Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Remember when I told you that I had been good.

I lied. But thanks for the loot.

You Friend,

Friday, December 12, 2008

Do I ask for too much?

This is an open letter to all those 3rd world countries that make our clothing...

To whom it may concern:

WTH! I have been 5'8" for approximately 30 years now, but yet it seems that my clothes are getting shorter and shorter. Where is the rest of my shirts" What have you done to the waist of my pants? I am sure that somewhere in an office in the fashion district of New York, there's a man who sits smugly at his desk because HE was the one who came up with the brilliant idea to cut the bottom 3 inches of all shirts off to save money. It was him, with the help of his harlot of a daughter, who re-introduced hip huggers back into our everyday language. I can hear him now... "Imagine all the fabric that can be used to make even more, shorter shirts, imagine the money we'll save!!"

Well hello, I got some news for you Mr. Man. I've squeezed 3 kids out mah belly and thru my hips!!! One of them an 11 lbs, half grown toddler. Ain't no one on earth wants to see my mid- drift. And guess what, going around ALL DAY pulling down my shirt, or hitching up my pants so my battle scarred belly, and my fatback don't hang out, ARE NOT considered a form of exercise!!

I've I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna come over to your house and cut the crotch out of ALL your pants!

Have a Great Day!

P.S. You Suck.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Why with all the drama?

So rarely do I take a lunch alone. But Monday I did. Stopped off and bought a good book to read and sat my butt down at Stevie B to eat Pizza tops (I'm on a carb diet, don't cha know.) So there I was, when all of a sudden, I see this guy 2 tables over jump up and start peeling off his shirt while shouting obscenities at someone else at another table.

Not sure who it was aimed out, cause I immediately stuck my nose deep into my book while trying to look, not look.. So anyway Johnny Gangbanger was all cussing and flexing and cussing, while the entire place was staring intently at their plates desperately trying not to make eye contact.

I noticed while this was going on, the his pants wear AROUND HIS KNEES!! He had a nice round ass BTW. (I'm just saying..) then he shouted a gem that said it all, "Hey MF-er, I got felony convictions against me, I ain't skeered of you!" ...mmmm...Klassy. Yea, I'm totally going to use THAT one next time I get mad at someone.

So after a while of getting no response or acknowledgement of anyone in the restaurant, the girl at the table with Johnny GB, says, "Please leave, just leave." Boyfriend pulls on his shirt, and walks out.

So what do you think the girl did next?

Leave out the back? Cry? Call the cops?

She went back and herself another plate of pizza. While everybody else nervously sat around waiting on Johnny GB to come back in and blow our asses away with a 9mm. So I crammed another pizza top in my gullet and got the H out of there, and who should I see standing in the parking lot with arms crossed, leaning up against a car (3 cars away from mine!!!) and glaring into Stevie B's but,,,,yep you guessed it,,, Crazy A. Johnny GangBanger!!! Oh joy! He's gonna kill me in the damn parking lot.

So I walked to the far end of the parking lot and snuck up to my car and got in, just as another guy from the place approached my car beside me from the other direction. As we were pulling out, we both gave each other a look like, "Thank God, we're still alive!"

On my way out, I was gonna scream something like, "Pull your damn pants" up at Johnny B, but knew that my car would probably conk out right then and there, and he would pull my arms off and beat the hell outta me with them...

What a douche.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Ode to my Car....and the damn Check Engine light.

When my Father In Law(FIL) kicked it back in '04, God rest his soul, I 'inherited' his Smoking hot 99 Toyota Corolla. (And by smoking, I mean like real smoke, coming out of the tail pipe!) Actually it’s not too bad of a car. I have put ATLEAST 50,000 mile on it, and only :
1 set of brakes. (Maybe 2)
1 engine gasket of some sort.
1 or 2 sets of tires.
countless quarts of yummy oil

I say that I ‘inherited’ the car, because it’s really not ours. My MIL insists that although she hasn’t driven since the late 70’s when she was burning up the roads back in the day in Queens (NY) that she is totally going to start driving ‘her car’ just as soon as the state of Georgia comes to their minds and takes the curves and hills out of all the roads down here. I figure that this might take some time, therefore I have been driving ‘her’car in the meantime….just to keep the engine was rusting… ya’ know.

So, the little ugly white Corolla, or as I affectionately call her, Gertie the Ghost has been taking me to 100 miles round trip everyday to work and school. Never missing a beat. She’s warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. But suddenly,,,SUDDENLY (like last year!) I start to see this!!! and no matter HOW MANY TIMES I RESET the little monster, SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK ON!!!!! Ungrateful Car.

Friday, November 07, 2008

A wasted weekend.....

Some people travel to exotic places on the weekend.
Some people have hot dates on the weekend.
Some people catch up on their sleep on the weekend.

Me, I get co-erced into scrapbooking, and blowing off my homework on the weekend.

Monday, November 03, 2008

I am bound for the firey pits of hell...fer sure.

Yesterday I took the Mother In Law out...aka the Troll, to go return items at Linen's and Things. You know Linens and Things are going out of business right? Well all OVER every inch of their store are signs posted saying, "We ABSOLUTLEY will not take ANY returns EVA!! You try to return an item and you will be shot." or something to that effect. So what is the MIL's grand plan? To return a set of sheets that she slept on (Once! I swear by God) and DRYCLEANED!! (Who the hell drycleans sheets beside Donald Trump?)

This time, since she knew she was TOTALLY pushing the envelop, she decides to incorporate me into her evil scheme of helping L&T go bankrupt a little quicker. So she strolls up with her sheets, sans original packaging but STILL in the dryclean bag, and produces a receipt from JUNE! (She called me in a hot panic Sunday saying she MUST go to L&T NOW!!!) flopped the sheets AND a bedpad out of the bag and starts demanding her money back on both. Her receipt was a receipt issued on a previous return that she returned to trade out for this latest sheet set. Original item (hmm yea sheets) returned was $100, next set of sheets was $42, drycleaning charge was $46, and tried to get these people to PAY for the sheets, the pad (no receipt on that one, Crazy Lady!) AND THE DRYCLEANING BILL!!!!

So after the 2 pimply face teens manning the register, stopped howling with laughter, they gave her $42 bucks back on a gift card for the sheets. MIL then preceded to get all teary eyed about how she paid $46 for the drycleaning.. I was like, "Come on, let's get the heck outta here before they change their minds about the card!!"

Then I took her to the ShoeStore, then Wal-Mart.... During these random trips we both realized that she had not reset her watch to the new time..and that I had not reset the dashboard clock either...BUT sometime during our time out she forgot that the clocks were not reset, and gets in a panic to go home because dinner is being served at 5:30, and she doesn't want to miss it (She lives in a retirement home, they got schedules, people..) so she's all in a hot panic to get back home.'

So I do remind her that, "Hey the clocks are wrong, remember?"

What do you think?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Yep, I fell for Facebook

But dangit, I can't tell you who I am on it 'cause I've totally revealed to much on my blog... Oh well, live and learn.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

It only happens where I live....

So this is how it started:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said the possible fetus was found late Tuesday afternoon. The fetus has been sent to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation to make the final determination.Investigators were still on the scene at the school Tuesday evening.Please refresh this developing story for updates.

Then it went down like this:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Brian Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the fetal remains.The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner has been asked to get involved and to make the final determination.Police said they believe the fetus was probably a miscarriage in the first trimester and someone may be in need of medical attention. Officials said they are hoping a parent or friend may have noticed a loved one acting differently and will report it.Anyone with any information is asked to call the Paulding County Sheriff's Office.

After a while, I guess someone actually 'poked it with a stick':

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials have confirmed the finding at McClure Middle School in Paulding County of the tissue-like substance to be that of a large blood clot and not that of a fetus.
Paulding County officials said Tuesday they believed they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.
Cpl. Brandon Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the tissue-like substance.
The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner was asked to get involved and to make the final determination.
The investigation by the sheriff's office is in the process of being concluded, according to officials. Authorities said at this time, there are no signs or evidence that leads them to believe that this is anything more than a medical issue.

Meanwhile, mother's ALL over Paulding Co. were emailing each other, checking their middle school daughters' under pants, and whollopping on their sons while explaining the Bird and Bees to them.

Here's was my take on it:

This is soooo sad. I been up all night crying about the fetus. I even named him Cletus and asked the angels to take care of him. When I heard 'Cletus" was in the first stages, I raided my little girl's Barbie clothes to try and find white dress to bury poor Cletus in.

Last night around mid-night, my heart was hurting so bad, that I took out a shovel and dug a little hole to put poor "Cletus" once the GBI people released him for burial. Thank Goodness, I was soo distressed that I smoked an ENTIRE pack of cigs. I looked at that empty box of Marlboros and thought, "Hey I'll bet poor "Cletus" would fit in there just fine.

So I spent the next 2 hours hot gluing lace doiles and rhinestones all over the box so poor little "Cletus" would have something special to rest in.

After I finished, I wrote an obituary for poor Cletus and mailed it to the News ERA.

It said:

Funeral services will be held tomorrow for the poor little fetus named Cletus McClure.Poor little Cletus never had a chance and passed away in the last stall on the right in the 6th grade hall before he was born.

Cletus is survived my his mother, a little tramp who shall remain nameless, that doesn't have any manners.and a father, probably some jock from the football team.

Poor little Cletus is also survived by his maternal grandparents, who are wolves, and need to teach their children how to flush a toilet! and his paternal grandparents who really need to sit their boy down and have "The Talk" with him about the birds and the Bees!

Cletus will lie in state in tomorrow, in Malibu Barbie's 1984 wedding dress (From when she married Ken, before she found out he was gay), inside his be-dazzled Marlboro box.

SouthernChickie will be receiving Friends and Family all day until burial (Especially Cheffy! BRING CAKE!!)

Internment will be in SouthernChickies back yard between all the dog turds that her husband and 4 children rufuse to acknowledge and the big clump of weeds that the neighbors let grow between the houses so that they wouldn't have to look at said turds.

All are welcome.
So now you tell me it was a CLOT!?!?!?! What am I suppose to do with this darn hole I dug?

I just really feel sorry for the poor stupid kid who forgot to flush the toilet.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Cassville Flash

My best friend from grade school sent me a birthday card. It was late. So I waited FOREVER to call her back and thank her. (Late for Late, I suck..I’m vindictive. Who cares.) She’s so cool. I miss her.

I met her in 8th grade, she taught me to love the Stones, and feather my bangs. I used to go over to her house in the village and spend the night. She was the coolest eva! Her mom had let her watch the Exorcist, so she and I would shake her little sister’s bed, to scare the hell out of her. (My mom wouldn’t let me watch it, 25 years later when I did watch it, I found out why, Day-um!!!) Me and the Flash used to lip synch Blondie’s songs into a hairbrush.

Flash taught me, it's ok to skip out on homeroom and sneak down to the store for a candy run! Taught me to tormet our poor cat-lovin, 'I AM TOTALLY A STRAIGHT MALE' teacher Mr. Perry to death with out even saying a word.. Sorry Mr. Perry, I was just practicing my future fliration moves on you, didn't mean to make you have a near nervous breakdown that year...

Flash introduced me to her older hot brother’s picture and he became my 1st man-crush. (He was grown and in the army, so I only met his picture. He had a Freddie Mercury moustache…..so rocking hot in the 70’s.) Flash helped me to sew up the bellbottom legs on all our jeans so that they would be fashionably skin tight. We were the shit!!

She also didn’t mind that I was uber-obsessed with her “mama-boy’s” neighbor and would spend hours and hours with me walking up and down her neighborhood streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he drove his big ole puke green T-bird to his job…..at the funeral home. (I still love you Bud!!! Ha ha..) Yea, we never hooked up, I was only in 8th, and he was much too old for me.

Flash didn’t mind taking the left-overs when we double dated with her sister. (Who went on to become MUCH more cool and braver than we ever were. Nicely done, Jenny smoking pot in the girls bathroom in middle school, and calling in bomb threats to school when you wanted to lay out. You TOTALLY rocked back then!) Even though Flash took the ‘leavins’, he still was the hottest boy on our triple date. She went on to marry him, discover he was a worthless no account wife beating hillbilly, and divorce his sorry ass, pronto. Good Job, Flash, don’t take no shit off no man!

Flash gave me the courage to sneak out of my bedroom window at night to meet boys, then helped my haul my fat ass back in just as my mother was opening the door to ground me within an inch of my life, then laughed hysterical when Mom shut the door, thus making me laugh hysterically although my entire life was flashing before my eyes right then...

Years later, Flash sat with me in the football stands while we watched the daughter I had just re-met (after giving her up for adoption 18 years earlier) graduate from highschool and begin her life as an adult. She was the rock that I needed that day, as I sat on the sidelines of the next phase of my beloved's wonderful life.

Flash was the girl I took to NYC with me. What a fun WEEK!!! NYC didn’t know what the hell hit them when she blew into town. Dropping her honey-childs, ya’ll, and I DECLARE’s all over town. Charming men all over the city!!!

Talking to the Flash brings back all those wonderful memories, back when I was skinny, had long beautiful hair with perfectly manicured feathered bangs, and no stretch marks.

Can’t wait to see her again. As I have grown old and fat over the years, the Flash hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still rocking hot, single, loving life and listening the the Stones. (You be-oitch!)

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Varsity and why my husband needs to be killt.

I am a good wife, and a true Southern Girl, therefore after many years of marital bliss, I tried to introduce my husband to 'The Varsity". And you know what that lily livered, yellow bellied, carpet-bagging yankee had to say about the Varsity?

"Ahhh, it's not that great." NOT.THAT.GREAT!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! It's better that great! It's a damn southern tradition. It's the damn secret weapon that could have won the war of agression....if only they'd thought of it 100 yrs early.

I can see it now, Sherman comes riding into Atlanta, all crazy eyed, with his half million desperately hungry troops. Riding into Atlanta to ravish all the women, and looking to start a fire, so that they can get them some grub. And there on corner of Northside and what ever street stands The Varsity!! As Sherman pulls into the parking lot with the troops, trying to decide what to burn down next, out runs 20 car hops, with their red coats flapping, paper hats flapping in the breeze, and their pads out ready to write, screaming, "Whaddayahave Waddayahave?

After getting thier fill of de-li-cious chili dogs, and onion rings, and Hey! add a Big ol Varsity Orange to that while you're at it!! All Sherman and his men would want to do is just lie around rubbing their big fat tummies.... or looking for a bathroom, cause damn! them chili dogs work quicker that Milk O Mag!!!

Anyway, back to MY STORY, the husband is NOT WORTHY, and will have to do some big time grovelling to get back into the Queen's good graces after his little snub of my favorite-ist place to eat.

He did wear the sexy paper hat though so everyone would know he was a virgin. That WAS kinda cute, and sweet of him.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

All is well.........

The house is quiet and no one's home but me... Ofcourse, I should have my fat butt at the gym, that I am paying for and not attending, but what the hey..

I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....

But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..

Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!

Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:

On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!

It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!

But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The ALLI Chronicles (part V of IV) You thought that was the end?

OK, no chitting you! This is the last posting that I posted about ALLI on the other website that I 2-time with... Here's the last of all the ALLI drama...

My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.

So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.

As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."

So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)

Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.

Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!

Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...

Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!

BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I heart the Palin's!!

I have had a little trouble since I've found out that I can't wear contacts fulltime, and have had to resort to wearing sensible glasses. My heart has been broken ever since. (As if every time I look in the mirror and see a middle aged woman staring back at me instead of the hot MILF that I used to be with the contacts in).

So imagine my overwhelming joy when McCain announced the he has chosen Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, former Beauty Queen, Mother of 5, Total Hot Babe and WEARS SENSIBLE GLASSES, as his choice of Vice President of the United States of America!!! (Cue up the marching bands here, and release the tickertape and patriotic balloons.)

Check out that HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Sarah for fullfilling my husband's 'Hot Librarian" fantasies and making me see it's sexy to wear glasses too (and be in charge!)

But sexy isn't the only thing that Palin's got going for her. Oh no! She multi-talented! In addition to being governor, and raising unruly children, she's also managed to snag a totally rocking hot guy. (Who totally doesn't mind being married to the most powerful guy (er girl) in the entire state of Alaska!

Folks, I give you Mr. Palin!!

OK, that's not really him, but it sure looks ALOT like him!

Total Yumness!! and very absorbent too!!

Although future VP Palin got her start on the beauty pagent circuit (Who knew all those bullcheese speeches about world peace and love would ever be realized!) she really proved that she's the right man (er I mean girl) for the job!

(In this picture she's saying, "I love you all, now pay your damn taxes!)

It's so good to know that in times of like these (aka severe ecomonomic depression, high inflation, and rising unemployment) we can rely onVP Palin to do her part to boost the economy!

She can:

Kill her own meat WHILE entertaining the kids!!

(Hey Guys, it's called MULTI-TASKING!! Ya'll should try it!!

Fish for healthy meal ideals!! While ridding the ocean of ugly fish who might scare off the whales and baby seals!!

And distract the enemy... (then shoot 'em right between the eyes!!)

OK, I am praying this ones a photoshop, it's just too wrong to wear a bathing suit like that when you're in the Oval Office. (Or should we call it the Ovary Office!)

Here's Hilary's reaction when she heard the Sarah Palin was going to be the vice President AND had a hot body!!

(She's saying, "This is YOUR fault Obama!!")

So, in conclusion, I just like you all to know my opinion of the New Vice President (in waiting) of the Unites States of America!!!

Last of the ALLI Chronicle (part IV)..aren't you getting tired of all that crap anyway?

On another note... I just called and asked for 2 apps to run in some races. I promised my kid (The Fabuluous Lana) that I would run in the Peachtree with her next summer. Might as well try to kill myself before then, by doing some 'practice (Death Marches) runs.

On to the ALLI!

Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.

Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.

So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...

Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Alli: No.
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?

So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
Me: Sure!!
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.

Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!

And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)

When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...

Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?

So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....

About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!

ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.

Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The ALLI Chronicles (Part III)

Before I get started with all the sheeze, let me say that my littlest kid has her 12th BD Party. Know what? 12 yr old boys are HAWT! when they aren't kin to you. (kidding)

Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.

Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)

Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!

Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.

Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.

So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!

Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...

It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.

It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.

So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.

Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!

So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.

She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."

So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.

ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?

Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!

So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:

QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?

My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.

QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?

My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.

Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.

I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....

So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!

Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I found that I wrote this in my comments box.

Dear Anonymous,

In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance naked....in heels.

Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!

As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.

And thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, my penis works fine, thanks for asking. Er...Nope, car insurance is already covered, but thanks for looking out for me.

One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back.

Have a nice day.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Public Service Announcement for Men

Maybe it was the crazy dude in the rusted a-- Ford van on I-285 that nearly rear-ended me with an evil laugh and a gleam in his eye, while refusing to let my gurl in the Saab merge in front of him, (Dude, how-d you like it when I looked back, and motioned for her to get IN FRONT of me, you bout swallowed your 'chaw, didn't you?) or maybe it happened way back when my Dad ran off and left my mom, with 2 little children, and a newborn, in a strange town, after emptying our bank account, in the middle of the night... at CHRISTMAS, I just don't know when it started, but I am about over the way SOME 'men' behave...So Gentleman, our behalf of ALL the women in the world...I'd like to give you a little public service annoucement..

Yes, we ARE women, but we are also LADIES. Therefore, yes, we do expect you to allow us to merge in front of your in traffic when the damn merge lane ends. We also expect You, Mr. Man to open the door for us when we are walking into a building with you and our arms are full. We expect you to get your a-- up and give us your seat when we get on the bus/train, and you see that we are elderly, or have our hands full of children, groceries, whatev. We also expect you to hold the elevator for us, when you are standing inside it and see us running to make it, instead of frantically pushing the buttons to close the doors in our faces.

At home, we (the women of the world)do expect you to PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT. If the seat was suppose to be left up, it wouldn't have hinges. Face it, it was created for a purpose. When the trash is full, yes we DO expect that you will take it out, and when the yard gets knee-high in grass, and we can't find the children, we DO expect that YOU will mow it, not us. And another thing, girls don't know chit about cars, ok? So when our tires are ABSOLUTELY bald and swerving all over the road as we take your heirs to soccer/ballet/football/cheerleading practice, or the fricking car is smoking, and overheating so badly that the polar ice caps are melting, after we told you three months ago that something is wrong, AND YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT, please don't feel the overwhelming need to wank about all the money we threw away at the mechanic's and how they ripped us off 'cause 'we're just girls', ok?

Further more, as you are slaving away at your job all day, in addition to being expected to remember to put the damn seat down, and allowing us to merge in traffic IN FRONT, not behind you in traffic, and holding the elevator for us (It's alot of burden on you, we almost understand...) Please don't accuse us of sitting on the couch all day watch soaps and eating Bons Bons just becauase some of us don't work. Just in case you were wondering what we do ALL DAY? We are packing your lunch, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, trying to stretch your all mighty dollar so that we can afford ALL the wonderful THINGS that YOU buy for us, cause 'OH WORSHIP ME, I WORK, YOU DON"T', raising your kids, making sure they don't kill eachother and set YOUR house on fire, trucking them all over God's green earth, cooking your dinner, and YES, most of us are doing all this AND also having to work, just like you. And guess what? Unlike the girls on "Sex in the City", our jobs don't involve setting in nice restaurants all day, drinking martinis and gossiping about men, that only happens on TV, ok? So please don't feel the need to comment on 'How easy we have it at our job" mmmk?

Now we know that you are so put upon because sometimes, 'HOW DARE US', we have asked you to help with some of the above tasks, after we get off work. Or maybe sometimes we ARE actually tired after doing ALL the above, and ask for a pass in the bedroom. It don't mean we don't love you, it also don't mean that we're having an affair either, OK? I mean, hey, it's almost like when YOU are too tired to talk when we need to talk, or deal with the kids, so you SO SWEETLY leave us to deal with that, while you go relax. Maybe had you honored your damn commitment to 'love and chreish us, and take care of our needs like you promised in front of our parents and all those people years ago, maybe we wouldn't have to work and could complete ALL our responsibilites, in addition to jumping your bones everynight of the week!

Oh, and BTW, your farts ... NOT amusing. They DO stink, and burping at the table IS NOT a sign of appreciation for our cooking.

Please remember, not only are we your wives, we are also your mothers, sisters and daughters. We have the one thing that YOU really want (I mean, Hey! have you EVER heard of a mad FEMALE rapist on the loose?) and if it wasn't for US spending 12 to 20 hours of our already short lives, pushing out your extremely LARGE head from our most vunerable spot (Yes, it does HURT worse the getting hit in the balls!) YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE HERE!!!!

So next time you feel the OVERWHELMING desire to run us and our weeks worth of groceries down in the grocery store parking lot, cause we were walking in the walking lane, in your way, and you're 'in a hurry dammit!', or if the lane should run out and we feel the need to merge in front of you and not behind you 'how dare us!!', or we let out a blood curtaling scream at 3:00am in the middle of the night because our hineys just touched the toilet water CAUSE YOU LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!!! ALREADY!!!!, and wake you from your 'much needed sleep', please forgive us....and we'll forgive you, because 'you forgot', or you 'didn't hear us' when we told you for the umpth teenth time.

Honey, we know how you want a 'Lady in the Streets, a Genuis in the Boardroom, Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the Bedroom, we want that for you too! We just want you to know, we're trying our best, ok? Maybe you could try a little harder too?

It's a pretty small price to pay considering you got to vote and wear pants for thousands of years before we did...don't cha think?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The ALLI Chronicles - (Part II)

OK, before I get into the ALLI story. Let's talk PTA. I mean last night was the 1st one of the year. Am I just jaded, or are those skinny capri wearing Stay-At-Home-Mommie's just too much!? I mean Damn! Chill Ladies, have a cocktail already!!! I am thinking about having a PTA intervention on some of them ladies.

And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':

Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)

Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...

OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!

Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)

Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)

So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.

Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!

Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)

For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.

OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady, I.got.my.eye.on.you.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Crap!! Has it been a year already?!?! ALLI Chronicles (Part !)

Since that time I have lost, gained, and tried to lose again. 40lb. Reconnected with my daughter. Had my younger son move to AK, then Cali, then back home again, Dammit!! Had my old boy move back in Dammit! and also had my niece graduate from H.S., enroll in College and yes, you guessed it! also move in with me!

My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.

It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!

I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.

So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)

Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM

Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".

Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!

(then later in the day....)

Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM
...one hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..

(then a little later in the day....)

Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM

3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?

Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.

They . just. keep. slipping. out.

All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!

More to follow....