Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Parenting 101

I sometimes wonder how I can fully damage my children mentally. (The courts say that I am not allowed to "hit" them anymore. Not even where the bruises don't show.)

Here's some of the amazing tools that I use, in order to make sure that my children remain emotionally broken and move out of my house the second they turn 18.

1.) Go to PTA meeting wearing Daisy Duke's and a tube top. (I am a large, old woman, and have lovely stretch marks all over my body!) This is my way of telling my children, "Thank you for ruining my girlish figure, with your abnormally large head during gestation. I am proud to sport the body that you gave me!

2.) When ever I drop the kids off at school in the morning, I wait until the little darling gets out of the car and yell at the top of my lungs, "Mommy loves you!, Make good choices!, Just say NO to drugs!" This immediately turns my child into a Olympic Sprinter toward the school.

3.) Talk about your child's hygiene and bowel movements to completed strangers. Example: Task your precious one into a drug store or department store, the larger the better. Make your way up to the store manager or pharmacist while holding your child firmly in your grasp so that he/she can't escape, and ask a question like, "Do you sell Husky?" or "Little Tommy hasn't went number 2 in 3 days, do you have anything for that?"

4.) Talk to members of the opposite sex in front of your child. "So you go to school with Jenny? Do you think she's hot? Have you ever seen her wear that red sweater? Do you want to take her to the prom?"

5.) Make a scene. Laugh Loud, Sing to yourself in public, Talk to strangers. Wear anything bright...etc.. Just about any sudden movement or noise that you make that would identify you as your child's mother is a source of of extreme embarrassment to your child.

That's all that come to mind right now, but I am sure after I come back from a week of vacation with my little angels that I will have MANY more parenting tips to share.


bornfool said...

Completely hilarious post. I'm still laughing. One of my favorites is to go to Wal-Mart with my daughter and start talking to her in a much too loud voice, with a fake speech impediment, and acting like I'm a special needs adult and she's my guardian. When she gets embarrassed and angry and walks away from me, I start yelling, "Amber! Amber! I want a pokemon. Can I have a Pokemon?"

I've really only done that once, several years ago. I'm not sure she's forgiven me yet.

Kim said...

Oh my gosh! I actually do that to my child when I drop him off at school! I usually scream "Crack is whack! Don't be a dope!". I didn't know he could run that fast...

The Muse said...

I love you, Mom - you crack me up!

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