Today only, I'll be holding a charity auction to support a cause near and dear to my heart. It's the fight against cellulite. Ok, so it's really not that near my heart, but I, like billions of sufferers, across the earth have been afflicted with this terrible disease.
So here's a list of the items that I will be auctioning off today to support this honorable cause. The auction will be for today only, and all bids start at $1. The highest bidder at the end of the day, will be announced and will IMMEDIATELY recieve their spectacular prizes!
1.) A Christmas Card signed by Elves! - So, you say " You Ain't Nuthin but a Hound Dog", but you'd like to be a "Hunka Hunka Burnin Love"! Then this is the the MUST HAVE card for you!! Yes folks, it's the genuine article!! A Christmas card signed by Elves! So what if it's spelled with an e and not an i, just wave it around quickly in front of your friends faces and then lock it in a drawer. They'll never SEE the difference!! Stand back and watch as they swoon with envy!!
2.) A Picture of Buddha!! - OK, it's really a picture of my husband, but lots of people say he looks exactly like Buddha. Having this picture prominently displayed in your work space or home is sure to bring years good luck and great fortune. (I 'm also willing to throw in genuine article to the highest bidder, for an additional $100. If you are constantly pestered by that friend/co-worker/ significant other who seems to ALWAYS be your in way, then "The Buddha" is just the thing for you!!! Watch as he magically disappears at the 1st sign of housework, yardwork or cranky children!! Be AMAZED to see him VAPORIZE into thin air upon hearing phrases such as, "Does this outfit make me look fat?", "Let's Cuddle." and "Can you help me carry in the groceries?"!!!!! But don't worry, when you're ready for your new best friend/co-worker/significant other to re-appear, all you have to say is, "Dinner's on the table!", "I didn't know the Dolphins were playing today?", or "Oh, is that the last Twinkie?" and he'll re-appear in a FLASH!!
3.) Advertising Space on My Right Palm. - Yep, you heard it right folks!! Actually advertising space on my entire right palm until the ink wears off. I promise to prominently display your ad to anyone who walks up to me, through out the entire day!! AND, I'll keep your ad on my palm til I wash my hands or the ink wears off!!! (ad must be in good taste AND you must supply your own Sharpie to write on my palm)
4.) Paper Papal Pope Hat! (say that really fast 3 times!) - Must see to believe!!! Be the 1st (and only) one in your neighborhood to wear a hat just like the Pope's!! With this hat, all your friends, and enemies are sure to stop you to kiss your hand, AND ask for your blessings and forgiveness all throughout the entire day!! You're sure to grab attention around the office with the marvelous hat!
5.) And lastly!! THIS IS A GROUND FLOOR OPPORTUNITY!!!! So, get it while you can!! It's my Daughter's STRAIGHT A REPORT CARD!!! Imagine the possibilities!! Even though she's only 8, I'm certainly convinced that with grades like these, my little princess is destined to become the FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.!!! Move over Condolezza, my baby's got it in the bag!! Just think, you can buy this report card for small change, yet it could be worth millions in about 50 years from now!!!! OR proudly display this report card at your next family gathering, and watch as your relatives hang their heads in shame,(and caste withering looks at their own useless kids!) as you regal and entertain them with the "Amazing Adventures of your Perfect Imaginary Child!!! All this without the expense and hassle of a wedding and childbirth!!!
Remember this supports a good cause and all proceeds will go toward the purchase of lo-carb snacks for over-nourished people!!
So bid often and bid high, if you want to win!