If you have never been to a Mary Kay party? If not, I suggest you go. It's kinda of hokey, but it's really fun!
So my niece was invited to a Mary Kay/Birthday party for Mom's and Daughters, and since she doesn't have a mom, and I was handy...guess who got to play the stand in role for Mom? Me!! The kid and Mom hosting this party are friends of mine from church, and I've never seen the Mom within 10 feet of a make up mirror, so I thought it'd be a real hoot.
So I zip out a homemade birthday card on the ole' home computer, throw a $20 in it and off we go, thru the rain and hail, with the 8 yr old daughter in tow.
So we get to the party, and find out that it's going to be 3 moms and 3 teens total. The kitchen table is all set up and ready to "party". Meaning that the MK Lady has these adorable little pink mirrors and foam art trays set at every place. The table was also piled with all the MK products that we might be using that night. After a little chit chatting we all set down and MK Lady gives us the MK spill. She asks us what we know about MK products and the only thing that I could think of to say was, "Well, I know for a fact that MK finally kicked the bucket."
The MK Lady got a reverent look on her face and said that no one every really knew her true age. Then MK Lady went around the table and asked each one of us what our nightly beauty regiment was. I, being the uneducated beauty idiot that I am, happily said, "Soap and Water!"
MK Lady takes about 4 steps back, (Like she thinks that I am about to steal her purse.) grabs her heart and tells me that it might be too late to reverse all the damage that I've done to my face. Horror of horrors!! (OK, I'm 40, and I have earned every damn laugh line and wrinkle, AND I still get mistaken for my kids' sister, I'LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW!!) So after she said that, I didn't think that it would be prudent to tell her that I actually use the hand soap thats suppose to kill germs on my face.....
Then MK Lady starts to tell us about the complicated and detailed nightly beauty routine that she submits her face to every night. Cleanse, Tone, Moisturize, etc..etc.. As she's talking, I start counting wrinkles on her face (lots), and noticing the Samsonite Luggage under her eyes. Oh well..
MK Lady also tells us that we need to take care of our hands, and she details a 4 part moisturizing, beauty treatment for our little paws, and asks for a volunteer. Being that braveheart that I am, I instantly raise my craggy, liver spotted mit in the air and say, "Me, Me, oh pick ME!!"
So she takes me to the sink, and greases my hand with a product that suspiciously reminds me of Crisco, then makes me rub, rub, rub. Next comes the exfoliation product, and rub, rub, rub. 3rd step was on to the cleanser, by this time, my hands look like I had dipped them in sour cream, and rub, rub, rub. Then she tells me that I can wash them, FINALLY!! YEAH!! So I wash and dry them, then what does she do? Puts something else that resembles Crisco right back on them!! What is that all about? I am thinking, that number 2 and 3 products probably don't do squat, but were thrown in the package so that MK Lady can double the price!! Anyway, after I moisturized the paws, then everyone wanted to get in on the act, so that killed 30 minutes. That's when I noticed a most delicious chocolate cake setting off to the side, and decided that we needed to get this show on the road and eat some cake!!
After the hand washing ritual was completed, MK Lady sets up down out our cute little mirrors and starts squirting 4 different kinds of cream on each foam tray. Then she instructs us all to take our index and middle (bird) finger and rub cream #1 every so gently into our cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" (Guess she never got hit in the boob, huh?). So we all start rubbing round and round on our cheeks, only I forgot to use the index finger and was rubbing with only my bird fingers which sent all the teenagers into fits of laughter and then they all dropped their index fingers during the rubbing session. This action resulted in a sharp look from MK Lady, who was taking our beauty routines VERY seriously!!
After both cheeks are thoroughly saturated with gobs of MK cream, MK Lady hands us a wet paper towel and tells us to remove our make up. REMOVE OUR MAKE UP??
Me: "Whadda mean remove our make up?"
MK: Yes, you must now remove your make up so that you can experience our fine MK products."
Me: "Er, nobody ever said anything about us removing our make up."
While I am bitching and moaning about this, I look in the mirror and realize that the cream that I just rubbed so gently into my cheeks in an "upward circular motion" "carefully avoiding the under eye region", "as this is the most tender part of our bodies" was eating my make up off my face like bathroom scrubbing bubbles.
Now I got a problem with taking my make up off, a big problem. No one has every seen me with out the war paint, except the hubby and kids. And I only let the hubby saw me like this AFTER I got married!! Now, I don't know about you girls, but as for me, I am the type of girl who takes her make up bag everywhere. I even had it in the recovery room after my kids were born and after my surgery a couple of years ago!! No one sees the Queen without her war paint!!
So seeing that the make up was half off already, and checking to make sure that the hostess' husband was safely in the other room, comatose in front of the television, I commenced to removing my kabuki mask. After about 3 rolls of paper towels, and a good 5 minutes of scrubbing, I was bare faced atlast.
All the teens and Mom just kind of looked at each other real bashful while mentally trying to figure out who was the ugliest without make up. One of the cheekier girls spoke up and said, "Mom, you look TERRIBLE without makeup!" So I reminded her that scientific evidence shows that all girls will look EXACTLY like their mother's in 20 years. The poor girl was so stricken that she had to leave the room for fresh air!
After stripping down to our real skin, we were then instructed to dab cream #2 into our "tender eye regions", " the most tender parts of our bodies" using (this time) only the ring finger! in a "upward circular motion""carefully avoiding the eye lashes as this will make our mascara run if we get lotion on them". Well, I was so freaked out with all the instructions, that I immediately stuck my finger in my eye and got cream on my contact! Next we were allowed to use cream #3 on the rest of our faces again using the other 2 fingers and same ole' "upward circular motion". Mission Accomplished.
Then MK Lady went around with plastic card that she held to our freshly scrubbed cheeks under the kitchen light. This was so she could determine what color we were. (I can see EEOC forms all over the world being changed from Caucasian, Afro American, and Latino to Ivory, Ebony and Beige.) I am proud to say that after 40 years of guessing and hoping, that I am Ivory 200 Medium, thank you very much!!
Then she gave us a little make up samples in our predetermined color. We were instructed to squirt the make up in our little foam trays. Then we were told to apply the make only to one cheek and wait 2 minutes to determine the TRUE color match. So we all did. With the exception of one of the mom's who had a really red face from all the scrubbing, MK Lady was dead on with the correct colors.
After it was determined that our make up matched our faces, we were allowed to put the color all over our faces. Now I don't know about you, but when I apply foundation, I find it necessary to make funny faces. Faces like, turning my head up and looking down sideways, then opening my mouth and sticking my tongue in my cheek. I don't know why, it just helps to get the darn stuff on my face. Unfortunately, I noticed that no one else at the party, has this affliction. So after all the facial contortions, I managed to cover my entire face in foundation.
Next it was on to eyes/cheeks/lips. so MK Lady tosses about a dozen paper cards on the table and cheerfully says, "These are coordinated color palettes for you eye, cheeks, and lips. Pick out any color you'd like to try."
I get all glassy eyed and ask, "Um. aren't you going to tell me if I am Winter, Spring or Summer?"
MK Lady: "What?"
Me: "So what color am I? Winter, Spring or Summer?"
MK Lady (confused look): "What are you talking about"
Me: "Oh nevermind, which one do you suggest?"
MK Lady: "Just pick out something that you wouldn't normally wear."
OK, so I spy a lovely palette card called, Breezy. Lovely name! I open it to find a dark dark blue eye shadow along with 2 other eye shadows that appeared to be Taupe. Orange Cheek Blush and Coral Lipstick in a shade called Cantaloupe. Now I love anything Coral, it looks terrible on me, but I just like thye word... Coral Coral Coral. Reminds me of the ocean. Thinking of the ocean reminds me of Pina Coladas, and I LOVE PINA COLADAS!! But, I am getting off the subject.
So MK Lady says, "OK now you can start putting your colors on your faces!" Yippie, and here I was thinking that since SHE was the "Beauty Expert" that she'd be doing all the painting. Oh well.. Lucky for us all, there was VERY detailed directions on how to apply all these lovely shades to our various body parts. So I start with the eyes, I load my teeny tiny little eye wand up with the 1st eye shadow and slap it on. Then I turn the teeny tiny little wand over and load color #2 and slap that above color #1 on my eye. Then seeing that I had yet another color to apply (The dramatic highlight color, she called it.) I had to put another teeny tiny little wand from my color palette to apply color #3. So I slap on color #3 right where the card said to put in and start looking around for another card so that I can work on the other eye.
About that time, the hostess looks up from her mirror over at me and starts laughing hysterically. (Wench.) The everyone else looks at me and start laughing too. (So what the heck is so funny, I ask.) About this time, MK Lady looks over at me and hisses, "I am sure that she will blend that in!" her her most serious meanest voice.
So I look at my eye in the mirror and grab my teeny tiny little wand and start moving some of the eye shadows over to the other eye. I was following the card instructions to the T (so I thought) but apparently even though the card shows that you are suppose to look like Boy George after you apply all this color, you're not! Curses!! As instructed by the suddenly evil MK Lady, I start to blend blend blend.
So after I blend the Boy George color into my eye, and every one else at the table have applied their eye shades perfectly, like damn super models, we are instructed to find the apples of our cheeks. This is so that we can put on blush (or rouge as she said, Tres French!!) So here I am feeling my face up like a pedophile in a daycare, looking for my apple. No Luck! No apples on this girl. Maybe if I'd actually ate some apples instead of all those candied apples, I could find thohse elusive apples in my cheeks. We were instructed to "carefully and lightly" apply our "rouge" in a "half moon along our apple", so I just stuck 2 half moons under my eyes instead.
MK Lady suddenly forgot that we were suppose to put on our eyeliner, so we had to go back to the eyeballs for a little more. So she hands out these lovely microscopic eye liners and tells us to start applying. Now I don't know about ya'll, but I have spent the last 40 years trying to convince the world that I am a direct descendant of Cleopatra, so I line my eye all the way around, real heavy. Then as the added "Egyptian" touch, I like to put a upward curvy line at the outside end of my eye to complete the sexy exotic cat look.
Per MK Lady, this is a "NO NO NO". "For the naturally look" we are suppose to "lightly and gently feather" the liner on the top lid, then only line the bottom of the eye from the pupil to the outer end. (Yep, Mary Kay looked totally naturally!) No cool curves past the eye lid. "Otherwise we are closing off the eye" AND we are to never put any liner in the eye booger pool (inner corner) "because it is unsanitary". Well, thank the Lord, I found this lady before I died of pink eye!! Funny note, the hostess wench about poked her eye out with the eye liner and then had a laughing fit and almost peed her pants. (That'll teach you to laugh at me!!)
So after the eye liner, we go to the lips. Now the lips are a complicated detailed 3 step process. First step in to line. "Line the kissy part first" (Her words!) to make a sexy pout. Then the old ladies in the group (Moms) were instructed to line OUTSIDE our natural lip line because apparently, in addition to sagging boobs, wrinkles and cellulite, our lips are also falling into our mouths and disappearing. Therefore, we need to draw big fat fake ones around where the old ones use to reside. Now, God blessed me with a fat ass and big feet, but to make up for it, he gave me big fat lips! But who am I to argue with a trained professional, so I draw a big circle around me mouth. MK Lady glances over nervously and yells, "Don't line all the way to the end!!" Uh ooh, anybody got a Kleenex?
Next we are instructed to apply our lipstick inside the lines. I look for my teeny tiny lipstick applicator and discover to my horror that I already used it to put on that 3rd coat of eye shadow. So I discreetly wip my wand on the corner of the table clothe, under the table. Next, I apply to lovely coral lipstick that resembles a sunset in Hawaii inside my new lip line. After we all get our fabulously huge lips finished. MK Lady starts handing out lip gloss samples. I get coffee and cream, mmm mmm good. I was so happy, it even smelled and tasted like coffee and cream, and by this time, I was sure ready for some caffeine. Then I started smelling cotton candy, chocolate, and strawberries and cream, and looked around and realized that everyone else in the room, got something even better. I was really bummed, I was kind of craving something sweet. So we all put our super shiny lip glosses on and check ourselves in the mirror.
I could see my entire reflection in my lips, that was so cool! But my lips were HUGE!!! Like something out of a horror picture. I couldn't believe 'em, it was like the "Lips that ate New York"!!!
After lip time, MK Lady tells us that we all need to put on mascara. (Wonder why we keep switching back and forth all over the face?) So, OKey dokey. She gives us tiny little wands loaded full of "Luxurious MK Mascara" and we start apply. She also told us to never "pump" our wands, but to "twist them" then proceeded to show us how to twist our wands in our containers. It looked suspiciously exactly like it does, when you are twisting the cap off! Then she tells us that bugs live on our eye lashes and that if we don't wash all our mascara off every night that the bugs will eat the mascara and all our eye lashes off. And that the lashes won't grow back!! Yep, I really wanted to know that MK Lady!! This statement makes me want to taste my mascara to see what those bugs are all hyped up bout! The hostess was so alarmed by this statement that she then proceeded to poke her other eye with the mascara wand. By this time, I am thinking that this girl must be into S&M.
Finally after mascara is applied, we all set back in our chairs and admire our new looks. I have to admit that it was a little much for me, but I did really love the foundation and it wasn't expensive, so I bought a tube of that.
After MK Lady got our orders, then and only then were we allowed to have dessert. Well, heck by this time, I had so much gunk on my face, I could barely open my mouth, so I only had the tiniest sliver of chocolate cake. Curses!!
After all was finished, it was 10 o'clock and I had to go get my teen boy from work. So he gets in the car, and do you think he EVEN NOTICED mommy's new look? Heck no! I swear, teenagers are SO self involved!! Finally I get home, and my husband sees me and does a double take, then a triple take, then he actually walks out of the room and back in. He finally says, "That is just too much make up!! You look like a prostitute!" So I ask him how much he'd pay me to have sex with him. Apparently I didn't look that much like a prostitute because he didn't take me up on the offer. Darnit.
So I go take a shower and wash away my fabulous night of fun down into the drain, using only soap and water....
Another life in the day..