This is an open letter to some people I know and some don’t know. Some people I know and wish I didn’t know…And some people I’ll never know, THANK YOU JESUS.
To my new buddy, thank you for regaling me with tales of your uterus while I am trapped for hours on end, on public transportation with you. Who knew that uteruses could be like combat zones, and the stories that you loudly tell would make so many people nauseated each time you screamed out the terrible tales of horror and tragedy regarding your uterus!
And thank you for all the interesting stories about your high schools days! I can’t remember my high school days, but I am sure they are nothing compared to all the things you told me about when you were in high school! Wow, you knew the football captain! And even better, HE KNEW YOU TOO! Hey, weren’t you in the band? I thought that band geeks and football jocks revolved on different planets! I racked my brain for like 3 minutes last night trying to remember the name of my football captain. I’m not even sure if we had a football at my school, but if we did, then the captains name would be something like Biff, or Jock or something. Who knows, who cares.
Also, you mentioned your “boney white ass”. Honey, your ass ain’t boney and don’t you let people tell you it is! As a matter of fact, I was standing behind you the other day, and it blocked out the sun. Go Figure.
Anyway, public transportation friend, I (cringe)look forward to seeing you everyday.
To the liars who run the public transportation. Thank you for consistently lying to me when I call you because the ride is 45 minutes late, and I am tired of standing out in the rain waiting to pay you my $2.00 bucks so that I can ride with Uterus, I knew the Football Captain in high school, girl everyday. Gosh, after crawling out of bed at 5am, and working 9 hours at the phone company, riding home is the HIGHLIGHT of my day. I especially enjoy the ride when the air isn’t working, and we have a full load of sweaty construction workers crammed in like sardines. Does ANYONE beside me wear deodorant? No?
To the girl I’ll never know on Marta. Now, nothing says I’m a professional, take me serious, like a outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood, and multicolored braids to your waist. Gurl, I’m just hating on you, ‘cause you looked like a porn star in that outfit and 5 inch heels. I bet you get a raise at work. I really enjoyed the ghetto blasting, rap crap coming from those headphones around your neck. Are your ears really on your neck, cause something on the side of your head was sporting some huge hoops! Nothing like 30 solid minutes of some baby daddy rhyming about “hot ho’s” and how he’s gonna “get him some”. I would have complimented you on your sense of style and choice of music, but I saw that you were busy reading a parenting magazine, and I was afraid you might “pop a cap in my ass”. I looked forward to not meeting you again.
To all the losers who think that their seat, and the seat next to them on public transportation is their birthright. Hey, it’s rush hour, and I know that you’re either a homeless bum, or a business man flying back from Jersey, but would it kill you to put your earthly treasures on the floor between you legs, and perhaps give that seat to the 60 yr old lady whose been standing on her feet all day at work?
To all the young men who do give us there seats to the little old ladies. You guys ROCK!! Your momma raised you well. You’ll go far in life, and in heaven. God smiles down on you when you give up your seat.
And lastly, to my bestest friend in the whole world. Thank you for regaling me with the terrible tragedy that was your day. After working all day, then standing in the rain for nearly an hour waiting on my ride home, I really look forward to hearing about the horrors of your day. It must be a real bitch getting up at 9am on a Tuesday, then having to spend all day (playing)working on your computer trying to book excursions for our cruise that is a full month away, and hey did I mention that the excursions can be purchased on the ship? Then horror of horrors! Having to get on i-tunes to help the little one purchase songs for her iPod. How do you make it thru the day?
I am sorry about not wanting to get bizy with you last night, but after hearing about the terrible day that you’d had. I felt that it might be better if you tried to rest and perhaps recover so that you could brace yourself for another horrible day of your 8 freaking week vacation. You poor dear! I know that the days are slipping by, and another school year is just around the corner, and I do sympathize that you’ll be back in school again before you know. Try to take it easy for the rest of June and July, honey I worry about you!
As for me, I’ll spend the summer, getting up at 5am, riding public transportation with all my ‘friends’, and working at the phone company….oh! and (bitching)blogging about it all!