Why am I talking about stuff that happened 25 yrs ago? I have no clue... I think it's just that I think about that Robert Frost poem alot about the Fork in the Road...
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
I am so thankful of the path that I have taken in life, but I do wonder about where I'd be today if I had made other choices 25 years ago. Here's a little bit more of my look back on time...
So after darling "Zitty Man" and I stopped seeing each other, I had went to church with a girl who lived in my neighborhood. She was a freak! Her parents were even freakier! The whole family reminded me of "Married with Children". I loved being there!! Her grandad had a wrestling bear, I.kid.you.not... or a "wrasslin' bear" as I recall him saying.. So she and I went to her church one winter evening, and while there I saw a guy I knew was a friend of my cousin Ricky. His name was Bobby. My cousin lived the next town away and went to another school. Farimount High - Home of the Bulldogs!!! Bobby also went to Farimount. He had just graduated when I met him. My cousin had told me that he was a "nice guy".
Anyway, I saw him there, and we chatted a little. He was 19 at the time, I was 15. Now before I tell you anymore, there were 2 classes of people in the town I grew up in. Not the Upper Class, and Middle Class, but the "I can't wait to graduate and get married and work at a carpet mill, and have lots a kids asap!" class and the "I can't wait til graduation, so I can get the hell outta of this freaking place!" class.
Bobby was the former, I was the latter. Bobby was 1 of 4 boys. He was Boy #3. He was the baby until he was about 10, then his parents had another little boy and commenced to spoiling that one rotten. Both Bobby's older brother's were already married and out of the house. Bobby's house was a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life. His brother's were always visiting with the wives and kids. Or he had assorted relatives around, and it seemed that his mom was always cooking loads and loads of food. It was the home, I never had!! Full of love, and excitement. (Not that I had a horrible home life, just kind of boring and ruled.)
So after seeing Bobby at church, we chatted a little and decided that it's be cool to meet up the next weekend and go caroling with the church. (Caroling - so hokie!!) So we met up the next weekend, and went with about a group of 10 or so and caroled at other church member's houses. After that time, Bobby and I became rather exclusive. Right after Christmas, I suspected that I might be pregnant. I kept the secret to myself for the longest time. I knew who the father was because at that time, I had only been with one person.
Once it became clear that I was pregnant, I thought that this was something that I needed to tell the "father/perpetrator" in person. So I called him, and called him, and freaking called him. He never answered or called back. After awhile I just gave up. Bobby suspected that something was up because I was practically outta of my mind with fear. After about a month of begging and prodding, Bobby began to suspect that I wanted to break it off with him. I didn't...I just didn't think that we were close enough to each other for me to share this with. Heck, I was going out and having the best fun with Bobby. He was my buddy, took me places, treated my like a queen. I thought that if I told him the news, that he'd run like hell, like any normal boy would! Like the father had. (I think he suspected, even though I hadn't told him.)
So one evening after hours of talking, and arguing about why I was so bitchy.. I came out with the truth to Bobby. I said something along the lines of , "Remember that guy, I told you about? Well, I'm going to have a baby, and it's his."
Bobby (Classic Bobby...) didn't miss a beat, didn't bat an eyelash. He just grabbed my hands and said, "I will marry you, and we will raise this child as our own, and no one will ever have to know."
I was in shock, and I was amazed. I told him that I needed to think on it. When you are damaged, you naturally assume that anyone who could love you must also be damaged. This is what I believed about Bobby. How could someone love me? I'm dirty, bad and no good!! AND I'm pregnant for God's sake!!!
Later when the offer was made again, I told him that we would just wait and see. As the months went by, I convinced myself that I did love Bobby and that we should get married. I later gave myself to him, thinking that I could love him thru sex. I did love him, but not enough to marry him and have him raise a child that was not his.
I later broke up with Bobby as my belly began to swell and he began to force the marriage issue more and more. I really loved Bobby, he treated me like I was sacred. I think that he worshipped me way too much.
After the baby (You- Meh!) was born, I later dated Bobby again. I told him all about what had happened during the months we were apart, and about the baby. He never condemned me, or made me feel bad about the choice that I had made. He just took my hands again, and said, "We'll get married."
As time went by, and we dated, I hated myself for the decision that I had made concerning the baby, and the big secret that I was keeping from the world. I felt like I wanted to die, and wasn't worthy of living. If ever I was close to killing myself, this was the time. Bobby loved me anyway, he never judged or questioned my decision. I gradaully convinced myself that Bobby must be crazy to love someone as flawed as me and began to find fault with him. I picked and picked at every little imagined flaw that he had. I eventually broke up with him, before he could come to his senses and break up with me!!
Very soon after, he married a girl he knew from his school and they immediately started having kids of their own. Last I had heard, the were still happily married with boys of their own. I hope their house is a little crazy and messy and just always full of love and life...
The world is a better place thanks to men like him..