Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Remember when I told you that I had been good.

I lied. But thanks for the loot.

You Friend,

Friday, December 12, 2008

Do I ask for too much?

This is an open letter to all those 3rd world countries that make our clothing...

To whom it may concern:

WTH! I have been 5'8" for approximately 30 years now, but yet it seems that my clothes are getting shorter and shorter. Where is the rest of my shirts" What have you done to the waist of my pants? I am sure that somewhere in an office in the fashion district of New York, there's a man who sits smugly at his desk because HE was the one who came up with the brilliant idea to cut the bottom 3 inches of all shirts off to save money. It was him, with the help of his harlot of a daughter, who re-introduced hip huggers back into our everyday language. I can hear him now... "Imagine all the fabric that can be used to make even more, shorter shirts, imagine the money we'll save!!"

Well hello, I got some news for you Mr. Man. I've squeezed 3 kids out mah belly and thru my hips!!! One of them an 11 lbs, half grown toddler. Ain't no one on earth wants to see my mid- drift. And guess what, going around ALL DAY pulling down my shirt, or hitching up my pants so my battle scarred belly, and my fatback don't hang out, ARE NOT considered a form of exercise!!

I've I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna come over to your house and cut the crotch out of ALL your pants!

Have a Great Day!

P.S. You Suck.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Why with all the drama?

So rarely do I take a lunch alone. But Monday I did. Stopped off and bought a good book to read and sat my butt down at Stevie B to eat Pizza tops (I'm on a carb diet, don't cha know.) So there I was, when all of a sudden, I see this guy 2 tables over jump up and start peeling off his shirt while shouting obscenities at someone else at another table.

Not sure who it was aimed out, cause I immediately stuck my nose deep into my book while trying to look, not look.. So anyway Johnny Gangbanger was all cussing and flexing and cussing, while the entire place was staring intently at their plates desperately trying not to make eye contact.

I noticed while this was going on, the his pants wear AROUND HIS KNEES!! He had a nice round ass BTW. (I'm just saying..) then he shouted a gem that said it all, "Hey MF-er, I got felony convictions against me, I ain't skeered of you!" ...mmmm...Klassy. Yea, I'm totally going to use THAT one next time I get mad at someone.

So after a while of getting no response or acknowledgement of anyone in the restaurant, the girl at the table with Johnny GB, says, "Please leave, just leave." Boyfriend pulls on his shirt, and walks out.

So what do you think the girl did next?

Leave out the back? Cry? Call the cops?

She went back and herself another plate of pizza. While everybody else nervously sat around waiting on Johnny GB to come back in and blow our asses away with a 9mm. So I crammed another pizza top in my gullet and got the H out of there, and who should I see standing in the parking lot with arms crossed, leaning up against a car (3 cars away from mine!!!) and glaring into Stevie B's but,,,,yep you guessed it,,, Crazy A. Johnny GangBanger!!! Oh joy! He's gonna kill me in the damn parking lot.

So I walked to the far end of the parking lot and snuck up to my car and got in, just as another guy from the place approached my car beside me from the other direction. As we were pulling out, we both gave each other a look like, "Thank God, we're still alive!"

On my way out, I was gonna scream something like, "Pull your damn pants" up at Johnny B, but knew that my car would probably conk out right then and there, and he would pull my arms off and beat the hell outta me with them...

What a douche.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Ode to my Car....and the damn Check Engine light.

When my Father In Law(FIL) kicked it back in '04, God rest his soul, I 'inherited' his Smoking hot 99 Toyota Corolla. (And by smoking, I mean like real smoke, coming out of the tail pipe!) Actually it’s not too bad of a car. I have put ATLEAST 50,000 mile on it, and only :
1 set of brakes. (Maybe 2)
1 engine gasket of some sort.
1 or 2 sets of tires.
countless quarts of yummy oil

I say that I ‘inherited’ the car, because it’s really not ours. My MIL insists that although she hasn’t driven since the late 70’s when she was burning up the roads back in the day in Queens (NY) that she is totally going to start driving ‘her car’ just as soon as the state of Georgia comes to their minds and takes the curves and hills out of all the roads down here. I figure that this might take some time, therefore I have been driving ‘her’car in the meantime….just to keep the engine was rusting… ya’ know.

So, the little ugly white Corolla, or as I affectionately call her, Gertie the Ghost has been taking me to 100 miles round trip everyday to work and school. Never missing a beat. She’s warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. But suddenly,,,SUDDENLY (like last year!) I start to see this!!! and no matter HOW MANY TIMES I RESET the little monster, SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK ON!!!!! Ungrateful Car.