Saturday, August 30, 2008

I found that I wrote this in my comments box.

Dear Anonymous,

In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance heels.

Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!

As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.

And thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, my penis works fine, thanks for asking. Er...Nope, car insurance is already covered, but thanks for looking out for me.

One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back.

Have a nice day.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Public Service Announcement for Men

Maybe it was the crazy dude in the rusted a-- Ford van on I-285 that nearly rear-ended me with an evil laugh and a gleam in his eye, while refusing to let my gurl in the Saab merge in front of him, (Dude, how-d you like it when I looked back, and motioned for her to get IN FRONT of me, you bout swallowed your 'chaw, didn't you?) or maybe it happened way back when my Dad ran off and left my mom, with 2 little children, and a newborn, in a strange town, after emptying our bank account, in the middle of the night... at CHRISTMAS, I just don't know when it started, but I am about over the way SOME 'men' behave...So Gentleman, our behalf of ALL the women in the world...I'd like to give you a little public service annoucement..

Yes, we ARE women, but we are also LADIES. Therefore, yes, we do expect you to allow us to merge in front of your in traffic when the damn merge lane ends. We also expect You, Mr. Man to open the door for us when we are walking into a building with you and our arms are full. We expect you to get your a-- up and give us your seat when we get on the bus/train, and you see that we are elderly, or have our hands full of children, groceries, whatev. We also expect you to hold the elevator for us, when you are standing inside it and see us running to make it, instead of frantically pushing the buttons to close the doors in our faces.

At home, we (the women of the world)do expect you to PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT. If the seat was suppose to be left up, it wouldn't have hinges. Face it, it was created for a purpose. When the trash is full, yes we DO expect that you will take it out, and when the yard gets knee-high in grass, and we can't find the children, we DO expect that YOU will mow it, not us. And another thing, girls don't know chit about cars, ok? So when our tires are ABSOLUTELY bald and swerving all over the road as we take your heirs to soccer/ballet/football/cheerleading practice, or the fricking car is smoking, and overheating so badly that the polar ice caps are melting, after we told you three months ago that something is wrong, AND YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT, please don't feel the overwhelming need to wank about all the money we threw away at the mechanic's and how they ripped us off 'cause 'we're just girls', ok?

Further more, as you are slaving away at your job all day, in addition to being expected to remember to put the damn seat down, and allowing us to merge in traffic IN FRONT, not behind you in traffic, and holding the elevator for us (It's alot of burden on you, we almost understand...) Please don't accuse us of sitting on the couch all day watch soaps and eating Bons Bons just becauase some of us don't work. Just in case you were wondering what we do ALL DAY? We are packing your lunch, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, trying to stretch your all mighty dollar so that we can afford ALL the wonderful THINGS that YOU buy for us, cause 'OH WORSHIP ME, I WORK, YOU DON"T', raising your kids, making sure they don't kill eachother and set YOUR house on fire, trucking them all over God's green earth, cooking your dinner, and YES, most of us are doing all this AND also having to work, just like you. And guess what? Unlike the girls on "Sex in the City", our jobs don't involve setting in nice restaurants all day, drinking martinis and gossiping about men, that only happens on TV, ok? So please don't feel the need to comment on 'How easy we have it at our job" mmmk?

Now we know that you are so put upon because sometimes, 'HOW DARE US', we have asked you to help with some of the above tasks, after we get off work. Or maybe sometimes we ARE actually tired after doing ALL the above, and ask for a pass in the bedroom. It don't mean we don't love you, it also don't mean that we're having an affair either, OK? I mean, hey, it's almost like when YOU are too tired to talk when we need to talk, or deal with the kids, so you SO SWEETLY leave us to deal with that, while you go relax. Maybe had you honored your damn commitment to 'love and chreish us, and take care of our needs like you promised in front of our parents and all those people years ago, maybe we wouldn't have to work and could complete ALL our responsibilites, in addition to jumping your bones everynight of the week!

Oh, and BTW, your farts ... NOT amusing. They DO stink, and burping at the table IS NOT a sign of appreciation for our cooking.

Please remember, not only are we your wives, we are also your mothers, sisters and daughters. We have the one thing that YOU really want (I mean, Hey! have you EVER heard of a mad FEMALE rapist on the loose?) and if it wasn't for US spending 12 to 20 hours of our already short lives, pushing out your extremely LARGE head from our most vunerable spot (Yes, it does HURT worse the getting hit in the balls!) YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE HERE!!!!

So next time you feel the OVERWHELMING desire to run us and our weeks worth of groceries down in the grocery store parking lot, cause we were walking in the walking lane, in your way, and you're 'in a hurry dammit!', or if the lane should run out and we feel the need to merge in front of you and not behind you 'how dare us!!', or we let out a blood curtaling scream at 3:00am in the middle of the night because our hineys just touched the toilet water CAUSE YOU LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!!! ALREADY!!!!, and wake you from your 'much needed sleep', please forgive us....and we'll forgive you, because 'you forgot', or you 'didn't hear us' when we told you for the umpth teenth time.

Honey, we know how you want a 'Lady in the Streets, a Genuis in the Boardroom, Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the Bedroom, we want that for you too! We just want you to know, we're trying our best, ok? Maybe you could try a little harder too?

It's a pretty small price to pay considering you got to vote and wear pants for thousands of years before we did...don't cha think?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The ALLI Chronicles - (Part II)

OK, before I get into the ALLI story. Let's talk PTA. I mean last night was the 1st one of the year. Am I just jaded, or are those skinny capri wearing Stay-At-Home-Mommie's just too much!? I mean Damn! Chill Ladies, have a cocktail already!!! I am thinking about having a PTA intervention on some of them ladies.

And on a another note, this is an open letter to my 7th grade daughter's new Science 'co-teacher':

Lucky for you bitch, my husband and child were too skeered to tell me what you did to my child before last night's Open House. I thought your dumb ass was 'a little' over the top to say the least. When you went into GREAT DETAIL to explain your side of the confrontation you had with my daughter, I thought something was off. You were really trying too hard to be my friend (and my kid's friend all of a sudden, which totally skeered her), ya know... Afterwards my daughter told me what had REALLY happened. (To get what REALLY happened you must take 50% of what the bitch told me and 50% of what the kid told me, and somewhere in there you get about half the truth.)

Let me warn you Neurotic 'Co' Science Skinny Wench, I know my kid is sulky and on her most sunniest, happiest days mostly resembles Wednesday Adams with PMS, but you are teaching my child and just like I have learned during my 40 odd years on earth, ignore the sulky looks and just teach the child. But, if I ever hear again that you put your face withing 6 inches of my child's face and stood over her menacingly as you were being pissy with her in front of the entire class.... I will hunt you down...

OK, enough of the PSA, on with the ALLI!!

Romantic Dinner for Two, Just me and ALLI
Mar 11 2008, 09:35 AM - Part two of my Saga with ALLI.OK, so I exaggerated a little (alot) about the anacoda tale, and the greasy gas story. There was none of that. (I was shizzing ya'll. Ha. I made a funny!)

Although I did feel bloated all day after taking my new friend ALLI. I just feel the burning desire to tell the truth about ALLI so that the pharmaceutical company who makes it doesn't sue (or kill) me for the previous post. I drove home, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was kinda of disappointed because I spent A LONG time mapping out bathrooms for my ride home, and was totally going to hit the RaceTrac if needed and get myself on of those big gulps, and a snickers. (Dang, you and your promises ALLI makers!)

So last night I decided to tempt the gods and make Country Pie. (Think ground beef, cheese, rice, spagetti sauce, and lots o' meat grease!) I made the pie, but it took so long, and I knew I suppose to be eating with my new friend ALLI that I totally freaked! So, I ate about 10 bites a salsa, finished off the Chinese Take General Tso Chicken. (Thank you Quality Chef on HWY 61 and Hiram Sudie, I heart your takeout cause it's the best eva!) and I ate some other random crap (See, funny again!) that went down my gullet so fast, that I have no clue what it was.

Anywho, Country Pie was finally finished, so I brought His Royal Highness his meal in his 'office' aka bed cause he's SO IMPORTANT and needs to grade snot covered papers from kids who are all going to grow up and work at McDonald's one day, but hey I digress. Afterward me and ALLI fixed us up a good healthy portion (um, big ole' honking plate) of Country Pie. It was so yummy. I ate it all and licked the plate too! YUM YUM COUNTRY PIE!!

Afterward, I started getting that bloated feeling a little, so I made practice runs (Hee, I said runs!) to the bathroom, and stocked all the toilets with tissue just to be safe.Good Girl, ALLI didn't turn on me though! (Gurl, I think I love you!) I was doing ok. Later that night me and ALLI had us a glass of wine to celebrate. When I got up this morning I had lost exactly a pound!! OH YEA!!! I am going to be good today and eat my salad, but just you want and see, I will break down sometime this week and take my girl ALLI to Wendy's for lunch and you know what'll happen then!!! (Cue the theme of Psycho here.)

For all of you who hate my crappy stories (Oh hey, they just roll out!) please simply hit back button and don't hate. I am just doing my civic duty (or, should I say doody!) by risking my health and testing this product so that others in Paulding County will know the real truth about ALLI. Today I am wearing brown pants cause you just never know when your friend will turn on you.

OK, that's the end, ya'll have a great day. And Teacher Lady,

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Crap!! Has it been a year already?!?! ALLI Chronicles (Part !)

Since that time I have lost, gained, and tried to lose again. 40lb. Reconnected with my daughter. Had my younger son move to AK, then Cali, then back home again, Dammit!! Had my old boy move back in Dammit! and also had my niece graduate from H.S., enroll in College and yes, you guessed it! also move in with me!

My husband has had an operation, and still not recovered 6 FREAKING months later, poor dear, My Daughter has turned into a running fool, running in marathons, and now roped me into a 10k for next summer. (God help me, unless I'm running after a Krispy Kreme truck.) Had my crazy mother-in-law fall inlove and marry a guy from her 'old folks home'. (He's old..but rich! Hey now!) and last but not least, I have changed jobs, AGAIN, and started college myself.

It's been a crazy year, and to top it off, it's time for the annual birthday sleepover (from hell) for the kid who is turning 12. All those raging PMS'er in my house, this weekend....oh life is good!!

I am posting something I discovered (tried) this part spring. I just want you to know that you haven't lived life on the egde until you've tried ALLI. The 'miracle' weight loss pill.....that doesn't really work.

So here goes! Read it and Weep. (More ALLI stories come! God, help me.)

Mar 10 2008, 12:01 PM

Ofcourse the instructions say things like, "only start taking ALLI on Friday evenings when you close to a bathroom", and "wear dark clothes until you get used to the effects of ALLI".

Think I listened to their silly warnings?NO, not me!! I live on the edge people!!!! I took my Alli, am wearing beige cords, and just ate a porkchop and salad smothered in FAT filled Ranch Dressing. I expect to hear intestinal fireworks any moment. Please keep you scanners and televisions tuned to your local news channel, as I am sure that there will be an emergency evacuation of my building anytime today..LONG LIVE ALLI!

(then later in the day....)

Mar 10 2008, 01:23 PM hour, eleven mins later, still wearing beige cords. But I have to tell you, it feels like a giant anaconda is exploring my lower intestine right now..

(then a little later in the day....)

Mar 10 2008, 03:48 PM

3 hours and 45 mins later. The Anaconda seems to be getting restless.... He TOTALLY interrupted my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It was like a huge spring was going BOING BOING BOING in my guts.Who knew that a ginormous Anaconda on crack made that sound?

Anyway, I told my boss it was just my biological clock acting up again. He got this look on his face, and called an end to our meeting. Darn these greasy gas episodes.

They . just. keep. slipping. out.

All the cubes on my row are now vacant. Bunch of Wimps.I am getting ready to start my commute home now. It's an 1 hour and 45 mins commute on a good day. It's Monday, not a good day. I shall spend the last 16 mins of my day, googling public restrooms on my route.Wish me luck!

More to follow....