Monday, December 13, 2004

Red Neck Weddings or How's Your Mom an Dem

So I was invited to the social event of the season. (I use "The" and "Social Event" very loosely. ) I fixed up (i.e. - hooked up for sex...) 2 people in my neighborhood.

I NEVER meant for the dum dum's to get married!?!?! Ok, so I am a floozy of the most obviously sort. When I found out that a cute single guy was moving into my hood, I trounced my self over there to get a better look. (And to scope him out for my single girlfriends.) He was every bit the hottie that I had heard he was. Bought the nicest 2 story in our hood, on a full basement! He's in the military and never been married! (Can you say, "SECURE PAY, and NO BAGGAGE?!?!)

So he's all good, just needed to pick my most worthiest girlfriend for the hook up, er I mean "fix up"!

So my dumb other neighbor, who is a housewife with a really bad afro, was going thru a divorce. Seems her hubby was leaving her for a much younger, supposedly less clingy piece of A. So my afro neighbor, who never had time to even say hello before, is suddenly knocking on my door, ALL THE TIME! I go to the door, she's got her 3 snot nosed brats with her, and she's bawling and taking on about "That sorry son of a bitch"! Like I want to hear all that..

So anyway, in a weak moment (VERY WEAK), I made the mistake of saying, "Hey I met this guy who just moved in..." Well, honey LET ME TELL YOU!! That's all it took, til the black widow put the web out to catch her man!

Called him on a Sunday, Met him on a Monday, and again on Tuesday, then went out on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday... well, you get the picture!! So anywho, about 3 dates later, she comes up to my door covered in hickeys from boots to chin saying, "I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to (insert name here)!"

And a year later, she getting married. Not that I hate her or anything, but the second he said, "I do." He just got really ugly and married looking. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd never mess around on my Prize, but dang - it sure was nice seeing Mr. Single working in his yard with that shirt off!

Now that he's married to the "fro", she'll be feeding him, and fattening him up. She'll make him wear a shirt all the time, so when we do get a glimpse of the former "hunk of burning love", we'll just be looking at the same old thang that we got a home. Just another chubby, pastey, farmer's tan, married guy.

Damn her, she ruined my eye candy. Oh well, her house will be for sale soon, so if you're single and hot.... she owes me one!!

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