Thursday, April 09, 2009

Movie Review: Knowing, ...I wished I'd known before I wasted $20 bucks.

So the hub secretly worships all things Nicolas Cage. Ask him which actor he likes best and he'll tell you, "Oh I like Al Pacino, or Marlon Brando (or any other tool in The Godfather)', but he really wants to get a wonky eye, and hair plugs just like his secret boyfriend Nicco.. So he begged me to go see this movie with him last Sunday. Yea, that was 2 hours that I'll never get back.

So the trailer of the movie makes you think that Nicolas Cage has a set of numbers that will tell him when the end of the world is, so he can do alot of manly stuff and then save the world. The trailer is nothing like the movie....The movie starts out showing a little girl staring at the sky like a loon, while other kids are playing on the playground in 1959. Right away, you know that the poor kid is a loser. Let me give you a real life comparison. When I was in 6th grade we had this little boy named Wade in our class. Now Wade was a little pale kid with red hair and freckles, but he wanted to be a gangster worse than anybody I ever met.

So Wade spent all his time wearing skin tight maverick jeans and writing on his body with ink pens. One day, he'd write L-O-V-E across one knuckle and H-A-T-E across the other. Or he'd write some random name like Ethel on his arm. He'd flex his skinny white arm in my face until I'd groan and say, "Who's Ethel?: and he'd tell me it was his grandmother and how she was dead and blah blah blah.. So since no one was duly impressed, Wade had to up his game. So when we all had to go out and buy protractors for math, Wade started carving his arm. His carving cursive really sucked compared to his mad ink skillz. He'd come to school looking like he'd been attacked by a pole cat, and flex those pale arms in my face, until I'd sigh, and say, "What happened to your arm Wade?", then he'd proudly point to his bloody arm and say, "It says Wade, man it hurt like hell." Then he'd wince and look over his shoulder to make sure the teacher didn't hear him say the H word.

One day, Wade really upped the anty and brought a rat in a mayonnaise jar into school. A big rat. A small jar. It was brown. He'd caught the rat at his grandma's house. Dead Grandma Ethel... Creepy. Our teacher Mrs. Bornhauser was about 3 cigs away from a fatal heart attack, but she was cool about the rat. She said, "Um Wade, I'm gonna need you to put that thing in your desk. AND DON'T LET IT LOOSE!!" Wade being the little stud he was, said, "But I wuv him."

I never found out what happened to Wade, but I did see his picture on the DOCC website for convicted felons, so I guess he turned out ok.

So anyway back to the movie, this poor little girl, her name was Lucinda, and she was a loser with a capitol L, poor thing. So she's in 5th grade, and all the kids hate her, cause she's like Sissy Spacek in Carrie. So the lame school she goes to gets the brilliant idea to make a time capsule and have all the kids draw a stupid picture of what they think 2009 will be like and stuff it in the capsule. Right away, you can tell that although Lucinda is a loser, she's a heck of a lot smarter than all those other dumb kids in her class. Case in point. All these kids are in 5th grade, and they draw pictures using CRAYONS. I mean really! I know it was 1959, but heck, couldn't they have atleast used color pencils or something. And the pictures were so lame it was like my dog Pedro had drawn them, and he doesn't even have thumbs!

So loser Lucinda chose the high road, and decided to just go on a little acid trip and draw numbers, WITH A PENCIL, on her paper instead. Well the teacher, being the jealous bi-aitch that she was (Jealous of Lucinda's smarts, and her future ability to probably get laid unlike Miss Prissy Pants teacher) was like all, "Lucinda! Time's up! Give me that paper!" and then snatches it off poor Lucinda's desk. Total bi-aitch move.

Well Lucinda was pissed, so while Miss Prissy Pants takes the entire school outside to put their lame pictures in the stupid time capsule, Lucinda goes to the broom closet in the school basement to sneak a smoke, and finish writing her numbers. When she got there, she discovered that she had forgot her pencil, AND HER CIGS, so she just wrote the rest of numbers on the door in her own blood. (I bet Wade would totally do this!)

So then, when whoever produced this pile of crap movie got tired of ragging on Lucinda, the movie suddenly switches to 2008, and you see Nicolas Cage's huge fake hair covered head on the screen. This is when you realize the Nicolas Cage ain't got it no more, cause if he was still hot, he'd be playing a college student, and not a loser College Professor, which was sad. Remember the Paper Chase with Ryan O'Neal back in the 70's? Well Nicco looked like Ryan O'Neals college professer, and not Ryan O'Neal in that show. You know the old man, the 60 year old who wore the ugly corderouy jacket with the arm patches? That's Nicolas Cage.

So anyway Nicolas Cage is teaching a class and it was soo boring that I started counting the popcorn kernals in my bag. Then the movie switches to Nicco cooking weeney's for his kid, in the dark, in the middle of winter, outside, in the freezing cold. You can tell this kid hates him cause he won't eat the weeneys and goes back in the house. This is about the time that you find out that Nicolas Cage's wife thought he was such a douchebag that she started a fire in a hotel room and killed herself just to get away from Nicolas Cage. Now that's what I call serious hatred.

Anyway, Nicolas Cage is all up in his kid's gravy every chance he gets, and tries to be all funny and witty and happy, so the kid just goes to bed. So when the kid goes to bed, he starts hearing whispering, and stuff and he freaks. (wouldn't you?) So I don't know what happened next cause this is about the time that Hub started whining about having popcorm grease all over his hands. Hmmm, pour a gallon of butter over your popcorn then wonder why it's greasy? Yes, this is the brilliance of Hub.

Then the sad little kid goes to school and they open the stupid time capsule, and Nicolas Cage is such a tool that he gets to school late and almost misses his sad kid singing a song with all the other kids. Then they let all the kids pull a envelope out of the time capsule and ofcourse all the dumb kids are like vultures on crack, all freaking out trying to get an envelope, like maybe the drawings are made out of acid and they'll get high if they lick them, or something. So that leaves Nicolas Cage's sad kid with GUESS WHO'S envelope?!?! Yep, poor Lucinda's. Wow, I never seen that one coming...

Then Nicolas Cage and his sad kid go home, and Nicolas Cage does something stupid and pisses the kid off again. So the kid goes to bed, and Nicolas Cage gets drunk and starts 'seeing' things in Lucinda's paper, so he stays up all night writing on a white board, sniffing markers. Then the next morning he takes a picture of the white board to his tool friend at college and starts trying to freak him out about the numbers. His friend thinks he's stupid just I did.

So Nicolas Cage goes out and finds the teacher, Miss Prissy Pants, and starts freaking out on her about who is Lucinda?, what happened to Lucinda?, reckon she'd put out? So yes I too was shocked that Miss Prissy Pants was still alive, but apparently that's God's punishment for being a prude, you never get laid and you live forever.So Miss PP gives Nic the address of Lucinda, and Nicolas Cage being the total douche bag that he is goes ripping over there and sees a hot young wench getting in a car with her own Loser Lucinda. He then uses his spidey abilities and instantly knows that this is Lucinda's kid, and grandkid.

So like a total stalker he makes his sad little kid lay out of school and then proceeds to drags the poor sad kid all over town, stalking COL (Child of Lucinda) and her kid. Finally he makes his sad little boy go talk to her sad weird girl and through the kids, Nicolas Cage starts trying to horn in on COL. You'd think he's just trying to get laid, but NO, he wants to talk to COL about Lucinda! So she gets mad, cause being the suave guy he is, Nicolas Cage starts talking about what a crazy bi-atch Lucinda was. (Oh yea, that's how to win her over!)

Then for some reason, some really pale albino gay guys in turtle necks start chasing the sad little boy, and COL losing her mind, breaks down and drags her weird kid over the Nicolas Cage's house. Then her and Nicolas Cage think it's a grand idea to drag the kids out for a drive to poor dead Lucinda's trailer home out in the middle of the woods, on a school night, after midnight, with the world's smallest flashlight. So he and COL get to the trailer, the poor kids are passed out in the back seat, and being the responsible parents that they are, Nicolas Cage and COL leave the kids in the car, go into the trailer and create lots of sexual tension without doing anything sexual.

They just wander around in the dark in Lucinda's piece of crap trailer. That trailer reminds me of a guy I used to go 'visit' back when I was single and dumb. He was such a loser that I refused to take him out anywhere public, but he did have his skillz, so I'd go over to his trailer, when there was nothing else to do. Well anyway that was LONG before the Hub.

So Nicolas Cage and COL are in the trailer, the kids are passed out in the back seat in the dead of the night, in the freezing cold, on a schoolnight, and here come the Albino Gay Guys in turtle necks, trying to get the kids. Being the good parents that they are, ofcourse the car doors were not lock. So the kids are freaking out, ecspecially sad boy, but being the billiant child of Nicolas Cage he doesn't have the sense to lock the car doors, so finally the little girl starts blowing the car horn and the abinos run away and the parents break up the party and come out side.

This is about the time that Nicolas Cage has figured out that the world in gonna end and takes everbody back over to his house. You think that it being the end of the world and all that Nicolas Cage would be a stud and try to shag COL. But NO!! they both go lay down with their kids. But you can tell that both the kids hate it too because both of the parents are totally hogging the bed.

I don't remember much after that because I suddenly became fascinated with my popcorn and a gum wrapper that I found in my purse, but at the very end, a spaceship appears, the albino gay guys turned into space aliens with huge buttcracks and the kids, seeing this as an opportunity to get away from their useless parents beg the albino space aliens to take them away. Nicolas Cage cries like a bi-aitch and runs home to his mummy and daddy. They didn't look real happy to see him either. I guess it's because all thru out the movie Nicolas Cage kept trying to feel up his sister's boobies every time he hugged her. She totally look like guy too.

This movie was crap, and Nicolas Cage, as usual, did not stray far from the losers he's been playing ever since he made Moonstruck, the only good movie he's ever made. I give this movie absolutely no stars.

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