So, I laid outta work on Friday, because the phone company finally saw the good in me and hired me on fulltime. I AM SUCH A PRIZE!! So I had to take my final temp employee comp day...or lose it.
So anywho, we had our annual 4th of July cul-de-sac party planned for Saturday, and I needed to rest up. I want you to know that the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent. (Mostly the kids!)
So we had the party. It started around 3pm. We (the tribe of the cul-de-sac) pulled our trusty grills out to the curb, put out our tables, pushed coolers into the cul-de-sac, sat our fannies in our lawn chairs and commenced to party.
Now every year, it's mandatory that we have some kind of trauma for our party. Sometimes, it's small, some years it's medium, but this year is was HUGE!!!
One year it rained, hell every year til this year it rained. One year, we had one of the hostess, get tired and bitchy and go to bed early, but this year we felt the need to invited a neighbor from outside the cul-de-sac.
So the hillbilly tribe moved in, at the end of the cul-de-sac. They are a young couple, not married (and that's ok folks, don't panic!) with a blended family. (You know-His, Hers, Theirs) All the kids get along great too. AND the couple has his sister and her boyfriend AND their kid living with them (Think Stoners having a baby). So they have a houseful. Well, we had met the guy, let's call him Bubba, before. He had walked down and hung out on the porch with the boys (Husbands) and drunk a couple of beers before. We all noticed that Bubba got awful drunk quick on 3 or 4 beers. We just chalked it up to his young age and inexperience. We thought it would be OK to include this outsider and his family in our cul-de-sac shindig.
So we have the party. Got all our crap setting out, and here comes Bubba with his grill in the back of the trunk, with the chairs, the baby's play pen, and other assort stuff. OK, no problem Bubba, I wouldn't want to carry all that crap 30 feet into the cul-de-sac either. THEN, he goes back to his house with the truck, AND piles the family into the back bed. DAMN PEOPLE, are you THAT Lazy!? That you need a ride 30ft away? How heavy is that baby's diaper?
They had the mother-in-law (Bubba's) with them, and unlike Bubba who is born and bred (By God!) Georgia. Mother in law and the wife are originally from up north. Mother-in-law also brought her delightful rapper-wanna-be 16 year old twins with her. That was fine, because from what I could see under the muscle shirts, and pants so big that they had to hold them up with one hands, these boys had tight bodies and were total eye candy for the cul-de-sac queens!! I must say that the boys were also very, very polite.
So Bubba, has friends, that he brought named Jimbob and Daisy (both very nice people!) One of the cul-de-sac neighbors had also invited his friend and his family (Biff and Kimmie) and Biff brought his parents Mr. and Mrs. Biff. We know this group and have partied with them before. Biff is a little anal, but can usually be controlled by alcohol and Kimmie. They had also invited a couple of other people who didn't really factor into the events of the evening.
We also had 4 other houseload of people from the other 4 houses come down and party. Then my husband invited our "usual suspects" to the party, and they came and 1 couple brought his dad and brother. Now I thought the brother was a strange bird just from looking, but as the night commenced, we found out that this guy was actually, "THE BROTHER FROM HELL!!!"
Our friend is this really straight-laced, strict moral character. His kid tows the line, and the wife is just as sweet and unassuming as she can be, but the Brother??!?! Dear God in heaven, help me!! This guy was a FREAK!!! Our first indicator was that he carried around this cup from the "Race Trak" gas station that was about as big as a tea pitcher. I AM NOT LYING, that damn thing was atleast 64 oz!! Also the brother, who we later named Carl for his uncanny resemblance in appearance and manner to Carl in Slingblade, informed us all that he could take a Toyota apart and totally rebuild it. Like OK, good for you, Carl..
But anyway,we cook, and Bubba got his stuff off the grill first, so his family just jumped up and starts digging in to their stuff only. Our cul-de-sac kids, who had been circling the grown ups with paper plates in their grubby hands, starting helping themselves to the hillbillie's burger and dogs. So all the cul-de-sac mothers make a mad dash into the house and star throwing out our side dishes to distract the kids before they eat all Bubba's food, and he and the rest of the clan beat the hell out of us. We're desperately screaming at our babies saying, "Come over here and try some of Momma's nice potato salad, baby!" It was at this time, that I decided that I would not drink, I was starting to get the "bad vibes".
I then notice that Bubba and his family is totally ignoring our food, (Ingrates!!) So I told them to dig into our stuff, they looked at me, like I had just gifted them with a brand new Dodge truck, and started diggin in on our stuff too. Ofcourse, all the guys, who were manning the grills, were giving us pissy looks, because they still had to finish cooking the meat, while Bubba and crew ate all the side dishes up.
So anyway, we all lived thru dinner, and then the kids went back to swim. All the parents (except Bubba and crew ofcourse) took turns watching the kids swim. Then Jimbob decides he wants to swim, while Kimmie and her inlaws were on lifeguard duty. So Jimbob brings Bubba's 1 yr old baby down, to let her also swim. So Kimmie, ever the safe mommy, insists (almost drop kicking his ass) that the baby must wear a life jacket. So JimBob let's Kimmie put one on baby Bubba, and JimBob throws her little ass into the pool, like a sack of potatoes. So Baby Bubba is bobbing in the water, tilting over head first, tilting over back first, getting splashed in the face by 13 wild sugar fueled demons. Baby Bubba's eyes are huge, her life is flashing before her eyes, Kimmie is running around the pool, screaming at JimBob to grab the baby before she drowns, and the grandparents are holding their hearts in fear, and there in the middle of the pool is JimBob with a huge grin on his face. Ever now and then he casually tilts Baby Bubba's head back out of the water and to see if she's still breathing.
Finally JimBob gets tired of swimming and gets out of the pool, leaving Baby Bubba in, (Hell, ain't my damn kid!!)Kimmie, frothing at the mouth, and freaking out, screams "Get the baby!! You can't leave that baby in there!" So Jimbob careful not to spill the beer that he just opened reaches for Baby Bubba, and finds that she is too far out. (Better luck next time, Baby Bubba!) Luckily, Kimmie (who is everyone's self appointed mom) reaches in and fishes Baby Bubba out.
Jimbob comes back to join the party, and he and Bubba think that it'll be a hoot to light some firecrackers and toss them into the middle of the crowd of women and children. (Some of the babies were as young as 5 months old.) They thought this was funny not once, not twice, not even three times, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! We, the Queens of the Cul-de-Sac were not amused!! Nor were our husbands, nor our terrified babies. Then someone makes the brililant suggestion that Bubba and Jimbob should hold bottle-rockets in their hands and shot them out over all the kids in the pool.
Well hell, I always wanted to live in an All Adult Community!!
So, seeing this transpire, Kimmie and a couple of mother's make a mad dash to the pool, and round up the kids with promises of spectacular fireworks, if only they will get out of the pool now, for the Love of God!!! So the kids come up and set in the cul-de-sac, and Bubba and JimBob start dragging out fireworks from the truck. (Yahoo!!) Next thing I know, I see Carl making a freaking mad dash for Bubba and JimBob (and fireworks) with his cigarette lighter gripped in his hot little hand. I had offered Carl refills of Coke, Tea, Water (anything dammit) on his 64oz sippy cup, which he sweetly refused, and later I found out why. I had noticed that Carl used my damn bathroom about 5 hundred million times that night and now I know why. He was helping himself to my husband's Jack Daniels, which we had so smartly hid in the freezer so no one would help themselves to it..BASTARD!! That shit is expensive!!
Anyway Carl starts pawing thru Bubba's firework stash, and pulling out cannons, and setting them on the ground and lighting them (about 10 feet from everyone else). Unfortunately no one ever taught Carl the difference between up and down, so he got kind of confused. He lit a couple of big fireworks off upside down, and they shot all over everything in the cul-de-sac. Food, Kids, Mommies, Daddies... Everything...(Burned my bouffant, dammit!!)
Well shit, Bubba and JimBob thought that this was fricking hilarious!! So they were laughing their asses off, and although they didn't want Carl in their stash..They didn't stop him, or say anything. I think that Bubba didn't quite know who Carl was, and why he was grabbing his shit and lighting it upside down, and Bubba didn't want to offend anyone by telling Carl to back off. And... Bubba WAS pretty busy laughing his ass off at Carl's up/down problem...
So in between Carl trying to kill us all, Bubba and JimBob would light up fireworks, throw firecrackers at their wives, and laugh like hell. After the last near death experience, Biff started seeing red, and went to the guy who invited him, Raymond, and said, "Dude, you gotta do something before they kill us all!!" Then Biff's Dad came up and went off on the Bubba, JimBob, and Carl. They were so drunk they just laughed and kinda looked a little sheepish. So Biff, Dad and thier family pack thier cars, and squeal tires leaving, before one of his kids get killed.
Then Bubba saw that he had offended someone, so he starts drunk-whining about how no one likes him and he and his clan start slamming their crap in the truck and packing up to leave. I go over to Mrs. Bubba and clan and beg them not to leave (big mistake!) and tell them that the problem (Biff and Crew) had left so let's keep partying.
My husband then takes charge and makes all the kids set on the lawn, and we give them all sparklers to keep the occupied while he talks to the fireworks crew. My husband and Raymond had collected money earlier from everyone (Including Biff) and bought fireworks themselves, so we really wanted to set off our fireworks that night. So husband talks to the crew, gets Bubba- who by now, like JimBob can barely walk they are so loaded, and gets some more fireworks going. No one had realized that Carl was the problem, until my husband went over to help light fireworks. He finally had to tell Carl, "I will light all fireworks", and takes away his lighter...
So the rest of the fireworks went ok, but by this time, half the people who paid for fireworks had dunked and covered and went home, or had pulled their lawnchairs way up in their yards to watch so that they wouldn't get killed by Carl. My poor husband couldn't see everyone cowering in the dark by their front bushes, so he thought that everyone had gone home. So he was bummed thinking that no one was watching fireworks. After the fireworks were over, I let the kids loose, and everyone started packing up the food, and going into their houses. BUT NOT BUBBA!!! Hell no, he had a bone to pick!!! (Rebel Yell !!)
Bubba walks over to Raymond and stars raising all hell with him about how he thinks Raymond doesn't like him because of the f-ing fireworks fiasco. The Raymond screams, "It was your GD F-ing friend from blah blah blah that was setting off the fireworks wrong you, GD MF'er!!!" Over and over. So Raymond gets real quiet and just stares ole stupid Bubba down, while Bubba is ranting and raving in front of all the kids. I, seeing that someone is about to die, run over and start screaming at Bubba at the top of my lungs. "No,no!!! That was Carl, our friend's brother!!! Raymond didn't do nothing!!" But Bubba could already tell that Raymond hated him now, so then he starts screaming about how he knows Raymond don't like him.
So I run over to Mrs. Bubba and her clan(like a chicken with my head cut off) and scream that she needs to get her drunk ass husband and go home! She just stares at me like I am not even speaking english So I grab my husband and tell him the deal and tell him to help me. I run back to Bubba and tell him to drop the cussing, that our kids are outside and we don't talk like that in front of our kids. I guess I was screaming a little and up in his grill, because next thing I know, hubby is grabbing my arm and telling me he's got it covered.
I look over and see Raymond going back to his house, with JimBob and Daisy following him like puppy dogs. Thinking that they were going to jump poor Raymond and put a country ass whooping on him, I run after them and pull JimBob away. He starts telling me how he's a lover, and doesn't want to fight, and owns property and can't go to jail. OK, JimBob what ever. So JimBob (bless his heart!) start cleaning up the party. Everything he can get his hands on, unfortunately his is so drunk that he is putting everyone's stuff in the wrong garages. So I ended with with a new grill(Yippie!) I later took it back to Raymond..
So a little while later, Raymond is in the house, hubby is talking Bubba down, Mrs. Bubba and clan is packed up and the party winds down. As Bubba's truck is driving down the street everyone in the back is waving and saying," Thanks! We had fun!! Thanks!!"
Yeah right, you freaks...
Then Raymond comes back out, and me and hubby and our oldest kid, and a couple of other neighbors creep back out to survey the damage. Someone (may the good Lord bless you!) whips out a secret stash of "Gentleman's Jack" and we all rehash the evening and have a good laugh. We decide that NO ONE who lives outside of the cul-de-sac will every be invited to our little party again. It's just us and our friends from now on.
A little side note... As poor drunk Bubba was leaving he mentioned over and over, for us to leave the mess and that he would sweep up everything in the cul-de-sac into a little circle. Guess what, I got up the next morning (after 3 hours of sleep) looked out the window and found the cul-de-sac perfectly cleaned, with a little circle of trash in the middle. All we could figure was that Bubba did it. That earned him back some major brownie points with the entire cul-de-sac, guess we'll let him back on the porch to hang out and see how he does.....