Friday, February 18, 2005

I am such a bad mother...

So I was perusing the local newspaper yesterday and saw the my eight year old made the Honor Roll. Reports cards came out last week and I didn't even bother to check her grades. I just let Dad sign away. I think that she's so smart that we naturally assume that she's on the honor roll. Last time I pitched a report card fit, it was because she made a 91 in Science, then I only half heartedly yelled, "You can do better!"

Now before you think that I am just bragging about how brilliant my eight year is, I must tell you that she is actually my step-child. Daughter of my also brilliant, somewhat anal husband. (He's retired from the Navy and goes to school fulltime and ALWAYS pulls down a 4.0) Our eight year old is also ranked in the top 10 percentile for all the smart kids in the US. How the school figured that one out, I will never know? But that's what the note that she brought home said. She's a hoot too. She used to come home from school all the time and say, "School is SO easy!" She even got in a little trouble last year for being chatty.

My husband thinks that she's chatty because she's bored. Sounds right to me. He's concerned that she is going to turn into a juvenile deliquent because of her talking problem, so he says to me, "What am I going to do?!?!"

I casually look over at My child (his step son) whose is sixteen years old, and intently studying a booger on his finger in the living room and say, "You're asking me? Have you met my kids?"

Seriously though, my husband and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when is comes to education. He quit school at 15, got a GED, was already in college when his high school class graduated. He then dropped out of college to "serve his country" and did the next 20 years in the Navy, working like a dog. He was the 1st at work and the last to leave every day.

I, on the other hand, finished high school, barely, with the rest of my class. Opted out of a nursing scholarship (Blood? Ick!!) and immediately starting spitting out babies and working at the 1st job, I could find. I've did ok, although I passionately hate my job now. I am performer, just not a superstar. I used to be the briefcase toting, suit wearing, power lunch girl, but I finally realized that my kids were suffering (and out of control) and that all I wanted to be remembered for, was that I loved my children. (sniff sniff)

I think that in order to get ahead in the work, it's expected that you step on your coworkers, neglect your kids and grub up to the man! I say, "Screw it all!!!" When you die, what do you want on your tombstone?

Here lies
Josie Blow
came in early
worked late
OR
Here lies
Josie Blow
beloved
Mother
Wife
Sister
Friend
So I guess what I am trying to instill in my kids, (ecspecially Little Miss Brilliant and Mr. Slackerboy) is to enjoy life. Live, Love, Laugh.
I look back on my life and realized that I missed so much. I was at work when my kids learned how to walk, I was at work when my children were learning their ABC's. I missed so many days. When I think back to the best times of my life, I don't remember anything about work, or the fabulous vacations that I took. I remember the times that I spent with my kids, the times when we cuddled under the blankets on a rainy morning, and times when I held them in my lap and they told me that I was the best mommy in the world.
I still feel like I am missing so much. I get up early, scream byebye as I hit the door to drive 2 hours to a job THAT I HATE!!, then drive 2 hours to get home, slap dinner on the table, do a load of laundry, yell at the kids to pick up their messes and collapse in front of the TV like a zombie..
When is my time to be a good mom? Would the kids even want me to be? Sometimes I talk to the older ones (15 and 16) and they look at me like I've grown another head. Other times I have them following me (ecspecially the 15 yr old) from room to room trying talk to me, as I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off.
My eight year old has just about given up, she just stays either outside or in her room.
AARGGGHHH!!! I'd got to get control of my life before it's too late. I need more time and patience!! I need it like a crackhead needs a fix!

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