Wednesday, December 22, 2004

God is Great! God is Good!

Got my Christmas shopping done...FINALLY!!!! Boss is out of the office this morning. My amazingly irritating co-worker (earringed Elvis) is whistling Christmas Carols. I swear if I find a room big enough I will choke the crap out of him, and hide his putrid flaccid body in the room. He also has a mean case of flem going from his recent cold. So he is whistling, singing, blowing--the ultimate in digustion...

All my relatives made it into town last night. Yeah, they are lots of fun, and I can't wait to "get the party started".

Cheerio, you grit eaters....

Monday, December 20, 2004

Dangit!! It's Monday again!!

Well the honey had to go to his mom's house last Thur to help her move out of it. It's official now, she sold the house, and now she lives with us! Yeah and Boo! Yeah, because she is an OCD housecleaner and great cook, Boo, because she calls me about a million times a day at work to tell me random things like, "You only have 10 boxes of Kleenex and 15 rolls of toilet paper in the house!" or "Hey the church called, and some recording came on, I forgot what it said." ARG!!!

Anyway, my husband was gone for the weekend, which I thought would suck, but incredibly it WAS GREAT!!!! The kids helped with the housework, (I didn't even have to hold a knife to their throats to get them to help!), I got a lot of shopping done, a lot of wrapping done, a little bit of relaxing done.. It was heaven... But he's coming home today, so that's good too.

What else... My arch enemy (enema) the co-worker was out sick for 2.5 days last week. That was also heavenly. No bragging, no lying, no bad hairdos, cheap left earrings... But he's back today, in rare form as usual.

Still looking for a job. Had 2 interviews last week. One was great but the pay was LOW, the other one, they want me to travel EVERY WEEK Sun thru Fri.. Darn, Darn, Darn. Just can't win.

My existing job (hell) STILL HAS NOT MANAGED to put the order that I turned in on Nov 6 into the system. Crapheads!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

What goes around comes around..

So after bitchin and whining about bad drivers only 2 days ago. It came back to haunt me. I was driving like Helen Keller yesterday. As I spent the day pulling out in front of other cars, running red lights, and avoiding near death car crashes. I realized that I ain't go no room to talk about other people's driving!!

Today is our office Christmas Party. Oh joy, can't wait.. Starts at 1pm at a dark depressing bar. Should be a real swinging time.. It may be cancelled because there's a chemical leak nearby where the bar is. THAT WOULD SO MAKE MY DAY!!!

Anyway I have a job interview today after the party. I pray that I will get this job. I gotta get out of the hellhole that I work at, before I go completely nuts..

I will pray that the Lord either gives me strength or gets me out. You pray for me too, please.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I ain't a mornin person, fer sure..

So when I was on my way to work this morning, some idiot pulled out in front of me.......again! This will make the 4th near collision that I have nearly had in the past 24 hours. I was meaning to come in and rant and rave about it in this post, but here is it after lunch. And, I have my full daily requirement of caffeine in my body, and now I am calm.

I believe that people drive really bad at the holidays. They drive bad because they are suddenly in a rush. Why I don't know... Heck Christmas has been oming on the same day for the past 2004 years, it ain't like it suddenly snuck up on everybody! I also believe that some of the worst drivers in the entire world reside in Atlanta. I'd like to give a shout out particularly to all the soccer moms located along the 400 corridor.

Whenever I get on 400, I just automatically gun it. I gun it because I know that if I don't then I will be ran over by some old lady in a Hummer doing 90, trying to get Junior to his soccer game on time. She's late to the game because, she had to pick up Daddy's dry cleaning, scream at the nanny, go have her nails done, go to the gym for yoga, then all top of all that she had to have lunch with the girls!! Man, life is SO CHAOTIC when you're rich!

BTW- the speed limit on 400 is 80. That's the minimum speed limit, the maximum limit is determined by however fast you can get your car to go, or the a-hole in front of you driving slow as molasses in the left hand lane.

As a note of interest, my male co-worker who spends 8 full hours a day with his nose up the bosses butt (somebody get me a cross bar please!), is now sporting his Diamonelle earring in his left ear FULL TIME. Soooo attractive with those army issue eyeglasses and that pompadour hairdo, buddy. I bet all the welfare moms want you now!

Monday, December 13, 2004

Red Neck Weddings or How's Your Mom an Dem

So I was invited to the social event of the season. (I use "The" and "Social Event" very loosely. ) I fixed up (i.e. - hooked up for sex...) 2 people in my neighborhood.

I NEVER meant for the dum dum's to get married!?!?! Ok, so I am a floozy of the most obviously sort. When I found out that a cute single guy was moving into my hood, I trounced my self over there to get a better look. (And to scope him out for my single girlfriends.) He was every bit the hottie that I had heard he was. Bought the nicest 2 story in our hood, on a full basement! He's in the military and never been married! (Can you say, "SECURE PAY, and NO BAGGAGE?!?!)

So he's all good, just needed to pick my most worthiest girlfriend for the hook up, er I mean "fix up"!

So my dumb other neighbor, who is a housewife with a really bad afro, was going thru a divorce. Seems her hubby was leaving her for a much younger, supposedly less clingy piece of A. So my afro neighbor, who never had time to even say hello before, is suddenly knocking on my door, ALL THE TIME! I go to the door, she's got her 3 snot nosed brats with her, and she's bawling and taking on about "That sorry son of a bitch"! Like I want to hear all that..

So anyway, in a weak moment (VERY WEAK), I made the mistake of saying, "Hey I met this guy who just moved in..." Well, honey LET ME TELL YOU!! That's all it took, til the black widow put the web out to catch her man!

Called him on a Sunday, Met him on a Monday, and again on Tuesday, then went out on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday... well, you get the picture!! So anywho, about 3 dates later, she comes up to my door covered in hickeys from boots to chin saying, "I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to (insert name here)!"

And a year later, she getting married. Not that I hate her or anything, but the second he said, "I do." He just got really ugly and married looking. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd never mess around on my Prize, but dang - it sure was nice seeing Mr. Single working in his yard with that shirt off!

Now that he's married to the "fro", she'll be feeding him, and fattening him up. She'll make him wear a shirt all the time, so when we do get a glimpse of the former "hunk of burning love", we'll just be looking at the same old thang that we got a home. Just another chubby, pastey, farmer's tan, married guy.

Damn her, she ruined my eye candy. Oh well, her house will be for sale soon, so if you're single and hot.... she owes me one!!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Trailer Parks and Tornadoes

So it's raining today. Not just raining, but BIG TIME raining. with lightning, thunder and tornadoes. I hear that there's been tornadoes in Louisiana and Alabamie both.

So tell me.... why are trailers so popular in the south? There are absolutely everywhere here in the south. I go out west and north on occasion and NEVER EVER see any kinds of trailers. What is up with that?

Here's my trailer park philosophy. Poor people and miserable people buy trailers. They buy trailers and move them to places that are prone to tornadoes. Why? Because they are unhappy and smart. I say that they are unhappy because they buy these ugly boxes to live in and move them to locations that will more than likely be annihilated by a tornado. I say the they are smart because, they know that if they get hurt or killed, that someone in their family will inherit money. I know this because I grew up poor.

When I was growing up, it didn't matter if there was a crumb to eat in the entire house and the lights were being turned off for non-payment. My grandmother always made sure to pay her insurance premiums. She didn't just have insurance on herself, but ALL her kids and other random relatives. She also had Accidental Death and Dismemberment (AD&D)

I always thought that she had all those insurance premiums because she was lonely and just wanted to be able to count on the insurance guy to come see her every month and collect them premiums. (Kind of like an escort service, but without the sex!)

But now, I am sure that she did it because she was smart (Very Smart!). Now my grandmother never lived in a trailer, but one of her kids did. (She had a big ole premium on that one.) Now the AD&D came in handy because all my relatives did really risking things, like shooting guns, drinking and driving, and their own auto-repairs (every hear the story of the engine block falling on uncle Roy, and taking his arm off? Was worth $10,000)

But I digress, back to the Trailer Tribes of the South. Have you ever seen a Trailer Park? They trailers are so close together that when you open your trailer door, it bumps into the trailer in front of it!! Whenever a tornado comes thru a trailer park and wipes out half the population of the park, you can bet your sweet hiney, that those lots will have new (I use the word New very loosely) trailers BACK on them in less than a month.

I remember when I was a teen, I used to think, "I can't wait til I grow up and find me a husband. We will buy us some land, and get us a trailer" I must have been VERY poor or miserable..

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Frank-ly my Dear..

So Frank, it seems that you are my lone ranger. Finally someone acknowledges me. Thank you for the response... I'd blog more if I could figure out how to find my blog quickerly (quicker and quickly - yep, it's really a word.)

So let's talk about them thar New Yorkers!! OK, so I slipped up and married me one. Not just any old northern boy, but a bona-fide, born and raised in Flushing, New Yorker!!

My poor honey is just like a tourist here in the south, even though he's been here for about 10 years now. Every day things, that I take for granted, seem to either fascinate or terrify him.

Take our yard for instance, it's less than an acre of weeds, and trees. In my opinion, we should just get us a goat, and forget about mowing. But our yard is his pride and joy!! He spent more than $1,000 to buy a "yard tractor" with a trailer attached. (Boy - that lawnmower salesman must've seen him coming from a mile away!) Then he NEVER mows the yard, or even allows me to use the "yard tractor" to mow either. He makes me use the neighbor's push mower, because our 2 push mowers don't work, and he afraid that the "yard tractor" will overpower me. (And what! try to mow the neighbor's yard, or make out with our cars?!?!) He is also so proud of our little acre. He tells me all the time, how he always wanted acreage. (haha!-acreage?!?)

Animals - Another NY oddity. He is terrified of possums, cows, horses, snakes and bumblebees. He freaks out every time a bee gets within 3 yards of him! He flaps his arms all over the place like he is having a grand mal seizure.

Possums are another source of husband entertainment. We had one that loved to hang out on our porch and eat cat food every night. One night, my husband decided to take back the porch! So my husband waited in the dark for the possum to appear, and when the little critter strolled up for his evening meal, my husband jumps out of the shadows and screams like a banshee, while waving a kitchen broom over his head. That poor possum damn near had a heart attack right on the spot!! Once little possum, regained his wits, my husband starts poking him with the broom handle. NEVER POKE A POSSUM!! That possum was sooo pissed off, he starts ambling toward Mr. Poker, snarling and spitting with his hackles raised.

Finally my husband, drops the broom and runs for dear life back into the house. (I wish I'd been quicker, I would have locked the door, and left him out there with that possessed possum) Once the husband got back into the house, (and interestingly enough, locked the door, so the possum wouldn't open the door and try to get him) he asked me why that possum got so mad. All I said was, "I dunno, rabies?"

Anyway, I love that man and he makes me laugh so much with his crazy ways. I just hope that some time during our lives together that he'll quit talking so fast and learn to love grits..

Monday, December 06, 2004

What happened to the end of November

Mercy! I just turned around and November was gone. So how was my Thanksgiving you ask? Well let me tell you... I did cook everything but the meat and dressing ahead of time. Still worked my hiney off to get that done. Planned to eat at 2, ate at 4 instead. (This is a good time, considering my honey was in charge of the turkey, and slept late.)So it was a pretty good day except for 1 little thing....

As you may know (or not know) my poor little niece lives with me. She is 14 and has had the worst life ever. She had called her dad (Idiot, Lazy, Useless) who is my younger brother, 2 weeks before T-day to make sure to invite him to Thanksgiving. He said that he would be there, no problem. She called him again couple of times during the week, TO MAKE SURE HE WAS COMING.. She then called him again at 11am on Thanksgiving Day, just to MAKE SURE ONCE AGAIN THAT HE WOULD BE THERE!!!

And do you think that the little bastard showed up!?!? HELL NO!! Not only did he not bother to show up, (Even after she had told him how much it would mean to her that he come, and about all the stuff she was cooking for him on this day!) but he also wouldn't answer the calls that she placed EVERY 30 MINUTES to his cell phone when he didn't show up. So about 7pm, I was totally fed up with her sad face, and everyone else asking her, "Where's your Daddy, Thought he was coming." So I called all the numbers he gave me and cussed him out on every answering machine that would pick up.

I left him a vile message at his work. (Which my Dad heard, and let everyone there also hear!) and also left him a scathing message on his cellphone.

Low and Behold! Dear little Daddy called back within 5 (Yep, you heard it right!) minutes after receiving my voicemail, to say he was on his way. Ok, so this is a 100 mile trip from his house to mine. How long do you think it took his dumbass to get to my house after calling? 4 HOURS!!!! He must have went thru China for all I know.

His excuse?!? He told my niece/his kid that he had been sick for 2 weeks, and that was why he was late. (Huh?) 2 weeks, and you never mentioned it before now?

So MEN OF THE WORLD, I have to ask. Why are most of you such crappy fathers/boyfriends/husband's?!? Please tell me, I'd really like to know!! Sometimes I am such a MAN-HATER.

Nothing else much happened. I hate to be such a SUPER-BITCH, but I really hate to see people I love in pain, especially when the person causing the pain is also someone I love. (or used to until Thursday anyway..)

Also for all you guys out there, let this be a lesson. DON'T EVER MESS WITH A MOMMY. We'd just a soon kill your ass, than to let you hurt children.

Have a great week, maybe I will be more proactive in my updates! Ciao'

Monday, November 29, 2004

Holiday Time in NYC

So I am setting aroung the tube Sun afternoon, relaxing because ALL the brats and mom-in-law were GONE! Nope, I didn't kill 'em and hide the bodies in the cellar. It just so happened that every last one of them had a plan. The best 5 hours that I've spent in a while!!

Well, I actually cleaned house and did laundry for 3 of the WONDERFUL hours, but anywho.. I was lazing around the TV, when all of a sudden the Christmas tree (THE WONDROUS TREE) of Rockefeller Center(NYC) flashed across the TV during some sappy Lifetime show. I actually got to see the lighting of the Tree at Rockefeller back in 2000 with my VERY southern (and hot) sister-in-laws. I was single back then, and we had the BEST TIME. They both are the epitome of Southern Belles. (Blonde, Slim, and a Southern Drawl that lasts for days.) Anyway, we all spent the week, just shopping, and walking around Broadway and loving every minute of good old NYC.

My sister-in-laws are so friendly and chatty, they met people every where they went. (All the NYC guys were absolutely falling at their feet, it was so much fun!)

I just love NYC, I'd live right in the heart of Manhatten if I could, I'd never drive a car again!! I'd live on the 4th story of a old brownstone walk up if I could.

Ofcourse I hear NYC is so much MORE GLAMOROUS if you don't actually live there. Never hurts to dream a little, does it?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

The Trees and Thanksgiving

So on I-20 into work this morning, I happened to glance over to the trees. SPECTACULAR!!! Crimson, Yellow, Orange. I was in the ATL and but it seemed that I was driving thru a scene from a greeting card.

Ok so on to Thanksgiving - I already cooked, haha to you all. Ofcourse I made my little slaves help me in the kitchen. Already in the Fridge for tomorrow--Squash Casserole, Green Bean Caserole, Potatoe Souffle, Cranberry Relish, Pecan, Pie, Lemon Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Cheesecake, Caramel Cake.

Only thing to make tomorrow is: Dressing (Doing the Stove TOP per my hubbies request!) Rolls (Frozen) and Gravy. The teen is in charge of making her famous Iced Tea and Deviled Eggs. (Everyone fights over those eggs!) And Hubby has Ham and Turkey Duty. Yippie Yippie!! So tomorrow will be fun and most importantly RELAXING!! (Am I domestic GODDESS or what!?!)

Neighbor and Friends are coming over to eat and visit, so we are thankful for that. Just need to round up some chairs and tables....

I wonder if my grownup kids will show. I love my daughter to death, but she has a responsibility to be at her dad's, and I hate to have her feel obligated to be at my house. Then there's my son, he usually shows up around the holidays and his birthday to start "greasing the money makers" for future gifts. So it's a wait and see with those 2.

Being a Mom to grown ups is so wierd. Maybe I should have waited until I was ACTUALLY old enough to have kids..

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I wish I was

I wish I was one of them singers that you see on the Gospel Shows, late at night. You know the one. She's the chick that clutches the microphone and a hankerchief in one hand, while she is swording fighting heaven with her other hand. She's so loud and so good that she doesn't even really need the microphone. All during the song, she's jumping about and wailing "Amens!" all over the place. It's like the song is being pulled out of her body by force. I call that the "Come to Jesus Singer".

I would give almost anything to be that singer. I'd be in the front of church every Sunday belting one out! I hear that in the bible is says, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord".

I try to, but every time I open my mouth, it sounds like a kitten is being tortured.

Wonder what my talent is?

Friday, November 19, 2004


I am sooo glad that Friday's is here. Joan of Arcadia at 8, baby!! I have only one Mommy moment planned for the entire weekend, then it's off to the joys of laundry and housework. Oh damn, I forgot I do have to shop for Thanksgiving Dinner. Still I am glad it's Friday, even if my life sucks.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

What the heck!?!?!

Ok, so I skipped out on the Blog yesterday.. No, I am not having an affair with another Blog, just got busy... Today is National Overuse...Your...Periods...In...Sentences...Day... I've created this day myself.. And proclaim myself as Queen for the rest of this holiday...

I HAVE got to find a new job. I am at 85% of quota, and the only person in the office with anything, ANYTHING I TELL YOU!!! on the board for the month. But what does my boss do?? Pull me into his office and says, "Is there any problems that may be affecting your job? Is there something that I should be worried about?" "You just haven't been on top of your game for the past 2 weeks."

What I really wanted to say was, "Well, I have 3 kids, a husband, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a mother-in-law at home. All of which need to be fed, entertained, cleaned up after, took to the doctor/dentist/you name it and hauled to church, dance, piano lessons, and work.

Also, I am not sure if you heard but my father-in-law died about 2 weeks ago and now I have to deal with my husband's and mother-in-laws grief from that.

In addition, I am going thru menopause, do you know what MENOPAUSE is buddy?!?

And I think that I am coming down with some new form of the damn plague, my body hurts, my head is aching, I have a fever and my damn nose is pouring out snot like the Mississippi.

But instead I just sweetly wiped my drippy nose on my sweat soaked sleeve and said, "No, why would you say that?"

I evidently forgot to fill out a column on one of the 5 friggin reports that I have to send in every week. OH KILL ME, BURN ME AT THE STAKE!!!!!

Give me break.. I really should start back drinking, you know. People were a lot easier to deal with when I was in a vodka induced fog.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Oh the Insanity!!! and Mominlaw

OK, so yesterday was a bad rant on the co-worker. I take it all back. It's just me, not him.

So I was late for work this morning. Luckliy so was the boss. When I got in, he was standing at someone's cube shooting the breeze, holding his briefcase. Yesterday I beat him into the ofc by a full hour. I am such a slacker. I couldn't leave this house this morning until I heard a full report of all the body aches and pains that my mother-in-law was having.

Mominlaw is living with us now. It'll be a week this week. I feel sorry for her, her husband of 40 something years died on 11/6. She is completely lost without him. At the age of 73, she has NEVER been in charge of her own life. She went straight from her father's house into marriage. Sp she has spent her entire life waiting hand and foot on others.

A little bit about Mominlaw. She is Arabic. (I'm Southern, hubbie's from NewYork. It's an interesting house we have.) She was born in Jordan, rasied in Lebanon. She is one of 11 children, only 3 of them girls. Now, in the middle eastern culture, women are "More priceless than Rubies" but they also spend their entire catering to the men in their family. (Scrubbing, cooking, cleaning, having babies, etc..) Mominlaw's own mother died when she was 18 yrs old. Mominlaw was the 4th of all the children (I believe), and her youngest brother was only 7 yrs old. So Mominlaw immediately became the "Lady of the house". This was in the 1950's.

Shortly after the death of the Mother, Mominlaw and the family moved to New York City. All the oldfer brother's set about finding fabulous jobs and beautiful wives, while Mominlaw quietly raised the younger children, scrubbed the floors, cooks the meals, and did the laundry.

Mominlaws big act of rebellion was going out to get a job at the Loew's Movie Theatre when she was 26 years old. Mominlaw worked in the theatre as a cashier/ticket-taker.

She told me that after working their for some time, that she met a handsome English man in a coffee shop once day when she was on her break from Loew's. Well, this handsome young man found out where she worked, and followed her back to the theatre. 3 Months later he became her husband.

At this time, she was close to 30, all the younger kids were raised, and the most of the brother's had by then found wives. So at that time, they had no more use for Mominlaw's services by then. This all occurred after the brothers had turned down 3 marriage proposals that were offered up to Mominlaw. (Evidently back during this time, Arabic men saw the woman, determined that they liked her, then made an offer of marriage to the men in the house. Oh the romance of it all!) The brothers had turned down previous suitors for the following reasons, "Too tall, not rich enough, and I can't even recall the other lame reason."

Anyway, I am telling you the Mominlaw story to let you know how respressed and lost this poor woman is. She speaks Arabic, English, French, Italian and Hebrew fluently. She is 73 yrs old, and still sharp as a tack. She is brilliant!! She has spent her entire lift waiting on others, and now at the age of 73, she finally can focus on herself. I'd love to see her just fly the coop!! Have a little fun, travel, blow her inheritance....but so far nothing.

Time will tell, I suppose. I hope, I hope for her.

Monday, November 15, 2004

The CoWorker from Heck

Ok, so then there's the new guy who sits next to me.. He tries to make like he's "The Over Achieving Young Hip Salesman of the Year". Let me tell you the poor guy drives a car to work that looks like he stole it from a crack-addicted welfare mom. (Big, old, dirty, dented and got "My child is a honor roll student at (insert school here)" bumper sticker.

This guy has the gray Elvis bouffant hair going, and wears a wife-beater under his thin little cotton dress shirts. In addition, he has his ear pierced 2 times on the left side, and once on the right. (Thankfully he doesn't sport the earrings here at the office.) He just looks nasty!

He also makes a point of talking as loudly as possible when conducting business on the phone, even standing up in his cube, so his voice projects loud and clear. Yep, I really need 8 hours of day of you screaming in my ear from your cube-hole across the way here, buddy!! Also the guy brags on and on about his sales prowness. I, ofcourse, oblige the fool by appearing to be in utter awe and adoration of his "vast knowledge of sales', while silently shooting eye darts into his heart.

Oops, I just heard him pass gas at his desk while on the phone, yuk,yuk, yuk. n-a-s-t-y b-o-y.

Anywho back to me ranting about "Larry the Sales Lizard", he just constantly brags about EVERYTHING!!!! His past sales, his future sales, his clothes, his motorcycle (which I found out he doesn't even own!) his contacts (his favorite thing to brag about.). A word about his contact list, I can pull any name out of my hiney, and he will say, "I know them!" Plu-eeze, give me a break.

OK, so I am not a sales person, but I have had the opportunity to work with the heavy hitters in my time, and this poor guy just ain't it..

Look, I know that I sound like a total be-atch raving about this guy, but jeepers what a creep he is. Atleast he is so busy buttlicking the boss all day, that he keeps the boss busy patting him on the head, instead of bitching at me.

Hey wait a minute!?!? I should be GRATEFUL!! So here's a Budweiser for you, Larry the Sales Lizard!!! You make the day a little more interesting!

Seriously, my profile says that I am trying to be Christian, but I am far from perfect and do have my rants. I am sure that when I die, God will open my Blog, go over all the trash I wrote, then ask for an explanation. I will have ALOT of explaining to do!

Anyway Church is not a Hotel for Saints, but a Hospital for Sinners! Can I get a AMEN?!?!?

It's me, It's me

Soooo,,,,, hhhheeeerrreee I am! A BLOG, A BLOG, a wonderful blog, everyone thinks it's slinky!! Ha ha not funny I know. So here I sat all broken work. I am in Sales, got no prospects, can't cold call, hate what I sell, wondering when the boss will see right though me and show me the door. Til he does, I will sit here at my little desk, in a dumpy office, hidden in the darkest hood in Atlanta, and type my little heart out here in my BRAND NEW BLOG!!! Yippie Yippie, pass the liquor!!