So I got invited to a party...at the Legion. I know, Klassy, right? It was a birthday party, with cake, therefore attendance was mandatory. As I was frantically rummaging thru my closets looking for an (in)appropriate outfit to wear, Alli comes strolling in.
Alli: What's the plan for tonight fatty?
Me: er, nothing! Just going to a bible study at the church!
Alli: So they allow halter tops at church now? I must have missed that sermon.
Me: haa haa, I'm TOTALLY going to wear a sweater over it...
Alli: So what you wearing over the mini-skirt? A tent?
Me: um, I'm actually wearing leggings under that!
Alli: Oh yea, that's still in style...if you're 8....and live in a trailer park.(as she moves up behind me and starts twisting my arm!)
Me: Ow!!! Alright alright, it's a party!!! I'm going to party!!! and you're totally NOT invited!
Alli: (twisting harder) What? I don't think I hear you clearly Shamu. Say it in english.
Me: Ok, you can go,...(mumble mumble) it'll be fun...
So I got dressed. I am not sure if ya'll are aware, but there a strict dress code for the ladies at the Legion. It involves the use of spandex, outfits that accentuate your cleavage, fake tans, and tons of Aqua Net. So Alli and I had our work cut out for us..
Me: (Standing in front of the bathroom mirror) Alli, can you please tease it up a little higher?
Alli: Sure, I thought this was a birthday party not a costume party, Marie Antoinette.
Me: OK, just another can of Aqua Net.(spray, spray, spray) Alli, shouldn't you take that cigarette out of your mouth while I'm spraying this?
Alli: Nah, it'll be fine.
My Hair: Pouf!!!
So anyway, we got ready. I decided since it was going to be at the Legion, I ought wear something fancy, so I wore my Dolly Parton costume from last year's Hall-o-weenie Roast. Alli was wearing brown, as usual. So we grabbed our purses and hit the door. Just when we got to the car, I had a flash of brilliance!
Me: Alli, you totally have something on the back your pants.
Alli: (flipping around back and forth trying to look at it) Where?
Me: There, on the back. What is that? Man it looks bad!
Alli: I better go change. Hang on.
Me: (grinning ear to ear) I'll be riiiight here...
So Alli goes back into the house to change. I make like Bo and Luke Duke and dive thru the window and try to start the car!
Me: Oh mercifulheavens. Crank!! Crank Dammit CRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(pounding on steering wheel)
Alli: (standing at the door holding the battery cables) Oh, that was a good one. You're totally gonna pay for that later....
So after we put all the parts back on the car. I drive off, with Alli riding shotgun, and go to the Legion. We get in and are immediately swarmed by elderly, lonely Legionnaires. I mean, I was rockin hawt and all!
Legionnaire #1: Hey purty little lady, you're a cool drink of water. Lemme buy you a drink!
Me: Gee thanks! That's be great! (while giving Alli the finger)
Legionnaire #1: (facing Alli) Would your chubby friend like a drink too? (glancing at me.)
Alli: Don't mind if I do!
Legionnaire #1 then falls off his barstool, wets his pants and falls asleep.
So I decide (or rather Alli DECIDES) that we oughta stay away from those high caloric alcohol beverages and check out the party. So we walk to the other room and Man was that place rocking!! They had a band and everything!
Alli: Great Music, Let's dance!
Alli: I SAID LET'S DANCE! IT WILL BURN OFF SOME CALORIES, and the Good Lord knows you need to do that.
Man standing beside me: Who are you talking too?
So Alli grabs me by that arm and drags me out on the dance floor. I was sooo embarrassed because no one else was dancing. But they were playing the Electric Slide and that's Alli favorite dance, so....
Alli: Dear Lord, you WERE born with 2 left feet.
Me: Alli that's mean! I am just out here to humor you!
Alli: Well, dance over there and act like you don't know me, that will humor me more.
Me: Ok whatever. (as I waltz away)
Hot Guy #1 : Why is that fat chick dancing and talking herself?
Hot Guy #2: (pointing at me) Her? Dude, I think she's having a seizure.
Hot Guy #3 (wincing) Quick! Stop pointing before she sees you and latches on? She's a freak!
Me: (waving and gesturing frantically at Hot Guy #2) OMG! OMG! Allie, that guy over there is TOTALLY flirting with me!!
Hot Guy #1,2, and 3: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So anyway, 3 or 4 hours later...
Me: Alli, can we sit down now? Nobody else is dancing and I'm getting hungry.
Alli: Is that the Macarena I hear!! Shake that money maker fatty!
Me: (sobbing and falling to the floor) Wah!!! These shoes are killing my feet!
Alli: Oh alright drama queen! Why'd you wear those CFM pump's anyway?
Me: (eagerly dragging Alli by the arm over to the food buffet) Let's eat!!
Alli: I'm not hungry and you're fat.
Me: PLEASE PLEASE I'll be good!!!! I promise!
Alli: You better.
So we split up and go to fix our plates. Alli just got a plate of carrot sticks, so she sat down at the table previously occupied by the Hot Guys. I wonder what ever happened to them?
Me: (heaving 3 plates of delicious goodness over to my chair)
Alli: For the love of Free Willy, girl. Did you leave any food on the buffet?!?!?
Me: Well, I thought I'd fix a plate for the guy who was flirting with me earlier!
Alli: Oh, you mean the one who ran away screaming like his hair was on fire when he saw you waving at him?
Me: Yea, that one. He likes me, we bonded. I can tell. Want some ranch for those carrot sticks?Alli: (delicately biting a carrot stick)No, thank you
Me: (drinking the ranch dressing out of a cup) Man, this stuff is good!
Alli: Gurl, you need to step away from that cup or you're totally gonna regret it!
Me: I just hate to see food to go waste.
Alli: You haven't seen your waist since Junior High.
So we ate our food. Well I ate my food, and the Hot Guy's food, while Alli glared at me. Then, when I saw that she had lost her appetite, I ate her carrot sticks!
Me: Yea, they're cutting the cake. Want me to get you a piece?
Alli: You ain't eating cake, fatbutt and no ofcourse I don't want a piece of cake!
Me: Just one piece. One itty bitty little piece!
Alli: I will make you regret it.
Me: (totally ignoring Alli while gazing lovingly at the cake) One teeny weeny , itsy bitsy little piece.
All: iWhatever. You'll pay later.
So I go over and get a piece of cake.
Allie: Um...What are you doing?
Me: (smiling, holding up my piece of cake) Getting me a piece of cake! Like you said I could!
Alli: That's the entire cake, they haven't cut it yet dummy.
Me: My bad. (runs to put cake back on table)
Lady at Cake Table: (holding knife with confused look) Are you talking to someone dearie?
So anyway, after enduring the world's longest version of Happy Birthday to You, I finally got a piece of cake. Boy was it ever yum!Then after the all that food, and cake, 6 glasses of wine, 3 mixed drinks, and 9 beers, Alli thought it would be a good idea to dance some more.
Alli: (pulling me by my hair) Get your fat a$$ out there and dance off some of that blubber!!
Me: Ow ow ow!So anyway, we danced.
And finally around 1 AM, some really nice Legionnaires that me and Alli met at the bar decided to dance with us! First there were 2 brothers. I'm not sure how old they were but they did say that they both fought in WW2. Their names were Mr. Bartles and the other one was Mr. James. They were soooo nice. But it seemed like they only wanted to dance with Alli. They were kinda dirty dancing with her, you know, grinding on her and stuff. But she really seemed not to notice.
So, I was stuck dancing with Mr. Pepperidge. He was nice too, though. He said he had fought in the war with the Bartles & James brothers and some guy named Jack Daniels. Anyway after the war was over, Mr. Pepperidge bought a farm and lived there until his mean kids put him in the nursing home. Boy he sure was a talker, aa dancer too! Although he really couldn't do all the moves, cause he was using a walker and his pants kept falling down. But anyway.
Alli: (glancing slyly at Mr. Pepperidge) He thinks you're hot..
Me: (gazing adoringly at Mr. Pepperidge) You think I'm pretty?!
Mr. Pepperidge: Honey everyone's pretty at 2am!! But there seems to be 2 of you, which one should I dance with?
Me: I love you!! Let's keep dancing!
Mr. Pepperidge: Oops I think I just pooped my pants.
Me: Don't worry about it, happens all the time to me!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, it was like lightning had struck me in the gut!!! I started writhing in pain, bending over, and clutching my stomach. It was the most horrible pain I'd ever had, since that Baby Shower last year. I totally thought I was dying!!!!!
Mr Pepperidge: (waving a dollar bill) That's right work it baby! Shake it for Daddy!
Alli: Ha ha! Told you, you'd be sorry.
Me: Bathroom, now!
So I ran like my a$$ was on fire, which it really was, to the bathroom, and that is where my Hub found me when he came to pick me up.
Hub: (to the bartender) I'm here to pick up my wife. You called?
Bartender: I sure did. You came just in the nick of time too. We called the Sheriff's too. They're on their way too.
Hub: (shrugs)So..where's she at?
Bartender: (pointing)See that brown trail on the dance floor? She's at the other end of that.
Hub: (sighs)Dear Lord, give me strength.
Bartender: Please remind your wife, when she sobers up, that she's still banned from the Legion AND she doesn't even have a membership here.
And that's where the Hub found me. In the Men's Room, sitting on a trashcan and puking in the urinal.
Hub: Dear Lord..help me.
Alli: Ha ha! Told ya, dumb a$$!
Me: (puking/pooping/crying/screaming) YOU'RE A BIZ-ACTH I HATE YOU!!!
Hub: Baby, who are you talking too?
So anyway, when we got home that night Alli locked me in the bathroom ALL NIGHT as punishment for eating all those calories. I was in there until dawn. Then she said that she thought I'd learned my lesson and let me out.
On the bright side, my husband is starting to talk to me again. He says he can't afford to divorce me, and he got me an application to the VFW!! AND Alli is going on Spring Break with some co-eds she met. She says they need her.
And like they say, when the cats away, the mouse will play......
CAN YOU SAY EASTER CANDY!!!