I look so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, I didn't lose the last 80lbs of baby fat from that monster I sired 17 short years ago!! It's my hair, actually.
I promised for years and years, never give in to the hype. Never toss out the trusty curling irons of my youth for a flat iron. NEVER slow down at the mall and pause when the nice people at the flat iron booth tell you that your hair looks like total shit, and then wave the magic flat iron wands in your face, and offer to change you from frumpy to stunning in "5 short minutes!" NEVER EVER, even look at the flat irons at Wal-Mart, or price them out, cause you can't afford a ceramic one anyway....
So guess who caved?? Me!
I got my, once a year, haircut last week, and asked for just a trim, and walked out $20 poorer and looking just like I did when I walked in. So as is usual for me, I decided that this called for drastic measures and decided that I couldn't live unless I got a perm. Yep, a good old 80's flashdance, stuck my finger in the light socket perm! So what do I do? I procrasinate, procrastinate, procrastinate... I mean dang, I just spent 30 minutes of my already too short life in chair at a hair salon, flitting away $20 bucks on an invisible trim, and now I would have to spend like 2 hours and $40 at the salon again for a perm!!!! What's a girl to do??
So in between taking the littlest spawn to Taco Bell for a "girls only" Lunch and picking up crickets for said spawn's favorite new pets (Toads!)and oh yea! getting the pooches nails trimmed. (Bitch gets a manicare, even I don't get manicures!!) I decided that I could swing by Sally Beauty Supply and check out......
that crazy new rice paper oil blotting paper that's only been out in Japan since the last, oh 1,000 years! So I bought some of that, and then THEY started calling...
"Hey!! Come here! Take a looksee! Nothing can hurt you in here... (Unless you got a cosmetologist license, then, hell, you can buy enough bleach to turn the entire population of China into Albinos!!) COME TO ME!!!
So I used the excuse to the lady that I (Peeping over at the flat irons) wanted to check out some fake hair for my daugther, so she could throw that fake hair into pony tail and look like Rapunzel! And well, I'll be a Son of a Gun there's them crazy flat irons!!!!
So, I casually asked (with slobbering lips and panting breath!!)"How much are those flat irons there?"The lady showed me the Cadillac of the flat irons and said, "Here's a good one!"
I asked, "How much?"
She says, "Well, it's on special!"
I ask, "How much?"
She says, "It's ceramic"
I ask, "How much?"
She says, "Well..... on special......with $5 dollars off... it's...um....only....um $44.95!!!" Do you get the feeling that this girl might be on commission?
After she gently picked me off the floor, gasping, I pointed at the flat iron prices at $29.99, and told her that I wasn't ready for such a big commitment.
She cheerfully grabbed the flat iron I had pointed to, and told me that this one also was $5 bucks off. YEAH!!!
So, clutching my purchases, I rushed out of the store, only to find the spawn's head popping up thru the sunroof of the car like a prom queen at the homecoming parade!!
Yep, I know it's a crime to leave a child unattended in a car, and that the Mommy Police will come and take away your mothering license, but dammit, someone had to hold the bag of crickets AND we had the stupid nervous dog in the car, and she's a notorious pooper whenever she's stressed!! AND I gave SheSpawn the kidnapper speech AND I locked the doors, AND I parked in right in front of the store,,,, AND, well, I know I was wrong dammit, already!!
So anyway, I get in the car, give the little one the "bad people gonna git you for sticking your head thru the sunroof" speech and then speeded out of the parking lot, mowing down several shoppers, so I could get home and try out the "new toy"!!!
So I get home, I had washed my hair and piled it into my mandatory Saturday ponytail earlier, and heated my new friend up... I then spent about 10 minutes parting and pressing my hair to near Malibu Barbie straightness. Then took a moment to admire my results.
It was AMAZING!!!! I was gorgeous!!! My hair, MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! It shimmers, it shines, IT'S SO FREAKING STRAIGHT.. I looked so hot, that I totally wanted to "do" myself!!! I could wait to show my little one. She didn't motive anything different. Not even when I said, "Do you notice anything different and pointed to my head."
So I showed the dog!! Then the other dog!! One just wanted to pee, and the other rolled over for a belly scratch.. Then the cats!! They both just yawned and looked bored. Then I tried to show the Toads, but one was busy humping the other one... However the 50 crickets that I had just bought to feed to the toads, seemed somewhat impressed. Either that, are they were just jumping all over the place because they knew they were dead meat.
So I decided that I would wait til my honey got home, and show him my amazing hotness.... So I put on a leetle makeup, put the new "push my boobies up on my chest again bra", and waited,,,,,and waited,,,,, then forgot about waiting and dragged my poor child out again, so total strangers could look at my hair AND BE JEALOUS!!!
When I got home later, he was there. (My honey had been to a Math conference (don't ask) and was away the night before) He took one look at me, and said, "You look so pretty!"
Ah, just what I was gunning for!! And ofcourse he got the most amazing loving that night!!
But better yet, my hair still looked good the next day at church, then again on Monday, and now again it's Tuesday, and I AM STILL HOT!!!!
I am afraid to wash my hair because I am afraid that it's just a fluke and that the flat iron only had enough mojo for the one time I used it!!! But on the other hand, it's been like 3 days since I washed my hair and HELLO IT'S TIME!!!
So tonight I will wash, and flat iron again. AND hopefully throw out my damn curling iron and NEVA look back!!!
Wish me luck.....