Thursday, October 02, 2008

It only happens where I live....

So this is how it started:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said the possible fetus was found late Tuesday afternoon. The fetus has been sent to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation to make the final determination.Investigators were still on the scene at the school Tuesday evening.Please refresh this developing story for updates.

Then it went down like this:

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Paulding County officials said they believe they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.Cpl. Brian Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the fetal remains.The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner has been asked to get involved and to make the final determination.Police said they believe the fetus was probably a miscarriage in the first trimester and someone may be in need of medical attention. Officials said they are hoping a parent or friend may have noticed a loved one acting differently and will report it.Anyone with any information is asked to call the Paulding County Sheriff's Office.

After a while, I guess someone actually 'poked it with a stick':

PAULDING COUNTY, Ga. -- Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials have confirmed the finding at McClure Middle School in Paulding County of the tissue-like substance to be that of a large blood clot and not that of a fetus.
Paulding County officials said Tuesday they believed they have found a fetus inside McClure Middle School.
Cpl. Brandon Gurley with the Paulding County Sheriff’s Office said they received a call from school officials Tuesday afternoon after finding the tissue-like substance.
The deputy coroner was called to the scene just after 3 p.m. and said he believed it was a fetus. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation medical examiner was asked to get involved and to make the final determination.
The investigation by the sheriff's office is in the process of being concluded, according to officials. Authorities said at this time, there are no signs or evidence that leads them to believe that this is anything more than a medical issue.


Meanwhile, mother's ALL over Paulding Co. were emailing each other, checking their middle school daughters' under pants, and whollopping on their sons while explaining the Bird and Bees to them.

Here's was my take on it:

This is soooo sad. I been up all night crying about the fetus. I even named him Cletus and asked the angels to take care of him. When I heard 'Cletus" was in the first stages, I raided my little girl's Barbie clothes to try and find white dress to bury poor Cletus in.

Last night around mid-night, my heart was hurting so bad, that I took out a shovel and dug a little hole to put poor "Cletus" once the GBI people released him for burial. Thank Goodness, I was soo distressed that I smoked an ENTIRE pack of cigs. I looked at that empty box of Marlboros and thought, "Hey I'll bet poor "Cletus" would fit in there just fine.

So I spent the next 2 hours hot gluing lace doiles and rhinestones all over the box so poor little "Cletus" would have something special to rest in.

After I finished, I wrote an obituary for poor Cletus and mailed it to the News ERA.

**************
It said:

Funeral services will be held tomorrow for the poor little fetus named Cletus McClure.Poor little Cletus never had a chance and passed away in the last stall on the right in the 6th grade hall before he was born.

Cletus is survived my his mother, a little tramp who shall remain nameless, that doesn't have any manners.and a father, probably some jock from the football team.

Poor little Cletus is also survived by his maternal grandparents, who are wolves, and need to teach their children how to flush a toilet! and his paternal grandparents who really need to sit their boy down and have "The Talk" with him about the birds and the Bees!

Cletus will lie in state in tomorrow, in Malibu Barbie's 1984 wedding dress (From when she married Ken, before she found out he was gay), inside his be-dazzled Marlboro box.

SouthernChickie will be receiving Friends and Family all day until burial (Especially Cheffy! BRING CAKE!!)

Internment will be in SouthernChickies back yard between all the dog turds that her husband and 4 children rufuse to acknowledge and the big clump of weeds that the neighbors let grow between the houses so that they wouldn't have to look at said turds.

All are welcome.
**************
So now you tell me it was a CLOT!?!?!?! What am I suppose to do with this darn hole I dug?


I just really feel sorry for the poor stupid kid who forgot to flush the toilet.

2 comments:

momzombie64 said...

Thanks for the visit to my blog. Sorry your experience had such a bad ending. We fear the worst for our friend. On a lighter note, this was a darkly funny and dangerous post. I laughed. I cried. It really does sum up a lot of things about our society today, doesn't it?

Your Completely Appalled/Laughing Hysterically Oldest Child Who Forgot Her Blogger Password. :) said...

OMG, mom, I seriously laughed until I cried!