Monday, August 27, 2007

Eleven 11 Year old Girls at a Slumber Party?


Oh my!!! I barely survived this weekend!!!!!Thank You Lord, for helping me survive this past weekend.. And thank you everyone who gave me good suggestions for how to keep the little prisses entertained.

Just to let you know. 11 year girls don't want to watch movies, they want to DANCE, and SING, LISTEN TO MUSIC, and TALK ABOUT 'iS ZAC EFRON HOT OR NOT' (not hot), and PUT ON FINGERNAIL POLISH, then take it off, and put it back on, and take it off, and put it back on, and PUT ON MAKE-UP, and DO FACE MASKS, over and over and over til their faces are red and raw…oh yea, did I mention AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT?

So, in 24 hours, they devoured a half a sheet cake. (meant to feed between 30 and 50 people.) 4.5 pounds of candy. (They dropped the other half pound on the floor and the dogs ate it and puked it up on the carpet at midnight..) a cookie cake, 6 Papa John's Pizza (PPJ, You RULE!!! And I'd like to apologize to the poor hapless driver who came to our door only to be greeted by 11 screaming, freaking out girls. Sorry dude.) 3 pounds of chips, 36 kool aids drinks, 9 liters of coke, 3 boxes of cereal, gallon of milk, and everything else I didn't nail down or hide.

In 24 hours, we had the following accidents or issues. One girl thinking that a tornado was coming cause it was storming. One kid calling her parents and grandmother at midnight cause everyone was being mean to her. Tears. Fingernail Polish Remover in the eye. (And I forgot to tell the Mom about it the next day, yikes.) Explosive Diarreha (from all that candy I am sure.) Lost cell phone (found it 10mins after panic freak out mode set in.) Whipped Cream in the eyeball. And that's about it.

I learned a lot about my daughter by observing her with her friends, and I learned that girls ARE a lot like their moms. The quiet mom has a quiet daughter. The healthy mom has a health conscious daughter, the prissy mom has a prissy daughter (kid brought 2 purses for a 24 hour sleepover!).

Ofcourse my husband totally hid upstairs (Like a scared puppy) in his room until they all left… hee hee.

They were a good bunch of girls. We are lucky.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Just a little thank you for my employer......

Dear People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company,

Have I not been a good employee? Do I not rush out the door every morning at 5:30, just so I can crawl on a bus for an hour, then take the Marta train for another 20 mins with half a million of my homeys, so that I can be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed every morning?
Now, I knew that you were not one to throw around money when I came to work here, and quickly realized that the policy for ordering office supplies consisted of stealing pens, paper and staples from co-workers desk or waiting until someone quit to go through their desk drawers for fresh office supplies.

And what about the air conditioning/heating situation? It's true, our offices are beautiful works of amazing architecture from the outside, but you People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company, are one smart cookie! You, being the eco-conscious group that you are, turn the air off everyday at 6pm. Great idea! Unless you have to work over, or come in early. Not that I am complaining or anything… but by the time I get to my desk from the lobby, I have sweated a gallon all over my outfit of the day.

Good thing I keep a little DO for the BO in my desk drawer! We also appreciate the way that you have remembered how Jimmy Carter sought to balance the budget back in 1976, by having all of America set their thermostats to 78 in the summer and 68 in the winter. Thanks the beautiful floor to ceiling windows that make up the outer walls of our office paradise, that 78 degrees usually lingers around 92 degrees during the day all summer long. It's like being at the beach! But without the sand, and water, and cute bikinis, and beer…..

But I digress.. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for removing the free coffee that we have enjoyed these past years and replacing it with a new computerized machine that charges us .50 cents per cup for this amazing brew. And THANK YOU, for providing NO INSTRUCTIONS on how to use this amazing new invention. That's probably the best part of this whole change. Can you imagine the sense of accomplishment we'll all feel when we figure out where to stick our quarters so that a delicious brown bubbling brew will fill our eager outstretched foam receptacles of morning hope?

I can't wait to see the next batch of improvements!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Arg..... Another Year Older, just a bigger PITA

So the spawn is turning 11 and wants to have a party, no not just A PARTY, for that would be far too simple and uninspired! We must have 2 Parties!!! Cause we're all rich and everything.

So it's a swim party for all (at the neighbor's pool, THANK YOU FRIENDS!) then it's a slumber party for the girls afterward!! Oh freaking joy.. Didn't we just have a slumber hell recently? I think we did!

All I remember about that one, was the after the little itches left, I had no toilet paper (TP Fashion Show - a must do!) and the house was ABSOLUTELY wrecked. I don't just mean wrecked, like "Oh my, we (meaning me) need to vacuum and dust now!" but wrecked like FEMA Disaster Recovery Team with the search dogs, and helicopters. So while all you lucky people spend your weekend sipping your cocktails, I'll be sweating my arse off by a borrowed pool, holding a birthday cake and trying to make sure that 12 kids don't rise up against me and have a mutiny!! Cause that's what I live for OK?!?

Then it'll be off to the next lovely event of the day. Trying to keep half a dozen suger fueled, hormonal, future WASPs entertained for the evening (and way into the wee morning!) while making sure that no one gets their feelings hurt cause someone forgot to say something nice about their totally rocking pajama's from Wal-Mart ya'll, and making sure that they don't spill finger nail polish on my carpet, or play spin the bottle with eachother!! My life is so full…

On to other news….I have lost 25 lbs, and NO I DIDN"T CUT OFF MY ARM!! Even though I have seriously thought about cutting off a leg to lose weight in the past to win a stupid contest at work. I mean, it's a win-win situation! I instantly lose 75lbs, and everyone feels sorry for me cause, hey, I only got one leg. And then, I can start getting shoes half off!

But anyway, I WOULD TOTALLY KILL FOR SOMETHING SUGARY right now. 2 weeks ago, I inhaled a blueberry cream cheese biscuit from Hardee's and gained 5 lbs. Did I mention that my evil BROTHER supplied the crack to me? I HATE HIM sometimes, even when he's nice to me…

I will blog again, only if I live thru the weekend.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Career Suicide

Would it be career suicide to paint my toenails at my desk? Hey, I'm on ANOTHER conference call so what's the big deal.

Monday, August 06, 2007

This Stay-at-Home-Mom crap sucks!!

Warning! This post is long and tragic...

Ok, so I thought I'd take a vacation day from work today to send the hubby and kid off to the 1st day of school with a good hot breakfast and lots of love....HA!!What the heck was I thinking?!?!? I was wondering what SAHM do all day... Now I know, and it ain't pretty.

When I told the hubby that I was taking today off, I suddenly saw the wheels turning in his little mind.... I told him that I would cook a nice breakfast and fix little missy's hair so ALL the kids woud look at how cute she looked and die with envy!

He immediately assigned the following for me to do today.
1. Get emissions on the car
2. Drop off drycleaningThen Little Missy added
3 Get crickets for stupid unwanted toads that refuse to get old and die.

Then hubby added (by way of the child 'cause he knew I was already fuming.)
4. Pick up prescriptions. (Which was ok, because I needed to pick up my crazy pills at CVS anyway.)

So I thought 'since I wasn't doing nothing', I'd
5. Get the oil changed on the car.6. Get the repairman to check out the stove that WON"T FREAKING LIGHT TO SAVE MY LIFE!
7. Take mystery movies that I forgot we had A MONTH AGO back to blockbuster.
8. Pick up some contacts.

So this morning comes too early for my SAHM day. At 6am, I am cooking the breakfast for the ungrateful family!
At 6:15, the child is "tired" and won't get outta bed, so she doesn't get her hair done. (OK, I half a$$ed it, and she had to redo it.)
Then at 7:40, hubby and child run frantically out the door as I try to snap a photo of the 1st day of school. (I got the photo, 1min after she managed to spill her Dad's coke down the front of her shirt. Nice..)

No thanks for the food, I appreciate it, it was good or nothing. Just as they left, I smelt something that smelled like a cross between a corpse and a cat turd, it was my morning catbox present from Grumpy Gretchen. I don't know how she lays those dinosaur size turds in her box without dying, but she does EVERYMORNING! So, I had to scoop that monster out of the box before the smell killed all the houseplants (and me.)

So then I settle down to try to catch some shut eye til CVS opens, cause that's what SAHM's do, right? Ha! Phone starts ringing, its the church phonetree telling us to pray for some poor lady at church (younger than me, 4 kids, had an anuerysm.) So that tore me up, and I made a couple of phone calls about that.

By then it was 10 and time to do my 'missions' then come home and relax and watch soaps with a stiff martini..

1st CVS, tried to develop the photos I just took of the 1st day of school. You know the saying, "Photos in Seconds" HA!! Someone put an order of 200 photos on the machine RIGHT BEFORE I HIT SEND ON MY 2 PHOTOS... So the lady said it would be a 30min wait.That's cool, I have to get prescriptions anyway, so I walk over to the drug counter, and am told that one of my hubby's drugs was out of stock, er no wait it's suddenly in now, and we can fill it. So I wait while they fill it. Then the other lady comes over and said that the Insurance computer crashed and she can only give me half the presscription. (DANGIT!) So now I gotta come back later. But atleasy I got my crazy pills!

So I get to the car to discover that my water bottle is now heated up to 5 millions degrees from sitting in the car.. so I decide to wait to take the crazy pills until I have something to wash it down with.

Then on to Blockbuster.. Ok that was smooth, but I have a free movie that I can get, and since I am SAHM today, I have all the time in the world to watch a movie right? Ha!! I get there, take back the movins, the guys were nice, but it's monday, and THERE'S NOT ONE DECENT MOVIE IN THE ENTIRE STORE THAT I HAVEN"T ALREADY WATCHED!! So I get Miss Potter, 'the amazingly delightful romantic story of some old bird whose been dead 100 years, who wrote kid books about rabbits'. What ev! I grabbed it anyway.

Then over to SAM's (while calling my eye doctor to get my prescription). Got there, had to wait like 10 mins, then saw someone who I used to deal with 10 yrs ago when I went to the eye doctor, so I had to get all the dirt that's been going on with her these past 10 yrs. (She probably didn't remember me from Adam, but I remembered her, and so we gossiped, ok?) So since I was there, ofcourse, I had to check out the deals on clothes. ah, nothing special.

Then on the get the oil changed. You know those oil places that say, "we change your oil while you sit in your car! or 2 minute oil changes. Just say no! I sat in my car for 15 minutes in 1,000 degree heat while these VERY SWEATY OILY guys changed my oil. Not fun..

By this time, I was sure that I was going to die a slow death from not eating so I decided to go Stevie B's. Know what Stevie B's ain't no fun without the kids, and I can't eat carbs anyway! So I had a salad and like 100 slices of pizza tops, (no crust shall pass my lips!) The lady cleaning the table kept giving me dirty looks, and when I got up to get more pizza tops, she cleaned my table and took my glass away. She hates me cause I was being wasteful not eating the crust and she know that there's starving kids in India.. Wench.

So after I get some grub, I get the emissions done. OK, that was quick and easy. No complaining there. Except when I got out of the car, I suddenly felt the pizza hit my gut like a mexican dinner! Ah carumba!! I really need to 'drop some kids off at the pool' now!!

But I gotta wait til I get the freaking crickets and go back to CVS!!!

So I go to PetsMart, (you remember my last time there, Grumphy Gretchen, the cat from H*ll?) So I steered clear of all cute adoptable pets, and headed straight for the cricket case. They don't have no crickets til tomorrow!?!? What the heck are those stupid toads suppose to eat til then? So I go over the Pet Showcase, guess what? They're out of business! Great. so now we'll just have to cacth some out in the yard..wahoo....

Then back to CVS. Got the pictures and the pills, not probably.. But while there I suddenly remembered that I NEVER TOOK MY CRAZY PILL!!! HAAAA!! Now I will feel bad for the rest of the day, and I have to take them before lunch or I can't sleep at night. Who cares..It is now 3:30 and I still haven't 'dropped some kids of at the pool'. So I race home to do that.

Barely made it! Let's say I totally got the cat back for that stinker this morning, just to put it bluntly. As I am sitting there doing that, and checking the mail, I remember that I ALSO forgot to call the repairman about the stove, CRAP.. Oh well, how does sandwiches sound for dinner?

Afterwards, while I am sitting here typing this, the little one has the nerve to call me from school and ask me if I went to CVS, dropped off the drycleaning, did the emissions and got crickets!!! (I am sure her Dad put her up to this!) AND the old (moved out) child just called and wants to come home and cry on my shoulder about something.

I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!I swear if I could find the ladder, I would use it to climb to the roof and jump off the house!