Monday, August 27, 2007

Eleven 11 Year old Girls at a Slumber Party?


Oh my!!! I barely survived this weekend!!!!!Thank You Lord, for helping me survive this past weekend.. And thank you everyone who gave me good suggestions for how to keep the little prisses entertained.

Just to let you know. 11 year girls don't want to watch movies, they want to DANCE, and SING, LISTEN TO MUSIC, and TALK ABOUT 'iS ZAC EFRON HOT OR NOT' (not hot), and PUT ON FINGERNAIL POLISH, then take it off, and put it back on, and take it off, and put it back on, and PUT ON MAKE-UP, and DO FACE MASKS, over and over and over til their faces are red and raw…oh yea, did I mention AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT?

So, in 24 hours, they devoured a half a sheet cake. (meant to feed between 30 and 50 people.) 4.5 pounds of candy. (They dropped the other half pound on the floor and the dogs ate it and puked it up on the carpet at midnight..) a cookie cake, 6 Papa John's Pizza (PPJ, You RULE!!! And I'd like to apologize to the poor hapless driver who came to our door only to be greeted by 11 screaming, freaking out girls. Sorry dude.) 3 pounds of chips, 36 kool aids drinks, 9 liters of coke, 3 boxes of cereal, gallon of milk, and everything else I didn't nail down or hide.

In 24 hours, we had the following accidents or issues. One girl thinking that a tornado was coming cause it was storming. One kid calling her parents and grandmother at midnight cause everyone was being mean to her. Tears. Fingernail Polish Remover in the eye. (And I forgot to tell the Mom about it the next day, yikes.) Explosive Diarreha (from all that candy I am sure.) Lost cell phone (found it 10mins after panic freak out mode set in.) Whipped Cream in the eyeball. And that's about it.

I learned a lot about my daughter by observing her with her friends, and I learned that girls ARE a lot like their moms. The quiet mom has a quiet daughter. The healthy mom has a health conscious daughter, the prissy mom has a prissy daughter (kid brought 2 purses for a 24 hour sleepover!).

Ofcourse my husband totally hid upstairs (Like a scared puppy) in his room until they all left… hee hee.

They were a good bunch of girls. We are lucky.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Just a little thank you for my employer......

Dear People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company,

Have I not been a good employee? Do I not rush out the door every morning at 5:30, just so I can crawl on a bus for an hour, then take the Marta train for another 20 mins with half a million of my homeys, so that I can be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed every morning?
Now, I knew that you were not one to throw around money when I came to work here, and quickly realized that the policy for ordering office supplies consisted of stealing pens, paper and staples from co-workers desk or waiting until someone quit to go through their desk drawers for fresh office supplies.

And what about the air conditioning/heating situation? It's true, our offices are beautiful works of amazing architecture from the outside, but you People in Charge of the New and Improved Phone Company, are one smart cookie! You, being the eco-conscious group that you are, turn the air off everyday at 6pm. Great idea! Unless you have to work over, or come in early. Not that I am complaining or anything… but by the time I get to my desk from the lobby, I have sweated a gallon all over my outfit of the day.

Good thing I keep a little DO for the BO in my desk drawer! We also appreciate the way that you have remembered how Jimmy Carter sought to balance the budget back in 1976, by having all of America set their thermostats to 78 in the summer and 68 in the winter. Thanks the beautiful floor to ceiling windows that make up the outer walls of our office paradise, that 78 degrees usually lingers around 92 degrees during the day all summer long. It's like being at the beach! But without the sand, and water, and cute bikinis, and beer…..

But I digress.. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for removing the free coffee that we have enjoyed these past years and replacing it with a new computerized machine that charges us .50 cents per cup for this amazing brew. And THANK YOU, for providing NO INSTRUCTIONS on how to use this amazing new invention. That's probably the best part of this whole change. Can you imagine the sense of accomplishment we'll all feel when we figure out where to stick our quarters so that a delicious brown bubbling brew will fill our eager outstretched foam receptacles of morning hope?

I can't wait to see the next batch of improvements!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Arg..... Another Year Older, just a bigger PITA

So the spawn is turning 11 and wants to have a party, no not just A PARTY, for that would be far too simple and uninspired! We must have 2 Parties!!! Cause we're all rich and everything.

So it's a swim party for all (at the neighbor's pool, THANK YOU FRIENDS!) then it's a slumber party for the girls afterward!! Oh freaking joy.. Didn't we just have a slumber hell recently? I think we did!

All I remember about that one, was the after the little itches left, I had no toilet paper (TP Fashion Show - a must do!) and the house was ABSOLUTELY wrecked. I don't just mean wrecked, like "Oh my, we (meaning me) need to vacuum and dust now!" but wrecked like FEMA Disaster Recovery Team with the search dogs, and helicopters. So while all you lucky people spend your weekend sipping your cocktails, I'll be sweating my arse off by a borrowed pool, holding a birthday cake and trying to make sure that 12 kids don't rise up against me and have a mutiny!! Cause that's what I live for OK?!?

Then it'll be off to the next lovely event of the day. Trying to keep half a dozen suger fueled, hormonal, future WASPs entertained for the evening (and way into the wee morning!) while making sure that no one gets their feelings hurt cause someone forgot to say something nice about their totally rocking pajama's from Wal-Mart ya'll, and making sure that they don't spill finger nail polish on my carpet, or play spin the bottle with eachother!! My life is so full…

On to other news….I have lost 25 lbs, and NO I DIDN"T CUT OFF MY ARM!! Even though I have seriously thought about cutting off a leg to lose weight in the past to win a stupid contest at work. I mean, it's a win-win situation! I instantly lose 75lbs, and everyone feels sorry for me cause, hey, I only got one leg. And then, I can start getting shoes half off!

But anyway, I WOULD TOTALLY KILL FOR SOMETHING SUGARY right now. 2 weeks ago, I inhaled a blueberry cream cheese biscuit from Hardee's and gained 5 lbs. Did I mention that my evil BROTHER supplied the crack to me? I HATE HIM sometimes, even when he's nice to me…

I will blog again, only if I live thru the weekend.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Career Suicide

Would it be career suicide to paint my toenails at my desk? Hey, I'm on ANOTHER conference call so what's the big deal.

Monday, August 06, 2007

This Stay-at-Home-Mom crap sucks!!

Warning! This post is long and tragic...

Ok, so I thought I'd take a vacation day from work today to send the hubby and kid off to the 1st day of school with a good hot breakfast and lots of love....HA!!What the heck was I thinking?!?!? I was wondering what SAHM do all day... Now I know, and it ain't pretty.

When I told the hubby that I was taking today off, I suddenly saw the wheels turning in his little mind.... I told him that I would cook a nice breakfast and fix little missy's hair so ALL the kids woud look at how cute she looked and die with envy!

He immediately assigned the following for me to do today.
1. Get emissions on the car
2. Drop off drycleaningThen Little Missy added
3 Get crickets for stupid unwanted toads that refuse to get old and die.

Then hubby added (by way of the child 'cause he knew I was already fuming.)
4. Pick up prescriptions. (Which was ok, because I needed to pick up my crazy pills at CVS anyway.)

So I thought 'since I wasn't doing nothing', I'd
5. Get the oil changed on the car.6. Get the repairman to check out the stove that WON"T FREAKING LIGHT TO SAVE MY LIFE!
7. Take mystery movies that I forgot we had A MONTH AGO back to blockbuster.
8. Pick up some contacts.

So this morning comes too early for my SAHM day. At 6am, I am cooking the breakfast for the ungrateful family!
At 6:15, the child is "tired" and won't get outta bed, so she doesn't get her hair done. (OK, I half a$$ed it, and she had to redo it.)
Then at 7:40, hubby and child run frantically out the door as I try to snap a photo of the 1st day of school. (I got the photo, 1min after she managed to spill her Dad's coke down the front of her shirt. Nice..)

No thanks for the food, I appreciate it, it was good or nothing. Just as they left, I smelt something that smelled like a cross between a corpse and a cat turd, it was my morning catbox present from Grumpy Gretchen. I don't know how she lays those dinosaur size turds in her box without dying, but she does EVERYMORNING! So, I had to scoop that monster out of the box before the smell killed all the houseplants (and me.)

So then I settle down to try to catch some shut eye til CVS opens, cause that's what SAHM's do, right? Ha! Phone starts ringing, its the church phonetree telling us to pray for some poor lady at church (younger than me, 4 kids, had an anuerysm.) So that tore me up, and I made a couple of phone calls about that.

By then it was 10 and time to do my 'missions' then come home and relax and watch soaps with a stiff martini..

1st CVS, tried to develop the photos I just took of the 1st day of school. You know the saying, "Photos in Seconds" HA!! Someone put an order of 200 photos on the machine RIGHT BEFORE I HIT SEND ON MY 2 PHOTOS... So the lady said it would be a 30min wait.That's cool, I have to get prescriptions anyway, so I walk over to the drug counter, and am told that one of my hubby's drugs was out of stock, er no wait it's suddenly in now, and we can fill it. So I wait while they fill it. Then the other lady comes over and said that the Insurance computer crashed and she can only give me half the presscription. (DANGIT!) So now I gotta come back later. But atleasy I got my crazy pills!

So I get to the car to discover that my water bottle is now heated up to 5 millions degrees from sitting in the car.. so I decide to wait to take the crazy pills until I have something to wash it down with.

Then on to Blockbuster.. Ok that was smooth, but I have a free movie that I can get, and since I am SAHM today, I have all the time in the world to watch a movie right? Ha!! I get there, take back the movins, the guys were nice, but it's monday, and THERE'S NOT ONE DECENT MOVIE IN THE ENTIRE STORE THAT I HAVEN"T ALREADY WATCHED!! So I get Miss Potter, 'the amazingly delightful romantic story of some old bird whose been dead 100 years, who wrote kid books about rabbits'. What ev! I grabbed it anyway.

Then over to SAM's (while calling my eye doctor to get my prescription). Got there, had to wait like 10 mins, then saw someone who I used to deal with 10 yrs ago when I went to the eye doctor, so I had to get all the dirt that's been going on with her these past 10 yrs. (She probably didn't remember me from Adam, but I remembered her, and so we gossiped, ok?) So since I was there, ofcourse, I had to check out the deals on clothes. ah, nothing special.

Then on the get the oil changed. You know those oil places that say, "we change your oil while you sit in your car! or 2 minute oil changes. Just say no! I sat in my car for 15 minutes in 1,000 degree heat while these VERY SWEATY OILY guys changed my oil. Not fun..

By this time, I was sure that I was going to die a slow death from not eating so I decided to go Stevie B's. Know what Stevie B's ain't no fun without the kids, and I can't eat carbs anyway! So I had a salad and like 100 slices of pizza tops, (no crust shall pass my lips!) The lady cleaning the table kept giving me dirty looks, and when I got up to get more pizza tops, she cleaned my table and took my glass away. She hates me cause I was being wasteful not eating the crust and she know that there's starving kids in India.. Wench.

So after I get some grub, I get the emissions done. OK, that was quick and easy. No complaining there. Except when I got out of the car, I suddenly felt the pizza hit my gut like a mexican dinner! Ah carumba!! I really need to 'drop some kids off at the pool' now!!

But I gotta wait til I get the freaking crickets and go back to CVS!!!

So I go to PetsMart, (you remember my last time there, Grumphy Gretchen, the cat from H*ll?) So I steered clear of all cute adoptable pets, and headed straight for the cricket case. They don't have no crickets til tomorrow!?!? What the heck are those stupid toads suppose to eat til then? So I go over the Pet Showcase, guess what? They're out of business! Great. so now we'll just have to cacth some out in the yard..wahoo....

Then back to CVS. Got the pictures and the pills, not probably.. But while there I suddenly remembered that I NEVER TOOK MY CRAZY PILL!!! HAAAA!! Now I will feel bad for the rest of the day, and I have to take them before lunch or I can't sleep at night. Who cares..It is now 3:30 and I still haven't 'dropped some kids of at the pool'. So I race home to do that.

Barely made it! Let's say I totally got the cat back for that stinker this morning, just to put it bluntly. As I am sitting there doing that, and checking the mail, I remember that I ALSO forgot to call the repairman about the stove, CRAP.. Oh well, how does sandwiches sound for dinner?

Afterwards, while I am sitting here typing this, the little one has the nerve to call me from school and ask me if I went to CVS, dropped off the drycleaning, did the emissions and got crickets!!! (I am sure her Dad put her up to this!) AND the old (moved out) child just called and wants to come home and cry on my shoulder about something.

I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!I swear if I could find the ladder, I would use it to climb to the roof and jump off the house!


Monday, July 30, 2007

Alaska Cruising....

And for your your viewing pleasure....

Things I saw in Alaska!

Yea, there's a whale in this picture. See him? No? That's because he's UNDERWATER! Duh!

Things we were told we'd see on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion...

Things that the tour guide on the $110 Whale Watching Excursion saw other times when he was doing the $110 Whale Watching Excursion ... guessed it Whales.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip! I'd live in Alaska in a heartbeat, if only I could figure out how to dress.. (One day it's tropical hot, the next day it's freezing ass cold!)

However I will warn you, Alaska cruises are geared toward old people. So if you decide to take one, better bring your own entertainment!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Where ya been Southern Chickie?

I have been on a cruise to Alaska.. So when I get back to work and find that I have 972 emails to weed thru, do I get right to work?

um NO!!

I check the blogs! I will post more details at a later time. It was a VERY INTERESTING TRIP!

Til then....

Monday, July 09, 2007

LIFE LESSON # 534,698

I have learned an important life lesson, the hard way, this past weekend.

Never talk to children when you’ve been drinking.

So Thursday night, I stumbled over to the neighbor’s house to retrieve my lovely princess from their pool. (Heck it was 10pm and a weeknight!) and found that ALL the little girls from the hood were swimming over there. As I am telling the kid to get her arse outta the pool and ‘come on’ she begins what is known as the bargaining technique..

The bargaining technique is used whenever a child wants something and is not within smacking distance….

Here’s how our little angel uses it:


Me: Come on darling, it’s late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning. I just want to know that you are safe and in the house before I go to sleep. (And to myself, “And plus, I’m wearing a ratty old night gown, that’s totally see thru and no bra, therefore let’s get the heck out of dodge before the neighbor’s husband walks out.”)


Me: (To myself, “Oh crap, here he comes!! Hide Boobies! Don’”) Come on darling! If you get out of the pool now (Right freaking now!) I’ll let you have a spend the night tomorrow.

A: Mu-wah wah!! Can ALL the girls come over?

Me: Ofcourse, now let’s run home. (To myself: RUN!!! Get your crap and MOVE IT!)

So guess who calls me at work the next day?

A: So we’ll be having 4 girls beside me, over tonight (Mu-wah wah!) Let’s order Pizza!!!


Yep, 5 ten and eleven year old girls camped out at MY house, in the living room. Giggling, gossiping, singing, dancing, eating pizza, drinking all my sodas, pouting, PMSing till 7am the next day..

I have quit drinking.

Friday, July 06, 2007

4th of July..What no Rednecks!?!?!

So we went down to Lennox for the 4th of July. For those of you not in the know..It's in Buckhead, which is still Atlanta, only it's 'uptown Atlanta'.
Got a GREAT deal on a room! (Thanks to my homegurl K!) and spent the afternoon with the family, the neighbors, and another couple, sitting by the pool, watching the kids (7) argue, try to race eachother, outdive eachother, kill eachother, whine about being bored, and play. Our room was right next to the pool, so guess who got to sleep in 7 wet spots? (Thanks to 7 wet kids watching cartoons in our room!) Because, hey that's why we rented a room downtown, so you kids could sit inside and watch cartoons!
Actually the kids were pretty good, however I did have to have a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with my own spawn.. She's usually sweet, but her patience was sorely tested yesterday being around 6 (other) wild children all day.
The fireworks were good, but a little short due to the drought. We didn't have any of the drama that we'd had in previous years due to mixing alcohol and red necks. Dang it.

I also had a Dr's appt with the hunney on Thurs. They took us in together, which was kind of creepy. Which means that I totally didn't get the complimentary breast exam I so look forward to each visit. (I'm kidding, hunney...or am I?)

So anyway, I beg and take on, act pathetic, and plead, but only get 2 freaking prescriptions, meanwhile HE walks out with like 8. What is up with that! No Fair... I am much more sicker that he is. I even had a fever for Heaven's Sakes!!! Stupid Doctor.
So today, it's back at work for 1 whole day, and I am totally dying. I am sure that I was born to lie back in a reclining position, eating bons-bons, and watching soaps all day........

Monday, July 02, 2007

Weekend Update...

Ok, this is for the men out there…..

It’s definitely NOT ok to pass gas on public transportation.

Now on to other topics:

I had a nice weekend. It was pretty relaxing, which hardly ever happens!

Friday night – Tried to watch The Messengers, couldn’t, too scary, and it was dark out. (I got more phobias that Howard Hughes!)

Saturday, took the MIL shopping. Of course she brought along a 2 pairs of pants that she had bought somewhere at Christmas and wanted to return. She had no idea where she got them from, so she wanted to visit EVERY fricking store in the mall to find out. (She never found out.) We had a nice lunch (ok, I am lying, we went to IHOP) at 11am, because she was STARVING when I picked her up.

Didn’t talk about her bowel movements, so that was good. She only complained about:

1. The sharp pain in her arm.
2. The sharp pain in her side.
3. Excruciating Heartburn
4. Arthritis

So, she is obviously having a slow month, due to her excitement of going with us on a cruise next week. Ahhhh the romance of it all.. Just me, my hunney, MIL, and the kid, oh vey and the niece and her vegan Orthodox Jewish cousin.

I can’t wait to see what this poor girls eats……. if anything.

Anywho, the Mil insisted on buying me 2 tops while at the mall, because I am having birthday in a month and a half and HELLO! who am I to argue with a smart woman?

After the mall, I dropped Mil off at the old folks home, and took a nice hot bath in anticipation of dinner out with friends. (My dirty little habit...the ‘friends’ are internet posters from my county's website!) Met a lot of people I know on line, and had a nice meal. Of course I had to hold a gun to my husband’s head before we left, but as usual, he got into the evening, was charming and pleasant, so we had a nice time.

Sunday, I rode my bike on the trail for 7 miles. The darn bike has flat tires, and I was afraid to inflate them too much, so I basically rode my bike for 3.5 miles, and rested, walked, ran out of water, and dragged the damn bike for 3.5 miles.

Got home, and co-erced the poor clueless hunney into helping me with the grocery shopping. Kipnapped him to help me do the 3 min wash on the car, so now it’s cleaner inside and out. (Not immaculate mind you, just $3 dollar cleaner!)

Went to Sam’s, watched him freak out when he recognized people from his school. (OMG! OMG!! That’s the kid from …….where do I know that kid from?)

Then hit up Wally World, cause it you can't find it at Wally World, you don't really need it!

Came home. Had a visit from the 19 yr old boy, and watched The Messengers with him and the 10 yr old, in the middle of the day, with the blinds cracked, so the monsters wouldn’t get me! (I am a puss!)

So that’s my boring weekend in a nutshell…

Now it’s Monday… All I got to say is THANK YOU JESUS for the 4th of July!

Per the older son, Grandchild's new word is, "Hello, Hello, Hello" and she uses it CONSTANTLY.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Today is Friday..Yippie! Last week, I screwed myself out of the weekend because like a dummy I redid the bathroom. It looks GREAT (I totally could be a designer on a homemaker over show!) but I spent a darn weekend re-doing it.

So this weekend, I plan to go shopping. I need to dress for formal night on the cruise we’re taking next week. I hate to shop for dresses, because 1st of all, I have cankles, and I look like a lumberjack in a dress.

And formal night on a cruise ship reminds me of the prom. You spend a couple of hundred dollars on a dress that you only wear once, and your date can’t wait to rip off you at the 1st opportunity.
I have other dresses from other formal nights, but they look so freaking matronly. I think tomorrow before I go out to shop, I may slug back a couple of fo-tees (40oz beers) so that I will be in the right frame of mind to get a sexy dress….. that covers the cankles, while exposing my wonderful cleavage to the very best advantage.

Then, after shopping with MIL, I have to take her back to the old folks home, then rush home and get ready for my night out with my gossip buddies. Who are the GB’s you ask? Well, that’s a group of people who all subscribe to a website for our county. We all get on the site periodically during the day, to spread gossip, provide breaking news updates about what’s happening around the county (such as cow loose on Main Street, take alternate route), argue about silly stuff, and brag about our gardens, husbands, and children. It’s like the new age party line. I LOVE IT!
This will be my 2nd meet and greet, the other one was small, but this one is going to be about 15 or so people!! So I am really excited. WAHOO! I am dragging the hunney along for this one, since he is ALWAYS a great conversationalist, and whined when I went to the last and he didn’t. (Even though he said he didn’t want to go!)

Other that those 2 horrible exciting things, I really don’t have any other plans, other than to looks for a snowsuit for the little one to wear on her dog sled run next month. I haven’t seen that stupis snowsuit in years, so wish me luck!

Don’t hate me because my life is SO exciting. (I know, what-ev heifer!)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Herman Munster...

This goes out to the man who rides public transportation with me. So sorry to hear you’re getting a divorce. Now I know it’s none of my bees-wax, but heck man, when you have a booming voice like Herman Munster and you chatter about it on your cell phone, THE.ENTIRE.HOUR. that we’re stuck with you on the ride, one can’t help but hear your saga.

So you need to ‘steal’ your motorcycle back from the wife? Ever you ever thought about perhaps asking her for it? Call me crazy (no don’t, I’ll cut ya!) but me thinks she might just be holding it as a bargaining chip… What ‘cha got to trade?

Forevermore you’ll be known as Herman. Herman, BTW, it’s a small town we live in, you might want to lower your voice. After hearing you on the phone, talking about the ‘new’ friend. I think I might have a couple of bargaining chips myself.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I've had better conversation with goldfish....

So yesterday was Monday... Here I am standing at the smellavator with my lunch buddy getting ready to go to lunch. (Wahoo, Lunch!) When she casually mentions that the boss is going with us.

Wha?!?! The boss?!?! The one I.can'


Took a minute to register but lo and behold, then he walked up.

OK, this guy is SHY... He's nice, but being the boss meant that all conversations about fornification, drinking, and 'how sorry men are' was TOTALLY off limits.
Heck if you can't talk about those things, what can is there left to talk about?

Hence the title of this entry....

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Stop me before I butt-kiss again!

What the hey… I have worked myself out of a job!! Since I have most inconveniently been sent to set at the (right hand of God) by the boss, I have been working like a total suck up…I am like that episode of when the Brady Girls met Davey Jones.

Geesh, he just asked me a question (as he came back from lunch and totally caught me playing Spider Solitare) and not only do I answer it, but I give the world's longest diatribe about nothing in particular. ARG!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!

Did I take my crazy meds today?? That usually shuts me up. I'll take another one, cause I ain't so sure, but D-A-M-N, I really need to simmer. Ofcourse if I take too many pills in one day, I'll lay in bed later and re-hash all the sucking up I did at work! Decisions, decisions.

So anyway, I have worked like a dog for 8 hours a day on stuff I used to work on for about an hour a day. (Hey, I like to pace myself!) It's not like I am a slacker, (OK, I totally am a slacker!) but this is a job that doesn't require a lot of brain power, so I have plenty of time to research "important" stuff on the net. Like Hollywood Gossip. Which starlet is really and truly preggers. (As it stands now, Christina A=Yes, Tom Cruise's Stepford Wife=No, Nicole I need to eat some candy Richie=Maybe), hone up my Spider Solitare skills so that I can go to Vegas and form a
tournament and totally win a million and read everyone's blogs.

But now that boss boy sits behind me, and apparently has a spring in his ass, and randomly pops up and by my desk about a zillion times a day, I can't get anything done, but work!!! What the hey! It doesn't help that I have a desktop monitor the size of a billboard. Gad!

In the last 4 days, I have :

Researched and updated all records in 4 different systems.
Cross checked billing records against 350 customers.
Cleaned out and Organized my email.
Updated and Organized my favorites.
Cleaned out and sorted my files in My Documents.
Organaized and planned ALL my workload thru July 31.
Cleaned my drawers out, and top of desk.
Cleaned fingerprints off billboard size monitor.
Defunked the crude off the phone where I now sit. (Miami CSI would have a field day with this thing!)

So I guess I will relegate my self to fricking updating my own blog on in Word, then convertly cutting and pasting it into the Blog………..and waiting on something to explode here at work so I will have some busy work.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Open Letter.......

Dear Friends,

This is an open letter to some people I know and some don’t know. Some people I know and wish I didn’t know…And some people I’ll never know, THANK YOU JESUS.

To my new buddy, thank you for regaling me with tales of your uterus while I am trapped for hours on end, on public transportation with you. Who knew that uteruses could be like combat zones, and the stories that you loudly tell would make so many people nauseated each time you screamed out the terrible tales of horror and tragedy regarding your uterus!

And thank you for all the interesting stories about your high schools days! I can’t remember my high school days, but I am sure they are nothing compared to all the things you told me about when you were in high school! Wow, you knew the football captain! And even better, HE KNEW YOU TOO! Hey, weren’t you in the band? I thought that band geeks and football jocks revolved on different planets! I racked my brain for like 3 minutes last night trying to remember the name of my football captain. I’m not even sure if we had a football at my school, but if we did, then the captains name would be something like Biff, or Jock or something. Who knows, who cares.

Also, you mentioned your “boney white ass”. Honey, your ass ain’t boney and don’t you let people tell you it is! As a matter of fact, I was standing behind you the other day, and it blocked out the sun. Go Figure.

Anyway, public transportation friend, I (cringe)look forward to seeing you everyday.

To the liars who run the public transportation. Thank you for consistently lying to me when I call you because the ride is 45 minutes late, and I am tired of standing out in the rain waiting to pay you my $2.00 bucks so that I can ride with Uterus, I knew the Football Captain in high school, girl everyday. Gosh, after crawling out of bed at 5am, and working 9 hours at the phone company, riding home is the HIGHLIGHT of my day. I especially enjoy the ride when the air isn’t working, and we have a full load of sweaty construction workers crammed in like sardines. Does ANYONE beside me wear deodorant? No?

To the girl I’ll never know on Marta. Now, nothing says I’m a professional, take me serious, like a outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood, and multicolored braids to your waist. Gurl, I’m just hating on you, ‘cause you looked like a porn star in that outfit and 5 inch heels. I bet you get a raise at work. I really enjoyed the ghetto blasting, rap crap coming from those headphones around your neck. Are your ears really on your neck, cause something on the side of your head was sporting some huge hoops! Nothing like 30 solid minutes of some baby daddy rhyming about “hot ho’s” and how he’s gonna “get him some”. I would have complimented you on your sense of style and choice of music, but I saw that you were busy reading a parenting magazine, and I was afraid you might “pop a cap in my ass”. I looked forward to not meeting you again.

To all the losers who think that their seat, and the seat next to them on public transportation is their birthright. Hey, it’s rush hour, and I know that you’re either a homeless bum, or a business man flying back from Jersey, but would it kill you to put your earthly treasures on the floor between you legs, and perhaps give that seat to the 60 yr old lady whose been standing on her feet all day at work?

To all the young men who do give us there seats to the little old ladies. You guys ROCK!! Your momma raised you well. You’ll go far in life, and in heaven. God smiles down on you when you give up your seat.

And lastly, to my bestest friend in the whole world. Thank you for regaling me with the terrible tragedy that was your day. After working all day, then standing in the rain for nearly an hour waiting on my ride home, I really look forward to hearing about the horrors of your day. It must be a real bitch getting up at 9am on a Tuesday, then having to spend all day (playing)working on your computer trying to book excursions for our cruise that is a full month away, and hey did I mention that the excursions can be purchased on the ship? Then horror of horrors! Having to get on i-tunes to help the little one purchase songs for her iPod. How do you make it thru the day?

I am sorry about not wanting to get bizy with you last night, but after hearing about the terrible day that you’d had. I felt that it might be better if you tried to rest and perhaps recover so that you could brace yourself for another horrible day of your 8 freaking week vacation. You poor dear! I know that the days are slipping by, and another school year is just around the corner, and I do sympathize that you’ll be back in school again before you know. Try to take it easy for the rest of June and July, honey I worry about you!

As for me, I’ll spend the summer, getting up at 5am, riding public transportation with all my ‘friends’, and working at the phone company….oh! and (bitching)blogging about it all!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Why Dr Atkins needs a kick in the butt...

So I have been on the carb diet for about 3 weeks now. How much weight have I lost you ask? 10lbs? 20 lbs? NO!! 7 itty bitty freaking fricking lbs. What up people! I am dying for some chocolate!! I swear...

Now on to other news....

Like when the heck is it gonna rain in Atlanta? I went out of town last week and it sprinkled every day I was there. But not a drop at my house. I think God has given up on me and sent me and my block to hell already. My yard is brown grass and dog turds. So decorative! So not Martha Stewart!

Monday, June 18, 2007

I'm baaaaaaaack!

It's been a long year. I am back in the wonderful East Tower at work, and back to blogging more regularly. If you remember from last years posts. I was moved to the West Tower at work, and had MAJOR restrictions on the internet due to the "zone" I was placed in. Well, I am back and WHOOPIE!!! I sure did miss ya'll!

So let's review the past year.....

My older son found a girl, then they had a girl. (See angelic pictures of my most adorable grandchild in previous posts.)

My oldest daughter got married and has stopped speaking to me or returning my phone calls for some reason. (Oh well, I am praying on that one!) He's a good man, and I hear they are happy, so I am happy for them both.. Now if, they'd just get bizy on some chillren!

I kicked my younger son out of the house. (Slacker wouldn't go to school or get a J-O-B!) I love him, but I gotta be hard momma on him. He now has a job, got his GED, and sleeps on the floor of his friend Larry's bedroom. (I feel so sorry for Larry's poor momma!) I told him that he could come back if he paid rent, but he is living free on the floor at Lar's, so he said no.

My little-ist girl finally got B's on her report card and proved to us that she is human afterall and not a robot sent to destroy all mankind.. Kidding, she's not going to take over the world, but she IS going to be President on the US someday.

My husband FINALLY got out of college, graduated Magna Cum Laude, whatever that is. He's teaching at a middle school and loving it. (He loves it because now he has a reason to compain even more!!) He was voted new teacher of the year, so Momma's very proud! I love my hunnie!!

I joined a gym, turned into a gym freak and lost 20lbs, then I went on a cruise and stopped going and gained 15 lbs back....dammit!

Did 3 courses on line for a college, and now have college credits!! Yippie. I want to get more classes and maybe do something different with my life, but then hunnie announced that he plans to go to college SOME MORE, so I guess I will have to work around his schedule.

Ok, now to the BAD NEWS...

My poor cousin died in March. He was only 40, but he has been sick for so long. I heard he was in the hospital for like 6 weeks before he died. So that was sad. His mom has 5 kids, and now 3 are dead. Bummer.

My only living grand parent died last week. My grandma. So sad. She had a stroke about a month ago, and we thought she was getting better, but then she up and kicked the bucket! I think I am most like her. (A little crazy....) I loved her so much...

Well, it's been a short year and a LLLLOOOONNNGG year too. Missed ya'll