Guilty as charged here. You all know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to rag on people. Dumb People, Irritating People, no one's immune from my wrath. Which is why I have to tell you about my dear co-worker Farg.
That's not really her name, but it does rhyme with Farg. Anway Farg is IRRITATING to the inth degree. Poor Thing. She has no life so she must invent one. It's a life that is better than yours, more tragic than yours, or worse than yours, depending upon what the story is that she needs to top.
I must be getting old, when people lie to me, then contradict themselves, I almost always believe that I am the one losing my mind. Never assuming that I am being lied too. Lucky for me, there's another coworker that knows Farg from way back when...
Farg's husband was killed in Desert Storm, he was also killed in Hawaii. Damned if I know how he managed to get himself killed twice. Dear old buddy coworker confirmed that he actually divorced Farg. hmmm, wonder why????
In Farg's 42 years of life, she has worked at S%^&t, trained to be a nurse, been a nurse, been an overseas stewardess, and a homemaker, among other things. At her job at S%^&t, she has been everything from a Director to an Admin Assistance (let that one slip today - dumbass..)
Farg has had cancer. One day it was breast cancer, next time she told the story, it was cancer of the breast AND the female organs down south. She has implants. It appears that the doctor put them closer to her belly button than he should have. In one conversation regarding cancer, she did not lose any hair during chemo, but 2 sentences later she DID lose hair during chemo and it grew back curly (It's straight.) Then she had cancer of the mother. The mother died. (She really did, per Dear old buddy coworker) Farg managed to hang on to dearly departed Mom's handicap parking sticker, and now parks in the best spots in the parking garage. (Bitch - I hope you trip on the handicap curb...)
Farg has a boyfriend. He's from Ireland. He plays in a band. The band mates travel all over the southeast. He's an inventor. He's a scientist. He's a doctor. Damn he must be busy!!! He never calls, no one's ever met him. He doesn't exist.
Farg is moving to her mansion in East Cobb. Now she's selling that same mansion for a half million, only now it's in Vinings. Guess you can't get half million for a mansion in East Cobb. She actually lives with her girlfriend. Now she lives with a bunch of girls in a apt.
Her roommate makes cakes. Now she owns a Hair club for Men. She's rich! This roommate recently almost died in a carwreck and was in the hospital awaiting surgery. The roommate made a birthday cake the next day. Do they have ovens in hospital rooms now?
Farg loves to talk AND interrupt. When ever you start to say something, she starts talking. Only she's louder and faster.
Farg is a VIP. No matter what you're doing. Talking to a manager, director, God. If you're on a conf call and she needs something, she'll interrupt and and keep asking her quesion . Loudly.
Farg is a big VIP. Going out to lunch? "Would you mind posting these letters for me." I didn't know that there were restuarants at the Post Office? Going to the breakroom? "Would cha bring me a coke? some ice?" If she figures out how someone else can pee for her, she'll pawn that off too.
Farg is a suck up. She is so good at it that her last name sounds like ass kiss. I swear to you, it does. When the boss is in the room, she talks, and talks, and talks. Even if she doesn't have a clue, she'll tell the boss the she is the subject matter expert on this and that. On anything, everything...she knows it all.
Farg loves reports. She gets on the phone and calls people and says things like, "I can get that to you on a spreadsheet." "I can do a report on that." "Really, it's no problem to do a report for you on that." My third grader is better at reports than Farg. But that doesn't deter Farg from slapping it on Excel and sending out to God and everybody to see. If we're not careful, she'll put me and you on a report and email it to someone. Beware.
Farg talks to herself. Whenever someone gives her a sharp look or an annoyed remark, She tells herself (loudly) that she "was just trying to blah blah blah".
Farg has tourrettes syndrome. Poor thing. Whenever you are on the phone, trying to have a private conversation, she blurts out her unwanted (expert) advice. Sometimes, she screams something out for now reason at all. "Nice One!" "Haha, I can't believe that ____ did ____, I just ain't believing this!" She reminds me of Rainman. (Judge Wapner at 6 o'clock!!!)
I use to think I was just a bitch, or losing my mind. Then I started to hear others whispering about Farg. "How irritating..." "What a freaking liar..." "What the hell?" and I knew it wasn't just me. It was Farg.
Poor thing. I think every office needs aleast one Farg. It keeps thing interesting. I wouldn't change her for nothing in the world.