Friday, July 21, 2006

Dogs are EVIL!!

So our annual 4th of July went off as usual. Let's see.... There was BBQ, Fireworks, Swimming, Drunkedness, and the usual FAMILY FEUD.. Same as always..Only one truly awful thing happened..... MY DEAD MOTHER'S DAMN DOG RAN OFF!!!

Stupid stupid be-aytch!!!

When my mom died 3 years ago, I gathered around the dog, with my brothers and we tried to figure out what to do with her untrained, groodey, stinking, flea infested, turd incrusted, stupid as dirt dog.

Brother # 1 - "I'll take if to the pound, but it ain't going in my car.

Brother # 2 - "Dur".. (not really, yes really.) "Well you can't use my truck, cause it ain't a running. (Yep, his cars NEVER run, and he REALLY talks like that.

Me - (Hysterical) "I can't believe ya'll want to kill the only thing in the world that made our momma happy! You guys are gonna burn for this! I'll take this beautiful dog, and love it as my own, and honor and cherish our mother's memory FOREVER!!! (or something close to that..)

So I packed up the little ungrateful, carpet pooping pooch, and took her smelly butt straight to the vet so that he could de-flea her, shave her and find out what the heck she really was, and check her for all kinds of nasty dog diseases! Then, I took the ungrateful mutt in, let her pee and poo all over my house til I got her trained, feed her treats constantly til she blew up like a hog, and loved her to death for the past 3 years.

HOW DOES SHE REPAY ME?????

She waits til we go out of town (and like the hillbillies we are, we took the dogs with us. ) She then proceeded to time her little escape until it was after midnight, with absolutely no moon in the sky, I was half drunk, was in the middle of no where, and had no shoes on... then when I let her out to pee, it was like someone had put a rocket on her butt, she started chasing my husband's van for dear life down a GRAVEL DRIVEWAY!! Did I mention, I had no SHOES ON!?!?!

Yep, I ran about 3 steps, stepped on a rock, and screamed, "I hope you die you ungrateful mutt"!! as she merrily ran toward the main highway thru town. Later, as my husband was coming back (around 3am thank you very much!) I told him, and you'd thought I had just told him that I'd killed all our children and burned down the house. He starts sniveling, gets teary eyed, and accuses me of "letting her run off". (He claimed he never said that,, but he totally DID!)

He then proceeded to spend the next 2 hours wandering thru the dark, calling out her name (Loud enough to wake the entire town of Philomath!) then comes in, man-cries a little more, vows that he will find her in the morning, and then tried to guilt trip me about "how scared she must be" and "how lonely she must be in the dark".

Meanwhile, I am utterly convinces the dumbdog is out getting her groove on with some huge Bulldog or Rottweiler and I start planning my next pet... (Less trouble, doesn't need to go to the vet...probably gonna get a pet rock or something.) Next morning, it was hours and hours of the same thing, wandering the back roads of Philomath, yelling for the dumbdog, and looking like complete morons.... All to no avail.

So we pack our stuff, and leave. My husband agonizing all the way home over the fate our "poor little dog". (Did I mention that he's a yankee from NYC, born and raised? Never had a pet growing up..)

Next day, he guilt trips me into calling the local newspaper and trying to put in a ad.I was thinking that it should go something like:"STUPID DOG - GONE!!! If you see it, kick it. Thank you very much."

But he wrote the ad, and it was much more descriptive. Something like: "Small black adorable dog. Missing in Town of Philomath. Cute, Adorable, Beloved family pet, if you see her, please put her somewhere safe, and give her lots of kisses and tell her Daddy is coming to get his precious little doggie"... or something along those lines.

Well, to make a VERY LONG story short.. Someone found dumb-dumb. She got bit by her big lover on the back, and my husband raced 2 and half hours back to Philomath to bring her to home. Took her to the vet and $160 dollars later, worthless is back, looking guilty as hell with bite marks on her back... LUCKY DOG!

3 comments:

As always... Rachael said...

That was really funny... I LOVED your ad!

JUST A MOM said...

wow sorry you got all them crap comments but you knwo I miss rreading yoru stuff if yfou coudl start back up again tha twould be nice.

southernchickie said...

Dear Anonymous,

In response to the fricking 64 comments that I just removed from my blog:

I am sorry that you need money for your child, go get a J-O-B, or learn to dance naked....in heels.

Thank you, I think I have a great site too, but when I clicked on your arrow, you tried to send a virus to my computer. Nicely done!

As a matter of fact, I will not be alone for Valentines Day, and therefore do not need a sex partner, but thanks for the offer.

Thank you for all the ads for pills that you posted, and my penis works fine, thank you again. Er...

Nope, car insurance is covered, but thanks for looking out for me.

One last thing Dear Anonymous, when I find you, I'm gonna spam the heck out of you right back. Have a nice day.