonely chicks at 2am in the morning
One Up - The "faggy acting but married to a lady" boss who worships Elvis and loves all the B.S. that Elvis feeds him about imaginary sales he's about to make. One Up has done everything that you have done AND did it first AND better. His belly has been steadily expanding since I started, I am sure that he's probably pregnant.
Junky - My new source for prescription drugs. She's also in sales. Can't sell shit, (Kinda like me) because our products are shit. She is also actively seeking employment elsewhere, but is way better a acting like she gives a damn than I am.
Penelope Pittstop - Our clueless receptionist who is going to change the world starting with the organization of our employee kitchen. She's down with the "brothers", as long as they don't come near her, or talk to her, or look at her. She loves (JUST LOVES) that honky tonk, and plays it on her radio at the front desk so that on the rare occasion that some slob visits our office, they'll know that we are By God, USA loving, Bush Backing, Hellfire and Brimstone Baptists!!
Anyway - back to "work" before my Percocet wears off and my backs makes me cry again.. I am a Big Ole' Baby.
Ofcourse the stupid boss thinks she hung the moon. Her first order of business when she started was to completely organize and clean the damn kitchen because if it's messy, "it reflects poorly on me". SHE'S THE RECEPTIONIST for crying out loud!!! I found out REAL quick to avoid any conversations with her at all cost. Because she just rattles on, and on... She talks about her husband, her kid, her overweight family. AAAAAHHHHH it never ends.
She also loves to tell you how she's down with the brothers, but keeps mentioning thoese interesting tid bits over and over, so you know that black people really terrify her to no end.. (Um, I have a lot of black friends, There's alot of black people in my neigborhood, in my child's school, at my last job, etc..) Whatever freak!!
Even Bad hair Elvis is bitching about her. He just proved to me that being a good listener is SO MUCH better than being a big talker. He was just now over here bitching about her music tastes (Country Music turned up REAL LOUD) and her views on Jane Fonda (the antichrist), when she walks by and saysmumbles some random comment. I just know that she heard him. So what does he do? He tucks his flaccid little peepee between his legs and runs over to her desk and starts making chit chat to make sure her feelings aren't hurt. (or to see how much she heard, whatever)
Evidently she's so dense that she didn't comprehend what she overheard. I, meanwhile sat here quietly smiling, watching the whole thing.
I got a bit of a backache. I must have pulled something trying to open the 1,ooo lb front door to the building, so another co-worker gave me a Percocet earlier. The one brightspot in this dreary office. Whohoo I am flying now!!
I need to make up names for these crazy people in my office. From the day forward they will be know as the following:
Bad Hair Elvis - The snake new co-worker who thinks he's a selling god, but hasn't sold anything. He looks like a Las Vegas Elvis reject that you'd find in a smoky bar crusing for lonely chicks at 2am in the morning
One Up - The "faggy acting but married to a lady" boss who worships Elvis and loves all the B.S. that Elvis feeds him about imaginary sales he's about to make. One Up has done everything that you have done AND did it first AND better. His belly has been steadily expanding since I started, I am sure that he's probably pregnant.
Junky - My new source for prescription drugs. She's also in sales. Can't sell shit, (Kinda like me) because our products are shit. She is also actively seeking employment elsewhere, but is way better a acting like she gives a damn than I am.
Penelope Pittstop - Our clueless receptionist who is going to change the world starting with the organization of our employee kitchen. She's down with the "brothers", as long as they don't come near her, or talk to her, or look at her. She loves (JUST LOVES) that honky tonk, and plays it on her radio at the front desk so that on the rare occasion that some slob visits our office, they'll know that we are By God, USA loving, Bush Backing, Hellfire and Brimstone Baptists!!
Anyway - back to "work" before my Percocet wears off and my backs makes me cry again.. I am a Big Ole' Baby.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
The Job Hunt...going sssslllloooowwwwlllyyy
So the new year is here already. Where are all my prospective employers?? Dead, asleep, still on holiday!?! What is up?
I was interviewing around T-day in November and the next thing I knew the dreaded "holidays" hit. You know that time, it's when everyone is suddenly to busy to come to work, post their open positions on the web, meet and interview people, hire people. Busy Busy Busy People.
So I didn't complain or cry (like I wanted to..) Nope, I just nicely agreed with you all, that yep, things ARE slow during the holidays and it WILL pick up. So here we are folks! 2 working days into the new year, and where are you at people?
Look at my resume, call me, I am the best darn most diligent worker that you'll ever have at your firm. Get on the stick already, before some one snatches me away for the perfect job...
Meanwhile here in hell (my present position) - it's still the same. We are all forced to worship at the temple of the new guy (Elvis hair,earrings) while our customers run away from us, and prospects don't return our calls. Why did I ever agree to take a job in SALES!?!?! What was I smoking?
So if you know of anyone in or around Atlanta that's hiring. Let me know. I am getting desperate.
I know that I am suppose to be grateful for what I got, but trying to sell this crap is like trying to sell Bibles to hookers..
Peaceout People (Always wanted use that one!)
I was interviewing around T-day in November and the next thing I knew the dreaded "holidays" hit. You know that time, it's when everyone is suddenly to busy to come to work, post their open positions on the web, meet and interview people, hire people. Busy Busy Busy People.
So I didn't complain or cry (like I wanted to..) Nope, I just nicely agreed with you all, that yep, things ARE slow during the holidays and it WILL pick up. So here we are folks! 2 working days into the new year, and where are you at people?
Look at my resume, call me, I am the best darn most diligent worker that you'll ever have at your firm. Get on the stick already, before some one snatches me away for the perfect job...
Meanwhile here in hell (my present position) - it's still the same. We are all forced to worship at the temple of the new guy (Elvis hair,earrings) while our customers run away from us, and prospects don't return our calls. Why did I ever agree to take a job in SALES!?!?! What was I smoking?
So if you know of anyone in or around Atlanta that's hiring. Let me know. I am getting desperate.
I know that I am suppose to be grateful for what I got, but trying to sell this crap is like trying to sell Bibles to hookers..
Peaceout People (Always wanted use that one!)
Monday, January 03, 2005
1 Week, 3 parties, house full of relatives, and I'm still standing!
Thank you Lord for giving me the strength, patience and resourcefulness to endure this past week. Thank you also for my wonderful husband, who knows just what I like. Thank you for my children, the ones who showed, the ones who didn't show and the ones who showed but just stayed for a minute or too. I love them all and I am blessed to be their mother.
Thank you Lord for all these things. If 2005 is anything like 2004, bring it on, because I will continue to put all my hopes and trust in you, because I know that you continue will lead me down the right path.
Lastly Lord, thank you for loving me in spite of all my selfishness, and shortcomings.
Thank you Lord for all these things. If 2005 is anything like 2004, bring it on, because I will continue to put all my hopes and trust in you, because I know that you continue will lead me down the right path.
Lastly Lord, thank you for loving me in spite of all my selfishness, and shortcomings.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
God is Great! God is Good!
Got my Christmas shopping done...FINALLY!!!! Boss is out of the office this morning. My amazingly irritating co-worker (earringed Elvis) is whistling Christmas Carols. I swear if I find a room big enough I will choke the crap out of him, and hide his putrid flaccid body in the room. He also has a mean case of flem going from his recent cold. So he is whistling, singing, blowing--the ultimate in digustion...
All my relatives made it into town last night. Yeah, they are lots of fun, and I can't wait to "get the party started".
Cheerio, you grit eaters....
All my relatives made it into town last night. Yeah, they are lots of fun, and I can't wait to "get the party started".
Cheerio, you grit eaters....
Monday, December 20, 2004
Dangit!! It's Monday again!!
Well the honey had to go to his mom's house last Thur to help her move out of it. It's official now, she sold the house, and now she lives with us! Yeah and Boo! Yeah, because she is an OCD housecleaner and great cook, Boo, because she calls me about a million times a day at work to tell me random things like, "You only have 10 boxes of Kleenex and 15 rolls of toilet paper in the house!" or "Hey the church called, and some recording came on, I forgot what it said." ARG!!!
Anyway, my husband was gone for the weekend, which I thought would suck, but incredibly it WAS GREAT!!!! The kids helped with the housework, (I didn't even have to hold a knife to their throats to get them to help!), I got a lot of shopping done, a lot of wrapping done, a little bit of relaxing done.. It was heaven... But he's coming home today, so that's good too.
What else... My arch enemy (enema) the co-worker was out sick for 2.5 days last week. That was also heavenly. No bragging, no lying, no bad hairdos, cheap left earrings... But he's back today, in rare form as usual.
Still looking for a job. Had 2 interviews last week. One was great but the pay was LOW, the other one, they want me to travel EVERY WEEK Sun thru Fri.. Darn, Darn, Darn. Just can't win.
My existing job (hell) STILL HAS NOT MANAGED to put the order that I turned in on Nov 6 into the system. Crapheads!
Anyway, my husband was gone for the weekend, which I thought would suck, but incredibly it WAS GREAT!!!! The kids helped with the housework, (I didn't even have to hold a knife to their throats to get them to help!), I got a lot of shopping done, a lot of wrapping done, a little bit of relaxing done.. It was heaven... But he's coming home today, so that's good too.
What else... My arch enemy (enema) the co-worker was out sick for 2.5 days last week. That was also heavenly. No bragging, no lying, no bad hairdos, cheap left earrings... But he's back today, in rare form as usual.
Still looking for a job. Had 2 interviews last week. One was great but the pay was LOW, the other one, they want me to travel EVERY WEEK Sun thru Fri.. Darn, Darn, Darn. Just can't win.
My existing job (hell) STILL HAS NOT MANAGED to put the order that I turned in on Nov 6 into the system. Crapheads!
Thursday, December 16, 2004
What goes around comes around..
So after bitchin and whining about bad drivers only 2 days ago. It came back to haunt me. I was driving like Helen Keller yesterday. As I spent the day pulling out in front of other cars, running red lights, and avoiding near death car crashes. I realized that I ain't go no room to talk about other people's driving!!
Today is our office Christmas Party. Oh joy, can't wait.. Starts at 1pm at a dark depressing bar. Should be a real swinging time.. It may be cancelled because there's a chemical leak nearby where the bar is. THAT WOULD SO MAKE MY DAY!!!
Anyway I have a job interview today after the party. I pray that I will get this job. I gotta get out of the hellhole that I work at, before I go completely nuts..
I will pray that the Lord either gives me strength or gets me out. You pray for me too, please.
Today is our office Christmas Party. Oh joy, can't wait.. Starts at 1pm at a dark depressing bar. Should be a real swinging time.. It may be cancelled because there's a chemical leak nearby where the bar is. THAT WOULD SO MAKE MY DAY!!!
Anyway I have a job interview today after the party. I pray that I will get this job. I gotta get out of the hellhole that I work at, before I go completely nuts..
I will pray that the Lord either gives me strength or gets me out. You pray for me too, please.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I ain't a mornin person, fer sure..
So when I was on my way to work this morning, some idiot pulled out in front of me.......again! This will make the 4th near collision that I have nearly had in the past 24 hours. I was meaning to come in and rant and rave about it in this post, but here is it after lunch. And, I have my full daily requirement of caffeine in my body, and now I am calm.
I believe that people drive really bad at the holidays. They drive bad because they are suddenly in a rush. Why I don't know... Heck Christmas has been oming on the same day for the past 2004 years, it ain't like it suddenly snuck up on everybody! I also believe that some of the worst drivers in the entire world reside in Atlanta. I'd like to give a shout out particularly to all the soccer moms located along the 400 corridor.
Whenever I get on 400, I just automatically gun it. I gun it because I know that if I don't then I will be ran over by some old lady in a Hummer doing 90, trying to get Junior to his soccer game on time. She's late to the game because, she had to pick up Daddy's dry cleaning, scream at the nanny, go have her nails done, go to the gym for yoga, then all top of all that she had to have lunch with the girls!! Man, life is SO CHAOTIC when you're rich!
BTW- the speed limit on 400 is 80. That's the minimum speed limit, the maximum limit is determined by however fast you can get your car to go, or the a-hole in front of you driving slow as molasses in the left hand lane.
As a note of interest, my male co-worker who spends 8 full hours a day with his nose up the bosses butt (somebody get me a cross bar please!), is now sporting his Diamonelle earring in his left ear FULL TIME. Soooo attractive with those army issue eyeglasses and that pompadour hairdo, buddy. I bet all the welfare moms want you now!
I believe that people drive really bad at the holidays. They drive bad because they are suddenly in a rush. Why I don't know... Heck Christmas has been oming on the same day for the past 2004 years, it ain't like it suddenly snuck up on everybody! I also believe that some of the worst drivers in the entire world reside in Atlanta. I'd like to give a shout out particularly to all the soccer moms located along the 400 corridor.
Whenever I get on 400, I just automatically gun it. I gun it because I know that if I don't then I will be ran over by some old lady in a Hummer doing 90, trying to get Junior to his soccer game on time. She's late to the game because, she had to pick up Daddy's dry cleaning, scream at the nanny, go have her nails done, go to the gym for yoga, then all top of all that she had to have lunch with the girls!! Man, life is SO CHAOTIC when you're rich!
BTW- the speed limit on 400 is 80. That's the minimum speed limit, the maximum limit is determined by however fast you can get your car to go, or the a-hole in front of you driving slow as molasses in the left hand lane.
As a note of interest, my male co-worker who spends 8 full hours a day with his nose up the bosses butt (somebody get me a cross bar please!), is now sporting his Diamonelle earring in his left ear FULL TIME. Soooo attractive with those army issue eyeglasses and that pompadour hairdo, buddy. I bet all the welfare moms want you now!
Monday, December 13, 2004
Red Neck Weddings or How's Your Mom an Dem
So I was invited to the social event of the season. (I use "The" and "Social Event" very loosely. ) I fixed up (i.e. - hooked up for sex...) 2 people in my neighborhood.
I NEVER meant for the dum dum's to get married!?!?! Ok, so I am a floozy of the most obviously sort. When I found out that a cute single guy was moving into my hood, I trounced my self over there to get a better look. (And to scope him out for my single girlfriends.) He was every bit the hottie that I had heard he was. Bought the nicest 2 story in our hood, on a full basement! He's in the military and never been married! (Can you say, "SECURE PAY, and NO BAGGAGE?!?!)
So he's all good, just needed to pick my most worthiest girlfriend for the hook up, er I mean "fix up"!
So my dumb other neighbor, who is a housewife with a really bad afro, was going thru a divorce. Seems her hubby was leaving her for a much younger, supposedly less clingy piece of A. So my afro neighbor, who never had time to even say hello before, is suddenly knocking on my door, ALL THE TIME! I go to the door, she's got her 3 snot nosed brats with her, and she's bawling and taking on about "That sorry son of a bitch"! Like I want to hear all that..
So anyway, in a weak moment (VERY WEAK), I made the mistake of saying, "Hey I met this guy who just moved in..." Well, honey LET ME TELL YOU!! That's all it took, til the black widow put the web out to catch her man!
Called him on a Sunday, Met him on a Monday, and again on Tuesday, then went out on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday... well, you get the picture!! So anywho, about 3 dates later, she comes up to my door covered in hickeys from boots to chin saying, "I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to (insert name here)!"
And a year later, she getting married. Not that I hate her or anything, but the second he said, "I do." He just got really ugly and married looking. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd never mess around on my Prize, but dang - it sure was nice seeing Mr. Single working in his yard with that shirt off!
Now that he's married to the "fro", she'll be feeding him, and fattening him up. She'll make him wear a shirt all the time, so when we do get a glimpse of the former "hunk of burning love", we'll just be looking at the same old thang that we got a home. Just another chubby, pastey, farmer's tan, married guy.
Damn her, she ruined my eye candy. Oh well, her house will be for sale soon, so if you're single and hot.... she owes me one!!
I NEVER meant for the dum dum's to get married!?!?! Ok, so I am a floozy of the most obviously sort. When I found out that a cute single guy was moving into my hood, I trounced my self over there to get a better look. (And to scope him out for my single girlfriends.) He was every bit the hottie that I had heard he was. Bought the nicest 2 story in our hood, on a full basement! He's in the military and never been married! (Can you say, "SECURE PAY, and NO BAGGAGE?!?!)
So he's all good, just needed to pick my most worthiest girlfriend for the hook up, er I mean "fix up"!
So my dumb other neighbor, who is a housewife with a really bad afro, was going thru a divorce. Seems her hubby was leaving her for a much younger, supposedly less clingy piece of A. So my afro neighbor, who never had time to even say hello before, is suddenly knocking on my door, ALL THE TIME! I go to the door, she's got her 3 snot nosed brats with her, and she's bawling and taking on about "That sorry son of a bitch"! Like I want to hear all that..
So anyway, in a weak moment (VERY WEAK), I made the mistake of saying, "Hey I met this guy who just moved in..." Well, honey LET ME TELL YOU!! That's all it took, til the black widow put the web out to catch her man!
Called him on a Sunday, Met him on a Monday, and again on Tuesday, then went out on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday... well, you get the picture!! So anywho, about 3 dates later, she comes up to my door covered in hickeys from boots to chin saying, "I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to (insert name here)!"
And a year later, she getting married. Not that I hate her or anything, but the second he said, "I do." He just got really ugly and married looking. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd never mess around on my Prize, but dang - it sure was nice seeing Mr. Single working in his yard with that shirt off!
Now that he's married to the "fro", she'll be feeding him, and fattening him up. She'll make him wear a shirt all the time, so when we do get a glimpse of the former "hunk of burning love", we'll just be looking at the same old thang that we got a home. Just another chubby, pastey, farmer's tan, married guy.
Damn her, she ruined my eye candy. Oh well, her house will be for sale soon, so if you're single and hot.... she owes me one!!
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Trailer Parks and Tornadoes
So it's raining today. Not just raining, but BIG TIME raining. with lightning, thunder and tornadoes. I hear that there's been tornadoes in Louisiana and Alabamie both.
So tell me.... why are trailers so popular in the south? There are absolutely everywhere here in the south. I go out west and north on occasion and NEVER EVER see any kinds of trailers. What is up with that?
Here's my trailer park philosophy. Poor people and miserable people buy trailers. They buy trailers and move them to places that are prone to tornadoes. Why? Because they are unhappy and smart. I say that they are unhappy because they buy these ugly boxes to live in and move them to locations that will more than likely be annihilated by a tornado. I say the they are smart because, they know that if they get hurt or killed, that someone in their family will inherit money. I know this because I grew up poor.
When I was growing up, it didn't matter if there was a crumb to eat in the entire house and the lights were being turned off for non-payment. My grandmother always made sure to pay her insurance premiums. She didn't just have insurance on herself, but ALL her kids and other random relatives. She also had Accidental Death and Dismemberment (AD&D)
I always thought that she had all those insurance premiums because she was lonely and just wanted to be able to count on the insurance guy to come see her every month and collect them premiums. (Kind of like an escort service, but without the sex!)
But now, I am sure that she did it because she was smart (Very Smart!). Now my grandmother never lived in a trailer, but one of her kids did. (She had a big ole premium on that one.) Now the AD&D came in handy because all my relatives did really risking things, like shooting guns, drinking and driving, and their own auto-repairs (every hear the story of the engine block falling on uncle Roy, and taking his arm off? Was worth $10,000)
But I digress, back to the Trailer Tribes of the South. Have you ever seen a Trailer Park? They trailers are so close together that when you open your trailer door, it bumps into the trailer in front of it!! Whenever a tornado comes thru a trailer park and wipes out half the population of the park, you can bet your sweet hiney, that those lots will have new (I use the word New very loosely) trailers BACK on them in less than a month.
I remember when I was a teen, I used to think, "I can't wait til I grow up and find me a husband. We will buy us some land, and get us a trailer" I must have been VERY poor or miserable..
So tell me.... why are trailers so popular in the south? There are absolutely everywhere here in the south. I go out west and north on occasion and NEVER EVER see any kinds of trailers. What is up with that?
Here's my trailer park philosophy. Poor people and miserable people buy trailers. They buy trailers and move them to places that are prone to tornadoes. Why? Because they are unhappy and smart. I say that they are unhappy because they buy these ugly boxes to live in and move them to locations that will more than likely be annihilated by a tornado. I say the they are smart because, they know that if they get hurt or killed, that someone in their family will inherit money. I know this because I grew up poor.
When I was growing up, it didn't matter if there was a crumb to eat in the entire house and the lights were being turned off for non-payment. My grandmother always made sure to pay her insurance premiums. She didn't just have insurance on herself, but ALL her kids and other random relatives. She also had Accidental Death and Dismemberment (AD&D)
I always thought that she had all those insurance premiums because she was lonely and just wanted to be able to count on the insurance guy to come see her every month and collect them premiums. (Kind of like an escort service, but without the sex!)
But now, I am sure that she did it because she was smart (Very Smart!). Now my grandmother never lived in a trailer, but one of her kids did. (She had a big ole premium on that one.) Now the AD&D came in handy because all my relatives did really risking things, like shooting guns, drinking and driving, and their own auto-repairs (every hear the story of the engine block falling on uncle Roy, and taking his arm off? Was worth $10,000)
But I digress, back to the Trailer Tribes of the South. Have you ever seen a Trailer Park? They trailers are so close together that when you open your trailer door, it bumps into the trailer in front of it!! Whenever a tornado comes thru a trailer park and wipes out half the population of the park, you can bet your sweet hiney, that those lots will have new (I use the word New very loosely) trailers BACK on them in less than a month.
I remember when I was a teen, I used to think, "I can't wait til I grow up and find me a husband. We will buy us some land, and get us a trailer" I must have been VERY poor or miserable..
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Frank-ly my Dear..
So Frank, it seems that you are my lone ranger. Finally someone acknowledges me. Thank you for the response... I'd blog more if I could figure out how to find my blog quickerly (quicker and quickly - yep, it's really a word.)
So let's talk about them thar New Yorkers!! OK, so I slipped up and married me one. Not just any old northern boy, but a bona-fide, born and raised in Flushing, New Yorker!!
My poor honey is just like a tourist here in the south, even though he's been here for about 10 years now. Every day things, that I take for granted, seem to either fascinate or terrify him.
Take our yard for instance, it's less than an acre of weeds, and trees. In my opinion, we should just get us a goat, and forget about mowing. But our yard is his pride and joy!! He spent more than $1,000 to buy a "yard tractor" with a trailer attached. (Boy - that lawnmower salesman must've seen him coming from a mile away!) Then he NEVER mows the yard, or even allows me to use the "yard tractor" to mow either. He makes me use the neighbor's push mower, because our 2 push mowers don't work, and he afraid that the "yard tractor" will overpower me. (And what! try to mow the neighbor's yard, or make out with our cars?!?!) He is also so proud of our little acre. He tells me all the time, how he always wanted acreage. (haha!-acreage?!?)
Animals - Another NY oddity. He is terrified of possums, cows, horses, snakes and bumblebees. He freaks out every time a bee gets within 3 yards of him! He flaps his arms all over the place like he is having a grand mal seizure.
Possums are another source of husband entertainment. We had one that loved to hang out on our porch and eat cat food every night. One night, my husband decided to take back the porch! So my husband waited in the dark for the possum to appear, and when the little critter strolled up for his evening meal, my husband jumps out of the shadows and screams like a banshee, while waving a kitchen broom over his head. That poor possum damn near had a heart attack right on the spot!! Once little possum, regained his wits, my husband starts poking him with the broom handle. NEVER POKE A POSSUM!! That possum was sooo pissed off, he starts ambling toward Mr. Poker, snarling and spitting with his hackles raised.
Finally my husband, drops the broom and runs for dear life back into the house. (I wish I'd been quicker, I would have locked the door, and left him out there with that possessed possum) Once the husband got back into the house, (and interestingly enough, locked the door, so the possum wouldn't open the door and try to get him) he asked me why that possum got so mad. All I said was, "I dunno, rabies?"
Anyway, I love that man and he makes me laugh so much with his crazy ways. I just hope that some time during our lives together that he'll quit talking so fast and learn to love grits..
So let's talk about them thar New Yorkers!! OK, so I slipped up and married me one. Not just any old northern boy, but a bona-fide, born and raised in Flushing, New Yorker!!
My poor honey is just like a tourist here in the south, even though he's been here for about 10 years now. Every day things, that I take for granted, seem to either fascinate or terrify him.
Take our yard for instance, it's less than an acre of weeds, and trees. In my opinion, we should just get us a goat, and forget about mowing. But our yard is his pride and joy!! He spent more than $1,000 to buy a "yard tractor" with a trailer attached. (Boy - that lawnmower salesman must've seen him coming from a mile away!) Then he NEVER mows the yard, or even allows me to use the "yard tractor" to mow either. He makes me use the neighbor's push mower, because our 2 push mowers don't work, and he afraid that the "yard tractor" will overpower me. (And what! try to mow the neighbor's yard, or make out with our cars?!?!) He is also so proud of our little acre. He tells me all the time, how he always wanted acreage. (haha!-acreage?!?)
Animals - Another NY oddity. He is terrified of possums, cows, horses, snakes and bumblebees. He freaks out every time a bee gets within 3 yards of him! He flaps his arms all over the place like he is having a grand mal seizure.
Possums are another source of husband entertainment. We had one that loved to hang out on our porch and eat cat food every night. One night, my husband decided to take back the porch! So my husband waited in the dark for the possum to appear, and when the little critter strolled up for his evening meal, my husband jumps out of the shadows and screams like a banshee, while waving a kitchen broom over his head. That poor possum damn near had a heart attack right on the spot!! Once little possum, regained his wits, my husband starts poking him with the broom handle. NEVER POKE A POSSUM!! That possum was sooo pissed off, he starts ambling toward Mr. Poker, snarling and spitting with his hackles raised.
Finally my husband, drops the broom and runs for dear life back into the house. (I wish I'd been quicker, I would have locked the door, and left him out there with that possessed possum) Once the husband got back into the house, (and interestingly enough, locked the door, so the possum wouldn't open the door and try to get him) he asked me why that possum got so mad. All I said was, "I dunno, rabies?"
Anyway, I love that man and he makes me laugh so much with his crazy ways. I just hope that some time during our lives together that he'll quit talking so fast and learn to love grits..
Monday, December 06, 2004
What happened to the end of November
Mercy! I just turned around and November was gone. So how was my Thanksgiving you ask? Well let me tell you... I did cook everything but the meat and dressing ahead of time. Still worked my hiney off to get that done. Planned to eat at 2, ate at 4 instead. (This is a good time, considering my honey was in charge of the turkey, and slept late.)So it was a pretty good day except for 1 little thing....
As you may know (or not know) my poor little niece lives with me. She is 14 and has had the worst life ever. She had called her dad (Idiot, Lazy, Useless) who is my younger brother, 2 weeks before T-day to make sure to invite him to Thanksgiving. He said that he would be there, no problem. She called him again couple of times during the week, TO MAKE SURE HE WAS COMING.. She then called him again at 11am on Thanksgiving Day, just to MAKE SURE ONCE AGAIN THAT HE WOULD BE THERE!!!
And do you think that the little bastard showed up!?!? HELL NO!! Not only did he not bother to show up, (Even after she had told him how much it would mean to her that he come, and about all the stuff she was cooking for him on this day!) but he also wouldn't answer the calls that she placed EVERY 30 MINUTES to his cell phone when he didn't show up. So about 7pm, I was totally fed up with her sad face, and everyone else asking her, "Where's your Daddy, Thought he was coming." So I called all the numbers he gave me and cussed him out on every answering machine that would pick up.
I left him a vile message at his work. (Which my Dad heard, and let everyone there also hear!) and also left him a scathing message on his cellphone.
Low and Behold! Dear little Daddy called back within 5 (Yep, you heard it right!) minutes after receiving my voicemail, to say he was on his way. Ok, so this is a 100 mile trip from his house to mine. How long do you think it took his dumbass to get to my house after calling? 4 HOURS!!!! He must have went thru China for all I know.
His excuse?!? He told my niece/his kid that he had been sick for 2 weeks, and that was why he was late. (Huh?) 2 weeks, and you never mentioned it before now?
So MEN OF THE WORLD, I have to ask. Why are most of you such crappy fathers/boyfriends/husband's?!? Please tell me, I'd really like to know!! Sometimes I am such a MAN-HATER.
Nothing else much happened. I hate to be such a SUPER-BITCH, but I really hate to see people I love in pain, especially when the person causing the pain is also someone I love. (or used to until Thursday anyway..)
Also for all you guys out there, let this be a lesson. DON'T EVER MESS WITH A MOMMY. We'd just a soon kill your ass, than to let you hurt children.
Have a great week, maybe I will be more proactive in my updates! Ciao'
As you may know (or not know) my poor little niece lives with me. She is 14 and has had the worst life ever. She had called her dad (Idiot, Lazy, Useless) who is my younger brother, 2 weeks before T-day to make sure to invite him to Thanksgiving. He said that he would be there, no problem. She called him again couple of times during the week, TO MAKE SURE HE WAS COMING.. She then called him again at 11am on Thanksgiving Day, just to MAKE SURE ONCE AGAIN THAT HE WOULD BE THERE!!!
And do you think that the little bastard showed up!?!? HELL NO!! Not only did he not bother to show up, (Even after she had told him how much it would mean to her that he come, and about all the stuff she was cooking for him on this day!) but he also wouldn't answer the calls that she placed EVERY 30 MINUTES to his cell phone when he didn't show up. So about 7pm, I was totally fed up with her sad face, and everyone else asking her, "Where's your Daddy, Thought he was coming." So I called all the numbers he gave me and cussed him out on every answering machine that would pick up.
I left him a vile message at his work. (Which my Dad heard, and let everyone there also hear!) and also left him a scathing message on his cellphone.
Low and Behold! Dear little Daddy called back within 5 (Yep, you heard it right!) minutes after receiving my voicemail, to say he was on his way. Ok, so this is a 100 mile trip from his house to mine. How long do you think it took his dumbass to get to my house after calling? 4 HOURS!!!! He must have went thru China for all I know.
His excuse?!? He told my niece/his kid that he had been sick for 2 weeks, and that was why he was late. (Huh?) 2 weeks, and you never mentioned it before now?
So MEN OF THE WORLD, I have to ask. Why are most of you such crappy fathers/boyfriends/husband's?!? Please tell me, I'd really like to know!! Sometimes I am such a MAN-HATER.
Nothing else much happened. I hate to be such a SUPER-BITCH, but I really hate to see people I love in pain, especially when the person causing the pain is also someone I love. (or used to until Thursday anyway..)
Also for all you guys out there, let this be a lesson. DON'T EVER MESS WITH A MOMMY. We'd just a soon kill your ass, than to let you hurt children.
Have a great week, maybe I will be more proactive in my updates! Ciao'
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