Thursday, September 25, 2008
I met her in 8th grade, she taught me to love the Stones, and feather my bangs. I used to go over to her house in the village and spend the night. She was the coolest eva! Her mom had let her watch the Exorcist, so she and I would shake her little sister’s bed, to scare the hell out of her. (My mom wouldn’t let me watch it, 25 years later when I did watch it, I found out why, Day-um!!!) Me and the Flash used to lip synch Blondie’s songs into a hairbrush.
Flash taught me, it's ok to skip out on homeroom and sneak down to the store for a candy run! Taught me to tormet our poor cat-lovin, 'I AM TOTALLY A STRAIGHT MALE' teacher Mr. Perry to death with out even saying a word.. Sorry Mr. Perry, I was just practicing my future fliration moves on you, didn't mean to make you have a near nervous breakdown that year...
Flash introduced me to her older hot brother’s picture and he became my 1st man-crush. (He was grown and in the army, so I only met his picture. He had a Freddie Mercury moustache…..so rocking hot in the 70’s.) Flash helped me to sew up the bellbottom legs on all our jeans so that they would be fashionably skin tight. We were the shit!!
She also didn’t mind that I was uber-obsessed with her “mama-boy’s” neighbor and would spend hours and hours with me walking up and down her neighborhood streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he drove his big ole puke green T-bird to his job…..at the funeral home. (I still love you Bud!!! Ha ha..) Yea, we never hooked up, I was only in 8th, and he was much too old for me.
Flash didn’t mind taking the left-overs when we double dated with her sister. (Who went on to become MUCH more cool and braver than we ever were. Nicely done, Jenny smoking pot in the girls bathroom in middle school, and calling in bomb threats to school when you wanted to lay out. You TOTALLY rocked back then!) Even though Flash took the ‘leavins’, he still was the hottest boy on our triple date. She went on to marry him, discover he was a worthless no account wife beating hillbilly, and divorce his sorry ass, pronto. Good Job, Flash, don’t take no shit off no man!
Flash gave me the courage to sneak out of my bedroom window at night to meet boys, then helped my haul my fat ass back in just as my mother was opening the door to ground me within an inch of my life, then laughed hysterical when Mom shut the door, thus making me laugh hysterically although my entire life was flashing before my eyes right then...
Years later, Flash sat with me in the football stands while we watched the daughter I had just re-met (after giving her up for adoption 18 years earlier) graduate from highschool and begin her life as an adult. She was the rock that I needed that day, as I sat on the sidelines of the next phase of my beloved's wonderful life.
Flash was the girl I took to NYC with me. What a fun WEEK!!! NYC didn’t know what the hell hit them when she blew into town. Dropping her honey-childs, ya’ll, and I DECLARE’s all over town. Charming men all over the city!!!
Talking to the Flash brings back all those wonderful memories, back when I was skinny, had long beautiful hair with perfectly manicured feathered bangs, and no stretch marks.
Can’t wait to see her again. As I have grown old and fat over the years, the Flash hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still rocking hot, single, loving life and listening the the Stones. (You be-oitch!)
Monday, September 15, 2008
I am a good wife, and a true Southern Girl, therefore after many years of marital bliss, I tried to introduce my husband to 'The Varsity". And you know what that lily livered, yellow bellied, carpet-bagging yankee had to say about the Varsity?
"Ahhh, it's not that great." NOT.THAT.GREAT!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! It's better that great! It's a damn southern tradition. It's the damn secret weapon that could have won the war of agression....if only they'd thought of it 100 yrs early.
I can see it now, Sherman comes riding into Atlanta, all crazy eyed, with his half million desperately hungry troops. Riding into Atlanta to ravish all the women, and looking to start a fire, so that they can get them some grub. And there on corner of Northside and what ever street stands The Varsity!! As Sherman pulls into the parking lot with the troops, trying to decide what to burn down next, out runs 20 car hops, with their red coats flapping, paper hats flapping in the breeze, and their pads out ready to write, screaming, "Whaddayahave Waddayahave?
After getting thier fill of de-li-cious chili dogs, and onion rings, and Hey! add a Big ol Varsity Orange to that while you're at it!! All Sherman and his men would want to do is just lie around rubbing their big fat tummies.... or looking for a bathroom, cause damn! them chili dogs work quicker that Milk O Mag!!!
Anyway, back to MY STORY, the husband is NOT WORTHY, and will have to do some big time grovelling to get back into the Queen's good graces after his little snub of my favorite-ist place to eat.
He did wear the sexy paper hat though so everyone would know he was a virgin. That WAS kinda cute, and sweet of him.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....
But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..
Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!
Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:
On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!
It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!
But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
My weekend escape..., Life without ALLI.
Mar 17 2008, 07:55 AM - Friday night, I was frantically going thru my closet trying on party dresses. Why? you may ask... We'll it's only because I had scored myself an invitation to the BABY SHOWER OF THE CENTURY!!!For those of you NOT in the know. One of Paulding County's premier socialites has managed to get her self knocked up, again. This is going to be her 3rd (and final, so I hear) daughter.
So ofcourse, knowing that this Paulding Diva has MANY friends in high places, I figure that the grub at this shower ought to be OUTSTANDING!!! Hence, the reason why I was madly dashing thru all the party dresses in my closet, looking for my most slimming, casual, but dressy dress.
As I was trying on my lovely (and slimming) afternoon party dresses, ALLI casually looks up from her Cosmopolitian and ask, "So, where do you think you're going"
Me: "Oh ALLI, I've been invited to a babyshower. Can you believe it?"
ALLI: "I hate babyshowers."
Me: "Well...you're not invited."
ALLI: Then you're not invited either."
Me: "But I have to go!!! It's my bestest friends babyshower in the whole wide world."
ALLI: "Actually she's your neighbor's friend, and you were only invite because you grabbed the neighbor's invite out of her hand when Preggo was secretly trying to give her one on the sly."
Me: Details, details! Anyway, I got an invite and I am going."
ALLI: So, what mui-mui do you plan on wearing, fat girl.
Me: Alli, This is not a mui-mui, it's a party dress!"
ALLI: Really, very interesting... Looks like Laura Ashley barfed up a vase of flowers on a table cloth to me."
Me: You're just mad because you're not invited."
ALLI: "Oh, I'm invited be-oitch."
Me: "Um, no you're not. You HAVE to have an invitation. It's one person per invitation and I've got the invitation."
ALLI: "It's on."
Me: "Anyway, you know how you get, when I eat. You get all jealous and ALWAYS start a scene! I just can't handle that today!!"
ALLI: "Better wear brown, sista."
Me: "Oh ALLI, it's going to be WONDERFUL!! There's gonna be punch, and cake, and cookies, and cake, and probably easter candy (I pray), and cake. I can't wait." (I say, as I twirl around the room in my lovely party dress and flop on the bed with a dreamy look on my face.)
ALLI: "You really need to get that check up from the neck up."
My son: (Standing outside the door eavedropping) "Mom, are you ok? I thought I heard you talking to someone."
So based on the way ALLI was acting, I thought it'd be best to take a little break for the weekend. (And the fact that the place where I park it, is starting to get very sore from all the action!) So I put ALLI away in a safe place. (Hog-tied with a hanky stuffed in her mouth in the closet.)
Weight Lose as of today -2 pounds....oh well.
Edited to add: Guess who stopped up the toilet at the party, even though she didn't bring HER friend... Ah, long live the curse of ALLI!
Mar 20 2008, 01:59 PM - I've had to break up with ALLI after 5 days. I was losing ALL my friends due to the toxic fumes following me around..Still ALLI reaches her cold dead hand from the grave and grabs me by the colon from time to time...
Good Night Mary! How long does it take to get ALLI out of my system? My body is not designed to 'go' everyday!!!
BTW total weight loss after 5 days of ALLI and constant cheating .8 lbs.Maybe I will give her another shot again next week. I'm a glutton for punishment.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
So imagine my overwhelming joy when McCain announced the he has chosen Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, former Beauty Queen, Mother of 5, Total Hot Babe and WEARS SENSIBLE GLASSES, as his choice of Vice President of the United States of America!!! (Cue up the marching bands here, and release the tickertape and patriotic balloons.)
Check out that HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, that's not really him, but it sure looks ALOT like him!
(In this picture she's saying, "I love you all, now pay your damn taxes!)
It's so good to know that in times of like these (aka severe ecomonomic depression, high inflation, and rising unemployment) we can rely onVP Palin to do her part to boost the economy!
Kill her own meat WHILE entertaining the kids!!
(Hey Guys, it's called MULTI-TASKING!! Ya'll should try it!!
Fish for healthy meal ideals!! While ridding the ocean of ugly fish who might scare off the whales and baby seals!!
OK, I am praying this ones a photoshop, it's just too wrong to wear a bathing suit like that when you're in the Oval Office. (Or should we call it the Ovary Office!)
Here's Hilary's reaction when she heard the Sarah Palin was going to be the vice President AND had a hot body!!
(She's saying, "This is YOUR fault Obama!!")
So, in conclusion, I just like you all to know my opinion of the New Vice President (in waiting) of the Unites States of America!!!
On to the ALLI!
Me and ALLI go to CVS, ...love is never having to day you're sorry
Mar 13 2008, 08:37 AM - Whoever said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" never met ALLI.Last night I had to go to CVS. Why? Because I married a crippled man. His ankle is the size of a melon right now, but he's "ok". Yea, whatev, so me and ALLI had to go get Hop-a-long Cassidy some Aleve and Bengay.
Those of you who know me, also know I love me some chocolate and Easter is my FAV_O_RITE time of year. What with all the chocolate bunnies, chocolate marshmallow eggs, and the one and true shining gift from our heavenly father...(cue the angels and harp music) Cadberry Eggs!!! I would absolutely throw my mother under a bus for a Cadberry Egg. As a treat to myself for resisting all those chocolate bunnies each year, I always treat my self to 1 (8) Cadberry Eggs.
So last night, someone apparently alerted CVS that I was on my way there, so they strategically placed a huge display of that delicious goodness front and center in the store (Aisle 4 in the back of the store, on the middle left hand shelf, tell 'em SouthernChickie sent ya!) just to tempt me!!So me and ALLI get a basket and start shopping...
Me: Yea! Cadberry Eggs!!
Me: I can have just one Cadberry Egg!
Me: Aw come on! It's my treat to myself!
ALLI: You already treated yourself for this year back at Wal-mart on Feb 15th when you ate that 1st Cadberry Egg right after Valentine's Day as a treat for only eating one pound of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
Me: Hmmm.... I don't remember that one?
ALLI: Your huge butt does.
Me: OK, I'll just have one and that'll be it.
Me: (whining) But chocolate is good for my health...
ALLI: I said NO!
Me: P_L_E_A_S_E!!(jumping up and down flailing arms..)
ALLI: Absolutley Not! Now get back in the cart and stop throwing a tantrum.
Me: (on the floor, throwing a tantrum) Just one!!!!! I only want one!!!!
ALLI: I swear to you when I get you home...
Me: (wailing) I_WANT_A_CADBERRY_EGG!!!!!!!!!!!
ALLI: Have I told you lately how much I love those jeans?
Me: (Getting off the floor, dusting off) Nevermind.
Lady at Cash Register: Ma'am, who are you talking too?
So we get home, and doctor up the gimp, er I mean husband, with our exotic cures. (Ben-Gay and Aleve). After a bit he was feeling much better, so he turns to me and says,"Hey Tennis is not on TV tonight and there's about to be a commercial on Spanish Soccer, you wanna"?
ALLI: No thanks.
ALLI: Nope, you misbehaved at the store and now you can't have any treats. (and punches me in the gut.)
Me: Ouch! that hurts! (curls into the fetal position.)
ALLI: Love hurts, get over it.
Me: I hate you ALLI!
Husband: um...whose ALLI?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Husband: Nevermind, the commercial's over anyway.
Mar 14 2008, 09:31 AM - So I totally quit the "new phone company" for another job because this new place serves free breakfast on Friday. Yeah, new place!!
And when I say, they serve breakfast, I mean that it's like the Shoney's Breakfast Bar of our childhood! Hello Biscuits, Grits and Gravy!!!! This morning, when me and ALLI drug our dreary selves from our warm little bed to face a new day, we (ALLI) decided that we'd eat a little sumthing sumthing before we left home to take the edge off. So I had ONE POPTART, because we ALL know that although the Pop-tart demons shove 2 of those little suckers in a non-resealable pouch, THAT ONLY ONE POP-TART is a serving, and has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, yada, yada. So we ate a pop-tart, and went on our merry way to work. (I drove, ALLI rode shotgun.)
When we got to work, we saw the same nervous caterer that we had last week was catering our grub. (Think thin, nervous and watching, always watching...) I find it hard to trust a thin caterer, but hey who am I to judge. Since the guy was watching each employee INTENTLY as they piled the delicious yumness of breakfast goodies on our plates, I only felt obligated to get a healthy dose of a little of everything...
Me: Yeah!! Bagels.
Me: Hot dang! Grits!!
ALLI: Not happening tubby.
Me: I'm getting some grits, evil one!
ALLI: OK,OK, but don't pile it with sugar how about it!!
Me: Fruit? Who eats freaking fruit for breakfast?
ALLI: Get the fruit!
Me: You ain't the boss of me!
ALLI: I said, GET THE &*^% FRUIT!!
Me: (frantically waving a piece of bacon.) Bacon!?! Got lots of protein!!
ALLI: And lots of fat!!
Me: Kewl, biscuits!!
ALLI: Not Kewl, don't touch!
Me: And, I'll have a teensy weensy bit of gravy over my biscuit!
ALLI: Yea, 3 heaping spoonfuls of gravy is NOT teensy weensy.
Me: Butta!! It's for my grits.
ALLI: Yea, you're gonna be hating life in about 20 mins.
Co-worker: Who are you talking to, SouthernChickie?
So me and ALLI and some of gurlfriends grab a table, right near the buffet table. (cause you never know when you might need to get up and grab another biscuit!) We eat and chat, eat and gossip, eat and talk about our weekend plans... All the while, I am gabbing, grabbing and stuffing, I see ALLI getting madder and madder....
About 15 mins into my munchfeast, ALLI finally has had enough!!!
ALLI: Bathroom, NOW!!!!!
Me: Hey girls, sorry but I really have to run (aka have the runs)!!! Gotta go, like RIGHT NOW!!!
Co-worker: Hey Crazyazz, grab me another bisuit while you're up!
Me: (Running like my hair was on fire to the bathroom) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Christy @ Mar 14 2008, 08:59 AM - The question is........Did you make it??? lol
Me: Barely! and my pants we already have way off by the time I skidded into the stall at 90mph..BTW - As of today, I have only lost 1 freaking pound!! and most of my dignity.
Mom2Four @ Mar 14 2008, 01:06 PM -Oh yeah... has it made you ... eh hem ... gassy??? It sure has me, and earlier, I was a little gassy in Target, and well, I was afraid to let it out...
Me: Let's just put it like this......the entire office was huddled in the hallway, with their noses covered and their heads down. I walked out to make a copy (aka stare longingly at the candy machine) and asked if we were having a tornado drill, and they all just ran screaming out of the building.....go figure?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Anyway, here is an installation of ALLI.
Out to lunch!, Just me and my new gurl ALLI!! (and the rest of my team..)
Mar 12 2008, 08:50 AM - Soooo... my boss just came by and informed me that he wants to take the team out to lunch. Wee! oh wait!!!What about ALLI? I can't possibly leave her behind (hee hee), so I guess I'll be taking her with me. I mean, hey, after all she's been so good to me. Lost 3 lbs already with her help. Thanks ALLI!
Even though I did spend yesterday evening with my buttcheeks clinched together like a Baptist Minister in a New York Bathhouse! Not that anything happened, but my paranoia did get the best of me yesterday. I was feeling kind of rumbly in the tummy.
Guess what? Me and ALLI ate a pop-tart for breakfast (Oh heck, who am I kidding we ate 2!) Why do they stick 2 dang pop-tarts in a foil pack that IS NOT reclosable and then tell you that only one pop-tart is a serving anyway? I always feel obligated to eat both pop-tarts so the left over pop-tart won't be lonely without it's buddy. Anyway, I had to throw out a stale pop-tart this morning because apparently my 11 yr old reads labels and only ate 1 pop-tart. Little Minx You!
Fortunately for me, ALLI did not attack me for eating the 2 pop-tarts.........YET!!!Anywho, I digress.
So, me and ALLI and the coworkers are going to lunch to celebrate some random co-worker's birthday. I can only hope that ALLI behaves and doesn't show her a$$ today like her label keeps telling me she might.People, I do this for you. More details (Did I just mention tails?) after lunch!
Mar 12 2008, 02:47 PM - Sorry I didn't get to ya'll sooner with an update on what happened a lunch, but me and ALLI just had a huge fight in the bathroom. Huge, explosive...
It really started at lunch, she and I had decided that we were going to split our meal, but then she didn't want ANYTHING that I had ordered.
It went down like this:
Me: Hey, the burgers really look good here.
ALLI: Yea, we'll have the salad.
Me: Um, no we won't. You can't tell me what to do!!
ALLI: Hey, why don't we compromise?
Me: OK, how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with Fries?
ALLI: How about not? We need to order the salad.
Me: OK, then how about the Buffalo Chicken Wrap.. with a salad?
ALLI: How about a grilled chicken salad?
Me: Alli, come on, I'm really hungry and you're making me split the dish with you!!
ALLI: You're fat. Eat the salad.
Me: OK, we're having the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad!!
ALLI: You'll regret it.
My Boss: Who are you talking to?
Me (to waitress): We'll have the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with 1,000 island please. Bring extra.
ALLI (to waitress): Fat Free Ranch please.
Waitress (to me): Alrighty, that's a Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a salad with extra 1,000 island.
ALLI: (With a death stare.)Just wait. It's about to hit the fan.
So we ate, and it was good. Really Good!! Then I got the brilliant idea of celebrating a co-workers birthday by ordering the triple chocolate, double decker cake with ice cream, and 6 spoons.
Me: But, I need it! It's chocolate.
ALLI: Back away from the spoon!!
So being the adult I was, (and the fact that my guts was rumbling like I have a T-Rex trying to escape), I compromised with ALLI and didn't eat the cake. Oh but that wasn't good enough for ALLI!! Oh Heck no! She was PO'd and when ALLI gets mad, somebody's gonna pay.
She waited until we got back to work, the she was all like "Meet me in the bathroom NOW!!!" I was like, "You ain't the boss of me.", and then she was like, "Hey, I really like your jeans, I'd hate for something bad to happen to them."
So I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, ALLI would just not let up. It was like she exploded! It just about killed me.
ALLI: Didn't I tell you to order the dang salad?
Me: But ALLI, I am sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hurt me..
ALLI: Next time, atleast order the fat free ranch.
Me: Yes Ma'am. Lesson learned.
Woman in the next stall: Who are you talking to?
Anyway, it's true. Don't eat fat and take ALLI. After our little bathroom discussion, I feel ok now, but I will NEVER cross her again, EVA!
So when I posted this originally, I got some support, and then I also got nasty quotes from be-oitches... Here are some:
QUOTE (Dumb Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These posts are quite humorous.However, I just dont get the point of taking Alli. I mean, if you cant resist the fat/bad foods while taking something that will make you physically sick then how do you propose to do this in the future without the pill?
My Response to her:
You apparently don't remember the epilady. Pain is gain. I have lost and gained thousands of pounds during my life. It SO much more fun to diet (or pretend that I am dieting and then cheat) than it is to workout. I mean what's so amusing about a proper diet and exercise? Nothing.
QUOTE (Supportive Be-oitch@ Mar 12 2008, 02:35 PM)
These stories are so funny. Are you and Alli having dinner together tonight?
My Response to her:
Yep, I laid out some ground beef for dinner, because I like to live on the edge. (yum, grease!) ALLI is saying she wants me to eat that salad I have in the fridge. We'll probably compromise again, cause that's what friendship (love) is all about.
Mar 12 2008, 06:40 PM
Me and ALLI made it home ok. Luckily. She's usually ok in the car if I have a good oldies station playing and the window rolled down, and I don't stop at Race Track for a snickers and Big Gulp.
I just started cooking and downed a salad so I wouldn't be tempted to made her mad at me again.I do have to tell you this though. I was feeling just a little gassy, and I thought what the hey, let's let it all hang out. Cause you know that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it.....
So anyway, I let a few rip, and I swear I thought ALLI had done ruined my jeans (like she said she would). So all the way home, I'm praying, please Lord, don't let it be true! and I was feeling a little...swishy.. But after 30 minutes of driving down the road in a hot panic, I got home and realized it was only a false alarm. Thank You Lord!!
Yes, friends, this concludes another exciting episode of the ALLI Chronicles. Only one more exciting episode (or maybe 2, can't remember.) and then I have to come up with something new again, DAMN!