My best friend from grade school sent me a birthday card. It was late. So I waited FOREVER to call her back and thank her. (Late for Late, I suck..I’m vindictive. Who cares.) She’s so cool. I miss her.
I met her in 8th grade, she taught me to love the Stones, and feather my bangs. I used to go over to her house in the village and spend the night. She was the coolest eva! Her mom had let her watch the Exorcist, so she and I would shake her little sister’s bed, to scare the hell out of her. (My mom wouldn’t let me watch it, 25 years later when I did watch it, I found out why, Day-um!!!) Me and the Flash used to lip synch Blondie’s songs into a hairbrush.
Flash taught me, it's ok to skip out on homeroom and sneak down to the store for a candy run! Taught me to tormet our poor cat-lovin, 'I AM TOTALLY A STRAIGHT MALE' teacher Mr. Perry to death with out even saying a word.. Sorry Mr. Perry, I was just practicing my future fliration moves on you, didn't mean to make you have a near nervous breakdown that year...
Flash introduced me to her older hot brother’s picture and he became my 1st man-crush. (He was grown and in the army, so I only met his picture. He had a Freddie Mercury moustache…..so rocking hot in the 70’s.) Flash helped me to sew up the bellbottom legs on all our jeans so that they would be fashionably skin tight. We were the shit!!
She also didn’t mind that I was uber-obsessed with her “mama-boy’s” neighbor and would spend hours and hours with me walking up and down her neighborhood streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he drove his big ole puke green T-bird to his job…..at the funeral home. (I still love you Bud!!! Ha ha..) Yea, we never hooked up, I was only in 8th, and he was much too old for me.
Flash didn’t mind taking the left-overs when we double dated with her sister. (Who went on to become MUCH more cool and braver than we ever were. Nicely done, Jenny smoking pot in the girls bathroom in middle school, and calling in bomb threats to school when you wanted to lay out. You TOTALLY rocked back then!) Even though Flash took the ‘leavins’, he still was the hottest boy on our triple date. She went on to marry him, discover he was a worthless no account wife beating hillbilly, and divorce his sorry ass, pronto. Good Job, Flash, don’t take no shit off no man!
Flash gave me the courage to sneak out of my bedroom window at night to meet boys, then helped my haul my fat ass back in just as my mother was opening the door to ground me within an inch of my life, then laughed hysterical when Mom shut the door, thus making me laugh hysterically although my entire life was flashing before my eyes right then...
Years later, Flash sat with me in the football stands while we watched the daughter I had just re-met (after giving her up for adoption 18 years earlier) graduate from highschool and begin her life as an adult. She was the rock that I needed that day, as I sat on the sidelines of the next phase of my beloved's wonderful life.
Flash was the girl I took to NYC with me. What a fun WEEK!!! NYC didn’t know what the hell hit them when she blew into town. Dropping her honey-childs, ya’ll, and I DECLARE’s all over town. Charming men all over the city!!!
Talking to the Flash brings back all those wonderful memories, back when I was skinny, had long beautiful hair with perfectly manicured feathered bangs, and no stretch marks.
Can’t wait to see her again. As I have grown old and fat over the years, the Flash hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still rocking hot, single, loving life and listening the the Stones. (You be-oitch!)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Varsity and why my husband needs to be killt.
I am a good wife, and a true Southern Girl, therefore after many years of marital bliss, I tried to introduce my husband to 'The Varsity". And you know what that lily livered, yellow bellied, carpet-bagging yankee had to say about the Varsity?
"Ahhh, it's not that great." NOT.THAT.GREAT!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! It's better that great! It's a damn southern tradition. It's the damn secret weapon that could have won the war of agression....if only they'd thought of it 100 yrs early.
I can see it now, Sherman comes riding into Atlanta, all crazy eyed, with his half million desperately hungry troops. Riding into Atlanta to ravish all the women, and looking to start a fire, so that they can get them some grub. And there on corner of Northside and what ever street stands The Varsity!! As Sherman pulls into the parking lot with the troops, trying to decide what to burn down next, out runs 20 car hops, with their red coats flapping, paper hats flapping in the breeze, and their pads out ready to write, screaming, "Whaddayahave Waddayahave?
After getting thier fill of de-li-cious chili dogs, and onion rings, and Hey! add a Big ol Varsity Orange to that while you're at it!! All Sherman and his men would want to do is just lie around rubbing their big fat tummies.... or looking for a bathroom, cause damn! them chili dogs work quicker that Milk O Mag!!!
Anyway, back to MY STORY, the husband is NOT WORTHY, and will have to do some big time grovelling to get back into the Queen's good graces after his little snub of my favorite-ist place to eat.
He did wear the sexy paper hat though so everyone would know he was a virgin. That WAS kinda cute, and sweet of him.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
All is well.........
The house is quiet and no one's home but me... Ofcourse, I should have my fat butt at the gym, that I am paying for and not attending, but what the hey..
I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....
But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..
Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!
Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:
On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!
It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!
But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.
I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....
But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..
Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!
Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:
On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!
It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!
But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
The ALLI Chronicles (part V of IV) You thought that was the end?
OK, no chitting you! This is the last posting that I posted about ALLI on the other website that I 2-time with... Here's the last of all the ALLI drama...
My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.
So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.
As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."
So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)
Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.
Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!
Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...
Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!
BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.
My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.
So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.
As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."
So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)
Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.
Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!
Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...
Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!
BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
I heart the Palin's!!
I have had a little trouble since I've found out that I can't wear contacts fulltime, and have had to resort to wearing sensible glasses. My heart has been broken ever since. (As if every time I look in the mirror and see a middle aged woman staring back at me instead of the hot MILF that I used to be with the contacts in).
So imagine my overwhelming joy when McCain announced the he has chosen Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, former Beauty Queen, Mother of 5, Total Hot Babe and WEARS SENSIBLE GLASSES, as his choice of Vice President of the United States of America!!! (Cue up the marching bands here, and release the tickertape and patriotic balloons.)
Check out that HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, that's not really him, but it sure looks ALOT like him!
OK, I am praying this ones a photoshop, it's just too wrong to wear a bathing suit like that when you're in the Oval Office. (Or should we call it the Ovary Office!)
So imagine my overwhelming joy when McCain announced the he has chosen Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, former Beauty Queen, Mother of 5, Total Hot Babe and WEARS SENSIBLE GLASSES, as his choice of Vice President of the United States of America!!! (Cue up the marching bands here, and release the tickertape and patriotic balloons.)
Check out that HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Sarah for fullfilling my husband's 'Hot Librarian" 
fantasies and making me see it's sexy to wear glasses too (and be in charge!)
fantasies and making me see it's sexy to wear glasses too (and be in charge!)But sexy isn't the only thing that Palin's got going for her. Oh no! She multi-talented! In addition to being governor, and raising unruly children, she's also managed to snag a totally rocking hot guy. (Who totally doesn't mind being married to the most powerful guy (er girl) in the entire state of Alaska!
Folks, I give you Mr. Palin!!
OK, that's not really him, but it sure looks ALOT like him!
Total Yumness!! and very absorbent too!!
Although future VP Palin got her start on the beauty pagent circuit (Who knew all those bullcheese speeches about world peace and love would ever be realized!) she really proved that she's the right man (er I mean girl) for the job!
(In this picture she's saying, "I love you all, now pay your damn taxes!)
It's so good to know that in times of like these (aka severe ecomonomic depression, high inflation, and rising unemployment) we can rely onVP Palin to do her part to boost the economy!
She can:
Kill her own meat WHILE entertaining the kids!!
(Hey Guys, it's called MULTI-TASKING!! Ya'll should try it!!
Fish for healthy meal ideals!! While ridding the ocean of ugly fish who might scare off the whales and baby seals!!
And distract the enemy...
(then shoot 'em right between the eyes!!)
(then shoot 'em right between the eyes!!)OK, I am praying this ones a photoshop, it's just too wrong to wear a bathing suit like that when you're in the Oval Office. (Or should we call it the Ovary Office!)
Here's Hilary's reaction when she heard the Sarah Palin was going to be the vice President AND had a hot body!!
(She's saying, "This is YOUR fault Obama!!")
So, in conclusion, I just like you all to know my opinion of the New Vice President (in waiting) of the Unites States of America!!!
Last of the ALLI Chronicle (part IV)..aren't you getting tired of all that crap anyway?
On another note... I just called and asked for 2 apps to run in some races. I promised my kid (The Fabuluous Lana) that I would run in the Peachtree with her next summer. Might as well try to kill myself before then, by doing some 'practice (Death Marches) runs.
On to the ALLI!
Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.
Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.
So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...
Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
ALLI: No.
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
ALLI: No.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?
So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.
Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!
And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)
When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...
Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
ALLI: No.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?
So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....
About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!
ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI Q&A:
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.
Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?
On to the ALLI!
Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.
Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.
So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...
Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
ALLI: No.
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
ALLI: No.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?
So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.
Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!
And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)
When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...
Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
ALLI: No.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?
So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....
About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!
ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI Q&A:
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.
Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
The ALLI Chronicles (Part III)
Before I get started with all the sheeze, let me say that my littlest kid has her 12th BD Party. Know what? 12 yr old boys are HAWT! when they aren't kin to you. (kidding)
Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.
Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)
Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!
Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.
Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.
So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!
Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...
It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.
It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.
So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.
ALLI: No.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!
So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.
She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."
So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.
ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?
Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!
So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:
QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?
My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.
QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?
My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.
Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.
I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....
So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!
Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!
Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.
Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)
Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!
Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.
Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.
So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!
Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...
It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.
It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.
So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.
ALLI: No.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!
So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.
She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."
So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.
ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?
Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!
So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:
QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?
My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.
QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?
My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.
Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.
I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....
So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!
Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I found that I wrote this in my comments box.
Dear Anonymous,
In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance naked....in heels.
Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!
As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.
And thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, my penis works fine, thanks for asking. Er...Nope, car insurance is already covered, but thanks for looking out for me.
One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back.
Have a nice day.
In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance naked....in heels.
Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!
As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.
And thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, my penis works fine, thanks for asking. Er...Nope, car insurance is already covered, but thanks for looking out for me.
One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back.
Have a nice day.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Public Service Announcement for Men
Maybe it was the crazy dude in the rusted a-- Ford van on I-285 that nearly rear-ended me with an evil laugh and a gleam in his eye, while refusing to let my gurl in the Saab merge in front of him, (Dude, how-d you like it when I looked back, and motioned for her to get IN FRONT of me, you bout swallowed your 'chaw, didn't you?) or maybe it happened way back when my Dad ran off and left my mom, with 2 little children, and a newborn, in a strange town, after emptying our bank account, in the middle of the night... at CHRISTMAS, I just don't know when it started, but I am about over the way SOME 'men' behave...So Gentleman, our behalf of ALL the women in the world...I'd like to give you a little public service annoucement..
Yes, we ARE women, but we are also LADIES. Therefore, yes, we do expect you to allow us to merge in front of your in traffic when the damn merge lane ends. We also expect You, Mr. Man to open the door for us when we are walking into a building with you and our arms are full. We expect you to get your a-- up and give us your seat when we get on the bus/train, and you see that we are elderly, or have our hands full of children, groceries, whatev. We also expect you to hold the elevator for us, when you are standing inside it and see us running to make it, instead of frantically pushing the buttons to close the doors in our faces.
At home, we (the women of the world)do expect you to PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT. If the seat was suppose to be left up, it wouldn't have hinges. Face it, it was created for a purpose. When the trash is full, yes we DO expect that you will take it out, and when the yard gets knee-high in grass, and we can't find the children, we DO expect that YOU will mow it, not us. And another thing, girls don't know chit about cars, ok? So when our tires are ABSOLUTELY bald and swerving all over the road as we take your heirs to soccer/ballet/football/cheerleading practice, or the fricking car is smoking, and overheating so badly that the polar ice caps are melting, after we told you three months ago that something is wrong, AND YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT, please don't feel the overwhelming need to wank about all the money we threw away at the mechanic's and how they ripped us off 'cause 'we're just girls', ok?
Further more, as you are slaving away at your job all day, in addition to being expected to remember to put the damn seat down, and allowing us to merge in traffic IN FRONT, not behind you in traffic, and holding the elevator for us (It's alot of burden on you, we almost understand...) Please don't accuse us of sitting on the couch all day watch soaps and eating Bons Bons just becauase some of us don't work. Just in case you were wondering what we do ALL DAY? We are packing your lunch, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, trying to stretch your all mighty dollar so that we can afford ALL the wonderful THINGS that YOU buy for us, cause 'OH WORSHIP ME, I WORK, YOU DON"T', raising your kids, making sure they don't kill eachother and set YOUR house on fire, trucking them all over God's green earth, cooking your dinner, and YES, most of us are doing all this AND also having to work, just like you. And guess what? Unlike the girls on "Sex in the City", our jobs don't involve setting in nice restaurants all day, drinking martinis and gossiping about men, that only happens on TV, ok? So please don't feel the need to comment on 'How easy we have it at our job" mmmk?
Now we know that you are so put upon because sometimes, 'HOW DARE US', we have asked you to help with some of the above tasks, after we get off work. Or maybe sometimes we ARE actually tired after doing ALL the above, and ask for a pass in the bedroom. It don't mean we don't love you, it also don't mean that we're having an affair either, OK? I mean, hey, it's almost like when YOU are too tired to talk when we need to talk, or deal with the kids, so you SO SWEETLY leave us to deal with that, while you go relax. Maybe had you honored your damn commitment to 'love and chreish us, and take care of our needs like you promised in front of our parents and all those people years ago, maybe we wouldn't have to work and could complete ALL our responsibilites, in addition to jumping your bones everynight of the week!
Oh, and BTW, your farts ... NOT amusing. They DO stink, and burping at the table IS NOT a sign of appreciation for our cooking.
Please remember, not only are we your wives, we are also your mothers, sisters and daughters. We have the one thing that YOU really want (I mean, Hey! have you EVER heard of a mad FEMALE rapist on the loose?) and if it wasn't for US spending 12 to 20 hours of our already short lives, pushing out your extremely LARGE head from our most vunerable spot (Yes, it does HURT worse the getting hit in the balls!) YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE HERE!!!!
So next time you feel the OVERWHELMING desire to run us and our weeks worth of groceries down in the grocery store parking lot, cause we were walking in the walking lane, in your way, and you're 'in a hurry dammit!', or if the lane should run out and we feel the need to merge in front of you and not behind you 'how dare us!!', or we let out a blood curtaling scream at 3:00am in the middle of the night because our hineys just touched the toilet water CAUSE YOU LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!!! ALREADY!!!!, and wake you from your 'much needed sleep', please forgive us....and we'll forgive you, because 'you forgot', or you 'didn't hear us' when we told you for the umpth teenth time.
Honey, we know how you want a 'Lady in the Streets, a Genuis in the Boardroom, Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the Bedroom, we want that for you too! We just want you to know, we're trying our best, ok? Maybe you could try a little harder too?
It's a pretty small price to pay considering you got to vote and wear pants for thousands of years before we did...don't cha think?
Yes, we ARE women, but we are also LADIES. Therefore, yes, we do expect you to allow us to merge in front of your in traffic when the damn merge lane ends. We also expect You, Mr. Man to open the door for us when we are walking into a building with you and our arms are full. We expect you to get your a-- up and give us your seat when we get on the bus/train, and you see that we are elderly, or have our hands full of children, groceries, whatev. We also expect you to hold the elevator for us, when you are standing inside it and see us running to make it, instead of frantically pushing the buttons to close the doors in our faces.
At home, we (the women of the world)do expect you to PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT. If the seat was suppose to be left up, it wouldn't have hinges. Face it, it was created for a purpose. When the trash is full, yes we DO expect that you will take it out, and when the yard gets knee-high in grass, and we can't find the children, we DO expect that YOU will mow it, not us. And another thing, girls don't know chit about cars, ok? So when our tires are ABSOLUTELY bald and swerving all over the road as we take your heirs to soccer/ballet/football/cheerleading practice, or the fricking car is smoking, and overheating so badly that the polar ice caps are melting, after we told you three months ago that something is wrong, AND YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT, please don't feel the overwhelming need to wank about all the money we threw away at the mechanic's and how they ripped us off 'cause 'we're just girls', ok?
Further more, as you are slaving away at your job all day, in addition to being expected to remember to put the damn seat down, and allowing us to merge in traffic IN FRONT, not behind you in traffic, and holding the elevator for us (It's alot of burden on you, we almost understand...) Please don't accuse us of sitting on the couch all day watch soaps and eating Bons Bons just becauase some of us don't work. Just in case you were wondering what we do ALL DAY? We are packing your lunch, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, trying to stretch your all mighty dollar so that we can afford ALL the wonderful THINGS that YOU buy for us, cause 'OH WORSHIP ME, I WORK, YOU DON"T', raising your kids, making sure they don't kill eachother and set YOUR house on fire, trucking them all over God's green earth, cooking your dinner, and YES, most of us are doing all this AND also having to work, just like you. And guess what? Unlike the girls on "Sex in the City", our jobs don't involve setting in nice restaurants all day, drinking martinis and gossiping about men, that only happens on TV, ok? So please don't feel the need to comment on 'How easy we have it at our job" mmmk?
Now we know that you are so put upon because sometimes, 'HOW DARE US', we have asked you to help with some of the above tasks, after we get off work. Or maybe sometimes we ARE actually tired after doing ALL the above, and ask for a pass in the bedroom. It don't mean we don't love you, it also don't mean that we're having an affair either, OK? I mean, hey, it's almost like when YOU are too tired to talk when we need to talk, or deal with the kids, so you SO SWEETLY leave us to deal with that, while you go relax. Maybe had you honored your damn commitment to 'love and chreish us, and take care of our needs like you promised in front of our parents and all those people years ago, maybe we wouldn't have to work and could complete ALL our responsibilites, in addition to jumping your bones everynight of the week!
Oh, and BTW, your farts ... NOT amusing. They DO stink, and burping at the table IS NOT a sign of appreciation for our cooking.
Please remember, not only are we your wives, we are also your mothers, sisters and daughters. We have the one thing that YOU really want (I mean, Hey! have you EVER heard of a mad FEMALE rapist on the loose?) and if it wasn't for US spending 12 to 20 hours of our already short lives, pushing out your extremely LARGE head from our most vunerable spot (Yes, it does HURT worse the getting hit in the balls!) YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE HERE!!!!
So next time you feel the OVERWHELMING desire to run us and our weeks worth of groceries down in the grocery store parking lot, cause we were walking in the walking lane, in your way, and you're 'in a hurry dammit!', or if the lane should run out and we feel the need to merge in front of you and not behind you 'how dare us!!', or we let out a blood curtaling scream at 3:00am in the middle of the night because our hineys just touched the toilet water CAUSE YOU LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!!! ALREADY!!!!, and wake you from your 'much needed sleep', please forgive us....and we'll forgive you, because 'you forgot', or you 'didn't hear us' when we told you for the umpth teenth time.
Honey, we know how you want a 'Lady in the Streets, a Genuis in the Boardroom, Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the Bedroom, we want that for you too! We just want you to know, we're trying our best, ok? Maybe you could try a little harder too?
It's a pretty small price to pay considering you got to vote and wear pants for thousands of years before we did...don't cha think?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The ALLI Chronicles - (Part II)
OK, before I get into the ALLI story. Let's talk PTA. I mean last night was the 1st one of the year. Am I just jaded, or are those skinny capri wearing Stay-At-Home-Mommie's just too much!? I mean Damn! Chill Ladies, have a cocktail already!!! I am thinking about having a PTA intervention on some of them ladies.
And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':
Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)
Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...
OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!
Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)
Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)
So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.
Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!
Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)
For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.
OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady, I.got.my.eye.on.you.
And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':
Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)
Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...
OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!
Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)
Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)
So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.
Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!
Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)
For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.
OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady, I.got.my.eye.on.you.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Crap!! Has it been a year already?!?! ALLI Chronicles (Part !)
Since that time I have lost, gained, and tried to lose again. 40lb. Reconnected with my daughter. Had my younger son move to AK, then Cali, then back home again, Dammit!! Had my old boy move back in Dammit! and also had my niece graduate from H.S., enroll in College and yes, you guessed it! also move in with me!
My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.
It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!
I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.
So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)
Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM
Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".
Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!
(then later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM ...one hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..
(then a little later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM
3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?
Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.
They . just. keep. slipping. out.
All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!
More to follow....
My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.
It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!
I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.
So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)
Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM
Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".
Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!
(then later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM ...one hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..
(then a little later in the day....)
Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM
3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?
Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.
They . just. keep. slipping. out.
All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!
More to follow....
Monday, August 27, 2007
Eleven 11 Year old Girls at a Slumber Party?
JUST.SAY.NO.
Oh my!!! I barely survived this weekend!!!!!Thank You Lord, for helping me survive this past weekend.. And thank you everyone who gave me good suggestions for how to keep the little prisses entertained.
Just to let you know. 11 year girls don't want to watch movies, they want to DANCE, and SING, LISTEN TO MUSIC, and TALK ABOUT 'iS ZAC EFRON HOT OR NOT' (not hot), and PUT ON FINGERNAIL POLISH, then take it off, and put it back on, and take it off, and put it back on, and PUT ON MAKE-UP, and DO FACE MASKS, over and over and over til their faces are red and raw…oh yea, did I mention AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT?
So, in 24 hours, they devoured a half a sheet cake. (meant to feed between 30 and 50 people.) 4.5 pounds of candy. (They dropped the other half pound on the floor and the dogs ate it and puked it up on the carpet at midnight..) a cookie cake, 6 Papa John's Pizza (PPJ, You RULE!!! And I'd like to apologize to the poor hapless driver who came to our door only to be greeted by 11 screaming, freaking out girls. Sorry dude.) 3 pounds of chips, 36 kool aids drinks, 9 liters of coke, 3 boxes of cereal, gallon of milk, and everything else I didn't nail down or hide.
In 24 hours, we had the following accidents or issues. One girl thinking that a tornado was coming cause it was storming. One kid calling her parents and grandmother at midnight cause everyone was being mean to her. Tears. Fingernail Polish Remover in the eye. (And I forgot to tell the Mom about it the next day, yikes.) Explosive Diarreha (from all that candy I am sure.) Lost cell phone (found it 10mins after panic freak out mode set in.) Whipped Cream in the eyeball. And that's about it.
I learned a lot about my daughter by observing her with her friends, and I learned that girls ARE a lot like their moms. The quiet mom has a quiet daughter. The healthy mom has a health conscious daughter, the prissy mom has a prissy daughter (kid brought 2 purses for a 24 hour sleepover!).
Ofcourse my husband totally hid upstairs (Like a scared puppy) in his room until they all left… hee hee.
They were a good bunch of girls. We are lucky.
Oh my!!! I barely survived this weekend!!!!!Thank You Lord, for helping me survive this past weekend.. And thank you everyone who gave me good suggestions for how to keep the little prisses entertained.
Just to let you know. 11 year girls don't want to watch movies, they want to DANCE, and SING, LISTEN TO MUSIC, and TALK ABOUT 'iS ZAC EFRON HOT OR NOT' (not hot), and PUT ON FINGERNAIL POLISH, then take it off, and put it back on, and take it off, and put it back on, and PUT ON MAKE-UP, and DO FACE MASKS, over and over and over til their faces are red and raw…oh yea, did I mention AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT?
So, in 24 hours, they devoured a half a sheet cake. (meant to feed between 30 and 50 people.) 4.5 pounds of candy. (They dropped the other half pound on the floor and the dogs ate it and puked it up on the carpet at midnight..) a cookie cake, 6 Papa John's Pizza (PPJ, You RULE!!! And I'd like to apologize to the poor hapless driver who came to our door only to be greeted by 11 screaming, freaking out girls. Sorry dude.) 3 pounds of chips, 36 kool aids drinks, 9 liters of coke, 3 boxes of cereal, gallon of milk, and everything else I didn't nail down or hide.
In 24 hours, we had the following accidents or issues. One girl thinking that a tornado was coming cause it was storming. One kid calling her parents and grandmother at midnight cause everyone was being mean to her. Tears. Fingernail Polish Remover in the eye. (And I forgot to tell the Mom about it the next day, yikes.) Explosive Diarreha (from all that candy I am sure.) Lost cell phone (found it 10mins after panic freak out mode set in.) Whipped Cream in the eyeball. And that's about it.
I learned a lot about my daughter by observing her with her friends, and I learned that girls ARE a lot like their moms. The quiet mom has a quiet daughter. The healthy mom has a health conscious daughter, the prissy mom has a prissy daughter (kid brought 2 purses for a 24 hour sleepover!).
Ofcourse my husband totally hid upstairs (Like a scared puppy) in his room until they all left… hee hee.
They were a good bunch of girls. We are lucky.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Just a little thank you for my employer......
Dear People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company,
Have I not been a good employee? Do I not rush out the door every morning at 5:30, just so I can crawl on a bus for an hour, then take the Marta train for another 20 mins with half a million of my homeys, so that I can be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed every morning?
Now, I knew that you were not one to throw around money when I came to work here, and quickly realized that the policy for ordering office supplies consisted of stealing pens, paper and staples from co-workers desk or waiting until someone quit to go through their desk drawers for fresh office supplies.
And what about the air conditioning/heating situation? It's true, our offices are beautiful works of amazing architecture from the outside, but you People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company, are one smart cookie! You, being the eco-conscious group that you are, turn the air off everyday at 6pm. Great idea! Unless you have to work over, or come in early. Not that I am complaining or anything… but by the time I get to my desk from the lobby, I have sweated a gallon all over my outfit of the day.
Good thing I keep a little DO for the BO in my desk drawer! We also appreciate the way that you have remembered how Jimmy Carter sought to balance the budget back in 1976, by having all of America set their thermostats to 78 in the summer and 68 in the winter. Thanks the beautiful floor to ceiling windows that make up the outer walls of our office paradise, that 78 degrees usually lingers around 92 degrees during the day all summer long. It's like being at the beach! But without the sand, and water, and cute bikinis, and beer…..
But I digress.. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for removing the free coffee that we have enjoyed these past years and replacing it with a new computerized machine that charges us .50 cents per cup for this amazing brew. And THANK YOU, for providing NO INSTRUCTIONS on how to use this amazing new invention. That's probably the best part of this whole change. Can you imagine the sense of accomplishment we'll all feel when we figure out where to stick our quarters so that a delicious brown bubbling brew will fill our eager outstretched foam receptacles of morning hope?
I can't wait to see the next batch of improvements!!
Have I not been a good employee? Do I not rush out the door every morning at 5:30, just so I can crawl on a bus for an hour, then take the Marta train for another 20 mins with half a million of my homeys, so that I can be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed every morning?
Now, I knew that you were not one to throw around money when I came to work here, and quickly realized that the policy for ordering office supplies consisted of stealing pens, paper and staples from co-workers desk or waiting until someone quit to go through their desk drawers for fresh office supplies.
And what about the air conditioning/heating situation? It's true, our offices are beautiful works of amazing architecture from the outside, but you People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company, are one smart cookie! You, being the eco-conscious group that you are, turn the air off everyday at 6pm. Great idea! Unless you have to work over, or come in early. Not that I am complaining or anything… but by the time I get to my desk from the lobby, I have sweated a gallon all over my outfit of the day.
Good thing I keep a little DO for the BO in my desk drawer! We also appreciate the way that you have remembered how Jimmy Carter sought to balance the budget back in 1976, by having all of America set their thermostats to 78 in the summer and 68 in the winter. Thanks the beautiful floor to ceiling windows that make up the outer walls of our office paradise, that 78 degrees usually lingers around 92 degrees during the day all summer long. It's like being at the beach! But without the sand, and water, and cute bikinis, and beer…..
But I digress.. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for removing the free coffee that we have enjoyed these past years and replacing it with a new computerized machine that charges us .50 cents per cup for this amazing brew. And THANK YOU, for providing NO INSTRUCTIONS on how to use this amazing new invention. That's probably the best part of this whole change. Can you imagine the sense of accomplishment we'll all feel when we figure out where to stick our quarters so that a delicious brown bubbling brew will fill our eager outstretched foam receptacles of morning hope?
I can't wait to see the next batch of improvements!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Arg..... Another Year Older, just a bigger PITA
So the spawn is turning 11 and wants to have a party, no not just A PARTY, for that would be far too simple and uninspired! We must have 2 Parties!!! Cause we're all rich and everything.
So it's a swim party for all (at the neighbor's pool, THANK YOU FRIENDS!) then it's a slumber party for the girls afterward!! Oh freaking joy.. Didn't we just have a slumber hell recently? I think we did!
All I remember about that one, was the after the little itches left, I had no toilet paper (TP Fashion Show - a must do!) and the house was ABSOLUTELY wrecked. I don't just mean wrecked, like "Oh my, we (meaning me) need to vacuum and dust now!" but wrecked like FEMA Disaster Recovery Team with the search dogs, and helicopters. So while all you lucky people spend your weekend sipping your cocktails, I'll be sweating my arse off by a borrowed pool, holding a birthday cake and trying to make sure that 12 kids don't rise up against me and have a mutiny!! Cause that's what I live for OK?!?
Then it'll be off to the next lovely event of the day. Trying to keep half a dozen suger fueled, hormonal, future WASPs entertained for the evening (and way into the wee morning!) while making sure that no one gets their feelings hurt cause someone forgot to say something nice about their totally rocking pajama's from Wal-Mart ya'll, and making sure that they don't spill finger nail polish on my carpet, or play spin the bottle with eachother!! My life is so full…
On to other news….I have lost 25 lbs, and NO I DIDN"T CUT OFF MY ARM!! Even though I have seriously thought about cutting off a leg to lose weight in the past to win a stupid contest at work. I mean, it's a win-win situation! I instantly lose 75lbs, and everyone feels sorry for me cause, hey, I only got one leg. And then, I can start getting shoes half off!
But anyway, I WOULD TOTALLY KILL FOR SOMETHING SUGARY right now. 2 weeks ago, I inhaled a blueberry cream cheese biscuit from Hardee's and gained 5 lbs. Did I mention that my evil BROTHER supplied the crack to me? I HATE HIM sometimes, even when he's nice to me…
I will blog again, only if I live thru the weekend.
Toodles.
So it's a swim party for all (at the neighbor's pool, THANK YOU FRIENDS!) then it's a slumber party for the girls afterward!! Oh freaking joy.. Didn't we just have a slumber hell recently? I think we did!
All I remember about that one, was the after the little itches left, I had no toilet paper (TP Fashion Show - a must do!) and the house was ABSOLUTELY wrecked. I don't just mean wrecked, like "Oh my, we (meaning me) need to vacuum and dust now!" but wrecked like FEMA Disaster Recovery Team with the search dogs, and helicopters. So while all you lucky people spend your weekend sipping your cocktails, I'll be sweating my arse off by a borrowed pool, holding a birthday cake and trying to make sure that 12 kids don't rise up against me and have a mutiny!! Cause that's what I live for OK?!?
Then it'll be off to the next lovely event of the day. Trying to keep half a dozen suger fueled, hormonal, future WASPs entertained for the evening (and way into the wee morning!) while making sure that no one gets their feelings hurt cause someone forgot to say something nice about their totally rocking pajama's from Wal-Mart ya'll, and making sure that they don't spill finger nail polish on my carpet, or play spin the bottle with eachother!! My life is so full…
On to other news….I have lost 25 lbs, and NO I DIDN"T CUT OFF MY ARM!! Even though I have seriously thought about cutting off a leg to lose weight in the past to win a stupid contest at work. I mean, it's a win-win situation! I instantly lose 75lbs, and everyone feels sorry for me cause, hey, I only got one leg. And then, I can start getting shoes half off!
But anyway, I WOULD TOTALLY KILL FOR SOMETHING SUGARY right now. 2 weeks ago, I inhaled a blueberry cream cheese biscuit from Hardee's and gained 5 lbs. Did I mention that my evil BROTHER supplied the crack to me? I HATE HIM sometimes, even when he's nice to me…
I will blog again, only if I live thru the weekend.
Toodles.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Career Suicide
Would it be career suicide to paint my toenails at my desk? Hey, I'm on ANOTHER conference call so what's the big deal.
Monday, August 06, 2007
This Stay-at-Home-Mom crap sucks!!
Warning! This post is long and tragic...
Ok, so I thought I'd take a vacation day from work today to send the hubby and kid off to the 1st day of school with a good hot breakfast and lots of love....HA!!What the heck was I thinking?!?!? I was wondering what SAHM do all day... Now I know, and it ain't pretty.
When I told the hubby that I was taking today off, I suddenly saw the wheels turning in his little mind.... I told him that I would cook a nice breakfast and fix little missy's hair so ALL the kids woud look at how cute she looked and die with envy!
He immediately assigned the following for me to do today.
1. Get emissions on the car
2. Drop off drycleaningThen Little Missy added
3 Get crickets for stupid unwanted toads that refuse to get old and die.
Then hubby added (by way of the child 'cause he knew I was already fuming.)
4. Pick up prescriptions. (Which was ok, because I needed to pick up my crazy pills at CVS anyway.)
So I thought 'since I wasn't doing nothing', I'd
5. Get the oil changed on the car.6. Get the repairman to check out the stove that WON"T FREAKING LIGHT TO SAVE MY LIFE!
7. Take mystery movies that I forgot we had A MONTH AGO back to blockbuster.
8. Pick up some contacts.
So this morning comes too early for my SAHM day. At 6am, I am cooking the breakfast for the ungrateful family!
At 6:15, the child is "tired" and won't get outta bed, so she doesn't get her hair done. (OK, I half a$$ed it, and she had to redo it.)
Then at 7:40, hubby and child run frantically out the door as I try to snap a photo of the 1st day of school. (I got the photo, 1min after she managed to spill her Dad's coke down the front of her shirt. Nice..)
No thanks for the food, I appreciate it, it was good or nothing. Just as they left, I smelt something that smelled like a cross between a corpse and a cat turd, it was my morning catbox present from Grumpy Gretchen. I don't know how she lays those dinosaur size turds in her box without dying, but she does EVERYMORNING! So, I had to scoop that monster out of the box before the smell killed all the houseplants (and me.)
So then I settle down to try to catch some shut eye til CVS opens, cause that's what SAHM's do, right? Ha! Phone starts ringing, its the church phonetree telling us to pray for some poor lady at church (younger than me, 4 kids, had an anuerysm.) So that tore me up, and I made a couple of phone calls about that.
By then it was 10 and time to do my 'missions' then come home and relax and watch soaps with a stiff martini..
1st CVS, tried to develop the photos I just took of the 1st day of school. You know the saying, "Photos in Seconds" HA!! Someone put an order of 200 photos on the machine RIGHT BEFORE I HIT SEND ON MY 2 PHOTOS... So the lady said it would be a 30min wait.That's cool, I have to get prescriptions anyway, so I walk over to the drug counter, and am told that one of my hubby's drugs was out of stock, er no wait it's suddenly in now, and we can fill it. So I wait while they fill it. Then the other lady comes over and said that the Insurance computer crashed and she can only give me half the presscription. (DANGIT!) So now I gotta come back later. But atleasy I got my crazy pills!
So I get to the car to discover that my water bottle is now heated up to 5 millions degrees from sitting in the car.. so I decide to wait to take the crazy pills until I have something to wash it down with.
Then on to Blockbuster.. Ok that was smooth, but I have a free movie that I can get, and since I am SAHM today, I have all the time in the world to watch a movie right? Ha!! I get there, take back the movins, the guys were nice, but it's monday, and THERE'S NOT ONE DECENT MOVIE IN THE ENTIRE STORE THAT I HAVEN"T ALREADY WATCHED!! So I get Miss Potter, 'the amazingly delightful romantic story of some old bird whose been dead 100 years, who wrote kid books about rabbits'. What ev! I grabbed it anyway.
Then over to SAM's (while calling my eye doctor to get my prescription). Got there, had to wait like 10 mins, then saw someone who I used to deal with 10 yrs ago when I went to the eye doctor, so I had to get all the dirt that's been going on with her these past 10 yrs. (She probably didn't remember me from Adam, but I remembered her, and so we gossiped, ok?) So since I was there, ofcourse, I had to check out the deals on clothes. ah, nothing special.
Then on the get the oil changed. You know those oil places that say, "we change your oil while you sit in your car! or 2 minute oil changes. Just say no! I sat in my car for 15 minutes in 1,000 degree heat while these VERY SWEATY OILY guys changed my oil. Not fun..
By this time, I was sure that I was going to die a slow death from not eating so I decided to go Stevie B's. Know what Stevie B's ain't no fun without the kids, and I can't eat carbs anyway! So I had a salad and like 100 slices of pizza tops, (no crust shall pass my lips!) The lady cleaning the table kept giving me dirty looks, and when I got up to get more pizza tops, she cleaned my table and took my glass away. She hates me cause I was being wasteful not eating the crust and she know that there's starving kids in India.. Wench.
So after I get some grub, I get the emissions done. OK, that was quick and easy. No complaining there. Except when I got out of the car, I suddenly felt the pizza hit my gut like a mexican dinner! Ah carumba!! I really need to 'drop some kids off at the pool' now!!
But I gotta wait til I get the freaking crickets and go back to CVS!!!
So I go to PetsMart, (you remember my last time there, Grumphy Gretchen, the cat from H*ll?) So I steered clear of all cute adoptable pets, and headed straight for the cricket case. They don't have no crickets til tomorrow!?!? What the heck are those stupid toads suppose to eat til then? So I go over the Pet Showcase, guess what? They're out of business! Great. so now we'll just have to cacth some out in the yard..wahoo....
Then back to CVS. Got the pictures and the pills, not probably.. But while there I suddenly remembered that I NEVER TOOK MY CRAZY PILL!!! HAAAA!! Now I will feel bad for the rest of the day, and I have to take them before lunch or I can't sleep at night. Who cares..It is now 3:30 and I still haven't 'dropped some kids of at the pool'. So I race home to do that.
Barely made it! Let's say I totally got the cat back for that stinker this morning, just to put it bluntly. As I am sitting there doing that, and checking the mail, I remember that I ALSO forgot to call the repairman about the stove, CRAP.. Oh well, how does sandwiches sound for dinner?
Afterwards, while I am sitting here typing this, the little one has the nerve to call me from school and ask me if I went to CVS, dropped off the drycleaning, did the emissions and got crickets!!! (I am sure her Dad put her up to this!) AND the old (moved out) child just called and wants to come home and cry on my shoulder about something.
I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!I swear if I could find the ladder, I would use it to climb to the roof and jump off the house!
SAHM's, HOW DO YOU DO IT?
Ok, so I thought I'd take a vacation day from work today to send the hubby and kid off to the 1st day of school with a good hot breakfast and lots of love....HA!!What the heck was I thinking?!?!? I was wondering what SAHM do all day... Now I know, and it ain't pretty.
When I told the hubby that I was taking today off, I suddenly saw the wheels turning in his little mind.... I told him that I would cook a nice breakfast and fix little missy's hair so ALL the kids woud look at how cute she looked and die with envy!
He immediately assigned the following for me to do today.
1. Get emissions on the car
2. Drop off drycleaningThen Little Missy added
3 Get crickets for stupid unwanted toads that refuse to get old and die.
Then hubby added (by way of the child 'cause he knew I was already fuming.)
4. Pick up prescriptions. (Which was ok, because I needed to pick up my crazy pills at CVS anyway.)
So I thought 'since I wasn't doing nothing', I'd
5. Get the oil changed on the car.6. Get the repairman to check out the stove that WON"T FREAKING LIGHT TO SAVE MY LIFE!
7. Take mystery movies that I forgot we had A MONTH AGO back to blockbuster.
8. Pick up some contacts.
So this morning comes too early for my SAHM day. At 6am, I am cooking the breakfast for the ungrateful family!
At 6:15, the child is "tired" and won't get outta bed, so she doesn't get her hair done. (OK, I half a$$ed it, and she had to redo it.)
Then at 7:40, hubby and child run frantically out the door as I try to snap a photo of the 1st day of school. (I got the photo, 1min after she managed to spill her Dad's coke down the front of her shirt. Nice..)
No thanks for the food, I appreciate it, it was good or nothing. Just as they left, I smelt something that smelled like a cross between a corpse and a cat turd, it was my morning catbox present from Grumpy Gretchen. I don't know how she lays those dinosaur size turds in her box without dying, but she does EVERYMORNING! So, I had to scoop that monster out of the box before the smell killed all the houseplants (and me.)
So then I settle down to try to catch some shut eye til CVS opens, cause that's what SAHM's do, right? Ha! Phone starts ringing, its the church phonetree telling us to pray for some poor lady at church (younger than me, 4 kids, had an anuerysm.) So that tore me up, and I made a couple of phone calls about that.
By then it was 10 and time to do my 'missions' then come home and relax and watch soaps with a stiff martini..
1st CVS, tried to develop the photos I just took of the 1st day of school. You know the saying, "Photos in Seconds" HA!! Someone put an order of 200 photos on the machine RIGHT BEFORE I HIT SEND ON MY 2 PHOTOS... So the lady said it would be a 30min wait.That's cool, I have to get prescriptions anyway, so I walk over to the drug counter, and am told that one of my hubby's drugs was out of stock, er no wait it's suddenly in now, and we can fill it. So I wait while they fill it. Then the other lady comes over and said that the Insurance computer crashed and she can only give me half the presscription. (DANGIT!) So now I gotta come back later. But atleasy I got my crazy pills!
So I get to the car to discover that my water bottle is now heated up to 5 millions degrees from sitting in the car.. so I decide to wait to take the crazy pills until I have something to wash it down with.
Then on to Blockbuster.. Ok that was smooth, but I have a free movie that I can get, and since I am SAHM today, I have all the time in the world to watch a movie right? Ha!! I get there, take back the movins, the guys were nice, but it's monday, and THERE'S NOT ONE DECENT MOVIE IN THE ENTIRE STORE THAT I HAVEN"T ALREADY WATCHED!! So I get Miss Potter, 'the amazingly delightful romantic story of some old bird whose been dead 100 years, who wrote kid books about rabbits'. What ev! I grabbed it anyway.
Then over to SAM's (while calling my eye doctor to get my prescription). Got there, had to wait like 10 mins, then saw someone who I used to deal with 10 yrs ago when I went to the eye doctor, so I had to get all the dirt that's been going on with her these past 10 yrs. (She probably didn't remember me from Adam, but I remembered her, and so we gossiped, ok?) So since I was there, ofcourse, I had to check out the deals on clothes. ah, nothing special.
Then on the get the oil changed. You know those oil places that say, "we change your oil while you sit in your car! or 2 minute oil changes. Just say no! I sat in my car for 15 minutes in 1,000 degree heat while these VERY SWEATY OILY guys changed my oil. Not fun..
By this time, I was sure that I was going to die a slow death from not eating so I decided to go Stevie B's. Know what Stevie B's ain't no fun without the kids, and I can't eat carbs anyway! So I had a salad and like 100 slices of pizza tops, (no crust shall pass my lips!) The lady cleaning the table kept giving me dirty looks, and when I got up to get more pizza tops, she cleaned my table and took my glass away. She hates me cause I was being wasteful not eating the crust and she know that there's starving kids in India.. Wench.
So after I get some grub, I get the emissions done. OK, that was quick and easy. No complaining there. Except when I got out of the car, I suddenly felt the pizza hit my gut like a mexican dinner! Ah carumba!! I really need to 'drop some kids off at the pool' now!!
But I gotta wait til I get the freaking crickets and go back to CVS!!!
So I go to PetsMart, (you remember my last time there, Grumphy Gretchen, the cat from H*ll?) So I steered clear of all cute adoptable pets, and headed straight for the cricket case. They don't have no crickets til tomorrow!?!? What the heck are those stupid toads suppose to eat til then? So I go over the Pet Showcase, guess what? They're out of business! Great. so now we'll just have to cacth some out in the yard..wahoo....
Then back to CVS. Got the pictures and the pills, not probably.. But while there I suddenly remembered that I NEVER TOOK MY CRAZY PILL!!! HAAAA!! Now I will feel bad for the rest of the day, and I have to take them before lunch or I can't sleep at night. Who cares..It is now 3:30 and I still haven't 'dropped some kids of at the pool'. So I race home to do that.
Barely made it! Let's say I totally got the cat back for that stinker this morning, just to put it bluntly. As I am sitting there doing that, and checking the mail, I remember that I ALSO forgot to call the repairman about the stove, CRAP.. Oh well, how does sandwiches sound for dinner?
Afterwards, while I am sitting here typing this, the little one has the nerve to call me from school and ask me if I went to CVS, dropped off the drycleaning, did the emissions and got crickets!!! (I am sure her Dad put her up to this!) AND the old (moved out) child just called and wants to come home and cry on my shoulder about something.
I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!I swear if I could find the ladder, I would use it to climb to the roof and jump off the house!
SAHM's, HOW DO YOU DO IT?
Monday, July 30, 2007
Alaska Cruising....
And for your your viewing pleasure....
Things I saw in Alaska!
Yea, there's a whale in this picture. See him? No? That's because he's UNDERWATER! Duh!
Things we were told we'd see on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion...
Things I saw in Alaska!
Yea, there's a whale in this picture. See him? No? That's because he's UNDERWATER! Duh!
Things we were told we'd see on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion...
Things that the tour guide on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion saw other times when he was doing the $110 Whale Watching Excursion ...
Yep....you guessed it Whales.
All in all, it was a wonderful trip! I'd live in Alaska in a heartbeat, if only I could figure out how to dress.. (One day it's tropical hot, the next day it's freezing ass cold!)
However I will warn you, Alaska cruises are geared toward old people. So if you decide to take one, better bring your own entertainment!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Where ya been Southern Chickie?
I have been on a cruise to Alaska.. So when I get back to work and find that I have 972 emails to weed thru, do I get right to work?
um NO!!
I check the blogs! I will post more details at a later time. It was a VERY INTERESTING TRIP!
Til then....
um NO!!
I check the blogs! I will post more details at a later time. It was a VERY INTERESTING TRIP!
Til then....
Monday, July 09, 2007
LIFE LESSON # 534,698
I have learned an important life lesson, the hard way, this past weekend. 
Never talk to children when you’ve been drinking.
So Thursday night, I stumbled over to the neighbor’s house to retrieve my lovely princess from their pool. (Heck it was 10pm and a weeknight!) and found that ALL the little girls from the hood were swimming over there. As I am telling the kid to get her arse outta the pool and ‘come on’ she begins what is known as the bargaining technique..
The bargaining technique is used whenever a child wants something and is not within smacking distance….
Here’s how our little angel uses it:
A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? NO ONE ELSE IS LEAVING!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!
Me: Come on darling, it’s late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning. I just want to know that you are safe and in the house before I go to sleep. (And to myself, “And plus, I’m wearing a ratty old night gown, that’s totally see thru and no bra, therefore let’s get the heck out of dodge before the neighbor’s husband walks out.”)
A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!
Me: (To myself, “Oh crap, here he comes!! Hide Boobies! Don’t.stand.in.the.light..”) Come on darling! If you get out of the pool now (Right freaking now!) I’ll let you have a spend the night tomorrow.
A: Mu-wah wah!! Can ALL the girls come over?
Me: Ofcourse, now let’s run home. (To myself: RUN!!! Get your crap and MOVE IT!)
So guess who calls me at work the next day?
A: So we’ll be having 4 girls beside me, over tonight (Mu-wah wah!) Let’s order Pizza!!!
Me: Oh.kill.me.now..
Yep, 5 ten and eleven year old girls camped out at MY house, in the living room. Giggling,
gossiping, singing, dancing, eating pizza, drinking all my sodas, pouting, PMSing till 7am the next day..
I have quit drinking.
Never talk to children when you’ve been drinking.
So Thursday night, I stumbled over to the neighbor’s house to retrieve my lovely princess from their pool. (Heck it was 10pm and a weeknight!) and found that ALL the little girls from the hood were swimming over there. As I am telling the kid to get her arse outta the pool and ‘come on’ she begins what is known as the bargaining technique..
The bargaining technique is used whenever a child wants something and is not within smacking distance….
Here’s how our little angel uses it:
A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? NO ONE ELSE IS LEAVING!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!
Me: Come on darling, it’s late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning. I just want to know that you are safe and in the house before I go to sleep. (And to myself, “And plus, I’m wearing a ratty old night gown, that’s totally see thru and no bra, therefore let’s get the heck out of dodge before the neighbor’s husband walks out.”)
A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!
Me: (To myself, “Oh crap, here he comes!! Hide Boobies! Don’t.stand.in.the.light..”) Come on darling! If you get out of the pool now (Right freaking now!) I’ll let you have a spend the night tomorrow.
A: Mu-wah wah!! Can ALL the girls come over?
Me: Ofcourse, now let’s run home. (To myself: RUN!!! Get your crap and MOVE IT!)
So guess who calls me at work the next day?
A: So we’ll be having 4 girls beside me, over tonight (Mu-wah wah!) Let’s order Pizza!!!
Me: Oh.kill.me.now..
Yep, 5 ten and eleven year old girls camped out at MY house, in the living room. Giggling,
gossiping, singing, dancing, eating pizza, drinking all my sodas, pouting, PMSing till 7am the next day..I have quit drinking.
Friday, July 06, 2007
4th of July..What no Rednecks!?!?!
So we went down to Lennox for the 4th of July. For those of you not in the know..It's in Buckhead, which is still Atlanta, only it's 'uptown Atlanta'.
Got a GREAT deal on a room! (Thanks to my homegurl K!) and spent the afternoon with the 
family, the neighbors, and another couple, sitting by the pool, watching the kids (7) argue, try to race eachother, outdive eachother, kill eachother, whine about being bored, and play. Our room was right next to the pool, so guess who got to sleep in 7 wet spots? (Thanks to 7 wet kids watching cartoons in our room!) Because, hey that's why we rented a room downtown, so you kids could sit inside and watch cartoons!
family, the neighbors, and another couple, sitting by the pool, watching the kids (7) argue, try to race eachother, outdive eachother, kill eachother, whine about being bored, and play. Our room was right next to the pool, so guess who got to sleep in 7 wet spots? (Thanks to 7 wet kids watching cartoons in our room!) Because, hey that's why we rented a room downtown, so you kids could sit inside and watch cartoons!Actually the kids were pretty good, however I did have to have a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with my own spawn.. She's usually sweet, but her patience was sorely tested yesterday being around 6 (other) wild children all day.
The fireworks were good, but a little short due to the drought. We didn't have any of the drama that we'd had in previous years due to mixing alcohol and red necks. Dang it.
I also had a Dr's appt with the hunney on Thurs. They took us in together, which was kind of creepy. Which means that I totally didn't get the complimentary breast exam I so look forward to each visit. (I'm kidding, hunney...or am I?)So anyway, I beg and take on, act pathetic, and plead, but only get 2 freaking prescriptions, 
meanwhile HE walks out with like 8. What is up with that! No Fair... I am much more sicker that he is. I even had a fever for Heaven's Sakes!!! Stupid Doctor.
meanwhile HE walks out with like 8. What is up with that! No Fair... I am much more sicker that he is. I even had a fever for Heaven's Sakes!!! Stupid Doctor.So today, it's back at work for 1 whole day, and I am totally dying. I am sure that I was born to lie back in a reclining position, eating bons-bons, and watching soaps all day........
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