Friday, April 29, 2005

Isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

Isn't it ironic - that since our Oil Rich Texan president (that I voted for) has been in office, that gas prices have risen by 50% ??

Isn't it ironic - that the price of eggs has not?

Isn't it ironic - that we're always on a damn diet, and America is fatter than ever?

Isn't it ironic - that some poor girl in Atlanta disappears 4 days before her wedding AND 600 people have RSVP'd? (Honey - I hope they find you safe and sound somewhere.)

Isn't it ironic - That a highschool in Boston is censoring music at an upcoming prom, but no one is addressing the fact that probably half the girls will show up at the prom dressed like porn stars?

Isn't it ironic - that Brad Pitt dumped Gwynth for "earthy girl" Jenn, then dumped Jenn for "nasty girl" Angelina? What's next Brad? Roseanne?

Isn't it ironic - that people in Clayton county GA are flipping out because some poor girl got murdered at a birthday party and are blaming it on school violence? (Don't ya think it might have been something to do with the fact that there were 250 un-supervised teenagers at the party - which was held at someone's home?)

Isn't it ironic - that it's Friday and because I work, I have 2 days worth of laundry, housecleaning and grocery shopping to get done?

Isn't it ironic??

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


So my little one (brilliant 8 yr old) is getting dressed for school as I am running out the door to work. I ask her what shirt she picked out. She says, "I'mm wearing the Iceland t-shirt."

I kinda pause and wonder, "Where did she get a t-shirt from Iceland"?

So I said, "You mean the Artic Bunny t-shirt"?

Her: "No the Iceland t-shirt".

Hmm.. I wonder. "Let me see it please."

"Oh the Island t-shirt"!!! "The S is silent in the Island, huneybuney"!!

That's my girl!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Charity Auction!! Today Only!

Today only, I'll be holding a charity auction to support a cause near and dear to my heart. It's the fight against cellulite. Ok, so it's really not that near my heart, but I, like billions of sufferers, across the earth have been afflicted with this terrible disease.

So here's a list of the items that I will be auctioning off today to support this honorable cause. The auction will be for today only, and all bids start at $1. The highest bidder at the end of the day, will be announced and will IMMEDIATELY recieve their spectacular prizes!

1.) A Christmas Card signed by Elves! - So, you say " You Ain't Nuthin but a Hound Dog", but you'd like to be a "Hunka Hunka Burnin Love"! Then this is the the MUST HAVE card for you!! Yes folks, it's the genuine article!! A Christmas card signed by Elves! So what if it's spelled with an e and not an i, just wave it around quickly in front of your friends faces and then lock it in a drawer. They'll never SEE the difference!! Stand back and watch as they swoon with envy!!

2.) A Picture of Buddha!! - OK, it's really a picture of my husband, but lots of people say he looks exactly like Buddha. Having this picture prominently displayed in your work space or home is sure to bring years good luck and great fortune. (I 'm also willing to throw in genuine article to the highest bidder, for an additional $100. If you are constantly pestered by that friend/co-worker/ significant other who seems to ALWAYS be your in way, then "The Buddha" is just the thing for you!!! Watch as he magically disappears at the 1st sign of housework, yardwork or cranky children!! Be AMAZED to see him VAPORIZE into thin air upon hearing phrases such as, "Does this outfit make me look fat?", "Let's Cuddle." and "Can you help me carry in the groceries?"!!!!! But don't worry, when you're ready for your new best friend/co-worker/significant other to re-appear, all you have to say is, "Dinner's on the table!", "I didn't know the Dolphins were playing today?", or "Oh, is that the last Twinkie?" and he'll re-appear in a FLASH!!

3.) Advertising Space on My Right Palm. - Yep, you heard it right folks!! Actually advertising space on my entire right palm until the ink wears off. I promise to prominently display your ad to anyone who walks up to me, through out the entire day!! AND, I'll keep your ad on my palm til I wash my hands or the ink wears off!!! (ad must be in good taste AND you must supply your own Sharpie to write on my palm)

4.) Paper Papal Pope Hat! (say that really fast 3 times!) - Must see to believe!!! Be the 1st (and only) one in your neighborhood to wear a hat just like the Pope's!! With this hat, all your friends, and enemies are sure to stop you to kiss your hand, AND ask for your blessings and forgiveness all throughout the entire day!! You're sure to grab attention around the office with the marvelous hat!

5.) And lastly!! THIS IS A GROUND FLOOR OPPORTUNITY!!!! So, get it while you can!! It's my Daughter's STRAIGHT A REPORT CARD!!! Imagine the possibilities!! Even though she's only 8, I'm certainly convinced that with grades like these, my little princess is destined to become the FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.!!! Move over Condolezza, my baby's got it in the bag!! Just think, you can buy this report card for small change, yet it could be worth millions in about 50 years from now!!!! OR proudly display this report card at your next family gathering, and watch as your relatives hang their heads in shame,(and caste withering looks at their own useless kids!) as you regal and entertain them with the "Amazing Adventures of your Perfect Imaginary Child!!! All this without the expense and hassle of a wedding and childbirth!!!

Remember this supports a good cause and all proceeds will go toward the purchase of lo-carb snacks for over-nourished people!!

So bid often and bid high, if you want to win!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Yard Work... definitely not for sissies.

My huney is both brilliant and terribly lazy. We have lived in our house for almost 4 years now and I have noticed that every year, the yard just tends to get smaller and smaller.

How does this happen? Glad you asked. See the back part of our lot is wooded. So is one side. The side that we share with our favorite neighbors. They are probably our favorite neighbors because we have a tropical rain forest growing between our houses.

So, every year instead of mowing up close to the woods and rainforest, my darling husband just "forgets" to mow the 3 ft closest to these areas. Thus, our yard is 9 to 12 ft smaller than when we first moved in. Now I was suspious about this, but when I decided to plant a little garden near the woods area, it soon became apparent that my husband was up to an evil plan...

I planted my garden about 6 feet from the woods, about 2 weeks before mowing season started this year. So a couple of weeks later, my huuney goes out and mows the yard, and "Viola", he doesn't mow behind the garden! So now our woods just ate 6 more feet of the yard! I asked him about this and he said." I can't get the lawn mower back there. So just to prove my point, "I go out and weedeat the back 12. (feet closet to the woods and rainforest) and I ask him again, (this time in front of our neighbor, all of us standing by the windows overlooking the woods.) "Why can't you mow behind the garden?"

"I can't get back there." This sends my neighbor into a fit of "soda thru your nose" giggles. (Me too!) And we start commenting on all the things that we can fit thru the space between the garden and woods. A Jeep, A transfer truck, a marching band, a third world country...

So we'll just have to see, what all he mows next time.

Later that day, I decide to tackle the rainforest between the houses. The rainforest is known as "No Man's Land" in our cul de sac. It was designed and installed by some blind, drunk, hack from county services before we moved in. No Man's Land is situated on a down hill slope from the cul de sac and is suppose to serve as a place for rainwater to run off from the cul de sac. There is even a very impressive manhole and drain at the top of the hill in the cul de sac. This is the only impressive part. When you walk down the slope you will see that that drain ends about half way down our properties and the drain empties out into a rock pile , then No Man's Land, which consists of overgrown brush, trees and awful amounts of briars. The neigborhood kids have lost many a ball down the drain, and into No Man's Land. Every once in a while, you'll see a kid down there screaming his lungs out, because he made the fatal mistake of going after a basketball and has become entangled in the briars. I personally have battle No Man's Land many atime to save my little darling's life...

So anyway, seeing that my industrious huney was never going to get around to trimming back No Man's Land, and thinking that we have about a billion dollars worth of basketballs down there, I decided to tackle the mess myself. My tools of destruction were the weedeater, a hedgetrimmer and a dry wall saw. After 3 hours time, I managed to clear a path about 12 feet wide and 10 feet long. I found a red ball, a wiffle ball, a football, and the neighbors secret dirt bike trail. I piled all the brush in a heap at the edge of the yard and had a pile of brush about the size of our guest bedroom. I was quite proud of myself.

I found 2 Mimosa trees in the mess, and decided that I would keep the mimosas in the ground, because they are just about my favorite tree. The only trouble was that, I had this ugly old witchy looking tree that looked about petrified, growing practically on top of one of my Mimosa's.
So I spent about a half an hour trying to saw that crazy tree down with my dry wall saw. I had already sawed about a dozen trees down, so I know that this tree was definitely on some kind of tree steriods.

Finally the next day, the neighbor had to come over with his chain saw and saw that sucker down. His chain saw barely would cut it, and the poor neighbor was just a sweating, and a cussin up a storm. It took about 15 minutes to saw it down. I was so happy!!!

Later that day I began to clear the back part of No Man's Land. This was the worst ordeal of my live. I would rather have my arms and legs chewed off by rats than have to do this again. The back part was just full briars. As I cleared it off, I had to wonder about the first suckers who came to America, and what they thought about the briars as they were trying to clear thier lands, way back when.

Now the briars in No Man's Land are also on steriods. Most of them are more than 9 feet high, and grow on a single stalk. So the briars are basically shaped like a whip, and have the same flex (Not that I'm a expert on whips, mind you!) The only way to cut down the briars were to saw thru them with the drywall saw. I was wearing shorts, big mistake! I had gardening gloves that I paid a dollar for from Target, even bigger mistake!! Every inch of the stalk had briars all over it, so when you are sawing thru the briar it's cutting your hand like a slice of bologna. Once the briar stalk is sawed thru, then you have to pull it from the rest of the man eating plants that are intertwined in the briars. Once the briar stalk is frre, it whips around and inbeds its selve into various parts of your body. Like the back of your leg, your arm, the front of your leg, etc...etc..

So now, I look like I have been in a fight with a bag full of mad cats. After 3 hours of torture, and 1 basketball, 1 soccer ball and a orange hand ball, I finally gave up working in the yard because I was dripping blood from my wounds and attracting flies.

As in the words of our dear Scarlett, "As God is my witness!" "I will conquer No Man's Land!!! Maybe next weekend. So, do me a favor, if I never blog on here again,. would you kindly send a search party out to No Man's Land. Maybe you can even get National Geographic to sponser the trip.......It's that bad!!

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Notebook / A Movie Review

So the movie "The Notebook" is now on DVD. I have heard about this movie since last summer. "Oh, it's the best movie ever!" "I cried my eyes out!" "I saw it 5 times" all these comments were made by young twenty something females.

OK, so I rent the movie and sat down to watch it while the little darlings were at church. I saw about an hour of it, and had to turn it off to go pick up the chillens. So when I got them back home, I asked them if they'd like to also see this movie. They assume that anything on DVD is the best movie ever, so ofcourse they agreed to watch it with me.

I really liked the first hour of the movie. Guy meets Girl. Guy is instantly smitten by Girl. Girl then falls in love with Guy. Life/Parents/Money come between Guy and Girl. So I am watching with the kids, we ain't saying much about what's going on til the sex scene starts up. This is the time when I say the standard, "Sex outside of marriage is BAD!" and "Close your eyes, I'll tell you when you can open them." (Then I usually forgot to tell them to open them, just for meaness.)

Now, I am not going to give away the ending, except to say that even though this is suppose to be some kind of shocker when the story all comes together at the end, I had it all figured out about 30 minutes into the movie. The ending is suppose to be so "touching" that water will pour out of your eyes, until you are knee deep in tears. This didn't happen for me...

Both my daughter and niece (both in their early twenties and both never "seriously" in a relationship, but typical Harlenquin Romance Girls.) just went on and on about that a tear jerker this movie is, and how wonderful it was. When the movie goes off, I look over at the 15 and 16 year olds, and ask them what they thought. They both thought the movie was pretty lame, just like I did.

Now I am worried that they both are either jaded or don't have hearts. (Like me, but I am excused because I am a old lady, and I've seen all, so I am immune!)

I guess time will tell with those two...but in the meantime, I am glad to know that there not saps.