All is well.........

The house is quiet and no one's home but me... Ofcourse, I should have my fat butt at the gym, that I am paying for and not attending, but what the hey..

I NEED these moments. I deserve them. My house has been a place of chaos these past few months. Kids moving back home. Niece moved in with me,,, and oh yea! did I menation that she totally DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! (I'll tell you all about the adventures of Ashley some other time.) I've always waited for the moment when ALL my kids would be grown and gone, and me and the hubby could parade thru the house in all our naked glory. Having mad passionate s-e-x in every room of the house.....yeah right. Or least having being able to hap- hazard come into the house at night and throw our stuff down where-ever, kick off our shoes in the middle of the hallway, and eat ice-cream for dinner....

But not anymore. The BOYS ARE BACK..

Instead we spend our days worrying about whether or not they'll enroll in college, or next quarter's classes. Are they going to work? or out partying? or worse yet drinking and driving! Why does the younger one have a huge ass string of hickies all over his chest and neck? Did he atleast wear a condom when he porked that nasty floozy? Where's the niece? Is she lost again? Aimlessly driving around looking for a shoe store... to buy even more shoes with the allowance that her dad is sending her to buy gas to get to school? Have they ate? Darn right! They ate everything AND DRANK ALL THE SODAS TOO!!

Any better yet!!! I have relegated myself to posting passive-agressive stickies all over the house.
Case in point:

On the thermostat: Unless you pay the electric bill, don't touch me!
Microwave: Cover your food or die!!
Mini Blinds: Stop bending the blinds! Don't touch!!
Freezer Door: Am I shut?
Garage Door: Am I shut? Is the freezer shut?
Sink: The sink is not a place for your dishes. Use dishwasher!!
and 10,000 other notes that I can't remember writing but there they are, in my handwriting!!

It's like these freaking kids have totally forgot how to shut damn doors, clean up their messes, AND DON"T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR ROOMS!?!

But anyway, we'll survive... that's what families do best.

Eleven 11 Year old Girls at a Slumber Party?

JUST.SAY.NO.

Oh my!!! I barely survived this weekend!!!!!Thank You Lord, for helping me survive this past weekend.. And thank you everyone who gave me good suggestions for how to keep the little prisses entertained.

Just to let you know. 11 year girls don't want to watch movies, they want to DANCE, and SING, LISTEN TO MUSIC, and TALK ABOUT 'iS ZAC EFRON HOT OR NOT' (not hot), and PUT ON FINGERNAIL POLISH, then take it off, and put it back on, and take it off, and put it back on, and PUT ON MAKE-UP, and DO FACE MASKS, over and over and over til their faces are red and raw…oh yea, did I mention AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT?

So, in 24 hours, they devoured a half a sheet cake. (meant to feed between 30 and 50 people.) 4.5 pounds of candy. (They dropped the other half pound on the floor and the dogs ate it and puked it up on the carpet at midnight..) a cookie cake, 6 Papa John's Pizza (PPJ, You RULE!!! And I'd like to apologize to the poor hapless driver who came to our door only to be greeted by 11 screaming, freaking out girls. Sorry dude.) 3 pounds of chips, 36 kool aids drinks, 9 liters of coke, 3 boxes of cereal, gallon of milk, and everything else I didn't nail down or hide.

In 24 hours, we had the following accidents or issues. One girl thinking that a tornado was coming cause it was storming. One kid calling her parents and grandmother at midnight cause everyone was being mean to her. Tears. Fingernail Polish Remover in the eye. (And I forgot to tell the Mom about it the next day, yikes.) Explosive Diarreha (from all that candy I am sure.) Lost cell phone (found it 10mins after panic freak out mode set in.) Whipped Cream in the eyeball. And that's about it.

I learned a lot about my daughter by observing her with her friends, and I learned that girls ARE a lot like their moms. The quiet mom has a quiet daughter. The healthy mom has a health conscious daughter, the prissy mom has a prissy daughter (kid brought 2 purses for a 24 hour sleepover!).

Ofcourse my husband totally hid upstairs (Like a scared puppy) in his room until they all left… hee hee.

They were a good bunch of girls. We are lucky.

Arg..... Another Year Older, just a bigger PITA

So the spawn is turning 11 and wants to have a party, no not just A PARTY, for that would be far too simple and uninspired! We must have 2 Parties!!! Cause we're all rich and everything.

So it's a swim party for all (at the neighbor's pool, THANK YOU FRIENDS!) then it's a slumber party for the girls afterward!! Oh freaking joy.. Didn't we just have a slumber hell recently? I think we did!

All I remember about that one, was the after the little itches left, I had no toilet paper (TP Fashion Show - a must do!) and the house was ABSOLUTELY wrecked. I don't just mean wrecked, like "Oh my, we (meaning me) need to vacuum and dust now!" but wrecked like FEMA Disaster Recovery Team with the search dogs, and helicopters. So while all you lucky people spend your weekend sipping your cocktails, I'll be sweating my arse off by a borrowed pool, holding a birthday cake and trying to make sure that 12 kids don't rise up against me and have a mutiny!! Cause that's what I live for OK?!?

Then it'll be off to the next lovely event of the day. Trying to keep half a dozen suger fueled, hormonal, future WASPs entertained for the evening (and way into the wee morning!) while making sure that no one gets their feelings hurt cause someone forgot to say something nice about their totally rocking pajama's from Wal-Mart ya'll, and making sure that they don't spill finger nail polish on my carpet, or play spin the bottle with eachother!! My life is so full…

On to other news….I have lost 25 lbs, and NO I DIDN"T CUT OFF MY ARM!! Even though I have seriously thought about cutting off a leg to lose weight in the past to win a stupid contest at work. I mean, it's a win-win situation! I instantly lose 75lbs, and everyone feels sorry for me cause, hey, I only got one leg. And then, I can start getting shoes half off!

But anyway, I WOULD TOTALLY KILL FOR SOMETHING SUGARY right now. 2 weeks ago, I inhaled a blueberry cream cheese biscuit from Hardee's and gained 5 lbs. Did I mention that my evil BROTHER supplied the crack to me? I HATE HIM sometimes, even when he's nice to me…

I will blog again, only if I live thru the weekend.
Toodles.

LIFE LESSON # 534,698

I have learned an important life lesson, the hard way, this past weekend.

Never talk to children when you’ve been drinking.

So Thursday night, I stumbled over to the neighbor’s house to retrieve my lovely princess from their pool. (Heck it was 10pm and a weeknight!) and found that ALL the little girls from the hood were swimming over there. As I am telling the kid to get her arse outta the pool and ‘come on’ she begins what is known as the bargaining technique..

The bargaining technique is used whenever a child wants something and is not within smacking distance….


Here’s how our little angel uses it:

A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? NO ONE ELSE IS LEAVING!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!

Me: Come on darling, it’s late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning. I just want to know that you are safe and in the house before I go to sleep. (And to myself, “And plus, I’m wearing a ratty old night gown, that’s totally see thru and no bra, therefore let’s get the heck out of dodge before the neighbor’s husband walks out.”)

A: Wah! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!!!!! WAH!! WAH!! WAH!!

Me: (To myself, “Oh crap, here he comes!! Hide Boobies! Don’t.stand.in.the.light..”) Come on darling! If you get out of the pool now (Right freaking now!) I’ll let you have a spend the night tomorrow.

A: Mu-wah wah!! Can ALL the girls come over?

Me: Ofcourse, now let’s run home. (To myself: RUN!!! Get your crap and MOVE IT!)

So guess who calls me at work the next day?

A: So we’ll be having 4 girls beside me, over tonight (Mu-wah wah!) Let’s order Pizza!!!

Me: Oh.kill.me.now..

Yep, 5 ten and eleven year old girls camped out at MY house, in the living room. Giggling, gossiping, singing, dancing, eating pizza, drinking all my sodas, pouting, PMSing till 7am the next day..

I have quit drinking.

I'm baaaaaaaack!

It's been a long year. I am back in the wonderful East Tower at work, and back to blogging more regularly. If you remember from last years posts. I was moved to the West Tower at work, and had MAJOR restrictions on the internet due to the "zone" I was placed in. Well, I am back and WHOOPIE!!! I sure did miss ya'll!

So let's review the past year.....

My older son found a girl, then they had a girl. (See angelic pictures of my most adorable grandchild in previous posts.)

My oldest daughter got married and has stopped speaking to me or returning my phone calls for some reason. (Oh well, I am praying on that one!) He's a good man, and I hear they are happy, so I am happy for them both.. Now if, they'd just get bizy on some chillren!

I kicked my younger son out of the house. (Slacker wouldn't go to school or get a J-O-B!) I love him, but I gotta be hard momma on him. He now has a job, got his GED, and sleeps on the floor of his friend Larry's bedroom. (I feel so sorry for Larry's poor momma!) I told him that he could come back if he paid rent, but he is living free on the floor at Lar's, so he said no.

My little-ist girl finally got B's on her report card and proved to us that she is human afterall and not a robot sent to destroy all mankind.. Kidding, she's not going to take over the world, but she IS going to be President on the US someday.

My husband FINALLY got out of college, graduated Magna Cum Laude, whatever that is. He's teaching at a middle school and loving it. (He loves it because now he has a reason to compain even more!!) He was voted new teacher of the year, so Momma's very proud! I love my hunnie!!

I joined a gym, turned into a gym freak and lost 20lbs, then I went on a cruise and stopped going and gained 15 lbs back....dammit!

Did 3 courses on line for a college, and now have college credits!! Yippie. I want to get more classes and maybe do something different with my life, but then hunnie announced that he plans to go to college SOME MORE, so I guess I will have to work around his schedule.

Ok, now to the BAD NEWS...

My poor cousin died in March. He was only 40, but he has been sick for so long. I heard he was in the hospital for like 6 weeks before he died. So that was sad. His mom has 5 kids, and now 3 are dead. Bummer.

My only living grand parent died last week. My grandma. So sad. She had a stroke about a month ago, and we thought she was getting better, but then she up and kicked the bucket! I think I am most like her. (A little crazy....) I loved her so much...


Well, it's been a short year and a LLLLOOOONNNGG year too. Missed ya'll

I am PERFECT!!!!

Hello! My name is Sabrina!

And i t's not my fault, I'm perfect... I was born that way..

For example:

My parents think I am perfect:

My granny thinks I hung the moon:

And I did!! Because I AM PERFECT!!!

and

CUTE

and

ADORABLE

and

BRILLIANT.

Even when I don't try to be!!!

Like when I wear my cute little dress:

Even with my hair wet:

ADORABLE!!!!

Look into my eyes......

You are now under my spell of cuteness!!

Thank you for your time, if you don't agree that I am perfect......

I will BITE YOUR NOSE!!!

2 Chicks and a side of B eef

OK, I just had lunch with these 2 gorgeous chicks!! And B, "the boyfriend."

The one on the left? She's Mine!! (Lucky me!) and the one on the right, she's like mine!!

So this was my opportunity to meet B, my daughter's boyfriend, and while it's still fresh in my mind.. I just gotta give you "THE MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE".

Overall, I give B, 4 out a 5 lawn chairs!! I like him just fine, but he's dating my daughter therefore I must subtract a point for that!! haha.

See, my baby was born with a recessive gene. No tard's not that gene!! The one, that makes her smart beautiful and perfect. It's not her fault!! She was born that way... This makes her much too special for any man on earth...but I think B might be just about ok, in my book..

And in there lies another problem.... He's coming up on the dreaded 6 month mark!! And if you know my girl, then you know about the 6 month curse!!!!! Yes, I did mention it at lunch and I do apologize for that! (Funny, but in bad form..) See my child grows easily bored with the mere mortal man, because, well.. they're all so dull... So after a couple of months, the embers start to cool, she stays at the office later and later, more outings with the girls, less dates with the guy, excuses not to see you, because for the love of all things holy, YOU ARE FRAKING SMOTHERING ME LIKE A DAMN HASHBROWN AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE, and oh yea is it asking to much if I take a pee and you don't stand outside the door like a freaking puppy!?!?!

I mean, hell the poor girl can't help it. She's a goddess, and all men adore her!! But B is different... It's been almost 6 months, and we haven't heard

THE

FIRST

PEEP...

Not one complaint, nothing. AND he seems to have his head on straight. I mean usually by this time, my lovely daughter usually has her man whipped into submission, carrying her purse, well you get the idea. Not this one though....

He's got a little back bone in him, and he's kind of funny too! I like that!

So....what if? This goes on for 6 months?!?! And then they sign on for another 6 months?!?!? then another, and heck maybe they GET MARRIED!?!?! OH NO!

Then they have children!?!?!? NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!

DAHLINKS!!! I am too young for z grandkids!

But if you think about B... He's got good hair, but not too much hair like a Neaderthal. He's tall, but not too tall, like Andre the Giant, and he's not fat, and not too skinny, so their children won't be thin like little starving Ethiopians..

So, combine B's attributes with my child's dazzling good looks and brilliance... and my grandsons would turn out like this:

Only less gay, hopefully..

And the grand daughters might be alot like this:

Only not as homely... (Just kidding Condaleeza, don't bomb my house..)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. For heaven's sake, their only dating!!!

But just in case, I just ordered this t-shirt!!

Ouch!!

OMG - The Phone company is trying to kill me!!! But anyway....

So when we last left off, our beautiful, yet hapless, heroine had been tied to the railroad tracks by the dastardly villain.....Oh wait.. wrong story!!

So I told you about how it happened and where my mother sent me to live during the time...But before I take you into Labor and Delivery..let me tell you about 1 last memory of my time at "The Florence Crittenton Home for Unwed Mothers, and Runaway Girls".

My mother had a friend named Betty that she liked to hang with. Bebe was a divorce with 2 daughters by husband #1, and a daughter by husband #2. The 2 older girls were my age, and they were sweet girls, The younger daughter was about 8 years younger than us and a little spoiled rotten monster. Little Bit was the spittin image, in every way, of her manic depressive grouchy ass mother.

Once Little Bit was born, the older daughters became the built in babysitters so that Bebe and my mom could run around town, and scout out new husbands! Betty also loved to take out all her frustrations on these poor girls too. They cooked, they cleaned, they watched the little monster, and all they every got in return for this was Bebe's constant criticism. (Or so I thought back then.)I used to go over to their house and hang with them while our mom's were out together. We'd listen to music, and entertain the demon child, call people on the phone, etc. but we never really were very close because their mom hated all children, (me, haha!!)and I couldn't handle her venom, so I kept my distance when Bebe was around, and Bene thought I was an uppity little bitch with a smart mouth. (because I was, maybe? Oh, she knew me so well!! Lol))

So when I got pregnant and went to live at "Flo's House", I got very few visitors, since it was suppose to be a huge secret that I had been "knocked up". For my birthday, my mother planned a picnic at a nearby lake and brought Betbe and her older girls. Once we got to the picnic area, I could just see Bebe's gloating face. She just seemed SO FREAKING HAPPY to see me knocked up, bummed out and near suicidal..

I can only imagine her conversation with her girls on the way home that day, "Hey, your little stupid asses will be in the same boat if you don't watch yourself!!" "You'll probably be knocked up like that soon if you don't watch it."

I thought to myself afterwards, "Yes, Bebe I may be here, but pregnancy only last 9 months, and you'll still be an dried up, crazy ass, bullemic bitch for the rest of your life.."  Later years I heard that she had mellowed out, was actually nice and all her kids were doing just fine. I chalk up the way she was back then to me just being jealous that although she was a single mom going thru a hard time, she was still very pretty, skinny as hell, had a killer body and was self assured. While I was...well a hot teenaged mess!

Oh well....just another hysterical memory..

So on the morning of September 17, I got up, dragged my bloated corpse to breakfast. Took one look at my oatmeal, and left to vacuum the hallway. (See, we all had chores at Flo's House, I had lucked out and had vacuuming that week.) Once that was done, I talked to nurse and told her that I thought that I might be in labor... She asked me if I had one of the 3 signs.

The 3 signs were..1. Labor Pains, duh!! 2. That gross Mucus Thingie, and 3. Extreme gushing of water from your girl parts.. I had 1 and 2. So Nurse (I wish so much I could remember her name!! - Nice Lady) took me to the hospital and checked me in, and disappeared to call my mother, while I under went the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life!!!

So some where, a man I am sure!, decided that all women in labor must been colonically cleansed, and have their girl parts shaved like a stripper... So this nurse holds me down, and does her trim job, then gives me an enema. Then she tells me to go to the bathroom, so I look around the room and see a very small door, and says, "Over there right?" She just gets an evil maniacal look on her face and says, "Ha, down the hall, on the left. Hurry!"

And me being the nice, never defecated on the floor, God fearing girl that I am, hold the back of my way too small, ass showing in the rear hospital gown, and make a mad dash out of the room, only to find that every freaking father to be on earth is standing in the hallway looking at my HUGE ASS!! So I finally make the 10 mile hike to the bathroom, explode like a atomic Bomb, and come back to the room, half the girl I used to be...

Then they put me in a bed, beside the female version of Hannibal Lechter!! I will call her Psycho Bitch for this story. I swear this girl was laying in bed, levitating, her head was spinning around, she was vomiting split pea soup....well you get the picture. So while she is taking a little break from screaming her lungs out and climbing the walls like a banshee, (these breaks seems to coincide with the soap operas that were playing on the TV / aka she only went wild during the commercials)I ask her how old she is... 27!!! So I began to look at the end of her bed, convinced that by the way she is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT, that any second, a 3 headed baby will pop out from between her legs !!!

So then in comes her mother, who makes Psycho Girl look like a member of the Mormon Boys Tabernacle Choir, and starts freaking out.... "Oh my baby, my baby!!! For the love of all things holy, give my little baby something for the pain!!!!!"Heading spinning around now... "I WILL HURT YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T GIVE MY PRECIOUS DARLING SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN!!!!" and so forth..

So then General Hospital, which by the way has way too many commercials!, comes back on and psycho girl is miraculously cured from the pain once again. So I ask her, "This is your first baby, right?" She say, "Nope, 2nd." then the commercials come back on again, dammit!!

So my nurse, not the evil one, comes in and takes my blood pressure, and she gets a stricken look and backs out of the room. Next thing I know, everyone is yelling and pushing my bed into another room, me, thinking that I must be dying, start praying like a dickens, "God I am sooooo sorry about this!! Please don't kill me, and I will be good, forever and ever, Amen!"

So they get me to another room ,and a female doctor comes in and turns on General Hospital (Like my ass was all into it or something!! It was during the Genie and Luke days, yuck!!) and the doctor sets down and starts telling me that she needs to take my BP again, that it was dangerously high. So she takes it, and smiles (all the while staring past me at the TV!) and says that the other girl must have really been upsetting me because my BP is now normal. (Thank you Lord, and I was just kidding about all that stuff I said earlier!)

So I say to the doctor, "Boy oh boy, Psycho Girl must be gonna blow any minute!" Doctor tells me that she's only half way as far as I am.... Damn girl!! Get a grip!! Then the nice doctor asked me if I would like something for the pain, never being one to turn down a good dose of free drugs, I say sure, and the nice lady gives me a shoot of Demerol and says, "Let's just sit here (While I totally don't work, and watch General Hospital!!), and let me know if you feel any pain. So I laid there, and she sit there, and we watch GH, and we sat, and we watched....

Finally after an hour or two, she says, "Don't you feel any pain? Anything?", I said, "Yep, but I don't even give a shit!"

Then she checks me, um down there.. and tells me that it is time. Heck GH was off anyway.. So we all go to the Delivery Room, where a nice lady then proceeds to jump and down on my belly until little Ms. Meh popped out like a pop tart popping out of a toaster!! While the another doctor was finishing up, he asked me if I needed anything, I had the munchies, so I promptly asked for a Little Debbie Brownie. Everyone laughed!! Dang it I hadn't ate all day!!!

Later, after all was done, and I was back in my room, sad, and blue, and alone....a nurse came to me and held me hand, and told me that she had also had to make the decision that I was about to make a couple of years before, and that she was praying for me.....

My heart hurt, I would be leaving without my baby. I would just go back to being a 16 yr old kid, trying to get out of highschool.. yeah right...

The next morning, I went down to the nursery, and immediately locked eyes with the most incredible baby ever to grace earth!! Her perfect little face, her tiny wise eyes..... I died a thousand deaths in that single moment, and promised her that once day I would find her.

Morning After...

So when I last left you, let's see. I was or was not dating Bobby. Oh yea, we broke up. So the next couple of months were a blur of morning sickness, and skipping school as often as possible. I remember that during my sophomore year, I skipped school so much that when I DID show up, people I had known my entire life would just stare at me like I was a total stranger. I basically dropped all my friends and went into my little shell of denial.

My brother graduated in June from high school, so my mother planned a little party, and my Dad came to town along with other assorted relatives that I almost never see. But that time I was about 5 or 6 months along, and all my relatives must have known, because their eyes popped out when they saw me. I remember going to award ceremony with my mother the night before graduation (cause my brother was a total overachiever!) and watching all the seniors getting the awards and scholarships, and thinking, "Dear God, get me outta of this town!"

So as the summer bore along, I finally broke down and told my mother in late June that I was pregnant. Her first words? "What will all MY friends say?!?!?" Ah Mommy Dearest.... She was worried about what HER friends would think.. haha

So she told me that I needed to call the father, (Something about having them help pay for this mess, I believe). So I did, I talked to his mother(She's nice, but looked like Cruella from 101 Dalmations back then!) and she gave me the usual line, "Oh he's not at home right now." So rather forcfully I said, "Well you better get him home, because I'm going to have his baby, and we need to talk."

He
called
back
in
5
minutes...

And he asked the old standard question girls always love to hear whenever they tell someone that they're pregnant. "Is it mine?" For the first time in my life I went totally bitch on him, and said a couple of really not nice things to him..

My mother got me an appt with her GYN and we went to the appt. He took one look at me and said, "I'm afraid little sister is pregnant." and ordered an x-ray. So we ran over to the x-ray place, and got an x-ray done. They put it in an envelope and handed it to us. When we got outside, Mother pulled the x-ray out and held it up to the sun. And the SHE was!!

There was a picture of the MOST PERFECT CHILD ever conceived!!! One perfect child, IN MY STOMACH!!! Sweet little head down, tiny hands tucked under her chin, long legs crossed and tucked up to her tummy. My life changed that instant. I was momentarily blown away, I couldn't believe that something so AMAZING could be growing in me, right under my broken heart!!

My mother kept that x-ray hidden in her closet for years. I think as a reminder of what she thought that she had done for me. I, in a fit of rage, burnt the x-ray years later, when she had pissed me off about something..I so wished that I still had that, it was perfect....

The next couple of weeks were a blur of an aborted abortion attempt, and a short vacation to Tybee Island, where I did alot of watching the ocean and thinking about the future.. and my Mother finding a place to fix me or "hide" me.

My mom's first thought was, "Hell, she'll get an abortion!" So she took me to a "hospital" in Atlanta. Well, the sign said "Hospital" but it was just an old house that was an abortion clinic. When we got to the waiting room, there were about 60 people there, all waiting to get abortions. Some of them were chained to the chairs with police guarding them. I about died, when I saw that place!!! The place was old, and dirty and reeked of urine and cigarette smoke. But Mother just smiled and we found a seat and we waited for our turn.

So after waiting, and trying not to make any eye contact with any woman who might slit my throat, my turn was called. I went to the back and was introduced to a nice Doctor named, I shit you not!!, Dr. Hook!!!! and she had about 3 inch long bright red painted fingernails!!! I lost it... I freaked out and started hyperventelating, turning all shades of blue and red... She was nice, held my hand and looked at my x-ray. She said that I was probably too far along to have a regular abortion then proceeded to tell me about the "other" way they do abortions.

"Not a big deal, really".. but did require an overnight visit in the "hospital". First they take a needle filled with saline solution and shoot it into the baby. This slowly (and painfully- I bet) kills the baby. Then they open your cervix, and smack the baby in the head to crush the skull, so it will come out easier. Once all this is complete, then they induce labor, and let you hang out at the "hospital" and have the baby during the night. Although this sounded like "great fun", I continued to freak out. She then told me that I was probably so far along that I couldn't have this kind of abortion either. (Do you get the feeling that she was trying to "work" with me?)

After she promised me that she wouldn't harm the baby in anyway, I let her examine me. She then confirmed that I couldn't have an abortion of any kind, and went out to tell my mother. When we left that place, I was smiling ear to ear, and my mother was freaking out and bitching about needing a drink...

The next week, we made an appt with DFCS. We then met with a super nice lady at Dept of Family and Children Services. Her name was Harriet Wadkins. She was so comforting, she never judged, she was always sympathetic and constantly told me to call her anytime I just wanted to talk. My mother had told Harriet that she needed to find a place that would keep me til the baby came, help find a find a home for the baby, and not cost my mother anything (Since she was "so sweetly" giving (selling) them a baby! - Be-aytch!) So Harriet found a place in Chattanooga called The Florence Crittenton Home.

Harriet was also finding a set of prospective parents who would adopt the baby. The cool thing is that she was interviewing these people, then telling me very generic details about who they were, and what they were like, and ASKING my opinion on whether I thought they'd be the right parents for my baby!!! This was awesome!!! Ssomeone was finally asking MY opinion of what I THOUGHT was best. I almost couldn't believe it!! I think that she was sent from heaven now..

Florence Crittenton house was a house for pregnant girls and run away girls. By runaway girls, I mean girls who were either so bad or damamged that they couldn't live at home or in foster care. It was situtated in a old mansion near an industrial park. So it was gated like a fortress. It was a nice place although really old, but you couldn't really go outside the gates too very much or you'd get mugged. So we packed our bags and my mother dropped me off there.

Ok, before I go on, yes my mother was a bitch about everything, but on the other-hand she was also totally overwhelmed. She was a single mother with 3 kids, almost no child support from my Dad (or help), and she had a drinking problem. Here I was, 15, in school, got my self knocked up by one of her friend's child, totally helpless about that whole thing, and ofcourse with no help or support from the father of MY child. (He ran away and joined the Air Force after I told him. Was later kicked out for being a puss during boot camp.)

So my mother left me there, and I was put up on the 3rd floor with 3 other girls in my room. There were all pregnant like me. Once of the girls, Christy, later, who became my best buddy there, was only 13. She lived in Atlanta, and had gotten pregnant by her neighbor (I think that they call that molestation now!). Then there was Abigail, who was 12 and pregnant. She said that a distant family member had done the deed, but I kept getting hints that it was her father.. Poor thing. I can't quite remember the other 2 girls.

But there was other people there that I do remember, like the lady who was almost 30 and living there while pregnant. By the time of her Due Date, she had convinced herself that she would keep the baby and raise it by herself. Unfortunately she delivered during my time there, and the baby, a little boy, was born with the cord wrapped around his neck and died. That was devastating for everyone there.

Then there was the DJ who was in her 20's, living there and pregnant. She worked at a hip-hop radio station, and mostly kept to herself. She seemed to always be crocheting a mint green baby blanket. Just staring off into space and crocheting, crocheting. Whenever she smiled, she would just smile with far away eyes.. She was kicked out before the baby came. I think that she got back together with her boyfriend. (Her Baby Daddy!)

The there were that run aways that lived there. Or the throw aways as I like to think. One girl, named Patty, was just as sweet, sad, and loving as she could be. Her mother has been gone so long that Patty couldn't remember anything about her. Patty had been bounced from foster home to foster home to foster home. She was just so sweet, and meek and lost. She'd just hug on you, and hold your hand and try to make you love her... She was only 12.

Then there were the 2 sisters. They were bitches, but crazy mean bitches!! One was named Sue and the other was Serone, I think. They were like 13 and 15, both had children at home, making their poor mother raise 'em, and were at this home. They once gained up on me and tried to tell me how sorry I was for giving my baby away. I told them something like, "Me?!?! Who the hell is raising your babies? If you were such good mothers, why are you here? Is it better to raise children you can't provide for who will grow up and be just like you?" They didn't say to much to me after that. Later I saw one of them jump on one of the home counselers and slap the shit out of the poor lady. I have to say that the lady probably deserved it. She was one smug bitch.

There was a girl there who was about 15, can't remember her name, but she LOVED the truck drivers!! She dissappeared every now and then, or snuck out to meet and boink truck drivers. She'd always come back with a handful of pills for everyone.

Meh, before you freak out and convince yourself that you are a crack baby, I only took one "speckled bird!!"

Even though I was there to have a baby, I did manage to bond with many of the girls and other people there. Like Joy, a girl from my hometown, who had been raped and came there to have her baby and give it up. The Nurse, who was built like a line-backer with the meanest face I ever saw, but she just happened to be the sweetest person I had ever met and she could light up the room when she smiled. The house mother's who stayed with us at night.

Some were friendly, some kept to themselves. One of them was the single mother of 2 boys, and she would come into our rooms, and set on the floor like a teenager, and we'd talk long into the night about highschool, boys, and our dreams. She never asked us how we'd gotten there, and never judged. Or the "Super Fly" middle aged single lady with the rocking afro! I had to go down to her room one night after lights out and wake her up to check on a sick girl. Her "rocking" afro was setting on her dresser and she had her little bald head wrapped in a stocking cap.

I
about
fell
over
dead!!

Also some of the funny things there were when we went on outings. People would see about 15 pregnant teenagers get out of a van holding their backs and rubbing their big bellys... and their eyes would bulge out. Once time a guy, with his wife, was so rudely staring that I just looked at him and said, "Don't worry, we're not blaming you,,,this time!!" He started laughing and he and his wife asked all kinds of funny questions.

Let's see, I got to go to a "Mother's Finest/38 Special" concert. My 1st rock concert every,,, WAHOO!! Saw Hank Williams Jr's drunk ass about fall off stage. Saw Sara Vaughn in concert, she just blew me away. Saw and fell madly in love with Don "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" McClean's music.

Being there was like having 30 sisters. We were all in a jam together and learned to watch out for each other. Whenever someone would have a traumatic event, like a visit from a boyfriend or parent, or whenever someone was in trouble, we had their back.

I later moved to the 9th month room, which was the only room in the house that you could sneak out of the windows. Alomst every night girls would dress up in thier slut-clothes (Mostly the non-pregnant ones!) slap on tons of make-up, and slap their heels over the shoulders and make a mad dash out the window. Now to "escape" you had to go out the window, OVER MY BED, crawl down the roof of the car port, then climb down the fire escape. I never left, I was afraid I'd slide down the roof, fall and split open like a watermelon!!

Then after the night of "passion" was over, it was back up the escape, crawl UP the roof, rap rap on the window, and back to bed. I got no sleep in that room!! It was so hiliarious. They'd take off looking all suave, and come back with hickies all over their necks, make up smeared, their hair all smooshed up, and amazing tales of their adventures...

Also while I was there, Lady Diana married her Prince Charles. All the girls were glued to the TV's, watching every perfect detail of the events leading up to the wedding, and finally the wedding. We all wished that our princes would come and save us from our dreary existance!! Ofcourse all the days went by, and my tummy got bigger and bigger...the time that I had been looking toward FINALLY CAME TO PASS...

Then there was Bobby....

Why am I talking about stuff that happened 25 yrs ago? I have no clue... I think it's just that I think about that Robert Frost poem alot about the Fork in the Road...

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference


I am so thankful of the path that I have taken in life, but I do wonder about where I'd be today if I had made other choices 25 years ago. Here's a little bit more of my look back on time...

So after darling "Zitty Man" and I stopped seeing each other, I had went to church with a girl who lived in my neighborhood. She was a freak! Her parents were even freakier! The whole family reminded me of "Married with Children". I loved being there!! Her grandad had a wrestling bear, I.kid.you.not... or a "wrasslin' bear" as I recall him saying.. So she and I went to her church one winter evening, and while there I saw a guy I knew was a friend of my cousin Ricky. His name was Bobby. My cousin lived the next town away and went to another school. Farimount High - Home of the Bulldogs!!! Bobby also went to Farimount. He had just graduated when I met him. My cousin had told me that he was a "nice guy".

Anyway, I saw him there, and we chatted a little. He was 19 at the time, I was 15. Now before I tell you anymore, there were 2 classes of people in the town I grew up in. Not the Upper Class, and Middle Class, but the "I can't wait to graduate and get married and work at a carpet mill, and have lots a kids asap!" class and the "I can't wait til graduation, so I can get the hell outta of this freaking place!" class.

Bobby was the former, I was the latter. Bobby was 1 of 4 boys. He was Boy #3. He was the baby until he was about 10, then his parents had another little boy and commenced to spoiling that one rotten. Both Bobby's older brother's were already married and out of the house. Bobby's house was a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life. His brother's were always visiting with the wives and kids. Or he had assorted relatives around, and it seemed that his mom was always cooking loads and loads of food. It was the home, I never had!! Full of love, and excitement. (Not that I had a horrible home life, just kind of boring and ruled.)

So after seeing Bobby at church, we chatted a little and decided that it's be cool to meet up the next weekend and go caroling with the church. (Caroling - so hokie!!) So we met up the next weekend, and went with about a group of 10 or so and caroled at other church member's houses. After that time, Bobby and I became rather exclusive. Right after Christmas, I suspected that I might be pregnant. I kept the secret to myself for the longest time. I knew who the father was because at that time, I had only been with one person.

Once it became clear that I was pregnant, I thought that this was something that I needed to tell the "father/perpetrator" in person. So I called him, and called him, and freaking called him. He never answered or called back. After awhile I just gave up. Bobby suspected that something was up because I was practically outta of my mind with fear. After about a month of begging and prodding, Bobby began to suspect that I wanted to break it off with him. I didn't...I just didn't think that we were close enough to each other for me to share this with. Heck, I was going out and having the best fun with Bobby. He was my buddy, took me places, treated my like a queen. I thought that if I told him the news, that he'd run like hell, like any normal boy would! Like the father had. (I think he suspected, even though I hadn't told him.)

So one evening after hours of talking, and arguing about why I was so bitchy.. I came out with the truth to Bobby. I said something along the lines of , "Remember that guy, I told you about? Well, I'm going to have a baby, and it's his."

Bobby (Classic Bobby...) didn't miss a beat, didn't bat an eyelash. He just grabbed my hands and said, "I will marry you, and we will raise this child as our own, and no one will ever have to know."

I was in shock, and I was amazed. I told him that I needed to think on it. When you are damaged, you naturally assume that anyone who could love you must also be damaged. This is what I believed about Bobby. How could someone love me? I'm dirty, bad and no good!! AND I'm pregnant for God's sake!!!

Later when the offer was made again, I told him that we would just wait and see. As the months went by, I convinced myself that I did love Bobby and that we should get married. I later gave myself to him, thinking that I could love him thru sex. I did love him, but not enough to marry him and have him raise a child that was not his.

I later broke up with Bobby as my belly began to swell and he began to force the marriage issue more and more. I really loved Bobby, he treated me like I was sacred. I think that he worshipped me way too much.

After the baby (You- Meh!) was born, I later dated Bobby again. I told him all about what had happened during the months we were apart, and about the baby. He never condemned me, or made me feel bad about the choice that I had made. He just took my hands again, and said, "We'll get married."

As time went by, and we dated, I hated myself for the decision that I had made concerning the baby, and the big secret that I was keeping from the world. I felt like I wanted to die, and wasn't worthy of living. If ever I was close to killing myself, this was the time. Bobby loved me anyway, he never judged or questioned my decision. I gradaully convinced myself that Bobby must be crazy to love someone as flawed as me and began to find fault with him. I picked and picked at every little imagined flaw that he had. I eventually broke up with him, before he could come to his senses and break up with me!!

Very soon after, he married a girl he knew from his school and they immediately started having kids of their own. Last I had heard, the were still happily married with boys of their own. I hope their house is a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life...

The world is a better place thanks to men like him..

How I met your father....

So will be 25 years ago this fall that I met Meh's father, biological father, sperm donor,the Zitty Man, etc...etc..

How did it all start? Oh I remember it so well. I was only in 10th grade and homecoming was on the way. For some strange reason, I had decided that I wanted to participate in high school activities, after a year of standing on the side lines...

Yes, it was homecoming, and the theme for 1980's homecoming was "Popular Music", so our class decided to go with the song "Lonesome Loser" - "Have you heard about the lonesome loser?" So our float for the "big parade" was to feature the mascot of the opposing team playing cards...alone (So original). This meant lots of chicken wire and about a million paper napkins!!

So I caught a ride to the armory, which is where each grade was building their floats for the big day, and started stuffing napkins in the frame of the float. All of a sudden, I feel a light tap tap tap on my shoulder, so I slowly turn my head, so that I wouldn't mess up my carefully coiffed feathered bangs, and looked behind me.

And there he was... in. all. his. glory. Short, pimply, with permed hair,in the 11th grade AND with a CAR!!!!! He was part of the cool, rich boy, stoner crowd, so naturally my mouth about hit the floor to see him at an after-school event. Once, I regained my composure, I gave him a little toss of the hair, and smiled. He asked me if I had plans that weekend. Did I have plans?!?! Hell it was only homecoming week, and I had no frigging date to the dance! Did I have plans, you ask?!?! "I shyly smiled and said, "Um no, why?" (Naturally thinking that he'd taken notice of my perfect Farrah Fawcett hair-do and perky little boobies and wanted to take me to the dance! (Because hell, that was my crowd, the geeky going to the school dance crowd!!)

He just said, "Cool, wanna go out this weekend?" So I (a little disappointed) said, "Sure, what did you have in mind?" (taking me to the dance, perhaps?) he said that we'd just figure it out when the time came.

Well ,the weekend came, and I wanted to go to the homecoming game atleast, so we decided that we'd move our little date to Saturday. I went to the game, with my boring (non potsmoking) friends, and he hung out (God knows where) with his druggie crew. I don't remember where we went or how the date ended, but I do remember that he was sweet, we kissed, and that I liked him very much. He introduced me to pot that night.. We also drank a little beer, but I had never been much of a drinker, so I didn't get wasted. (It used to be SO EASY to buy beer back then!!)

The weekend before, I had had a date with a "much older guy" of 19 who had his head on straight, a full time job, (aka looking for a mommy for his youngins) and had pinned me down to the front seat of his Buick and tried for dear life to get me outta of my pants. (Think God for those tight pants of the '80's) The older guy wasn't too awfully rude about it when I said, "No way." but I just knew when he dropped me off that that would be the last time I ever saw him. It was our 1st and last date, ever.

So back to the 11th grader. The first date turned into holding hands and kissing (total PDA) at school the next week, long phone conversations, and promises of other dates. So, soon after, we decide to "move it up to the next level". Yet again we go out, he drops me off at the crucial 11pm curfew, and we discover that we have the house. all. to . ourselves....... So one thing leads to another, and we are in bed together. he had already told me that he had already had sex, so I thought he was a pro. Only he was terrible. I had no clue what I was doing, but hell I had read some romance novels... (Funny thing, I didn't know that you were suppose to hold you legs up when you were having sex, I thought that they were suppose to be plastered to the bed, so he had to tell me, "Hey, you are suppose to lift you legs up a little." So stupid!)

When it was all over with, he confessed that he was a virgin, and asked me if I was. I told him, "Duh! Yes!"

It seemed that after the 1st time, we couldn't get enough of eachother. We HAD TO HAVE EACHOTHER CONSTANTLY.. And our clueless parents, never seemed to be around. so we did it at my house, his house, friends' houses. We'd lay out of school, hang out at eachother's house, smoke pot (my new best friend!) and make love.

He was so sweet, and gentle. (But he still actually sucked at making love, now that I think back on it.) The best part of being a teenager is that you have spent hours and hours of petting, by the time you ever have sex, so you are like the Masters of Foreplay. I remember often sitting between his legs while we watched TV, or listened to music, and he would rub my arms, or play with my hair for hours on end.

My family wasn't really very demonstrative when it came to love, and my mom was single, so this was totally new to me. I mistook this as REAL LOVE, haha. But hey, I was only 15 at the time.

By Christmas, it was all over between us. He like most other boys was too broke or cheap to shell out any dough for a Christmas gift on a girlfriend (People, I know this, I got 2 boys of my own!!) so he gradually quit calling, quit coming over, etc.. etc.. I feel like our sexual experience had opened the flood gates for both of us. So, he started dating a total hooker from another school, and I met an older guy (19 again, DAMN!) that my cousin introduced me too. The other guy....


....deserves his own posting.

Should I be worried...

Here is a picture of my son and his church friends.....at church. It was a "church" bonfire. Should I be worried??

I'm thinking yes.

Parenting 101

I sometimes wonder how I can fully damage my children mentally. (The courts say that I am not allowed to "hit" them anymore. Not even where the bruises don't show.)

Here's some of the amazing tools that I use, in order to make sure that my children remain emotionally broken and move out of my house the second they turn 18.

1.) Go to PTA meeting wearing Daisy Duke's and a tube top. (I am a large, old woman, and have lovely stretch marks all over my body!) This is my way of telling my children, "Thank you for ruining my girlish figure, with your abnormally large head during gestation. I am proud to sport the body that you gave me!

2.) When ever I drop the kids off at school in the morning, I wait until the little darling gets out of the car and yell at the top of my lungs, "Mommy loves you!, Make good choices!, Just say NO to drugs!" This immediately turns my child into a Olympic Sprinter toward the school.

3.) Talk about your child's hygiene and bowel movements to completed strangers. Example: Task your precious one into a drug store or department store, the larger the better. Make your way up to the store manager or pharmacist while holding your child firmly in your grasp so that he/she can't escape, and ask a question like, "Do you sell Husky?" or "Little Tommy hasn't went number 2 in 3 days, do you have anything for that?"

4.) Talk to members of the opposite sex in front of your child. "So you go to school with Jenny? Do you think she's hot? Have you ever seen her wear that red sweater? Do you want to take her to the prom?"

5.) Make a scene. Laugh Loud, Sing to yourself in public, Talk to strangers. Wear anything bright...etc.. Just about any sudden movement or noise that you make that would identify you as your child's mother is a source of of extreme embarrassment to your child.


That's all that come to mind right now, but I am sure after I come back from a week of vacation with my little angels that I will have MANY more parenting tips to share.

Welcome to Mother's Day!!

So this weekend is Mother's Day, and like all good redneck moms. I will be taking the kids to the annual MOTHERS DAY AT 6 FLAGS weekend. Yippie..

I actually dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.. I look forward to having the family together, going with the neighbors and hanging out, enjoying their sweet little kids, riding the rides, not waiting in long lines, and the beautiful weather.

But, I really dread, having to get up early on the one day that I could have pulled the "sleeping real late" excuse, packing the cooler, packing the car-while my darling husband is mysteriously MIA during the packing, organizing extra outfits and shoes-just in case (you never know!) hunting down sunscreen, showing my fat white legs in shorts to half the world, listening to kids whining about walking, being tired, being hot, being thirsty, being too short to ride certain riders, too scared to ride other rides, etc..

But then when the day is over, and we're back at home all happy and sunburned, I think, "What a great day, I can't wait til next year.."


On an other note... I took the girls to Target last night to pick out some cards and whatnot, and the little one saw my boy manning the cash register (He's so HANDSOME in the red shirt and khakis!!) she was thrilled to death!! So she stood behind him at his register and made silly faces while he tried to look all "hey I'm cool and business like". Instead of thumping her on the head or threatening her with razzberry boogers, he started talking to her. They talked about what they got me for Mother's Day.

A little while later she comes running over to me saying, "Na na na na, I know what he got you for Mother's Day, and I ain't telling."

So like any good mother, I told her that I would beat it out of her later. She was just so thrilled that big brother acknowledged her in public and was actually nice and cool to her.

I was so thrilled also. . . I live for moments when my kids show each other love.

Kids,,,

So my little one (brilliant 8 yr old) is getting dressed for school as I am running out the door to work. I ask her what shirt she picked out. She says, "I'mm wearing the Iceland t-shirt."

I kinda pause and wonder, "Where did she get a t-shirt from Iceland"?

So I said, "You mean the Artic Bunny t-shirt"?

Her: "No the Iceland t-shirt".

Hmm.. I wonder. "Let me see it please."

"Oh the Island t-shirt"!!! "The S is silent in the Island, huneybuney"!!

That's my girl!!

Hell just opened a new attraction....

....it's called "The Skating Rink". Yeah, so I went there when I was much much younger, but my o my pudding and pie, how times have changed!

My husband overheard our darlin' 15 yr old neice plotting via the phone to meet a boy at the skating ring. So my adoring honey felt obligated to email me with this info at work. So, being the tricky oldlady that I am, I immediately phoned home, (Yep,she was still on the phone with the little perpertrator) and informed her that I work for the phone company and we can monitor any conversation that we want from my office. (It's true, we probably could if we wanted to, but the goverment won't let us, and I didn't technically say that I was monitoring THAT particular conversation...so I didn't lie) And I asked her what's all this stuff about "meeting up"at the skating ring......Total Dead Silence on her end, then ....."Uh, Uh, Uh, well...." and for some odd strange moment, I said those words that I will forever regret....

"Well, I guess since I can't trust you, I'll have to go to the skating ring with you tonight!" I swear, I must truly have tourettes syndrome!

So I hang up, leave work, and all I can think about all the way home is,"Why!?!?! Why!?!?!

I get home, and then ask the 8 yr old if she would also like to go. Well, duh!! Ofcourse she would! Then somehow, next thing I know, I am inviting along the neighbor's kid. (Which is OK because she has 3 younger brothers, so she is a naturaly babysitter, and keeps my kid entertained for the most part!)

So we all load up and go skating. Whee!! Well, I didn't actually skate, I was just there...Like a knot on a log...watching the paint dry.... like a deer in the headlights...

The minute we walk thru the door, everyone immediately scatters in opposite directions. Since, I only have 2 eyes, with 3 girls to watch, I was at a lose. So I take my big hiney over to the tables and set down. Just when I have my nose good and deep in a book, over comes the younger 2 with their skates... "Whah! We can't get our skates on!" So I unlace, shove feet into stinky skates and then relace for a full 10 minutes. I now know how that poor footman felt in the Cinderella story! (I repeated this exercise 3 more times with them this evening, unlace, shove, relace..)

Once, the skates are on, off they go!! Finally, back to my book. About this time, I see a gaggle of hoodlums of in the corner, and guess who's holding court with 'em? You guessed it! My big girl! Geez, about this time, she sees me looking real "crazy eyed" over at her, and skates over and announces that "It's hot in here!" and whips off her jacket to reveal a tight tight low necked spagetti strap shirt underneath. I tell her to pull up the front so her boobies don't fall out, and off she sails on her skates again. (I really must learn to check outfits before we leave the house!)

At about this time, over comes my 8 year old to whine. Man! Something about the skating rink brings out the worst in that dang kid! "Whah! I can't skate fast, Whah! I fell down, Whah! I'm thirsty, Whah! Whah! Whah! AND did I mention world class tattle tailing!?! Anyway, after about 5 minutes of her, I simply shouted, "Shush!! you!! Be gone!!!"

Back to my fricking book!! Have you ever tried to read a book in the skating rink? With strobe lights, disco balls, loud thumping music and 500 kids bumping into your fricking table even though the little wretches have an aisle as wide as a barn to pass through? I swear, I have no idea why darn kids have to touch everything!! Everytime they passed my table, they'd grab the chair or the fricking table. So I moved off into the corner, in fact I moved 3 times, with the same results at every table...

I finally gave up on the book, and started actually trying to figure out where my girls were. It's amazing how many hiding places there are at the skating rink! Even though it's one huge room! I walked around, lugging my big ole' granny purse, sticking out like a sore thumb, (If you were there, yes I was that old lady wearing the Jesus VBS shirt, toting the big black doctor's bag. When did I get so darn old?) and I'd run across them at the most random spots....setting at a video game (even though they didn't have any money, and there was a line of people waiting to get on the same game), standing in the corner with other people their age, all desperately trying to look cool, and ignore each other, while standing close enough to each other to look like their all friends with each other.

We were at the skating rink for a total of 3 hours tonight, and I think that each one of my girls spend a total of 10 minutes each skating, and it cost 33 bucks for me to get them in. I'd would have had a much better deal, if I'd ditched them all, and took that money to go get my nails done!! Don't you agree!

Well I guess that I'll go nighty night for now, while I dream of skating rinks that still do the Hokey Pokey, sell beer and don't allow kids...

Slacker Blog Chick strikes at last!!

So I started my new job. Love It!! But I still don't have a computer, so I am trying to use Hubby's piece of crappola that doesn't have a freakingspacebardammit!! Anyway, I wanted to share the terrible new with you all.

My ditzy neice wants me to take her for her learner's licenses. This is the poor child who falls UP the stairs atleast once a week. She has chipped about every dish in the house from"helping me" in the kitchen. If you live on the West side of Atlanta, be afraid, be VERY afraid.....

Who stole my weekend!!!

So last week was "Winter Break" for the kids in our fine county. What the hell is "Winter Break"? Like we're all rich and can afford to go to Aspen to ski with Bunny and Biff for the week?

Luckily for me, all my little angels have different daddies (as before you get any ideas and start calling me harlot, different mommies too!) so the older 2 decided to take off to spend the week with their worthless, ain't got real jobs, daddies. (Not that I am judging or anything!) So big boy ran off on Tuesday, right after I told him that I expected him to vacuum and dust the entire house, and right before he actually did it! And big girl took off on Thursday afternoon, AFTER she had completed her chores for the week. (GOOD GIRL!)

So that left us with the little one (8 yrs old) to entertain. Unfortunately, her daddy lives at our house (as my hapless Hubby!), and her mother in mostly invisible so she got stuck with us, the old farts, for the remainder of the week! Well, we didn't have any means of babysitters (what with our indentured servants on vacation with their daddies) so Hubby had to take little one to college with him one day. (Daddy had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb..) Well, she absolutely loved it!!! And she even knew the answer to one of the questions that the teacher threw out to the class. So now she's all hard core to finish up with 3rd grade as quick as possible so she's can get one grade closer to college!!

We had a nice, boring time this weekend. I took little one and one of her girlfriends to see the "On Account of Winn Dixie" movie. I highly recommend it if you have a child 5th grade and under.

Nothing else much happened except the husband was sick with a cold all weekend, and he turns every little illness into a major production. So it was entertaining to watch him dramatize about his latest "near death" experience.

One funny note, he was walking out of the bathroom and as I walked by, so I yelled out, "Boo!" He grabbed his heart and leaned into the doorway, and looked like he was going to pass out on the spot. This kinda made me nervous knowing that he's suppose to be the big brave strong one, in case an intruder ever broke into the house!

Conversations I've had with my kids...

Step Daughter when she was 4.

Me: Are you eating boogers?!?
Her: Yes.
Me: Why?
Her: Cause they taste good.
Other Kid: What do they taste like?
Her: Raspberries!!!

****************
Them today.

8 yr and 16 yr old (Now)
Him: If you don't stop bugging me, I'm gonna tell everyone about you eating Raspberries!
Her" WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

******************
My son when he was 3.

Him: Mom, I know all about boys and girls!
Me: You do? Tell me what you know.
Him: Boys have penises and Girls have china!
Me: That's right! You are VERY smart!

*******************
My son at 6.

Him: Mom, I know all about sex!
Me: Hush up and eat your burger.
Him: I do Mom!! I know that you have had sex 3 times. To make me, my brother and my sister!
Me: That's right!
Him: Mawmaw has had sex 5 times. To make Nana, Uncle C, Uncle J, Uncle B and Aunt J.
Me: That's right!
Him: But she's so old, I don't know who'd want to have sex with her!

**********************
My son now.

Me: Good Morning!
Him:
Me: Love ya!
Him:
Me: Give mommy a kiss!
Him:
Me: Wanna see the stretch marks that you put on Mommy's tummy?
Him: NNNOOOOO NNNNOOO NNNOOO!!!!

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My other son at 2.

Him: I am pursefect. (perfect)
Me: You sure are!

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My other son now (at 21)

Him: Look Mom, I got a tattoo!
Me: Lord, help me!
Him: Look Mom, I got another tattoo!
Me: Kill me now!
Him: Look Mom, I got my nose pierced!
Me: TAKE ME NOW JESUS!!

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My Niece at 8.

Her: I really like Pokemon.
Me: Why?
Her: Cause boys like 'em.

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My Neice now (15)
Her: I'm in love!
Me: Really? How long have you known him?
Her: Since yesterday!
Me: Um, don't you think that's a little quick?
Her: He's the love of my life!! Can I go to the skating ring? How does this shirt look? My butt is so big. I hate my chin. My boobs are too little. Can I borrow ten dollars? Do you think XYZ likes me?
Me: AAAAARRRRRGGGG!!!

I am such a bad mother...

So I was perusing the local newspaper yesterday and saw the my eight year old made the Honor Roll. Reports cards came out last week and I didn't even bother to check her grades. I just let Dad sign away. I think that she's so smart that we naturally assume that she's on the honor roll. Last time I pitched a report card fit, it was because she made a 91 in Science, then I only half heartedly yelled, "You can do better!"

Now before you think that I am just bragging about how brilliant my eight year is, I must tell you that she is actually my step-child. Daughter of my also brilliant, somewhat anal husband. (He's retired from the Navy and goes to school fulltime and ALWAYS pulls down a 4.0) Our eight year old is also ranked in the top 10 percentile for all the smart kids in the US. How the school figured that one out, I will never know? But that's what the note that she brought home said. She's a hoot too. She used to come home from school all the time and say, "School is SO easy!" She even got in a little trouble last year for being chatty.

My husband thinks that she's chatty because she's bored. Sounds right to me. He's concerned that she is going to turn into a juvenile deliquent because of her talking problem, so he says to me, "What am I going to do?!?!"

I casually look over at My child (his step son) whose is sixteen years old, and intently studying a booger on his finger in the living room and say, "You're asking me? Have you met my kids?"

Seriously though, my husband and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when is comes to education. He quit school at 15, got a GED, was already in college when his high school class graduated. He then dropped out of college to "serve his country" and did the next 20 years in the Navy, working like a dog. He was the 1st at work and the last to leave every day.

I, on the other hand, finished high school, barely, with the rest of my class. Opted out of a nursing scholarship (Blood? Ick!!) and immediately starting spitting out babies and working at the 1st job, I could find. I've did ok, although I passionately hate my job now. I am performer, just not a superstar. I used to be the briefcase toting, suit wearing, power lunch girl, but I finally realized that my kids were suffering (and out of control) and that all I wanted to be remembered for, was that I loved my children. (sniff sniff)

I think that in order to get ahead in the work, it's expected that you step on your coworkers, neglect your kids and grub up to the man! I say, "Screw it all!!!" When you die, what do you want on your tombstone?

Here lies

Josie Blow

came in early

worked late

OR

Here lies

Josie Blow

beloved

Mother

Wife

Sister

Friend

So I guess what I am trying to instill in my kids, (ecspecially Little Miss Brilliant and Mr. Slackerboy) is to enjoy life. Live, Love, Laugh.

I look back on my life and realized that I missed so much. I was at work when my kids learned how to walk, I was at work when my children were learning their ABC's. I missed so many days. When I think back to the best times of my life, I don't remember anything about work, or the fabulous vacations that I took. I remember the times that I spent with my kids, the times when we cuddled under the blankets on a rainy morning, and times when I held them in my lap and they told me that I was the best mommy in the world.

I still feel like I am missing so much. I get up early, scream byebye as I hit the door to drive 2 hours to a job THAT I HATE!!, then drive 2 hours to get home, slap dinner on the table, do a load of laundry, yell at the kids to pick up their messes and collapse in front of the TV like a zombie..

When is my time to be a good mom? Would the kids even want me to be? Sometimes I talk to the older ones (15 and 16) and they look at me like I've grown another head. Other times I have them following me (ecspecially the 15 yr old) from room to room trying talk to me, as I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

My eight year old has just about given up, she just stays either outside or in her room.

AARGGGHHH!!! I'd got to get control of my life before it's too late. I need more time and patience!! I need it like a crackhead needs a fix!