Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Parenting 101

I sometimes wonder how I can fully damage my children mentally. (The courts say that I am not allowed to "hit" them anymore. Not even where the bruises don't show.)

Here's some of the amazing tools that I use, in order to make sure that my children remain emotionally broken and move out of my house the second they turn 18.

1.) Go to PTA meeting wearing Daisy Duke's and a tube top. (I am a large, old woman, and have lovely stretch marks all over my body!) This is my way of telling my children, "Thank you for ruining my girlish figure, with your abnormally large head during gestation. I am proud to sport the body that you gave me!

2.) When ever I drop the kids off at school in the morning, I wait until the little darling gets out of the car and yell at the top of my lungs, "Mommy loves you!, Make good choices!, Just say NO to drugs!" This immediately turns my child into a Olympic Sprinter toward the school.

3.) Talk about your child's hygiene and bowel movements to completed strangers. Example: Task your precious one into a drug store or department store, the larger the better. Make your way up to the store manager or pharmacist while holding your child firmly in your grasp so that he/she can't escape, and ask a question like, "Do you sell Husky?" or "Little Tommy hasn't went number 2 in 3 days, do you have anything for that?"

4.) Talk to members of the opposite sex in front of your child. "So you go to school with Jenny? Do you think she's hot? Have you ever seen her wear that red sweater? Do you want to take her to the prom?"

5.) Make a scene. Laugh Loud, Sing to yourself in public, Talk to strangers. Wear anything bright...etc.. Just about any sudden movement or noise that you make that would identify you as your child's mother is a source of of extreme embarrassment to your child.

That's all that come to mind right now, but I am sure after I come back from a week of vacation with my little angels that I will have MANY more parenting tips to share.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


So everything is Raspberry flavored now. What is a Raspberry anyway? Just an unripe Blackberry if you ask me!

Raspberries suck, who likes them anyway?


They're red dammit! Not blue. Who in marketing came up with the brilliant idea that anything raspberry must be blue? (Especially marketed to children)

Probably a damn man!

Friday, July 22, 2005


I am such a Suzy Homemaker this week. My deep and unsettling hatred of XMIL has caused me to do something that I haven't done in a while.


Stand back Calvin Klien, Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan, I am the greatest new fashion designer of the world!!! Ok, so really it was a McCalls pattern that I got off the sales rack at Wal-Mart last winter, and the fabric costs only a dollar a yard. But I made it dammit and it's so cute!!!

I wore it to work today, and it's a little low necked, so whenever I look down, guess what I see?


That's right, my girls!! My pride and joys!!! Right up there under my nose. I have no idea why, but those puppies are really up there today!! I will probably have to retire my wonderful boobilicious shirt after today, but it was nice to wear something I actually made myself. (It's totally Daisy Duke looking - original DD)

The only draw back is (besides being way too low necked!) is that I keep seeing random strings coming out of the shirt. I am afraid that if I pull anything, that the whole she-bang will just come loose and drop in a puddle around me ankles, and everyone will see my "old lady bra".

Oh well, can't win 'em all, but atleast I do have B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Ex-wife's Mother-in-Law

No, not my ex-wife, my husband's. I am an idiot, that's all there is...

See, my husband's ex-wife quit talking to her mother about 5 years ago, because XMIL didn't support her daugther's decision to divorce my darling prince. So, what does XMIL do, she starts calling my husband telling him how much she'd like to visit her granddaughter and how she knows that the mom will never let her visit the granddaughter again, because they aren't speaking. So being the putz that I am (and not realizing XMIL tru evil side!) I encourage him to let the old bat come visit.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E. The first couple of visits went ok. XMIL would come and visit, whisper to the grown up about what a low life her daughter was, and basically just enjoy her time with the granddaughter. But then, BUT THEN, the true colors began to show.

First all, - the lady is hard of hearing. (She lied to us and told us that her mom hit her in the head until she went deaf. - not true) AND she's from Brooklyn, AND she keeps birds, lots of birds. Combine all that together and you get a loud, highpitched, nasally Brooklyn accent. This is a voice that strips paint of the wall, when she talks!! But miraculous, she has the hearing of a damn eagle whenever you say something that you DON'T want her to hear, and will even give you her unsolicited opinion on it, even though you weren't asking her!

2ndly - She lies, and she talks bad about EVERYONE she knows. She dissed her kid, her family AND her friends. She was showing me pictures one time and actually had the nerve to tell me that God was punishing her friend (he's in a wheelchair) because his parents were like 3rd cousins and married eachother. (Nice...) I told her that I didn't think that God worked like that. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, and she still tells Her husband that my husband is STILL with her daughter!! (Confusing, I know!)

3rdly - She tells our daughter bad things about her mother. (the daughter) AND her dad. (Talking shit about my husband will earn you an ass kicking real quick, from me!) She tells my child that she doesn't know why her mommy doesn't love grandma anymore, and that mommy is mean to grandma. (Hey lady, you dissed your daughter when she needed you the most, then talked bad about her, to everyone you know. HELLO, this is your daughter that you are pissing on!) Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of the ex-wife myself, but she IS the mommy, therefore we don't talk bad about the mommy.

Grandma also told our child some silly story about how a family pet had gotten ran over, and then told the child that Daddy has basically lied about how it really happened. (it was totally stupid and not true, but it eroded our daughter's confidence in her dad.)

4thly - The woman eats like a damn horse, AND pretends that she has food allergies. The old bat weighs less than 100lbs, and has a great figure, but she can eat you out of house and home! From the minute she hits are door, she is CONSTANTLY munching and grazing like an old milk cow!! And everynow and then, she'll pretend like she has some silly allergy and want you to buy her "special food". One time, she had a milk allergy, therefore she made us supply her with rice milk, which she didn't drink, because it tastes like liquid garbage!! (She has drank milk since then with no problems, old wench!!)
Last weekend, when the bat was visting, I made a chocolate cake. My husband nervously tells me that XMIL is allergic to chocolate. I just said, "Watch this." then asked the old bat is she wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Ofcourse she said sure, and even went back for seconds. (and probably thirds, when no one was looking!)I waited all night for that old hag to swell up and die. I was so disappointed!!

5thly- The woman never opens her purse for shit!! She complains that she's hungry the minute you get her off the plane, so we have to take her out to a restaurant. Does she offer to pay, ever? Hell no!! We drive an hour to pick her dumb ass up at the airport, have to totally rearrange our schedules, does she offer anything on gas? No!! She goes shopping, buys her friends all kinds of crap to take back to NY, buys her damn birds all kinds of crap... Does she buy her ONLY granddaughter even a freaking piece of gum? Whaddaya think? NO!!!! Heifer bitchass hooch!

Just to let you know of this lady's love toward her grandchild. There was this one time that our daughter was showing XMIL a ring that her mom had given her. XMIL looks at it and says "that's my wedding band that I gave my mother 30 years ago, I want it back!!", and then tried to take the ring from our 6 yr old. Our child said, "No, my mother gave me that ring!: (Apparently the XMIL's mom had held on the ring for 25 years or so, then gave it to HER granddaughter and told her that she could have the ring since it was the wedding band of her parents, who had divorced right after she was born.) So XMIL runs to my husband and tell him (like a damn 5 yr old!) that she wants her ring back from the 6 yr old, and that "she won't give it back". Husband says, "that's between you and her."

Then the bat from hell, runs to me and says the same thing. I tell her that it's our daughter's ring and therefore her decision, but that XMIL CANNOT just take the ring. So XMIL guilt trips the poor child for about a day, until she finally caves and say that the old bat can have the ring. but ONLY if XMIL will buy her another ring. So XMIL makes me take her to Wal-Mart to get a another ring. She strolls over to the racks that holds the cheap stuff, while the daughter and I proceed to the ring counter to find the most expensive ring possible. In the end, the little monster saw something glittery and purple, therefore I could only peg the ole bat for $40 bucks. (Darnit.)

Anyway, these crazy wench came for another visit this past weekend, and totally showed her ass as usual. I told my husband that the next time she wanted to visit, to tell her not to come, because we are having martial problems.

He gave me a stricken look, and said, "But we're not having marital problems."

I just said, "Oh we will, if she ever comes back!''

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Army Surplus Store

So now I ride the bus to work.. Ridin da' bus. Ridin da' bus..

We pass by a Army Surplus Store, and what's in the wnidow, but a big ole queer flag. Beautiful Rainbow Colors.... Somehow I don't think I ever saw those flag in any wars...

I liked it, it was sweet.

NOthing new to report. Except the mother in law is back.....and very needy.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Then there was Sunday...

As you will soon figure out, we did alot of traveling (and partying) over the weekend of the 4th.

Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)

So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.

John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.

So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.

So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)

So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.

John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."

Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!

Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."

Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)

So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.

As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

A Month's Worth of Drama Packed into 1 Wild Night!!

So, I laid outta work on Friday, because the phone company finally saw the good in me and hired me on fulltime. I AM SUCH A PRIZE!! So I had to take my final temp employee comp day...or lose it.

So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)

So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.

Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!

One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!!!

So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.

So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?

They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.

So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.

We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"

Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..

But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".

I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.

So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.

Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.

Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.

Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!

So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!

Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)

Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...

So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.

Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.

My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...

So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)

Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.

So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.

I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..

So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"

Yeah right, you freaks...

Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.

A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....