I sometimes wonder how I can fully damage my children mentally. (The courts say that I am not allowed to "hit" them anymore. Not even where the bruises don't show.)
Here's some of the amazing tools that I use, in order to make sure that my children remain emotionally broken and move out of my house the second they turn 18.
1.) Go to PTA meeting wearing Daisy Duke's and a tube top. (I am a large, old woman, and have lovely stretch marks all over my body!) This is my way of telling my children, "Thank you for ruining my girlish figure, with your abnormally large head during gestation. I am proud to sport the body that you gave me!
2.) When ever I drop the kids off at school in the morning, I wait until the little darling gets out of the car and yell at the top of my lungs, "Mommy loves you!, Make good choices!, Just say NO to drugs!" This immediately turns my child into a Olympic Sprinter toward the school.
3.) Talk about your child's hygiene and bowel movements to completed strangers. Example: Task your precious one into a drug store or department store, the larger the better. Make your way up to the store manager or pharmacist while holding your child firmly in your grasp so that he/she can't escape, and ask a question like, "Do you sell Husky?" or "Little Tommy hasn't went number 2 in 3 days, do you have anything for that?"
4.) Talk to members of the opposite sex in front of your child. "So you go to school with Jenny? Do you think she's hot? Have you ever seen her wear that red sweater? Do you want to take her to the prom?"
5.) Make a scene. Laugh Loud, Sing to yourself in public, Talk to strangers. Wear anything bright...etc.. Just about any sudden movement or noise that you make that would identify you as your child's mother is a source of of extreme embarrassment to your child.
That's all that come to mind right now, but I am sure after I come back from a week of vacation with my little angels that I will have MANY more parenting tips to share.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Raspberry..
So everything is Raspberry flavored now. What is a Raspberry anyway? Just an unripe Blackberry if you ask me!
Raspberries suck, who likes them anyway?
AND
They're red dammit! Not blue. Who in marketing came up with the brilliant idea that anything raspberry must be blue? (Especially marketed to children)
Probably a damn man!
Raspberries suck, who likes them anyway?
AND
They're red dammit! Not blue. Who in marketing came up with the brilliant idea that anything raspberry must be blue? (Especially marketed to children)
Probably a damn man!
Friday, July 22, 2005
B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!!
I am such a Suzy Homemaker this week. My deep and unsettling hatred of XMIL has caused me to do something that I haven't done in a while.
MAKE A SHIRT!!!
Stand back Calvin Klien, Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan, I am the greatest new fashion designer of the world!!! Ok, so really it was a McCalls pattern that I got off the sales rack at Wal-Mart last winter, and the fabric costs only a dollar a yard. But I made it dammit and it's so cute!!!
I wore it to work today, and it's a little low necked, so whenever I look down, guess what I see?
B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!!
That's right, my girls!! My pride and joys!!! Right up there under my nose. I have no idea why, but those puppies are really up there today!! I will probably have to retire my wonderful boobilicious shirt after today, but it was nice to wear something I actually made myself. (It's totally Daisy Duke looking - original DD)
The only draw back is (besides being way too low necked!) is that I keep seeing random strings coming out of the shirt. I am afraid that if I pull anything, that the whole she-bang will just come loose and drop in a puddle around me ankles, and everyone will see my "old lady bra".
Oh well, can't win 'em all, but atleast I do have B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!
MAKE A SHIRT!!!
Stand back Calvin Klien, Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan, I am the greatest new fashion designer of the world!!! Ok, so really it was a McCalls pattern that I got off the sales rack at Wal-Mart last winter, and the fabric costs only a dollar a yard. But I made it dammit and it's so cute!!!
I wore it to work today, and it's a little low necked, so whenever I look down, guess what I see?
B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!!
That's right, my girls!! My pride and joys!!! Right up there under my nose. I have no idea why, but those puppies are really up there today!! I will probably have to retire my wonderful boobilicious shirt after today, but it was nice to wear something I actually made myself. (It's totally Daisy Duke looking - original DD)
The only draw back is (besides being way too low necked!) is that I keep seeing random strings coming out of the shirt. I am afraid that if I pull anything, that the whole she-bang will just come loose and drop in a puddle around me ankles, and everyone will see my "old lady bra".
Oh well, can't win 'em all, but atleast I do have B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Ex-wife's Mother-in-Law
No, not my ex-wife, my husband's. I am an idiot, that's all there is...
See, my husband's ex-wife quit talking to her mother about 5 years ago, because XMIL didn't support her daugther's decision to divorce my darling prince. So, what does XMIL do, she starts calling my husband telling him how much she'd like to visit her granddaughter and how she knows that the mom will never let her visit the granddaughter again, because they aren't speaking. So being the putz that I am (and not realizing XMIL tru evil side!) I encourage him to let the old bat come visit.
B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E. The first couple of visits went ok. XMIL would come and visit, whisper to the grown up about what a low life her daughter was, and basically just enjoy her time with the granddaughter. But then, BUT THEN, the true colors began to show.
First all, - the lady is hard of hearing. (She lied to us and told us that her mom hit her in the head until she went deaf. - not true) AND she's from Brooklyn, AND she keeps birds, lots of birds. Combine all that together and you get a loud, highpitched, nasally Brooklyn accent. This is a voice that strips paint of the wall, when she talks!! But miraculous, she has the hearing of a damn eagle whenever you say something that you DON'T want her to hear, and will even give you her unsolicited opinion on it, even though you weren't asking her!
2ndly - She lies, and she talks bad about EVERYONE she knows. She dissed her kid, her family AND her friends. She was showing me pictures one time and actually had the nerve to tell me that God was punishing her friend (he's in a wheelchair) because his parents were like 3rd cousins and married eachother. (Nice...) I told her that I didn't think that God worked like that. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, and she still tells Her husband that my husband is STILL with her daughter!! (Confusing, I know!)
3rdly - She tells our daughter bad things about her mother. (the daughter) AND her dad. (Talking shit about my husband will earn you an ass kicking real quick, from me!) She tells my child that she doesn't know why her mommy doesn't love grandma anymore, and that mommy is mean to grandma. (Hey lady, you dissed your daughter when she needed you the most, then talked bad about her, to everyone you know. HELLO, this is your daughter that you are pissing on!) Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of the ex-wife myself, but she IS the mommy, therefore we don't talk bad about the mommy.
Grandma also told our child some silly story about how a family pet had gotten ran over, and then told the child that Daddy has basically lied about how it really happened. (it was totally stupid and not true, but it eroded our daughter's confidence in her dad.)
4thly - The woman eats like a damn horse, AND pretends that she has food allergies. The old bat weighs less than 100lbs, and has a great figure, but she can eat you out of house and home! From the minute she hits are door, she is CONSTANTLY munching and grazing like an old milk cow!! And everynow and then, she'll pretend like she has some silly allergy and want you to buy her "special food". One time, she had a milk allergy, therefore she made us supply her with rice milk, which she didn't drink, because it tastes like liquid garbage!! (She has drank milk since then with no problems, old wench!!)
Last weekend, when the bat was visting, I made a chocolate cake. My husband nervously tells me that XMIL is allergic to chocolate. I just said, "Watch this." then asked the old bat is she wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Ofcourse she said sure, and even went back for seconds. (and probably thirds, when no one was looking!)I waited all night for that old hag to swell up and die. I was so disappointed!!
5thly- The woman never opens her purse for shit!! She complains that she's hungry the minute you get her off the plane, so we have to take her out to a restaurant. Does she offer to pay, ever? Hell no!! We drive an hour to pick her dumb ass up at the airport, have to totally rearrange our schedules, does she offer anything on gas? No!! She goes shopping, buys her friends all kinds of crap to take back to NY, buys her damn birds all kinds of crap... Does she buy her ONLY granddaughter even a freaking piece of gum? Whaddaya think? NO!!!! Heifer bitchass hooch!
Just to let you know of this lady's love toward her grandchild. There was this one time that our daughter was showing XMIL a ring that her mom had given her. XMIL looks at it and says "that's my wedding band that I gave my mother 30 years ago, I want it back!!", and then tried to take the ring from our 6 yr old. Our child said, "No, my mother gave me that ring!: (Apparently the XMIL's mom had held on the ring for 25 years or so, then gave it to HER granddaughter and told her that she could have the ring since it was the wedding band of her parents, who had divorced right after she was born.) So XMIL runs to my husband and tell him (like a damn 5 yr old!) that she wants her ring back from the 6 yr old, and that "she won't give it back". Husband says, "that's between you and her."
Then the bat from hell, runs to me and says the same thing. I tell her that it's our daughter's ring and therefore her decision, but that XMIL CANNOT just take the ring. So XMIL guilt trips the poor child for about a day, until she finally caves and say that the old bat can have the ring. but ONLY if XMIL will buy her another ring. So XMIL makes me take her to Wal-Mart to get a another ring. She strolls over to the racks that holds the cheap stuff, while the daughter and I proceed to the ring counter to find the most expensive ring possible. In the end, the little monster saw something glittery and purple, therefore I could only peg the ole bat for $40 bucks. (Darnit.)
Anyway, these crazy wench came for another visit this past weekend, and totally showed her ass as usual. I told my husband that the next time she wanted to visit, to tell her not to come, because we are having martial problems.
He gave me a stricken look, and said, "But we're not having marital problems."
I just said, "Oh we will, if she ever comes back!''
See, my husband's ex-wife quit talking to her mother about 5 years ago, because XMIL didn't support her daugther's decision to divorce my darling prince. So, what does XMIL do, she starts calling my husband telling him how much she'd like to visit her granddaughter and how she knows that the mom will never let her visit the granddaughter again, because they aren't speaking. So being the putz that I am (and not realizing XMIL tru evil side!) I encourage him to let the old bat come visit.
B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E. The first couple of visits went ok. XMIL would come and visit, whisper to the grown up about what a low life her daughter was, and basically just enjoy her time with the granddaughter. But then, BUT THEN, the true colors began to show.
First all, - the lady is hard of hearing. (She lied to us and told us that her mom hit her in the head until she went deaf. - not true) AND she's from Brooklyn, AND she keeps birds, lots of birds. Combine all that together and you get a loud, highpitched, nasally Brooklyn accent. This is a voice that strips paint of the wall, when she talks!! But miraculous, she has the hearing of a damn eagle whenever you say something that you DON'T want her to hear, and will even give you her unsolicited opinion on it, even though you weren't asking her!
2ndly - She lies, and she talks bad about EVERYONE she knows. She dissed her kid, her family AND her friends. She was showing me pictures one time and actually had the nerve to tell me that God was punishing her friend (he's in a wheelchair) because his parents were like 3rd cousins and married eachother. (Nice...) I told her that I didn't think that God worked like that. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, and she still tells Her husband that my husband is STILL with her daughter!! (Confusing, I know!)
3rdly - She tells our daughter bad things about her mother. (the daughter) AND her dad. (Talking shit about my husband will earn you an ass kicking real quick, from me!) She tells my child that she doesn't know why her mommy doesn't love grandma anymore, and that mommy is mean to grandma. (Hey lady, you dissed your daughter when she needed you the most, then talked bad about her, to everyone you know. HELLO, this is your daughter that you are pissing on!) Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of the ex-wife myself, but she IS the mommy, therefore we don't talk bad about the mommy.
Grandma also told our child some silly story about how a family pet had gotten ran over, and then told the child that Daddy has basically lied about how it really happened. (it was totally stupid and not true, but it eroded our daughter's confidence in her dad.)
4thly - The woman eats like a damn horse, AND pretends that she has food allergies. The old bat weighs less than 100lbs, and has a great figure, but she can eat you out of house and home! From the minute she hits are door, she is CONSTANTLY munching and grazing like an old milk cow!! And everynow and then, she'll pretend like she has some silly allergy and want you to buy her "special food". One time, she had a milk allergy, therefore she made us supply her with rice milk, which she didn't drink, because it tastes like liquid garbage!! (She has drank milk since then with no problems, old wench!!)
Last weekend, when the bat was visting, I made a chocolate cake. My husband nervously tells me that XMIL is allergic to chocolate. I just said, "Watch this." then asked the old bat is she wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Ofcourse she said sure, and even went back for seconds. (and probably thirds, when no one was looking!)I waited all night for that old hag to swell up and die. I was so disappointed!!
5thly- The woman never opens her purse for shit!! She complains that she's hungry the minute you get her off the plane, so we have to take her out to a restaurant. Does she offer to pay, ever? Hell no!! We drive an hour to pick her dumb ass up at the airport, have to totally rearrange our schedules, does she offer anything on gas? No!! She goes shopping, buys her friends all kinds of crap to take back to NY, buys her damn birds all kinds of crap... Does she buy her ONLY granddaughter even a freaking piece of gum? Whaddaya think? NO!!!! Heifer bitchass hooch!
Just to let you know of this lady's love toward her grandchild. There was this one time that our daughter was showing XMIL a ring that her mom had given her. XMIL looks at it and says "that's my wedding band that I gave my mother 30 years ago, I want it back!!", and then tried to take the ring from our 6 yr old. Our child said, "No, my mother gave me that ring!: (Apparently the XMIL's mom had held on the ring for 25 years or so, then gave it to HER granddaughter and told her that she could have the ring since it was the wedding band of her parents, who had divorced right after she was born.) So XMIL runs to my husband and tell him (like a damn 5 yr old!) that she wants her ring back from the 6 yr old, and that "she won't give it back". Husband says, "that's between you and her."
Then the bat from hell, runs to me and says the same thing. I tell her that it's our daughter's ring and therefore her decision, but that XMIL CANNOT just take the ring. So XMIL guilt trips the poor child for about a day, until she finally caves and say that the old bat can have the ring. but ONLY if XMIL will buy her another ring. So XMIL makes me take her to Wal-Mart to get a another ring. She strolls over to the racks that holds the cheap stuff, while the daughter and I proceed to the ring counter to find the most expensive ring possible. In the end, the little monster saw something glittery and purple, therefore I could only peg the ole bat for $40 bucks. (Darnit.)
Anyway, these crazy wench came for another visit this past weekend, and totally showed her ass as usual. I told my husband that the next time she wanted to visit, to tell her not to come, because we are having martial problems.
He gave me a stricken look, and said, "But we're not having marital problems."
I just said, "Oh we will, if she ever comes back!''
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Army Surplus Store
So now I ride the bus to work.. Ridin da' bus. Ridin da' bus..
We pass by a Army Surplus Store, and what's in the wnidow, but a big ole queer flag. Beautiful Rainbow Colors.... Somehow I don't think I ever saw those flag in any wars...
I liked it, it was sweet.
NOthing new to report. Except the mother in law is back.....and very needy.
We pass by a Army Surplus Store, and what's in the wnidow, but a big ole queer flag. Beautiful Rainbow Colors.... Somehow I don't think I ever saw those flag in any wars...
I liked it, it was sweet.
NOthing new to report. Except the mother in law is back.....and very needy.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Then there was Sunday...
As you will soon figure out, we did alot of traveling (and partying) over the weekend of the 4th.
Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)
So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.
John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town mentality..cool.) So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.
So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.
So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)
So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.
John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."
Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!
Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."
Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)
So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.
As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!
Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)
So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.
John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town mentality..cool.) So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.
So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.
So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)
So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.
John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."
Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!
Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."
Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)
So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.
As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
A Month's Worth of Drama Packed into 1 Wild Night!!
So, I laid outta work on Friday, because the phone company finally saw the good in me and hired me on fulltime. I AM SUCH A PRIZE!! So I had to take my final temp employee comp day...or lose it.
So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)
So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.
Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!
One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.
B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!!!
So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.
So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?
They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.
So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.
We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"
Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..
But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".
I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.
So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.
Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.
Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.
Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!
So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!
Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)
Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...
So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.
Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.
My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...
So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)
Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.
So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.
I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..
So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"
Yeah right, you freaks...
Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.
A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....
So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)
So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.
Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!
One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.
B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!!!
So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.
So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?
They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.
So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.
We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"
Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..
But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".
I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.
So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.
Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.
Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.
Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!
So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!
Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)
Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...
So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.
Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.
My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...
So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)
Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.
So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.
I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..
So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"
Yeah right, you freaks...
Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.
A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....
Monday, June 20, 2005
Huli,,,Huli,,,Huli,,,,you quitter.
So one of my favorite people quit the phone company today. You wench....I have to admire her though. She started working here when I started, did the job for 4 months, discovered that she hated it, and said, "See ya later alligators!" I'm gonna miss her...
She was so funny. We used to go out and get Chinese every now and then and she'd open her fotune cookie and say, "Never trouble trouble, til trouble troubles you!" and that's exactly how she lived her life.
Can you imagine, just having a job you hated and saying, "F it, I am outta here!" She handled it better than that ofcourse, but that was basically the theme of how it went down. She was much more ladylike about it than how I would have been.. haha
Miss you Huli, poor G-girl had to go smoke by herself today...Come Back!!
It's Monday alllllll day long aroung here..
She was so funny. We used to go out and get Chinese every now and then and she'd open her fotune cookie and say, "Never trouble trouble, til trouble troubles you!" and that's exactly how she lived her life.
Can you imagine, just having a job you hated and saying, "F it, I am outta here!" She handled it better than that ofcourse, but that was basically the theme of how it went down. She was much more ladylike about it than how I would have been.. haha
Miss you Huli, poor G-girl had to go smoke by herself today...Come Back!!
It's Monday alllllll day long aroung here..
Friday, June 10, 2005
Where is my new post?
Blogger ate it.. that's where. Tards. I hate you .
Is Friday already? Yep, thank the Lord!!
Anyone want to take a nice mother in law and 8yr old kid off my hands for the evening? So I can go meet my husband at a motel and "get my groove on". Didn't think so..
Only my husband would be so anal as to get a hotel room, so he can be close to a testing facility that was only two hours away, so that he can take a test a 07:30 am tomorrow.
Excuse me dear, I could have swore you said that we were broke. Right before you booked that 7 day cruise you booked last week. And weren't you the one that said that we didn't have enough money for you to go to the dentist and have that toothache looked at BEFORE it needed a root canal? Wasn't that just last night?
Enjoy your hotel room, sweetie...... While I "enjoy" entertaining you mother.
Anyone out there got a sharp stick?
Is Friday already? Yep, thank the Lord!!
Anyone want to take a nice mother in law and 8yr old kid off my hands for the evening? So I can go meet my husband at a motel and "get my groove on". Didn't think so..
Only my husband would be so anal as to get a hotel room, so he can be close to a testing facility that was only two hours away, so that he can take a test a 07:30 am tomorrow.
Excuse me dear, I could have swore you said that we were broke. Right before you booked that 7 day cruise you booked last week. And weren't you the one that said that we didn't have enough money for you to go to the dentist and have that toothache looked at BEFORE it needed a root canal? Wasn't that just last night?
Enjoy your hotel room, sweetie...... While I "enjoy" entertaining you mother.
Anyone out there got a sharp stick?
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Some People
Guilty as charged here. You all know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to rag on people. Dumb People, Irritating People, no one's immune from my wrath. Which is why I have to tell you about my dear co-worker Farg.
That's not really her name, but it does rhyme with Farg. Anway Farg is IRRITATING to the inth degree. Poor Thing. She has no life so she must invent one. It's a life that is better than yours, more tragic than yours, or worse than yours, depending upon what the story is that she needs to top.
I must be getting old, when people lie to me, then contradict themselves, I almost always believe that I am the one losing my mind. Never assuming that I am being lied too. Lucky for me, there's another coworker that knows Farg from way back when...
Farg's husband was killed in Desert Storm, he was also killed in Hawaii. Damned if I know how he managed to get himself killed twice. Dear old buddy coworker confirmed that he actually divorced Farg. hmmm, wonder why????
In Farg's 42 years of life, she has worked at S%^&t, trained to be a nurse, been a nurse, been an overseas stewardess, and a homemaker, among other things. At her job at S%^&t, she has been everything from a Director to an Admin Assistance (let that one slip today - dumbass..)
Farg has had cancer. One day it was breast cancer, next time she told the story, it was cancer of the breast AND the female organs down south. She has implants. It appears that the doctor put them closer to her belly button than he should have. In one conversation regarding cancer, she did not lose any hair during chemo, but 2 sentences later she DID lose hair during chemo and it grew back curly (It's straight.) Then she had cancer of the mother. The mother died. (She really did, per Dear old buddy coworker) Farg managed to hang on to dearly departed Mom's handicap parking sticker, and now parks in the best spots in the parking garage. (Bitch - I hope you trip on the handicap curb...)
Farg has a boyfriend. He's from Ireland. He plays in a band. The band mates travel all over the southeast. He's an inventor. He's a scientist. He's a doctor. Damn he must be busy!!! He never calls, no one's ever met him. He doesn't exist.
Farg is moving to her mansion in East Cobb. Now she's selling that same mansion for a half million, only now it's in Vinings. Guess you can't get half million for a mansion in East Cobb. She actually lives with her girlfriend. Now she lives with a bunch of girls in a apt.
Her roommate makes cakes. Now she owns a Hair club for Men. She's rich! This roommate recently almost died in a carwreck and was in the hospital awaiting surgery. The roommate made a birthday cake the next day. Do they have ovens in hospital rooms now?
Farg loves to talk AND interrupt. When ever you start to say something, she starts talking. Only she's louder and faster.
Farg is a VIP. No matter what you're doing. Talking to a manager, director, God. If you're on a conf call and she needs something, she'll interrupt and and keep asking her quesion . Loudly.
Farg is a big VIP. Going out to lunch? "Would you mind posting these letters for me." I didn't know that there were restuarants at the Post Office? Going to the breakroom? "Would cha bring me a coke? some ice?" If she figures out how someone else can pee for her, she'll pawn that off too.
Farg is a suck up. She is so good at it that her last name sounds like ass kiss. I swear to you, it does. When the boss is in the room, she talks, and talks, and talks. Even if she doesn't have a clue, she'll tell the boss the she is the subject matter expert on this and that. On anything, everything...she knows it all.
Farg loves reports. She gets on the phone and calls people and says things like, "I can get that to you on a spreadsheet." "I can do a report on that." "Really, it's no problem to do a report for you on that." My third grader is better at reports than Farg. But that doesn't deter Farg from slapping it on Excel and sending out to God and everybody to see. If we're not careful, she'll put me and you on a report and email it to someone. Beware.
Farg talks to herself. Whenever someone gives her a sharp look or an annoyed remark, She tells herself (loudly) that she "was just trying to blah blah blah".
Farg has tourrettes syndrome. Poor thing. Whenever you are on the phone, trying to have a private conversation, she blurts out her unwanted (expert) advice. Sometimes, she screams something out for now reason at all. "Nice One!" "Haha, I can't believe that ____ did ____, I just ain't believing this!" She reminds me of Rainman. (Judge Wapner at 6 o'clock!!!)
I use to think I was just a bitch, or losing my mind. Then I started to hear others whispering about Farg. "How irritating..." "What a freaking liar..." "What the hell?" and I knew it wasn't just me. It was Farg.
Poor thing. I think every office needs aleast one Farg. It keeps thing interesting. I wouldn't change her for nothing in the world.
That's not really her name, but it does rhyme with Farg. Anway Farg is IRRITATING to the inth degree. Poor Thing. She has no life so she must invent one. It's a life that is better than yours, more tragic than yours, or worse than yours, depending upon what the story is that she needs to top.
I must be getting old, when people lie to me, then contradict themselves, I almost always believe that I am the one losing my mind. Never assuming that I am being lied too. Lucky for me, there's another coworker that knows Farg from way back when...
Farg's husband was killed in Desert Storm, he was also killed in Hawaii. Damned if I know how he managed to get himself killed twice. Dear old buddy coworker confirmed that he actually divorced Farg. hmmm, wonder why????
In Farg's 42 years of life, she has worked at S%^&t, trained to be a nurse, been a nurse, been an overseas stewardess, and a homemaker, among other things. At her job at S%^&t, she has been everything from a Director to an Admin Assistance (let that one slip today - dumbass..)
Farg has had cancer. One day it was breast cancer, next time she told the story, it was cancer of the breast AND the female organs down south. She has implants. It appears that the doctor put them closer to her belly button than he should have. In one conversation regarding cancer, she did not lose any hair during chemo, but 2 sentences later she DID lose hair during chemo and it grew back curly (It's straight.) Then she had cancer of the mother. The mother died. (She really did, per Dear old buddy coworker) Farg managed to hang on to dearly departed Mom's handicap parking sticker, and now parks in the best spots in the parking garage. (Bitch - I hope you trip on the handicap curb...)
Farg has a boyfriend. He's from Ireland. He plays in a band. The band mates travel all over the southeast. He's an inventor. He's a scientist. He's a doctor. Damn he must be busy!!! He never calls, no one's ever met him. He doesn't exist.
Farg is moving to her mansion in East Cobb. Now she's selling that same mansion for a half million, only now it's in Vinings. Guess you can't get half million for a mansion in East Cobb. She actually lives with her girlfriend. Now she lives with a bunch of girls in a apt.
Her roommate makes cakes. Now she owns a Hair club for Men. She's rich! This roommate recently almost died in a carwreck and was in the hospital awaiting surgery. The roommate made a birthday cake the next day. Do they have ovens in hospital rooms now?
Farg loves to talk AND interrupt. When ever you start to say something, she starts talking. Only she's louder and faster.
Farg is a VIP. No matter what you're doing. Talking to a manager, director, God. If you're on a conf call and she needs something, she'll interrupt and and keep asking her quesion . Loudly.
Farg is a big VIP. Going out to lunch? "Would you mind posting these letters for me." I didn't know that there were restuarants at the Post Office? Going to the breakroom? "Would cha bring me a coke? some ice?" If she figures out how someone else can pee for her, she'll pawn that off too.
Farg is a suck up. She is so good at it that her last name sounds like ass kiss. I swear to you, it does. When the boss is in the room, she talks, and talks, and talks. Even if she doesn't have a clue, she'll tell the boss the she is the subject matter expert on this and that. On anything, everything...she knows it all.
Farg loves reports. She gets on the phone and calls people and says things like, "I can get that to you on a spreadsheet." "I can do a report on that." "Really, it's no problem to do a report for you on that." My third grader is better at reports than Farg. But that doesn't deter Farg from slapping it on Excel and sending out to God and everybody to see. If we're not careful, she'll put me and you on a report and email it to someone. Beware.
Farg talks to herself. Whenever someone gives her a sharp look or an annoyed remark, She tells herself (loudly) that she "was just trying to blah blah blah".
Farg has tourrettes syndrome. Poor thing. Whenever you are on the phone, trying to have a private conversation, she blurts out her unwanted (expert) advice. Sometimes, she screams something out for now reason at all. "Nice One!" "Haha, I can't believe that ____ did ____, I just ain't believing this!" She reminds me of Rainman. (Judge Wapner at 6 o'clock!!!)
I use to think I was just a bitch, or losing my mind. Then I started to hear others whispering about Farg. "How irritating..." "What a freaking liar..." "What the hell?" and I knew it wasn't just me. It was Farg.
Poor thing. I think every office needs aleast one Farg. It keeps thing interesting. I wouldn't change her for nothing in the world.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Maw In Law
So What happen to me? you are asking yourselves....
Well, Maw-in-Law is back in town..... Yep, leave it to an in-law to call you, after you are in bed, but 3 minutes before you are about to get down to biz-ness with her little boy!!! That's exactly how it happened too. (or didn't happen, come to think of it!)
On a Thursday night... the one night of the month when we were going to get lucky...Ring!!!Ring!!! goes the phone. Nothing kills the mood like the voice of your mother, in a hot hurry panic....to book a plane trip ...... to your house.... 3 weeks earlier than originally planned.
Love you Maw-in-Law!!! Thanks for the call!
So she was at her psycho sister's house. (sister = Sybil, 3 Faces of Eve, Angelina Joli in Girl Interrupted..) MIL and sister got into a knock down drag out, so MIL called us and wanted to jet back to our house. No problem, love to have you here...Only I haven't cleaned the house since you left back in February.
So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was spent in a frenzy of cleaning, clearing and organizing!! Even though, MIL has spent every single second since her arrival re-cleaning, re-clearing, and re-organizing, me, again....
On a brighter note!! She is heading back to my Sister-in-law's to re-clean, re-clear, and re-organize her house in 3 weeks. Oh Joy!!
I love having MIL at my house, she's Arabic and I'm Southern, so every sentence we speak ends with "Can you repeat that?". And though we have nothing in common, expect we both love the same guy, (Her boy, my hubby!),we manage to have fun. She is really keeping me on the go. She likes to shop, eat out, and visit places, while I like to lay around, sleep, and do nothing. Guess whose agenda, we follow? Yep, hers!! So you will hear less and less of me the next 3 weeks or so, while I try to work, clean house for a change, entertain MIL, and somewhere in the middle of all that, lay around and do nothing!!!
I'll miss you!
Well, Maw-in-Law is back in town..... Yep, leave it to an in-law to call you, after you are in bed, but 3 minutes before you are about to get down to biz-ness with her little boy!!! That's exactly how it happened too. (or didn't happen, come to think of it!)
On a Thursday night... the one night of the month when we were going to get lucky...Ring!!!Ring!!! goes the phone. Nothing kills the mood like the voice of your mother, in a hot hurry panic....to book a plane trip ...... to your house.... 3 weeks earlier than originally planned.
Love you Maw-in-Law!!! Thanks for the call!
So she was at her psycho sister's house. (sister = Sybil, 3 Faces of Eve, Angelina Joli in Girl Interrupted..) MIL and sister got into a knock down drag out, so MIL called us and wanted to jet back to our house. No problem, love to have you here...Only I haven't cleaned the house since you left back in February.
So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was spent in a frenzy of cleaning, clearing and organizing!! Even though, MIL has spent every single second since her arrival re-cleaning, re-clearing, and re-organizing, me, again....
On a brighter note!! She is heading back to my Sister-in-law's to re-clean, re-clear, and re-organize her house in 3 weeks. Oh Joy!!
I love having MIL at my house, she's Arabic and I'm Southern, so every sentence we speak ends with "Can you repeat that?". And though we have nothing in common, expect we both love the same guy, (Her boy, my hubby!),we manage to have fun. She is really keeping me on the go. She likes to shop, eat out, and visit places, while I like to lay around, sleep, and do nothing. Guess whose agenda, we follow? Yep, hers!! So you will hear less and less of me the next 3 weeks or so, while I try to work, clean house for a change, entertain MIL, and somewhere in the middle of all that, lay around and do nothing!!!
I'll miss you!
Monday, May 16, 2005
Children of the Corn..
So Saturday night we are feeling a little sorry for the neighbor, because his wife is not the proud owner of the local Tai Kwon Do (Spelling?) studio and now must spend every waking moment of their life at it, or funding raising for it.
So the wife had organized a "sleep in" to raise money for the studio (This in the same day after she did a carwash AND a yardsale for the same studio) So anyway, we are feeling sorry for the neighbor guy, because wife took off with the 3 older kids and left him with the 2 yr old for the evening. So I invited them over for dinner and a movie.
The neighbor is originally from Michigan, the red neck part. So I thought that I'd give him some good ole home cooking. So I fried up some chicken livers, steamed some cabbage, made pinto beans and cornbread and oh yea potato salad. Evidently people in Michigan never were as poor as us Southerns. He had never had chicken livers before. He was so funny, he said, "People actually eat these as a meal?" He wouldn't touch cornbread or cabbage. Put he did have the potato salad a little bit of beans, so I guess he didn't starve.
His 2 year old on the other hand was in heaven. I swear that kid will eat anything. He was slurping down sweet tea like it was heaven. He was begging his dad for beans (Those have to be rationed because they make for awful messy diapers, per the dad.) and I had also made some noodles for my finicky brats, but the baby was totally enthralled by the noodles. He was slurping those like worms, throwing them on his head, throwing on my son's head, making mustaches out of them, feeding them to the dogs... (The dogs were in heaven too, to find a new "feed me at the table" source!) The baby was just too cute!!
I just love the nieghbor's kids. They are so cool for kids. I think it must be because their parents have tons of patience and take them everywhere they go. I rarely ever hear the mom "snap" (which is something that I am prone to.) and she is always on top of their behavior. So that makes for well behaved kids. Now they do have their moments, but they are few and far between.
I think these little monster's are my training pants for when I have grandkids. I just love them, the come over and entertain me, and when they get on my last nerve, I just open the door and say, "Is that your mom calling? Must be time for you to go home!"
So the wife had organized a "sleep in" to raise money for the studio (This in the same day after she did a carwash AND a yardsale for the same studio) So anyway, we are feeling sorry for the neighbor guy, because wife took off with the 3 older kids and left him with the 2 yr old for the evening. So I invited them over for dinner and a movie.
The neighbor is originally from Michigan, the red neck part. So I thought that I'd give him some good ole home cooking. So I fried up some chicken livers, steamed some cabbage, made pinto beans and cornbread and oh yea potato salad. Evidently people in Michigan never were as poor as us Southerns. He had never had chicken livers before. He was so funny, he said, "People actually eat these as a meal?" He wouldn't touch cornbread or cabbage. Put he did have the potato salad a little bit of beans, so I guess he didn't starve.
His 2 year old on the other hand was in heaven. I swear that kid will eat anything. He was slurping down sweet tea like it was heaven. He was begging his dad for beans (Those have to be rationed because they make for awful messy diapers, per the dad.) and I had also made some noodles for my finicky brats, but the baby was totally enthralled by the noodles. He was slurping those like worms, throwing them on his head, throwing on my son's head, making mustaches out of them, feeding them to the dogs... (The dogs were in heaven too, to find a new "feed me at the table" source!) The baby was just too cute!!
I just love the nieghbor's kids. They are so cool for kids. I think it must be because their parents have tons of patience and take them everywhere they go. I rarely ever hear the mom "snap" (which is something that I am prone to.) and she is always on top of their behavior. So that makes for well behaved kids. Now they do have their moments, but they are few and far between.
I think these little monster's are my training pants for when I have grandkids. I just love them, the come over and entertain me, and when they get on my last nerve, I just open the door and say, "Is that your mom calling? Must be time for you to go home!"
Friday, May 13, 2005
TGIF .. and keep the change
TGIF - When I was a kid, my mom has a pack a day - box of matches. (so classy..) Wednesday said something like "hump day". Saturday said "Bath Day" and Friday said "TGIF". I used to get the Friday packs and study them for dear life.
What does it mean? What does T-G-I-F stand for? Is this some sort of secret grown up code for something? Could it mean There's Ghosts In Fridge?
Hey I never claimed to be smart!!
Now, I know only too well what TGIF means. It's Friday, the day I live for, the day that I go to bed early so that I can sleep late on Saturday. The day that begins me weekly mini vacation!!
Damn, I need to simmer down, it's only a Friday, not like a national holiday or anything. Whew!
Yesterday I barfed. Now for those that know me well, I am not a barfer. I (unfortunately) retain every morsel that passes my lips. (Usually on my hips!) but I went out to lunch yesterday with a co-worker, had a marvelous feast of Pizza Hut Pizza Bar and salad. Got up to pay, and..... felt it all coming up! Yep, barely made it to the restroom. I felt somewhat better afterwards, and prided myself on becoming a instant bullemic. I actually felt quite slim for the rest of the day.
So by the time I get home from work, I am in a near panic to eat. I was so freaking hungry,,, that I could have eaten the "crotch outta a ragdoll" "the balls of a bear", "the ass of a orangutan",,, well you get the picture. (sorry for being so gross - but these quotes that I hear often from my redneck circle of friends.)
So my lovely hubby has made Lasagna. IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! Ofcourse even though he called to see what time I was coming home from work, so he could have it on the table when I got home... it still wasn't ready when I got home. I was practically hopping to eat. When I finally get to eat, IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! really it was good! So even though I was felling queasy, I had a second helping. Then, even though I couldn't possibly eat another bite..I had a third serving.. Yep, I am a piglet!!
The rest of the night I WAS SO FREAKING SICK!!! to my stomach, AND COULDN'T BARF!! So much for my new found bullemia..
Seriously though, how could someone be bullemic? Crap.. is throwing up fun? Having to clean the toilet off, afterwards a joy! walking around with the taste of barf in your mouth all day orgasmic? I just don't get it. I hate throwing up worse than labor. Might be why have so many damn kids..
Ok - here is my "How not to get a woman to fall in bed with you" hint of the day:
When your woman walks in the door from work, dropping kid off at dance, running to the grocery store, and picking up kid from dance, while you ain't doing nothing at all- and is putting away groceries that YOU did not help carry in, and she has to pee like a racehorse. You must insist that she drop everything, and I do mean everything, to help you move the stupid entertainment center so that you can check the damn cable box of the retarded TV that you ain't even watching. And whatever you do, DO NOT OFFER TO HELP HER PUT AWAY THE GROCERIES even if she tells you that she will help you once the groceries are put away and it will go faster if you help!
This move will work every time you want a women NOT to fall in to bed with you!!
What does it mean? What does T-G-I-F stand for? Is this some sort of secret grown up code for something? Could it mean There's Ghosts In Fridge?
Hey I never claimed to be smart!!
Now, I know only too well what TGIF means. It's Friday, the day I live for, the day that I go to bed early so that I can sleep late on Saturday. The day that begins me weekly mini vacation!!
Damn, I need to simmer down, it's only a Friday, not like a national holiday or anything. Whew!
Yesterday I barfed. Now for those that know me well, I am not a barfer. I (unfortunately) retain every morsel that passes my lips. (Usually on my hips!) but I went out to lunch yesterday with a co-worker, had a marvelous feast of Pizza Hut Pizza Bar and salad. Got up to pay, and..... felt it all coming up! Yep, barely made it to the restroom. I felt somewhat better afterwards, and prided myself on becoming a instant bullemic. I actually felt quite slim for the rest of the day.
So by the time I get home from work, I am in a near panic to eat. I was so freaking hungry,,, that I could have eaten the "crotch outta a ragdoll" "the balls of a bear", "the ass of a orangutan",,, well you get the picture. (sorry for being so gross - but these quotes that I hear often from my redneck circle of friends.)
So my lovely hubby has made Lasagna. IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! Ofcourse even though he called to see what time I was coming home from work, so he could have it on the table when I got home... it still wasn't ready when I got home. I was practically hopping to eat. When I finally get to eat, IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! really it was good! So even though I was felling queasy, I had a second helping. Then, even though I couldn't possibly eat another bite..I had a third serving.. Yep, I am a piglet!!
The rest of the night I WAS SO FREAKING SICK!!! to my stomach, AND COULDN'T BARF!! So much for my new found bullemia..
Seriously though, how could someone be bullemic? Crap.. is throwing up fun? Having to clean the toilet off, afterwards a joy! walking around with the taste of barf in your mouth all day orgasmic? I just don't get it. I hate throwing up worse than labor. Might be why have so many damn kids..
Ok - here is my "How not to get a woman to fall in bed with you" hint of the day:
When your woman walks in the door from work, dropping kid off at dance, running to the grocery store, and picking up kid from dance, while you ain't doing nothing at all- and is putting away groceries that YOU did not help carry in, and she has to pee like a racehorse. You must insist that she drop everything, and I do mean everything, to help you move the stupid entertainment center so that you can check the damn cable box of the retarded TV that you ain't even watching. And whatever you do, DO NOT OFFER TO HELP HER PUT AWAY THE GROCERIES even if she tells you that she will help you once the groceries are put away and it will go faster if you help!
This move will work every time you want a women NOT to fall in to bed with you!!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
And while I am whing about my hubby, my daughter sent this...
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat.
85% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Men!! Can't live with 'em, ain't allowed to kill 'em
My dearest hubby is on break from college. (Will this darn man ever graduate?!?) So he is under the impression that although I get up at the crack of dawn, and disappear all day, that I must not be doing anything, therefore I must wait on him hand and foot, whilst he sits atop his throne and orders me about!! Men are useless..
Sunday, (MOTHER'S DAY!!!) I assembly EVERYTHING needed for the trip to the amusement park. (Food, towels, extra clothes, lawn chairs, kids...) feed the animals, pack the freaking van,etc.. etc.. while he lounges in bed.. Only after everything is packed does he get up and take a long and leisurely shower. Then after the entire family waits in the drive for 15 minutes, out he comes fresh as a daisy!!
Monday, I go to work. He calls me 4 freaking times, BEFORE 9AM!!! because he can't find something (his ass, probably!!) then calls to say, "Nevermind, I found it!". Ofcourse, because I work, I am busy and can't answer the phone. so I call him back and he says, "Where were you?" I swear if I wasn't 40 miles away, I would have just smacked him!! So Monday progresses, and I get home from work. Is dinner ready, I ask you? Heck no!!! He took the car to the mechanic and HUNG OUT AND TALKED TO THE GUY ALL DAY!! Cause that's what my husband does, he doesn't drop anything off to be repaired and then comes back... HECK NO!!! He just hangs out and talks your ears off, while you fix what he brought to you. Does he trust me to have it repaired? A mere woman?!? Heck No!! So I get home, throw dinner together and then have to listen to him whine about how hard his day was.
Later that night he gets in the bed and starts whining about how he needs me to bring him up a bowl of ice cream. OK, no problem. between making sure teeth are brushed, doing laundry, cleaning up the damn dinner dishes from the dinner that I COOKED, AFTER I GOT HOME FROM WORKING ALL DAY, picking up kid from work, feeding animals, chasing down and putting animals in for night, locking up, turning off the 1 million lights all over the house that you and the kids left on, I will be more than happy to get your lazy butt some DARN ICECREAM!!!!
So ofcourse I forgot the ice cream. Does he just let it go?!?!? Heck NO!! He starts with the "You forgot my icecream, WAH!! That's OK. I do stuff all the time for you!, But don't worry about it, that's quite OK, I'll just lay here...hint hint hint!" So instead of hearing his wanking for the next 8 hours, I go get the damn ice cream!!
Tuesday - He takes the other 2 cars for tires. (Yep, I could have just dropped them off, but remember "I'm just a woman!) So he must research every freaking site within a 1,000 mile radious of our house on the internet, to make sure the he's getting the best deal. (Darn!! These things are a dime cheaper per tire in ALA? That's almost a whole dollar!) But aleast he did cook dinner, so I will give him that. Even though he tried to substitute collards for spianch in the dish. (It was yuk!) Ofcourse I told him it was delicious, so that I wouldn't have to hear about how he "slaved" in the kitchen and I didn't appreciate it. Guess who cleared the table? Yep, me..
Then he made me watch "Ole Yeller"with him and the little one! "OLE YELLER" hurls!! It was just as bad this time as the other 7 million times I watched it every freaking Sunday night of my life growing up!!!
So today is Wednesday, he says that he is doing yard work. What he is doing I have no clue. Looks like he has about $200 worth of chemicals to throw out on the yard. We really don't have grass, in the back. It's all weeds, and overgrowth. Our front yard is about the size of my ass, and it looks fine to me. I am sure that this "yard work" (or using the riding mower with his toy hooked to the back to throw out the fertilizer) will take all day, therefore I will need to cook dinner.
It's be nice if he helped with house work, but he has no freaking idea where we even keep the vacuum cleaner, or the mop (even though he passes by it EVERY time he goes out into the garage to worship his mower!)
Do I sound a little bitter? A little jealous that he's on vacation and I'm not? Maybe I need to be medicated.. Or euthanized? Maybe I'm getting my period? Yep, that must be it.
My sister-in-law (married to my brother) was recently telling me how she gets prescription drugs from her doctor. She said to just say to the doctor, "I want to saw my husband's head off, do you have anything to stop that?" Yea, maybe I need to talk to the doctor.. haha
Seriously, I do love my husband and I am the reason he is so aggravating. I think that I marry a man and then set about making him helpless the minute I say, "I do!" so it's all my own fault.
And I wouldn't change anything about him for the world!!
Sunday, (MOTHER'S DAY!!!) I assembly EVERYTHING needed for the trip to the amusement park. (Food, towels, extra clothes, lawn chairs, kids...) feed the animals, pack the freaking van,etc.. etc.. while he lounges in bed.. Only after everything is packed does he get up and take a long and leisurely shower. Then after the entire family waits in the drive for 15 minutes, out he comes fresh as a daisy!!
Monday, I go to work. He calls me 4 freaking times, BEFORE 9AM!!! because he can't find something (his ass, probably!!) then calls to say, "Nevermind, I found it!". Ofcourse, because I work, I am busy and can't answer the phone. so I call him back and he says, "Where were you?" I swear if I wasn't 40 miles away, I would have just smacked him!! So Monday progresses, and I get home from work. Is dinner ready, I ask you? Heck no!!! He took the car to the mechanic and HUNG OUT AND TALKED TO THE GUY ALL DAY!! Cause that's what my husband does, he doesn't drop anything off to be repaired and then comes back... HECK NO!!! He just hangs out and talks your ears off, while you fix what he brought to you. Does he trust me to have it repaired? A mere woman?!? Heck No!! So I get home, throw dinner together and then have to listen to him whine about how hard his day was.
Later that night he gets in the bed and starts whining about how he needs me to bring him up a bowl of ice cream. OK, no problem. between making sure teeth are brushed, doing laundry, cleaning up the damn dinner dishes from the dinner that I COOKED, AFTER I GOT HOME FROM WORKING ALL DAY, picking up kid from work, feeding animals, chasing down and putting animals in for night, locking up, turning off the 1 million lights all over the house that you and the kids left on, I will be more than happy to get your lazy butt some DARN ICECREAM!!!!
So ofcourse I forgot the ice cream. Does he just let it go?!?!? Heck NO!! He starts with the "You forgot my icecream, WAH!! That's OK. I do stuff all the time for you!, But don't worry about it, that's quite OK, I'll just lay here...hint hint hint!" So instead of hearing his wanking for the next 8 hours, I go get the damn ice cream!!
Tuesday - He takes the other 2 cars for tires. (Yep, I could have just dropped them off, but remember "I'm just a woman!) So he must research every freaking site within a 1,000 mile radious of our house on the internet, to make sure the he's getting the best deal. (Darn!! These things are a dime cheaper per tire in ALA? That's almost a whole dollar!) But aleast he did cook dinner, so I will give him that. Even though he tried to substitute collards for spianch in the dish. (It was yuk!) Ofcourse I told him it was delicious, so that I wouldn't have to hear about how he "slaved" in the kitchen and I didn't appreciate it. Guess who cleared the table? Yep, me..
Then he made me watch "Ole Yeller"with him and the little one! "OLE YELLER" hurls!! It was just as bad this time as the other 7 million times I watched it every freaking Sunday night of my life growing up!!!
So today is Wednesday, he says that he is doing yard work. What he is doing I have no clue. Looks like he has about $200 worth of chemicals to throw out on the yard. We really don't have grass, in the back. It's all weeds, and overgrowth. Our front yard is about the size of my ass, and it looks fine to me. I am sure that this "yard work" (or using the riding mower with his toy hooked to the back to throw out the fertilizer) will take all day, therefore I will need to cook dinner.
It's be nice if he helped with house work, but he has no freaking idea where we even keep the vacuum cleaner, or the mop (even though he passes by it EVERY time he goes out into the garage to worship his mower!)
Do I sound a little bitter? A little jealous that he's on vacation and I'm not? Maybe I need to be medicated.. Or euthanized? Maybe I'm getting my period? Yep, that must be it.
My sister-in-law (married to my brother) was recently telling me how she gets prescription drugs from her doctor. She said to just say to the doctor, "I want to saw my husband's head off, do you have anything to stop that?" Yea, maybe I need to talk to the doctor.. haha
Seriously, I do love my husband and I am the reason he is so aggravating. I think that I marry a man and then set about making him helpless the minute I say, "I do!" so it's all my own fault.
And I wouldn't change anything about him for the world!!
Monday, May 09, 2005
Ice Cream Headache...
Sometimes, you just play like you're rich!! So this morning to celebrate that my co-worker's back from vacation (yep, I live for the little moments..) I went down stairs to our "Psuedo Starbuck's" and got me a strawberry smoothie for an amzing $3 dollas. *Yep, I said Dollas on purpose, so bite me, already you spell checker nazis.)
So anywho, I have been sucking on this silly thing like a porn queen, and I can't get the darn thing up thru the straw. Damn, I really wanted a ice cream headache. (Strange I know. but I like that feeling.) I can't stir that stupid thing, because it's so thick the straw just wobbles around, and bends. DARNIT, DANGIT!!!
This silly thing cost me a arm and a leg, and now I have to sit here and watch it melt before I can even drink it!!! I COST ME $3 WHOLE DOLLAS, I WANT TO DRINK IT NOW!!!! If you get what you pay forn, then I should've gotten a massage with this silly thing..
Man, I should have had some coffee this morning........
So anywho, I have been sucking on this silly thing like a porn queen, and I can't get the darn thing up thru the straw. Damn, I really wanted a ice cream headache. (Strange I know. but I like that feeling.) I can't stir that stupid thing, because it's so thick the straw just wobbles around, and bends. DARNIT, DANGIT!!!
This silly thing cost me a arm and a leg, and now I have to sit here and watch it melt before I can even drink it!!! I COST ME $3 WHOLE DOLLAS, I WANT TO DRINK IT NOW!!!! If you get what you pay forn, then I should've gotten a massage with this silly thing..
Man, I should have had some coffee this morning........
Friday, May 06, 2005
Welcome to Mother's Day!!
So this weekend is Mother's Day, and like all good redneck moms. I will be taking the kids to the annual MOTHERS DAY AT 6 FLAGS weekend. Yippie..
I actually dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.. I look forward to having the family together, going with the neighbors and hanging out, enjoying their sweet little kids, riding the rides, not waiting in long lines, and the beautiful weather.
But, I really dread, having to get up early on the one day that I could have pulled the "sleeping real late" excuse, packing the cooler, packing the car-while my darling husband is mysteriously MIA during the packing, organizing extra outfits and shoes-just in case (you never know!) hunting down sunscreen, showing my fat white legs in shorts to half the world, listening to kids whining about walking, being tired, being hot, being thirsty, being too short to ride certain riders, too scared to ride other rides, etc..
But then when the day is over, and we're back at home all happy and sunburned, I think, "What a great day, I can't wait til next year.."
On an other note... I took the girls to Target last night to pick out some cards and whatnot, and the little one saw my boy manning the cash register (He's so HANDSOME in the red shirt and khakis!!) she was thrilled to death!! So she stood behind him at his register and made silly faces while he tried to look all "hey I'm cool and business like". Instead of thumping her on the head or threatening her with razzberry boogers, he started talking to her. They talked about what they got me for Mother's Day.
A little while later she comes running over to me saying, "Na na na na, I know what he got you for Mother's Day, and I ain't telling."
So like any good mother, I told her that I would beat it out of her later. She was just so thrilled that big brother acknowledged her in public and was actually nice and cool to her.
I was so thrilled also. . . I live for moments when my kids show each other love.
I actually dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.. I look forward to having the family together, going with the neighbors and hanging out, enjoying their sweet little kids, riding the rides, not waiting in long lines, and the beautiful weather.
But, I really dread, having to get up early on the one day that I could have pulled the "sleeping real late" excuse, packing the cooler, packing the car-while my darling husband is mysteriously MIA during the packing, organizing extra outfits and shoes-just in case (you never know!) hunting down sunscreen, showing my fat white legs in shorts to half the world, listening to kids whining about walking, being tired, being hot, being thirsty, being too short to ride certain riders, too scared to ride other rides, etc..
But then when the day is over, and we're back at home all happy and sunburned, I think, "What a great day, I can't wait til next year.."
On an other note... I took the girls to Target last night to pick out some cards and whatnot, and the little one saw my boy manning the cash register (He's so HANDSOME in the red shirt and khakis!!) she was thrilled to death!! So she stood behind him at his register and made silly faces while he tried to look all "hey I'm cool and business like". Instead of thumping her on the head or threatening her with razzberry boogers, he started talking to her. They talked about what they got me for Mother's Day.
A little while later she comes running over to me saying, "Na na na na, I know what he got you for Mother's Day, and I ain't telling."
So like any good mother, I told her that I would beat it out of her later. She was just so thrilled that big brother acknowledged her in public and was actually nice and cool to her.
I was so thrilled also. . . I live for moments when my kids show each other love.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me!!!
I was wrong... and I just can't live without you!!
I miss the 80's so badly.
Where else can you....
proudly wear leggings!
wear a old holey T-shirt and look like a Flash Dancer.
get your hair permed until it's absolutely fried and say, "I meant it to turn out that way!"
wear jeans that are so tight, you have to lay down on the bed, and use a fork to zip them up.
wear a pair of jeans from K-Mart that has a Willie Nelson slogan on that back pocket.
give a guy a hickey and not be accused of being a slut.
wear really dark blue eye shadow and not be accused of being a crack ho.
wear a mullet proudly.
sport a rat tail.
smoke a cig...ANY WHERE you want!!
wear a huge belt and cowboy boots and not look like a Texan
wear huge shoulder pads (SOO slimming!)
wear lots of ruffles
rock out to heavy metal bands without shame!
ahhh the good old days....
I miss the 80's so badly.
Where else can you....
proudly wear leggings!
wear a old holey T-shirt and look like a Flash Dancer.
get your hair permed until it's absolutely fried and say, "I meant it to turn out that way!"
wear jeans that are so tight, you have to lay down on the bed, and use a fork to zip them up.
wear a pair of jeans from K-Mart that has a Willie Nelson slogan on that back pocket.
give a guy a hickey and not be accused of being a slut.
wear really dark blue eye shadow and not be accused of being a crack ho.
wear a mullet proudly.
sport a rat tail.
smoke a cig...ANY WHERE you want!!
wear a huge belt and cowboy boots and not look like a Texan
wear huge shoulder pads (SOO slimming!)
wear lots of ruffles
rock out to heavy metal bands without shame!
ahhh the good old days....
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Some people really suck!
So I see my neighbor out pushing a stroller the other day. Since she doesn't have a kid small enough to fit in the stroller, AND i know that's she's been looking to foster-to-adopt a kid, (and I think maybe she might have kidnapped a kid - and there's a reward for me to find it..) I go out and do the neighborly and nosey thing. I go out and - check out the new baby!!
So we are out in the cul-de-sac, and she has the cutest little kid out there, laying in the stroller. Sure enough, she's fostering the little dollbaby. The baby is only 3 months old, and is laying out in the stroller just being a perfect little angel.
Then she whips back the blanket to reveal that cutey-pie is sporting a body cast from his upper chest to his toes!. So being the clueless one that I am, I say, "What's up with that, is it pigeon-toed, got bow-legs?"
"No", she says, "he actually has 3 broken bones in his legs."
Seems he was dropped off at the hospital with this injury and another injury that happens when you slap a baby really hard in the face. When the hospital started asking questions, the people who brought her/him to the hospital simply faded away.
How is it that this happens!! I find it awful that we dedicate so much news time to some ditz who runs away from home 4 days before her wedding, but we have little babies in this same city who are being abused to the edge of death, and we never hear about it? I am sure that is this poor baby had dies from the injuries, we might have heard a 30 second news blurp on what happened, or read about it on page 14 of the news paper! But crap! let the kid grow up and run off to Vegas for the weekend and WHOA STOP THE PRESSES!!
Amazing! In this last year, I have seen a baby born so addicted to herion, that it was on methadone every 2 hours for months, while the stupid mother claimed it was only gas. I met a toddler that was "seized" during a drug bust, that baby later tested positive for drugs. I know a kid who almost died of starvation while his mom hung out at the Waffle House trying to turn tricks so that she could get a hotel room to get her child out of the winter weather.
Did we read about any of this on the news? No we didn't. We were too busy with the "Runaway Bride"!
So we are out in the cul-de-sac, and she has the cutest little kid out there, laying in the stroller. Sure enough, she's fostering the little dollbaby. The baby is only 3 months old, and is laying out in the stroller just being a perfect little angel.
Then she whips back the blanket to reveal that cutey-pie is sporting a body cast from his upper chest to his toes!. So being the clueless one that I am, I say, "What's up with that, is it pigeon-toed, got bow-legs?"
"No", she says, "he actually has 3 broken bones in his legs."
Seems he was dropped off at the hospital with this injury and another injury that happens when you slap a baby really hard in the face. When the hospital started asking questions, the people who brought her/him to the hospital simply faded away.
How is it that this happens!! I find it awful that we dedicate so much news time to some ditz who runs away from home 4 days before her wedding, but we have little babies in this same city who are being abused to the edge of death, and we never hear about it? I am sure that is this poor baby had dies from the injuries, we might have heard a 30 second news blurp on what happened, or read about it on page 14 of the news paper! But crap! let the kid grow up and run off to Vegas for the weekend and WHOA STOP THE PRESSES!!
Amazing! In this last year, I have seen a baby born so addicted to herion, that it was on methadone every 2 hours for months, while the stupid mother claimed it was only gas. I met a toddler that was "seized" during a drug bust, that baby later tested positive for drugs. I know a kid who almost died of starvation while his mom hung out at the Waffle House trying to turn tricks so that she could get a hotel room to get her child out of the winter weather.
Did we read about any of this on the news? No we didn't. We were too busy with the "Runaway Bride"!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Isn't it ironic....don't ya think?
Isn't it ironic - that since our Oil Rich Texan president (that I voted for) has been in office, that gas prices have risen by 50% ??
Isn't it ironic - that the price of eggs has not?
Isn't it ironic - that we're always on a damn diet, and America is fatter than ever?
Isn't it ironic - that some poor girl in Atlanta disappears 4 days before her wedding AND 600 people have RSVP'd? (Honey - I hope they find you safe and sound somewhere.)
Isn't it ironic - That a highschool in Boston is censoring music at an upcoming prom, but no one is addressing the fact that probably half the girls will show up at the prom dressed like porn stars?
Isn't it ironic - that Brad Pitt dumped Gwynth for "earthy girl" Jenn, then dumped Jenn for "nasty girl" Angelina? What's next Brad? Roseanne?
Isn't it ironic - that people in Clayton county GA are flipping out because some poor girl got murdered at a birthday party and are blaming it on school violence? (Don't ya think it might have been something to do with the fact that there were 250 un-supervised teenagers at the party - which was held at someone's home?)
Isn't it ironic - that it's Friday and because I work, I have 2 days worth of laundry, housecleaning and grocery shopping to get done?
Isn't it ironic??
Isn't it ironic - that the price of eggs has not?
Isn't it ironic - that we're always on a damn diet, and America is fatter than ever?
Isn't it ironic - that some poor girl in Atlanta disappears 4 days before her wedding AND 600 people have RSVP'd? (Honey - I hope they find you safe and sound somewhere.)
Isn't it ironic - That a highschool in Boston is censoring music at an upcoming prom, but no one is addressing the fact that probably half the girls will show up at the prom dressed like porn stars?
Isn't it ironic - that Brad Pitt dumped Gwynth for "earthy girl" Jenn, then dumped Jenn for "nasty girl" Angelina? What's next Brad? Roseanne?
Isn't it ironic - that people in Clayton county GA are flipping out because some poor girl got murdered at a birthday party and are blaming it on school violence? (Don't ya think it might have been something to do with the fact that there were 250 un-supervised teenagers at the party - which was held at someone's home?)
Isn't it ironic - that it's Friday and because I work, I have 2 days worth of laundry, housecleaning and grocery shopping to get done?
Isn't it ironic??
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)