Monday, November 14, 2005

2 Chicks and a side of B eef

OK, I just had lunch with these 2 gorgeous chicks!! And B, "the boyfriend."

The one on the left? She's Mine!! (Lucky me!) and the one on the right, she's like mine!!

So this was my opportunity to meet B, my daughter's boyfriend, and while it's still fresh in my mind.. I just gotta give you "THE MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE".

Overall, I give B, 4 out a 5 lawn chairs!! I like him just fine, but he's dating my daughter therefore I must subtract a point for that!! haha.

See, my baby was born with a recessive gene. No tard's not that gene!! The one, that makes her smart beautiful and perfect. It's not her fault!! She was born that way... This makes her much too special for any man on earth...but I think B might be just about ok, in my book..

And in there lies another problem.... He's coming up on the dreaded 6 month mark!! And if you know my girl, then you know about the 6 month curse!!!!! Yes, I did mention it at lunch and I do apologize for that! (Funny, but in bad form..) See my child grows easily bored with the mere mortal man, because, well.. they're all so dull... So after a couple of months, the embers start to cool, she stays at the office later and later, more outings with the girls, less dates with the guy, excuses not to see you, because for the love of all things holy, YOU ARE FRAKING SMOTHERING ME LIKE A DAMN HASHBROWN AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE, and oh yea is it asking to much if I take a pee and you don't stand outside the door like a freaking puppy!?!?!

I mean, hell the poor girl can't help it. She's a goddess, and all men adore her!! But B is different... It's been almost 6 months, and we haven't heard




Not one complaint, nothing. AND he seems to have his head on straight. I mean usually by this time, my lovely daughter usually has her man whipped into submission, carrying her purse, well you get the idea. Not this one though....

He's got a little back bone in him, and he's kind of funny too! I like that!

So....what if? This goes on for 6 months?!?! And then they sign on for another 6 months?!?!? then another, and heck maybe they GET MARRIED!?!?! OH NO!

Then they have children!?!?!? NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!

DAHLINKS!!! I am too young for z grandkids!

But if you think about B... He's got good hair, but not too much hair like a Neaderthal. He's tall, but not too tall, like Andre the Giant, and he's not fat, and not too skinny, so their children won't be thin like little starving Ethiopians..

So, combine B's attributes with my child's dazzling good looks and brilliance... and my grandsons would turn out like this:

Only less gay, hopefully..

And the grand daughters might be alot like this:

Only not as homely... (Just kidding Condaleeza, don't bomb my house..)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. For heaven's sake, their only dating!!!

But just in case, I just ordered this t-shirt!!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Atlanta Mayoral Results are IN!!!!!

So even though I don't live in ATL, I work in ATL, and gurl I LOVE ME SOME SHIRLEY FRANKLIN!!! She's just been elected as Atlanta 1st FEMALE Mayor of the ATL, AGAIN!!!!

OK, here's her story. This sister never NEVER held an elected post before winning the mayor's race!! She was the master mind behind the scene of Atlanta guvment all these years. She probably sat her at little desk in the corner of the mayor's office. Quietly typing memo's, eating lunch at her desk, making coffee, making copies...Well, you get the picture!! In fact, while she was doing all that, she was probably also watching, and waiting, taking minutes at all those meetings, reading every memo, and copy that was flung so carelessly into her in-box....waiting and learning, watching and dreaming...

Then one day......

Her time came!! (No not that time that comes, every month, THE BIG TIME!!)

Ladies and Germs, I proudly present to you


Look closely at the above picutre. Tell me, what do you notice? There's something about our gurl Shirley, hmmm, that I've never seen on any other Mayor....

Hmm,,,, What is it? Let me think........OH!!!!!

THE FLOWER!!!!!!!!

Our very own Mayor has started the latest Fashion Trend in Atlanta, Again!

Here's a shot of her campaign photo as evidence!

In this picture, Shirley is saying,"I want to be your mayor!" and "Look into the flower!!!! Look into the flower!! You're getting very sleepy...You WILL vote for ME for mayor of Atlanta!!!"

Here's another pic of Atlanta's Pride and Joy!!

OK, bitches, how many Mayors do you know who are concerned enough about the environment to not only plant a tree, but to also manage to co-ordinate her chest flower and gloves to the plants in the park!!! Can your mayor do that?

Or about bout this??? Can your mayor dance?!?! Shirley Can!!

She ROCKS!!!

Now as you know, being Mayor of Atlanta is not all about fun and game, sometimes Shirely has not bring the hammer down....

I like to call this her "Watch chu talking about Willis!" look.

Then there's the

"Don't make me come down there and bitch slap your ass" look. Every now and then Shirley has to pull that look out of her bag of tricks to bring the water department back in line.

But Shirley is also a Patron of the workers!


Now, I don't know who this girl is with Shirley, but she's definitely had some work done!

Shirley also luvs the chilren!!

"OK, little girl..Don't stand in front of my flower, or I will fire your momma's ass." I don't care if she has worked for the city for 20 years, and needs this job to support her 5 children.. DON'T STAND IN FRONT OF MY FLOWER, DAMMIT!!!"

But life as Mayor of Atlanta isn't all about fun and games...

Like the time, Shirley had to fill in that pothole....

"Dammit, this is ruining my heels!!!'

Then there was the time that awful man stole her chest flower!

He was so slick about it, she didn't even realize that he took it til it was too late!!! She thought he was just trying to get him a little sumthing sumthing...

So that night she had to go to the ball...






But being the resourceful mayor that she is, Shirley manages to make the best of an awful situation. She just brought out that favorite fashion accesory every girl uses when in a pinch...


So after the horrible flower perpertrator was finally apprehended, Shirley decided to get some security on that flower. (Can you blame her?!)

hmmm. He's kinda cute in a Captain Kangaroo sort of way.. Might need me some security..

And here's a picture of our Mayor with her undercover security entourage. Uh no honey, not the guy on her right, he's her floral designer!

So as you see our Mayor is a fashion icon. I am just so thankful that it's the flower that she brought back, and not

LEG WARMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Shirley, Gurl I love you something awful, I wouldn't change anything about you!

except maybe that hair.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Nancy Lou Isa

Yep, that's my great grandmother's name.. My grandmother, on my dad's side, is getting up in her years. So, I recently visited her and spent the night over at her house. Just like I did when I was a little girl. She LOVES TO TALK!! But hey, when you're 85 and done alot, seen alot, you got things to say, dammit!

So anyway, realizing that I know nothing about her family, my granddad's family and how they meet, I asked her to tell me all about it..

Really interesting!! She was telling me about her mom, she kept saying "Mom this" and "Mom that", and my dad always called her Granny Bird, so I didn't even know her 1st name!! So I asked Grandmom. She said,"Well her name was Nancy Lou Isa."

I said, "Wow, she basically had 2 middle names!! Grandmom got a confused look on her face, then smiled and said, "I guess where you're from, you'd call her Nancy Louisa!"

Ahh... spreak engrish lady!

She also has funny sayings. I heard her on the phone talking to her neighbor and she was talking about someone she hadn't seen in years. She said, "Well I wouldn't know him from Adam's tomcat"!!! (Adam - like Adam and Eve, get it? haha)

In case you're wondering, my grandparents were married for about 60 years. My granddad, Abe is dead now. But he was the greatest, best looking, smartest man I ever knew! He never said it, but he always made me feel like I was his favorite grandchild. He also made all his other 19 grands kids feel the same way, I am sure!

My grandmother, whose maiden name was Bird, told me this story about how they started dating. She said that her, and alot of her neighbors, used to walk to church. It seems that the they had church ALL THE TIME!! But I remember when I was a kid, living near where she lives now, people would set up tents in their yards, invite Pastors from out of town to visit, and hold Tent Revivals, like ALL THE TIME!! So I suppose that she also went to alot of revivals.

So anyway, Grandmom and some of her friends were walking to church along with Pap (Granddad!) and Pap says, "Hey, what's your favorite kind of bird?" Some people said, "Oh, I just love Cardinals!" Someone said, "Blue Birds" and other such things. My Pap just said, "Well my favorite kind of bird is Catherine Bird!!" (Grandmom's cheeks turned red, just talking about it 60 somthing years later..)

So anyway, they dated (aka walked to church) for a while then my Pap left for a job in another state. She said that he told her that he was going to marry her, and would gett frustrated that she would never commit. (Hey she was only 16! He was an older man of 21 or 22.) So he left the state to go work in the coal mines. Finally, his absence made her heart grow fonder, and she eventually married him when he came back to town for one last attempt to win her over..

They lived quite happily ever after....

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Something old, something new...

Ok I have no idea how to link to other blogs.. or even if I should get permission. but you have to check this chickie out. She is at and she is hilarious and brutally honest!!

Reading her blog takes me back to when I was a kid, growing up in good old Hick Town, North Ga. In Hick Town, is so darn hick that I still can't mention the name of it, or everyone still stuck in that God forsaken place would know me immediately and come after me with shotguns for writing about them.

I was that kid back then, whose parents were divorced. Therefore I was the social outcast of the school. I wasn't good enough for the "good kids who went to church with BOTH their parents every Sunday" and my mom wouldn't allow me to hang with the "wild kids", who were raised by wolves and ate with their mouths open at the dinner table. So I didn't have alot of friends.

I lived outside the city limits and my mom insisted that I go to the city school, which is where she attended and anyway evryone knows that city folk are refined. When I was at school I was basically either ignored or tormented by all the other kids who had special clicks formed because they all either lived near each other or attended church together.

We didn't go to church.... Or atleast, sometimes, I would hop on whatever church bus ran by my house, on a mission to save my soul. And ofcourse, everyone knows that kids who ride the church bus to church must really have sinful parents, or are the spawns of Satan and that's why their parents don't go to church....

Anyway, where am I going with this crazy story anyway. I see that I started it in MAY!!! Crap! Let's just run with it... Oh yea, it's a sotry of me never feeling good enough. But don't all kids have those feeling growing up? My little daughter, who is probably the most self assured child in the world, recently came to me crying about how she had no friends in the hood anymore...WAH!!! All this, while little boys are knocking on the door wanting her to come out and play ball.

I guess it all came to together a couple of years ago for me, when I went home to do some shopping at the outlet mall in town, and saw the homecoming bitch (er I mean Queen!) working in the shoe store, down on her knees putting shoes on some fat lady. She looked at me, and you could tell she just wanted to die...

So what goes around, comes around. Atleast I ain't working in a damn shoe store....yet!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Bow down and WORSHIP!!!

I look so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, I didn't lose the last 80lbs of baby fat from that monster I sired 17 short years ago!! It's my hair, actually.

I promised for years and years, never give in to the hype. Never toss out the trusty curling irons of my youth for a flat iron. NEVER slow down at the mall and pause when the nice people at the flat iron booth tell you that your hair looks like total shit, and then wave the magic flat iron wands in your face, and offer to change you from frumpy to stunning in "5 short minutes!" NEVER EVER, even look at the flat irons at Wal-Mart, or price them out, cause you can't afford a ceramic one anyway....

So guess who caved?? Me!

I got my, once a year, haircut last week, and asked for just a trim, and walked out $20 poorer and looking just like I did when I walked in. So as is usual for me, I decided that this called for drastic measures and decided that I couldn't live unless I got a perm. Yep, a good old 80's flashdance, stuck my finger in the light socket perm! So what do I do? I procrasinate, procrastinate, procrastinate... I mean dang, I just spent 30 minutes of my already too short life in chair at a hair salon, flitting away $20 bucks on an invisible trim, and now I would have to spend like 2 hours and $40 at the salon again for a perm!!!! What's a girl to do??

So in between taking the littlest spawn to Taco Bell for a "girls only" Lunch and picking up crickets for said spawn's favorite new pets (Toads!)and oh yea! getting the pooches nails trimmed. (Bitch gets a manicare, even I don't get manicures!!) I decided that I could swing by Sally Beauty Supply and check out......
that crazy new rice paper oil blotting paper that's only been out in Japan since the last, oh 1,000 years! So I bought some of that, and then THEY started calling...

"Hey!! Come here! Take a looksee! Nothing can hurt you in here... (Unless you got a cosmetologist license, then, hell, you can buy enough bleach to turn the entire population of China into Albinos!!) COME TO ME!!!

So I used the excuse to the lady that I (Peeping over at the flat irons) wanted to check out some fake hair for my daugther, so she could throw that fake hair into pony tail and look like Rapunzel! And well, I'll be a Son of a Gun there's them crazy flat irons!!!!

So, I casually asked (with slobbering lips and panting breath!!)"How much are those flat irons there?"The lady showed me the Cadillac of the flat irons and said, "Here's a good one!"

I asked, "How much?"

She says, "Well, it's on special!"

I ask, "How much?"

She says, "It's ceramic"

I ask, "How much?"

She says, "Well..... on special......with $5 dollars off... it' $44.95!!!" Do you get the feeling that this girl might be on commission?

After she gently picked me off the floor, gasping, I pointed at the flat iron prices at $29.99, and told her that I wasn't ready for such a big commitment.

She cheerfully grabbed the flat iron I had pointed to, and told me that this one also was $5 bucks off. YEAH!!!

So, clutching my purchases, I rushed out of the store, only to find the spawn's head popping up thru the sunroof of the car like a prom queen at the homecoming parade!!

Yep, I know it's a crime to leave a child unattended in a car, and that the Mommy Police will come and take away your mothering license, but dammit, someone had to hold the bag of crickets AND we had the stupid nervous dog in the car, and she's a notorious pooper whenever she's stressed!! AND I gave SheSpawn the kidnapper speech AND I locked the doors, AND I parked in right in front of the store,,,, AND, well, I know I was wrong dammit, already!!

So anyway, I get in the car, give the little one the "bad people gonna git you for sticking your head thru the sunroof" speech and then speeded out of the parking lot, mowing down several shoppers, so I could get home and try out the "new toy"!!!

So I get home, I had washed my hair and piled it into my mandatory Saturday ponytail earlier, and heated my new friend up... I then spent about 10 minutes parting and pressing my hair to near Malibu Barbie straightness. Then took a moment to admire my results.

It was AMAZING!!!! I was gorgeous!!! My hair, MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! It shimmers, it shines, IT'S SO FREAKING STRAIGHT.. I looked so hot, that I totally wanted to "do" myself!!! I could wait to show my little one. She didn't motive anything different. Not even when I said, "Do you notice anything different and pointed to my head."

So I showed the dog!! Then the other dog!! One just wanted to pee, and the other rolled over for a belly scratch.. Then the cats!! They both just yawned and looked bored. Then I tried to show the Toads, but one was busy humping the other one... However the 50 crickets that I had just bought to feed to the toads, seemed somewhat impressed. Either that, are they were just jumping all over the place because they knew they were dead meat.

So I decided that I would wait til my honey got home, and show him my amazing hotness.... So I put on a leetle makeup, put the new "push my boobies up on my chest again bra", and waited,,,,,and waited,,,,, then forgot about waiting and dragged my poor child out again, so total strangers could look at my hair AND BE JEALOUS!!!

When I got home later, he was there. (My honey had been to a Math conference (don't ask) and was away the night before) He took one look at me, and said, "You look so pretty!"

Ah, just what I was gunning for!! And ofcourse he got the most amazing loving that night!!

But better yet, my hair still looked good the next day at church, then again on Monday, and now again it's Tuesday, and I AM STILL HOT!!!!

I am afraid to wash my hair because I am afraid that it's just a fluke and that the flat iron only had enough mojo for the one time I used it!!! But on the other hand, it's been like 3 days since I washed my hair and HELLO IT'S TIME!!!

So tonight I will wash, and flat iron again. AND hopefully throw out my damn curling iron and NEVA look back!!!

Wish me luck.....

Only in Hiram...

Only in Hiram, will you see a girl riding a the movie the middle of the day. Only in Hiram will you find tambourine Lady standing in front of the Target, waving her bible, thumping on her tambourine, screaming at traffic...telling them to "Get right wif God, huney chile!" and "Jesus loves you, u huh, yes he do!!"

Where I live, only 45 minutes from downtown Atlanta. (Unless it's rush hour, and then it may take you hours to get to downtown!) Hiram..

Not sure why I ever moved to this little hole in the wall town, but I sure do like it here!!!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


OMG - The Phone company is trying to kill me!!! But anyway....

So when we last left off, our beautiful, yet hapless, heroine had been tied to the railroad tracks by the dastardly villain.....Oh wait.. wrong story!!

So I told you about how it happened and where my mother sent me to live during the time...But before I take you into Labor and Delivery..let me tell you about 1 last memory of my time at "The Florence Crittenton Home for Unwed Mothers, and Runaway Girls".

My mother had a friend named Betty that she liked to hang with. Bebe was a divorce with 2 daughters by husband #1, and a daughter by husband #2. The 2 older girls were my age, and they were sweet girls, The younger daughter was about 8 years younger than us and a little spoiled rotten monster. Little Bit was the spittin image, in every way, of her manic depressive grouchy ass mother.

Once Little Bit was born, the older daughters became the built in babysitters so that Bebe and my mom could run around town, and scout out new husbands! Betty also loved to take out all her frustrations on these poor girls too. They cooked, they cleaned, they watched the little monster, and all they every got in return for this was Bebe's constant criticism. (Or so I thought back then.)I used to go over to their house and hang with them while our mom's were out together. We'd listen to music, and entertain the demon child, call people on the phone, etc. but we never really were very close because their mom hated all children, (me, haha!!)and I couldn't handle her venom, so I kept my distance when Bebe was around, and Bene thought I was an uppity little bitch with a smart mouth. (because I was, maybe? Oh, she knew me so well!! Lol))

So when I got pregnant and went to live at "Flo's House", I got very few visitors, since it was suppose to be a huge secret that I had been "knocked up". For my birthday, my mother planned a picnic at a nearby lake and brought Betbe and her older girls. Once we got to the picnic area, I could just see Bebe's gloating face. She just seemed SO FREAKING HAPPY to see me knocked up, bummed out and near suicidal..

I can only imagine her conversation with her girls on the way home that day, "Hey, your little stupid asses will be in the same boat if you don't watch yourself!!" "You'll probably be knocked up like that soon if you don't watch it."

I thought to myself afterwards, "Yes, Bebe I may be here, but pregnancy only last 9 months, and you'll still be an dried up, crazy ass, bullemic bitch for the rest of your life.."  Later years I heard that she had mellowed out, was actually nice and all her kids were doing just fine. I chalk up the way she was back then to me just being jealous that although she was a single mom going thru a hard time, she was still very pretty, skinny as hell, had a killer body and was self assured. While I was...well a hot teenaged mess!

Oh well....just another hysterical memory..

So on the morning of September 17, I got up, dragged my bloated corpse to breakfast. Took one look at my oatmeal, and left to vacuum the hallway. (See, we all had chores at Flo's House, I had lucked out and had vacuuming that week.) Once that was done, I talked to nurse and told her that I thought that I might be in labor... She asked me if I had one of the 3 signs.

The 3 signs were..1. Labor Pains, duh!! 2. That gross Mucus Thingie, and 3. Extreme gushing of water from your girl parts.. I had 1 and 2. So Nurse (I wish so much I could remember her name!! - Nice Lady) took me to the hospital and checked me in, and disappeared to call my mother, while I under went the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life!!!

So some where, a man I am sure!, decided that all women in labor must been colonically cleansed, and have their girl parts shaved like a stripper... So this nurse holds me down, and does her trim job, then gives me an enema. Then she tells me to go to the bathroom, so I look around the room and see a very small door, and says, "Over there right?" She just gets an evil maniacal look on her face and says, "Ha, down the hall, on the left. Hurry!"

And me being the nice, never defecated on the floor, God fearing girl that I am, hold the back of my way too small, ass showing in the rear hospital gown, and make a mad dash out of the room, only to find that every freaking father to be on earth is standing in the hallway looking at my HUGE ASS!! So I finally make the 10 mile hike to the bathroom, explode like a atomic Bomb, and come back to the room, half the girl I used to be...

Then they put me in a bed, beside the female version of Hannibal Lechter!! I will call her Psycho Bitch for this story. I swear this girl was laying in bed, levitating, her head was spinning around, she was vomiting split pea soup....well you get the picture. So while she is taking a little break from screaming her lungs out and climbing the walls like a banshee, (these breaks seems to coincide with the soap operas that were playing on the TV / aka she only went wild during the commercials)I ask her how old she is... 27!!! So I began to look at the end of her bed, convinced that by the way she is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT, that any second, a 3 headed baby will pop out from between her legs !!!

So then in comes her mother, who makes Psycho Girl look like a member of the Mormon Boys Tabernacle Choir, and starts freaking out.... "Oh my baby, my baby!!! For the love of all things holy, give my little baby something for the pain!!!!!"Heading spinning around now... "I WILL HURT YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T GIVE MY PRECIOUS DARLING SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN!!!!" and so forth..

So then General Hospital, which by the way has way too many commercials!, comes back on and psycho girl is miraculously cured from the pain once again. So I ask her, "This is your first baby, right?" She say, "Nope, 2nd." then the commercials come back on again, dammit!!

So my nurse, not the evil one, comes in and takes my blood pressure, and she gets a stricken look and backs out of the room. Next thing I know, everyone is yelling and pushing my bed into another room, me, thinking that I must be dying, start praying like a dickens, "God I am sooooo sorry about this!! Please don't kill me, and I will be good, forever and ever, Amen!"

So they get me to another room ,and a female doctor comes in and turns on General Hospital (Like my ass was all into it or something!! It was during the Genie and Luke days, yuck!!) and the doctor sets down and starts telling me that she needs to take my BP again, that it was dangerously high. So she takes it, and smiles (all the while staring past me at the TV!) and says that the other girl must have really been upsetting me because my BP is now normal. (Thank you Lord, and I was just kidding about all that stuff I said earlier!)

So I say to the doctor, "Boy oh boy, Psycho Girl must be gonna blow any minute!" Doctor tells me that she's only half way as far as I am.... Damn girl!! Get a grip!! Then the nice doctor asked me if I would like something for the pain, never being one to turn down a good dose of free drugs, I say sure, and the nice lady gives me a shoot of Demerol and says, "Let's just sit here (While I totally don't work, and watch General Hospital!!), and let me know if you feel any pain. So I laid there, and she sit there, and we watch GH, and we sat, and we watched....

Finally after an hour or two, she says, "Don't you feel any pain? Anything?", I said, "Yep, but I don't even give a shit!"

Then she checks me, um down there.. and tells me that it is time. Heck GH was off anyway.. So we all go to the Delivery Room, where a nice lady then proceeds to jump and down on my belly until little Ms. Meh popped out like a pop tart popping out of a toaster!! While the another doctor was finishing up, he asked me if I needed anything, I had the munchies, so I promptly asked for a Little Debbie Brownie. Everyone laughed!! Dang it I hadn't ate all day!!!

Later, after all was done, and I was back in my room, sad, and blue, and alone....a nurse came to me and held me hand, and told me that she had also had to make the decision that I was about to make a couple of years before, and that she was praying for me.....

My heart hurt, I would be leaving without my baby. I would just go back to being a 16 yr old kid, trying to get out of highschool.. yeah right...

The next morning, I went down to the nursery, and immediately locked eyes with the most incredible baby ever to grace earth!! Her perfect little face, her tiny wise eyes..... I died a thousand deaths in that single moment, and promised her that once day I would find her.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Morning After...

So when I last left you, let's see. I was or was not dating Bobby. Oh yea, we broke up. So the next couple of months were a blur of morning sickness, and skipping school as often as possible. I remember that during my sophomore year, I skipped school so much that when I DID show up, people I had known my entire life would just stare at me like I was a total stranger. I basically dropped all my friends and went into my little shell of denial.

My brother graduated in June from high school, so my mother planned a little party, and my Dad came to town along with other assorted relatives that I almost never see. But that time I was about 5 or 6 months along, and all my relatives must have known, because their eyes popped out when they saw me. I remember going to award ceremony with my mother the night before graduation (cause my brother was a total overachiever!) and watching all the seniors getting the awards and scholarships, and thinking, "Dear God, get me outta of this town!"

So as the summer bore along, I finally broke down and told my mother in late June that I was pregnant. Her first words? "What will all MY friends say?!?!?" Ah Mommy Dearest.... She was worried about what HER friends would think.. haha

So she told me that I needed to call the father, (Something about having them help pay for this mess, I believe). So I did, I talked to his mother(She's nice, but looked like Cruella from 101 Dalmations back then!) and she gave me the usual line, "Oh he's not at home right now." So rather forcfully I said, "Well you better get him home, because I'm going to have his baby, and we need to talk."


And he asked the old standard question girls always love to hear whenever they tell someone that they're pregnant. "Is it mine?" For the first time in my life I went totally bitch on him, and said a couple of really not nice things to him..

My mother got me an appt with her GYN and we went to the appt. He took one look at me and said, "I'm afraid little sister is pregnant." and ordered an x-ray. So we ran over to the x-ray place, and got an x-ray done. They put it in an envelope and handed it to us. When we got outside, Mother pulled the x-ray out and held it up to the sun. And the SHE was!!

There was a picture of the MOST PERFECT CHILD ever conceived!!! One perfect child, IN MY STOMACH!!! Sweet little head down, tiny hands tucked under her chin, long legs crossed and tucked up to her tummy. My life changed that instant. I was momentarily blown away, I couldn't believe that something so AMAZING could be growing in me, right under my broken heart!!

My mother kept that x-ray hidden in her closet for years. I think as a reminder of what she thought that she had done for me. I, in a fit of rage, burnt the x-ray years later, when she had pissed me off about something..I so wished that I still had that, it was perfect....

The next couple of weeks were a blur of an aborted abortion attempt, and a short vacation to Tybee Island, where I did alot of watching the ocean and thinking about the future.. and my Mother finding a place to fix me or "hide" me.

My mom's first thought was, "Hell, she'll get an abortion!" So she took me to a "hospital" in Atlanta. Well, the sign said "Hospital" but it was just an old house that was an abortion clinic. When we got to the waiting room, there were about 60 people there, all waiting to get abortions. Some of them were chained to the chairs with police guarding them. I about died, when I saw that place!!! The place was old, and dirty and reeked of urine and cigarette smoke. But Mother just smiled and we found a seat and we waited for our turn.

So after waiting, and trying not to make any eye contact with any woman who might slit my throat, my turn was called. I went to the back and was introduced to a nice Doctor named, I shit you not!!, Dr. Hook!!!! and she had about 3 inch long bright red painted fingernails!!! I lost it... I freaked out and started hyperventelating, turning all shades of blue and red... She was nice, held my hand and looked at my x-ray. She said that I was probably too far along to have a regular abortion then proceeded to tell me about the "other" way they do abortions.

"Not a big deal, really".. but did require an overnight visit in the "hospital". First they take a needle filled with saline solution and shoot it into the baby. This slowly (and painfully- I bet) kills the baby. Then they open your cervix, and smack the baby in the head to crush the skull, so it will come out easier. Once all this is complete, then they induce labor, and let you hang out at the "hospital" and have the baby during the night. Although this sounded like "great fun", I continued to freak out. She then told me that I was probably so far along that I couldn't have this kind of abortion either. (Do you get the feeling that she was trying to "work" with me?)

After she promised me that she wouldn't harm the baby in anyway, I let her examine me. She then confirmed that I couldn't have an abortion of any kind, and went out to tell my mother. When we left that place, I was smiling ear to ear, and my mother was freaking out and bitching about needing a drink...

The next week, we made an appt with DFCS. We then met with a super nice lady at Dept of Family and Children Services. Her name was Harriet Wadkins. She was so comforting, she never judged, she was always sympathetic and constantly told me to call her anytime I just wanted to talk. My mother had told Harriet that she needed to find a place that would keep me til the baby came, help find a find a home for the baby, and not cost my mother anything (Since she was "so sweetly" giving (selling) them a baby! - Be-aytch!) So Harriet found a place in Chattanooga called The Florence Crittenton Home.

Harriet was also finding a set of prospective parents who would adopt the baby. The cool thing is that she was interviewing these people, then telling me very generic details about who they were, and what they were like, and ASKING my opinion on whether I thought they'd be the right parents for my baby!!! This was awesome!!! Ssomeone was finally asking MY opinion of what I THOUGHT was best. I almost couldn't believe it!! I think that she was sent from heaven now..

Florence Crittenton house was a house for pregnant girls and run away girls. By runaway girls, I mean girls who were either so bad or damamged that they couldn't live at home or in foster care. It was situtated in a old mansion near an industrial park. So it was gated like a fortress. It was a nice place although really old, but you couldn't really go outside the gates too very much or you'd get mugged. So we packed our bags and my mother dropped me off there.

Ok, before I go on, yes my mother was a bitch about everything, but on the other-hand she was also totally overwhelmed. She was a single mother with 3 kids, almost no child support from my Dad (or help), and she had a drinking problem. Here I was, 15, in school, got my self knocked up by one of her friend's child, totally helpless about that whole thing, and ofcourse with no help or support from the father of MY child. (He ran away and joined the Air Force after I told him. Was later kicked out for being a puss during boot camp.)

So my mother left me there, and I was put up on the 3rd floor with 3 other girls in my room. There were all pregnant like me. Once of the girls, Christy, later, who became my best buddy there, was only 13. She lived in Atlanta, and had gotten pregnant by her neighbor (I think that they call that molestation now!). Then there was Abigail, who was 12 and pregnant. She said that a distant family member had done the deed, but I kept getting hints that it was her father.. Poor thing. I can't quite remember the other 2 girls.

But there was other people there that I do remember, like the lady who was almost 30 and living there while pregnant. By the time of her Due Date, she had convinced herself that she would keep the baby and raise it by herself. Unfortunately she delivered during my time there, and the baby, a little boy, was born with the cord wrapped around his neck and died. That was devastating for everyone there.

Then there was the DJ who was in her 20's, living there and pregnant. She worked at a hip-hop radio station, and mostly kept to herself. She seemed to always be crocheting a mint green baby blanket. Just staring off into space and crocheting, crocheting. Whenever she smiled, she would just smile with far away eyes.. She was kicked out before the baby came. I think that she got back together with her boyfriend. (Her Baby Daddy!)

The there were that run aways that lived there. Or the throw aways as I like to think. One girl, named Patty, was just as sweet, sad, and loving as she could be. Her mother has been gone so long that Patty couldn't remember anything about her. Patty had been bounced from foster home to foster home to foster home. She was just so sweet, and meek and lost. She'd just hug on you, and hold your hand and try to make you love her... She was only 12.

Then there were the 2 sisters. They were bitches, but crazy mean bitches!! One was named Sue and the other was Serone, I think. They were like 13 and 15, both had children at home, making their poor mother raise 'em, and were at this home. They once gained up on me and tried to tell me how sorry I was for giving my baby away. I told them something like, "Me?!?! Who the hell is raising your babies? If you were such good mothers, why are you here? Is it better to raise children you can't provide for who will grow up and be just like you?" They didn't say to much to me after that. Later I saw one of them jump on one of the home counselers and slap the shit out of the poor lady. I have to say that the lady probably deserved it. She was one smug bitch.

There was a girl there who was about 15, can't remember her name, but she LOVED the truck drivers!! She dissappeared every now and then, or snuck out to meet and boink truck drivers. She'd always come back with a handful of pills for everyone.

Meh, before you freak out and convince yourself that you are a crack baby, I only took one "speckled bird!!"

Even though I was there to have a baby, I did manage to bond with many of the girls and other people there. Like Joy, a girl from my hometown, who had been raped and came there to have her baby and give it up. The Nurse, who was built like a line-backer with the meanest face I ever saw, but she just happened to be the sweetest person I had ever met and she could light up the room when she smiled. The house mother's who stayed with us at night.

Some were friendly, some kept to themselves. One of them was the single mother of 2 boys, and she would come into our rooms, and set on the floor like a teenager, and we'd talk long into the night about highschool, boys, and our dreams. She never asked us how we'd gotten there, and never judged. Or the "Super Fly" middle aged single lady with the rocking afro! I had to go down to her room one night after lights out and wake her up to check on a sick girl. Her "rocking" afro was setting on her dresser and she had her little bald head wrapped in a stocking cap.


Also some of the funny things there were when we went on outings. People would see about 15 pregnant teenagers get out of a van holding their backs and rubbing their big bellys... and their eyes would bulge out. Once time a guy, with his wife, was so rudely staring that I just looked at him and said, "Don't worry, we're not blaming you,,,this time!!" He started laughing and he and his wife asked all kinds of funny questions.

Let's see, I got to go to a "Mother's Finest/38 Special" concert. My 1st rock concert every,,, WAHOO!! Saw Hank Williams Jr's drunk ass about fall off stage. Saw Sara Vaughn in concert, she just blew me away. Saw and fell madly in love with Don "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" McClean's music.

Being there was like having 30 sisters. We were all in a jam together and learned to watch out for each other. Whenever someone would have a traumatic event, like a visit from a boyfriend or parent, or whenever someone was in trouble, we had their back.

I later moved to the 9th month room, which was the only room in the house that you could sneak out of the windows. Alomst every night girls would dress up in thier slut-clothes (Mostly the non-pregnant ones!) slap on tons of make-up, and slap their heels over the shoulders and make a mad dash out the window. Now to "escape" you had to go out the window, OVER MY BED, crawl down the roof of the car port, then climb down the fire escape. I never left, I was afraid I'd slide down the roof, fall and split open like a watermelon!!

Then after the night of "passion" was over, it was back up the escape, crawl UP the roof, rap rap on the window, and back to bed. I got no sleep in that room!! It was so hiliarious. They'd take off looking all suave, and come back with hickies all over their necks, make up smeared, their hair all smooshed up, and amazing tales of their adventures...

Also while I was there, Lady Diana married her Prince Charles. All the girls were glued to the TV's, watching every perfect detail of the events leading up to the wedding, and finally the wedding. We all wished that our princes would come and save us from our dreary existance!! Ofcourse all the days went by, and my tummy got bigger and bigger...the time that I had been looking toward FINALLY CAME TO PASS...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Then there was Bobby....

Why am I talking about stuff that happened 25 yrs ago? I have no clue... I think it's just that I think about that Robert Frost poem alot about the Fork in the Road...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I am so thankful of the path that I have taken in life, but I do wonder about where I'd be today if I had made other choices 25 years ago. Here's a little bit more of my look back on time...

So after darling "Zitty Man" and I stopped seeing each other, I had went to church with a girl who lived in my neighborhood. She was a freak! Her parents were even freakier! The whole family reminded me of "Married with Children". I loved being there!! Her grandad had a wrestling bear, or a "wrasslin' bear" as I recall him saying.. So she and I went to her church one winter evening, and while there I saw a guy I knew was a friend of my cousin Ricky. His name was Bobby. My cousin lived the next town away and went to another school. Farimount High - Home of the Bulldogs!!! Bobby also went to Farimount. He had just graduated when I met him. My cousin had told me that he was a "nice guy".

Anyway, I saw him there, and we chatted a little. He was 19 at the time, I was 15. Now before I tell you anymore, there were 2 classes of people in the town I grew up in. Not the Upper Class, and Middle Class, but the "I can't wait to graduate and get married and work at a carpet mill, and have lots a kids asap!" class and the "I can't wait til graduation, so I can get the hell outta of this freaking place!" class.

Bobby was the former, I was the latter. Bobby was 1 of 4 boys. He was Boy #3. He was the baby until he was about 10, then his parents had another little boy and commenced to spoiling that one rotten. Both Bobby's older brother's were already married and out of the house. Bobby's house was a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life. His brother's were always visiting with the wives and kids. Or he had assorted relatives around, and it seemed that his mom was always cooking loads and loads of food. It was the home, I never had!! Full of love, and excitement. (Not that I had a horrible home life, just kind of boring and ruled.)

So after seeing Bobby at church, we chatted a little and decided that it's be cool to meet up the next weekend and go caroling with the church. (Caroling - so hokie!!) So we met up the next weekend, and went with about a group of 10 or so and caroled at other church member's houses. After that time, Bobby and I became rather exclusive. Right after Christmas, I suspected that I might be pregnant. I kept the secret to myself for the longest time. I knew who the father was because at that time, I had only been with one person.

Once it became clear that I was pregnant, I thought that this was something that I needed to tell the "father/perpetrator" in person. So I called him, and called him, and freaking called him. He never answered or called back. After awhile I just gave up. Bobby suspected that something was up because I was practically outta of my mind with fear. After about a month of begging and prodding, Bobby began to suspect that I wanted to break it off with him. I didn't...I just didn't think that we were close enough to each other for me to share this with. Heck, I was going out and having the best fun with Bobby. He was my buddy, took me places, treated my like a queen. I thought that if I told him the news, that he'd run like hell, like any normal boy would! Like the father had. (I think he suspected, even though I hadn't told him.)

So one evening after hours of talking, and arguing about why I was so bitchy.. I came out with the truth to Bobby. I said something along the lines of , "Remember that guy, I told you about? Well, I'm going to have a baby, and it's his."

Bobby (Classic Bobby...) didn't miss a beat, didn't bat an eyelash. He just grabbed my hands and said, "I will marry you, and we will raise this child as our own, and no one will ever have to know."

I was in shock, and I was amazed. I told him that I needed to think on it. When you are damaged, you naturally assume that anyone who could love you must also be damaged. This is what I believed about Bobby. How could someone love me? I'm dirty, bad and no good!! AND I'm pregnant for God's sake!!!

Later when the offer was made again, I told him that we would just wait and see. As the months went by, I convinced myself that I did love Bobby and that we should get married. I later gave myself to him, thinking that I could love him thru sex. I did love him, but not enough to marry him and have him raise a child that was not his.

I later broke up with Bobby as my belly began to swell and he began to force the marriage issue more and more. I really loved Bobby, he treated me like I was sacred. I think that he worshipped me way too much.

After the baby (You- Meh!) was born, I later dated Bobby again. I told him all about what had happened during the months we were apart, and about the baby. He never condemned me, or made me feel bad about the choice that I had made. He just took my hands again, and said, "We'll get married."

As time went by, and we dated, I hated myself for the decision that I had made concerning the baby, and the big secret that I was keeping from the world. I felt like I wanted to die, and wasn't worthy of living. If ever I was close to killing myself, this was the time. Bobby loved me anyway, he never judged or questioned my decision. I gradaully convinced myself that Bobby must be crazy to love someone as flawed as me and began to find fault with him. I picked and picked at every little imagined flaw that he had. I eventually broke up with him, before he could come to his senses and break up with me!!

Very soon after, he married a girl he knew from his school and they immediately started having kids of their own. Last I had heard, the were still happily married with boys of their own. I hope their house is a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life...

The world is a better place thanks to men like him..

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

How I met your father....

So will be 25 years ago this fall that I met Meh's father, biological father, sperm donor,the Zitty Man, etc...etc..

How did it all start? Oh I remember it so well. I was only in 10th grade and homecoming was on the way. For some strange reason, I had decided that I wanted to participate in high school activities, after a year of standing on the side lines...

Yes, it was homecoming, and the theme for 1980's homecoming was "Popular Music", so our class decided to go with the song "Lonesome Loser" - "Have you heard about the lonesome loser?" So our float for the "big parade" was to feature the mascot of the opposing team playing cards...alone (So original). This meant lots of chicken wire and about a million paper napkins!!

So I caught a ride to the armory, which is where each grade was building their floats for the big day, and started stuffing napkins in the frame of the float. All of a sudden, I feel a light tap tap tap on my shoulder, so I slowly turn my head, so that I wouldn't mess up my carefully coiffed feathered bangs, and looked behind me.

And there he was... in. all. his. glory. Short, pimply, with permed hair,in the 11th grade AND with a CAR!!!!! He was part of the cool, rich boy, stoner crowd, so naturally my mouth about hit the floor to see him at an after-school event. Once, I regained my composure, I gave him a little toss of the hair, and smiled. He asked me if I had plans that weekend. Did I have plans?!?! Hell it was only homecoming week, and I had no frigging date to the dance! Did I have plans, you ask?!?! "I shyly smiled and said, "Um no, why?" (Naturally thinking that he'd taken notice of my perfect Farrah Fawcett hair-do and perky little boobies and wanted to take me to the dance! (Because hell, that was my crowd, the geeky going to the school dance crowd!!)

He just said, "Cool, wanna go out this weekend?" So I (a little disappointed) said, "Sure, what did you have in mind?" (taking me to the dance, perhaps?) he said that we'd just figure it out when the time came.

Well ,the weekend came, and I wanted to go to the homecoming game atleast, so we decided that we'd move our little date to Saturday. I went to the game, with my boring (non potsmoking) friends, and he hung out (God knows where) with his druggie crew. I don't remember where we went or how the date ended, but I do remember that he was sweet, we kissed, and that I liked him very much. He introduced me to pot that night.. We also drank a little beer, but I had never been much of a drinker, so I didn't get wasted. (It used to be SO EASY to buy beer back then!!)

The weekend before, I had had a date with a "much older guy" of 19 who had his head on straight, a full time job, (aka looking for a mommy for his youngins) and had pinned me down to the front seat of his Buick and tried for dear life to get me outta of my pants. (Think God for those tight pants of the '80's) The older guy wasn't too awfully rude about it when I said, "No way." but I just knew when he dropped me off that that would be the last time I ever saw him. It was our 1st and last date, ever.

So back to the 11th grader. The first date turned into holding hands and kissing (total PDA) at school the next week, long phone conversations, and promises of other dates. So, soon after, we decide to "move it up to the next level". Yet again we go out, he drops me off at the crucial 11pm curfew, and we discover that we have the house. all. to . ourselves....... So one thing leads to another, and we are in bed together. he had already told me that he had already had sex, so I thought he was a pro. Only he was terrible. I had no clue what I was doing, but hell I had read some romance novels... (Funny thing, I didn't know that you were suppose to hold you legs up when you were having sex, I thought that they were suppose to be plastered to the bed, so he had to tell me, "Hey, you are suppose to lift you legs up a little." So stupid!)

When it was all over with, he confessed that he was a virgin, and asked me if I was. I told him, "Duh! Yes!"

It seemed that after the 1st time, we couldn't get enough of eachother. We HAD TO HAVE EACHOTHER CONSTANTLY.. And our clueless parents, never seemed to be around. so we did it at my house, his house, friends' houses. We'd lay out of school, hang out at eachother's house, smoke pot (my new best friend!) and make love.

He was so sweet, and gentle. (But he still actually sucked at making love, now that I think back on it.) The best part of being a teenager is that you have spent hours and hours of petting, by the time you ever have sex, so you are like the Masters of Foreplay. I remember often sitting between his legs while we watched TV, or listened to music, and he would rub my arms, or play with my hair for hours on end.

My family wasn't really very demonstrative when it came to love, and my mom was single, so this was totally new to me. I mistook this as REAL LOVE, haha. But hey, I was only 15 at the time.

By Christmas, it was all over between us. He like most other boys was too broke or cheap to shell out any dough for a Christmas gift on a girlfriend (People, I know this, I got 2 boys of my own!!) so he gradually quit calling, quit coming over, etc.. etc.. I feel like our sexual experience had opened the flood gates for both of us. So, he started dating a total hooker from another school, and I met an older guy (19 again, DAMN!) that my cousin introduced me too. The other guy....

....deserves his own posting.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Should I be worried...

Here is a picture of my son and his church church. It was a "church" bonfire. Should I be worried??

I'm thinking yes.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Cruise Notes

Ok, I had forgot about this one, but it was so darn cute that I gotta tell ya.

Every night of the cruise, there were shows on board. Vegas style entertainment. Nearly Naked Dancers, Comedians, Magicians, etc..etc..

So on the night that they had the magician, he brought up 3 little kids to help him do a magic trivck. He was going to saw this one kid's head off, and the other 2 children were suppose to catch it so that it didn't roll off stage. (I know, yuck.. but sooo funny!!) There were to little boys about 7 and 10, and a little girl.

So the magician put the collar around the old boy's neck, and had the other 2 children hold out their catch the head.

The little girl was a little skinny black kid. Just as cute as could be. Had on her Sunday Best dress, and little white shoes. You could tell Momma had taken some time with her hair too. She was just perfect!!

So the magician gets ready to do his trick and asks the little girl, "What's the magic word?"

She looks at him straight in the eyes, real sweet and shy, and says, "Pleeeeaaaasssseee?"

The crowd went wild..................................................................

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Laughing during sex?

Not a good thing.

I can't help it. My husband is so damn funny! Sometimes we just lay in bed and he's says things, and it makes me laugh dammit!

Last night, well I can't tell you about last night, but it was freaking insane. Let's just say that I know that I married a guy who will take care of me in my old age.

Gotta love it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

She's Baaaaacccckkk!!!!

I went on vacation last week. Wahoo!

I went on a cruise! Big Wahoo! A Carnival Cruise!

It was great. No, this isn't my 1st cruise, (nor my last) and yes, I know that Carnival is the cruise of the the "low class" peoples. But guess what?!?!? I lucked out on this cruise. I took the Carnival Glory! It's a NEW HUGE BEAUTIFUL boat. Unlike my other 2 Carnival Cruises which were rather old boats and a little worn. (Think Blackbeard's Pirate Ship)

This ship has GREAT ROOMS!! With big shiny white down comforters and down pillows. I am so damn lazy that I spent the majority of the cruise sacked out in bed. But, when I was up and outta my cabin, I did have a great time. Shows, Karoake, Eating, Drinking (lots!), Gambling, going to 3rd world countries to buy overpriced souvenirs, etc.. etc..

I also found out some very interesting things about my family on this cruise, also.

1.) My poor husband is whooped. Whenever there was any arguments or pouting or tears, he would just hang his head and get the faraway gaze in his eyes.. (I'll explain later..)

2.) A ship that holds 3,500 passengers and 1,500 crew members is too small, when it comes to my family.. Example - My little girl and I were at each others throats most of the time, I saw my son on various occasions trying to act cool (unsuccessfully!), making out with random girls, gambling, etc.. etc.. I saw my mother in law ALL OVER the damn place, talking to strangers and eating desserts (which I hear diabetics are suppose to do!)

3.) My Mother-in-Law takes FOREVER in the bathroom and goes about 10 million times a day AND expects me to wait while she goes!

4.) My little Daughter is trying to de-throne the Queen of all Things Bitchy and Evil! (Me) Poor little thing, I love her so, because she's me made over. I just wish that I had the brains that kid has when I was her age. I would have been ruler on the universe by now!!!

She, Daddy and I shared a room, and by the end of the cruise, my poor husband was curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room, sucking his thumb.. She and I argued, complained and pouted at eachother most of the time. It seems that we're both madly in love with the same man (no, dude - not is that sick way!!) And having him trapped in a room with the both of us for the entire week, was just about more than he could handled. haha!! I love MEN!!

It's so funny, when ever 2 female argue, there's almost always tears or pouting, and if a man sees tears, he's like, " It's the end of the world!!!" Ofcourse to the females who are arguing, it's just normal, cause that's how we communicate, when we are trying to make our point.

Guys on the other hand, they belch in eachothers face or fart on a pillow to show that they don't agree with eachother.

Once we got home from the cruise, me and little sissy were back to normal. We love eachother but we know that we definitely both need our space.

I don't even know why I am mentioning this. I guess because my poor husband had to listen to all our bitching. AND on a brighter note - (Really this is good news!)

I TURNED 40!!!!! last week

Why is this good news you ask? (Yes, you over there in the corner) Well heck, everyday that you wake up and you're still alive is a great thing! I rather be fat and forty than thin, twenty and dead!!

How about you?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Parenting 101

I sometimes wonder how I can fully damage my children mentally. (The courts say that I am not allowed to "hit" them anymore. Not even where the bruises don't show.)

Here's some of the amazing tools that I use, in order to make sure that my children remain emotionally broken and move out of my house the second they turn 18.

1.) Go to PTA meeting wearing Daisy Duke's and a tube top. (I am a large, old woman, and have lovely stretch marks all over my body!) This is my way of telling my children, "Thank you for ruining my girlish figure, with your abnormally large head during gestation. I am proud to sport the body that you gave me!

2.) When ever I drop the kids off at school in the morning, I wait until the little darling gets out of the car and yell at the top of my lungs, "Mommy loves you!, Make good choices!, Just say NO to drugs!" This immediately turns my child into a Olympic Sprinter toward the school.

3.) Talk about your child's hygiene and bowel movements to completed strangers. Example: Task your precious one into a drug store or department store, the larger the better. Make your way up to the store manager or pharmacist while holding your child firmly in your grasp so that he/she can't escape, and ask a question like, "Do you sell Husky?" or "Little Tommy hasn't went number 2 in 3 days, do you have anything for that?"

4.) Talk to members of the opposite sex in front of your child. "So you go to school with Jenny? Do you think she's hot? Have you ever seen her wear that red sweater? Do you want to take her to the prom?"

5.) Make a scene. Laugh Loud, Sing to yourself in public, Talk to strangers. Wear anything bright...etc.. Just about any sudden movement or noise that you make that would identify you as your child's mother is a source of of extreme embarrassment to your child.

That's all that come to mind right now, but I am sure after I come back from a week of vacation with my little angels that I will have MANY more parenting tips to share.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


So everything is Raspberry flavored now. What is a Raspberry anyway? Just an unripe Blackberry if you ask me!

Raspberries suck, who likes them anyway?


They're red dammit! Not blue. Who in marketing came up with the brilliant idea that anything raspberry must be blue? (Especially marketed to children)

Probably a damn man!

Friday, July 22, 2005


I am such a Suzy Homemaker this week. My deep and unsettling hatred of XMIL has caused me to do something that I haven't done in a while.


Stand back Calvin Klien, Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan, I am the greatest new fashion designer of the world!!! Ok, so really it was a McCalls pattern that I got off the sales rack at Wal-Mart last winter, and the fabric costs only a dollar a yard. But I made it dammit and it's so cute!!!

I wore it to work today, and it's a little low necked, so whenever I look down, guess what I see?


That's right, my girls!! My pride and joys!!! Right up there under my nose. I have no idea why, but those puppies are really up there today!! I will probably have to retire my wonderful boobilicious shirt after today, but it was nice to wear something I actually made myself. (It's totally Daisy Duke looking - original DD)

The only draw back is (besides being way too low necked!) is that I keep seeing random strings coming out of the shirt. I am afraid that if I pull anything, that the whole she-bang will just come loose and drop in a puddle around me ankles, and everyone will see my "old lady bra".

Oh well, can't win 'em all, but atleast I do have B-O-O-B-I-E-S!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Ex-wife's Mother-in-Law

No, not my ex-wife, my husband's. I am an idiot, that's all there is...

See, my husband's ex-wife quit talking to her mother about 5 years ago, because XMIL didn't support her daugther's decision to divorce my darling prince. So, what does XMIL do, she starts calling my husband telling him how much she'd like to visit her granddaughter and how she knows that the mom will never let her visit the granddaughter again, because they aren't speaking. So being the putz that I am (and not realizing XMIL tru evil side!) I encourage him to let the old bat come visit.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E. The first couple of visits went ok. XMIL would come and visit, whisper to the grown up about what a low life her daughter was, and basically just enjoy her time with the granddaughter. But then, BUT THEN, the true colors began to show.

First all, - the lady is hard of hearing. (She lied to us and told us that her mom hit her in the head until she went deaf. - not true) AND she's from Brooklyn, AND she keeps birds, lots of birds. Combine all that together and you get a loud, highpitched, nasally Brooklyn accent. This is a voice that strips paint of the wall, when she talks!! But miraculous, she has the hearing of a damn eagle whenever you say something that you DON'T want her to hear, and will even give you her unsolicited opinion on it, even though you weren't asking her!

2ndly - She lies, and she talks bad about EVERYONE she knows. She dissed her kid, her family AND her friends. She was showing me pictures one time and actually had the nerve to tell me that God was punishing her friend (he's in a wheelchair) because his parents were like 3rd cousins and married eachother. (Nice...) I told her that I didn't think that God worked like that. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, and she still tells Her husband that my husband is STILL with her daughter!! (Confusing, I know!)

3rdly - She tells our daughter bad things about her mother. (the daughter) AND her dad. (Talking shit about my husband will earn you an ass kicking real quick, from me!) She tells my child that she doesn't know why her mommy doesn't love grandma anymore, and that mommy is mean to grandma. (Hey lady, you dissed your daughter when she needed you the most, then talked bad about her, to everyone you know. HELLO, this is your daughter that you are pissing on!) Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of the ex-wife myself, but she IS the mommy, therefore we don't talk bad about the mommy.

Grandma also told our child some silly story about how a family pet had gotten ran over, and then told the child that Daddy has basically lied about how it really happened. (it was totally stupid and not true, but it eroded our daughter's confidence in her dad.)

4thly - The woman eats like a damn horse, AND pretends that she has food allergies. The old bat weighs less than 100lbs, and has a great figure, but she can eat you out of house and home! From the minute she hits are door, she is CONSTANTLY munching and grazing like an old milk cow!! And everynow and then, she'll pretend like she has some silly allergy and want you to buy her "special food". One time, she had a milk allergy, therefore she made us supply her with rice milk, which she didn't drink, because it tastes like liquid garbage!! (She has drank milk since then with no problems, old wench!!)
Last weekend, when the bat was visting, I made a chocolate cake. My husband nervously tells me that XMIL is allergic to chocolate. I just said, "Watch this." then asked the old bat is she wanted a piece of chocolate cake. Ofcourse she said sure, and even went back for seconds. (and probably thirds, when no one was looking!)I waited all night for that old hag to swell up and die. I was so disappointed!!

5thly- The woman never opens her purse for shit!! She complains that she's hungry the minute you get her off the plane, so we have to take her out to a restaurant. Does she offer to pay, ever? Hell no!! We drive an hour to pick her dumb ass up at the airport, have to totally rearrange our schedules, does she offer anything on gas? No!! She goes shopping, buys her friends all kinds of crap to take back to NY, buys her damn birds all kinds of crap... Does she buy her ONLY granddaughter even a freaking piece of gum? Whaddaya think? NO!!!! Heifer bitchass hooch!

Just to let you know of this lady's love toward her grandchild. There was this one time that our daughter was showing XMIL a ring that her mom had given her. XMIL looks at it and says "that's my wedding band that I gave my mother 30 years ago, I want it back!!", and then tried to take the ring from our 6 yr old. Our child said, "No, my mother gave me that ring!: (Apparently the XMIL's mom had held on the ring for 25 years or so, then gave it to HER granddaughter and told her that she could have the ring since it was the wedding band of her parents, who had divorced right after she was born.) So XMIL runs to my husband and tell him (like a damn 5 yr old!) that she wants her ring back from the 6 yr old, and that "she won't give it back". Husband says, "that's between you and her."

Then the bat from hell, runs to me and says the same thing. I tell her that it's our daughter's ring and therefore her decision, but that XMIL CANNOT just take the ring. So XMIL guilt trips the poor child for about a day, until she finally caves and say that the old bat can have the ring. but ONLY if XMIL will buy her another ring. So XMIL makes me take her to Wal-Mart to get a another ring. She strolls over to the racks that holds the cheap stuff, while the daughter and I proceed to the ring counter to find the most expensive ring possible. In the end, the little monster saw something glittery and purple, therefore I could only peg the ole bat for $40 bucks. (Darnit.)

Anyway, these crazy wench came for another visit this past weekend, and totally showed her ass as usual. I told my husband that the next time she wanted to visit, to tell her not to come, because we are having martial problems.

He gave me a stricken look, and said, "But we're not having marital problems."

I just said, "Oh we will, if she ever comes back!''

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Army Surplus Store

So now I ride the bus to work.. Ridin da' bus. Ridin da' bus..

We pass by a Army Surplus Store, and what's in the wnidow, but a big ole queer flag. Beautiful Rainbow Colors.... Somehow I don't think I ever saw those flag in any wars...

I liked it, it was sweet.

NOthing new to report. Except the mother in law is back.....and very needy.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Then there was Sunday...

As you will soon figure out, we did alot of traveling (and partying) over the weekend of the 4th.

Sunday, we had planned to meet the Hubby's dearest friend (John) at his parent's house in a very small southern town in GA. John and his wife Lisa, and children were visiting the parents on their way from 1 Navy assignment to another. (It's such a blast to have to pick up and move the entire family every couple of years! Not..)

So anyway, we had been invited to the parents house before and know them, so this wasn't a big deal. John's family is very southern. (My hubby is from NYC.) so although I relate totally with John's family, I love to watch my hubby's reaction.

John's parents live in a BEAUTIFUL antebellum (We are talking Gone with the Wind!) plantation house in this small town that John's parents grew up in. John's Mom (Lucy) was born and grew up in the mansion. For some reason, Lucy's parents sold the mansion and moved down the street. The lady who bought the house from Lucy's parents then willed it back to Lucy's family because she didn't have any offspring. (Small town So when the old lady kicked the bucket, and Lucy's parent's house caught on fire, the whole family moved back into the plantation house down the road... Lucy's parents got old, Lucy's dad died, and Lucy and her husband (we all call him Diddy, it's southern for Daddy) moved in to take care of Lucy's mom til she died.

So while Lucy was taking care of mom, she started going thru the attics, and spare rooms, and finding all this cool stuff that was never thrown out. While Lucy was prowling, Diddy was moderning the house. Adding bathrooms, air conditioning, new electric, updating the kitchen, etc.. etc.. What resulted, was this totally awesome, kick-ass antibellum museum house filled with all these family heirlooms.

So Diddy and Lucy have 3 boys and the baby was a girl. The kids are all grown with families of their owns, and the "baby girl" is now 35. (Just a little background.)

So Diddy and Lucy have been married forever, are as sweet as they can be, and great hosts! And boy do they have some stories... haha.

John was telling me that Lucy got pregnant by Diddy back in 59 while she was still in highschool, and because she was class president, and didn't want to get kicked out of school, that she and Diddy had run off to South Carolina and got married. She then went back to school and graduated school 6 months later, without ever telling her parents that she had gotten married, and oh yea, that she was also pregnant. Once school was out, she told the parents about her little problem, and her dad immediately whipped of his belt so that he could tan her hiney. Her mom interjected with , "Well, it's too late for that Hershel, a whupping ain't gonna do her no good now."

Lucy also told me about the time that she caught one of her little boys reading a playboy magazine. (Well she didn't catch him, he had actually told on himself, because he knew that someone was going to rat on him for it.) So she said that she stripped off all her clothes and made the little shit look at her, and she said, "Here is what naked girl look like, we're all the same, except some have bigger ones, and some have smaller ones." It's a wonder that she didn't turn that boy gay... this was after she had already had 4 kids, that she did this!

Lucy said that the kids almost drove her insane and she couln't wait for them to grow up and get the heck outta of the house. She said that when they left home, that her and Diddy told each kid, "You can't come back!' haha. So all the boys grew up, and the baby girl went to college and graduated. John said that he and all his brothers used to hangout at this bar and drink, and that the baby sister (at 22) got herself knocked up by the bartender. When this happened Diddy and Lucy told the boys that they couldn't go to that bar anymore, well John was hot!! He told them that it would fair to him, that he could go to that bar anymore "just because Sissy couldn't keep her damn legs together!" So John kept on going to the bar, and being friends with the "evil" bartender, who later became his much beloved brother-in-law, who is a "saint for putting up with their squirrley ass sister."

Diddy said that one night really late, that Sissy showed up on the door step with the baby, he said that he immediately went to the phone, called the bartender, and said, "You 2 better work it out, cause her ass aint' staying here!" He actually made that poor guy come pick her up in the middle of the night, and they've been together for 13 years now. (Marriage Counseling - Southern Style!)

So anyway, this is just a few of the really cool stories and Diddy, Lucy and John told me and the hubby while they fed us good southern cooking and plied us with Evan Williams.. That was a GREAT TIME, but we had to leave Monday at noon so that we could meet up with friends to watch fireworks in Buckhead.. but that's another story.

As a side note. I stayed up that night until 4am, then went to bed. I felt all creepy and dreamed about things that might have happened in that house and also dreamed that the house was built in the 1830's. The next morning I asked John when the house was built, and he said, "Oh, Mom's grand-diddy built it in the 1830's..." W-I-E-R-D-!-!-!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

A Month's Worth of Drama Packed into 1 Wild Night!!

So, I laid outta work on Friday, because the phone company finally saw the good in me and hired me on fulltime. I AM SUCH A PRIZE!! So I had to take my final temp employee comp day...or lose it.

So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)

So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.

Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!

One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.

B-I-G M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!!!

So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.

So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?

They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.

So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.

We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"

Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..

But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".

I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.

So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.

Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.

Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.

Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!

So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!

Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)

Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...

So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.

Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.

My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...

So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)

Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.

So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.

I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..

So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"

Yeah right, you freaks...

Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.

A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....