Friday, August 29, 2008

Public Service Announcement for Men

Maybe it was the crazy dude in the rusted a-- Ford van on I-285 that nearly rear-ended me with an evil laugh and a gleam in his eye, while refusing to let my gurl in the Saab merge in front of him, (Dude, how-d you like it when I looked back, and motioned for her to get IN FRONT of me, you bout swallowed your 'chaw, didn't you?) or maybe it happened way back when my Dad ran off and left my mom, with 2 little children, and a newborn, in a strange town, after emptying our bank account, in the middle of the night... at CHRISTMAS, I just don't know when it started, but I am about over the way SOME 'men' behave...So Gentleman, our behalf of ALL the women in the world...I'd like to give you a little public service annoucement..

Yes, we ARE women, but we are also LADIES. Therefore, yes, we do expect you to allow us to merge in front of your in traffic when the damn merge lane ends. We also expect You, Mr. Man to open the door for us when we are walking into a building with you and our arms are full. We expect you to get your a-- up and give us your seat when we get on the bus/train, and you see that we are elderly, or have our hands full of children, groceries, whatev. We also expect you to hold the elevator for us, when you are standing inside it and see us running to make it, instead of frantically pushing the buttons to close the doors in our faces.

At home, we (the women of the world)do expect you to PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT. If the seat was suppose to be left up, it wouldn't have hinges. Face it, it was created for a purpose. When the trash is full, yes we DO expect that you will take it out, and when the yard gets knee-high in grass, and we can't find the children, we DO expect that YOU will mow it, not us. And another thing, girls don't know chit about cars, ok? So when our tires are ABSOLUTELY bald and swerving all over the road as we take your heirs to soccer/ballet/football/cheerleading practice, or the fricking car is smoking, and overheating so badly that the polar ice caps are melting, after we told you three months ago that something is wrong, AND YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT, please don't feel the overwhelming need to wank about all the money we threw away at the mechanic's and how they ripped us off 'cause 'we're just girls', ok?

Further more, as you are slaving away at your job all day, in addition to being expected to remember to put the damn seat down, and allowing us to merge in traffic IN FRONT, not behind you in traffic, and holding the elevator for us (It's alot of burden on you, we almost understand...) Please don't accuse us of sitting on the couch all day watch soaps and eating Bons Bons just becauase some of us don't work. Just in case you were wondering what we do ALL DAY? We are packing your lunch, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, trying to stretch your all mighty dollar so that we can afford ALL the wonderful THINGS that YOU buy for us, cause 'OH WORSHIP ME, I WORK, YOU DON"T', raising your kids, making sure they don't kill eachother and set YOUR house on fire, trucking them all over God's green earth, cooking your dinner, and YES, most of us are doing all this AND also having to work, just like you. And guess what? Unlike the girls on "Sex in the City", our jobs don't involve setting in nice restaurants all day, drinking martinis and gossiping about men, that only happens on TV, ok? So please don't feel the need to comment on 'How easy we have it at our job" mmmk?

Now we know that you are so put upon because sometimes, 'HOW DARE US', we have asked you to help with some of the above tasks, after we get off work. Or maybe sometimes we ARE actually tired after doing ALL the above, and ask for a pass in the bedroom. It don't mean we don't love you, it also don't mean that we're having an affair either, OK? I mean, hey, it's almost like when YOU are too tired to talk when we need to talk, or deal with the kids, so you SO SWEETLY leave us to deal with that, while you go relax. Maybe had you honored your damn commitment to 'love and chreish us, and take care of our needs like you promised in front of our parents and all those people years ago, maybe we wouldn't have to work and could complete ALL our responsibilites, in addition to jumping your bones everynight of the week!

Oh, and BTW, your farts ... NOT amusing. They DO stink, and burping at the table IS NOT a sign of appreciation for our cooking.

Please remember, not only are we your wives, we are also your mothers, sisters and daughters. We have the one thing that YOU really want (I mean, Hey! have you EVER heard of a mad FEMALE rapist on the loose?) and if it wasn't for US spending 12 to 20 hours of our already short lives, pushing out your extremely LARGE head from our most vunerable spot (Yes, it does HURT worse the getting hit in the balls!) YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE HERE!!!!

So next time you feel the OVERWHELMING desire to run us and our weeks worth of groceries down in the grocery store parking lot, cause we were walking in the walking lane, in your way, and you're 'in a hurry dammit!', or if the lane should run out and we feel the need to merge in front of you and not behind you 'how dare us!!', or we let out a blood curtaling scream at 3:00am in the middle of the night because our hineys just touched the toilet water CAUSE YOU LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!!! ALREADY!!!!, and wake you from your 'much needed sleep', please forgive us....and we'll forgive you, because 'you forgot', or you 'didn't hear us' when we told you for the umpth teenth time.

Honey, we know how you want a 'Lady in the Streets, a Genuis in the Boardroom, Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the Bedroom, we want that for you too! We just want you to know, we're trying our best, ok? Maybe you could try a little harder too?

It's a pretty small price to pay considering you got to vote and wear pants for thousands of years before we did...don't cha think?

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