Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Bow down and WORSHIP!!!

I look so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, I didn't lose the last 80lbs of baby fat from that monster I sired 17 short years ago!! It's my hair, actually.

I promised for years and years, never give in to the hype. Never toss out the trusty curling irons of my youth for a flat iron. NEVER slow down at the mall and pause when the nice people at the flat iron booth tell you that your hair looks like total shit, and then wave the magic flat iron wands in your face, and offer to change you from frumpy to stunning in "5 short minutes!" NEVER EVER, even look at the flat irons at Wal-Mart, or price them out, cause you can't afford a ceramic one anyway....

So guess who caved?? Me!

I got my, once a year, haircut last week, and asked for just a trim, and walked out $20 poorer and looking just like I did when I walked in. So as is usual for me, I decided that this called for drastic measures and decided that I couldn't live unless I got a perm. Yep, a good old 80's flashdance, stuck my finger in the light socket perm! So what do I do? I procrasinate, procrastinate, procrastinate... I mean dang, I just spent 30 minutes of my already too short life in chair at a hair salon, flitting away $20 bucks on an invisible trim, and now I would have to spend like 2 hours and $40 at the salon again for a perm!!!! What's a girl to do??

So in between taking the littlest spawn to Taco Bell for a "girls only" Lunch and picking up crickets for said spawn's favorite new pets (Toads!)and oh yea! getting the pooches nails trimmed. (Bitch gets a manicare, even I don't get manicures!!) I decided that I could swing by Sally Beauty Supply and check out......
that crazy new rice paper oil blotting paper that's only been out in Japan since the last, oh 1,000 years! So I bought some of that, and then THEY started calling...

"Hey!! Come here! Take a looksee! Nothing can hurt you in here... (Unless you got a cosmetologist license, then, hell, you can buy enough bleach to turn the entire population of China into Albinos!!) COME TO ME!!!

So I used the excuse to the lady that I (Peeping over at the flat irons) wanted to check out some fake hair for my daugther, so she could throw that fake hair into pony tail and look like Rapunzel! And well, I'll be a Son of a Gun there's them crazy flat irons!!!!

So, I casually asked (with slobbering lips and panting breath!!)"How much are those flat irons there?"The lady showed me the Cadillac of the flat irons and said, "Here's a good one!"

I asked, "How much?"

She says, "Well, it's on special!"

I ask, "How much?"

She says, "It's ceramic"

I ask, "How much?"

She says, "Well..... on special......with $5 dollars off... it's...um....only....um $44.95!!!" Do you get the feeling that this girl might be on commission?

After she gently picked me off the floor, gasping, I pointed at the flat iron prices at $29.99, and told her that I wasn't ready for such a big commitment.

She cheerfully grabbed the flat iron I had pointed to, and told me that this one also was $5 bucks off. YEAH!!!

So, clutching my purchases, I rushed out of the store, only to find the spawn's head popping up thru the sunroof of the car like a prom queen at the homecoming parade!!

Yep, I know it's a crime to leave a child unattended in a car, and that the Mommy Police will come and take away your mothering license, but dammit, someone had to hold the bag of crickets AND we had the stupid nervous dog in the car, and she's a notorious pooper whenever she's stressed!! AND I gave SheSpawn the kidnapper speech AND I locked the doors, AND I parked in right in front of the store,,,, AND, well, I know I was wrong dammit, already!!

So anyway, I get in the car, give the little one the "bad people gonna git you for sticking your head thru the sunroof" speech and then speeded out of the parking lot, mowing down several shoppers, so I could get home and try out the "new toy"!!!

So I get home, I had washed my hair and piled it into my mandatory Saturday ponytail earlier, and heated my new friend up... I then spent about 10 minutes parting and pressing my hair to near Malibu Barbie straightness. Then took a moment to admire my results.

It was AMAZING!!!! I was gorgeous!!! My hair, MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! It shimmers, it shines, IT'S SO FREAKING STRAIGHT.. I looked so hot, that I totally wanted to "do" myself!!! I could wait to show my little one. She didn't motive anything different. Not even when I said, "Do you notice anything different and pointed to my head."

So I showed the dog!! Then the other dog!! One just wanted to pee, and the other rolled over for a belly scratch.. Then the cats!! They both just yawned and looked bored. Then I tried to show the Toads, but one was busy humping the other one... However the 50 crickets that I had just bought to feed to the toads, seemed somewhat impressed. Either that, are they were just jumping all over the place because they knew they were dead meat.

So I decided that I would wait til my honey got home, and show him my amazing hotness.... So I put on a leetle makeup, put the new "push my boobies up on my chest again bra", and waited,,,,,and waited,,,,, then forgot about waiting and dragged my poor child out again, so total strangers could look at my hair AND BE JEALOUS!!!

When I got home later, he was there. (My honey had been to a Math conference (don't ask) and was away the night before) He took one look at me, and said, "You look so pretty!"

Ah, just what I was gunning for!! And ofcourse he got the most amazing loving that night!!

But better yet, my hair still looked good the next day at church, then again on Monday, and now again it's Tuesday, and I AM STILL HOT!!!!

I am afraid to wash my hair because I am afraid that it's just a fluke and that the flat iron only had enough mojo for the one time I used it!!! But on the other hand, it's been like 3 days since I washed my hair and HELLO IT'S TIME!!!

So tonight I will wash, and flat iron again. AND hopefully throw out my damn curling iron and NEVA look back!!!

Wish me luck.....

Only in Hiram...

Only in Hiram, will you see a girl riding a horse....at the movie theatre....in the middle of the day. Only in Hiram will you find tambourine Lady standing in front of the Target, waving her bible, thumping on her tambourine, screaming at traffic...telling them to "Get right wif God, huney chile!" and "Jesus loves you, u huh, yes he do!!"

Where I live, only 45 minutes from downtown Atlanta. (Unless it's rush hour, and then it may take you hours to get to downtown!) Hiram..

Not sure why I ever moved to this little hole in the wall town, but I sure do like it here!!!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


OMG - The Phone company is trying to kill me!!! But anyway....

So when we last left off, our beautiful, yet hapless, heroine had been tied to the railroad tracks by the dastardly villain.....Oh wait.. wrong story!!

So I told you about how it happened and where my mother sent me to live during the time...But before I take you into Labor and Delivery..let me tell you about 1 last memory of my time at "The Florence Crittenton Home for Unwed Mothers, and Runaway Girls".

My mother had a friend named Betty that she liked to hang with. Bebe was a divorce with 2 daughters by husband #1, and a daughter by husband #2. The 2 older girls were my age, and they were sweet girls, The younger daughter was about 8 years younger than us and a little spoiled rotten monster. Little Bit was the spittin image, in every way, of her manic depressive grouchy ass mother.

Once Little Bit was born, the older daughters became the built in babysitters so that Bebe and my mom could run around town, and scout out new husbands! Betty also loved to take out all her frustrations on these poor girls too. They cooked, they cleaned, they watched the little monster, and all they every got in return for this was Bebe's constant criticism. (Or so I thought back then.)I used to go over to their house and hang with them while our mom's were out together. We'd listen to music, and entertain the demon child, call people on the phone, etc. but we never really were very close because their mom hated all children, (me, haha!!)and I couldn't handle her venom, so I kept my distance when Bebe was around, and Bene thought I was an uppity little bitch with a smart mouth. (because I was, maybe? Oh, she knew me so well!! Lol))

So when I got pregnant and went to live at "Flo's House", I got very few visitors, since it was suppose to be a huge secret that I had been "knocked up". For my birthday, my mother planned a picnic at a nearby lake and brought Betbe and her older girls. Once we got to the picnic area, I could just see Bebe's gloating face. She just seemed SO FREAKING HAPPY to see me knocked up, bummed out and near suicidal..

I can only imagine her conversation with her girls on the way home that day, "Hey, your little stupid asses will be in the same boat if you don't watch yourself!!" "You'll probably be knocked up like that soon if you don't watch it."

I thought to myself afterwards, "Yes, Bebe I may be here, but pregnancy only last 9 months, and you'll still be an dried up, crazy ass, bullemic bitch for the rest of your life.."  Later years I heard that she had mellowed out, was actually nice and all her kids were doing just fine. I chalk up the way she was back then to me just being jealous that although she was a single mom going thru a hard time, she was still very pretty, skinny as hell, had a killer body and was self assured. While I was...well a hot teenaged mess!

Oh well....just another hysterical memory..

So on the morning of September 17, I got up, dragged my bloated corpse to breakfast. Took one look at my oatmeal, and left to vacuum the hallway. (See, we all had chores at Flo's House, I had lucked out and had vacuuming that week.) Once that was done, I talked to nurse and told her that I thought that I might be in labor... She asked me if I had one of the 3 signs.

The 3 signs were..1. Labor Pains, duh!! 2. That gross Mucus Thingie, and 3. Extreme gushing of water from your girl parts.. I had 1 and 2. So Nurse (I wish so much I could remember her name!! - Nice Lady) took me to the hospital and checked me in, and disappeared to call my mother, while I under went the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life!!!

So some where, a man I am sure!, decided that all women in labor must been colonically cleansed, and have their girl parts shaved like a stripper... So this nurse holds me down, and does her trim job, then gives me an enema. Then she tells me to go to the bathroom, so I look around the room and see a very small door, and says, "Over there right?" She just gets an evil maniacal look on her face and says, "Ha, down the hall, on the left. Hurry!"

And me being the nice, never defecated on the floor, God fearing girl that I am, hold the back of my way too small, ass showing in the rear hospital gown, and make a mad dash out of the room, only to find that every freaking father to be on earth is standing in the hallway looking at my HUGE ASS!! So I finally make the 10 mile hike to the bathroom, explode like a atomic Bomb, and come back to the room, half the girl I used to be...

Then they put me in a bed, beside the female version of Hannibal Lechter!! I will call her Psycho Bitch for this story. I swear this girl was laying in bed, levitating, her head was spinning around, she was vomiting split pea soup....well you get the picture. So while she is taking a little break from screaming her lungs out and climbing the walls like a banshee, (these breaks seems to coincide with the soap operas that were playing on the TV / aka she only went wild during the commercials)I ask her how old she is... 27!!! So I began to look at the end of her bed, convinced that by the way she is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT, that any second, a 3 headed baby will pop out from between her legs !!!

So then in comes her mother, who makes Psycho Girl look like a member of the Mormon Boys Tabernacle Choir, and starts freaking out.... "Oh my baby, my baby!!! For the love of all things holy, give my little baby something for the pain!!!!!"Heading spinning around now... "I WILL HURT YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T GIVE MY PRECIOUS DARLING SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN!!!!" and so forth..

So then General Hospital, which by the way has way too many commercials!, comes back on and psycho girl is miraculously cured from the pain once again. So I ask her, "This is your first baby, right?" She say, "Nope, 2nd." then the commercials come back on again, dammit!!

So my nurse, not the evil one, comes in and takes my blood pressure, and she gets a stricken look and backs out of the room. Next thing I know, everyone is yelling and pushing my bed into another room, me, thinking that I must be dying, start praying like a dickens, "God I am sooooo sorry about this!! Please don't kill me, and I will be good, forever and ever, Amen!"

So they get me to another room ,and a female doctor comes in and turns on General Hospital (Like my ass was all into it or something!! It was during the Genie and Luke days, yuck!!) and the doctor sets down and starts telling me that she needs to take my BP again, that it was dangerously high. So she takes it, and smiles (all the while staring past me at the TV!) and says that the other girl must have really been upsetting me because my BP is now normal. (Thank you Lord, and I was just kidding about all that stuff I said earlier!)

So I say to the doctor, "Boy oh boy, Psycho Girl must be gonna blow any minute!" Doctor tells me that she's only half way as far as I am.... Damn girl!! Get a grip!! Then the nice doctor asked me if I would like something for the pain, never being one to turn down a good dose of free drugs, I say sure, and the nice lady gives me a shoot of Demerol and says, "Let's just sit here (While I totally don't work, and watch General Hospital!!), and let me know if you feel any pain. So I laid there, and she sit there, and we watch GH, and we sat, and we watched....

Finally after an hour or two, she says, "Don't you feel any pain? Anything?", I said, "Yep, but I don't even give a shit!"

Then she checks me, um down there.. and tells me that it is time. Heck GH was off anyway.. So we all go to the Delivery Room, where a nice lady then proceeds to jump and down on my belly until little Ms. Meh popped out like a pop tart popping out of a toaster!! While the another doctor was finishing up, he asked me if I needed anything, I had the munchies, so I promptly asked for a Little Debbie Brownie. Everyone laughed!! Dang it I hadn't ate all day!!!

Later, after all was done, and I was back in my room, sad, and blue, and alone....a nurse came to me and held me hand, and told me that she had also had to make the decision that I was about to make a couple of years before, and that she was praying for me.....

My heart hurt, I would be leaving without my baby. I would just go back to being a 16 yr old kid, trying to get out of highschool.. yeah right...

The next morning, I went down to the nursery, and immediately locked eyes with the most incredible baby ever to grace earth!! Her perfect little face, her tiny wise eyes..... I died a thousand deaths in that single moment, and promised her that once day I would find her.