Friday, September 30, 2005

Morning After...

So when I last left you, let's see. I was or was not dating Bobby. Oh yea, we broke up. So the next couple of months were a blur of morning sickness, and skipping school as often as possible. I remember that during my sophomore year, I skipped school so much that when I DID show up, people I had known my entire life would just stare at me like I was a total stranger. I basically dropped all my friends and went into my little shell of denial.

My brother graduated in June from high school, so my mother planned a little party, and my Dad came to town along with other assorted relatives that I almost never see. But that time I was about 5 or 6 months along, and all my relatives must have known, because their eyes popped out when they saw me. I remember going to award ceremony with my mother the night before graduation (cause my brother was a total overachiever!) and watching all the seniors getting the awards and scholarships, and thinking, "Dear God, get me outta of this town!"

So as the summer bore along, I finally broke down and told my mother in late June that I was pregnant. Her first words? "What will all MY friends say?!?!?" Ah Mommy Dearest.... She was worried about what HER friends would think.. haha

So she told me that I needed to call the father, (Something about having them help pay for this mess, I believe). So I did, I talked to his mother(She's nice, but looked like Cruella from 101 Dalmations back then!) and she gave me the usual line, "Oh he's not at home right now." So rather forcfully I said, "Well you better get him home, because I'm going to have his baby, and we need to talk."


And he asked the old standard question girls always love to hear whenever they tell someone that they're pregnant. "Is it mine?" For the first time in my life I went totally bitch on him, and said a couple of really not nice things to him..

My mother got me an appt with her GYN and we went to the appt. He took one look at me and said, "I'm afraid little sister is pregnant." and ordered an x-ray. So we ran over to the x-ray place, and got an x-ray done. They put it in an envelope and handed it to us. When we got outside, Mother pulled the x-ray out and held it up to the sun. And the SHE was!!

There was a picture of the MOST PERFECT CHILD ever conceived!!! One perfect child, IN MY STOMACH!!! Sweet little head down, tiny hands tucked under her chin, long legs crossed and tucked up to her tummy. My life changed that instant. I was momentarily blown away, I couldn't believe that something so AMAZING could be growing in me, right under my broken heart!!

My mother kept that x-ray hidden in her closet for years. I think as a reminder of what she thought that she had done for me. I, in a fit of rage, burnt the x-ray years later, when she had pissed me off about something..I so wished that I still had that, it was perfect....

The next couple of weeks were a blur of an aborted abortion attempt, and a short vacation to Tybee Island, where I did alot of watching the ocean and thinking about the future.. and my Mother finding a place to fix me or "hide" me.

My mom's first thought was, "Hell, she'll get an abortion!" So she took me to a "hospital" in Atlanta. Well, the sign said "Hospital" but it was just an old house that was an abortion clinic. When we got to the waiting room, there were about 60 people there, all waiting to get abortions. Some of them were chained to the chairs with police guarding them. I about died, when I saw that place!!! The place was old, and dirty and reeked of urine and cigarette smoke. But Mother just smiled and we found a seat and we waited for our turn.

So after waiting, and trying not to make any eye contact with any woman who might slit my throat, my turn was called. I went to the back and was introduced to a nice Doctor named, I shit you not!!, Dr. Hook!!!! and she had about 3 inch long bright red painted fingernails!!! I lost it... I freaked out and started hyperventelating, turning all shades of blue and red... She was nice, held my hand and looked at my x-ray. She said that I was probably too far along to have a regular abortion then proceeded to tell me about the "other" way they do abortions.

"Not a big deal, really".. but did require an overnight visit in the "hospital". First they take a needle filled with saline solution and shoot it into the baby. This slowly (and painfully- I bet) kills the baby. Then they open your cervix, and smack the baby in the head to crush the skull, so it will come out easier. Once all this is complete, then they induce labor, and let you hang out at the "hospital" and have the baby during the night. Although this sounded like "great fun", I continued to freak out. She then told me that I was probably so far along that I couldn't have this kind of abortion either. (Do you get the feeling that she was trying to "work" with me?)

After she promised me that she wouldn't harm the baby in anyway, I let her examine me. She then confirmed that I couldn't have an abortion of any kind, and went out to tell my mother. When we left that place, I was smiling ear to ear, and my mother was freaking out and bitching about needing a drink...

The next week, we made an appt with DFCS. We then met with a super nice lady at Dept of Family and Children Services. Her name was Harriet Wadkins. She was so comforting, she never judged, she was always sympathetic and constantly told me to call her anytime I just wanted to talk. My mother had told Harriet that she needed to find a place that would keep me til the baby came, help find a find a home for the baby, and not cost my mother anything (Since she was "so sweetly" giving (selling) them a baby! - Be-aytch!) So Harriet found a place in Chattanooga called The Florence Crittenton Home.

Harriet was also finding a set of prospective parents who would adopt the baby. The cool thing is that she was interviewing these people, then telling me very generic details about who they were, and what they were like, and ASKING my opinion on whether I thought they'd be the right parents for my baby!!! This was awesome!!! Ssomeone was finally asking MY opinion of what I THOUGHT was best. I almost couldn't believe it!! I think that she was sent from heaven now..

Florence Crittenton house was a house for pregnant girls and run away girls. By runaway girls, I mean girls who were either so bad or damamged that they couldn't live at home or in foster care. It was situtated in a old mansion near an industrial park. So it was gated like a fortress. It was a nice place although really old, but you couldn't really go outside the gates too very much or you'd get mugged. So we packed our bags and my mother dropped me off there.

Ok, before I go on, yes my mother was a bitch about everything, but on the other-hand she was also totally overwhelmed. She was a single mother with 3 kids, almost no child support from my Dad (or help), and she had a drinking problem. Here I was, 15, in school, got my self knocked up by one of her friend's child, totally helpless about that whole thing, and ofcourse with no help or support from the father of MY child. (He ran away and joined the Air Force after I told him. Was later kicked out for being a puss during boot camp.)

So my mother left me there, and I was put up on the 3rd floor with 3 other girls in my room. There were all pregnant like me. Once of the girls, Christy, later, who became my best buddy there, was only 13. She lived in Atlanta, and had gotten pregnant by her neighbor (I think that they call that molestation now!). Then there was Abigail, who was 12 and pregnant. She said that a distant family member had done the deed, but I kept getting hints that it was her father.. Poor thing. I can't quite remember the other 2 girls.

But there was other people there that I do remember, like the lady who was almost 30 and living there while pregnant. By the time of her Due Date, she had convinced herself that she would keep the baby and raise it by herself. Unfortunately she delivered during my time there, and the baby, a little boy, was born with the cord wrapped around his neck and died. That was devastating for everyone there.

Then there was the DJ who was in her 20's, living there and pregnant. She worked at a hip-hop radio station, and mostly kept to herself. She seemed to always be crocheting a mint green baby blanket. Just staring off into space and crocheting, crocheting. Whenever she smiled, she would just smile with far away eyes.. She was kicked out before the baby came. I think that she got back together with her boyfriend. (Her Baby Daddy!)

The there were that run aways that lived there. Or the throw aways as I like to think. One girl, named Patty, was just as sweet, sad, and loving as she could be. Her mother has been gone so long that Patty couldn't remember anything about her. Patty had been bounced from foster home to foster home to foster home. She was just so sweet, and meek and lost. She'd just hug on you, and hold your hand and try to make you love her... She was only 12.

Then there were the 2 sisters. They were bitches, but crazy mean bitches!! One was named Sue and the other was Serone, I think. They were like 13 and 15, both had children at home, making their poor mother raise 'em, and were at this home. They once gained up on me and tried to tell me how sorry I was for giving my baby away. I told them something like, "Me?!?! Who the hell is raising your babies? If you were such good mothers, why are you here? Is it better to raise children you can't provide for who will grow up and be just like you?" They didn't say to much to me after that. Later I saw one of them jump on one of the home counselers and slap the shit out of the poor lady. I have to say that the lady probably deserved it. She was one smug bitch.

There was a girl there who was about 15, can't remember her name, but she LOVED the truck drivers!! She dissappeared every now and then, or snuck out to meet and boink truck drivers. She'd always come back with a handful of pills for everyone.

Meh, before you freak out and convince yourself that you are a crack baby, I only took one "speckled bird!!"

Even though I was there to have a baby, I did manage to bond with many of the girls and other people there. Like Joy, a girl from my hometown, who had been raped and came there to have her baby and give it up. The Nurse, who was built like a line-backer with the meanest face I ever saw, but she just happened to be the sweetest person I had ever met and she could light up the room when she smiled. The house mother's who stayed with us at night.

Some were friendly, some kept to themselves. One of them was the single mother of 2 boys, and she would come into our rooms, and set on the floor like a teenager, and we'd talk long into the night about highschool, boys, and our dreams. She never asked us how we'd gotten there, and never judged. Or the "Super Fly" middle aged single lady with the rocking afro! I had to go down to her room one night after lights out and wake her up to check on a sick girl. Her "rocking" afro was setting on her dresser and she had her little bald head wrapped in a stocking cap.


Also some of the funny things there were when we went on outings. People would see about 15 pregnant teenagers get out of a van holding their backs and rubbing their big bellys... and their eyes would bulge out. Once time a guy, with his wife, was so rudely staring that I just looked at him and said, "Don't worry, we're not blaming you,,,this time!!" He started laughing and he and his wife asked all kinds of funny questions.

Let's see, I got to go to a "Mother's Finest/38 Special" concert. My 1st rock concert every,,, WAHOO!! Saw Hank Williams Jr's drunk ass about fall off stage. Saw Sara Vaughn in concert, she just blew me away. Saw and fell madly in love with Don "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" McClean's music.

Being there was like having 30 sisters. We were all in a jam together and learned to watch out for each other. Whenever someone would have a traumatic event, like a visit from a boyfriend or parent, or whenever someone was in trouble, we had their back.

I later moved to the 9th month room, which was the only room in the house that you could sneak out of the windows. Alomst every night girls would dress up in thier slut-clothes (Mostly the non-pregnant ones!) slap on tons of make-up, and slap their heels over the shoulders and make a mad dash out the window. Now to "escape" you had to go out the window, OVER MY BED, crawl down the roof of the car port, then climb down the fire escape. I never left, I was afraid I'd slide down the roof, fall and split open like a watermelon!!

Then after the night of "passion" was over, it was back up the escape, crawl UP the roof, rap rap on the window, and back to bed. I got no sleep in that room!! It was so hiliarious. They'd take off looking all suave, and come back with hickies all over their necks, make up smeared, their hair all smooshed up, and amazing tales of their adventures...

Also while I was there, Lady Diana married her Prince Charles. All the girls were glued to the TV's, watching every perfect detail of the events leading up to the wedding, and finally the wedding. We all wished that our princes would come and save us from our dreary existance!! Ofcourse all the days went by, and my tummy got bigger and bigger...the time that I had been looking toward FINALLY CAME TO PASS...


Anonymous said...

I've been sitting here, reading your post for like.. 15 minutes, or so.. and i'm blown away. And as i scroll down the page, i find this amazing poem, which i hold so close to my own heart, robert frost's the road not taken. and i come to wonder.. who are this person, who writes such beatiful things in her blog? i must say. truly amazing.

As always... Rachael said...

Oh babe, I'm so happy that Ms. Meh is around... I just love her! And it's reassuring that you two know each other.

This long post would have been a pian to read if you hadn't told the sotry so wonderfully! It really was great!

I had an abortion once. I can't say it haunts me the way that the pro-life commecials describe, but I do get nostalgic at times and I wonder. I had the "procedure" performed to escape my parents' judgement. Not a very good reason... but I didn't have the balls that I have now.

I stayed drunk for two weeks, partly to kill the pain, and partly to kill the guilt by justifying that the baby would be fucked up if I continued to carry it. I aborted at just 5 weeks... it still bugs me.

I'm sorry you had to give away your baby... that must have torn your heart to pieces.

This was the most powerful posts I've read in a long time... and I just happened to drop by tonight/this morning! Thank you. Thank you for your words.

SouthernChickie said...

Yes, I love Ms. Meh too!! I thank God everyday that our worlds finally collided!

Ms Meh said...

:D Lovin' every minute of this.

And, for the record:
* Saw Hank when I was 21. Wow.
* Sometimes I still sleep in the fetal position, hands under my chin, long legs pulled up to my chest, under Billy's arm. (But I think he's secretly afraid when I do that I'm going to kick him in the nuts.)

bornfool said...

Very nice post. Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. (Good writing, too.)

Nynke said...

I should have gotten back to work about 10 minutes ago but refused to stop reading. It's very gripping and well written. I actually let out a loud "Ha!" at the man who your weren't blaming "this time".
Please continue the tale, would love to read the rest

The Muse said...

Hey, Mom, can I tell you that everytime I stop by to read these, I get all teary-eyed? We all appreciate that you're sharing this with us. (For all those wondering, no, I'm not one of Southern's actual children, but rather Meh's best friend who is also lucky enough to know this damn fine woman)...

Ms Meh said...

No, seriously, are you gonna finish it? :)

SouthernChickie said...

Hey everybody thanks for the encouragement. I feel like I write what I am.... a hillbillie!!

Meh, honey, does this story ever really end?? In the end, we'll all live happily ever after!!! I wrote you another installment though!!

Muse - Because you are truly like a sister to my child, you are family.. Love you too!

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