Friday, July 21, 2006
Stupid stupid be-aytch!!!
When my mom died 3 years ago, I gathered around the dog, with my brothers and we tried to figure out what to do with her untrained, groodey, stinking, flea infested, turd incrusted, stupid as dirt dog.
Brother # 1 - "I'll take if to the pound, but it ain't going in my car.
Brother # 2 - "Dur".. (not really, yes really.) "Well you can't use my truck, cause it ain't a running. (Yep, his cars NEVER run, and he REALLY talks like that.
Me - (Hysterical) "I can't believe ya'll want to kill the only thing in the world that made our momma happy! You guys are gonna burn for this! I'll take this beautiful dog, and love it as my own, and honor and cherish our mother's memory FOREVER!!! (or something close to that..)
So I packed up the little ungrateful, carpet pooping pooch, and took her smelly butt straight to the vet so that he could de-flea her, shave her and find out what the heck she really was, and check her for all kinds of nasty dog diseases! Then, I took the ungrateful mutt in, let her pee and poo all over my house til I got her trained, feed her treats constantly til she blew up like a hog, and loved her to death for the past 3 years.
HOW DOES SHE REPAY ME?????
She waits til we go out of town (and like the hillbillies we are, we took the dogs with us. ) She then proceeded to time her little escape until it was after midnight, with absolutely no moon in the sky, I was half drunk, was in the middle of no where, and had no shoes on... then when I let her out to pee, it was like someone had put a rocket on her butt, she started chasing my husband's van for dear life down a GRAVEL DRIVEWAY!! Did I mention, I had no SHOES ON!?!?!
Yep, I ran about 3 steps, stepped on a rock, and screamed, "I hope you die you ungrateful mutt"!! as she merrily ran toward the main highway thru town. Later, as my husband was coming back (around 3am thank you very much!) I told him, and you'd thought I had just told him that I'd killed all our children and burned down the house. He starts sniveling, gets teary eyed, and accuses me of "letting her run off". (He claimed he never said that,, but he totally DID!)
He then proceeded to spend the next 2 hours wandering thru the dark, calling out her name (Loud enough to wake the entire town of Philomath!) then comes in, man-cries a little more, vows that he will find her in the morning, and then tried to guilt trip me about "how scared she must be" and "how lonely she must be in the dark".
Meanwhile, I am utterly convinces the dumbdog is out getting her groove on with some huge Bulldog or Rottweiler and I start planning my next pet... (Less trouble, doesn't need to go to the vet...probably gonna get a pet rock or something.) Next morning, it was hours and hours of the same thing, wandering the back roads of Philomath, yelling for the dumbdog, and looking like complete morons.... All to no avail.
So we pack our stuff, and leave. My husband agonizing all the way home over the fate our "poor little dog". (Did I mention that he's a yankee from NYC, born and raised? Never had a pet growing up..)
Next day, he guilt trips me into calling the local newspaper and trying to put in a ad.I was thinking that it should go something like:"STUPID DOG - GONE!!! If you see it, kick it. Thank you very much."
But he wrote the ad, and it was much more descriptive. Something like: "Small black adorable dog. Missing in Town of Philomath. Cute, Adorable, Beloved family pet, if you see her, please put her somewhere safe, and give her lots of kisses and tell her Daddy is coming to get his precious little doggie"... or something along those lines.
Well, to make a VERY LONG story short.. Someone found dumb-dumb. She got bit by her big lover on the back, and my husband raced 2 and half hours back to Philomath to bring her to home. Took her to the vet and $160 dollars later, worthless is back, looking guilty as hell with bite marks on her back... LUCKY DOG!
Sunday, July 02, 2006
This is our 3rd year in a row meeting our friends out there at Momma and Diddy's house. I don't see how those poor people can stand seeing us every year, it seems we stay a little longer and bring more crap every time we go... (Bringing the dogs and company this year.) Sorry Ya'll. We sure do appreciate ya'll having us again!!
Stay tuned for the "aftermath" of Philomath.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
My parents think I am perfect:
My granny thinks I hung the moon:
And I did!! Because I AM PERFECT!!!
Even when I don't try to be!!!
Like when I wear my cute little dress:
Even with my hair wet:
Look into my eyes......
You are now under my spell of cuteness!!
Thank you for your time, if you don't agree that I am perfect......
I will BITE YOUR NOSE!!!
Monday, April 03, 2006
In the Party Tower, someone's always taking up a collection to buy a cake, or order out lunch for someone's birthday/ baby shower/just had a baby/"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that your momma passed on" party. I mean heck, there's a party like EVERY DAY at lunch. And when we wasn't partying, we were setting at our desk reading interesting blogs, and updating the world on our blog!
SoI got a new boss. Guess where he sets? Yep, Tower of Purgatory. At the Tower of Purg, we can't check our hotmail accounts, download good pictures of Ricky Martin in a Speedo, or read blogs OF ANY KIND!!!! Needless to say, my production is thru the roof, but I am totally out of the loop.
So here's the dirt in a nutshell....My dear Daughter moved to Jacksonville, and is making pottery at the Jewish Center? Why? Cause she can!!
My older son, has a new BABY!!!!! Yep, I'm a GRANDMOM finally!!!! Thank you Sweet Jesus!!!
Only the poor child looks like Condalezza Rice, and thinks like Ricky Martin so far.. But life is sweet so I am confident that that's all a changing soon. My Grandbaby lives in FREAKING WASHINGTON STATE SO FREAKING FAR AWAY!! so I haven't held her yet, but my son says he's coming in June with the family, or I will plan on going out there and kipnapping the precious little bug!!
The younger monster, er I mean son, is turning 18 in 2 weeks. So I am trying to organize a party, that won't be too gay or juvenile, but will mark the end of his childhood properly.
My littlest daughter, is still perfect, uptight and making straight A's. Did you expect anything less?
My husband is student teaching, and is 90% sure that he will be offered a job for next fall, at the school that he is teaching at. YIPPIE!!!! BRING ON THAT PAYCHECK!!!
Me... Well, I joined a gym. I'm still fat as crap, but getting muscles, and have discovered that it's all about the "core". Still working at the phone company, staying under the radar.
And that's about it for me... I solemnly promise to update my blog more often, like when I can get time on the home computer(which I can't because my darling husband is on it ALWAYS researching AKA "downloading porn" probably!) But I will try my best to update more often... and Dear Brother if you're reading this, HELLO DUMMY!!
Stay tuned for exciting upcoming Blog episodes like:
Why my Grand daughter is better than yours!
Why are the people at my gym so obsessed with my "core"?
My family in the hills, and all the people who are either sick or dying this month.
The phone company, will I ever get back to Party Tower, and I afford it?
Summer Weddings... better be happening with my 2 oldest children!!!
Oh and I got a digital camera for Christmas!!!! So stay tuned for pictures of:
The Cutest Baby in the World!!
The Cutest Kids in the World!!!
and other random images, that no one really wants to see, but will.