Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Maw In Law

So What happen to me? you are asking yourselves....

Well, Maw-in-Law is back in town..... Yep, leave it to an in-law to call you, after you are in bed, but 3 minutes before you are about to get down to biz-ness with her little boy!!! That's exactly how it happened too. (or didn't happen, come to think of it!)

On a Thursday night... the one night of the month when we were going to get lucky...Ring!!!Ring!!! goes the phone. Nothing kills the mood like the voice of your mother, in a hot hurry panic....to book a plane trip ...... to your house.... 3 weeks earlier than originally planned.

Love you Maw-in-Law!!! Thanks for the call!

So she was at her psycho sister's house. (sister = Sybil, 3 Faces of Eve, Angelina Joli in Girl Interrupted..) MIL and sister got into a knock down drag out, so MIL called us and wanted to jet back to our house. No problem, love to have you here...Only I haven't cleaned the house since you left back in February.

So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was spent in a frenzy of cleaning, clearing and organizing!! Even though, MIL has spent every single second since her arrival re-cleaning, re-clearing, and re-organizing, me, again....

On a brighter note!! She is heading back to my Sister-in-law's to re-clean, re-clear, and re-organize her house in 3 weeks. Oh Joy!!

I love having MIL at my house, she's Arabic and I'm Southern, so every sentence we speak ends with "Can you repeat that?". And though we have nothing in common, expect we both love the same guy, (Her boy, my hubby!),we manage to have fun. She is really keeping me on the go. She likes to shop, eat out, and visit places, while I like to lay around, sleep, and do nothing. Guess whose agenda, we follow? Yep, hers!! So you will hear less and less of me the next 3 weeks or so, while I try to work, clean house for a change, entertain MIL, and somewhere in the middle of all that, lay around and do nothing!!!

I'll miss you!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Children of the Corn..

So Saturday night we are feeling a little sorry for the neighbor, because his wife is not the proud owner of the local Tai Kwon Do (Spelling?) studio and now must spend every waking moment of their life at it, or funding raising for it.

So the wife had organized a "sleep in" to raise money for the studio (This in the same day after she did a carwash AND a yardsale for the same studio) So anyway, we are feeling sorry for the neighbor guy, because wife took off with the 3 older kids and left him with the 2 yr old for the evening. So I invited them over for dinner and a movie.

The neighbor is originally from Michigan, the red neck part. So I thought that I'd give him some good ole home cooking. So I fried up some chicken livers, steamed some cabbage, made pinto beans and cornbread and oh yea potato salad. Evidently people in Michigan never were as poor as us Southerns. He had never had chicken livers before. He was so funny, he said, "People actually eat these as a meal?" He wouldn't touch cornbread or cabbage. Put he did have the potato salad a little bit of beans, so I guess he didn't starve.

His 2 year old on the other hand was in heaven. I swear that kid will eat anything. He was slurping down sweet tea like it was heaven. He was begging his dad for beans (Those have to be rationed because they make for awful messy diapers, per the dad.) and I had also made some noodles for my finicky brats, but the baby was totally enthralled by the noodles. He was slurping those like worms, throwing them on his head, throwing on my son's head, making mustaches out of them, feeding them to the dogs... (The dogs were in heaven too, to find a new "feed me at the table" source!) The baby was just too cute!!

I just love the nieghbor's kids. They are so cool for kids. I think it must be because their parents have tons of patience and take them everywhere they go. I rarely ever hear the mom "snap" (which is something that I am prone to.) and she is always on top of their behavior. So that makes for well behaved kids. Now they do have their moments, but they are few and far between.

I think these little monster's are my training pants for when I have grandkids. I just love them, the come over and entertain me, and when they get on my last nerve, I just open the door and say, "Is that your mom calling? Must be time for you to go home!"

Friday, May 13, 2005

TGIF .. and keep the change

TGIF - When I was a kid, my mom has a pack a day - box of matches. (so classy..) Wednesday said something like "hump day". Saturday said "Bath Day" and Friday said "TGIF". I used to get the Friday packs and study them for dear life.

What does it mean? What does T-G-I-F stand for? Is this some sort of secret grown up code for something? Could it mean There's Ghosts In Fridge?

Hey I never claimed to be smart!!

Now, I know only too well what TGIF means. It's Friday, the day I live for, the day that I go to bed early so that I can sleep late on Saturday. The day that begins me weekly mini vacation!!

Damn, I need to simmer down, it's only a Friday, not like a national holiday or anything. Whew!

Yesterday I barfed. Now for those that know me well, I am not a barfer. I (unfortunately) retain every morsel that passes my lips. (Usually on my hips!) but I went out to lunch yesterday with a co-worker, had a marvelous feast of Pizza Hut Pizza Bar and salad. Got up to pay, and..... felt it all coming up! Yep, barely made it to the restroom. I felt somewhat better afterwards, and prided myself on becoming a instant bullemic. I actually felt quite slim for the rest of the day.

So by the time I get home from work, I am in a near panic to eat. I was so freaking hungry,,, that I could have eaten the "crotch outta a ragdoll" "the balls of a bear", "the ass of a orangutan",,, well you get the picture. (sorry for being so gross - but these quotes that I hear often from my redneck circle of friends.)

So my lovely hubby has made Lasagna. IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! Ofcourse even though he called to see what time I was coming home from work, so he could have it on the table when I got home... it still wasn't ready when I got home. I was practically hopping to eat. When I finally get to eat, IT WAS THE BEST EVER!!! really it was good! So even though I was felling queasy, I had a second helping. Then, even though I couldn't possibly eat another bite..I had a third serving.. Yep, I am a piglet!!

The rest of the night I WAS SO FREAKING SICK!!! to my stomach, AND COULDN'T BARF!! So much for my new found bullemia..

Seriously though, how could someone be bullemic? Crap.. is throwing up fun? Having to clean the toilet off, afterwards a joy! walking around with the taste of barf in your mouth all day orgasmic? I just don't get it. I hate throwing up worse than labor. Might be why have so many damn kids..

Ok - here is my "How not to get a woman to fall in bed with you" hint of the day:

When your woman walks in the door from work, dropping kid off at dance, running to the grocery store, and picking up kid from dance, while you ain't doing nothing at all- and is putting away groceries that YOU did not help carry in, and she has to pee like a racehorse. You must insist that she drop everything, and I do mean everything, to help you move the stupid entertainment center so that you can check the damn cable box of the retarded TV that you ain't even watching. And whatever you do, DO NOT OFFER TO HELP HER PUT AWAY THE GROCERIES even if she tells you that she will help you once the groceries are put away and it will go faster if you help!

This move will work every time you want a women NOT to fall in to bed with you!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

And while I am whing about my hubby, my daughter sent this...

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

she reads my mind..

Men!! Can't live with 'em, ain't allowed to kill 'em

My dearest hubby is on break from college. (Will this darn man ever graduate?!?) So he is under the impression that although I get up at the crack of dawn, and disappear all day, that I must not be doing anything, therefore I must wait on him hand and foot, whilst he sits atop his throne and orders me about!! Men are useless..

Sunday, (MOTHER'S DAY!!!) I assembly EVERYTHING needed for the trip to the amusement park. (Food, towels, extra clothes, lawn chairs, kids...) feed the animals, pack the freaking van,etc.. etc.. while he lounges in bed.. Only after everything is packed does he get up and take a long and leisurely shower. Then after the entire family waits in the drive for 15 minutes, out he comes fresh as a daisy!!

Monday, I go to work. He calls me 4 freaking times, BEFORE 9AM!!! because he can't find something (his ass, probably!!) then calls to say, "Nevermind, I found it!". Ofcourse, because I work, I am busy and can't answer the phone. so I call him back and he says, "Where were you?" I swear if I wasn't 40 miles away, I would have just smacked him!! So Monday progresses, and I get home from work. Is dinner ready, I ask you? Heck no!!! He took the car to the mechanic and HUNG OUT AND TALKED TO THE GUY ALL DAY!! Cause that's what my husband does, he doesn't drop anything off to be repaired and then comes back... HECK NO!!! He just hangs out and talks your ears off, while you fix what he brought to you. Does he trust me to have it repaired? A mere woman?!? Heck No!! So I get home, throw dinner together and then have to listen to him whine about how hard his day was.

Later that night he gets in the bed and starts whining about how he needs me to bring him up a bowl of ice cream. OK, no problem. between making sure teeth are brushed, doing laundry, cleaning up the damn dinner dishes from the dinner that I COOKED, AFTER I GOT HOME FROM WORKING ALL DAY, picking up kid from work, feeding animals, chasing down and putting animals in for night, locking up, turning off the 1 million lights all over the house that you and the kids left on, I will be more than happy to get your lazy butt some DARN ICECREAM!!!!

So ofcourse I forgot the ice cream. Does he just let it go?!?!? Heck NO!! He starts with the "You forgot my icecream, WAH!! That's OK. I do stuff all the time for you!, But don't worry about it, that's quite OK, I'll just lay here...hint hint hint!" So instead of hearing his wanking for the next 8 hours, I go get the damn ice cream!!

Tuesday - He takes the other 2 cars for tires. (Yep, I could have just dropped them off, but remember "I'm just a woman!) So he must research every freaking site within a 1,000 mile radious of our house on the internet, to make sure the he's getting the best deal. (Darn!! These things are a dime cheaper per tire in ALA? That's almost a whole dollar!) But aleast he did cook dinner, so I will give him that. Even though he tried to substitute collards for spianch in the dish. (It was yuk!) Ofcourse I told him it was delicious, so that I wouldn't have to hear about how he "slaved" in the kitchen and I didn't appreciate it. Guess who cleared the table? Yep, me..

Then he made me watch "Ole Yeller"with him and the little one! "OLE YELLER" hurls!! It was just as bad this time as the other 7 million times I watched it every freaking Sunday night of my life growing up!!!

So today is Wednesday, he says that he is doing yard work. What he is doing I have no clue. Looks like he has about $200 worth of chemicals to throw out on the yard. We really don't have grass, in the back. It's all weeds, and overgrowth. Our front yard is about the size of my ass, and it looks fine to me. I am sure that this "yard work" (or using the riding mower with his toy hooked to the back to throw out the fertilizer) will take all day, therefore I will need to cook dinner.

It's be nice if he helped with house work, but he has no freaking idea where we even keep the vacuum cleaner, or the mop (even though he passes by it EVERY time he goes out into the garage to worship his mower!)

Do I sound a little bitter? A little jealous that he's on vacation and I'm not? Maybe I need to be medicated.. Or euthanized? Maybe I'm getting my period? Yep, that must be it.

My sister-in-law (married to my brother) was recently telling me how she gets prescription drugs from her doctor. She said to just say to the doctor, "I want to saw my husband's head off, do you have anything to stop that?" Yea, maybe I need to talk to the doctor.. haha

Seriously, I do love my husband and I am the reason he is so aggravating. I think that I marry a man and then set about making him helpless the minute I say, "I do!" so it's all my own fault.

And I wouldn't change anything about him for the world!!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Ice Cream Headache...

Sometimes, you just play like you're rich!! So this morning to celebrate that my co-worker's back from vacation (yep, I live for the little moments..) I went down stairs to our "Psuedo Starbuck's" and got me a strawberry smoothie for an amzing $3 dollas. *Yep, I said Dollas on purpose, so bite me, already you spell checker nazis.)

So anywho, I have been sucking on this silly thing like a porn queen, and I can't get the darn thing up thru the straw. Damn, I really wanted a ice cream headache. (Strange I know. but I like that feeling.) I can't stir that stupid thing, because it's so thick the straw just wobbles around, and bends. DARNIT, DANGIT!!!

This silly thing cost me a arm and a leg, and now I have to sit here and watch it melt before I can even drink it!!! I COST ME $3 WHOLE DOLLAS, I WANT TO DRINK IT NOW!!!! If you get what you pay forn, then I should've gotten a massage with this silly thing..

Man, I should have had some coffee this morning........

Friday, May 06, 2005

Welcome to Mother's Day!!

So this weekend is Mother's Day, and like all good redneck moms. I will be taking the kids to the annual MOTHERS DAY AT 6 FLAGS weekend. Yippie..

I actually dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.. I look forward to having the family together, going with the neighbors and hanging out, enjoying their sweet little kids, riding the rides, not waiting in long lines, and the beautiful weather.

But, I really dread, having to get up early on the one day that I could have pulled the "sleeping real late" excuse, packing the cooler, packing the car-while my darling husband is mysteriously MIA during the packing, organizing extra outfits and shoes-just in case (you never know!) hunting down sunscreen, showing my fat white legs in shorts to half the world, listening to kids whining about walking, being tired, being hot, being thirsty, being too short to ride certain riders, too scared to ride other rides, etc..

But then when the day is over, and we're back at home all happy and sunburned, I think, "What a great day, I can't wait til next year.."

On an other note... I took the girls to Target last night to pick out some cards and whatnot, and the little one saw my boy manning the cash register (He's so HANDSOME in the red shirt and khakis!!) she was thrilled to death!! So she stood behind him at his register and made silly faces while he tried to look all "hey I'm cool and business like". Instead of thumping her on the head or threatening her with razzberry boogers, he started talking to her. They talked about what they got me for Mother's Day.

A little while later she comes running over to me saying, "Na na na na, I know what he got you for Mother's Day, and I ain't telling."

So like any good mother, I told her that I would beat it out of her later. She was just so thrilled that big brother acknowledged her in public and was actually nice and cool to her.

I was so thrilled also. . . I live for moments when my kids show each other love.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me!!!

I was wrong... and I just can't live without you!!

I miss the 80's so badly.

Where else can you....

proudly wear leggings!

wear a old holey T-shirt and look like a Flash Dancer.

get your hair permed until it's absolutely fried and say, "I meant it to turn out that way!"

wear jeans that are so tight, you have to lay down on the bed, and use a fork to zip them up.

wear a pair of jeans from K-Mart that has a Willie Nelson slogan on that back pocket.

give a guy a hickey and not be accused of being a slut.

wear really dark blue eye shadow and not be accused of being a crack ho.

wear a mullet proudly.

sport a rat tail.

smoke a cig...ANY WHERE you want!!

wear a huge belt and cowboy boots and not look like a Texan

wear huge shoulder pads (SOO slimming!)

wear lots of ruffles

rock out to heavy metal bands without shame!

ahhh the good old days....

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Some people really suck!

So I see my neighbor out pushing a stroller the other day. Since she doesn't have a kid small enough to fit in the stroller, AND i know that's she's been looking to foster-to-adopt a kid, (and I think maybe she might have kidnapped a kid - and there's a reward for me to find it..) I go out and do the neighborly and nosey thing. I go out and - check out the new baby!!

So we are out in the cul-de-sac, and she has the cutest little kid out there, laying in the stroller. Sure enough, she's fostering the little dollbaby. The baby is only 3 months old, and is laying out in the stroller just being a perfect little angel.

Then she whips back the blanket to reveal that cutey-pie is sporting a body cast from his upper chest to his toes!. So being the clueless one that I am, I say, "What's up with that, is it pigeon-toed, got bow-legs?"

"No", she says, "he actually has 3 broken bones in his legs."

Seems he was dropped off at the hospital with this injury and another injury that happens when you slap a baby really hard in the face. When the hospital started asking questions, the people who brought her/him to the hospital simply faded away.

How is it that this happens!! I find it awful that we dedicate so much news time to some ditz who runs away from home 4 days before her wedding, but we have little babies in this same city who are being abused to the edge of death, and we never hear about it? I am sure that is this poor baby had dies from the injuries, we might have heard a 30 second news blurp on what happened, or read about it on page 14 of the news paper! But crap! let the kid grow up and run off to Vegas for the weekend and WHOA STOP THE PRESSES!!

Amazing! In this last year, I have seen a baby born so addicted to herion, that it was on methadone every 2 hours for months, while the stupid mother claimed it was only gas. I met a toddler that was "seized" during a drug bust, that baby later tested positive for drugs. I know a kid who almost died of starvation while his mom hung out at the Waffle House trying to turn tricks so that she could get a hotel room to get her child out of the winter weather.

Did we read about any of this on the news? No we didn't. We were too busy with the "Runaway Bride"!